Funny / Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide

  • Ned getting the runs in Guide to: Double Dating.
    Moze: I told you to avoid spicy food! It goes right through you! Remember that time your mom made Mexican and you spent the whole night-
  • Moze being the only person not sick in her English class despite all her attempts to get herself sick to get out of her oral presentation in Guide to: Sick Days.
    • Funnier still because since she is the only one not sick, she is giving her presentation to an empty class (well, besides her teacher) and thus not affected by the peer pressure.
  • Ned looking lovingly at Suzie, Suzie looking lovingly at Loomer, and Loomer looking lovingly at Moze in Guide to: a New Semester. Moze being the only one weirded out by this sells it.
    • "Cool" Cookie. 'Nuff said.
    Moze: This whole "P. Cookie" thing scares me a bit.
  • Moze and Cookie tricking Ned into volunteering to run the school newspaper.
    Cookie: *nudges Ned*
    Ned: Newspaper? Forget it. Writing bad.
    Moze: *shoves Ned*
    Ned: You have no power over me!
    Moze: What about the power of the press? You could run the Howler and mold the thoughts of hundreds.
    Cookie: The pen is mightier than the sword, and the newspaper is the mightiest sword of them all!
    Moze: Take charge for once in your life, Ned Bigby! Are you a man or a mouse?
    Ned: *inspired* Mr. Monroe, I want to get my hands stained with the ink of freedom!
    Mr. Monroe: Great! Any other volunteers? *crickets chirping*
    Moze: *laughing* I don't want to write for the stupid school newspaper!
    Cookie: Writing bad.
  • Ned's tips on girls before getting Moze's help.
    Ned: When it comes to girls, remember: they wear shoes on their feet and smell nice.
    Moze: And?
    Ned: That's all I've got! Girls are complex!
  • From the Grand Finale:
    Ned: [on the phone] Hey... I need you to get me some clothes.
    Moze: What?
    Ned: I'm naked, and I need you to get me some clothes.
    Moze: [annoyed] Why don't you get your girlfriend to do it?
    Ned: Because I'm naked.
    Moze: I'm next in line to see the Wild Boy!
    Ned: I repeat — I'm! NAKED!
    Ned: [from inside the room he's hiding in, with Moze now outside the door] Are you NUTS?!
    Moze: Well, that's all they had at the gift shop.
    Ned: I'm supposed to meet Suzie for lunch! What am I gonna tell her? "I saw the Wild Boy skirt, and I just had to have it?!" [Gilligan Cut] Then I saw the Wild Boy skirt, and I said, "I just have to have it."
    Principal: I'm trying to write next year's handbook, and I can't have any interruptions. [Gordy tries to tell him the weasel is right behind him on his desk] It can't be that hard to catch a rodent. You four are taking this personally, and it's driving you all mad.
    All: [just as the weasel escapes with some papers in its mouth] WEASEL!
    Principal: He took my handbook, and it's the only copy I've got! Find! That! WEASEL!
    • The part where Crubs tells Cookie that he can't go on the field trip and he starts spazzing out on the floor.
    • Gordy's signal. He tackles Crubs to the ground.
    Ned: I think that's the signal.
    • And when they finally get on the bus, Ned sits next to a guy who looks like Suzy from the back.
    Ned: Yes! We made it!
    Guy turns around and nods
    Ned: (with a scared expression) Hathathathathah!
    • "Hey... You guys aren't alien invaders!"
      • This is much funnier when taking the alternate ending into account.
    • Crubbs' shout of horror followed by him almost breaking down when they get back to the school to find it destroyed with a bulldozer parked in the middle of the hall.
    • Cookie trying to explain how dangerous Huffington Gardens is:
    Cookie: Careful! Huffington Gardens is a dangerous place!
    Coconut Head: But, these are just daisies.
    Cookie: Yeah... But if you eat two thousand of 'em, you could die!
    • Somehow, the guards mistaking Missie, Coconut Head and Martin for Ned, Mose and Cookie was just funny.
  • When Cookie sees that Lisa, the nerdy, bespectacled, allergy-prone girl with braces comes back to school looking stunning, he pulls Gordy into the janitor's closet...
    Cookie: So, do you think the new Lisa's hot?
    Gordy: Um...I can't answer that, due to the fact that I'm forty.
  • Moze and Cookie getting stuck to the spirit stick.
    Ned: How did you guys...? *gestures to bathrooms*
    Moze and Cookie: Don't ask.
  • Ned is trying to get a jealous Missy to stop chasing off every girl who talks to him-
    Moze: Why don't you just tell her the truth? You're not interested in her.
    Ned: Because the truth doesn't WORK on crazy people!!!
  • The Latvian "Bring Back Moze" Dance (especially Coconut Head's falsetto)
  • Ned and Moze mimicking Cookie's "Cookie face" in Guide to: Science Fairs.
  • In the first part of "Boys and Girls", Cookie tries to cheer Ned up after Suzy moves away by having him hang out with boys and do "boy stuff", like smash fruit with a bat. Trouble is, the first fruit Ned smashes is a grapefruit, causing the juice to spray in all the boys' eyes and make them scream in pain (except Cookie, because he's got his glasses). That's funny enough, but the clincher is the next scene of Moze teaching her class on boys, stating that boys like to hang out with other boys and do "boy things." Then, in the background, we see the boys running down the halls, still screaming.
    • Also, their attempt to cheer Ned up by causing Mr. Sweeney pain with a Cash Lure by dragging it into a window, but Coconut Head points out the window's open, and Sweeney falls onto the group. A dazed Cookie then says that the next tip for he Guide should be "Beware of sky teachers!" (The attempt doesn't work, baffling even Sweeney himself, who points out that Ned loves it when he gets hurt.)
  • Cookie is dressed in drag-
    Ned: What are you doing?!
    Cookie: Going undercover to find out what Lisa really likes in a guy.
    Ned: I don't think it's THIS!
    • And Loomer falling in love with him.
    Loomer: *in tears after "Simone" left him* We had so much in common!
    Cookie: *muttering* A lot more than you think.
  • Towards the end of Guide To: Vice Principals, Mr. Monroe, Cookie, Ned, Moze, and Crubbs all hide in a closet. By the end of that scene, we have Mr. Monroe, Cookie, Ned, Moze, Crubbs, Claire, Coconut Head, AND Martin in there. It's, needless to say, pretty cramped.
  • Moze guilting Ned and Cookie into proving Loomer's innocence by following them around and giving them her "I'm disappointed in you" look.
    Ned: Fine! You win! But I'm doing it for the guide, not Loomer.
    Cookie: Just stop the look. It burns!
  • The school is performing Romeo and Juliet. Ned tries to stop Spencer (the actor playing Romeo) from kissing/winning over Suzie (who is playing Juliet) while Cookie tries to take over the role of Romeo (which Ned doesn't care about, seeing as his kiss 'won't steal Suzie'). Meanwhile, Moze, who is the stage director, is trying to keep the whole operation running smooth and thus, continuously foils Ned and Cookie's attempts to get Spencer out of the play. Hilarity Ensues.
    • Moze "punishing" Ned and Cookie by making them play Romeo and Juliet for the balcony kiss scene after the original two lead actors are crushed (literally) by Ned's and Cookie's antics.
    Moze: Yup, it'll be a kiss the audience will never forget.
  • In Guide to: Extra Credit, after Ned argues that Moze's model volcano extra credit project is a terrible idea because "it's been on every TV show ever," Ned, Moze, and Cookie give a long Aside Glance toward the camera.
    • Then, Moze going so insane and getting so obsessed with building the biggest model volcano ever, even though she had to destroy parts of the second floor, steal concrete and other materials from the school's construction project, and reroute the school's furnace's ventilation, that Gordy has to be the voice of reason!
    • Cookie actually ending up in an emergency situation (getting stranded in a desert) and finding that he is past his spending limit on his emergency credit card.
    Cookie: But this is a real emergency!
  • Ned making his fifth grader dance the leprechaun dance around his desk to increase his luck on his exam.
    Fifth grader: But I'm not even Irish!
    • Moze quitting everything from volleyball to washing her hair just to make more time to study to avoid getting another F, ever.
  • Moze trying to be "chill" to avoid being like iTeacher in Guide to: Stress.
    Moze: You all gotta chiiiiiillllll! *slumps to floor*
    • Ned freaking out about his relationship with Suzie.
    Ned: Look! Suzie's marrying! (Suzie was just helping someone with homework.)
    • The trio realizing that they are dressed exactly the same as their "mentors" (Ned and Gordy, Moze and iTeacher, Cookie and Principal Wright) and freaking out.
    Ned: Maybe it's not so bad, turning out like them.
    *mentors all scratch their butts*
    Moze: Yeah it is. *they run out the door*
  • Cookie's various attempts to find a suitable replacement for his school picture. He hosts tryouts.
    Nerd: (Completely deadpan) They're gonna kill me.
    • Ned getting covered in feathers and looking like a chicken,
  • Evelyn asking Cookie to walk her to class in "Guide To: Girls:"
    Evelyn Kwong: COOK! WALK ME TO CLASS! ...I mean, walk me to class, please. (Beat) NOW, PLEASE!
  • Gordy: (reading Green Eggs and Ham) Who doesn't like ham!?
  • Moze's "bad girl" antics toward the science subs in Guide to: Substitutes.
    • The best was probably her tricking the old substitute into thinking that her hearing aid wasn't working.
    • Mr. Wiener insulting Loomer. Even Loomer laughed!
    Mr. Wiener: "If you put your head in a book instead of your butt, maybe you'll learn something!"(Prop whale bites his puppet's leg off in response)
    • The fact that Mr. Wiener is actually Marc Wiener, from the 90s Nick show Wienerville.
  • When Cookie and Xavier are trying to run to school, Xavier spots and takes two pairs of roller skates.
    Cookie: But isn't that stealing?
    Xavier: In my country, we call it (foreign word)
    Cookie: What's that mean?
    Xavier: Stealing! But I'll bring them back later.
  • Every time Cookie dresses as Simone.
    "Simone": See ya!

  • The class clown auditions in Guide to: Class Clown, which consists of:
    • Seth and Coconut Head reciting the classic "orange you glad I didn't say banana".
    • Doris threatening Ned and Cookie.
    • Loomer and his friends acting like the Three Stooges, until they actually start fighting.
    • Backpack Boy's briefly successful antics.
    • Moze attempting to get the successful class clown to actually tell a joke.
    Moze: I'm telling you, he's FUNNY!!!
  • Two Words: Cowboy Cookie.
  • Moze helping Ned find another girl after Suzie moved by speed dating with some notable contenders include: a girl who doesn't bathe, a girl who snorts like a pig, one who just says she likes kissing boys and forcefully kisses Ned, Cookie in his Simone disguise, and the last girl.
    Last Girl: (Very Deep Voice) Well, it was nice talking to you Ned