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Characters: Manly Guys Doing Manly Things

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Original Characters

    Commander Badass 

Commander Badass D37-9E-B52/Rock Lobster

"I can pretty much guarantee the guy with the loudest mouth is th' one with the most issues deep down."

A US Navy TiALS (Time Air Land Sea) operative from the future who now operates a temp agency for ludicrously macho guys. Claims to have been synthesized from American soil and steak. Divorced, with two kids (Sammy and June). He's friends with Jonesy, a mentor to Jared, a rival of Canadian Guy, and a much less abrasive and much more patient guy than first impressions would suggest — he believes that the key to true manliness is confidence and commitment to goals.

    Jonesy 

Sarah "Jonesy" Jones

"...this whole building is buzzing with testosterone."

A friendly woman whom the Commander introduces to the bizarre world of overly masculine but underemployed men.
  • Action Girl: Can climb vertical cliff faces and is a good shot with a crossbow.
  • Chekhov's Hobby: Several.
    Commander Badass: Can I just say it's pretty great havin' a human Swiss Army Knife 'f abandoned hobbies around? I ain't even sayin' that sarcastically.
  • Klingon Promotion: Coelasquid jokes that, as an assistant butcher, the only way for Jonesy to advance to the position of head butcher is to kill him and wear his skin.
  • Last Name Basis: Almost never gets called by her first name.
  • Limited Wardrobe: Due to hating doing laundry.

    Jared 

Professor Jared Kowalski

"Now I understand why my mother told me to never eat $500 of Gummi Worms."

A disgraced Pokémon trainer, kicked out of the League for allowing his Gyarados, Mr. Fish, to eat his opponents. The Commander gave him a paid internship at the temp agency (even though he meets none of the manliness requirements) because Jared makes Pokemon battles sound like something the Commander would actually enjoy watching. Is completely failing at saving up enough money to get home.
  • A Boy and His X: A boy and his Gyarados.
  • Abusive Parents: His parents kicked him out because he disappointed them by not dropping out of society and getting involved in animal fighting.
  • Badass on Paper: For all his actions, as a Pokemon trainer he still has to traverse untamed lands, fight massive beasts and then tame them to fight other massive beasts.
  • Cloud Cuckoo Lander: Case in point.
  • Fanboy: He nearly has a heart attack upon finding out he'll be meeting Andy Serkis. That's not Andy Serkis.
    Commander: Oh, shit, I just got why he was so excited. SARCHUS, kid! AndrewSARCHUS!
    Turok: That happens more often than you might think.
  • Hypercompetent Sidekick: Despite his weirdness, the Commander acknowledges that Jared has turned out to be a surprisingly competent assistant.
  • Idiot Savant:
    • Coelasquid has confirmed that Jared is this when it comes to Pokémon Training. While not the brightest bulb in the box, he takes excellent care of Mr. Fish, grooming him regularly and teaching him new tricks. He also manages to bring Mr. Fish up to somewhere between level 47-55, since he now knows Hyper Beam.
    • When properly motivated, he manages to catch a large number of Magnemite and Magneton by himself, offscreen. Without any Poke-Balls. It's very impressive.
    • For the longest time, he didn't even know what the pokeballs were for; when Mr. Fish was a Magikarp, Jared carried him around on his back. And STILL leveled him up.
    • He was given a bunch of honorary Pokemon degrees by Lysandre for his exceptional care of Mr. Fish, and is now a Pokemon Professor. Technically.
    • During the temporary alternate timeline when Commander went to the future to deal with some legal B.S., Jared became the religious leader of most of the manly men. His opposition? Fucking Kratos
  • Kid with the Leash: Though Mr. Fish doesn't seem very leash trained...
  • Nice Hat: Never spotted without his black beanie cap.
  • No Sense of Personal Space: "It's like your face is made of fine porcelain that was made of fine kitten pelts."
  • Parental Neglect: Enforced as a darker interpretation, as his parents forced him out of school and his home to become a trainer.
  • Perma Stubble: He freaks out after losing it to the bishounen virus.
  • Perpetual Poverty: After thinking about his recent expenditures (see the above quote for an example), he realizes that he might just be bad at saving money.
  • Puppy-Dog Eyes: They work on the Commander, too.

    Canadian Guy 

Canadian Guy

"Ye shar do complain a lot fahr someone pilotin' a giant robot thar b'ahy!"

The true face of Canadianism — evidently all that niceness was just a ruse. Enjoys wrestling moose, drinking heavily, riding snowmobiles, and, possibly, killing dragons.
  • Expy: Is a dead ringer for the author's father.
  • Funetik Aksent: "All 'n a dae's wark, b'ahy!"
  • The Immune: Canadian healthcare is apparently one of his powers.
  • Not So Different:
    • Not only is his appearance nearly identical to that of the Commander, but the Commander accuses him of "lazy Canadianspeak" (when the Commander is known for dropping vowels like they're hot).
    • It says something when The Commander and Canadian Guy are shown to be the most drift-compatible matches for each other.
  • Palette Swap: Of the Commander.
  • Painting the Medium: His speech text seems to be a hand-drawn type of text, likely to reflect his overall nature. This is shared with all Canadians found in the comic so far.
  • Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: To the Commander.
  • The Sleepless: Instead, he sits in a rowboat in the middle of a lake with a lantern and a buttonbox concertina and an empty stare. Somehow, this causes a massive pile of beaver pelts to appear in Commander Badass' office.

Prominent Characters from Other Works

    Mr. Fish 

Mr. Fish

A Gyarados. Not very bright, but very large. Follows Jared's every whim.

    Sten 

Sten

A stoic qunari warrior often teased for his love of cookies. Might be a big fan of Heavy Metal.

    Kratos 

Kratos

A sullen, violent Spartan who isn't adjusting well to civilian life. Has no trouble getting dates, though.

    Duke 

Duke Nukem

A loudmouthed action hero with hidden insecurities and, apparently, a life-size Alien maquette in his living room.
  • Closet Geek: Turns out all those Army of Darkness and They Live! quotes weren't a coincidence.
  • Double Standard: Points out that people get into fits when he slaps a girl, but when he slaps a guy, nobody seems to care. Commander Badass points out that the girl is in a bikini, while the guy (Marcus Fenix) isn't. When they put Fenix in a bikini, Duke changes his tune.
    Duke: Okay, yeah, I can see people complaining about this.
    Fenix: I'm complaining about this.
    Commander: As long as they're complaining the same amount, you're gold.
  • Jerkass: Kind of a dick.

    Marv 

Marv

A big, burly, black & white lug, who has trouble with women.

    Lobo 

Lobo

An intergalactic bounty hunter whose general personality isn't that much different than in the comics, or at least, he was.

Artemis Academy And Apollo AcademyCharacters/WebcomicsMayonaka Densha

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