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Original Characters
Commander Badass
Commander Badass D37-9E-B52/Rock Lobster
"I can pretty much guarantee the guy with the loudest mouth is th' one with the most issues deep down."
A US Navy TiALS (Time Air Land Sea) operative from the future who now operates a temp agency for ludicrously macho guys. Claims to have been synthesized from American soil and steak. Divorced, with two kids (Sammy and June). He's friends with / in a casual relationship with Jonesy, a mentor to Jared, a rival of Canadian Guy, and a much less abrasive and much more patient guy than first impressions would suggest — he believes that the key to true manliness is confidence and commitment to goals.
- Action Dad: He is an future ex-marine and has two kids. "The best kind of father, obviously."
- Ambiguously Brown: Self-described as ambiguously brown, no less.
- Amicable Exes: He's on good terms with his ex-wife Maddy. It helps that he's largely outgrown the issues that caused their divorce in the first place. And he's no longer dating anyone in his old squad, but they're all friends. He gets there with Tank, too.
- Animal Motifs: Coelasquid mentioned in a Tumblr post that his face has become more and more bison-like over time.
- Artificial Human: Claims to have been synthesized from soil and meat. Later confirmed to be artificial.
- Big Eater: So much so that he deliberately avoided telling the firm about an all-you-can-eat breakfast joint so that they wouldn't go out of business. Also justified with his body type.
- Bruiser with a Soft Center:
- Is he a manly badass? Yes. Is he a caring daddy to his kids? Yes. Is he an understanding boss and father figure to Jared? Three for three. One of his central beliefs is the idea that you don't need to be a cynical brute to be manly, something he tries to impart to the guys he handles at the agency.
- His superiors actually hate his soft center since they wanted him to be a cynical antihero.
- He's very proud of his ability to make fruit preserves. It's the reason Angel picked him for her annual survival derby.
- Carpet of Virility: Next to his speech pattern, his hairy chest is his most noticeable feature.
- Combat Pragmatist: the Commander doesn't believe in adhering to the rules of turn-based combat in a random battle.Commander: Import'nt t'draw that fine line between fightin' dirty an' fightin' stupid.
- Commanding Coolness: Almost the Trope Namer for Colonel Badass, but he's not the right rank.
- Cool Shades: Well, Cool Night-Vision Goggles, anyway. Worn constantly, even at weddings.
- Didn't Think This Through: When he finds out Gackt is the one behind the Nomura Syndrome turning all the manly men into Bishonens, he hunts him down and kills him under the assumption that Gackt's death will solve the problem. When it naturally doesn't fix anything, the Commander realizes that he hadn't thought things through as much as he should have. Famous K-pop artist Rain even points out how little sense his plan made.Rain: Wait, you thought punching some jerk was going to make you healthy? That doesn't seem very reasonable.
Commander: Well I mean I know that now! - Doting Parent: Commander Badass adores his two kids. It's most apparent in his interactions with June, who is old enough to insist he watch Jem with her, help her bake the world's most ludicrous muffins and get her a millipede as a pet. He has also taken a caring, if occasionally somewhat stern, interest in Jared, essentially becoming Jared's father figure.
- Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": His real name is a serial number, so everyone just calls him Commander.
- A Father to His Men: Is he ever, whether to his colleagues in the agency, intern Jared, or his battle squads from Space Future.Commander: *while his guts are spilling out, deliriously* Do we got all th' kids back?
- Four-Fingered Hands: Only in this old concept art◊. In the actual comic, he has five-fingered hands.
- Funetik Aksent: Tends ta speak kinda informally, yanno?
Coelasquid suggests that his voice sounds a bit like John DiMaggio as Bender or Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice. Later comics describe his voice as "gargling tar" and the Commander mentions that sometimes he'll tell fast food attendants at drive-throughs that he's Beetlejuice and Tom Waits on a road trip. - Going Commando: At least when he wears the kilt.
- Good Parents: With his ex-wife Mandy. He makes it a point to constantly encourage his children and making sure they do not inherit any of his hangups.
- Hero-Worshipper: Of Marlon Brando, in a very literal sense. Evidently the Bran-Dao is a popular religion among macho spacefuture types.
- Huge Guy, Tiny Girl: Is this by default with pretty much any woman, but especially with his rail-thin spacefuture ex-girlfriend... until she became a cyborg, that is.
- Lantern Jaw of Justice: Manly and square.
- Love Martyr: He's been one in the past. Getting over that instinct has been a big part of his maturing as an individual.
- Man in a Kilt: Occasionally. He insists it's the manliest way to be pantsless.
- Mr. Fixit: Except totally not.
- My Future Self and Me: The Commander does this — and kicks his own ass — in order to impress Jonesy.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: Stated to be physically based on Brock Lesnar.
- No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: Raises his children to be responsible, has to share his house with a big millipede.
- Not So Above It All:
- While he works to help overly macho men not be socially disruptive, it was his own over-the-top machismo that broke his marriage apart. To his credit, he took the experience to heart and learned to be a better person.
- He did not take Jared's attempts to be the top Pokemon GO player in the office well.Commander: THIS IS MY HOUSE!
- While he works to help overly macho men not be socially disruptive, it was his own over-the-top machismo that broke his marriage apart. To his credit, he took the experience to heart
- Only Sane Employee: The ringmaster of a group of overly-macho guys with debatable sanity issues, and bad tempers. Ironically his own superiors wanted him to be more like those overly-macho guys in the first place.
- Parental Substitute: Despite employing Jared as an intern, The Commander clearly watches over and talks to Jared as this (not to mention tolerating the silliness he gets up to in the building). He even gives him a few gifts. Made quite obvious in this strip. One strip has the commander list Jared's growth under his care as one of his accomplishments in life.
- Perma-Stubble: This is him after "a couple days of not shaving". Not even. It's what happens if he forgets his "mid-day chops wranglin'."
- Pet the Dog:
- When he takes Jared under his wing, some people expected him to put Jared through Training from Hell, but the Commander states that he doesn't try to toughen up Jared since he thinks that his head is probably one of the most "bizarre an' interesting places anyone could live" and would rather not take that away from him.
- He also opted not to go back in time to stop the Nomura Outbreak because of how happy Jared was once Mr. Fish learned Hyper Beam.
- Real Men Cook: Has perfected his charcoal and woodchip barbecue, had a lobster-bake in his back yard, baked the world's most insane muffins with June, and was selected for Angel's survival derby team for his ability to make fruit preserves.Jonesy: I thought you were picked because you were strong and survivor-y.
Commander: We're super-soldiers! We're all strong and survivor-y! What I've got is STRAWBERRY JAM! - Real Men Wear Pink:
- Or at least have passionate discussions about Jem and the Holograms characters' love lives. He has an eight-year-old daughter.
- He plays Robot Unicorn Attack and was quite upset when Canadian Guy beat his high scores.
- Reasonable Authority Figure: All and all, the Commander is actually rather calm and together, willing to accept the differences of others in stark contrast to the overt "manly man" stereotype he physically resembles. His superiors in the future don't approve of this.
- Red Is Heroic: His jacket and glasses are largely red.
- Screw the Rules, I'm Doing What's Right!: Was knocked back a pay grade because of one too many Saving Private Ryan moments and damaging very expensive government property (himself) in the process.
- Serious Business: Idolizes Marlon Brando, and threatens Jared with bodily harm for comparing him unfavorably to Chuck Norris.
- Being similar to Jared, he takes the high scores on mobile video games very seriously. When he finds out that not only is the Agency a Pokemon gym, but Jared is currently the gym leader:
- Being similar to Jared, he takes the high scores on mobile video games very seriously. When he finds out
- Super-Soldier: Designed to be such in the far-future.
- Testosterone Poisoning: Averted. The Commander shares most of the qualities his clients do, but has maturity as well as manliness. In most strips he's either providing a role model for true manliness (at least from the artist's point of view), or is the long-suffering Only Sane Man. Helping people who do have Testosterone Poisoning is the whole point of his agency.
- Played straight to an extent in that his baseline machoism proved to be too much for his ex-wife as he'd to things like burn down the garden shed instead of dismantling it, keep a bull in the kitchen for midnight bull fights and once attempted to fight Canadian Guy to death on the front lawn (because why else would he invite him over?), all of which lead to their splitting which he regrets.
- Triangle Shades: His goggles become Kamina-style shades after he's infected with Nomura Syndrome. They come in handy.
- Younger Than They Look: The Commander appears to be around his forties at the very least, but he’s actually 32.
- Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: His daughter keeps a large millipede as a pet, and he struggles to be okay with that in spite of a deep-seated dislike of millipedes caused by "two tours of duty on the Millipede Planet during millipede season."
- Wrong Genre Savvy: He chases after Gackt in order to cure his Nomura syndrome since as an Action Hero guy, beating up whoever causes his problems should solve them. It doesn't work.
Jonesy
Sarah "Jonesy" Jones
"...this whole building is buzzing with testosterone."
A friendly woman whom the Commander introduces to the bizarre world of overly masculine but underemployed men.
- Action Girl: Can climb vertical cliff faces and is a good shot with a crossbow.
- Audience Surrogate: Between Jared being a Cloud Cuckoo Lander, Commander Badass being stoically confident, and everyone else being insanely macho characters from nerd culture, Jonesy is the most relatable and "normal" character in the cast, even if she has her own quirks.
- The Watson: Asks the questions for anything regarding how the rehabilitation center works, the culture therein, and Commander Badass's past. (Future?)
- Brick Joke: Jonesy has apparently field-dressed chimeras before this strip
- Brilliant, but Lazy: Jonesy has taken up and then dropped so many hobbies that there is very little she cannot do, from rock climbing to prepping a freshly killed chimera to eat. That doesn't stop her from buying t-shirts en bulk and then giving them to charity after one use because she doesn't want to do the laundry.
- Chekhov's Hobby: Several.Commander Badass: Can I just say it's pretty great havin' a human Swiss Army Knife 'f abandoned hobbies around? I ain't even sayin' that sarcastically.
- Chekhov's Skill: Jonesy's butchering skills from work come in handy when she joins the Commander and Angel for a survival derby. Having someone who can competently turn a dead animal into food is a huge asset.
- Commitment Issues: Has a severe allergy to commitment. This is actually part of the reason Commander likes her; he has the opposite problem and is too quick to form relationships, so her dislike of commitment balances it out.
- Innocently Insensitive: When she finds out that the Commander and most of his friends were created in a lab, she unthinkingly calls them "not real people". The rest of the squad takes it as a good sign that she only did it once.
- Klingon Promotion: Coelasquid jokes that, as an assistant butcher, the only way for Jonesy to advance to the position of head butcher is to kill him and wear his skin.
- Last-Name Basis: Almost never gets called by her first name.
- Limited Wardrobe: Due to hating doing laundry.
- Men Can't Keep House: Inverted. Commander Badass is the one who knows how to cook, clean, and maintain a household, due to having two young children. Jonesy, on the other hand, is so bad at housework that she just buys new clothes instead of doing laundry. It says a lot that even Jared's place is kept nicer, despite being a literal cave.
- The Pig-Pen: Her roommate constantly berates her for not doing dishes or laundry, which she always finds a reason to avoid.
- Unfazed Everyman: It takes a pretty cool head to walk past Pyramid Head with just a bit of side-eye.
Jared
Professor Jared Kowalski
"Now I understand why my mother told me to never eat $500 of Gummi Worms."
A disgraced Pokémon trainer, kicked out of the League for allowing his Gyarados, Mr. Fish, to eat his opponents. The Commander gave him a paid internship at the temp agency (even though he meets none of the manliness requirements) because Jared makes Pokemon battles sound like something the Commander would actually enjoy watching. Is completely failing at saving up enough money to get home.
- Abusive Parents: His parents kicked him out because he disappointed them by not dropping out of society and getting involved in animal fighting.
- When he called them to tell about his accomplishments with Mr. Fish, he was chastised for not raising a better Pokemon. Keep in mind that Mr. Fish is a Gyarados, a Pokemon that's maintained its status as a top-tier offensive powerhouse since Pokemon started.
- Accidental Murder: He accidentally ran over a Mew when his dad was teaching him how to drive. A nearby Team Rocket grunt tried to make him feel better by telling him that their organization could probably clone it.
- Achievements in Ignorance: Without any knowledge of how Pokémon moves worked, he evolved his Magikarp, Mr. Fish, into a Gyarados by using it as a club to beat up other Pokémon.
- Action Survivor: After years of working with the Manly Guys, he gets a job moonlighting as a security guard at Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria. When the animatronics try to murder him, he goes after them with a baseball bat.Jared: Anyway, they said that was destruction of company property and fired me.
Commander: Eh, sounds like they don't got much respect for self-motivated employees. Not much room t' grow in those places. - The Baby of the Bunch: He's the youngest and goofiest member of Commander's team.
- Badass on Paper: For all his actions, as a Pokemon trainer he still has to traverse untamed lands, fight massive beasts and then tame them to fight other massive beasts.
- Berserk Button: *kicks over table* "COMMANDER IS MY SURROGATE FATHER FIGURE! YOU STEP OFF!"
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Despite his weirdness, the Commander acknowledges that Jared has turned out to be a surprisingly competent assistant.
- Cloud Cuckoo Lander: Case in point.◊
- Comically Missing the Point: Very frequently. At one point, the Commander tries to make him feel better about his Muscle Angst by revealing that he didn't get washboard abs until after he was captured by vikings during a time travel adventure and put to work on a slave ship, and that his life didn't magically improve after he gained an awesome physique. What Jared takes away from the lecture is that he needs to find some way to get captured by vikings too.
- Cool Big Bro: If letting the Commander's kids ride Mr. Fish is any indication.
- Dumbass Has a Point: Though he is really more of a Cloud Cuckoo Lander than outright dumb, he tends to ask rather insightful questions.
- Fanboy: He nearly has a heart attack upon finding out he'll be meeting Andy Serkis. That's not Andy Serkis.Commander: Oh, shit, I just got why he was so excited. SARCHUS, kid! AndrewSARCHUS!
Turok: That happens more often than you might think. - Fluffy Tamer: The guy has a knack for training animals that should normally kill him. Aside from Mr. Fish, he's also successfully tamed a bunch of facehuggers.
- Idiot Savant:
- Coelasquid has confirmed that Jared is this when it comes to Pokémon Training. While not the brightest bulb in the box, he takes excellent care of Mr. Fish, grooming him regularly and teaching him new tricks. He also manages to bring Mr. Fish up to somewhere between level 47-55, since he now knows Hyper Beam.
"If there's one thing Jared is competent at, it's loving Mr. Fish."- When properly motivated, he manages to catch a large number of Magnemite and Magneton by himself, offscreen. Without any Poké Balls. It's very impressive.
- For the longest time, he didn't even know what the pokeballs were for; when Mr. Fish was a Magikarp, Jared carried him around on his back. And STILL leveled him up.
- He was given a bunch of honorary Pokemon degrees by Lysandre for his exceptional care of Mr. Fish, and is now a Pokemon Professor. Technically.
- During the temporary alternate timeline when Commander went to the future to deal with some legal B.S., Jared became the religious leader of most of the manly men. His opposition? Fucking Kratos.
- Commander is sincerely worried that while Jared might be a little odd, he has so much creative energy that he might accidentally become a supervillain if he's left alone for too long without adult supervision.
-
- Irony: Despite actually being from the Pokémon world, having grown up surrounded by them and having passed on the chance to become an actual Pokemon Trainer, he's enchanted by Pokémon GO.Jared: [riding on his gyarados] It's like they're really there!
- Kid with the Leash: Though Mr. Fish doesn't seem very leash trained...
- Muscle Angst: He's a bit insecure about his utter lack of muscles, especially when compared to Commander Badass
- Never Bareheaded: Never spotted without his black beanie cap.
- New Ability Addiction: In one strip, Commander Badass entrusts Jared with access to the power-washer. He uses it properly for the first few chores (wash the company car, clean the windows, etc,) but then he keeps using it for things like weeding the lawn (tears up the ground), stocking the fridge (wet food everywhere) and collecting the mail, resulting in the Commander promptly taking it away again.Jared: [as washer is pried from his hands] I REGRET NOTHINGGG!!!
- No Sense of Personal Space: "It's like your face is made of fine porcelain that was made of fine kitten pelts."
- One of the Kids: Because of his goofiness and Cloud Cuckoolander tendencies, he gets along really well with Commander's kids. He even lets them ride Mr. Fish◊!
- Only Sane Man: Surprisingly, he is this compared to all the other Pokemon characters. Being the only one to understand basic pet care and why not dropping out of school at age 10 is a good idea. He's also the only one to instantly figure out that Lysandre is planning to kill a whole lot of people after listening to his passionate Motive Rant at dinner with the Pokemon researchers.
- Parental Neglect: Enforced as a darker interpretation, as his parents forced him out of school and his home to become a trainer.
- Also hinted at in one comic where Jared is putting a huge load of stuffed animals in his bag. When Commander tells him to imagine his father's voice in his head saying, "Do you really need this?", Jared says (with Puppy-Dog Eyes), "My dad never cared about me enough to give me stern fatherly advice like that."
- Perma-Stubble: He freaks out after losing it to the Bishōnen virus. Mainly because what little he has is all he's grown since puberty.
- Perpetual Poverty: After thinking about his recent expenditures (see the above quote for an example), he realizes that he might just be bad at saving money.
- Puppy-Dog Eyes: They work on the Commander, too.
- Unlimited Wardrobe: Only applies to his T-shirts. At least he changes every day.
- "Well Done, Son" Guy: And he seems to be looking to the Commander as a father figure now.
- When All You Have Is a Hammer…: Evolved Mr. Fish by utilizing him as a flail.
Canadian Guy
Canadian Guy
"Ye shar do complain a lot fahr someone pilotin' a giant robot thar b'ahy!"
The true face of Canadianism — evidently all that niceness was just a ruse. Enjoys wrestling moose, drinking heavily, riding snowmobiles, and, possibly, killing dragons.
- Body Horror: Everyone at the agency funneled their blood into Canadian Guy, who then went back home to the doctor to cure the Nomura Syndrome everyone (but him) came down with. Just LOOK AT HIM.
- Boisterous Bruiser: Like many of the other guys at the Commander's agency.
- Boring, but Practical: He's the only man in the office not suffering from Nomura Syndrome. When the Commander, who just got back from an ultimately fruitless adventure to reverse the effects, demands to know how, he just shrugs and says he went to a doctor.
- Cloud Cuckoolander: The man is basically the physical embodiment of the Noodle Incident- any explanation for his odd activities will be guaranteed to not make sense to anyone but him.
- Dumbass Has a Point: When Commander makes known his displeasure that of all possible choices, he's most drift-compatible with Canadian Guy, he responds with the above quote. (Which is not to say Canadian Guy is dumb, per se, we just don't ever see him acting especially brainy.)
- Establishing Character Moment: Loudly greeting Commander with a slap on the shoulder, subsequently infuriating him, and then fighting several moose bare-handed in a wintry forest that has suddenly appeared in the Agency's hallway, all within four panels of introduction.
- Expy: Is a dead ringer for the author's father.
- Funetik Aksent: "All 'n a dae's wark, b'ahy!"
- The Immune: Canadian healthcare is apparently one of his powers.
- Palette Swap: Of the Commander.
- Painting the Medium: His speech text seems to be a hand-drawn type of text, likely to reflect his overall nature. This is shared with all Canadians found in the comic so far.
- Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: To the Commander.
- Shoddy Knockoff Product: A Canadian clone Of the Commander, described in-universe as a bootleg.
- The Sleepless: Instead, he sits in a rowboat in the middle of a lake with a lantern and a buttonbox concertina and an empty stare. Somehow, this causes a massive pile of beaver pelts to appear in Commander Badass' office.
June
Juniper "June"
"DADDY!"
The Commander's oldest child. Eight years old. Sweet-natured, but headstrong and with a love of animals.
- Affectionate Nickname: Her father tends to call her Junebug.
- Fiery Redhead: Has inherited her mother's looks, including strawberry blonde hair, and definitely knows what she wants.
- Friend to All Living Things: Has a pet millipede (to her father's chagrin), is excited to ride Mr. Fish, and attempts to save a lobster from a family cookout.
- Friend to Bugs: She has a millipede as a pet.
- Strong Family Resemblance: Very heavily takes after her mother, though her hair is strawberry blonde rather than bright red.
Sam
Sam
"..."
The Commander's youngest child. A quiet and sweet kid.
- The Quiet One: Has to date only said all of four words in all his appearances; in all likelihood he's just a naturally shy kid.
- Security Blanket: Carries a cuddly shark around at all times, and often hides behind it.
- Strong Family Resemblance: It's a bit early to tell, but he seems to be the spitting image of his father. Also, this. Riding into battle on a great beast, wielding a shark. Sounds like something the Commander would do, and now has done.
Ace
D37-9E-A53/Ace
- Cultured Badass: Part of being trained to be a James Bond expy.
- Butt-Monkey: Not really, but his siblings take a vicious pleasure in pranking him whenever he gets too full of himself.
- Offscreen Moment of Awesome: Put all of Jet's raptors in little suits within moments.
- Parasol of Pain: Can fight with an umbrella for the sake of 'Stylish Combat Dramtics'
- The Social Expert: Shown in flashbacks to do most of the talking.
- Stating the Simple Solution: When his siblings ask him what they should do about being on fire, he suggests that they 'not be on fire'.
- Tuxedo and Martini: Subscribes to the James Bond style of awesomeness.
Angel
V47-KR-A43/Angel
- The Captain: Angel is the Commanding Officer of a spaceship, Commander Badass senior officer, and a generally affable and reasonable leader who sticks up for her subordinates/family in their struggles with senior command.
- Happily Married: To Jet.
- Lady Looks Like a Dude: The fact that Angel usually dresses in fatigues, wears her hair high-and-tight and is the third-most muscular of the super-soldiers (behind Commander and Tank, both of whom are nearly as wide as they are tall) caused quite a bit of
Viewer Gender Confusion in the comments, until she was confirmed by Coelasquid to simply be a very masculine-looking woman. - No Celebrities Were Harmed: Word of God says she's Lee Van Cleef as a female bodybuilder.
Jet
D37-9E-J37/Jet
- The Beast Master: Jet breeds velociraptors for combat duty. With varying degrees of success.
- Electronic Eyes: One of Jet's eyes is clearly a prosthesis. It doesn't seem to bother him much. It's eventually revealed the military put it in Jet to be used to aid the army by taking photos of strategic targets/locations. He mostly uses it to take photos of his raptors.
- Genius Ditz: The guy is apparently an expert at animal training, and he can make armor for his squad of velociraptors. That said, he seems to overlook basics, like maybe avoiding a visit to Commander Badass when fireworks that would scare his raptors are going off. Lampshaded by Commander and Jonesy, when they openly wonder if he's actually good at training them.
- Happily Married: To Angel.
The Raptor Squad
The Raptor Squad
This one's Princess.
Jet's pet velociraptors- Affectionate Parody: Of Owen Grady's velociraptors in the Jurassic World movie. Jet is even seen riding a tiny motorcycle in the jungle with his raptors running alongside him! He later teaches them to ride their own tiny motorcycles.
- Always a Bigger Fish: There is also apparently a T-Rex/Parrot hybrid named Regina who loves Drowning Pool.
- Amazing Technicolor Wildlife: We may never know for certain what colors most dinosaurs were, but bright pink, orange, and red Velociraptors more than likely never existed. Earlier raptors that were bred by Jet had grey and brown colorations akin to real life birds of prey, but they were far less cuddly.
- Goofy Feathered Dinosaur: They look more like some sort of exotic chickens with teeth than your typical movie velociraptors.
- Minion with an F in Evil: Okay, they are not supposed to be evil, but Jet still bred them with the intent to use them for combat duty. In the end, they are so harmless that they can safely be picked up and scolded, hugged by small children because they are afraid of fireworks, or will acknowledge a turkey as their new Alpha.Commander: Jet, I gotta ask, are you actually good at animal training? Because I know it's your thing, but I honestly can't tell.
- No Name Given: The only one of the raptors that's actually named is Princess.
- Obfuscating Stupidity: They're smart enough to be able to pick out their pills in a food bowl, but won't hesitate to eat a bottlecap. Jet has no idea if his babies are smart or stupid.
- Raptor Attack: Completely and utterly averted: the Squad is probably the cutest (and most scientifically accurate) depiction of velociraptors in fiction, and they are miles away from the fierce monsters Jurassic Park made them out to be.
- Ridiculously Cute Critter: So, so much.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Apparently, they are fond of popcorn.
Spider
Spider
- Amicable Exes: With the Commander. They still meet up for drinks every now and then and speak well of each other. Apparently, Spider didn't even object when the Commander took up with her brother.
- Full-Conversion Cyborg: "Went full Robocop", according to Angel. Her jawline is the only human-looking part left of her.
- Huge Guy, Tiny Girl: Before she became a cyborg she had this with both Commander and Tank. Word of God is that she was designed to function as a scout for Tank so had to be able to easily slip into secure areas in order to figure out how to get Tank inside.
- Offscreen Moment of Awesome: Built a massive fancy hotel during the jungle retreat.
Tank
Tank
- Captain Ersatz: The author commented that it's a happy accident that he looks and reads like an almost point-for-point parody of the Captain America villain Nuke, right down to the aggro-juice wires apparently being the red ones.
- Cybernetics Eat Your Soul: He's perfectly happy not being a robot with a handful of flesh strapped to it like other cyborgs, and gets made fun of by them for it. At the same time, because of the modifications to his biochemistry, trying to use his modded system to get "an edge" never goes well for him.
- Foil: To the Commander. Both are huge, muscular and masculine, but where the Commander's masculinity is confident and positive, Tank's is insecure and toxic when he gets intentionally angry.
- Does This Remind You of Anything?: His rampage following a bit of tinkering with his brain chemistry is, in hindsight, discussed a bit like a formerly-clean alcoholic or substance abuser slipping off the wagon.
- Heel Realization: When the Commander left him after one violent beating too many, it was the catalyst for Tank to get himself in order so that he'd never be as rotten to anyone ever again as he'd been to the Commander.
- Hidden Depths: When he doesn't have his circuits crossed, Tanks is shown to be a calm, perceptive, and even reflective individual, trying things like baking and raising saltwater fish.
- Real Men Wear Pink: He learned to bake specifically because it makes him appear softer; he can't eat it himself, but recruits like him more when he brings fresh banana bread.
- Sweet Baker: Invoked. He finds that people are less leery about working with "The guy who brings banana bread" than "An 800 lb cyborg Super-Soldier with severe anger management issues."
- Testosterone Poisoning: Literally. Tank was engineered and built into an experiment to see how aggressive and dysfunctional you could make a Super-Soldier before he becomes more of a threat than an asset, until the rest of the team jailbroke his control array.
- Straw Misogynist: When his circuits get crossed. The Commander points out that when his brain chemistry levels out, the girls in the squad are going to knit him a scarf in his favorite color and he's gonna feel terrible about it.
- Word of God is that Tank doesn't believe the misogynist things he says, so much as he is saying them to try and push others buttons to get them to fight with him, thereby validating his own insecurity.
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- Super Drowning Skills: He swims like a minivan. The Commander exploits this by going out into the water when he's on a tear.
Prominent Characters from Other Works
Mr. Fish
Mr. Fish
- Always a Bigger Fish: Literally. When the Arisen recruits Jared to fight a troll under the assumption that Jared is the Commander's pawn, Mr. Fish has already disemboweled the monster by the time the Commander arrives to clear things up.
- Big Eater: Literal example - his diet is hugely varied, he's frequently seen eating in various scenes, and the result of the two is that he's much larger than an average Gyarados. He even attempts to eat a canonically sized Gyarados in one comic.
- Breath Weapon: Knows Hyper Beam.
- Charles Atlas Superpower: He's big even for a Gyarados, all thanks to his...inclusive...diet and Jared's crazy training regime.
- Childhood Brain Damage: It's implied that Mr. Fish is not very bright because of all the times Jared used him as a bludgeon against other Pokémon when he was a Magikarp.
- Extreme Omnivore: As dictated by Jared. And compared to the diets of most Gen VI Pokemon.
- Fluffy the Terrible: Hell, he's the page image.
- Formally-Named Pet: That's Mr. Fish.
- Gameplay and Story Segregation: a more literal example. Coleasquid based Mr. Fish on the size of the anime-Gyarados, i.e. roughly the size of a T-Rex. Lysandre's Gyarados, on the other hand, is the size given in the Pokédex, i.e. slightly larger than an adult anaconda. The difference is rather stark.
- Gentle Giant: Not to his fellow Pokemon or strangers necessarily but as long as Jared is there to hold his leash Mr. Fish is surprisingly tame. So tame in fact he'll let Jared and the Commanders kids ride him without complaint, and depending how his expression is interpreted actually enjoying it. At his worst Mr. Fish behaves like a big trained predatory animal eating smaller animals or protecting Jared.
- Grotesque Cute: Taken to extremes in this guest strip.
- I Am a Humanitarian: Besides the fact that he ate his opponents' Pokémon and got Jared kicked out of the Pokémon League, he's seen fighting another, more normal-sized Gyarados by seemingly trying to eat it. Also, on the long list of things Jared feeds him, one of those is vagrants.
- Limited Move Arsenal: Comes with being a Pokemon, although the Commander thinks it might be because of all the blunt force trauma it experienced as a Magikarp. Eventually we see his moves— Roll Over, Shake, Don't Eat Jared, Fetch. he forgets Shake to learn Hyper Beam.
- Magikarp Power: The most literal example possible, and also this trope's page image. He started as a Magikarp, whom Jared used as a club to beat opposing Pokemon to a pulp with, and eventually evolved into a monster so terrifying it makes Chuck Norris nervous.
- Our Giants Are Bigger: As a result of Jared feeding him... pretty much everything (and maybe an actual kitchen sink), Mr. Fish is anime-Gyarados-sized, allowing him to pick up Lysandre’s Gyarados with ease, as it is "merely" in-game-sized (21 feet and 520 pounds).
- Perpetual Frowner: According to the author, it was her attempt at drawing a Gyarados with a closed mouth.
- Sea Monster: He is a Gyarados.
- Shamu Fu: When he was a Magikarp.
- Silent Snarker: While Mr. Fish isn't very expressive, there are times where his mere default frown can be interpreted as this.
- Super Mode: It hasn't been used, but Jared now has an entire dumpster full of Gyaradosite. Which, of course, Mr. Fish ate, so Jared doesn't even need to carry it around.
- Super Not-Drowning Skills: Inverted. Despite being an aquatic Pokémon, he's inexplicably able to survive for indefinite periods of time out of water. In fact, he's almost never seen in water.
- Wave-Motion Gun: During the Nomura Syndrome arc, he learned Hyper Beam.
- When All You Have Is a Hammer…: He doesn't know any actual Pokémon moves, but his ridiculous size means he really doesn't need to. During the Nomura Syndrome arc, he chews up and spits out a mouthful of enemies before smashing them into the ground with his head. And he learns Hyper Beam soon after.
Sten
Sten
- Boring, but Practical: Asala is actually a balanced sword, unlike the BFSes used by other guys.
- Flanderization / Once Done, Never Forgotten:
- Discussed. He's getting really tired of everyone thinking he's all about the baked goods.
- Of course, this doesn't stop him from being obsessed with Cookie Clicker.
- The Comically Serious: Most of his appearances are him playing The Straight Man.
- Perpetual Frowner: Wouldn't be Sten without a permanent frown. Along with...
- Spock Speak: ...his clinical speech pattern. And...
- The Stoic: ...his wooden emotional state.
Kratos
Kratos
- Art Evolution: He becomes a lot bulkier and stout to match his later incarnation.
- Ax-Crazy: Less so than his video game incarnation and played for laughs.
- Berserk Button: Has a list of things that aren't these. Roombas, Bubble Tea, Frozen Yogurt and Corn Flakes have recently been struck from the list.
- Butt-Monkey: Often the butt of Testosterone Poisoning jokes.
- Chick Magnet: "Kratos gets girls."
- Faux Yay: Once played Gay Chicken with 300's Leonidas. As neither would surrender, they were in a profoundly unhappy relationship for weeks. Kratos eventually won. And made himself sad.
- Genius Bruiser: He has quite the head for puzzles, considering that he spends most of his games solving them. When it comes to block puzzles however, he needs them to be 20 stories tall.
- Hair-Trigger Temper: Just like in his home series, Kratos loses his temper over the most minor issues, like bubble tea. The author admitted once that part of the punchline was an instance where he didn't lose his temper.
- Large Ham: Oh yeah.Kratos: I'M ALL OUT OF DRINK BUT THERE'S STILL A MILLION JELLY BEANS LEFT! HRAAAAAGHHHH!
- Not So Above It All: Think he's just a rage-addled murder machine with a penchant for puzzles? Well, sure, he's that too, but he's not above joining in Duke's shenanigans even if he doesn't understand what they are.
- Older and Wiser: After growing out his beard and getting a new son, he becomes a lot more calm and soft-spoken in line with his in-game Character Development.
- Perpetual Frowner: Lampshaded that it's because he's constantly in an emotional state.
- Real Men Wear Pink: Adores pomegranate-scented tea lights. Hates blueberry candles though.
- The Straight Man: On occasion, mostly when the Commander isn't around. Even moreso after becoming his Norse incarnation.
Duke
Duke Nukem
- Broken Ace: Something happened to Duke off-screen (i.e. before his first appearance in the comic), and as a consequence, Commander Badass had to talk Duke down from a ledge.Commander: It's going to be okay, Duke! Just come down, you have people who care about you.
Duke: (hysterical) DON'T TALK ABOUT ME LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH! - Casanova Wannabe: Duke's attitude towards women is his usual combination of flirtation and sexism, and it ends as you'd have expected.
- Closet Geek: Turns out all those Army of Darkness and They Live! quotes weren't a coincidence.
- Double Standard: Points out that people get into fits when he slaps a girl, but when he slaps a guy, nobody seems to care. Commander Badass points out that the girl is in a bikini, while the guy (Marcus Fenix) isn't. When they put Fenix in a bikini, Duke changes his tune.Duke: Okay, yeah, I can see people complaining about this.
Fenix: I'm complaining about this.
Commander: As long as they're complaining the same amount, you're gold. - Jerkass: Kind of a dick.
- Jerkass with a Heart of Gold: However, he's willing to rescue mothers from Martians for "the principle of the thing."
- Sunglasses at Night: Apparently they're prescription and the whole reason why he keeps them on is because he doesn't want to be seen in normal ones. That doesn't stop Commander freaking out that he's driving out at night.
Marv
Marv
- Deliberately Monochrome: As befitting a character from Sin City.
- Heroic Self-Deprecation: Always down on himself.
- New and Improved: He's the only character who welcomes becoming a Bishōnen. The fact that he looks like a more muscular version of a young Marlon Brando, instead of the useless pretty-boys the others turn into helps.
- Nice Guy: Relatively speaking.
- You Are Better Than You Think You Are: Jonesy tries convincing him his issues arise from low self esteem. It doesn't work. Although he does acknowledge that not being physically attractive isn't what prevents him from getting girls when he meets Johnny Bravo.
Lobo
Lobo
- A Day in the Limelight: September 2013 was dedicated to him due to the unpopular New 52 changes. We've seen him kill his New 52 self, get into an explosion, complete with muscle tissue exposed, all while smiling and smoking a cigar, and drowning another New 52 him in a bathtubnote .
Ganondorf
Ganondorf
- Affably Evil: Apparently, he's just a Retired Monster pencil pusher who is doing clerical work after getting tired from being a villain. He still gets stir-crazy and tortures Link though.
- Amazingly Embarrassing Parents: He's always embarassed whenever his moms Koutake and Koume meet his guy friends because they like to fuse into Twinrova to hit on them. They try this on Commander Badass when he helps Ganondorf get back home after a night of heavy drinking.
- Badass in a Nice Suit: Despite sitting behind a desk, he's still got it.
- Compressed Hair: When it is revealed that his hair is actually quite long, Ganondorf states that since he grew up as the only male Gerudo of his village, he learned how to be really good at braiding hair.
- Even Evil Has Standards:
- Even he starts feeling a bit sorry for Link when he sees him putting up with Fi.
- Was highly disgusted when Commander believed he married Zelda after routinely kidnapping her.Ganondorf: ...what? Phft. No. Ew. Of course not.
Commander: Well shoot. Who am I thinking of?
Ganondorf: Hunter Hearst Helmsley.
Commander: Yeah, that's th' one!
- Even he starts feeling a bit sorry for Link when he sees him
- Evil Redhead: Zigzagged. He is a villain in The Legend of Zelda but he is a Retired Monster. However, he still continues to Troll Link.
- Fantastic Racism: Link told him that all Gerudo were the same. Ganon took exception to that.
- The Gadfly: After all, even a Retired Monster still needs to have fun.
- Go-Karting with Bowser: He and Ghirahim went to see Mad Max: Fury Road with Link, Zelda, Impa and Nabooru.
- Good Eyes, Evil Eyes: When Zelda told her father Ganondorf had "evil eyes," he points out that they're perfectly normal Gerudo eyes.
- I'm Taking Him Home with Me!: Adopted all the little skeleton stalchildren from Hyrule Warriors when he saw them in the pound. He couldn't stand the thought of them wasting away there.
- In-Series Nickname: Commander calls him "G".
- In Touch with His Feminine Side: He really likes to fix his hair and the Commander wants to know how he does it since his daughter would love it.
- I Thought Everyone Could Do That: Ganondorf doesn't steal all the keys from the dungeons because he doesn't realize that would stop Link. Doesn't everybody grow up learning how to pick locks?
- Massive Numbered Siblings: He has a large number of sisters, which is why he knows how to do his hair.
- Perspective Flip: He sees Mad Max: Fury Road as an obvious allegory to his own life.Ganondorf: Look, I'm just saying when you look at it from my point of view, I'm basically Furiosa.
- Real Men Wear Pink: He likes to do his hair thanks to his aforementioned sisters. He also thinks "you fight like a woman" is a great compliment since he grew up in a tribe of all-female warriors.
- Retired Monster: As Urbosa herself points out eventually, at the end of the day he was a horrible tyrant who brought nothing but suffering and death to his own people, and any heroic qualities he may possess are delusions within his own head. Still, in the comic? He's mostly just a regular ol' businessman in a suit, more interested in causing Link psychological pain for his own purposes than killing.
- Sharp-Dressed Man: Suit? Check. Tie? Check? Shoes? Check.
- Start of Darkness: Played for Laughs: the only reason why he planned to conquer Hyrule in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time was simply because Zelda distrusted him... and though the King disagreed, stated some rather arbitrary grounds for execution.King of Hyrule: I need at least two corroborating suspicious ten year olds to execute a Gerudo.
Ganondorf: Excuse me?!? - Straight Man: He may not be The Comically Serious but he sets up the joke with a straight face.
- What, Exactly, Is His Job?: Unlike guys like Kratos, Ganondorf actually has a job at Commander's temp agency (and an office), but we never learn exactly WHAT he does.
