Characters / Manly Guys Doing Manly Things

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Original Characters

    Commander Badass 

Commander Badass D37-9E-B52/Rock Lobster

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/rocklobster.png
"I can pretty much guarantee the guy with the loudest mouth is th' one with the most issues deep down."

A US Navy TiALS (Time Air Land Sea) operative from the future who now operates a temp agency for ludicrously macho guys. Claims to have been synthesized from American soil and steak. Divorced, with two kids (Sammy and June). He's friends with Jonesy, a mentor to Jared, a rival of Canadian Guy, and a much less abrasive and much more patient guy than first impressions would suggest — he believes that the key to true manliness is confidence and commitment to goals.
  • Action Dad: "The best kind of father, obviously."
  • Ambiguously Brown: Self described as ambiguously brown, no less.
  • Amicable Exes: He's on good terms with his ex-wife Maddy. It helps that he's largely outgrown the issues that caused their divorce in the first place. And he's no longer dating anyone in his old squad, but they're all friends.
  • Animal Motifs: Coelasquid mentioned in a Tumblr post that his face has become more and more bison-like over time.
  • Artificial Human: Claims to have been synthesized from soil and meat. Later confirmed to be artificial.
  • Awesome Mc Coolname: Justified, given he was created to be a public figure.
  • Berserk Button: He ain't no propane peddler.
  • Bishōnen: After contracting Nomura Syndrome by getting scratched by Nier. He got better.
  • Bi the Way: He's played both sides of the field and used to date Tank.
  • Big Eater: So much so that he deliberately avoided telling the firm about an all you can eat breakfast joint so that they wouldn't go out of business. Also justified with his body type.
  • Bruiser with a Soft Center:
    • Is he a manly badass? Yes. Is he a caring daddy to his kids? Yes. Is he an understanding boss and father figure to Jared? Three for three. One of his central beliefs is the idea that you don't need to be a cynical brute to be manly, something he tries to impart to the guys he handles at the agency.
    • His superiors actually hate his soft center since they wanted him to be a cynical antihero.
    • He's very proud of his ability to make fruit preserves. It's the reason Angel picked him for her annual survival derby.
  • Carpet of Virility: Next to his speech pattern, his hairy chest is his most noticeable feature.
  • Commanding Coolness: Almost the Trope Namer for Colonel Badass, but he's not the right rank.
  • Cool Shades: Well, Cool Night-Vision Goggles, anyway. Worn constantly, even at weddings.
  • Doting Parent: Commander Badass adores his two kids. It's most apparent in his interactions with June, who is old enough to insist he watch Jem with her, help her bake the world's most ludicrous muffins and get her a millipede as a pet. He has also taken a caring, if occasionally somewhat stern, interest in Jared, essentially becoming Jared's father figure.
  • Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": His real name is a serial number, so everyone just calls him Commander.
  • Four-Fingered Hands: Only in this old concept art. In the actual comic, he has five-fingered hands.
  • Funetik Aksent: Tends ta speak kinda informally, yanno? Coelasquid suggests that his voice sounds a bit like John DiMaggio as Bender or Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice. Later comics describe his voice as "gargling tar" and the Commander mentions that sometimes he'll tell fast food attendants at drive-throughs that he's Beetlejuice and Tom Waits on a road trip.
  • Going Commando: At least when he wears the kilt.
  • Heroes Want Redheads: Both his ex-wife and current Love Interest Jonesy have red hair.
  • Hero-Worshipper: Of Marlon Brando, in a very literal sense. Evidently the Bran-Dao is a popular religion among macho spacefuture types.
  • Huge Guy, Tiny Girl: Is this by default with pretty much any woman, but especially with his rail-thin spacefuture ex-girlfriend...until she became a cyborg, that is.
  • Lantern Jaw of Justice: Manly and square.
  • Man in a Kilt: Occasionally. He insists it's the manliest way to be pantsless.
  • Mr. Fixit: Except totally not.
  • My Future Self and Me: The Commander does this — and kicks his own ass — in order to impress Jonesy.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: Stated to be physically based on Brock Lesnar.
  • No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: Raises his children to be responsible, has to share his house with a big millipede.
  • Not So Above It All:
    • While he works to help overly macho men not be socially disruptive, it was his own over-the-top machismo that broke his marriage apart. To his credit, he took the experience to heart and learned to be a better person.
    • He did not take Jared's attempts to be the top Pokemon GO player in the office well.
      Commander: THIS IS MY HOUSE!
  • Not So Different: As much as he complains about Canadian Guy, it's pretty obvious they're cut from the same cloth. Emphasized in one comic where The Commander points out that despite having three siblings and two children, it's still Canadian Guy that he's most Drift-compatible with. There's a good reason for that. See Canadian Guy's entry for more.
    • This comic suggests that one reason Commander won't try to change Jared too much is because of this trope. Jonesy literally described him as 'Angel's fuzzy 300 pound Jared'.
  • Only Sane Employee: The ringmaster of a group of overly-macho guys with debatable sanity issues, and bad tempers. Ironically his own superiors wanted him to be more like those overly-macho guys in the first place.
  • Origin Story: Reveals his actual story in bits and pieces, but mainly after being Bishified. He's a being of popular perception bred to fulfill the Commander Badass persona, because in the future, wars are fought for public opinion.
  • Parental Substitute: Despite employing Jared as an intern, The Commander clearly watches over and talks to Jared as this (not to mention tolerating the silliness he gets up to in the building). He even gives him a few gifts. Made quite obvious in this strip.
  • Perma-Stubble: This is him after "a couple days of not shaving". Not even. It's what happens if he forgets his "mid-day chops wranglin'."
  • Pet the Dog:
    • When he takes Jared under his wing, some people expected him to put Jared through Training from Hell, but the Commander states that he doesn't try to toughen up Jared since he thinks that his head is probably one of the most "bizarre an' interesting places anyone could live" and would rather not take that away from him.
    • He also opted not to go back in time to stop the Nomura Outbreak because of how happy Jared was once Mr. Fish learned Hyper Beam.
  • Real Men Cook: Has perfected his charcoal and woodchip barbecue, had a lobster-bake in his back yard, baked the world's most insane muffins with June, and was selected for Angel's survival derby team for his ability to make fruit preserves.
    Jonesy: I thought you were picked because you were strong and survivor-y.
    Commander: We're super-soldiers! We're all strong and survivor-y! What I've got is STRAWBERRY JAM!
  • Real Men Wear Pink:
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: All and all, the Commander is actually rather calm and together, willing to accept the differences of others in stark contrast to the overt "manly man" stereotype he physically resembles. His superiors in the future don't approve of this.
  • Red Is Heroic: His jacket and glasses are largely red.
  • Screw the Rules, I'm Doing What's Right!: Was knocked back a pay grade because of one too many Saving Private Ryan moments and damaging very expensive government property (himself) in the process.
  • Serious Business: Idolizes Marlon Brando, and threatens Jared with bodily harm for comparing him unfavorably to Chuck Norris.
    • Being Not So Different to Jared, he takes the high scores on mobile video games very seriously. When he finds out that not only is the Agency a Pokemon gym, but Jared is currently the gym leader:
    Commander: THIS IS MY HOUSE.
  • Super Soldier: Designed to be such in the far-future.
  • Testosterone Poisoning: Averted. The Commander shares most of the qualities his clients do, but has maturity as well as manliness. In most strips he's either providing a role model for true manliness (at least from the artist's point of view), or is the long-suffering Only Sane Man. Helping people who do have Testosterone Poisoning is the whole point of his agency.
  • Triangle Shades: His goggles become Kamina-style shades after he's infected with Nomura Syndrome. They come in handy.
  • Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: His daughter keeps a large millipede as a pet, and he struggles to be okay with that in spite of a deep-seated dislike of millipedes caused by "two tours of duty on the Millipede Planet during millipede season."

    Jonesy 

Sarah "Jonesy" Jones

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/jonesy.png
"...this whole building is buzzing with testosterone."

A friendly woman whom the Commander introduces to the bizarre world of overly masculine but underemployed men.
  • Action Girl: Can climb vertical cliff faces and is a good shot with a crossbow.
  • Audience Surrogate: Between Jared being a Cloud Cuckoo Lander, Commander Badass being stoically confidant, and everyone else being insanely macho characters from nerd culture, Jonesy is the most relatable and "normal" character in the cast, even if she has her own quirks.
    • The Watson: Asks the questions for anything regarding how the rehabilitation center works, the culture therein, and Commander Badass's past. (Future?)
  • Brick Joke: Jonesy has apparently field-dressed chimeras before this strip
  • Brilliant, but Lazy: Jonesy has taken up and then dropped so many hobbies that there is very little she cannot do, from rock climbing to prepping a freshly killed chimera to eat. That doesn't stop her from buying t-shirts en bulk and then giving them to charity after one use because she doesn't want to do the laundry.
  • Chekhov's Hobby: Several.
    Commander Badass: Can I just say it's pretty great havin' a human Swiss Army Knife 'f abandoned hobbies around? I ain't even sayin' that sarcastically.
  • Chekhov's Skill: Jonesy's butchering skills from work come in handy when she joins the Commander and Angel for a survival derby. Having someone who can competently turn a dead animal into food is a huge asset.
  • Klingon Promotion: Coelasquid jokes that, as an assistant butcher, the only way for Jonesy to advance to the position of head butcher is to kill him and wear his skin.
  • Last Name Basis: Almost never gets called by her first name.
  • Limited Wardrobe: Due to hating doing laundry.
  • Men Can't Keep House: Inverted. Commander Badass is the one who knows how to cook, clean, and maintain a household, due to having two young children. Jonesy, on the other hand, is so bad at housework that she just buys new clothes instead of doing laundry. It says a lot that even Jared's place is kept nicer, despite being a literal cave.
  • The Pig Pen: Her roommate constantly berates her for not doing dishes or laundry, which she always finds a reason to avoid.

    Jared 

Professor Jared Kowalski

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/jared.png
"Now I understand why my mother told me to never eat $500 of Gummi Worms."

A disgraced Pokémon trainer, kicked out of the League for allowing his Gyarados, Mr. Fish, to eat his opponents. The Commander gave him a paid internship at the temp agency (even though he meets none of the manliness requirements) because Jared makes Pokemon battles sound like something the Commander would actually enjoy watching. Is completely failing at saving up enough money to get home.
  • Idiot Savant:
    • Coelasquid has confirmed that Jared is this when it comes to Pokémon Training. While not the brightest bulb in the box, he takes excellent care of Mr. Fish, grooming him regularly and teaching him new tricks. He also manages to bring Mr. Fish up to somewhere between level 47-55, since he now knows Hyper Beam.
    "If there's one thing Jared is competent at, it's loving Mr. Fish."
    • When properly motivated, he manages to catch a large number of Magnemite and Magneton by himself, offscreen. Without any Poké Balls. It's very impressive.
    • For the longest time, he didn't even know what the pokeballs were for; when Mr. Fish was a Magikarp, Jared carried him around on his back. And STILL leveled him up.
    • He was given a bunch of honorary Pokemon degrees by Lysandre for his exceptional care of Mr. Fish, and is now a Pokemon Professor. Technically.
    • During the temporary alternate timeline when Commander went to the future to deal with some legal B.S., Jared became the religious leader of most of the manly men. His opposition? Fucking Kratos.
  • Kid with the Leash: Though Mr. Fish doesn't seem very leash trained...
  • Nice Hat: Never spotted without his black beanie cap.
  • New Ability Addiction: In one strip, Commander Badass entrusts Jared with access to the power-washer. He uses it properly for the first few chores (wash the company car, clean the windows, etc,) but then he keeps using it for things like weeding the lawn (tears up the ground), stocking the fridge (wet food everywhere) and collecting the mail, resulting in the Commander promptly taking it away again.
    Jared: [as washer is pried from his hands] I REGRET NOTHINGGG!!!
  • No Sense of Personal Space: "It's like your face is made of fine porcelain that was made of fine kitten pelts."
  • Only Sane Man: Surprisingly, he is this compared to all the other pokemon characters. Being the only one to understand basic pet care and why not dropping out of school at age 10 is a good idea.
  • Parental Neglect: Enforced as a darker interpretation, as his parents forced him out of school and his home to become a trainer.
  • Perma-Stubble: He freaks out after losing it to the Bishōnen virus. Mainly because what little he has is all he's grown since puberty.
  • Perpetual Poverty: After thinking about his recent expenditures (see the above quote for an example), he realizes that he might just be bad at saving money.
  • Puppy-Dog Eyes: They work on the Commander, too.

    Canadian Guy 

Canadian Guy

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/canadianguy.png
"Ye shar do complain a lot fahr someone pilotin' a giant robot thar b'ahy!"

The true face of Canadianism — evidently all that niceness was just a ruse. Enjoys wrestling moose, drinking heavily, riding snowmobiles, and, possibly, killing dragons.
  • Body Horror: Everyone at the agency funneled their blood into Canadian Guy, who then went back home to the doctor to cure the Nomura Syndrome everyone (but him) came down with. Just LOOK AT HIM.
  • Boisterous Bruiser: Like many of the other guys at the Commander's agency.
  • Canada, Eh?: Did the name not make it obvious?
  • Cloud Cuckoolander: The man is basically the physical embodiment of the Noodle Incident- any explanation for his odd activities will be guaranteed to not make sense to anyone but him.
  • Dumbass Has a Point: When Commander makes known his displeasure that of all possible choices, he's most drift-compatible with Canadian Guy, he responds with the above quote. (Which is not to say Canadian Guy is dumb, per se, we just don't ever see him acting especially brainy.)
  • Establishing Character Moment: Loudly greeting Commander with a slap on the shoulder, subsequently infuriating him, and then fighting several moose bare-handed in a wintry forest that has suddenly appeared in the Agency's hallway, all within four panels of introduction.
  • Expy: Is a dead ringer for the author's father.
  • Funetik Aksent: "All 'n a dae's wark, b'ahy!"
  • The Immune: Canadian healthcare is apparently one of his powers.
  • Not So Different:
    • Not only is his appearance nearly identical to that of the Commander, but the Commander accuses him of "lazy Canadianspeak" (when the Commander is known for dropping vowels like they're hot).
    • It says something when The Commander and Canadian Guy are shown to be the most drift-compatible matches for each other.
    • Apparently he was created using a bootleg copy of Commander's DNA with regional modifications.
  • Palette Swap: Of the Commander.
  • Painting the Medium: His speech text seems to be a hand-drawn type of text, likely to reflect his overall nature. This is shared with all Canadians found in the comic so far.
  • Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: To the Commander.
  • Shoddy Knockoff Product: A Canadian clone Of the Commander.
  • The Sleepless: Instead, he sits in a rowboat in the middle of a lake with a lantern and a buttonbox concertina and an empty stare. Somehow, this causes a massive pile of beaver pelts to appear in Commander Badass' office.

    June 

June

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/june_8.png
"DADDY!"

The Commander's oldest child. Eight years old. Sweet-natured, but headstrong and with a love of animals.

    Sam 

Sam

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/sam_08.png
"..."

The Commander's youngest child. A quiet and sweet kid.

     Ace 

D37-9E-A53/Ace

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/ace_9.png
One of the Commander's siblings. Cool, suave, collected... and the target of his siblings' practical jokes.
  • British Accents: Has one, probably as a part of the James Bond package. This confuses Jonesy to no end.
  • Butt Monkey: Not really, but his siblings take a vicious pleasure in pranking him whenever he gets too full of himself.
  • The Social Expert: Shown in flashbacks to do most of the talking.
  • Tuxedo and Martini: Subscribes to the James Bond style of awesomeness.

    Angel 

V47-KR-A43/Angel

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/angel_2.png
The Commander's CO and sister-in-law.
  • Boobs of Steel: Despite her otherwise androgynous appearance, she has the largest bust of all the female spacefuture soldiers, and seems to be the most capable.
  • The Captain: Angel is the Commanding Officer of a spaceship, Commander Badass senior officer, and a generally affable and reasonable leader who sticks up for her subordinates/family in their struggles with senior command.
  • Happily Married: To Jet.
  • Lady Looks Like a Dude: The fact that Angel usually dresses in fatigues, wears her hair high-and-tight and is the third-most muscular of the super-soldiers (behind Commander and Tank, both of whom are nearly as wide as they are tall) caused quite a bit of Viewer Gender Confusion in the comments, until she was confirmed by Coelasquid to simply be a very masculine-looking woman.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: Word of God says she's Lee Van Cleef as a female bodybuilder.

     Jet 

D37-9E-J37/Jet

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/jet.png
Another one of the spacefuture super soldiers. The Commander's brother.
  • The Beast Master: Jet breeds velociraptors for combat duty. With varying degrees of success.
  • Electronic Eyes: One of Jet's eyes is clearly a prosthesis. It doesn't seem to bother him much.
  • Genius Ditz: The guy is apparently an expert at animal training, and he can make armor for his squad of velociraptors. That said, he seems to overlook basics, like maybe avoiding a visit to Commander Badass when fireworks that would scare his raptors are going off. Lampshaded by Commander and Jonesy, when they openly wonder if he's actually good at training them.
  • Happily Married: To Angel.

     The Raptor Squad 

The Raptor Squad

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/princess.png
This one's Princess.
Jet's pet velociraptors

     Spider 

Spider

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/spider_4.png
The Commander's ex-girlfriend.
  • Amicable Exes: With the Commander. They still meet up for drinks every now and then and speak well of each other. Apparently, Spider didn't even object when the Commander took up with her brother.
  • Cyborg: "Went full Robocop", according to Angel.
  • Huge Guy, Tiny Girl: Before she became a cyborg she had this with both Commander and Tank. Word of God is that she was designed to function as a scout for Tank so had to be able to easily slip into secure areas in order to figure out how to get Tank inside.

    Tank 

Tank

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/tank.png
Spider's brother. The Commander's ex-boyfriend.
  • Berserk Button: He literally has one, but he's the only one who can flip it.
  • Foil: To the Commander. Both are blond, muscular and masculine, but where the Commander's masculinity is confident and positive, Tank's is insecure and toxic.
  • Testosterone Poisoning: Literally. Tank was engineered and built into an experiment to see how aggressive and dysfunctional you could make a Super Soldier before he becomes more of a threat than an asset, until the rest of the team jailbroke his control array.
  • Straw Misogynist: When his circuits get crossed.

Prominent Characters from Other Works

    Mr. Fish 

Mr. Fish

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/mrfish.png
A Gyarados. Not very bright, but very large. Follows Jared's every whim.
  • Big Eater: Literal example - his diet is hugely varied, he's frequently seen eating in various scenes, and the result of the two is that he's much larger than an average Gyarados. He even attempts to eat a canonically sized Gyarados in one comic.
  • Breath Weapon: Knows Hyper Beam.
  • Charles Atlas Superpower: He's big even for a Gyarados, all thanks to his...inclusive...diet and Jared's crazy training regime.
  • Extreme Omnivore: As dictated by Jared. And compared to the diets of most Gen VI Pokemon.
  • Fluffy the Terrible: Hell, he's the page image.
  • Formally Named Pet: That's Mr. Fish.
  • Gameplay and Story Segregation: a more literal example. Coleasquid based Mr. Fish on the size of the anime-Gyarados, i.e. roughly the size of a T-Rex. Lysandre's Gyarados, on the other hand, is the size given in the Pokédex, i.e. slightly larger than an adult anaconda. The difference is rather stark.
  • Grotesque Cute: Taken to extremes in this guest strip.
  • I Am A Humanitarian: Besides the fact that he ate his opponents' Pokémon and got Jared kicked out of the Pokémon League, he's seen fighting another, more normal-sized Gyarados by seemingly trying to eat it. Also, on the long list of things Jared feeds him, one of those is vagrants.
  • Limited Move Arsenal: Comes with being a Pokemon. Eventually we see his moves— Roll Over, Shake, Don't Eat Jared, Fetch. he forgets Shake to learn Hyper Beam.
  • Magikarp Power: The most literal example possible, and also this trope's page image. He started as a Magikarp, whom Jared used as a club to beat opposing Pokemon to a pulp with, and eventually evolved into a monster so terrifying it makes Chuck Norris nervous.
  • Our Giants Are Bigger: As a result of Jared feeding him... pretty much everything (and maybe an actual kitchen sink), Mr. Fish is anime-Gyarados-sized, allowing him to pick up Lysandre’s Gyarados with ease, as it is "merely" in-game-sized (21 feet and 520 pounds).
  • Perpetual Frowner: According to the author, it was her attempt at drawing a Gyarados with a closed mouth.
  • Sea Monster: He is a Gyarados.
  • Shamu Fu: When he was a Magikarp.
  • Super Mode: It hasn't been used, but Jared now has an entire dumpster full of Gyaradosite. Which, of course, Mr. Fish ate, so Jared doesn't even need to carry it around.
  • Wave Motion Gun: During the Nomura Syndrome arc, he learned Hyper Beam.
  • When All You Have Is a Hammer...: He doesn't know any actual Pokémon moves, but his ridiculous size means he really doesn't need to. During the Nomura Syndrome arc, he chews up and spits out some enemies before smashing them into the ground with his head. And he learns Hyper Beam soon after.

    Sten 

Sten

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/sten.png
A stoic qunari warrior often teased for his love of cookies. Might be a big fan of Heavy Metal.

    Kratos 

Kratos

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/kratos.png
A sullen, violent Spartan who isn't adjusting well to civilian life. Has no trouble getting dates, though.

    Duke 

Duke Nukem

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/duke_4.png
A loudmouthed action hero with hidden insecurities and, apparently, a life-size Alien maquette in his living room.
  • Broken Ace: Something happened to Duke off-screen (i.e. before his first appearance in the comic), and as a consequence, Commander Badass had to talk Duke down from a ledge.
    Commander: It's going to be okay, Duke! Just come down, you have people who care about you.
    Duke: (hysterical) DON'T TALK ABOUT ME LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!
  • Casanova Wannabe: Duke's attitude towards women is his usual combination of flirtation and sexism, and Reality Ensues.
  • Closet Geek: Turns out all those Army of Darkness and They Live quotes weren't a coincidence.
  • Double Standard: Points out that people get into fits when he slaps a girl, but when he slaps a guy, nobody seems to care. Commander Badass points out that the girl is in a bikini, while the guy (Marcus Fenix) isn't. When they put Fenix in a bikini, Duke changes his tune.
    Duke: Okay, yeah, I can see people complaining about this.
    Fenix: I'm complaining about this.
    Commander: As long as they're complaining the same amount, you're gold.
  • Jerkass: Kind of a dick.
  • Jerkass with a Heart of Gold: However, he's willing to rescue mothers from Martians for "the principle of the thing."

    Marv 

Marv

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/marv.png
A big, burly, black & white lug, who has trouble with women.

    Lobo 

Lobo

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/lobo.png
An intergalactic bounty hunter whose general personality isn't that much different than in the comics, or at least, he was.

    Ganondorf 

Ganondorf

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/ganondorf_7.png
The Archnemesis of Link. Not as malevolent as in the games but is not above trolling Link. He wears suits during his offtime from the games.


http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Characters/ManlyGuysDoingManlyThings