Characters: Manly Guys Doing Manly Things
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Commander Badass D37-9E-B52/Rock Lobster
"I can pretty much guarantee the guy with the loudest mouth is th' one with the most issues deep down."A US Navy TiALS (Time Air Land Sea) operative from the future who now operates a temp agency for ludicrously macho guys. Claims to have been synthesized from American soil and steak. Divorced, with two kids (Sammy and June). He's friends with Jonesy, a mentor to Jared, a rival of Canadian Guy, and a much less abrasive and much more patient guy than first impressions would suggest — he believes that the key to true manliness is confidence and commitment to goals.
- Action Dad: "The best kind of father, obviously."
- Ambiguously Brown: Self described as ambiguously brown, no less.
- Animal Motifs: Coelasquid mentioned in a Tumblr post that his face has become more and more bison-like over time.
- Artificial Human: Claims to have been synthesized from soil and meat. Later confirmed to be artificial.
- Awesome McCoolname: Justified, given he was created to be a public figure.
- Badass: In more ways than one. Firstly, he's called Commander Badass, and definitely looks the part. While infected with Nomura Syndrome he defeated Gackt's pen-ultimate form by slicing his neck open with his Kamina-style sunglasses. He's also a very responsible father, both to his own children and as a father figure to Jared. Additionally, he's very good at managing and organizing ultra-macho guys.
- Berserk Button: He ain't no propane peddler.
- Bishōnen: After contracting Nomura Syndrome by getting scratched by Nier. He got better.
- Bi the Way: He's played both sides of the field.
- Bruiser with a Soft Center: Is he a manly badass? Yes. Is he a caring daddy to his kids? Yes. Is he an understanding boss and father figure to Jared? Three for three. One of his central beliefs is the idea that you don't need to be a cynical brute to be manly, something he tries to impart to the guys he handles at the agency.
"We're supersoldiers. We're all strong and survivory. What I got is strawberry jam!"
- His superiors actually hate his soft center since they wanted him to be a cynical antihero.
- He's very proud of his ability to make fruit preserves. It's the reason Angel picked him for her annual survival derby.
- Carpet of Virility: Next to his speech pattern, his hairy chest is his most noticeable feature.
- Commanding Coolness: Almost the Trope Namer for Colonel Badass, but he's not the right rank.
- Cool Shades: Well, Cool Night-Vision Goggles, anyway. Worn constantly, even at weddings.
- Doting Parent: Commander Badass adores his two kids. It's most apparent in his interactions with June, who is old enough to insist he watch Jem with her, help her bake the world's most ludicrous muffins and get her a millipede as a pet. He has also taken a caring, if occasionally somewhat stern, interest in Jared, essentially becoming Jared's father figure.
- Everyone Calls Him Barkeep: His real name is a serial number, so everyone just calls him Commander.
- Four-Fingered Hands: Only in this old concept art◊. In the actual comic, he has five-fingered hands.
- Funetik Aksent: Tends ta speak kinda informally, yanno? Coelasquid suggests that his voice sounds a bit like John DiMaggio as Bender or Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice. Later comics describe his voice as "gargling tar" and the Commander mentions that sometimes he'll tell fast food attendants at drive-throughs that he's Beetlejuice and Tom Waits on a road trip.
- Heroes Want Redheads: Both his ex-wife and current Love Interest Jonesy have red hair.
- Hero-Worshipper: Of Marlon Brando, in a very literal sense. Evidently the Bran-Dao is a popular religion among macho spacefuture types.
- Lantern Jaw of Justice: Manly and square.
- Man in a Kilt: Occasionally. He insists it's the manliest way to be pantsless.
- Going Commando: At least when he wears the kilt.
- Mr. Fixit: Except totally not.
- My Future Self and Me: The Commander does this — and kicks his own ass — in order to impress Jonesy.
- No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: Raises his children to be responsible, has to share his house with a big millipede.
- Not So Above It All: While he works to help overly macho men not be socially disruptive, it was his own over-the-top machismo that broke his marriage apart. To his credit, he took the experience to heart and learned to be a better person.
- Not So Different: As much as he complains about Canadian Guy, it's pretty obvious they're cut from the same cloth. Emphasized in one comic where The Commander points out that despite having three siblings and two children, it's still Canadian Guy that he's most Drift-compatible with.
- Only Sane Employee: The ringmaster of a group of overly-macho guys with debatable sanity issues, and bad tempers. Ironically his own superiors wanted him to be more like those overly-macho guys in the first place.
- Origin Story: Reveals his actual story in bits and pieces, but mainly after being Bishified. He's a being of popular perception bred to fulfill the Commander Badass persona, because in the future, wars are fought for public opinion.
- Parental Substitute: Despite employing Jared as an intern, The Commander clearly watches over and talks to Jared as this (not to mention tolerating the silliness he gets up to in the building). He even gives him a few gifts. Made quite obvious in this strip.
- Perma Stubble: This is him after "a couple days of not shaving".
- Not even. It's what happens if he forgets his "mid-day chops wranglin'."
- Pet the Dog: When he takes Jared under his wing, some people expected him to put Jared through Training from Hell, but the Commander states that he doesn't try to toughen up Jared since he thinks that his head is probably one of the most "bizarre an' interesting places anyone could live" and would rather not take that away from him.
- He also opted not to go back in time to stop the Nomura Outbreak because of how happy Jared was once Mr. Fish learned Hyper Beam.
- Real Men Cook: Has perfected his charcoal and woodchip barbecue, had a lobster-bake in his back yard, baked the world's most insane muffins with June, and waas selected for Angel's survival derby team for his ability to make fruit preserves.We're super-soldiers! We're all strong and survivor-y! What I've got is STRAWBERRY JAM!
- Real Men Wear Pink: Or at least have passionate discussions about Jem and the Holograms characters' love lives. He has an eight-year-old daughter.
- He plays Robot Unicorn Attack and was quite upset when Canadian Guy beat his high scores.
- Reasonable Authority Figure: All and all, the Commander is actually rather calm and together, willing to accept the differences of others in stark contrast to the overt "manly man" stereotype he physically resembles. His superiors in the future don't approve of this.
- Red Is Heroic: His jacket and glasses are largely red.
- Screw the Rules, I'm Doing What's Right: Was knocked back a pay grade because of one too many Saving Private Ryan moments and damaging very expensive government property (himself) in the process.
- Serious Business: Idolizes Marlon Brando, and threatens Jared with bodily harm for comparing him unfavorably to Chuck Norris.
- Super Soldier: Designed to be such in the far-future.
- Testosterone Poisoning: Averted. The Commander shares most of the qualities his clients do, but has maturity as well as manliness. In most strips he's either providing a role model for true manliness (at least from the artist's point of view), or is the long-suffering Only Sane Man. Helping people who do have Testosterone Poisoning is the whole point of his agency.
- Triangle Shades: His goggles become Kamina-style shades after he's infected with Nomura Syndrome. They come in handy.
- Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: His daughter keeps a large millipede as a pet, and he struggles to be okay with that in spite of a deep-seated dislike of millipedes caused by "two tours of duty on the Millipede Planet during millipede season."
Sarah "Jonesy" Jones
"...this whole building is buzzing with testosterone."A friendly woman whom the Commander introduces to the bizarre world of overly masculine but underemployed men.
- Action Girl: Can climb vertical cliff faces and is a good shot with a crossbow.
- Brick Joke: Jonesy has apparently field-dressed chimeras before this strip
- Chekhov's Hobby: Several.Commander Badass: Can I just say it's pretty great havin' a human Swiss Army Knife 'f abandoned hobbies around? I ain't even sayin' that sarcastically.
- Chekhov's Skill: Jonesy's butchering skills from work come in handy when she joins the Commander and Angel for a survival derby. Having someone who can competently turn a dead animal into food is a huge asset.
- Klingon Promotion: Coelasquid jokes that, as an assistant butcher, the only way for Jonesy to advance to the position of head butcher is to kill him and wear his skin.
- Last Name Basis: Almost never gets called by her first name.
- Limited Wardrobe: Due to hating doing laundry.
- Men Can't Keep House: Inverted. Commander Badass is the one who knows how to cook, clean, and maintain a household, due to having an eight-year-old daughter. Jonesy, on the other hand, is so bad at housework that she just buys new clothes instead of doing laundry.
- The Pig Pen: Her roommate constantly berates her for not doing dishes or laundry, which she always finds a reason to avoid.
Professor Jared Kowalski
"Now I understand why my mother told me to never eat $500 of Gummi Worms."A disgraced Pokémon trainer, kicked out of the League for allowing his Gyarados, Mr. Fish, to eat his opponents. The Commander gave him a paid internship at the temp agency (even though he meets none of the manliness requirements) because Jared makes Pokemon battles sound like something the Commander would actually enjoy watching. Is completely failing at saving up enough money to get home.
- A Boy and His X: A boy and his Gyarados.
- Abusive Parents: His parents kicked him out because he disappointed them by not dropping out of society and getting involved in animal fighting.
- Badass on Paper: For all his actions, as a Pokemon trainer he still has to traverse untamed lands, fight massive beasts and then tame them to fight other massive beasts.
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Despite his weirdness, the Commander acknowledges that Jared has turned out to be a surprisingly competent assistant.
- Cloud Cuckoo Lander: Case in point.◊
- Fanboy: He nearly has a heart attack upon finding out he'll be meeting Andy Serkis. That's not Andy Serkis.Commander: Oh, shit, I just got why he was so excited. SARCHUS, kid! AndrewSARCHUS!
Turok: That happens more often than you might think.
- Idiot Savant:
- Coelasquid has confirmed that Jared is this when it comes to Pokémon Training. While not the brightest bulb in the box, he takes excellent care of Mr. Fish, grooming him regularly and teaching him new tricks. He also manages to bring Mr. Fish up to somewhere between level 47-55, since he now knows Hyper Beam.
- When properly motivated, he manages to catch a large number of Magnemite and Magneton by himself, offscreen. Without any Poké Balls. It's very impressive.
- For the longest time, he didn't even know what the pokeballs were for; when Mr. Fish was a Magikarp, Jared carried him around on his back. And STILL leveled him up.
- He was given a bunch of honorary Pokemon degrees by Lysandre for his exceptional care of Mr. Fish, and is now a Pokemon Professor. Technically.
- During the temporary alternate timeline when Commander went to the future to deal with some legal B.S., Jared became the religious leader of most of the manly men. His opposition? Fucking Kratos.
- Kid with the Leash: Though Mr. Fish doesn't seem very leash trained...
- Nice Hat: Never spotted without his black beanie cap.
- New Ability Addiction: In one strip, Commander Badass entrusts Jared with access to the power-washer. He uses it properly for the first few chores (wash the company car, clean the windows, etc,) but then he keeps using it for things like weeding the lawn (tears up the ground), stocking the fridge (wet food everywhere) and collecting the mail, resulting in the Commander promptly taking it away again.Jared: [as washer is pried from his hands] I REGRET NOTHINGGG!!!
- No Sense of Personal Space: "It's like your face is made of fine porcelain that was made of fine kitten pelts."
- Parental Neglect: Enforced as a darker interpretation, as his parents forced him out of school and his home to become a trainer.
- Perma Stubble: He freaks out after losing it to the Bishōnen virus.
- Perpetual Poverty: After thinking about his recent expenditures (see the above quote for an example), he realizes that he might just be bad at saving money.
- Puppy-Dog Eyes: They work on the Commander, too.
"Ye shar do complain a lot fahr someone pilotin' a giant robot thar b'ahy!"The true face of Canadianism — evidently all that niceness was just a ruse. Enjoys wrestling moose, drinking heavily, riding snowmobiles, and, possibly, killing dragons.
- Body Horror: Everyone at the agency funneled their blood into Canadian Guy, who then went back home to the doctor to cure the Nomura Syndrome everyone (but him) came down with. Just LOOK AT HIM.
- Boisterous Bruiser: Like many of the other guys at the Commander's agency.
- Canada, Eh?: Did the name not make it obvious?
- Cloud Cuckoolander: The man is basically the physical embodiment of the Noodle Incident- any explanation for his odd activities will be guaranteed to not make sense to anyone but him.
- Expy: Is a dead ringer for the author's father.
- Funetik Aksent: "All 'n a dae's wark, b'ahy!"
- The Immune: Canadian healthcare is apparently one of his powers.
- Not So Different:
- Not only is his appearance nearly identical to that of the Commander, but the Commander accuses him of "lazy Canadianspeak" (when the Commander is known for dropping vowels like they're hot).
- It says something when The Commander and Canadian Guy are shown to be the most drift-compatible matches for each other.
- Palette Swap: Of the Commander.
- Painting the Medium: His speech text seems to be a hand-drawn type of text, likely to reflect his overall nature. This is shared with all Canadians found in the comic so far.
- Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: To the Commander.
- The Sleepless: Instead, he sits in a rowboat in the middle of a lake with a lantern and a buttonbox concertina and an empty stare. Somehow, this causes a massive pile of beaver pelts to appear in Commander Badass' office.
"DADDY!"The Commander's oldest child. Eight years old. Sweet-natured, but headstrong and with a love of animals.
- Fiery Redhead: Has inherited her mother's looks, including strawberry blonde hair, and definitely knows what she wants.
- Friend to All Living Things: Has a pet millipede (to her father's chagrin), and attempts to save a lobster from a family cookout.
- Strong Family Resemblance: Very heavily takes after her mother, though her hair is strawberry blonde rather than bright red.
"..."The Commander's youngest child. A quiet and sweet kid.
- The Quiet One: Has to date not said a word in all his appearances, but is in all likelihood just a naturally shy kid.
- Security Blanket: Carries a cuddly shark around at all times, and often hides behind it.
- Strong Family Resemblance: It's a bit early to tell, but he seems to be the spitting image of his father. Also, this. Riding into battle on a great beast, wielding a shark. Sounds like something the Commander would do.
Prominent Characters from Other Works
Mr. FishA Gyarados. Not very bright, but very large. Follows Jared's every whim.
- Extreme Omnivore: As dictated by Jared. And compared to the diets of most Gen VI Pokemon.
- Fluffy the Terrible: Hell, he's the page image.
- Formally Named Pet: That's Mr. Fish.
- Grotesque Cute: Taken to extremes in this guest strip.
- Limited Move Arsenal: Comes with being a Pokemon. Eventually we see his moves— Roll Over, Shake, Don't Eat Jared, Fetch. he forgets Shake to learn Hyper Beam.
- Magikarp Power: The most literal example possible, and also this trope's page image. He started as a Magikarp, whom Jared used as a club to beat opposing Pokemon to a pulp with, and eventually evolved into a monster so terrifying it makes Chuck Norris nervous.
- Our Giants Are Bigger: As a result of Jared feeding him... pretty much everything (and maybe an actual kitchen sink), Mr. Fish is anime-Gyarados-sized, allowing him to pick up Lysandre’s Gyarados with ease, as it is "merely" in-game-sized (21 feet and 520 pounds).
- Perpetual Frowner: According to the author, it was her attempt at drawing a Gyarados with a closed mouth.
- Sea Monster: He is a Gyarados.
- Shamu Fu: When he was a Magikarp.
- Super Mode: It hasn't been used, but Jared now has an entire dumpster full of Gyaradosite.
- Wave Motion Gun: During the Nomura Syndrome arc, he learned Hyper Beam.
- Boring but Practical: Asala is actually a balanced sword, unlike the BFSes used by other guys.
- Flanderization / Never Live It Down: Discussed. He's getting really tired of everyone thinking he's all about the baked goods.
- The Comically Serious: Most of his appearances are him playing The Straight Man.
- Perpetual Frowner: Wouldn't be Sten without a permanent frown. Along with...
- Spock Speak: ...his clinical speech pattern. And...
- The Stoic: ...his wooden emotional state.
- Ax-Crazy: Less so than his video game incarnation and played for laughs.
- Berserk Button: Has a list of things that aren't these. Roombas, Bubble Tea, Frozen Yogurt and Corn Flakes have recently been struck from the list.
- Butt Monkey: Often the butt of Testosterone Poisoning jokes.
- Chick Magnet: "Kratos gets girls."
- Faux Yay: Once played Gay Chicken with 300's Leonidas. As neither would surrender, they were in a profoundly unhappy relationship for weeks. Kratos eventually won. And made himself sad.
- Genius Bruiser: He has quite the head for puzzles, considering that he spends most of his games solving them. When it comes to block puzzles however, he needs them to be 20 stories tall.
- Large Ham: Oh yeah.Kratos: I'M ALL OUT OF DRINK BUT THERE'S STILL A MILLION JELLY BEANS LEFT! HRAAAAAGHHHH!
- Perpetual Frowner: Lampshaded that it's because he's constantly in an emotional state.
- Real Men Wear Pink: Adores pomegranate-scented tea lights. Hates blueberry candles though.
- The Straight Man: On occasion, mostly when the Commander isn't around.
Alien maquette in his living room.
- Broken Ace: Something happened to Duke off-screen (i.e. before his first appearance in the comic), and as a consequence, Commander Badass had to talk Duke down from a ledge.Commander: It's going to be okay, Duke! Just come down, you have people who care about you.
Duke: (hysterical) DON'T TALK ABOUT ME LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!
- Closet Geek: Turns out all those Army of Darkness and They Live! quotes weren't a coincidence.
- Double Standard: Points out that people get into fits when he slaps a girl, but when he slaps a guy, nobody seems to care. Commander Badass points out that the girl is in a bikini, while the guy (Marcus Fenix) isn't. When they put Fenix in a bikini, Duke changes his tune.Duke: Okay, yeah, I can see people complaining about this.
Fenix: I'm complaining about this.
Commander: As long as they're complaining the same amount, you're gold.
- Jerkass: Kind of a dick.
- Deliberately Monochrome: As befitting a character from Sin City.
- Heroic Self-Deprecation: Always down on himself.
- New and Improved: He's the only character who welcomes becoming a Bishōnen. The fact that he looks like a more muscular version of a young Marlon Brando, instead of the useless pretty-boys the others turn into helps.
- Nice Guy: Relatively speaking.
- You Are Better Than You Think You Are: Jonesy tries convincing him his issues arise from low self esteem. It doesn't work. Although he does acknowledge that not being physically attractive isn't what prevents him from getting girls when he meets Johnny Bravo.
GanondorfThe Archnemesis of Link. Not as malevolent as in the games but is not above trolling link. He wears suits during his offtime from the games.
- Affably Evil: Apparently, he's just a Retired Monster pencil pusher who is doing clerical work after getting tired from being a villain. He still gets stir-crazy and tortures Link though.
- Badass in a Nice Suit: Despite sitting behind a desk, he's still got it.
- Compressed Hair: When it is revealed that his hair is actually quite long, Ganondorf states that since he grew up as the only male Gerudo of his village, he learned how to be really good at braiding hair.
- Dreadlock Warrior: Complete with golden Hair Decorations.
- Even Evil Has Standards: Even he starts feeling a bit sorry for Link when he sees him putting up with Fi.
- Evil Redhead: Zigzagged. He is a villain in The Legend of Zelda but he is a Retired Monster. However, he still continues to Troll Link.
- Go-Karting with Bowser: He and Ghirahim went to see Mad Max: Fury Road with Link, Zelda, Impa and Nabooru.
- I'm Taking Him Home With Me: Adopted all the little skeleton stalchildren from Hyrule Warriors when he saw them in the pound. He couldn't stand the thought of them wasting away there.
- In-Series Nickname: Commander calls him "G".
- In Touch with His Feminine Side: He really likes to fix his hair and the Commander wants to know how he does it since his daughter would love it.
- Massive Numbered Siblings: He has a large number of sisters, which is why he knows how to do his hair.
- Rapunzel Hair: Why he needs to keep his hair in dreadlocks.
- Real Men Wear Pink: He likes to do his hair thanks to his aforementioned sisters.
- Sharp-Dressed Man: Suit? Check. Tie? Check? Shoes? Check.
- Straight Man: He may not be The Comically Serious but he sets up the joke with a straight face.
- Troll: After all, even a Retired Monster still needs to have fun.