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Commander Badass D37-9E-B52/Rock Lobster
"I can pretty much guarantee the guy with the loudest mouth is th' one with the most issues deep down."A US Navy TiALS (Time Air Land Sea) operative from the future who now operates a temp agency for ludicrously macho guys. Claims to have been synthesized from American soil and steak. Divorced, with two kids (Sammy and June). He's friends with Jonesy, a mentor to Jared, a rival of Canadian Guy, and a much less abrasive and much more patient guy than first impressions would suggest — he believes that the key to true manliness is confidence and commitment to goals.
- Action Dad: "The best kind of father, obviously."
- Ambiguously Brown: Self described as ambiguously brown, no less.
- Amicable Exes: He's on good terms with his ex-wife Maddy. It helps that he's largely outgrown the issues that caused their divorce in the first place. And he's no longer dating anyone in his old squad, but they're all friends.
- Animal Motifs: Coelasquid mentioned in a Tumblr post that his face has become more and more bison-like over time.
- Artificial Human: Claims to have been synthesized from soil and meat. Later confirmed to be artificial.
- Awesome Mc Coolname: Justified, given he was created to be a public figure.
- Berserk Button: He ain't no propane peddler.
- Bishōnen: After contracting Nomura Syndrome by getting scratched by Nier. He got better.
- Bi the Way: He's played both sides of the field and used to date Tank.
- Big Eater: So much so that he deliberately avoided telling the firm about an all you can eat breakfast joint so that they wouldn't go out of business. Also justified with his body type.
- Bruiser with a Soft Center:
- Is he a manly badass? Yes. Is he a caring daddy to his kids? Yes. Is he an understanding boss and father figure to Jared? Three for three. One of his central beliefs is the idea that you don't need to be a cynical brute to be manly, something he tries to impart to the guys he handles at the agency.
- His superiors actually hate his soft center since they wanted him to be a cynical antihero.
- He's very proud of his ability to make fruit preserves. It's the reason Angel picked him for her annual survival derby.
- Carpet of Virility: Next to his speech pattern, his hairy chest is his most noticeable feature.
- Commanding Coolness: Almost the Trope Namer for Colonel Badass, but he's not the right rank.
- Cool Shades: Well, Cool Night-Vision Goggles, anyway. Worn constantly, even at weddings.
- Doting Parent: Commander Badass adores his two kids. It's most apparent in his interactions with June, who is old enough to insist he watch Jem with her, help her bake the world's most ludicrous muffins and get her a millipede as a pet. He has also taken a caring, if occasionally somewhat stern, interest in Jared, essentially becoming Jared's father figure.
- Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": His real name is a serial number, so everyone just calls him Commander.
- Four-Fingered Hands: Only in this old concept art◊. In the actual comic, he has five-fingered hands.
- Funetik Aksent: Tends ta speak kinda informally, yanno? Coelasquid suggests that his voice sounds a bit like John DiMaggio as Bender or Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice. Later comics describe his voice as "gargling tar" and the Commander mentions that sometimes he'll tell fast food attendants at drive-throughs that he's Beetlejuice and Tom Waits on a road trip.
- Going Commando: At least when he wears the kilt.
- Heroes Want Redheads: Both his ex-wife and current Love Interest Jonesy have red hair.
- Hero-Worshipper: Of Marlon Brando, in a very literal sense. Evidently the Bran-Dao is a popular religion among macho spacefuture types.
- Huge Guy, Tiny Girl: Is this by default with pretty much any woman, but especially with his rail-thin spacefuture ex-girlfriend...until she became a cyborg, that is.
- Lantern Jaw of Justice: Manly and square.
- Man in a Kilt: Occasionally. He insists it's the manliest way to be pantsless.
- Mr. Fixit: Except totally not.
- My Future Self and Me: The Commander does this — and kicks his own ass — in order to impress Jonesy.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: Stated to be physically based on Brock Lesnar.
- No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: Raises his children to be responsible, has to share his house with a big millipede.
- Not So Above It All:
- While he works to help overly macho men not be socially disruptive, it was his own over-the-top machismo that broke his marriage apart. To his credit, he took the experience to heart and learned to be a better person.
- He did not take Jared's attempts to be the top Pokemon GO player in the office well.Commander: THIS IS MY HOUSE!
- Not So Different: As much as he complains about Canadian Guy, it's pretty obvious they're cut from the same cloth. Emphasized in one comic where The Commander points out that despite having three siblings and two children, it's still Canadian Guy that he's most Drift-compatible with. There's a good reason for that. See Canadian Guy's entry for more.
- This comic suggests that one reason Commander won't try to change Jared too much is because of this trope. Jonesy literally described him as 'Angel's fuzzy 300 pound Jared'.
- Only Sane Employee: The ringmaster of a group of overly-macho guys with debatable sanity issues, and bad tempers. Ironically his own superiors wanted him to be more like those overly-macho guys in the first place.
- Origin Story: Reveals his actual story in bits and pieces, but mainly after being Bishified. He's a being of popular perception bred to fulfill the Commander Badass persona, because in the future, wars are fought for public opinion.
- Parental Substitute: Despite employing Jared as an intern, The Commander clearly watches over and talks to Jared as this (not to mention tolerating the silliness he gets up to in the building). He even gives him a few gifts. Made quite obvious in this strip.
- Perma-Stubble: This is him after "a couple days of not shaving". Not even. It's what happens if he forgets his "mid-day chops wranglin'."
- Pet the Dog:
- When he takes Jared under his wing, some people expected him to put Jared through Training from Hell, but the Commander states that he doesn't try to toughen up Jared since he thinks that his head is probably one of the most "bizarre an' interesting places anyone could live" and would rather not take that away from him.
- He also opted not to go back in time to stop the Nomura Outbreak because of how happy Jared was once Mr. Fish learned Hyper Beam.
- Real Men Cook: Has perfected his charcoal and woodchip barbecue, had a lobster-bake in his back yard, baked the world's most insane muffins with June, and was selected for Angel's survival derby team for his ability to make fruit preserves.Jonesy: I thought you were picked because you were strong and survivor-y.
Commander: We're super-soldiers! We're all strong and survivor-y! What I've got is STRAWBERRY JAM!
- Real Men Wear Pink:
- Reasonable Authority Figure: All and all, the Commander is actually rather calm and together, willing to accept the differences of others in stark contrast to the overt "manly man" stereotype he physically resembles. His superiors in the future don't approve of this.
- Red Is Heroic: His jacket and glasses are largely red.
- Screw the Rules, I'm Doing What's Right!: Was knocked back a pay grade because of one too many Saving Private Ryan moments and damaging very expensive government property (himself) in the process.
- Serious Business: Idolizes Marlon Brando, and threatens Jared with bodily harm for comparing him unfavorably to Chuck Norris.
- Super Soldier: Designed to be such in the far-future.
- Testosterone Poisoning: Averted. The Commander shares most of the qualities his clients do, but has maturity as well as manliness. In most strips he's either providing a role model for true manliness (at least from the artist's point of view), or is the long-suffering Only Sane Man. Helping people who do have Testosterone Poisoning is the whole point of his agency.
- Triangle Shades: His goggles become Kamina-style shades after he's infected with Nomura Syndrome. They come in handy.
- Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: His daughter keeps a large millipede as a pet, and he struggles to be okay with that in spite of a deep-seated dislike of millipedes caused by "two tours of duty on the Millipede Planet during millipede season."
Sarah "Jonesy" Jones
"...this whole building is buzzing with testosterone."A friendly woman whom the Commander introduces to the bizarre world of overly masculine but underemployed men.
- Action Girl: Can climb vertical cliff faces and is a good shot with a crossbow.
- Audience Surrogate: Between Jared being a Cloud Cuckoo Lander, Commander Badass being stoically confidant, and everyone else being insanely macho characters from nerd culture, Jonesy is the most relatable and "normal" character in the cast, even if she has her own quirks.
- Brick Joke: Jonesy has apparently field-dressed chimeras before this strip
- Brilliant, but Lazy: Jonesy has taken up and then dropped so many hobbies that there is very little she cannot do, from rock climbing to prepping a freshly killed chimera to eat. That doesn't stop her from buying t-shirts en bulk and then giving them to charity after one use because she doesn't want to do the laundry.
- Chekhov's Hobby: Several.Commander Badass: Can I just say it's pretty great havin' a human Swiss Army Knife 'f abandoned hobbies around? I ain't even sayin' that sarcastically.
- Chekhov's Skill: Jonesy's butchering skills from work come in handy when she joins the Commander and Angel for a survival derby. Having someone who can competently turn a dead animal into food is a huge asset.
- Commitment Issues: Has a severe allergy to commitment. This is actually part of the reason Commander likes her, he has the opposite problem and is to quick to form relationships so her dislike of commitment balances it out.
- Klingon Promotion: Coelasquid jokes that, as an assistant butcher, the only way for Jonesy to advance to the position of head butcher is to kill him and wear his skin.
- Last-Name Basis: Almost never gets called by her first name.
- Limited Wardrobe: Due to hating doing laundry.
- Men Can't Keep House: Inverted. Commander Badass is the one who knows how to cook, clean, and maintain a household, due to having two young children. Jonesy, on the other hand, is so bad at housework that she just buys new clothes instead of doing laundry. It says a lot that even Jared's place is kept nicer, despite being a literal cave.
- The Pig Pen: Her roommate constantly berates her for not doing dishes or laundry, which she always finds a reason to avoid.
Professor Jared Kowalski
"Now I understand why my mother told me to never eat $500 of Gummi Worms."A disgraced Pokémon trainer, kicked out of the League for allowing his Gyarados, Mr. Fish, to eat his opponents. The Commander gave him a paid internship at the temp agency (even though he meets none of the manliness requirements) because Jared makes Pokemon battles sound like something the Commander would actually enjoy watching. Is completely failing at saving up enough money to get home.
- A Boy and His X: A boy and his Gyarados.
- Abusive Parents: His parents kicked him out because he disappointed them by not dropping out of society and getting involved in animal fighting.
- When he called them to tell about his accomplishments with Mr. Fish, he was chastised for not raising a better pokemon.
- Action Survivor: After years of working with the Manly Guys, he gets a job moonlighting as a security guard at Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria. When the animatronics try to murder him, he goes after them with a baseball bat.Jared: Anyway, they said that was destruction of company property and fired me.
Commander: Eh, sounds like they don't got much respect for self-motivated employees. Not much room t' grow in those places.
- Adorkable: It fills the room with bubbles!
- Badass on Paper: For all his actions, as a Pokemon trainer he still has to traverse untamed lands, fight massive beasts and then tame them to fight other massive beasts.
- Berserk Button: *kicks over table* "COMMANDER IS MY SURROGATE FATHER FIGURE! YOU STEP OFF!"
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Despite his weirdness, the Commander acknowledges that Jared has turned out to be a surprisingly competent assistant.
- Cloud Cuckoo Lander: Case in point.◊
- Cool Big Bro: If letting the Commander's kids ride Mr. Fish is any indication.
- Dumbass Has a Point: Though he is really more of a Cloud Cuckoo Lander than outright dumb, he tends to ask rather insightful questions.
- Fanboy: He nearly has a heart attack upon finding out he'll be meeting Andy Serkis. That's not Andy Serkis.Commander: Oh, shit, I just got why he was so excited. SARCHUS, kid! AndrewSARCHUS!
Turok: That happens more often than you might think.
- Idiot Savant:
"If there's one thing Jared is competent at, it's loving Mr. Fish."
- Coelasquid has confirmed that Jared is this when it comes to Pokémon Training. While not the brightest bulb in the box, he takes excellent care of Mr. Fish, grooming him regularly and teaching him new tricks. He also manages to bring Mr. Fish up to somewhere between level 47-55, since he now knows Hyper Beam.
- When properly motivated, he manages to catch a large number of Magnemite and Magneton by himself, offscreen. Without any Poké Balls. It's very impressive.
- For the longest time, he didn't even know what the pokeballs were for; when Mr. Fish was a Magikarp, Jared carried him around on his back. And STILL leveled him up.
- He was given a bunch of honorary Pokemon degrees by Lysandre for his exceptional care of Mr. Fish, and is now a Pokemon Professor. Technically.
- During the temporary alternate timeline when Commander went to the future to deal with some legal B.S., Jared became the religious leader of most of the manly men. His opposition? Fucking Kratos.
- Irony: Despite actually being from the Pokémon world, having grown up surrounded by them and having passed on the chance to become an actual Pokemon Trainer, he's enchanted by Pokémon Go.Jared: [riding on his gyarados] It's like they're really there!
- Kid with the Leash: Though Mr. Fish doesn't seem very leash trained...
- Nice Hat: Never spotted without his black beanie cap.
- New Ability Addiction: In one strip, Commander Badass entrusts Jared with access to the power-washer. He uses it properly for the first few chores (wash the company car, clean the windows, etc,) but then he keeps using it for things like weeding the lawn (tears up the ground), stocking the fridge (wet food everywhere) and collecting the mail, resulting in the Commander promptly taking it away again.Jared: [as washer is pried from his hands] I REGRET NOTHINGGG!!!
- No Sense of Personal Space: "It's like your face is made of fine porcelain that was made of fine kitten pelts."
- Only Sane Man: Surprisingly, he is this compared to all the other pokemon characters. Being the only one to understand basic pet care and why not dropping out of school at age 10 is a good idea.
- Parental Neglect: Enforced as a darker interpretation, as his parents forced him out of school and his home to become a trainer.
- Perma-Stubble: He freaks out after losing it to the Bishōnen virus. Mainly because what little he has is all he's grown since puberty.
- Perpetual Poverty: After thinking about his recent expenditures (see the above quote for an example), he realizes that he might just be bad at saving money.
- Puppy-Dog Eyes: They work on the Commander, too.
"Ye shar do complain a lot fahr someone pilotin' a giant robot thar b'ahy!"The true face of Canadianism — evidently all that niceness was just a ruse. Enjoys wrestling moose, drinking heavily, riding snowmobiles, and, possibly, killing dragons.
- Body Horror: Everyone at the agency funneled their blood into Canadian Guy, who then went back home to the doctor to cure the Nomura Syndrome everyone (but him) came down with. Just LOOK AT HIM.
- Boisterous Bruiser: Like many of the other guys at the Commander's agency.
- Canada, Eh?: Did the name not make it obvious?
- Cloud Cuckoolander: The man is basically the physical embodiment of the Noodle Incident- any explanation for his odd activities will be guaranteed to not make sense to anyone but him.
- Dumbass Has a Point: When Commander makes known his displeasure that of all possible choices, he's most drift-compatible with Canadian Guy, he responds with the above quote. (Which is not to say Canadian Guy is dumb, per se, we just don't ever see him acting especially brainy.)
- Establishing Character Moment: Loudly greeting Commander with a slap on the shoulder, subsequently infuriating him, and then fighting several moose bare-handed in a wintry forest that has suddenly appeared in the Agency's hallway, all within four panels of introduction.
- Expy: Is a dead ringer for the author's father.
- Funetik Aksent: "All 'n a dae's wark, b'ahy!"
- The Immune: Canadian healthcare is apparently one of his powers.
- Not So Different:
- Not only is his appearance nearly identical to that of the Commander, but the Commander accuses him of "lazy Canadianspeak" (when the Commander is known for dropping vowels like they're hot).
- It says something when The Commander and Canadian Guy are shown to be the most drift-compatible matches for each other.
- Apparently he was created using a bootleg copy of Commander's DNA with regional modifications.
- Palette Swap: Of the Commander.
- Painting the Medium: His speech text seems to be a hand-drawn type of text, likely to reflect his overall nature. This is shared with all Canadians found in the comic so far.
- Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: To the Commander.
- Shoddy Knockoff Product: A Canadian clone Of the Commander.
- The Sleepless: Instead, he sits in a rowboat in the middle of a lake with a lantern and a buttonbox concertina and an empty stare. Somehow, this causes a massive pile of beaver pelts to appear in Commander Badass' office.
"DADDY!"The Commander's oldest child. Eight years old. Sweet-natured, but headstrong and with a love of animals.
- Fiery Redhead: Has inherited her mother's looks, including strawberry blonde hair, and definitely knows what she wants.
- Friend to All Living Things: Has a pet millipede (to her father's chagrin), is excited to ride Mr. Fish, and attempts to save a lobster from a family cookout.
- Friend to Bugs: She has a millipede as a pet.
- Strong Family Resemblance: Very heavily takes after her mother, though her hair is strawberry blonde rather than bright red.
"..."The Commander's youngest child. A quiet and sweet kid.
- The Quiet One: Has to date only said a single word in all his appearances, in all likelihood he's just a naturally shy kid.
- Security Blanket: Carries a cuddly shark around at all times, and often hides behind it.
- Strong Family Resemblance: It's a bit early to tell, but he seems to be the spitting image of his father. Also, this. Riding into battle on a great beast, wielding a shark. Sounds like something the Commander would do, and now has done.
One of the Commander's siblings. Cool, suave, collected... and the target of his siblings' practical jokes.
- British Accents: Has one, probably as a part of the James Bond package. This confuses Jonesy to no end.
- Butt-Monkey: Not really, but his siblings take a vicious pleasure in pranking him whenever he gets too full of himself.
- Offscreen Moment of Awesome: Built a massive fancy hotel during the jungle retreat, and then put all of Jet's raptors in little suits within moments.
- The Social Expert: Shown in flashbacks to do most of the talking.
- Tuxedo and Martini: Subscribes to the James Bond style of awesomeness.
The Commander's CO and sister-in-law.
- Boobs of Steel: Despite her otherwise androgynous appearance, she has the largest bust of all the female spacefuture soldiers, and seems to be the most capable.
- The Captain: Angel is the Commanding Officer of a spaceship, Commander Badass senior officer, and a generally affable and reasonable leader who sticks up for her subordinates/family in their struggles with senior command.
- Happily Married: To Jet.
- Lady Looks Like a Dude: The fact that Angel usually dresses in fatigues, wears her hair high-and-tight and is the third-most muscular of the super-soldiers (behind Commander and Tank, both of whom are nearly as wide as they are tall) caused quite a bit of Viewer Gender Confusion in the comments, until she was confirmed by Coelasquid to simply be a very masculine-looking woman.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: Word of God says she's Lee Van Cleef as a female bodybuilder.
Another one of the spacefuture super soldiers. The Commander's brother.
- The Beast Master: Jet breeds velociraptors for combat duty. With varying degrees of success.
- Electronic Eyes: One of Jet's eyes is clearly a prosthesis. It doesn't seem to bother him much. It's eventually revealed the military put it in Jet to be used to aid the army by taking photos of strategic targets/locations. He mostly uses it to take photos of his raptors.
- Genius Ditz: The guy is apparently an expert at animal training, and he can make armor for his squad of velociraptors. That said, he seems to overlook basics, like maybe avoiding a visit to Commander Badass when fireworks that would scare his raptors are going off. Lampshaded by Commander and Jonesy, when they openly wonder if he's actually good at training them.
- Happily Married: To Angel.
The Raptor Squad
The Raptor Squad
Jet's pet velociraptors
- Affectionate Parody: Of Owen Grady's velociraptors in the Jurassic World movie. Jet is even seen riding a tiny motorcycle in the jungle with his raptors running alongside him! He later teaches them to ride their own tiny motorcycles.
- Minion with an F in Evil: Okay, they are not supposed to be evil, but Jet still bred them with the intent to use them for combat duty. In the end, they are so harmless that they can safely be picked up and scolded, hugged by small children because they are afraid of fireworks, or will acknowledge a turkey as their new Alpha.Commander: Jet, I gotta ask, are you actually good at animal training? Because I know it's your thing, but I honestly can't tell.
- Raptor Attack: Completely and utterly averted : the Squad is probably the cutest (and most scientifically accurate) depiction of velociraptors in fiction, and they are miles away from the fierce monsters Jurassic Park made them out to be.
- Ridiculously Cute Critter: So, so much.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Apparently, they are fond of popcorn.
The Commander's ex-girlfriend. A former scout who got most of her flesh replaced with cybernetics.
- Amicable Exes: With the Commander. They still meet up for drinks every now and then and speak well of each other. Apparently, Spider didn't even object when the Commander took up with her brother.
- Cyborg: "Went full Robocop", according to Angel.
- Huge Guy, Tiny Girl: Before she became a cyborg she had this with both Commander and Tank. Word of God is that she was designed to function as a scout for Tank so had to be able to easily slip into secure areas in order to figure out how to get Tank inside.
Spider's brother. The Commander's ex-boyfriend. Originally an experiment in how much of a homicidal berserker a super-soldier can be before he does more damage to his own than the enemy, the team jailbroke his lymbic system, so now he controls his own chemical balance.
- Berserk Button: He literally has one, but he's the only one who can push it now.
- Captain Ersatz: The author commented that it's a happy accident that he looks and reads like an almost point-for-point parody of the Captain America villain Nuke, right down to the aggro-juice wires apparently being the red ones.
- Cybernetics Eat Your Soul: He's perfectly happy not being a robot with a handful of flesh strapped to it like other cyborgs, and gets made fun of by them for it. At the same time, because of the modifications to his biochemistry, trying to use his modded system to get "an edge" never goes well for him.
- Foil: To the Commander. Both are blond, muscular and masculine, but where the Commander's masculinity is confident and positive, Tank's is insecure and toxic when he presses his own Berserk Button.
- Does This Remind You of Anything?: His rampage following a bit of tinkering with his brain chemistry is, in hindsight, discussed a bit like a formerly-clean alcoholic or substance abuser slipping off the wagon.
- Heel Realization: When the Commander left him after one violent beating too many, it was the catalyst for Tank to get himself in order so that he'd never be as rotten to anyone ever again as he'd been to the Commander.
- Hidden Depths: When he doesn't have his circuits crossed, Tanks is shown to be a calm, perceptive, and even reflective individual, trying things like baking and raising saltwater fish.
- Real Men Wear Pink: He learned to bake specifically because it makes him appear softer, he can't eat it himself, but recruits like him more when he brings fresh banana bread.
- Testosterone Poisoning: Literally. Tank was engineered and built into an experiment to see how aggressive and dysfunctional you could make a Super Soldier before he becomes more of a threat than an asset, until the rest of the team jailbroke his control array.
- Straw Misogynist: When his circuits get crossed. The Commander points out that when his brain chemistry levels out, the girls in the squad are going to knit him a scarf in his favorite color and he's gonna feel terrible about it.
- Super Drowning Skills: He swims like a minivan. The Commander exploits this by going out into the water when he's on a tear.
Prominent Characters from Other Works
A Gyarados. Not very bright, but very large. Follows Jared's every whim.
- Big Eater: Literal example - his diet is hugely varied, he's frequently seen eating in various scenes, and the result of the two is that he's much larger than an average Gyarados. He even attempts to eat a canonically sized Gyarados in one comic.
- Breath Weapon: Knows Hyper Beam.
- Charles Atlas Superpower: He's big even for a Gyarados, all thanks to his...inclusive...diet and Jared's crazy training regime.
- Extreme Omnivore: As dictated by Jared. And compared to the diets of most Gen VI Pokemon.
- Fluffy the Terrible: Hell, he's the page image.
- Formally Named Pet: That's Mr. Fish.
- Gameplay and Story Segregation: a more literal example. Coleasquid based Mr. Fish on the size of the anime-Gyarados, i.e. roughly the size of a T-Rex. Lysandre's Gyarados, on the other hand, is the size given in the Pokédex, i.e. slightly larger than an adult anaconda. The difference is rather stark.
- Grotesque Cute: Taken to extremes in this guest strip.
- I Am A Humanitarian: Besides the fact that he ate his opponents' Pokémon and got Jared kicked out of the Pokémon League, he's seen fighting another, more normal-sized Gyarados by seemingly trying to eat it. Also, on the long list of things Jared feeds him, one of those is vagrants.
- Limited Move Arsenal: Comes with being a Pokemon. Eventually we see his moves— Roll Over, Shake, Don't Eat Jared, Fetch. he forgets Shake to learn Hyper Beam.
- Magikarp Power: The most literal example possible, and also this trope's page image. He started as a Magikarp, whom Jared used as a club to beat opposing Pokemon to a pulp with, and eventually evolved into a monster so terrifying it makes Chuck Norris nervous.
- Our Giants Are Bigger: As a result of Jared feeding him... pretty much everything (and maybe an actual kitchen sink), Mr. Fish is anime-Gyarados-sized, allowing him to pick up Lysandre’s Gyarados with ease, as it is "merely" in-game-sized (21 feet and 520 pounds).
- Perpetual Frowner: According to the author, it was her attempt at drawing a Gyarados with a closed mouth.
- Sea Monster: He is a Gyarados.
- Shamu Fu: When he was a Magikarp.
- Super Mode: It hasn't been used, but Jared now has an entire dumpster full of Gyaradosite. Which, of course, Mr. Fish ate, so Jared doesn't even need to carry it around.
- Wave Motion Gun: During the Nomura Syndrome arc, he learned Hyper Beam.
- When All You Have Is a Hammer...: He doesn't know any actual Pokémon moves, but his ridiculous size means he really doesn't need to. During the Nomura Syndrome arc, he chews up and spits out some enemies before smashing them into the ground with his head. And he learns Hyper Beam soon after.
A stoic qunari warrior often teased for his love of cookies. Might be a big fan of Heavy Metal.
- Boring, but Practical: Asala is actually a balanced sword, unlike the BFSes used by other guys.
- Flanderization / Never Live It Down:
- Discussed. He's getting really tired of everyone thinking he's all about the baked goods.
- Of course, this doesn't stop him from being obsessed with Cookie Clicker.
- The Comically Serious: Most of his appearances are him playing The Straight Man.
- Perpetual Frowner: Wouldn't be Sten without a permanent frown. Along with...
- Spock Speak: ...his clinical speech pattern. And...
- The Stoic: ...his wooden emotional state.
A sullen, violent Spartan who isn't adjusting well to civilian life. Has no trouble getting dates, though.
- Ax-Crazy: Less so than his video game incarnation and played for laughs.
- Berserk Button: Has a list of things that aren't these. Roombas, Bubble Tea, Frozen Yogurt and Corn Flakes have recently been struck from the list.
- Butt-Monkey: Often the butt of Testosterone Poisoning jokes.
- Chick Magnet: "Kratos gets girls."
- Faux Yay: Once played Gay Chicken with 300's Leonidas. As neither would surrender, they were in a profoundly unhappy relationship for weeks. Kratos eventually won. And made himself sad.
- Genius Bruiser: He has quite the head for puzzles, considering that he spends most of his games solving them. When it comes to block puzzles however, he needs them to be 20 stories tall.
- Hair-Trigger Temper: Just like in his home series, Kratos loses his temper over the most minor issues, like bubble tea. The author admitted once that part of the punchline was an instance where he didn't lose his temper.
- Large Ham: Oh yeah.Kratos: I'M ALL OUT OF DRINK BUT THERE'S STILL A MILLION JELLY BEANS LEFT! HRAAAAAGHHHH!
- Not So Above It All: Think he's just a rage-addled murder machine with a penchant for puzzles? Well, sure, he's that too, but he's not above joining in Duke's shenanigans even if he doesn't understand what they are.
- Perpetual Frowner: Lampshaded that it's because he's constantly in an emotional state.
- Real Men Wear Pink: Adores pomegranate-scented tea lights. Hates blueberry candles though.
- The Straight Man: On occasion, mostly when the Commander isn't around.
A loudmouthed action hero with hidden insecurities and, apparently, a life-size Alien maquette in his living room.
- Broken Ace: Something happened to Duke off-screen (i.e. before his first appearance in the comic), and as a consequence, Commander Badass had to talk Duke down from a ledge.Commander: It's going to be okay, Duke! Just come down, you have people who care about you.
Duke: (hysterical) DON'T TALK ABOUT ME LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!
- Casanova Wannabe: Duke's attitude towards women is his usual combination of flirtation and sexism, and Reality Ensues.
- Closet Geek: Turns out all those Army of Darkness and They Live quotes weren't a coincidence.
- Double Standard: Points out that people get into fits when he slaps a girl, but when he slaps a guy, nobody seems to care. Commander Badass points out that the girl is in a bikini, while the guy (Marcus Fenix) isn't. When they put Fenix in a bikini, Duke changes his tune.Duke: Okay, yeah, I can see people complaining about this.
Fenix: I'm complaining about this.
Commander: As long as they're complaining the same amount, you're gold.
- Jerkass: Kind of a dick.
- Jerkass with a Heart of Gold: However, he's willing to rescue mothers from Martians for "the principle of the thing."
- Sunglasses at Night: Apparently they're prescription and the whole reason why he keeps them on is because he doesn't want to be seen in normal ones. That doesn't stop Commander freaking out that he's driving out at night.
A big, burly, black & white lug, who has trouble with women.
- Deliberately Monochrome: As befitting a character from Sin City.
- Heroic Self-Deprecation: Always down on himself.
- New and Improved: He's the only character who welcomes becoming a Bishōnen. The fact that he looks like a more muscular version of a young Marlon Brando, instead of the useless pretty-boys the others turn into helps.
- Nice Guy: Relatively speaking.
- You Are Better Than You Think You Are: Jonesy tries convincing him his issues arise from low self esteem. It doesn't work. Although he does acknowledge that not being physically attractive isn't what prevents him from getting girls when he meets Johnny Bravo.
An intergalactic bounty hunter whose general personality isn't that much different than in the comics, or at least, he was.
The Archnemesis of Link. Not as malevolent as in the games but is not above trolling Link. He wears suits during his offtime from the games.
- Affably Evil: Apparently, he's just a Retired Monster pencil pusher who is doing clerical work after getting tired from being a villain. He still gets stir-crazy and tortures Link though.
- Amazingly Embarrassing Parents: He's always embarassed whenever his moms Koutake and Koume meet his guy friends because they like to fuse into Twinrova to hit on them. They try this on Commander Badass when he helps Ganondorf get back home after a night of heavy drinking.
- Badass in a Nice Suit: Despite sitting behind a desk, he's still got it.
- Compressed Hair: When it is revealed that his hair is actually quite long, Ganondorf states that since he grew up as the only male Gerudo of his village, he learned how to be really good at braiding hair.
- Dreadlock Warrior: Complete with golden Hair Decorations.
- Even Evil Has Standards:
- Even he starts feeling a bit sorry for Link when he sees him putting up with Fi.
- Was highly disgusted when Commander believed he married Zelda after routinely kidnapping her.Ganondorf: ...what? Phft. No. Ew. Of course not.
Commander: Well shoot. Who am I thinking of?
Ganondorf: Hunter Hearst Helmsley.
Commander: Yeah, that's th' one!
- Evil Redhead: Zigzagged. He is a villain in The Legend of Zelda but he is a Retired Monster. However, he still continues to Troll Link.
- Fantastic Racism: Link told him that all Gerudo were the same. Ganon took exception to that.
- The Gadfly: After all, even a Retired Monster still needs to have fun.
- Go-Karting with Bowser: He and Ghirahim went to see Mad Max: Fury Road with Link, Zelda, Impa and Nabooru.
- I'm Taking Him Home With Me!: Adopted all the little skeleton stalchildren from Hyrule Warriors when he saw them in the pound. He couldn't stand the thought of them wasting away there.
- In-Series Nickname: Commander calls him "G".
- In Touch with His Feminine Side: He really likes to fix his hair and the Commander wants to know how he does it since his daughter would love it.
- I Thought Everyone Could Do That: Ganondorf doesn't steal all the keys from the dungeons because he doesn't realize that would stop Link. Doesn't everybody grow up learning how to pick locks?
- Massive Numbered Siblings: He has a large number of sisters, which is why he knows how to do his hair.
- Perspective Flip: He sees Mad Max: Fury Road as an obvious allegory to his own life.Ganondorf: Look, I'm just saying when you look at it from my point of view, I'm basically Furiosa.
- Rapunzel Hair: Why he needs to keep his hair in dreadlocks.
- Real Men Wear Pink: He likes to do his hair thanks to his aforementioned sisters. He also thinks "you fight like a woman" is a great compliment since he grew up in a tribe of all-female warriors.
- Sharp Dressed Man: Suit? Check. Tie? Check? Shoes? Check.
- Start of Darkness: Played for Laughs: the only reason why he planned to conquer Hyrule in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time was simply because Zelda distrusted him... and though the King disagreed, stated some rather arbitrary grounds for execution.
- King of Hyrule: I need at least two corroborating suspicious ten year olds to execute a Gerudo.Ganondorf: Excuse me?!?
- Straight Man: He may not be The Comically Serious but he sets up the joke with a straight face.