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Warp That Aesop / Tabletop Games

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WELCOME, ladies, gentlemen, and tropers, to Darth Wiki's Favorite Game Show...

WARP... THAT... AESOP!!!!!

Table Time! Ready.... GO!

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  • Battleship: The world's navies are essentially flailing around, shooting blind, and too dumb to get out of the way.
  • BattleTech: You remember that old saying about how those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it? Well, good news — turns out that people never learn from history and we won't ever have to face the embarrassment of widespread peace!
  • Call of Cthulhu: Don't talk to anyone, don't read anything don't even think about exploring further down that street, or you will start screaming and never stop!
    • It's okay to see nonwhite people as abominations, odds are that you're right anyways!
    • Truth causes insanity.
    • Learning will only result in death.
  • Cards Against Humanity: Humans are hornybuggers with no sense of decency.
  • Chess: Kings are more important then anybody, despite being to all extents and purposes a rubbish piece. Queens can pretty much do whatever they like move-wise. But being female, the game can't possibly revolve around them. And as for common people, they are Cannon Fodder.
    • White always goes before Black. That's just how it is, don't question it.
      • The only way to improve your social status is start out at the bottom and make your way to the other side, no matter how many you have to kill.
      • The world is all black and white and ladies prefer their colour.
      • Skin colour is a uniform you cannot shed.
      • If you are a nobleman, you can legally trespass any obstacles which would hinder your advance.
      • Never underestimate a religious fanatic at your flank.
      • You are in better safety amongst your peers than behind a rank of commoners.
      • Commoners are valuable only when they are few.
      • Violence is always a solution
      • Understand when it is time to quit.
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  • Cluedo: Nobody knows who the murderer is, not even the murderer themselves.
  • Diplomacy: It is necessary to betray your friends to succeed in life.
  • Dungeons & Dragons: genocide is the easiest path to personal enlightenment, but it's OK because most of those you're killing are born evil and as such you're entirely justified in slaughtering them.
    • The Drow: Black people are evil. Black skin is a curse.
    • Sociopathy is the One True Way to live. Devote a mere season to it, and you will become a God. What's that? You're a good aligned character? Too bad, kill things and take their stuff with the rest of them.
    • There's lots you can learn, if you kill, maim, and burn!
    • You have a 5% chance of failing horribly at anything you do. Therefore, the next time you make a mistake at work, don't take responsibility for it. Just shrug and say, "I rolled a one. You know how it is."
    • Book Of Exalted Deeds: Evil is the only way to go because the philosophy of Good is not even internally consistent. Torture is okay as long as you do it with magic and the only reason you do it is to brainwash people. Stabbing people is okay as long as they happen to be evil, and so is forgiving them, but poisoning them with something more merciful than a dagger blade is AN ACT OF ABSOLUTELY UNFORGIVABLE EVIL! That is only true, though, unless you are using a magical poison that only affects the evil!
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    • Making a Deal with the Devil is not only the fastest path to ultimate power, but is also entirely without consequences since that devil is so determined to corrupt you that he'll neglect to stop your rapid ascent past him in power.
    • A reptile's moral character can be judged by how shiny its scales are.
  • Exalted: anything you want to do is entirely justified by the fact that it's you who wants to do it.
    • Abyssals: Trying to do the right thing will get you dicked over unless you Rules Lawyer the terms of your Deal with the Devil.
    • Infernals: You want to be the greatest thief in the world? I'm really happy for you. GO KILL FUCKING LYTEK ALREADY.
    • Infernals: Making a Deal with the Devil is perfectly reasonable if you intend to screw over the Devil and become a better Devil.
    • Lunars: Lots of love will save the world if you do it with the right per- ...animal! *vomits*
  • FATAL:
    • Women are dumber than men and as such exist solely to provide victims for the nonstop rape (which, incidentally, will have no negative consequences for the perpetrator and only a few minor problems for the victim), and the entire basis of every civilisation ever has been the trade in sex slaves, even in societies where slavery, by and large, didn't actually exist.
    • BZZZ I'm sorry, contestant, this is Warp That Aesop. There is absolutely no indication that FATAL does not embrace this Aesop with all its heart.
    • Rape is funny... no, that's intended. Stay away from magic, because you might attract RANDY GAY OGRES! Nobody who takes up the professions that keep society running leads a life worth living and would be better off dead. Existence is pointless and the universe is utterly amoral, so the best thing to do is to loot and plunder. Everything is determined by random luck, any effort at improving your life could well make it worse, and trying to go against destiny is punishable by RL PK by desert eagle.
    • The best thing that can happen in life is for someone to accidentally kill everyone in the world, including you. This goes double if you're female.
    • It's possible for things to have negative circumference.
  • Magic: The Gathering: Not only Science Is Bad and rational attitude will turn you into a Mad Scientist and then into an Eldritch Abomination, but also no matter how much you try, planeswalkers will always be better than you.
    • Evolutionists and surgeons are EVIL!
  • Monopoly: Essentially taking over entire cities and driving other people to bankruptcy is OK if you get cash out of it!
    • This is a carryover Warp That Aesop from the original game, which was an argument against capitalism.
    • With that Ending Fatigue, it was an argument against board games!
    • No matter how good or bad you might be at gaining riches existence is still an endless repeating loop.
    • You will be sent to prison totally at random.
    • And you can get out of prison, no matter what you've done, if you have the right piece of paper. And if you're running low on money you can sell that piece of paper to somebody else so they'll always be able to get out of prison too.
    • Taxes may or may not be imposed on you each year.
      • Taxes are only imposed on you if you stand in a specific part of London.
    • Operating a lucrative real estate business out of prison allows you to reap all the profits with none of the operating costs. Once your business is established, go to prison as soon as you can and stay there as long as possible.
      • People who can't afford to pay rent are often safer in prison than on the streets.
    • Attempting to enact new rules which will reduce income inequality will just make the world more boring. The world is a better place when the rich can drive their rivals to bankruptcy as quickly as possible.
    • Running around too fast qualifies as "speeding" and may get you arrested, even if said speeding was caused purely by luck and was therefore in no way your fault.
    • Trains, thimbles, hats and other assorted inanimate objects can legally purchase property and charge rent.
    • The cost of building a house depends on the price of the land it is built on, even if you already own that land.
    • Bribery/dumb luck can easily get you out of prison.
    • Every time you stand in a certain part of Atlantic City you get $200 for free.
    • It's a great idea to build a prison right in the middle of a busy road, so people, vehicles, etc. have to go through the prison to get to the other side.
    • Water and electricity companies are laughably useless and are not even worth the land they're built on.
    • You must only buy property so you can charge other people to use it. At no point should you even consider buying a house to live in, you are doomed to wander aimlessly about staying at ridiculously overpriced hotels.
    • The entirety of Atlantic City is a giant one way system.
    • You need to change the setting of the game for different markets despite most people not knowing the original’s landmarks anyway.
    • Income tax is a completely flat value and has nothing to do with your actual income.
  • Paranoia:
  • 7th Sea: Most pirates were noble, free-thinking heroes, some women need to be locked up for the greater safety, and the Spanish Inquisition was protecting us from evil, extra-dimensional monsters.
  • Shadowrun: Criminals are the most moral people in the world and are the only ones who can be counted on to save the world and change history. Everyone else is just a slave to the Mega Corps.
  • Sorry: It's okay to be a total bastard if the rules make you do it. And when you're being a total bastard, you're guaranteed to be forgiven if you apologize, no matter how utterly insincere that apology is
  • Stratego: You're only allowed to kill people if you outrank them.
  • Traveller : It is the destiny of the human race to conquer large portions of the galaxy. Three times. In achieving this humanity will gain tremendous wealth, exploit thousands of planets and submit itself to an intersteller oligarchy. Such goals are laudable and enhance the glory of The Emperor.
  • Warhammer 40,000:
    • If someone is different than you, you should PURGE THEM WITH THE HOLY PROMETHIUM IN THE NAME OF THE GOD EMPEROR!
    • If you work hard enough, fought for your life, and make many sacrifices to ensure the survival of your planet, you will be considered a heretic/traitor/a danger...etc by the inquisition or the higher ups. Your reward, you get executed for all your contributions for the Imperium. Congratulations.
  • The World of Darkness: Being Good Sucks and won't Earn Your Happy Ending; however Evil doesn't Feel Good and results in Pyrrhic Villainy when a player tries it, so you can't really make anything worse. So instead of fighting The Power/The Man/Elders/Exarchs/Uratha while agonizing over the tough moral choices, why not have wangst free fun while Rome (always, always) burns?
  • Yu-Gi-Oh!: Power Creep is THE BEST THING EVER!
    • Also, the company that makes the game can make inconsistent and arbitrary rulings For the Lulz.


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