Warp That Aesop / Music Videos

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Music Video Round! Ready.... GO!

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• Aerosmith: "Crazy" look hot enough and you can do anything you want without getting into trouble.
• Aha's "Take on Me": It's okay to dine and ditch at a restaurant if you get really distracted by a comic that you're drawing.
• All Time Low's "I Feel Like Dancin'": It's okay to indulge in lazy music video cliches as long as you point them out.
• Angelspit:
  • "Toxic Girl". If you buy a sex doll, using it will lead you to die messily at your own hands.
  • "Vena Cava". Why not run a club for the obscenely rich involving cannibalism and murder? After all, it's their own fault for being stupid enough to join without questioning what will happen to them afterwards, or whether it could be hazardous to join a club that routinely vivisects ex-members alive and plays poker for body parts.
• Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend": Hey girls, if you physically assault, drench and otherwise humiliate your crush's girlfriend, who's never done anything to you, he'll be sure to dump her on the spot and date you instead.
  • Public bathroom stalls really are the best places to have sex!
  • You can construct a narrative that promotes selfish behaviour as long as you claim it's satire.
• Barenaked Ladies' "The Old Apartment": You can destroy anything you want, up to and including the property of the people who bought your old apartment, in the name of nostalgia.
• Beyoncé's "If I Were A Boy": Remember, all men are incapable of understanding the emotional pain of heartbreak like women! Alternatively, it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. If you work as a police officer, your partner will covertly check you out and try to make a move on you, without fail.
• Crossfade's "Cold": The easiest way to get rid of your girlfriend is to play music with your band in the living room and yell at her when she walks in the door, stuff your guitar under her pillow and write long notes in lipstick on the bathroom mirror. She ain't comin' back.
• The Dead Weather's "Treat Me Like Your Mother": Semi-automatic gunfights are the solution to all relationship troubles!
• Die Antwoord:
  • "Baby's on Fire": Having sex with every girl in town is acceptable. But if your sister tries to hook up with anyone, resort to physical violence.
    • If you see your son wielding actual weapons, just ignore it.
  • "Cookie Thumper": Your moral guardians won't do anything if you frequently visit a creepy ex-prisoner.
  • "Pitbull Terrier": If your friend got hit by a vehicle, spit bubblegum in their mouth.
  • "Rich Bitch": You have an abusive family? Kill them in their sleep!
• Disturbed:
  • "The Vengeful One": Fed up with the media shoving news of mass shootings in your face all the time? Grab some guns, head over to your local TV news station, and start one of your own. That'll teach them!
• Drake:
  • "Find Your Love": Not listening to your friends or close advisors in regards to relationships will eventually result in you tied to a chair while the woman you love shoots you in front of her gangster boyfriend.
  • "Started From The Bottom": Night managers at pharmacies make enough money to afford a private jet and golfcarts.
  • "What's My Name? (Rihanna)": Convenience stores are the best place to meet girls.
• Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry": The only logical thing to do after you've seen your boyfriend take part in a drug deal is to ditch him and move to the city in order to become a singer.
• FakeType, "Mister Jewel Box": Never create anything, or your creation will kill you!
  • Alternatively, your fans are shallow dumbasses who don't know that there's a living person under the guise of a character.
• Hannah Montana:
  • "Ordinary Girl": Life is dull, gray and boring - unless you're a celebrity, where it's all bright colours and parties all the time.
  • "Party In The USA": In order to mask the fact that your trip to Los Angeles to become famous was a complete and total bust, just turn on some crappy pop music. It will make you feel better...until you come back to reality, anyway.
• Hinder's "Lips of an Angel": Cheating is totally fine if you love the girl you cheated on more than the other one. And they're both probably fine with it anyway.
• Iggy Azalea's "Work": Seducing and stealing from random men in roadside diners is totally fine if it means you'll accomplish your dreams of being a star.
• Jim Noir's "Key of C": Hey kids! There's nothing wrong with drinking poison. It will turn you into a British gentleman with a suit, umbrella, and bowler hat, and you will have lots of fun hallucinations!
• Justice's "Stress": All French electronic music fans are gang members that will terrorize your city.
• Justin Timberlake:
  • "Cry Me A River": Stalking is okay when it's your ex-girlfriend. And The Music Video Show destroys this video here.
  • "What Goes Around": When your girlfriend flees in terror after you threaten to assault her, then panics when you chase after her in a car and gets into an accident that kills her, you don't have to shoulder any of the blame. It's all her fault for not listening to your advice, anyway. The Music Video Show has a field day with this.
• Justin Bieber's "Baby": The best way to get a girl to fall in love with you is to bug her while she's trying to bowl with her friends and shoot some pool. And break dancing on oiled bowling lanes isn't unsafe or interruptive at all.
• Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone": It is perfectly acceptable for you to break into the house of your ex and his new girlfriend, months to years after the breakup, trash the house, break furniture, destroy hundreds of dollars worth of clothes, and steal a cool hat, to show how over said ex you are.
  • Same goes for Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats," with the added benefit of that it's okay to destroy his property because he's probably cheating.
• Korn:
  • "Freak on a Leash": Accidentally shooting a gun will just lead to a long series of near-misses, not actually hurting anyone. And Korn's lead singer can deflect bullets with his voice. The Music Video Show looks at the video here.
  "All you have to do is beatbox and the bullets will be under your control."
  • "Right Now": Self mutilation is hilarious and never fatal.
• Lady Gaga:
  • "Bad Romance": If your mattress is not fireproof, don't worry: it will come in handy.
  • "Telephone": It's okay to poison an entire diner of people if it means killing one jerky ex-boyfriend.
• Marilyn Manson
  • No Reflection: If your family is possessed, don't get an exorcist or anything, just kill everyone on the spot. The authorities will handle your explanation well.
• Matthew Good Band's "Strange Days": Your life isn't worth a damn unless you save someone else's life and die in the process. Especially if you're homeless.
• Miley Cyrus: "We Can't Stop": Eating money is delicious! And it's the best way to wave your wealth in the viewers' faces!
  • "Wrecking Ball" and "Adore You": Make a beautiful song and then an unnecessarily uncomfortable sexual video along with it!
  • Licking hammers is cool! As well as riding naked on wrecking balls!
• Michael Jackson's "Beat It": All rival gang wars can be solved with a dance-off.
  • Ghosts: Kids, if your strange adult friend meets up you and your other friends in a creepy mansion for fun, don't tell anybody because parents and authorities are mean, prejudiced people who will persecute anyone who's different. If you're a parent or authority figure, don't automatically assume the strange guy who makes kids keep secrets is bad. And, if you are said strange loner and get questioned, it's okay to trap everyone who comes to confront you and torment them with nightmarish visions, manipulate their emotions, and even torture them if it convinces them not to run you out on a rail. (Note: The full-length version of this short is still not available in Region 1 on any video format, not even on the ostensibly-complete Michael Jackson's Vision box set, probably because you don't have to work that hard to warp these aesops.)
  • "Billie Jean": Anyone who follows you around with a camera with intent of catching you in the act of adultery is a jerk and deserves to be punished. Even if you're actually committing the adultery.
  • "Moonwalker": Drug dealers have no other purpose in life than terrorizing cute street children, and they can only be stopped by an androgynous, biracial Transformer who occasionally dresses in 1930s clothes.
  • "Black Or White": It's perfectly acceptable to end a video with a phantasmagoric nightmare sequence involving racism, human/animal shapeshifting, and oddly kinky Clothing Damage just as long as you top it off with a Bart Simpson wisecrack to leave 'em laughing.
    • Fathers who tell their sons to turn their music down deserve to be blasted all the way to Africa by loud music.
  • "Earth Song": We may as well just give it up. The Earth is totally and irrevocably fucked. And it's all our fault.
    • Alternatively, the reason the world is so screwed up is because we're not sad enough about war, murder, and environmental disaster. If we were sad enough, everything would magically be made all better.
• Newsong's "The Christmas Shoes" (both the song and The Film of the Song):
  • Disillusioned by the crass commercialism of the holiday season? Fear not! God will personally boost your flagging spirit by striking some random woman with a fatal illness just so you can help her son buy one last present before she croaks and feel good about yourself! Yay consumerism!
  • It's better to give a frivolous gift to a poor boy with a terminally ill mother than to give him something he might actually need (food, money for medical bills/funeral costs, emotional support, etc.).
  • If you have a dying relative, you should go shopping and buy them a frivolous gift instead of spending time with them.
• Nickelback:
  • "Rockstar": Being a rockstar is awesome. All you'll have to do to accomplish that goal is give up any semblance of identity and become an arrogant jackass. It's so easy that anyone can do it!
  • "Never Gonna Be Alone": Being dead doesn't mean you have to miss your daughter's graduation and wedding.
  • "Savin' Me": You Can't Fight Fate unless you're Blessed with Suck and want to make a fool of yourself around other pedestrians.
  • "This Afternoon": All the best parties involve kidnapping, theft, carjacking and reckless endangerment.
• Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda": It's okay to preach feminism through self-degredation, shaking your ass in the viewers' face, singing about offering sex to men who sell drugs, as long as the video subtly ends with yourself shoving away a man's hand from your posterior. It will make up everything you just said and did.
• Pat Benatar's "Love is A Battlefield" Thirty-year-olds who move out of their parents' house wind up as hookers who can scare guys by shaking their boobs at them.
• The Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up": Going out, getting piss-drunk, being thrown out of a bar, puking on the sidewalk, picking up a woman and having a quickie with her, then contemplating how you screwed up your life is just par for the course. Unless you're a woman.
• Sarah McLachlan:
  • "Stupid": Adultery is a genetic disorder. It can and will repeat itself over the course of several generations of the same bloodline. Alternatively, you should always cheat on your husband, even if he's a perfectly wonderful husband and father, with a much younger man.
  • "Sweet Surrender": When you find the survivor of a car crash lying on the side of the road, toss them in the back seat of your car, take them home with you and throw them under your couch. No one will notice.
• Shiv-R, "The End": Don't go to bondage clubs, the people there will capture you, torture you and turn you into their slave.
  • Or, alternatively: If a random woman walks into your club, capture her, commit acts of gross bodily harm onto her and keep her there. Her fault for coming there anyway.
• Soulja Boy's "Crank That": If you have a rap hook and a choreographed dance routine, you will get worldwide exposure and a record deal, even if you weren't that great in the first place. The Music Video Show makes fun of the video here.
  • A song about supermanning hoes is a great song for the kiddies.
• Soundgarden's "Black Hole Sun": If you enjoy living your life you deserve to die.
• Stahlmann's "Engel in der Dunkelheit": Never have sex with your wife after you've had a kid, or that kid's going to jump out the window to their death while you're not watching.
• Theory Of A Deadman:
  • "Make Up Your Mind": Being conflicted about whether you want to marry someone will cause you to start making out with random people and, eventually, kill yourself at the ceremony.
  • "Nothing Could Come Between Us": Listening to Theory of a Deadman instead of answering your phone will make you a target for Disproportionate Retribution.
  • "Santa Monica": Every woman who moves to L.A. either becomes a model or prostitute. When that gets boring, they can always run back to their boyfriends.
• Tom Petty's "Last Dance With Mary Jane": If you work as a mortician, you should bring female corpses home, just because they're so damn beautiful.
• The Verve's "Bitter Sweet Symphony": If you can sing, you're allowed to walk anywhere and into anyone you want!
• P!nk's "Stupid Girls": Hey girls, if you rather play with dolls over a football, you'll become a stupid spoiled whore.
• Weezer's "Go Away": If you can't get a date, change your appearance into someone you're not until you do! If that doesn't work, have one of your bandmates pretend to be a thief and have them steal a woman's purse, and then pretend to go beat up the thief and get the purse back for the woman so she fawns over your heroism.

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