Helen: What is it?
Colin: It's a computer.
Helen: Yeah, I know that, but what do I need one? I was goin' to put my begonia there.
— Helen Brittas asking Colin Weatherby why she has a computer in her office.
- Date First Aired: 20/01/1997
Brittas has won the lottery, and he has used the opportunity (alongside getting money from the European capital improvement fund) to computerize the centre, having been inspired by the Basingstoke software Show. He shows the staff around, demonstrating how theoretically, computers can simplify the day-to-day runnings of Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre. As it turns out, Councillor Drugget had let Brittas oversee the entirety of it, including the actual installation of it, hoping that he would screw things up and hopefully get fired.
It's not long however before things go their usual way, with the staff has difficulty keying in customers' requests and leading to tedium. Making matters worse, Tim notes that the possibility exists that Brittas could simply fire them - after all, why can the computers take bookings for three years, but can only do the staff roster for two weeks? Whilst Carole is struggling with the system, a computer whiz kid named Danny helps her out. He notes that it is possible to break a computer system with a computer virus and he, Tim, and Gavin hatch a plan to destroy the system. Although it takes a while to get Brittas away from his system, they are able to do so by having Julie declare her undying love for him and snogging him.
It's not too long before the centre goes even more haywire than usual. However, Danny has difficulty removing the virus. Whilst getting a password, Brittas catches them, but is sympathetic, telling them that they're not being fired and that he'll remove the computer systems. Meanwhile, Drugget's plan backfires - Mr. Driscoll realizes that he Drugget should take the blame instead as he made no effort to assist Brittas whatsoever. All is back to normal, except Colin has decided to kill himself. Brittas is able to grab Colin but the episode ends with Brittas dangling Colin over the building.
Tropes featured in this episode:
- Actor Allusion: Brittas' favourite show being Top Gear (UK) is a bit of a random choice for a leisure centre manager unless you consider the fact that his actor (Chris Barrie) is a massive fan of cars.
- Automatic Door Malfunction: One of the side effects of the computer virus is that the automatic doors cause havoc, with an elderly man, Drugget, and Driscoll getting stuck between them.
- Bratty Half-Pint: Danny is incredibly rude to Carole for not having the same level of computer skills as he does.
- Brick Joke: When intially promoting her counselling services, Helen tells the others that she would prefer it if anyone didn't come in with PTSD, as she had spilled coffee over that section in her book. When Brittas later takes Julie to Helen for counselling, Helen is trying to clean up coffee which has spilled on her book again.
- Comedic Sociopathy: Tim suggests tampering with Gavin's brakes or electrocuting him with his CD player when asked what he would do if Gavin stood him up.
- Comically Missing the Point: Brittas mentions the centre's backup generator breaking down is as likely as him winning the lottery... which he had just won prior to the episode.
- Continuity Nod:
- Brittas believes Julie making out with him to have been a symptom of postnatal depression, as Julie had given birth two episodes earlier in "The Elephant's Child".
- When trying to make Julie have an affair with Brittas, Helen offers to give her the tiger suit she was mentioned to have worn at Julie's party back in "Temple of the Body".
- Deadpan Snarker: Julie during Brittas' speech.Mr. Brittas: Up until last week, all of us at this centre have been groping around brainlessly in a fetid, primeval swamp.Julie: Oh thanks Mr. Brittas, we aim to please.
- Death Seeker: When the counselling file on her computer asks if she wants to commit suicide, Helen chooses the "Yes" option, suggesting that she's become suicidal.
- Delayed Reaction: Tim makes a sarcastic comment about someone using all the pool floats to make a model of Atlantis, but Brittas doesn't automatically realise he's taking the piss and uses that as another example of why they need to use the computer to allocate floats, before giving a Flat "What".
- Distracted by the Sexy: Julie makes out with Brittas to distract him while Tim hacks into his computer.
- Diving Save: When Brittas intends to head into his office, Carole, in a bid to prevent him from knowing of Tim, Gavin, and Danny's interactions with his computer system, dives straight for his legs. When we next see Brittas and Carole, the latter is still wrapped around Brittas' legs as he is making his way up, although this proves ineffective at actually stopping him.
- Driven to Suicide: Colin prepares to throw himself off the roof into a skip after thinking he'll be made redundant.
- Fainting: A woman in reception passes out from the extreme temperatures in reception.
- Fictional Document: The Idiot's Guide to 4.1 Computer Operating Manual which Brittas tries to use for the newly-computerised centre.
- Flat "What": Brittas' eventual reaction to Tim taking the piss about someone building a model of Atlantis out of pool floats.
- Fun with Acronyms: Brittas replacing the locks with Time Instigated Totally Integrated Security, (or T.I.T.I.S).
- Golf Clubbing: Helen uses a golf club to destroy one of the computers, allegedly in an attempt to delete a file (although it's implied she just didn't like the computer as it does what she did in her work as a therapist).
- Goodbye, Cruel World!: Colin leaves a suicide note when he is preparing to kill himself, mainly detailing what he wants for his funeral.
- Heroic BSoD: After hearing the new computer system will have him fired, all Colin can do is wander around the centre mumbling the word "redundant".
- Hoist by His Own Petard: Drugget gets Brittas to computerise the centre all by himself, hoping he would mess up and get fired. Brittas does mess up, but it's Drugget who is put through the ringer because he offered no help to Brittas whatsoever.
- Interrupted Suicide: Colin, believing that he is no longer needed, attempts to commit suicide at the end of the episode, but is stopped by Brittas before he could do so.
- Innocent Innuendo: Brittas tells Tim that if he has no one to play squash with, he can always play with himself. While Brittas refers to virtual reality squash, Tim and Gavin's minds immediately go to having a wank.
- Insufferable Genius: Danny, the young boy who hacks into Brittas' computer system, is quite rude to the staff because they don't have his level of computer skills.Danny: You've got to close down all your files and applications before you open new ones.Carole: (Beat) Haven't you got a sandpit to go to?
- Kiss of Distraction: Julie snogs Brittas as a form of distraction whilst Danny inserts a virus into the computer systems.
- Job-Stealing Robot: The major reason that the staff tries to shut down the computer systems is that they fear that it will make them redundant.
- Literal Cliffhanger: Brittas is able to save Colin at the end of the episode, but he ends up dangling Colin over the centre building.
- Low Count Gag: The centre only has one season ticket holder, a man named Mr. Jones.
- Ludd Was Right: The computer systems prove to be more of a pain than the human staff, making the whole process of pursuing the facilities of the centre even more tedious. Brittas himself comes to this conclusion at the end of the episode, stating that humans are just better at everything, which is why he removes the computer system from the leisure centre.
- Noodle Incident:
- The last time Danny visited the centre was to compete in a chess tournament where he made three Russian masters storm out in a sulk.
- Brittas apparently did a foot hygiene speech in Christmas 1992, which Colin both has on cassette and treasures dearly enough to request it be played at his funeral.
- Offscreen Crash: Helen goes off-screen with a golf club to smash her computer.Helen: I jus' found out how to delete a file. It's a doddle.
- One-Shot Character: Duane, Mrs. Philips, Danny and Mr. Driscoll.
- One-Steve Limit:
- Before Mrs. Philips in this episode, there was a family with the same last name in "Bye Bye Baby".
- Danny was also the name of a One-Shot Character in "Stop Thief!".
- Parodies for Dummies: At one point, Brittas can be seen reading from The Idiot's Guide to 4.1 Computer Operating Manual.
- Playing Sick: Duayne gets so sick of being bothered by Brittas' constant calls that he fakes being sick so that he doesn't have to deal with Brittas.
- Reasonable Authority Figure: After seeing the mess that the computer system has caused in the centre, Mr. Driscoll correctly knows to blame not Brittas, but Drugget, who gave Brittas no assistance at all.
- Shipper on Deck: Upon hearing of Julie's attempts to seduce Brittas to distract him, Helen tries to convince Julie to get into an actual relationship with Brittas, arguing that an affair would do him the world of good and even offering her tiger costume first mentioned back in "Temple of the Body" to make it easier. Julie, naturally, isn't having it.
- Shock and Awe: Tim brings up the idea of electrocuting Gavin with his CD player.
- Shout-Out:
- Brittas compares his time at the Basingstoke Software Show to the biblical story of Paul on the road to Damascus.
- Brittas asks Gavin if Alexander the Great stopped off for a gin and tonic while conquering Persia.
- Colin wants "Jerusalem" to be played at his funeral.
- Some of the passwords that Tim, Gavin and Danny try to get into Brittas' computer are Tin Tin, Top Gear, Thunderclap Newman and Jeff Tracy, with the actual password being Bambi. Brittas notes that he never got over the scene where Bambi's mom was shot.
- Brittas mentions one of the upsides of humans over computers is that they can do Kermit impressions at children's parties.
- Smart People Play Chess: A brief mention is made of Danny competing in a chess tournament in the centre, which fits in with his characterisation as a computer-hacking Teen Genius.
- Status Quo Is God: The entire centre is computerised, but it doesn't take.
- Teen Genius: Danny is quite talented with computers but is still at secondary school.
- Treadmill Trauma: One of the results of Danny hacking the computer system is that all the exercise machines, including a treadmill, run at uncomfortably fast speeds.
- Troubling Unchildlike Behaviour: Danny casually reveals that he used his computer skills to partake in money laundering, taking 20 million pounds from Southern Provincial's investment funds and inserting it into his father's account in the Cayman Islands, allowing it to gain interest, then returning the money. He is also young enough that he's doing mock chemistry exams in secondary school. Appropriately enough, Tim and Gavin are horrified.
- The Voice: Duane is only heard over the phone and never shown in person.
- We Need a Distraction: The staff need Brittas away from his desk whilst they get a virus inserted in it. Gavin tries to take him out for drinks whilst Linda informs him of a fire but Brittas takes care of both using his computer and booking events instead of going out immediately. The solution is to have Julie snog Brittas and profess her love for him to keep him distracted.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: So where did Carole and her kids stay for the week while the centre was being computerised?
