Quotes / Big, Screwed-Up Family

Luke: Well, there's nothing like a wedding to screw up a family.
Lorelai: Actually in my case there's nothing like a family to screw up a family.

— Gilmore Girls, "Hammers and Veils"

"The only way to keep my family in line would be to bury them in a row."

— Tarvek, Girl Genius

"Don't get me wrong, I could kill family members all day and know I was making the world a better place."

— Martellus (cousin to Tarvek), Girl Genius

"I'm sorry she's dead. She was always nice to me. Well... She never tried to kill me. That is... I'm pretty sure those were all accidents. And if they weren't... She wasn't trying very hard... Which was awfully sweet of her, right?"

— Violetta (distantly related to Tarvek and Martellus), Girl Genius

You can learn good self-defense fighting with students in a class. But great self defense, that you pick up fighting with your family.

—Burn Notice

Heard it. Me? Dead mom. J.D? Dead dad. Elliot? Emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox? Emotionally and physically abusive dead parents which he may have killed, no one's sure.

— Carla, Scrubs ("My Saving Grace")

It's a good thing we don't have Thanksgiving in our land, because that dinner would suck.

— Prince Charming, Once Upon a Time

Olivia is 45 years old and, in response to a philandering but very rich husband, found her own substitute sex partners, one of whom was the future husband of her daughter. So now, the once pregnant Olivia has to ponder whether the child she produced came from her husband or her son-in-law. Of course, that child was stolen from her at birth by Annie and given to Olivia's daughter, to replace the fetus lost in a car accident. This means that Olivia is pretending to be the grandmother of her own child, sired by either her former husband or her current son-in-law! Are you keeping up?

—The Journal of Sex Reearch on Sunset Beach

If Satan swallowed a Las Vegas landfill whole then diarrhea’d into the mouth of Photoshop, and if Photoshop then gorged on copies of Blade Runner and a bunch of tabloids before shitting onto a pile of broken neon signs, the end product would be more attractive and festive than the Kardashian Khristmas Kard..this is a glorious mess of symbolism from the ATM behind Kourtney to Bruce Jenner (looking like Patti Smith after surviving a meth lab explosion) trapped in a glass tube for eternity.

—Michael K., "Grab The Holy Water And Hold Onto Your Crucifix, The Kardashian Khristmas Kard Is Here"

I'm not going to pretend that we're a family without our treachery and problems. In the modern nights, in fact, I sometimes think we resemble a corporation more than a family. Sure, we're related, but we fuck each other over if it does us some good. Hell, sometimes we literally fuck each other if we think it'll make us feel good or give us an edge over a rival who just happens to be a same branch of the family tree.

—Vampire: The Masquerade - Clanbook: Giovanni (Revised)

Colorful as peacocks, unclean as swine, mean as rabid dogs - the Bratovitches in a nutshell. They live out their extended lives on their dilapidated plantations in the South and rural estates in the hills of the North. Surrounded by quaint but dusty antiques, families of Bratovitches work together, eat together, fuck together, tend the hellhounds together, and serve our clan together. Family is everything to the Bratovitches, even if all that togetherness leaves a few of them paralyzed and/or knocked up.

—Vampire: The Masquerade - Clanbook: Tzimisce (revised)

Wiz: Cletus Kasady didn't have the chance to be a well-adjusted adult, because his entire family was already crazy. While Cletus was just a boy, his father got sent to jail for killing his mother.

Boomstick: Which he did because she had tried to kill Cletus.

Wiz: Which she did because Cletus had tortured and killed her dog Fifi.

Boomstick: [...] Oh, and, uh, Cletus murdered his grandma too, 'coz... eh, she was kind of a bitch.

—DEATH BATTLE!, "Carnage vs. Lucy"

Cassie: What's this about, dad?
Johnny: Your mom bet me you could whip my ass.
Cassie: This is why I'm in therapy.

—Mortal Kombat 11

Persephone: Is there anything worse than a family party on Olympus?
Hades: [Beat Panel] ...Earthquakes.

— Anthesteria

Pinkie, look at our family's track record with offspring; I know we call our business a rock farm, but it would be more accurate to call it a personality disorder farm. Because that's the only thing we actually produce. It's better if I don't have biological offspring and I'll be happy with my rock children.

— Maud Pie, My Little Pony: Totally Legit Recap "Rock Solid Friendship"

Hercules: Your father has a palace.
Oi-Lan: Yes, and all the power that goes with it. He banished me from our province because my mother wasn't his number one. I'm sure you wouldn't understand.
Hercules: Oh, I think I do. It sounds like the family I come from... if you could call it a family.

— Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, "The March To Freedom"

Do not rely on others, they will use you
Do not accept from others, they will take from you
Do not love others, they will leave you

— The Shinomiya family precepts, Kaguya-sama: Love Is War

Are you lecturing me about healthy relationships with family, Zagreus? Your family, your father's family, is the most broken and corrupted in the history of the entire concept.

— Megaera, Hades

All stay strong, we live eternally
All is well in the Afton family.
Lives they fell, to pure insanity.
All is hell in the Afton family.

— Five Nights at Freddy's Filk Song "Afton Family" by KryFuze. ^note Some of the lyrics are Outdated by Canon

Grandpa Booker: Meanwhile, you be careful. That brother and sister act you mess with are evil, plain and simple.
Fool: Wait a minute, brother and sister?
Grandpa: Brother and sister. Tailend of the craziest family you ever heard of. Every generation more insane than the one before it. Started out as a family running a funeral home, selling cheap coffins for expensive prices. Then they got their fingers into real estate, started making a lot of money taking over people's homes. The more money they got, the greedier they got. The greedier they got, the crazier they got. All sorts of rumors about what's going on in that place. Never proved it because the police never took it serious. But believe me, when I was a kid, none of us ever walked past that house.

—The People Under the Stairs

"My mom was old, and she wasn't all together there at the end. And we were pretty much estranged before that, so it really wasn't a huge blow. But I did... love her. And she didn't have an easy life. She had DID which became extreme at the end. And dementia. And my father died when I was a baby from starvation, um... because he had psychotic depression and he starved himself, which I'm sure was just as pleasant as it sounds. And then there's my brother. My older brother had schizophrenia, and when he was 16, he hanged himself in my mother's bedroom and of course his suicide note blamed her, accusing her of putting people inside him. So... that was my mom's life... .And then she lived in our house at the end, before hospice. We weren't even talking before that. I mean, we were, and then we weren't. And then we were. She's completely manipulative. Until my husband finally enforced a no-contact rule. Which lasted until I got pregnant with my daughter. I didn't let her anywhere near me when I had my first, my son, which is why I gave her my daughter, who she immediately stabbed her hooks into."

—Annie, Hereditary

"We're just one big happy family... except for a little incest and psychosis."

—Bill Whitney, Society

"Olympians fight. We betray. We backstab. We will push anyone down a flight of stairs to get ahead. And that’s why I love my family so much!"

—Ares, Percy Jackson and the Olympians

"Shit. You got a fucked up family, Mike."

—Marcus Burnett, Bad Boys for Life

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