- The Defective Skull, a parody of the Enemy Scan item called the Detective Skull, has numerous useless "deductions" that are nonetheless quite entertaining. Some of them include:
- "I deduce that candy is delicious."
- "I deduce that this monster has approximately eleventy-seven hojillion hit points."
- "I deduce that I satisfied your mother last night."
- "I deduce that if you bet all of your Meat at the MMG right now, you will totally win. Seriously."
- "I deduce that this monster is a much better dancer than you."
- "I deduce that this monster is left-handed."
- "I deduce that this monster is much more attractive than you."
- "I deduce that this monster is much smarter than you."
- "I deduce that this monster is one jive turkey."
- "I deduce that this monster is totally going to kick your ass."
- "I deduce that this monster's dilemmas number four score and nineteen, yet none is feminine in origin."
- "I deduce that this monster's name is Frank, or possibly Brad."
- "I deduce that I make hardcore easier."
- The fight against Ed The Undying gets funnier and funnier as you continue fighting him. By the end, your Player Character has severed his torso and he is still crawling at you with one arm left. The whole thing is reminiscent of The Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail."You're making me feel guilty, Ed. Knock it off!"
- A few things have actually made me laugh out loud in this game. Chief among them is the guy in a V for Vivala mask holding up a sign saying "The Spaghetti Cult is a Cult!"
- "And it sucks!"
- Another one is Beyond the Looking Glass, full of references to Alice in Wonderland. At the Tea Party, it has the foods with "Eat Me" written on them, and the following quote takes it to the extreme: "He pulls out a plate of pastries, each with a familiar type of masochistic command written on it. A few say "Eat Me," some say "Drink Me," and one particularly off-putting one says 'Call Me a Dirty Slut.'"
- There are also some cupcakes that say "eat me" on them as items. This leads to hilarious snark in their item descriptions, like wondering if it's okay to take orders from suicidal cupcakes, and reason that, without the instructions, someone would shove the cupcake up their nose.
- The entire game is filled with strange, quirky, and above all else, hilarious humor, but the Bad Moon adventures take the cake for the sheer punishment your character goes through. One of the more notable ones is basically one big Charlie the Unicorn Shout-Out, complete with getting your kidney stolen (don't worry, you can buy a "new" one later).
- There are also plenty of hilarious miss messages, including this gem from the monsters in the Slime Tube:It tries to ooze under your toenails, but is repulsed by the smell of your feet. Congratulations, you just disgusted a living booger.
- Amid the barrage of pop culture references, there's also room for pure surreal humor, such as this message when you use a certain accessory as a combat item:You look at the unicycle, and it fills you with rage.
"I hate unicycles! I hate them!" you scream, as you slam it into the ground, again and again, breaking it into tiny pieces.
Your opponent looks at you, taking 5905-9051 damage from the pure bewilderment of it all.
- ...And yes, It Makes Just As Much Sense In Context.
- Monster Manuel's enormous library of factoids includes some real gems.
- "Hippy jewelry makers don't use precious stones, because calling a certain type of stone precious makes the other stones feel bad."
- "Anemones are stationary but technically sentient, much like most of the people who write this game."
- "So a priest, a rabbi, and a stripper walk into a bar, and it eats all of them."
- "If you grind up a beanbat and pour boiling water over it, you probably have some mental problems."
- "Many necromancers have been dismayed to find that they've acquired a chalkdust wraith, when what they had wanted was a cocaine wraith."
- "Knob Goblin Alchemists can turn any potable liquid into urine, given enough time."
- "Male dolphins have a penis that is two feet long and curved like an S. Female dolphins don't have a penis."
- "The urchin urchin's mouth is located on the underside of his body, like most politicians."
- "Undead hoboes are much less likely to steal a pie from your windowsill, unless it's a brain pie, in which case what the hell is wrong with you?"
- "Kirby dance! <(o.o<) (>o.o)> <( o.o )> (>o.o<) ^( o.o )^ v( o.o )v <( o.o )>"
- "The alphabet giant's favorite letters are F and U."
- "You shouldn't blame an axe handle for being angry. It's just trying to get ahead."
- It's important to note that every monster has three factoids associated with it, which leads to gems like these three from the "Black Crayon Demon"
- "Black crayons in the Kingdom are dyed with squid ink. Just thought you should know."
- "Just kidding. They're actually dyed with blackberries, so they're the most delicious crayon in the box."
- "Please tell me that you just ate a crayon. It'll make my day."
- Don't worry if you get too banish-happy with monsters in an area- the game still will have something for you to fight. It doesn't hesitate to mock you for it, though.
- The fight against the a golden ring, from an old Crimbo event. What makes it funny is that most of damage done is self-inflicted.You bend over to inspect the ring and stand up too fast. You get dizzy and run into a wall.
You kick the gold ring across the room. It rebounds off a wall and hits you in the eye.
You pick up the ring and toss it in the air. It lands in your mouth and gets lodged in your windpipe. What are the odds?
You stare at the gold ring. It lies there, doing nothing in particular.
- That, and the miss messages involving it just lying there.
The ring attacks the crap out of you. Nah, just kidding.
The ring doesn't attack you. That isn't particularly surpising.
- For much the same reason, the Dense Liana.
- Attempting to pickpocket The Guy Made of Bees rewards you with... A handful of bees. Apparently the bees were so amazed you tried something so stupid that they forgot to attack you and ended up in your inventory.
- Even the basics can inspire some choice giggles. Meat is the in-game currency, and the game takes the rigmarole of justifications contradicting themselves. Yes, Meat is the currency, but you don't kill any of the monsters. You just beat them up and take their stuff! But where did you get the yeti skin? The yeti was carrying it, of course!
A gold coin the size of your face is probably the most impractical form of currency you've ever encountered. Oh, wait -- meat. Right.
- The meat currency is perfectly lampshaded by the description of a huge gold coin from a faux-video game dungeon
- The "too legit potion" item, which doubles the defensive power of your pants.Stop. Your pants are too big. Just stop.
- The Copperhead Club subquest (part of the ridiculously huge and circuitous MacGuffin Quest) brings a whole new meaning to jackassery. The proprietor of the club poisons you no less than three times. Not even one right after the other. He gives you an antidote each time you complete a leg of the subquest, and then tricks you into drinking poison again each time. When you switch champagne glasses to not get poisoned a second time, he reveals he poisoned his own glass. The third time, you refuse to drink from his "Totally Not Poisoned" champagne bottle and take a drink from your personal flask instead, only to reveal he swapped it for a poisoned flask! The sheer ludicrousness of the guy's jovial asshattery is matched only by your character's mounting fury, culminating in you beating nine circles of hell out of him until he finally gives you the item you need.
- One optional quest has you playing the role of the Wicked Stepmother during Cinderella's ball, determined to find ways to humiliate her without it looking bad on yourself. You can...
- Frame her for stealing
- Drug her with booze or laudanum
- Trigger her allergies with carnations, and taint the soap she uses to wash up with.
- Make her trip while dancing
- Drug her with ipecac and cause her to throw up, either in her purse, a punchbowl, or right on Prince Charming
- Catch a mouse, feed it soap, slip it into her purse when she's not looking, then ask to borrow a handkerchief, and when she goes to open her purse, out jumps a mouse that's foaming at the mouth, causing her to freak out spectacularly
- Or any combination of the above. Black Comedy at its finest.
- The "Roll of Toilet Paper" item can be used to TP another player's campsite. If they don't have a dwelling set up at their campsite, you get this message[Playername] hasn't got a tent or house, so you just start randomly tossing your toilet paper all over the ground where you think [they] sleeps. That was mean — you shouldn't make fun of poor people.
[Playername] hasn't got a tent or house, so you just throw the brick at [them] when [they] aren't looking. It hits [them] in the face. That was mean — you shouldn't make fun of poor people.
- The "Brick" is used in the same way, thrown through a player's window to deliver a message. If they don't have a window...
- The Sea Monkees quest has you rescuing members of the eponymous family from various dangers under the sea. Grandpa Sea Monkee is in a different pickle depending on your class:
- Muscle classes (Seal Clubbers and Turtle Tamers) find Grandpa hunting an enormous fish-beast in Anemone Mine. He manages to kill the beast, and it turns out... it ate his newspaper, which he hastily retrieves from the beast's belly.
- Accordion Thieves find him tinkering with a jukebox in a Dive Bar, which he tries to repair ala The Fonz. Unfortunately he misses and hits the glass casing, shattering it and causing the whole thing to implode. The crowd of angry patrons that starts to approach finally convinces him it's time to go home.
- Grandpa Sea Monkee in general is a fountain of gags. His purpose in the game is to give lengthy stories that unlock content when asked about key words. When asked about "Grandma", he replies:Grandpa No, whippersnapper, I'm Grandpa Sea Monkee. Look, if you can't tell the difference, I certainly ain't the one to teach you. Don't you have parents? Or pornography?
Grandpa: Before too long, we got ourselves half nelsoned. Wait, what do you kids call it these days? Going steady? Right. Back then, when you loved a girl, you would get down on one knee, and she would get down on all fours, and then you'd put her in a headlock, and if she couldn't get out of the headlock in thirty seconds, then you were half nelsoned.
- Also on the subject of Grandma:
- The hobo selling combat items in Hobopolis plays it reasonably cool on the topic of his wares being for self-defense purposes only...until he gets to his last item.Shopkeep: "And I've saved the best for last: I call it The Six-Pack of Pain."You: "This appears to be eight empty beer bottles tied together on the end of a rope."Shopkeep: "That's right. Ever smash someone in the face with a beer bottle? Concussion, little bits of glass in the eyes, bleeds like crazy! Well with this, you get eight times the bang for your buck, and the rope lets you swing it from a short distance away, so you don't have to get too close to the person that's threatening your life."You: "That's pretty clever," you say, impressed.Shopkeep: "BAM!" he says, smacking his fist into his palm for emphasis. "Right in the head! And they go down like a sack of potatoes! A sack of potatoes with shards of glass in its skull and blood spraying..."You: "And this is for self-defense?"Shopkeep: "...and they're all like 'Eee! My eyes! Eeee!' What? Oh! Oh, yes, naturally, strictly for self-defense purposes only."
- The Spring 2015 special challenge path faced a conundrum of there being no more potential Avatars. The solution? Making it Actually Ed the Undying, as in you are playing as the Ensemble Dark Horse boss himself trying to retrieve the Holy McGuffin. He does not disappoint.
- A revamp of the Naughty Sorceress Quest on New Years' 2015 seriously tweaked a quest that had previously been a serious source of Guide Dang It!. It also provided some amusing new content to the game:
- The final boss of the Sleaziest Adventurer Contest is a polite and completely ordinary guy named Leonard... who somehow manages to completely skeeve your character out.
- The description for the Flamin' Whatshisname cocktail.If you're having trouble naming something, set it on fire. That rule has never served me wrong, with the single exception of getting me thrown out of that maternity ward.
- The text from using the Stuffing fluffer (which can be used to bomb the battlefield durring the hippy/frat boy war) outside of wartime.You consider pushing the button, but this thing looks like it could blow up a lot of people, and you don't really have any reason to kill a whole lot of people at once right now. Boy, what kind of a life do you have, that I had to say "right now"?
- During the invasion by Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl in 2017, players had to have a particular effect active in order to damage it. Many of these had at least some kind of justification, like using the game's Elemental RockPaperScissors. At one point the required effect was Crappily Disguised As A Waiter, which worked because the Eldritch Abomination couldn't see through your disguise.
Funny / Kingdom of Loathing