Perhaps the only tale of Off the Rails greater than Old Man Henderson. This story focuses on an epic-level Pathfinder group. The plot of their story was that magic had been falling out of use as more people developed psionic powers, and the rest was basically D&D meets X-Men. The narrator played as an elf wizard called Elsimore, and the others were a monk/psionic fist/soul fist, a Wilder, a Magus, and a regular Psion.
The game did not go well. The players were quickly at each other's throats (well, the Wilder was at Elsimore's throat, and the Monk and Psion defended her), and when the Big Bad showed up, Elsimore chose an... unorthodox way to defeat him, which resulted in psionics being utterly destroyed at their source. When the DM gave the Big Bad his powers back, Elsimore retreated to his private demiplane, and re-depowers the Big Bad by adding the 'non-psionic' trait to it (this isn't in the regular game rules, but the DM had houseruled in ways for psionics to be affected like magic). The DM put the kibosh on that, so Elsimore used an "anti-psionics field" to disable his powers again and had mining constructs in his demiplane swarm the Big Bad to kill him again.
At this point, Elsimore was thrown out of the game. No Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies, just the GM pointing at him, saying "you're out", and throwing him out of his house.
It can be read here.
- Action Girl: The Wilder, as she was a near epic-level psion.
- Bad Guys Do the Dirty Work: After their first attempt to PK Elsimore fails, the group makes it look like he attacked the Big Bad. The Big Bad attacks back, Elsimore proceeds to defend himself. . . starting with creating a Reality-Breaking Paradox.
- Baleful Polymorph: Elsimore defeats the Wilder's attempt to PK him by using this spell to turn her into a newt (he's all about the classics).
- Batman Gambit: After his first time killing the BBEG is retconned out of existence, Elsimore teleports to his own demiplane, knowing full well that the Big Bad is going to follow him there. When he does so, Elsimore applies the "nonpsionic" trait to the demiplane, depowering the BBEG and leaving him a defenseless commoner again.
- Big Bad: The BBEG driving the story's plot is based on Magneto, and he's trying to turn Psions against Non-psions.
- Big Fun: The only other competent player and a seemingly decent dude was described as a Landwhale at one point.
- The Big Guy: The DM is described as 'a bear of a man'.
- Death by a Thousand Cuts: Elsimore's player knows that he's never going to be able to defeat the Big Bad in a straight fight...but he can De-Power him in a way that removes all of his defensive and offensive abilities, leaving him a defenseless commoner while Elsimore just casts low-level spells on him until he dies. Three times in a row.
- Depraved Homosexual: The Date Rape Psion got his nickname for a reason, and Elsimore eventually had to stop him with a permanent 'Protection from Evil' spell. According to the Narrator, his player was the same. The Narrator comments that he's the sort of gay man who would turn people homophobic if they'd never met a normal gay guy before.Narrator: He had no concept of personal space and no concept of 'I'm not gay.' Thankfully, he did have a concept of 'If you touch me there again, I'm going to pummel you and file a sexual misconduct suit.'
- De-Power: How Elsimore kills the Big Bad, three times in a row, in three different ways. His strategies are:
- 1. Use Scroll of Timestop. Teleport to Plane of Force, source of all psionic powers. Open a permanent gate to the negative energy plane, essentially creating a massive black hole that destroys the plane from which the BBEG draws his power, leaving him defenseless. Cast level-draining spells on the BBEG til he dies.
- 2. Use another Scroll of Timestop. Teleport to custom demiplane, knowing the BBEG will follow. When BBEG arrives, use control of apply the restriction "non-psionic" to the entire demiplane, leaving BBEG without his powers again. Cast level-draining spells on the BBEG til he dies.
- 3. Cast anti-psionic field and dimensional anchor on BBEG. Have army of fire elemental constructs (who get stat bonuses for being in this demiplane) dogpile BBEG and whale on him non-stop until he dies.
- Disproportionate Retribution: What's the Wilder's reaction to Elsimore using a spell to prattle in her ear (after she was talking over him and apparently projecting her hatred for her ex onto him)? Why, try to murder him, of course!
- Double Standard: The Psion spent half the time raping NPCs, yet the one the Monk and the Wilder went after was Elsimore, whose only crime was annoying the Wilder.
- Expy: Elsimore has some definite Dumbledore-like traits, and the Big Bad is apparently a lot like Magneto.
- Fan Disservice: Apparently Fish Face wasn't very attractive, but acted like she was hot stuff. For this reason, OP mentally superimposed a carp over her face whenever he looked at her.
- The Generic Guy: Nancy No-Chin was quiet and out of the way, and his character was pretty bland.
- Get Out!: After three straight instances where Elsimore killed the BBEG by using the GM's own logic against him, the GM just said "you're out" and kicked him out of the game.
- Gone Horribly Right: The narrator initially wanted to try another build, a Rogue based around the Use Magic Device skill, but the DM told him, paraphrased, "Minmax or GTFO". Elsimore, a wizard that destroyed a chunk of multiverse just to kill off the Big Bad, was the result.
- Jerkass: The Wilder, The Date Rape Psion, and to a lesser extent Nancy No-Chin and GM.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: The GM told Elsimore's wizard character to "Minmax or GTFO." The GM got exactly what he wanted; a character so game-breakingly powerful that he broke the BBEG three times in a row, even with various restrictions placed on him. Elsimore also took merciless advantage of several of the GM's house rules in the process.
- Mary Sue: OP calls the Wilder 'the typical "fiery tempered" Mary Sue' In-Universe.
- Misplaced Retribution: The Narrator notes with some confusion that the Wilder chose to get all morally superior and lecturey at Elsimore, despite the Date Rape Psion doing horrible things to pretty much everyone who caught his eye (which would have included Elsimore, had he not slapped a permanent Protection from Evil spell on himself).
- Mistaken for Pedophile: Elsimore's attempts to find children with magical abilities to train them so magic won't die away make him seem like he wants them for less noble reasons. At least, the Wilder thinks so.
- The Nicknamer: OP. He calls the Monk's player Nancy No-Chin, the Wilder's player Fish Face, and the Psion the Date Rape Psion. In fact, everyone gets a less-than-flattering nickname, aside from "The Only Decent Player" (And even he gets a "Good Guy Landwhale" thrown in, which borders on it).
- Off the Rails: The page quote lauds this story as having done this extensively. Elsimore's player applied the dead zone on the plane of force after rolling to gain the know-how with the full intention of nullifying all psionic powers. The first time won the battle only a few hours into the adventure. The DM didn't want it to end that way, and so rewinded back to before it happened and made a new rule to keep the BBEG's powers intact. Again, Elsimore exploited various rules to depower him again, and the third time he made a demiplane that first negated psionics and then applied an anti-psionics field when that decision was stopped. No matter what happened, the plot was a goner.
- Our Elves Are Better: Elsimore and the Wilder were elves, with Elsimore being a surface elf and the Wilder being a Drow.
- Out-Gambitted: Three times in a row, Elsimore tricks the BBEG into a situation where he can be depowered and killed. Eventually the GM straight-up throws Elsimore's player out of his house because he realizes that he literally cannot progress the campaign with Elsimore in the party.
- Psychic Powers: Everyone in the party but Elsimore and the Magus were psionic classes, which use these in variable forms.
- Reality-Breaking Paradox: Elsimore destroyed psionics by going to the Plane of Force, which is the source of Psionic powers, and casting a permanent gate to the place where the Negative Energy Plane and the Quasielemental Plane of Void met.
- Retcon: The DM retcons Elsimore's first killing of the Big Bad. And the second one. When Elsimore does it a third time, the GM just kicks Elsimore out of his house.
- Token Evil Teammate: The Date Rape Psion, who constantly used his powers to rape NPCs and tried to sexually assault Elsimore. Him putting a stop to that by slapping a permanent protection from evil on himself that actually prevented said psion from touching him confirmed his alignment as Evil.
- Token Good Teammate: OP calls the Magus's player 'The Only Decent Player' and says he's the only one to actually put effort into his character.
- Xanatos Speed Chess: Elsimore is almost hilariously good at this. BBEG attacking him after all the other players have fled? Teleport to plane of force, open permanent gateway to plane of void, creating a Reality-Breaking Paradox that destroys all psionic abilities, leaving BBEG defenseless. Elsimore wins. Time rewinds to resurrect the BBEG? Elsimore teleports to custom demiplane, luring BBEG into a trap, then applies "nonpsionic" restriction, leaving BBEG defenseless. Elsimore wins. BBEG ignores effect of "nonpsionic" restriction? Elsimore casts anti-psionic field on him, then freezes him in place, then uses army of fire elemental constructs to beat him to death. Elsimore wins.
- You All Meet in an Inn: The Narrator probably provides the best description of this trope:We congeal off the walls of a high-end tavern in some urban area.
- You Can't Thwart Stage One: The Big Bad's appearance was going to be a case of this, but unfortunately for him, Elsimore found a way to thwart him.