Family Guy
This. Was. Exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have RUINED Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses that I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking DIE.
— Stewie Griffin to the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven"
Peter: Wait a minute—you went with the monkey to a father/son thing?
Chris: Well, it's not like you ever take me anywhere. [...] It's true! You never want to do anything with me! But the monkey's been taking me to all the fun places I like, and he's been helping me with all my homework! He helped me get an A in algebra!
Peter: How did the monkey know you needed help with algebra?
Chris: Because he ASKED!
[Peter's jaw drops]
Chris: That's right, Dad. You never ask, and even if you did, you never listen! And now you're getting mad at the monkey because he actually cares? Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world and I HATE YOU!
Chris: Well, it's not like you ever take me anywhere. [...] It's true! You never want to do anything with me! But the monkey's been taking me to all the fun places I like, and he's been helping me with all my homework! He helped me get an A in algebra!
Peter: How did the monkey know you needed help with algebra?
Chris: Because he ASKED!
[Peter's jaw drops]
Chris: That's right, Dad. You never ask, and even if you did, you never listen! And now you're getting mad at the monkey because he actually cares? Screw you! You are the worst dad in the world and I HATE YOU!
— "Hannah Banana"
Brian: I'm just trying to build a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?
Quagmire: Ok, I'll tell ya. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. (getting angrier) And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Ooh, I'll get you later," but later never comes! And what really bothers me is you pretend that you're this deep guy that loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it! I don't buy them a copy of The Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation about how Holden Caulfield is a profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much: he's you! God, you're pretentious! (brimming with indignation) And you delude yourself by thinking you're a great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I shoulda known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She woulda known there's no "A" in the word "definite!" And what I think I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should (mockingly) "Legalize Pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass; how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America! Well what have you done to help?! I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian! Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ, or any religion, for that matter, because (mockingly) "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone?! You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father — how's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that... all of it... if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! Sigh... Well, see ya, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.
Quagmire: Ok, I'll tell ya. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. (getting angrier) And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Ooh, I'll get you later," but later never comes! And what really bothers me is you pretend that you're this deep guy that loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it! I don't buy them a copy of The Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation about how Holden Caulfield is a profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much: he's you! God, you're pretentious! (brimming with indignation) And you delude yourself by thinking you're a great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I shoulda known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She woulda known there's no "A" in the word "definite!" And what I think I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should (mockingly) "Legalize Pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass; how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America! Well what have you done to help?! I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian! Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ, or any religion, for that matter, because (mockingly) "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone?! You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father — how's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that... all of it... if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! Sigh... Well, see ya, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.
— "Jerome is the New Black"
Connie: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're gonna have to leave. But Brian can stay.
[Connie and her friends laugh.]
Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no, ha-, no, hang on, hang on, Meg, hang on... You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out/giving handjobs when you were 12, but now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
Connie: [runs away crying]
[Connie and her friends laugh.]
Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no, ha-, no, hang on, hang on, Meg, hang on... You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out/giving handjobs when you were 12, but now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
Connie: [runs away crying]
— "Barely Legal"
Stewie: You tried to destroy it, didn't you!? I KNEW my play was good! Just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired clichés! You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a YEAR to figure out Stuart Little!
Brian: It's still a good play!
Stewie: It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns, and stolen bits! There's a line in there from Seinfeld!
Brian: I never saw that episode!
Stewie: I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice, and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well.
Brian: SHUT UP!
Stewie: May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity, and pierce your heart like a knife.
Brian: It's still a good play!
Stewie: It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns, and stolen bits! There's a line in there from Seinfeld!
Brian: I never saw that episode!
Stewie: I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice, and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well.
Brian: SHUT UP!
Stewie: May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity, and pierce your heart like a knife.
— "Brian's Play"
Stewie: I missed you, buddy. Welcome back.
Brian: Thanks, Stewie. You never gave up on me. You knew that wasn't really me.
Stewie: Yeah, well, it's no big dea—
Brian: I mean, I was having fun, making friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. [No longer smiling] You unilaterally decided I was better off a bitter, alcoholic failure who can only hang out with a baby.
Brian: Thanks, Stewie. You never gave up on me. You knew that wasn't really me.
Stewie: Yeah, well, it's no big dea—
Brian: I mean, I was having fun, making friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. [No longer smiling] You unilaterally decided I was better off a bitter, alcoholic failure who can only hang out with a baby.
— "Our Idiot Brian"
Brian: You know what? Fuck you! I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke. There's a huge difference. But nobody on the internet ever takes the time to ask themselves "Is this worth freaking out over?" or "Are there bigger problems in the world than this tweet?" Well, I assure you, there are. And just for the record, I love black people. I've watched tons of black porn. So what do you all want from me, huh? You- You want to ruin my life? Then congratulations. You did it. Everybody hates me. I can't leave the house without getting harassed. No one will hire me.
Stewie: That was an issue before.
Brian: I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself or that they're gonna kill my family. Leave me alone! I'm the self-righteous, liberal douchebag, not you! I've kissed a transsexual before! How many of you can say THAT?! Where's my fucking medal?! I am so far left, I'm spinning in circles, you shitheads! Instead of killing myself, I SHOULD KILL ALL OF YOU!
Stewie: That was an issue before.
Brian: I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself or that they're gonna kill my family. Leave me alone! I'm the self-righteous, liberal douchebag, not you! I've kissed a transsexual before! How many of you can say THAT?! Where's my fucking medal?! I am so far left, I'm spinning in circles, you shitheads! Instead of killing myself, I SHOULD KILL ALL OF YOU!
Chris: Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining.
Meg: You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me.
Chris: HOW AM I A BASTARD?!
Meg: Oh, you want the whole story?
Lois: Meg, please.
Meg: Not now, Mom. Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets? Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's-Get-Meg" family bandwagon?
Meg: You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me.
Chris: HOW AM I A BASTARD?!
Meg: Oh, you want the whole story?
Lois: Meg, please.
Meg: Not now, Mom. Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets? Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's-Get-Meg" family bandwagon?
Lois: Look, the bottom line here Meg is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else.
Meg: Oh, my problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role-model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the pornstar, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton go to town on her?
Lois: [scoffs] So what? A-all those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences.
Meg: Are you? Are you a better person?
Lois: What's your point, Meg?
Meg: My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, heh, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings.
Lois: Alright, well fine! Okay, I'm not the perfect mother; who is?
Meg: [chuckles] Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done none of those things! You're my mother and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I-I don't know that I ever want to see you again!
Lois: [lips quiver, then she cries]
Meg: Oh, my problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role-model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the pornstar, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton go to town on her?
Lois: [scoffs] So what? A-all those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences.
Meg: Are you? Are you a better person?
Lois: What's your point, Meg?
Meg: My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, heh, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings.
Lois: Alright, well fine! Okay, I'm not the perfect mother; who is?
Meg: [chuckles] Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done none of those things! You're my mother and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I-I don't know that I ever want to see you again!
Lois: [lips quiver, then she cries]
Meg: [to Peter] You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father.
Peter: All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man.
Meg: You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it!
Peter: [laughs]
Meg: God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!
Peter: [laughs again]
Meg: Oh, [fake laughs] oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!
Peter: I like where this is going.
Meg: You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks way too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!
Stewie: Meg, watch it.
Meg: You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!
*Beat*
Peter: Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!
Lois: Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?!
Peter: I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.
Meg: Have either of you guys been listening to me?! DO BOTH OF YOU JUST HAVE YOUR HEADS UP YOUR ASSES!?!
Peter: All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man.
Meg: You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it!
Peter: [laughs]
Meg: God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!
Peter: [laughs again]
Meg: Oh, [fake laughs] oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!
Peter: I like where this is going.
Meg: You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks way too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!
Stewie: Meg, watch it.
Meg: You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!
*Beat*
Peter: Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!
Lois: Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?!
Peter: I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.
Meg: Have either of you guys been listening to me?! DO BOTH OF YOU JUST HAVE YOUR HEADS UP YOUR ASSES!?!
— "Seahorse Seashell Party"
Peter: Hey, uh, Lois told me there was some funny business.
Brian: Yeah, what of it?
Peter: Well, it's just... I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian. Lois is my wife, and... I mean, all the dry food I bought for you over the years?
Brian: Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that?
Peter: Say what now?
Brian: You don't deserve her! She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation!
Peter: Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months!
Brian: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Peter: Oh, y-you're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian! You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.
Brian: Yeah, what of it?
Peter: Well, it's just... I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian. Lois is my wife, and... I mean, all the dry food I bought for you over the years?
Brian: Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that?
Peter: Say what now?
Brian: You don't deserve her! She does nothing but give and give and give, and you repay her with selfishness and neglect. I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation!
Peter: Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months!
Brian: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Peter: Oh, y-you're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian! You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.
— "Play It Again, Brian"
Lois: What's the matter, Peter?
Peter: I'm just sick of being tall. I had a hard enough time getting everything in the toilet before. I want my old body back.
Lois: Well... There is a way.
Peter: What is it?
Lois: ...Lock the front door. [Peter does so] Peter, if you really want to get shorter, I can berate you.
Peter: What?
Lois: The female power to belittle is such that the recipient can physically shrink in stature. That's why husbands and wives are the same height in old age.
Peter: Lois... Berate me.
Lois: Okay, Peter. But if I do this, I really gotta do it.
Peter: Do it.
Lois: [Takes a deep breath, then slowly exhales] ...For starters, you're a failure. You didn't go to college, Daddy pays our mortgage, and you're a terrible husband and father. Your whole life is a pattern of hateable noises. The way you chew a banana makes it sound like it's filled with bones. I loathe the little wheeze at the crest of every breath you take. I hate the one story you tell at every cocktail party about almost meeting John Kerry.
Peter: It's a good story.
Lois: You didn't even meet him!
Peter: Almost!
Lois: Your eyeglass lenses have been smudged for nineteen years!
Peter: Aw, crap!
Lois: Everyone hates it when you see fireworks and you announce "This is the finale!"
Peter: Please stop!
Lois: Pink Floyd is multiple guys!
Peter: He is?
Lois: You're so predictable! I know every word that's gonna come out of your mouth before you even say it!
Peter & Lois: Balderdash! Heavens! Stop that! I worked for Purolator Courier before they went bankrupt!
Lois: Appearance! [Blows a raspberry] Intelligence! [Blows another raspberry] Penis size! [Blows an especially long raspberry] AND ANOTHER THING!
Peter: I'm just sick of being tall. I had a hard enough time getting everything in the toilet before. I want my old body back.
Lois: Well... There is a way.
Peter: What is it?
Lois: ...Lock the front door. [Peter does so] Peter, if you really want to get shorter, I can berate you.
Peter: What?
Lois: The female power to belittle is such that the recipient can physically shrink in stature. That's why husbands and wives are the same height in old age.
Peter: Lois... Berate me.
Lois: Okay, Peter. But if I do this, I really gotta do it.
Peter: Do it.
Lois: [Takes a deep breath, then slowly exhales] ...For starters, you're a failure. You didn't go to college, Daddy pays our mortgage, and you're a terrible husband and father. Your whole life is a pattern of hateable noises. The way you chew a banana makes it sound like it's filled with bones. I loathe the little wheeze at the crest of every breath you take. I hate the one story you tell at every cocktail party about almost meeting John Kerry.
Peter: It's a good story.
Lois: You didn't even meet him!
Peter: Almost!
Lois: Your eyeglass lenses have been smudged for nineteen years!
Peter: Aw, crap!
Lois: Everyone hates it when you see fireworks and you announce "This is the finale!"
Peter: Please stop!
Lois: Pink Floyd is multiple guys!
Peter: He is?
Lois: You're so predictable! I know every word that's gonna come out of your mouth before you even say it!
Peter & Lois: Balderdash! Heavens! Stop that! I worked for Purolator Courier before they went bankrupt!
Lois: Appearance! [Blows a raspberry] Intelligence! [Blows another raspberry] Penis size! [Blows an especially long raspberry] AND ANOTHER THING!
— "Boys & Squirrels"
"You took an oath just the same as me, sheriff; to protect and serve, not to harass and douche. Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like, and as a law enforcement professional, you have an obligation to be more ethically upstanding than the average man, not less. Now get the hell out of my town."
— Joe, ""Cool Hand Peter"
Peter: (still wearing Quagmire's underwear) There he is, the reason our lawn looks like it has leopard-skin pants.
Brian: What’s up with you lately!? You’ve been acting really weird all of the sudden!
Peter: All of the sudden, Brian? I think what you mean is all of a sudden. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s the "author" in the house.
Brian: What's your problem!? Why are you being such a jerk to me!?
Peter: (as he takes off his clothes and puts on full-body BDSM gear) My "problem" with you? Let’s see, where do I begin? You accept food, clothing, and shelter, yet no responsibilities. You constantly want to sleep with my wife, who is an angel. Oh, and the hypocrisy! You claim to be an ally to women, but I bet you don't even know Nancy Pelosi's official title!
Brian: Sure, I do! She's-uh, Chuck Schumer's secretary!
Peter: Forget it, Brian. Now, can you strap me to this milking table? My wife will be home soon.
Brian: What’s up with you lately!? You’ve been acting really weird all of the sudden!
Peter: All of the sudden, Brian? I think what you mean is all of a sudden. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s the "author" in the house.
Brian: What's your problem!? Why are you being such a jerk to me!?
Peter: (as he takes off his clothes and puts on full-body BDSM gear) My "problem" with you? Let’s see, where do I begin? You accept food, clothing, and shelter, yet no responsibilities. You constantly want to sleep with my wife, who is an angel. Oh, and the hypocrisy! You claim to be an ally to women, but I bet you don't even know Nancy Pelosi's official title!
Brian: Sure, I do! She's-uh, Chuck Schumer's secretary!
Peter: Forget it, Brian. Now, can you strap me to this milking table? My wife will be home soon.
Quagmire: (to his mother) How dare you come in here and tell me to seek forgiveness! Where do you get off? (...) You've never apologized once for the way you raised me! You're the one who made me what I am!
Brian: Oh, come on, Quagmire, you're a grown man, responsible for his own choices. Seems kind of cowardly to blame someone else for your problems.
Stewie: Brian abandoned his own son, by the way.
Quagmire: (frustratedly at Brian) Why are you, of all people, defending a religious nut? Aren't you an Atheist?
Brian: (chuckling) Yeah, it's crazy. You can think about that while you're in jail.
Brian: Oh, come on, Quagmire, you're a grown man, responsible for his own choices. Seems kind of cowardly to blame someone else for your problems.
Stewie: Brian abandoned his own son, by the way.
Quagmire: (frustratedly at Brian) Why are you, of all people, defending a religious nut? Aren't you an Atheist?
Brian: (chuckling) Yeah, it's crazy. You can think about that while you're in jail.
Brian: Well, I guess you guys have gotten pretty close, huh? Did Quagmire ever tell you he was obese as a child?
Quagmire: Did Brian ever tell you he once had a tick on the back of his neck that he couldn't reach with his mouth, and it swelled up to the size of a ping-pong ball?
Brian: [starting to get annoyed] Well, it was still smaller than that thing you had on your lip for three years!
Quagmire: [also annoyed] Oh, three years?! You mean like the three years you have left on this planet?!
Brian: [now pissed] Oh, that's nice! Hey, if you guys are so close, maybe Jillian should know that you teach a class in picking up women?!
Quagmire: [equally pissed] And Cheryl should know that you took that class!
Brian: Does Jillian know you're half Polish, Mr. Quagglechek?
Quagmire: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Quagmire: Did Brian ever tell you he once had a tick on the back of his neck that he couldn't reach with his mouth, and it swelled up to the size of a ping-pong ball?
Brian: [starting to get annoyed] Well, it was still smaller than that thing you had on your lip for three years!
Quagmire: [also annoyed] Oh, three years?! You mean like the three years you have left on this planet?!
Brian: [now pissed] Oh, that's nice! Hey, if you guys are so close, maybe Jillian should know that you teach a class in picking up women?!
Quagmire: [equally pissed] And Cheryl should know that you took that class!
Brian: Does Jillian know you're half Polish, Mr. Quagglechek?
Quagmire: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
— "Tiegs for Two"
Lois: You're a stupid man! (starts hitting Peter with a rolled up newspaper) A stupid, stupid man!
Peter: Ow, you're hurting me! Stop it! Stop it, Lois!
Lois: No! I'm so sick of your crap! Why do you always do these stupid things?!? And why do you always announce them to me before you do them?!? Are you trying to get a rise out of me? Are you happy now? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?
Peter: No, it's not what I want! It's not what I want. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Peter: Ow, you're hurting me! Stop it! Stop it, Lois!
Lois: No! I'm so sick of your crap! Why do you always do these stupid things?!? And why do you always announce them to me before you do them?!? Are you trying to get a rise out of me? Are you happy now? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?
Peter: No, it's not what I want! It's not what I want. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
"You think we're intellectual equals?! It only took me seconds to get you off your guard! And this 'body' you designed is self-congratulatory garbage! See, I know a thing or two about building a body out of biomass, and you don't... leave your heart exposed!"
— Princess Bubblegum to Ricardio, Adventure Time
"You're cold, PB! And it's not because you're a scientist or leader; it's because you are a bad person! Something inside you is messed up, girl. And whatever it is... [sighs] whatever, whatever, PB!"
— Flame Princess, Adventure Time
Patrick: ...You've turned my daughter into a monster!
Gumball: TRUCK! Of... prettiness?
Penny: [turns into dragon] Well, tell my father that this monster's going to live in the forest, with all the other beasts! [flies off]
Gumball: [glares at Patrick]
Patrick: What?
Gumball: [mocking voice] "Ooh, I wonder why my daughter is upset because I called her a freaky pig monster?" [jumps onto Patrick's car] Now with all due respect, I'm going to have to ask you to SHUT UP! Look at what you've done! Do you realize you were wrong?!
[Patrick nods]
Gumball: Good, but don't beat yourself up about it! Parenting is hard! Now pop the hood.
Gumball: TRUCK! Of... prettiness?
Penny: [turns into dragon] Well, tell my father that this monster's going to live in the forest, with all the other beasts! [flies off]
Gumball: [glares at Patrick]
Patrick: What?
Gumball: [mocking voice] "Ooh, I wonder why my daughter is upset because I called her a freaky pig monster?" [jumps onto Patrick's car] Now with all due respect, I'm going to have to ask you to SHUT UP! Look at what you've done! Do you realize you were wrong?!
[Patrick nods]
Gumball: Good, but don't beat yourself up about it! Parenting is hard! Now pop the hood.
"Look, Nicole, I get it. You dropped out of college to marry your childhood sweetheart, and life was fun until, whoops, your first disappointment note . So there you are working all hours to support your family while lover-boy note over there is busy growing chins. Then, whoops, another disappointment note . Followed by a third note that you still dream is better than the others, I get it. You know you'll never succeed so you want your kids to succeed for you. You hope that being friends with someone like me will help you climb that ladder, but you're living a lie. You are not good enough, they're not good enough, you've either got it or you haven't, and you haven't. So just be happy with who you really are."
— Felicity Parham, The Amazing World of Gumball, "The Egg"
"You are terrible. You've got no rhythm, no coordination. I've seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace. If your goal was to inspire a feeling of despair the like of which hasn't been felt since Whoopi hosted the Oscars, then bravo... I can envision millions of Americans rising up as one and demanding legislation that would require your legs to be amputated, burned and buried next to Hitler. In short, you suck!"
— Roger harshly criticizing Steve's dancing, American Dad!
"For someone who's Anne's best friend, you sure don't know her well. She's brave, she's smart, and most of all, she's not gonna be pushed around by a bully like you!"
"Cyril, shut your pout-hole, accept the fact that Lana was so far out of your league that impregnating her would've basically been interspecies breeding, and get on with your life!"
— Sterling Archer, Archer, "Baby Shower"
Pam: Edie, cut me down!
Edie: Oh, wow, where to start? Even in a new dress, you look like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. The whole town thinks you're a giant asshole for moving to New York City. Oh, and Dad was right, you'll never find a husband unless you convince a blind man you're a seeing-eye pig!
Pam: I meant cut me down from here!
Edie: Oh, wow, where to start? Even in a new dress, you look like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. The whole town thinks you're a giant asshole for moving to New York City. Oh, and Dad was right, you'll never find a husband unless you convince a blind man you're a seeing-eye pig!
Pam: I meant cut me down from here!
— Archer, "Edie's Wedding"
"So, this is how the great Commander Zhao acts in defeat? Disgraceful. Even in exile, my nephew is more honorable than you."
"I know who you are. You're not soldiers. You're bullies. Freeloaders. Abusing your power, mostly over women and kids. You don't want Lee in your army. You're sick cowards messing with a family who's already lost one son to the war."
— Zuko, Avatar: The Last Airbender, "Zuko Alone"
Zuko: For so long, all I wanted was for you to love me, to accept me. I thought it was my honor I wanted, but really, I was just trying to please you. You, my father, who banished me just for talking out of turn. My father, who challenged me, a thirteen-year-old boy, to an Agni Kai. How could you possibly justify a duel with a child?
Ozai: It was to teach you respect!
Zuko: It was cruel! And it was wrong.
Ozai: Then you have learned nothing!
Zuko: No, I've learned everything! And I've had to learn it on my own! Growing up, we were taught that the Fire Nation was the greatest civilization in history. And somehow, the War was our way of sharing our greatness with the rest of the world. What an amazing lie that was. The people of the world are terrified by the Fire Nation. They don't see our greatness. They hate us! And we deserve it! We've created an era of fear in the world. And if we don't want the world to destroy itself, we need to replace it with an era of peace and kindness.
Ozai: It was to teach you respect!
Zuko: It was cruel! And it was wrong.
Ozai: Then you have learned nothing!
Zuko: No, I've learned everything! And I've had to learn it on my own! Growing up, we were taught that the Fire Nation was the greatest civilization in history. And somehow, the War was our way of sharing our greatness with the rest of the world. What an amazing lie that was. The people of the world are terrified by the Fire Nation. They don't see our greatness. They hate us! And we deserve it! We've created an era of fear in the world. And if we don't want the world to destroy itself, we need to replace it with an era of peace and kindness.
"You're just a fool in a machine, Stark! Without your technology, you are nothing! No instinct for better, no fire to lead! You hide behind armor so you don't have to make sacrifices for victory!"
— Red Skull to Iron Man, Avengers Assemble, "The Avengers Protocol Part 1"
The Leader: It would have been glorious. I was the creating the perfect world, all in my image!
The Hulk: That's the problem... You're ugly.
The Hulk: That's the problem... You're ugly.
Odin: Long have I ignored your mischief, Loki! But this is not mere trickery. This is evil. I gave you everything. I made you my son. And this is how you repay me?!
Loki: You deserve a thousand times worse! Go ahead, exile me! I will never stop!
Odin: If you thought the Isle of Silence was torment, you do not know the meaning of the word!
Loki: You deserve a thousand times worse! Go ahead, exile me! I will never stop!
Odin: If you thought the Isle of Silence was torment, you do not know the meaning of the word!
Hiya, Joker. If you're playin' this tape, you've probably figured out you've been had. Yeah, I left you some cash, but only ten million — which, knowing you, you've already blown. All the other stuff, money, jewels, and gold, it's all fake. See, I always hated your guts, and this was the perfect payback. By now, you're probably out of real money, the IRS is after you, and you can't admit I fooled you, or you'll be the laughingstock of the underworld. The joke's on you, sucker! I got the last laugh after all! [Laughs, chokes, uses his oxygen mask, still cracks a smile.]
— King Barlowe, The New Batman Adventures, "Joker's Millions"
And thus ends the glorious reign of Terrorsaur: a lost battle, a missing Blackarachnia, and who knows what damage inflicted by the Maximal spy!
— Megatron to Terrorsaur, Beast Wars
Y'know what? You two aren't even worth it. It's ridiculous! Can you at least try to be original for a change? You've been doing the same bully routine since the second grade, Cash. It's tired. Spilling my drink? Seriously, I can't believe I used to be afraid of you. Look around, Cash, we've all grown up. But you're still the same pathetic loser who has to torment others just to feel good about himself. You're just sad.
Ben: [To Serena] You're supposed to be love and compassion. How can you let a whole world die? [To Bellicus] And you're supposed to be anger and aggression. How can you let bad stuff go unpunished? (To both personalities) How can you both be so useless!?
Bellicus: "Useless!?"
Serena: We're the most powerful being in the universe! We change the very nature of space and time.
Ben: You don't do anything! Billions of lives at stake, and you're all "Oh, the procedure!"
[Serena starts crying]
Bellicus: Now look what you did! Alright! I move we save the Earth! Happy!?
Ben: No. Just let me out of here. I've got 9 other guys who can do it better!
Bellicus: "Useless!?"
Serena: We're the most powerful being in the universe! We change the very nature of space and time.
Ben: You don't do anything! Billions of lives at stake, and you're all "Oh, the procedure!"
[Serena starts crying]
Bellicus: Now look what you did! Alright! I move we save the Earth! Happy!?
Ben: No. Just let me out of here. I've got 9 other guys who can do it better!
Cricket: Remy! Okay, look, I didn't wanna mess with your fun, but I'm startin' to feel like this whole thing is a scam!
Remy: Really, Cricket? Now you just sound like one of Itchaboi's haters.
Cricket: No! I'm not a "hater"! I just feel very strongly that this Itchaboi guy is stringing you along!
Kiki, Benny and Weezie: Hater.
Cricket: Okay, you three are hopeless. But Remy, this isn't you! You never cared about "flankin' your stakes" or whatever before this weirdo showed up!
Remy: You just don't get it, Cricket! Itchaboi's message is about spreading positivity by buying merchandise, so that other people know how much positivity are spreading!
Cricket: Oh... Remy, buddy! You gotta know how stupid that sounds!
Remy: I thought you were my friend! But face it, Cricket. You a hater.
Cricket: Huh?! [as Vasquez takes him away] Whoa! REMY, WAIT! I'M JUST TRYIN' TO HELP!
Remy: Really, Cricket? Now you just sound like one of Itchaboi's haters.
Cricket: No! I'm not a "hater"! I just feel very strongly that this Itchaboi guy is stringing you along!
Kiki, Benny and Weezie: Hater.
Cricket: Okay, you three are hopeless. But Remy, this isn't you! You never cared about "flankin' your stakes" or whatever before this weirdo showed up!
Remy: You just don't get it, Cricket! Itchaboi's message is about spreading positivity by buying merchandise, so that other people know how much positivity are spreading!
Cricket: Oh... Remy, buddy! You gotta know how stupid that sounds!
Remy: I thought you were my friend! But face it, Cricket. You a hater.
Cricket: Huh?! [as Vasquez takes him away] Whoa! REMY, WAIT! I'M JUST TRYIN' TO HELP!
Cricket: Gloria? You're working here?! For the enemy?!
Gramma: Traitor!
Tilly: I thought we were family!
Gloria: Do I need to remind you that your feud with Chip is the reason Big Coffee got shut down? I don't need family right now. I need a job! Besides, you're making everything worse! I spent all day cleaning up your mess! I'm over it!
Gramma: Traitor!
Tilly: I thought we were family!
Gloria: Do I need to remind you that your feud with Chip is the reason Big Coffee got shut down? I don't need family right now. I need a job! Besides, you're making everything worse! I spent all day cleaning up your mess! I'm over it!
"You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you that you're not. In fact, you'd probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you're a selfish goddamn coward who just takes whatever he wants and doesn't give a shit about who he hurts. That's you. That's BoJack Horseman."
— Herb Kazzaz, BoJack Horseman, "The Telescope"
"You can't keep doing this! You can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it OK. You need to be better! [BoJack tries to apologize] No! No. BoJack, just... stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you. It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid. It's you, alright? It's you. ...Fuck, man. What else is there to say?"
— Todd Chavez, BoJack Horseman, "It's You"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Will you ignorant niggas pleeease shut the hell up! [Everyone gasps.]
Random man: He just said what I think he said?
MLK: Is this it? This is what I got all those ass-whoopings for? I had a dream once. It was a dream that little black boys and little black girls would drink from the river of prosperity, freed from the thirst of oppression. But lo and behold, some four decades later, what have I found but a bunch of trifling, shiftless, good-for-nothing niggas? And I know some of you don't want to hear me say that word. It's the ugliest word in the English language, but that's what I see now: niggas. And you don't want to be a nigga, 'cause niggas are living contradictions! Niggas are full of unfulfilled ambitions! Niggas wax and wane; niggas love to complain! Niggas love to hear themselves talk, but hate to explain! Niggas love being another man's judge and jury! Niggas procrastinate until it's time to worry! Niggas love to be late, niggas hate to hurry! Black Entertainment Television is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life! Usher, "Michael Jackson" is not a genre of music! And now I'd like to talk about Soul Plane. I've seen what's around the corner, I've seen what's over the horizon, and I promise you — you niggas won't have nothing to celebrate. And no, I won't get there with you. I'm going to Canada.
Random man: He just said what I think he said?
MLK: Is this it? This is what I got all those ass-whoopings for? I had a dream once. It was a dream that little black boys and little black girls would drink from the river of prosperity, freed from the thirst of oppression. But lo and behold, some four decades later, what have I found but a bunch of trifling, shiftless, good-for-nothing niggas? And I know some of you don't want to hear me say that word. It's the ugliest word in the English language, but that's what I see now: niggas. And you don't want to be a nigga, 'cause niggas are living contradictions! Niggas are full of unfulfilled ambitions! Niggas wax and wane; niggas love to complain! Niggas love to hear themselves talk, but hate to explain! Niggas love being another man's judge and jury! Niggas procrastinate until it's time to worry! Niggas love to be late, niggas hate to hurry! Black Entertainment Television is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life! Usher, "Michael Jackson" is not a genre of music! And now I'd like to talk about Soul Plane. I've seen what's around the corner, I've seen what's over the horizon, and I promise you — you niggas won't have nothing to celebrate. And no, I won't get there with you. I'm going to Canada.
"I will not be questioned by you. I have told you how it will be. The humans will die. You. Will be taken. Care of. Little Godbrand... Little vampire... Little parasite... Little boat weevil, who delights in making noise and pretending he is important and dangerous... Are you going to continue questioning me? Are you going to fight me, Little Godbrand?"
"Well, you've successfully pushed your family and everyone who ever cared about you away... again. I hope you're happy."
— Mrs. Beakley, DuckTales (2017), "The Last Crash of the Sunchaser!"
I hope you're proud of yourselves! You've driven away another customer! It's baffling, I tell you! Your deep-rooted lack of self-control only fosters failure in each endeavor we undertake! I mean, it's always one step forward and two steps back! Why!? Don't you see the example I try to set for you!?
— Edd to Ed and Eddy, Ed, Edd n Eddy
Vicky: This is all your fault!
Timmy: How is it my fault?! You're the one who caused the avalanche. You're the one who causes everything bad that happens to me!...You've been mean to me for years, and you're finally getting what you deserve. The only good thing about this is if I'm going down, at least you're going down with me!
Timmy: How is it my fault?! You're the one who caused the avalanche. You're the one who causes everything bad that happens to me!...You've been mean to me for years, and you're finally getting what you deserve. The only good thing about this is if I'm going down, at least you're going down with me!
Clarence: Now, let's talk about all the times ahead we have together.
Sheryl Goodspeed: [chuckles] You're not serious, are you?
Clarence: Uh... you and I, we're the same! Liars! Cheaters! Thieves! Hedonists who live for nothing more than our own selfish pleasure!
Sheryl Goodspeed: Don't make me laugh. We're nothing alike. You're a disgusting little toad. I'll never be yours, got it?
Clarence: Wait! No no no no, don't go! I abandoned everything I have in the world for you! You-you can't leave me with nothing!
Sheryl Goodspeed: Uh, yeah, but you see you left yourself with nothing. Ta-ta!
Sheryl Goodspeed: [chuckles] You're not serious, are you?
Clarence: Uh... you and I, we're the same! Liars! Cheaters! Thieves! Hedonists who live for nothing more than our own selfish pleasure!
Sheryl Goodspeed: Don't make me laugh. We're nothing alike. You're a disgusting little toad. I'll never be yours, got it?
Clarence: Wait! No no no no, don't go! I abandoned everything I have in the world for you! You-you can't leave me with nothing!
Sheryl Goodspeed: Uh, yeah, but you see you left yourself with nothing. Ta-ta!
— Final Space, "The Set Up"
"I DON'T LIKE YOU!!!!! Don't you get it? Nobody likes you! You're annoying and weird and you talk too much! And Bloo's name is not Chester, Mr. Herriman is not a badger, that's not how you play checkers, and protein doesn't come from bananas, it comes from NUTS! Which you don't need to eat more of because you ARE nuts! You're chock FULL of nuts! You're so nuts, you drive ME nuts!!! [jumps in Goo's face] Get it?! Get it Get it Get it Get it Get it Get it Get it Get it Get it Get it Get it Get it Get it GET IT?!?!?! Everybody thinks you're a nuisance and they all want you to just GO! HOME!"
— Mac to Goo after hitting his limit with her behavior, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, "Go Goo Go"
"I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain!"
— Dipper to Pacifica, Gravity Falls, "Northwest Mansion Mystery"
Stanley: That's it?! You finally want to see me after ten years and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible?!
Stanford: Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against! What I've been through!
Stanley: No, no. You don't understand what I'VE been through! I've been in prison in three different countries. I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think YOU'VE got problems?! I'VE GOT A MULLET, STANFORD! Meanwhile, where have YOU been?! Livin' it up, in your fancy house in the woods! Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself!
Stanford: Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against! What I've been through!
Stanley: No, no. You don't understand what I'VE been through! I've been in prison in three different countries. I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think YOU'VE got problems?! I'VE GOT A MULLET, STANFORD! Meanwhile, where have YOU been?! Livin' it up, in your fancy house in the woods! Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself!
Susie: You're a grown man. When are you going to grow up and act responsible?
Oskar: I'll do it tomorrow.
Susie: Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow! That's all I ever hear from you!
Oskar: What's wrong with tomorrow? It's a good day.
Susie: Tomorrow's a good day for you! Tomorrow's a grand day, because tomorrow's the day you'll get a good job! Tomorrow's the day you'll pay the bills! Tomorrow's the day you'll grow up and start acting responsible. But tomorrow never comes for you, because it's always so conveniently a day away.
Oskar: That's right, it's only a day away, just like that song the little orphan girl sings!
Susie: What about today, Oskar? And what about yesterday? When I needed your help, you just loafed around the house. When I had to take care of the cleaning, the bills, AND the baby, all you could do was whine and moan and ask me to make you a sandwich!
Oskar: That's right, and you never did!
Susie: Because I was BUSY! You expect everyone else to take care of you!
Oskar: Susie, I don't expect everyone else to take care of me. Just you.
Oskar: I'll do it tomorrow.
Susie: Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow! That's all I ever hear from you!
Oskar: What's wrong with tomorrow? It's a good day.
Susie: Tomorrow's a good day for you! Tomorrow's a grand day, because tomorrow's the day you'll get a good job! Tomorrow's the day you'll pay the bills! Tomorrow's the day you'll grow up and start acting responsible. But tomorrow never comes for you, because it's always so conveniently a day away.
Oskar: That's right, it's only a day away, just like that song the little orphan girl sings!
Susie: What about today, Oskar? And what about yesterday? When I needed your help, you just loafed around the house. When I had to take care of the cleaning, the bills, AND the baby, all you could do was whine and moan and ask me to make you a sandwich!
Oskar: That's right, and you never did!
Susie: Because I was BUSY! You expect everyone else to take care of you!
Oskar: Susie, I don't expect everyone else to take care of me. Just you.
— Hey Arnold!, "Baby Oskar"
"I was robbed! I spent the whole night waiting for the Great Pumpkin, when I could've been out for tricks-or-treats! Halloween is over and I missed it! You blockhead! You kept me up all night waiting for the Great Pumpkin, and all that came was a beagle! I didn't get a chance to go out for tricks-or-treats, and it was all your fault! I'll sue! What a fool I was! I could've had candy, apples, and gum! And cookies and money and all sorts of things! But no! I had to listen to you. You blockhead. What a fool I was. Trick-or-treats come only once a year. And I miss it by sitting in a pumpkin patch with a blockhead. You owe me restitution!"
— Sally to Linus, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
Superman: Look, Captain. I want to—
Captain Marvel: No more lectures. I called this meeting, and I'm gonna have my say.
Superman: But—
Captain Marvel: My whole life, I've looked up to the League. You were my heroes. Every one of you. [to Superman] And you... You were more than a hero. I idolized you. I wanted to be you. Whenever I was out there facing down the bad guys, I'd think, "What would Superman do?" Now I know. I believe in fair play. I believe in taking people at their word and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Back home, I've come up against my share of pretty nasty bad guys, but I never had to act the way they did to win a fight. I always found another way. I... I guess I'm saying I — I like being a hero. A symbol. And that's why I'm... quitting the Justice League. You don't act like heroes anymore.
Captain Marvel: No more lectures. I called this meeting, and I'm gonna have my say.
Superman: But—
Captain Marvel: My whole life, I've looked up to the League. You were my heroes. Every one of you. [to Superman] And you... You were more than a hero. I idolized you. I wanted to be you. Whenever I was out there facing down the bad guys, I'd think, "What would Superman do?" Now I know. I believe in fair play. I believe in taking people at their word and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Back home, I've come up against my share of pretty nasty bad guys, but I never had to act the way they did to win a fight. I always found another way. I... I guess I'm saying I — I like being a hero. A symbol. And that's why I'm... quitting the Justice League. You don't act like heroes anymore.
— Justice League, "Clash"
Vickers: Now you listen to me Joe Jack. We're two steps from win-win. Step One: you put the Tattler Boxes back in the trucks. Step Two: You keep your jobs.
Joe Jack: Oh I've got a third step for you, honey: we quit!
Vickers: Fine! Quit! I've got a whole alumni newsletter full of friends I can call on. They'll drive those [Propane] Trucks just for the life experience!
Joe Jack: Hehehehehehehehe, And I guess your friends are HazMat-Certified too?
Vickers: ...HazMat?
Buck Strickland: "HAZARDOUS MATERIALS!" Vickers, you Moron! You need a special license to drive a Propane Truck!
Vickers: [Stammering] It's alright Sir, I-I can get to Yes. I'll hire a new batch of drivers right away!
Buck Strickland: You listen to me Got-Dang It! It's the Got-Dang height of the season, there's no Drivers from here to Got-Dang City... YOU'RE FIRED!!
Joe Jack: Oh I've got a third step for you, honey: we quit!
Vickers: Fine! Quit! I've got a whole alumni newsletter full of friends I can call on. They'll drive those [Propane] Trucks just for the life experience!
Joe Jack: Hehehehehehehehe, And I guess your friends are HazMat-Certified too?
Vickers: ...HazMat?
Buck Strickland: "HAZARDOUS MATERIALS!" Vickers, you Moron! You need a special license to drive a Propane Truck!
Vickers: [Stammering] It's alright Sir, I-I can get to Yes. I'll hire a new batch of drivers right away!
Buck Strickland: You listen to me Got-Dang It! It's the Got-Dang height of the season, there's no Drivers from here to Got-Dang City... YOU'RE FIRED!!
— King of the Hill, "Snow Job"
"I knew you would try a sneak attack. You were afraid to step up and lead the Earth Kingdom when you had the chance; you were afraid to join me when I became leader; and now, you are afraid of a fair fight. You have always been a coward."
Toph: Lin, I can feel your enraged breathing from here. Just say what you have to say and let’s get it over with.
Lin: Just "get it over with?" Yeah, let's not linger on the fact that I grew up without a dad, no need to get all touchy-feely about it, just one of those things, right?
Toph: Hey, I forgave you for all your garbage a long time ago, and Su and I worked things out. You're the only one who wants to hold onto this family drama nonsense for the rest of your life.
Lin: Forgave me for what? And not knowing my dad is nonsense to you?! It was pretty important to me, and until now you would never even discuss it! You know, after Su and I patched things up, I thought "Hey, maybe I should try to reach out to Mom." But now that we're together again, I remember why we stopped talking. You make me furious, and you don't even know why. And when I tell you, you don't care! Once we save Su, you and I are finished!
Toph: ...If that's your decision and it makes you happy, then fine.
Lin: Just "get it over with?" Yeah, let's not linger on the fact that I grew up without a dad, no need to get all touchy-feely about it, just one of those things, right?
Toph: Hey, I forgave you for all your garbage a long time ago, and Su and I worked things out. You're the only one who wants to hold onto this family drama nonsense for the rest of your life.
Lin: Forgave me for what? And not knowing my dad is nonsense to you?! It was pretty important to me, and until now you would never even discuss it! You know, after Su and I patched things up, I thought "Hey, maybe I should try to reach out to Mom." But now that we're together again, I remember why we stopped talking. You make me furious, and you don't even know why. And when I tell you, you don't care! Once we save Su, you and I are finished!
Toph: ...If that's your decision and it makes you happy, then fine.
"We trusted you. You were our teacher. We would have done anything you asked of us. And you betrayed us both when we needed you most. Yours is the face I saw when murder entered my heart."
—Percy De Rolo to Professor Anders, The Legend of Vox Machina
"My thoughts? You want my thoughts, huh? My thoughts are that you people are all insane! You let that old lady talk for three hours and she never said anything! In the amount of time that that took, I could have gone over there and painted her address myself! I COULD'VE PAINTED THE SISTINE CHAPEL! I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU PEOPLE, BUT I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME THAN TALK ABOUT WHETHER SOMETHING IS CONICAL OR OVOID! OVOID!! NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I have something that I need to get back to, and it's called. A. Life!"
—Daffy Duck, The Looney Tunes Show
Nathan Explosion: We are the most brutal band in the world! What do any of you know about being brutal!?
William Murderface: Yeah!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Now you guys better check out or you'll has each other's lunch for dinners!
[Stella sprays Pickles with pepper spray]
Pickles the Drummer: OWWWWWWWWW!
Stella Murderface: Oh, you gutless pieces of living garbage. You think you know what it's like to be brutal? [Pepper sprays Murderface too.]
William Murderface: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Stella Murderface: Can you imagine cleaning the feculent crud off this moron's diapers every morning? [Pepper sprays Murderface again.]
William Murderface: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stella Murderface: Let me tell you billionaire lowlives something. There's nothing — NOTHING — in this world more brutal and grotesque than raising children!
Rose Explosion: You ruined my vagina!
Serveta Skwigelf: I could never lose the weight after you were born. And look at the veins in my bosom! They're like a roadmap of Stockholm!
Oscar Explosion: I used to be happy... until you. When I started spending all my time with her, and I spent all my beer money on little kid's clothes! THAT'S brutal!
William Murderface: Yeah!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Now you guys better check out or you'll has each other's lunch for dinners!
[Stella sprays Pickles with pepper spray]
Pickles the Drummer: OWWWWWWWWW!
Stella Murderface: Oh, you gutless pieces of living garbage. You think you know what it's like to be brutal? [Pepper sprays Murderface too.]
William Murderface: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Stella Murderface: Can you imagine cleaning the feculent crud off this moron's diapers every morning? [Pepper sprays Murderface again.]
William Murderface: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stella Murderface: Let me tell you billionaire lowlives something. There's nothing — NOTHING — in this world more brutal and grotesque than raising children!
Rose Explosion: You ruined my vagina!
Serveta Skwigelf: I could never lose the weight after you were born. And look at the veins in my bosom! They're like a roadmap of Stockholm!
Oscar Explosion: I used to be happy... until you. When I started spending all my time with her, and I spent all my beer money on little kid's clothes! THAT'S brutal!
— Metalocalypse, "Dethfam"
"The meteor, the building, they were all fake! Illusions, lies! That is your power! Fits for a liar just like yourself!"
Pinkie Pie: You know what, Twilight?! Maybe if you weren't so worried about schedules, you'd realize you're the one ruining the retreat for your friends!!
Twilight Sparkle: [gasps] Well, if my friends don't care about the retreat I planned for them... maybe they should've stayed home!
Fluttershy: CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!
[...]
Twilight Sparkle: Of course I care about Fluttershy!
Pinkie Pie: Then you've got a super weird way of showing it!
Rarity: W-what in Equestria's going on here?
Pinkie Pie: Twilight is so into her "retreat" that she doesn't even care if her friends are upset! She just wants us to "STAY! ON! SCHEDULE!"
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I'm sorry, Pinkie, if I knew you thought this was a "boring, lame, no-fun retreat", I wouldn't have invited you in the first place!
Pinkie Pie: I NEVER SAID THAT!
Twilight Sparkle: [gasps] Well, if my friends don't care about the retreat I planned for them... maybe they should've stayed home!
Fluttershy: CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!
[...]
Twilight Sparkle: Of course I care about Fluttershy!
Pinkie Pie: Then you've got a super weird way of showing it!
Rarity: W-what in Equestria's going on here?
Pinkie Pie: Twilight is so into her "retreat" that she doesn't even care if her friends are upset! She just wants us to "STAY! ON! SCHEDULE!"
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I'm sorry, Pinkie, if I knew you thought this was a "boring, lame, no-fun retreat", I wouldn't have invited you in the first place!
Pinkie Pie: I NEVER SAID THAT!
Mirage-Tazma: Would you like some help?
Tazma: I do not require assistance from a mirage!
Mirage-Tazma: Why do you waste your time conspiring against Necrafa?
Tazma: Because I am better than that Lich!
Mirage-Tazma: Really? You let a dumb troll double-cross you, you lose the Codex, and the Mysticons make you look like a fool time and time again. You’ll never be as good as your brother.
Tazma: I do not require assistance from a mirage!
Mirage-Tazma: Why do you waste your time conspiring against Necrafa?
Tazma: Because I am better than that Lich!
Mirage-Tazma: Really? You let a dumb troll double-cross you, you lose the Codex, and the Mysticons make you look like a fool time and time again. You’ll never be as good as your brother.
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: I thought for sure now that I'm tri-state governor that we'd be okay!
Vanessa: Dad, you're totally missing the point. You spend all of your time working on your ridiculous "-inators" and I can't—
Heinz: Whoa, whoa. They're not ridiculous. Convoluted and ultimately pointless, maybe.
Vanessa: Oh, come on Dad, you build them just to exact petty revenge trying to prove you're evil.
Heinz: What? I'm evil! I-I-I am evil!
Vanessa: No dad, you're basically a Nice Guy who's pretending to be evil... and you know it seems like it's all out of obligation to your backstories, not something that truly comes from your heart.
Heinz: ...wow. So it's really not about the success/loser thing?
Vanessa: Dad, you're totally missing the point. You spend all of your time working on your ridiculous "-inators" and I can't—
Heinz: Whoa, whoa. They're not ridiculous. Convoluted and ultimately pointless, maybe.
Vanessa: Oh, come on Dad, you build them just to exact petty revenge trying to prove you're evil.
Heinz: What? I'm evil! I-I-I am evil!
Vanessa: No dad, you're basically a Nice Guy who's pretending to be evil... and you know it seems like it's all out of obligation to your backstories, not something that truly comes from your heart.
Heinz: ...wow. So it's really not about the success/loser thing?
"You lazy, no-good slackers drive me nuts! Can't you just listen to me once in your worthless lives?! 'cause if you did, you'd see that I'm trying to teach you some simple responsibility, some pride in doing a job well done!! But you wouldn't know a job well done if you paid someone to do it for you, and even then you'd screw it all up on the account that you can't even follow the simplest of instructions, worrying more about looking cool than doing your job!"
— Benson to Mordecai and Rigby, Regular Show, "Think Positive"
"Um, first of all, hello, um, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies and I came to this planet to eat babies. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "Space AIDS", as you put it, and Rick did chain me up so he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick’s motivations to cure me were not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarks. But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? AND do you know WHY I’m never coming back to this planet? Because the TWO OF YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST! You both hate yourselves and each other, AND THE IDEA THAT IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH RICK IS LAUGHABLE. I’d laugh, but biologically incapable—THAT’S HOW ALIEN I AM. And even I’m sitting here listening to the TWO of you and being like “WHAT THE FUCK.” So, good luck with your shitty marriage and tell Rick I’m sorry that he has to deal with either of you. BLIM BLAM, OUT!" <drops translator>
— Blim Blam the Korblok to Beth and Jerry, Rick and Morty, "Auto Erotic Assimilation"
Jerry: You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family!
Rick: I took your family? Who do you think had more taken from them when you shot 20 CC's of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options! That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive. I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh! This poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him, or marry him!"
Rick: I took your family? Who do you think had more taken from them when you shot 20 CC's of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options! That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive. I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh! This poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him, or marry him!"
"There he is! There's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now. Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you and how you ruined it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit. Look at you sitting there, King Shit on his throne of loneliness. Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail His Majesty, the saddest piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years!"
— Rick Sanchez, Rick and Morty, "The Old Man and the Seat", originally meant for Tony but aptly sums up Rick himself in the episode.
Jerry: You know, maybe if you two stopped whining and let your old man take the reins, you might actually learn something. Here! Have a bite of this tasty treat.
Summer: Oh! You think this s'more makes you special? Why? Because someone said "good job" once to you when you were ten? That's actually really sad, Dad. Let's be real. You've been high-roading us non-stop, forcing us to do nothing in the middle of fucking nowhere because it's the only way you're gonna level the playing field, isn't it? Because if you move the bar so low, you might actually seem like you're worth a shit.
Jerry: Huh. [sniffling] I'm gonna go take a walk.
Summer: Oh! You think this s'more makes you special? Why? Because someone said "good job" once to you when you were ten? That's actually really sad, Dad. Let's be real. You've been high-roading us non-stop, forcing us to do nothing in the middle of fucking nowhere because it's the only way you're gonna level the playing field, isn't it? Because if you move the bar so low, you might actually seem like you're worth a shit.
Jerry: Huh. [sniffling] I'm gonna go take a walk.
Morty: [After Rick and Morty witness Rick's tragic backstory] Woah. Dead wife?
Rick: Yes. Now everyone can shut up about it.
Morty: Wow, Rick. I feel a lot better having seen all that.
President Morty: Of course that's the case. In their minds, they're the underdog. And that's how they justify this.
[President Morty pulls up a montage of Ricks heaping abuses upon their Mortys within the Central Finite Curve]
Rick: ...Morty, I’m not responsible for every fucked up Rick out there.
President Morty: They literally ALL say that. They all have that excuse; it’s part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it’s so hard to be a genius." [Sigh] Couldn’t you just die?
Morty: Well, what are you doing about it?
President Morty: Jack shit; I’m leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity, separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where he’s the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby... And I’m leaving it. That’s what makes me "evil", being sick of him. If you’ve ever been sick of him, you’ve been evil too.
Morty: ...Rick, did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you?
[Rick says nothing, but looks away ashamed.]
President Morty: There you go, kid. Now you’re Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on this side of the Curve.
Rick: Yes. Now everyone can shut up about it.
Morty: Wow, Rick. I feel a lot better having seen all that.
President Morty: Of course that's the case. In their minds, they're the underdog. And that's how they justify this.
[President Morty pulls up a montage of Ricks heaping abuses upon their Mortys within the Central Finite Curve]
Rick: ...Morty, I’m not responsible for every fucked up Rick out there.
President Morty: They literally ALL say that. They all have that excuse; it’s part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it’s so hard to be a genius." [Sigh] Couldn’t you just die?
Morty: Well, what are you doing about it?
President Morty: Jack shit; I’m leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity, separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where he’s the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby... And I’m leaving it. That’s what makes me "evil", being sick of him. If you’ve ever been sick of him, you’ve been evil too.
Morty: ...Rick, did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you?
[Rick says nothing, but looks away ashamed.]
President Morty: There you go, kid. Now you’re Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on this side of the Curve.
Original Jerry: You abandoned us.
Morty: ...I deserved that. But, you know, it...it improved you!
Original Jerry: Oh, am I cool enough for ya now? [Chuckle] Oh, well that was easy, it only cost me FUCKING EVERYTHING! [...] You came back and talked about us like we weren't even PEOPLE, Morty! And you bailed and left us to freeze! [...] YOUR MOM AND SISTER DIED, MORTY! [Sigh] And I moved on. From caring. And that is the best deal you will ever get. So take it.
Morty: Please don't go! If Rick comes back we can find you a new reality! A new Mom, a new Summer, a job!
Original Jerry: [Sigh] You don't get it kid. Except for this conversation my life is perfect. Rick was always right — everyone needs to let go.
Morty: ...I deserved that. But, you know, it...it improved you!
Original Jerry: Oh, am I cool enough for ya now? [Chuckle] Oh, well that was easy, it only cost me FUCKING EVERYTHING! [...] You came back and talked about us like we weren't even PEOPLE, Morty! And you bailed and left us to freeze! [...] YOUR MOM AND SISTER DIED, MORTY! [Sigh] And I moved on. From caring. And that is the best deal you will ever get. So take it.
Morty: Please don't go! If Rick comes back we can find you a new reality! A new Mom, a new Summer, a job!
Original Jerry: [Sigh] You don't get it kid. Except for this conversation my life is perfect. Rick was always right — everyone needs to let go.
— Rick and Morty, "Solaricks"
Rick Prime: Listen, Rick to Rick. [Evil Morty]'s got the weapon plans. Buddy! Nip this in the bud! He's 14! What's gonna happen the next time he gets mad at Grandpa? [C-137 punches him and he laughs] Let's do this, then! [C-137 starts beating him] You're welcome, by the way! I made you! I showed you infinity! And what did you do with it?! Hang out with my grandson?! Raise echoes of my daughter?! What's your life without me?!
Rick C-137: Let's find out. [Keeps beating Prime until his face is mangled beyond recognition]
Rick Prime: [choked laughter] Admit it! You would have been me! I just walked into your garage before you walked into mine! But eventually, you did! YOU LIVED IN MY HOUSE! [laughs, gurgling on his own blood, before falling silent as the beating continues]
Rick C-137: Let's find out. [Keeps beating Prime until his face is mangled beyond recognition]
Rick Prime: [choked laughter] Admit it! You would have been me! I just walked into your garage before you walked into mine! But eventually, you did! YOU LIVED IN MY HOUSE! [laughs, gurgling on his own blood, before falling silent as the beating continues]
Aku: I'm sorry, old man, I think you're lost.
The Scotsman: I ain't lost, yeh tree-ogre! I might be old, but I've lived long enough t' see the world rise against yer tyranny. Admit it, yeh big oaf! You're'scared! The Samurai is still out there, inspirin' people by the thousands! After all these years, you're powerless against him! You've been shiverin' like a wee baby hidin' in yer crib, afraid to show yerself, 'cause you know he's out there, and you can't do anything about it! [gives a hearty guffaw] You're just a big baby! Why don't you go cry to yer mama— [Aku proceeds to vaporize the Scotsman with his laser eyes]
The Scotsman: I ain't lost, yeh tree-ogre! I might be old, but I've lived long enough t' see the world rise against yer tyranny. Admit it, yeh big oaf! You're'scared! The Samurai is still out there, inspirin' people by the thousands! After all these years, you're powerless against him! You've been shiverin' like a wee baby hidin' in yer crib, afraid to show yerself, 'cause you know he's out there, and you can't do anything about it! [gives a hearty guffaw] You're just a big baby! Why don't you go cry to yer mama— [Aku proceeds to vaporize the Scotsman with his laser eyes]
— Samurai Jack, "XCVI"
Double Trouble: You know, it took me a while, but I finally figured out your character. [morphs into Catra] You try so hard to play the big, bad villain, but your heart's never been in it, has it?
Catra: Wh-what are you...? Stop! Stop it.
Double Trouble: People have hurt you, haven't they? [morphs into Shadow Weaver] They didn't believe in you. [morphs into Hordak] They didn't trust you. [morphs into Adora] Didn't need you. Left you. [morphs back to normal] But did you ever stop to think, maybe they're not the problem? [morphs into Scorpia] It's you. You drive them away, wildcat.
Catra: Wh-what are you...? Stop! Stop it.
Double Trouble: People have hurt you, haven't they? [morphs into Shadow Weaver] They didn't believe in you. [morphs into Hordak] They didn't trust you. [morphs into Adora] Didn't need you. Left you. [morphs back to normal] But did you ever stop to think, maybe they're not the problem? [morphs into Scorpia] It's you. You drive them away, wildcat.
Ned Flanders: Now, calm down, Ned-dily-diddly-diddly-diddly... They did their best, shoddily-iddly-iddly-diddly... Gotta be nice, hostily-iddly-diddly-diddly— AW, HELL-DIDDLY-DING-DONG-CRAP! CAN'T YOU MORONS DO ANYTHING RIGHT!?
[everyone gasps]
Marge: Ned, we meant well! And everyone here tried their best!
Ned Flanders: Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have goooood intentions!
Bart: Hey, back off, man!
Ned Flanders: Oooooh, okay, duuude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, maaan! Here's a catchphrase you'd better learn for your adult years! "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?!"
[everyone gasps again]
Bart: I am shocked and appalled.
Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
Ned Flanders: Oooh, do I hear the sound of butting in!? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to a question no-one asked!
Chief Wiggum: [laughing]
Ned Flanders: What do we have here, the long, flabby arm of the law!? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!
Krusty: "Mallomars." Oh, that's goin' in the act!
Ned Flanders: Hohoh, yeah, the CLOWN! The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh! And as for you, [pointing at Lenny] I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?
Ned Flanders: [to Moe] You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... Um... What was the third thing you said?
Ned Flanders: [to Milhouse] What're you lookin' at, four-eyes?!
Milhouse: But... but you wear glasses, too!
Ned Flanders: Homer... You are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer Simpson: ...Hey, I got off pretty easy!
[everyone gasps]
Marge: Ned, we meant well! And everyone here tried their best!
Ned Flanders: Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have goooood intentions!
Bart: Hey, back off, man!
Ned Flanders: Oooooh, okay, duuude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, maaan! Here's a catchphrase you'd better learn for your adult years! "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?!"
[everyone gasps again]
Bart: I am shocked and appalled.
Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
Ned Flanders: Oooh, do I hear the sound of butting in!? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to a question no-one asked!
Chief Wiggum: [laughing]
Ned Flanders: What do we have here, the long, flabby arm of the law!? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!
Krusty: "Mallomars." Oh, that's goin' in the act!
Ned Flanders: Hohoh, yeah, the CLOWN! The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh! And as for you, [pointing at Lenny] I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?
Ned Flanders: [to Moe] You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... Um... What was the third thing you said?
Ned Flanders: [to Milhouse] What're you lookin' at, four-eyes?!
Milhouse: But... but you wear glasses, too!
Ned Flanders: Homer... You are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer Simpson: ...Hey, I got off pretty easy!
Frank Grimes: God, I've had to work hard every, day, of my life, and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?
Homer Simpson: What?
Frank: Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and [sniffs] lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? No!
Homer: What're you saying...?
Frank: I'm saying, you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people, like me! If you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.
Bart: He's got you there, Dad.
Frank: You're a fraud. A total fraud. [exits, but then goes back in, to the rest of the Simpsons] It was nice meeting you.
Homer Simpson: What?
Frank: Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and [sniffs] lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? No!
Homer: What're you saying...?
Frank: I'm saying, you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people, like me! If you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.
Bart: He's got you there, Dad.
Frank: You're a fraud. A total fraud. [exits, but then goes back in, to the rest of the Simpsons] It was nice meeting you.
"Jonesy really is a jerk! Hits on anything in a skirt! Jude thinks he's a dude! He doesn't have a clue! Caitlin wears a giant lemon! Thinks the shopping mall is heaven! And Jen? She's just plain rude! Nikki thinks she's tough! She can't even wake up! None of you were there for me! YOU SUCK!"
— Wyatt Williams rewriting a song about his friends after they failed to show up and see him preform, 6teen
James: You gave Sofia the trick shoes on purpose.
Amber: If I recall, you played a prank on her too.
James: What you did wasn't a prank — she needed those dance lessons. You're trying to ruin her ball, and I know why!
Amber: Because she doesn't belong here?
James: No! Because everyone likes her more than you! And after what you did today, so do I!
Amber: You don't mean that!
James: Yes... I... do.
Amber: If I recall, you played a prank on her too.
James: What you did wasn't a prank — she needed those dance lessons. You're trying to ruin her ball, and I know why!
Amber: Because she doesn't belong here?
James: No! Because everyone likes her more than you! And after what you did today, so do I!
Amber: You don't mean that!
James: Yes... I... do.
"Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up, but I have a great life and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up, because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan. But you're so high and mighty, you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You've got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls."
— Gary to Stan Marsh, South Park, "All About Mormons"
"Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends! But now I see why you don't have any friends! You just used ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser!"
Butters: [after Kyle tries calling him out] You just think you know everything, don't you, Kyle?! Every little thing you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well you don't know everything because [walks to Stan and points him out] your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about his image! [runs back inside the boys room, then turns around and runs to Cartman] You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school? You're all fake and stuck up, [moves over to Jimmy] and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! [moves over to Kenny] The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in]
Cartman: [after a few seconds' silence] Well. Apparently Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny? [Kenny glares at Cartman]
Butters: [barrels back out of the restroom and up to Cartman] And that's another thing! You're always trivializing everything I say by gettin' the last word! [Cartman is shocked] Well you're not gettin' the last word this time! [runs back into the restroom and locks the door again]
Cartman: [after a few seconds' silence] Well. Apparently Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny? [Kenny glares at Cartman]
Butters: [barrels back out of the restroom and up to Cartman] And that's another thing! You're always trivializing everything I say by gettin' the last word! [Cartman is shocked] Well you're not gettin' the last word this time! [runs back into the restroom and locks the door again]
Cartman: ...Wow.
Butters: [opens the door and looks out] Double wow!
Butters: [opens the door and looks out] Double wow!
"Well.... You did it. You took my one chance at happiness... and crushed it! Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-sized pieces! I really had expected better of you people. [starts crying] I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks. Thanks for nothing!"
Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB! I'm glad I've caught ya! I need you to get Mrs. Puff—
Spongebob: WAIT! DON'T TELL ME! You want me to run down to the store and buy Mrs. Puff something she doesn't need! Then you want me to run back here so you can say, [imitates Mr. Krabs] "Argh, Spongebob, you're spendin' all me money!" And then I'll say, "But Mr. Krabs, I'm only doing WHAT YOU SAID!" Then you'll say, "We're not talking about this [draws a triangle] or this [draws a square], we're talkin' about THISSSSS! [draws a ton of directionless squiggly lines]
Spongebob: WAIT! DON'T TELL ME! You want me to run down to the store and buy Mrs. Puff something she doesn't need! Then you want me to run back here so you can say, [imitates Mr. Krabs] "Argh, Spongebob, you're spendin' all me money!" And then I'll say, "But Mr. Krabs, I'm only doing WHAT YOU SAID!" Then you'll say, "We're not talking about this [draws a triangle] or this [draws a square], we're talkin' about THISSSSS! [draws a ton of directionless squiggly lines]
— Spongebob to Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob SquarePants, "Krusty Love"
Oh hear me, King,
For I must sing,
How you are the greatest at everything.
Like letting a dragon burn down our city,
A horrible sight that wasn't pretty
'Twas all your fault and 'tis a piiiity...
You were bad, you are to blame,
Now hang your kingly head in shame.
For I must sing,
How you are the greatest at everything.
Like letting a dragon burn down our city,
A horrible sight that wasn't pretty
'Twas all your fault and 'tis a piiiity...
You were bad, you are to blame,
Now hang your kingly head in shame.
— Squidly to King Krabs, SpongeBob SquarePants
Minister Tua: Ah, Grand Moff Tarkin. I am honored by your visit to Lothal.
Grand Moff Tarkin: [rolls eyes] My visit is hardly an honor, Minister.
Minister Tua: I admit I was surprised to learn you were coming.
Grand Moff Tarkin: And I, too, have been surprised by what's happening on your little backwater world.
Minister Tua: If you are referring to the insurgents, I—
Grand Moff Tarkin: In the absence of Governor Pryce, you have had a single, simple objective, Minister — to protect the Empire's industrial interest here. Interest which is vital to our expansion throughout the Outer Rim. But instead of protecting this interest, you have allowed a cell of insurgents to flourish right under your nose. Am I correct?
Minister Tua: [clears throat]
Grand Moff Tarkin: And, Agent Kallus. Have you just stood idly by while this rabble have attacked our men, destroyed our property and disrupted our trade?
Agent Kallus: I have exhausted every resource to capture them, sir. This group has proven quite elusive.
Minister Tua: It's said their leader is a Jedi.
Grand Moff Tarkin: Ah, yes, let us not forget the sudden appearance of a Jedi, as if leaping from the pages of ancient history. [regards the Inquisitor and adopts a sarcastic tone] A shame we don't have someone who specializes in dealing with them, otherwise our problem might be solved. [the Inquisitor scowls at the criticism — Tarkin rolls his eyes] Minister, have you ever met a Jedi?
Minister Tua: No, I—
Grand Moff Tarkin: I actually knew the Jedi; not from the pages of folklore or children's tales, but as flesh and blood. And do you know what happened to them?
Minister Tua: Well, there were rumors—
Grand Moff Tarkin: They died. Every last one of them. So you see, this criminal cannot be what he claims to be, and I shall prove it.
Grand Moff Tarkin: [rolls eyes] My visit is hardly an honor, Minister.
Minister Tua: I admit I was surprised to learn you were coming.
Grand Moff Tarkin: And I, too, have been surprised by what's happening on your little backwater world.
Minister Tua: If you are referring to the insurgents, I—
Grand Moff Tarkin: In the absence of Governor Pryce, you have had a single, simple objective, Minister — to protect the Empire's industrial interest here. Interest which is vital to our expansion throughout the Outer Rim. But instead of protecting this interest, you have allowed a cell of insurgents to flourish right under your nose. Am I correct?
Minister Tua: [clears throat]
Grand Moff Tarkin: And, Agent Kallus. Have you just stood idly by while this rabble have attacked our men, destroyed our property and disrupted our trade?
Agent Kallus: I have exhausted every resource to capture them, sir. This group has proven quite elusive.
Minister Tua: It's said their leader is a Jedi.
Grand Moff Tarkin: Ah, yes, let us not forget the sudden appearance of a Jedi, as if leaping from the pages of ancient history. [regards the Inquisitor and adopts a sarcastic tone] A shame we don't have someone who specializes in dealing with them, otherwise our problem might be solved. [the Inquisitor scowls at the criticism — Tarkin rolls his eyes] Minister, have you ever met a Jedi?
Minister Tua: No, I—
Grand Moff Tarkin: I actually knew the Jedi; not from the pages of folklore or children's tales, but as flesh and blood. And do you know what happened to them?
Minister Tua: Well, there were rumors—
Grand Moff Tarkin: They died. Every last one of them. So you see, this criminal cannot be what he claims to be, and I shall prove it.
Cyborg: Man, this is supposed to be a good thing! My own Tower! My own team! Why can't you just be happy for me?!
Robin: Because you're already on a team! My team! And you can't just quit!
Cyborg: I can, and I did! Which means I don't have to put up with you telling me what to do any more!
Robin: So now this is my fault?
Cyborg: It's not about you!
Robin: No! It's all about you! Because that's all you care about! You talk about being a man, but if you can turn your back on us after everything we've been through, you're nothing but a spoiled child!
Cyborg: I'm. Staying. I don't care what you say, I don't care what you do. And right now, I don't care if I ever see you again.
Robin: Because you're already on a team! My team! And you can't just quit!
Cyborg: I can, and I did! Which means I don't have to put up with you telling me what to do any more!
Robin: So now this is my fault?
Cyborg: It's not about you!
Robin: No! It's all about you! Because that's all you care about! You talk about being a man, but if you can turn your back on us after everything we've been through, you're nothing but a spoiled child!
Cyborg: I'm. Staying. I don't care what you say, I don't care what you do. And right now, I don't care if I ever see you again.
"Half! We stopped half, and only because we got lucky! Is that good enough for you?! Is it?! We're always one step behind! We act like a bunch of amateurs! How many times are we gonna get beaten before you guys wise up and realize this isn't a game?!"
"Not bad. I've seen worse. At least you're all clean. [...] It's not your fault, but your controller should scrap you and get engines like me. A fill of oil, a touch on the starter, and I'm off. No bother, no waiting. They have to fuss around you for hours before you're ready."
— Class 40 to the steam engines, Thomas & Friends, "Bowled Out"
"You're what's the matter! You're a complete waste of space! You have a personality that rivals spore mold! On the evolutionary chart, you rank someplace between head cheese and toaster ovens! You're a cruise to nowhere! A null! A void! A zero!"
— Montana Max to Elmyra, Tiny Toon Adventures
"That was my photograph! I cannot believe you! [...] You are nothing but a selfish, worthless waste of skunk! You, monsieur Pew, STINK!"
— Fifi, Tiny Toon Adventures
"What is wrong with you!? You nearly knocked me over! What do you do around here anyway, besides break stuff all day and cause trouble? You know you're the reason I'm leaving for vacation."
—Rick to Tom, The Tom and Jerry Show (2014), "Bringing Down the House"
"You really are mean! And all that bad stuff people say about you is true! Like how you're a two-faced, backstabbing, lying little— [censored]! I always told them they were wrong. I stood up for you, because I thought we were BFFs! But they're right! You really are a two-faced, backstabbing, lying little— [censored]! And guess what? I don't want to be BFFs anymore. I'd rather spend the day staring at Own's butt than go shopping with you! And P.S.: your shoes are tacky!
—Lindsay to Heather after finding out she'd been used all this time, Total Drama Island
Unicron: Who would speak to me?
Megatron: Your servant, most humble. Megatron, leader of the Decepticons, and your very herald, the one who wielded the Dark Energon which binds us to awaken you once again! The prophecy has been fulfilled! It is only the beginning of what we shall accomplish together, for you shall rule this planet and those who walk upon it through me!
Unicron: Prideful fool! How dare you think yourself capable of summoning my life force? I rise because I have deemed it my time!
Megatron: Master, I did not mean to overstep.
Unicron: Silence, worm! I have no need of your lowly assistance.
Megatron: Please, my lord! I exist only to serve you!
Unicron: What is this I sense? The taint of Primus? Here?
Megatron: That is Optimus, the last of the Primes, our sworn enemy.
Unicron: You profess loyalty to me, yet allow a disciple of Primus to live?!
Megatron: I will destroy him for you! His screams will be heard!
Unicron: I grow weary of your prattle. Surely if you had the power to destroy this Prime, you would have done so already. I will deal with him myself.
Megatron: Your servant, most humble. Megatron, leader of the Decepticons, and your very herald, the one who wielded the Dark Energon which binds us to awaken you once again! The prophecy has been fulfilled! It is only the beginning of what we shall accomplish together, for you shall rule this planet and those who walk upon it through me!
Unicron: Prideful fool! How dare you think yourself capable of summoning my life force? I rise because I have deemed it my time!
Megatron: Master, I did not mean to overstep.
Unicron: Silence, worm! I have no need of your lowly assistance.
Megatron: Please, my lord! I exist only to serve you!
Unicron: What is this I sense? The taint of Primus? Here?
Megatron: That is Optimus, the last of the Primes, our sworn enemy.
Unicron: You profess loyalty to me, yet allow a disciple of Primus to live?!
Megatron: I will destroy him for you! His screams will be heard!
Unicron: I grow weary of your prattle. Surely if you had the power to destroy this Prime, you would have done so already. I will deal with him myself.
Velma: I want you to remember this moment. For far too long, we have told girls that pain is beauty. Well today, you will see these painfully beautiful girls from "Damn" to "Eh..."
[Velma removes the sheet to reveal the girls in question, who remain completely unchanged]
Mayor Dave: Ooh, they are so hot, Daddy likey. Wait. You were supposed to do the opposite. What the hell, Velma?
Velma: Yeah. What the hell, girls? Where's the hair I wove onto your arms?
Olive: It's gone, Velma. This wasn't an exercise in deprogramming, it's an exercise in slut-shaming. No woman should ever have to change who she is or how she dresses to not be murdered.
Velma: But you're more than your looks, Olive. You can reverse your car without even looking at the camera.
Olive: I know, Velma, just like I know I love looking hot. You think every girl deep down is like you, but you're wrong. In fact, your definition of womanhood is even more restrictive than ours.
[Velma removes the sheet to reveal the girls in question, who remain completely unchanged]
Mayor Dave: Ooh, they are so hot, Daddy likey. Wait. You were supposed to do the opposite. What the hell, Velma?
Velma: Yeah. What the hell, girls? Where's the hair I wove onto your arms?
Olive: It's gone, Velma. This wasn't an exercise in deprogramming, it's an exercise in slut-shaming. No woman should ever have to change who she is or how she dresses to not be murdered.
Velma: But you're more than your looks, Olive. You can reverse your car without even looking at the camera.
Olive: I know, Velma, just like I know I love looking hot. You think every girl deep down is like you, but you're wrong. In fact, your definition of womanhood is even more restrictive than ours.
— Velma, "Velma Makes a List"
"Oh, give it up, Mol. You got nowhere to go but down. And you know why? Because you are a bad person. You don't know the first thing about duty, or honor, or friendship. You're just a cold-hearted mercenary bitch! I'm tired of spending my life chasing you."
— Brock Samson to Molotov Cocktease, The Venture Brothers, "Operation P.R.O.M."
Rusty Venture: Okay... so we scrap it?
Phantom Limb: Well, if they won't listen and be fair, I see no reason to continue.
Corporal Snoopy: It's not entirely us. We tried to listen, and they threw pens at me!
Red Mantle: I threw a pen at you. That was one pen!
Corporal Snoopy: How would you like it if I threw a pen at you?! [throws a pen, which misses Red Mantle and Dragoon] You like that?
Red Mantle: Nice throw, Sandy Koufax.
Brock Samson: Hey, want me to try? Won't be a pen.
Phantom Limb: Oh, oh, oh! See that? That's what I mean! They overreact to everything, see?
Rusty Venture: I get it. I suddenly get it: you're children.
[everyone looks at Rusty in shock and disbelief]
Rusty Venture: That's why my dad put you in the pool and made you duke it out. News flash: my dad was a shitty parent. When my boys cry about fairness, I remind them that fairness is the philosophical tooth fairy: there is no fairness! What did you guys come here for—
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Um?
Rusty Venture: Fine! Not "guys"! W-what did you children come here for? Look, you won't get everything, but you'll get something. Stop with this "fairness" crap and make some compromises. Then go home to your friends in their goofy costumes, and brag about how much you got 'em! Or you can go back and go, "Oh, we didn't get everything we wanted, so we got nothing because we're big babies!" What's it gonna be?
Phantom Limb: Well, if they won't listen and be fair, I see no reason to continue.
Corporal Snoopy: It's not entirely us. We tried to listen, and they threw pens at me!
Red Mantle: I threw a pen at you. That was one pen!
Corporal Snoopy: How would you like it if I threw a pen at you?! [throws a pen, which misses Red Mantle and Dragoon] You like that?
Red Mantle: Nice throw, Sandy Koufax.
Brock Samson: Hey, want me to try? Won't be a pen.
Phantom Limb: Oh, oh, oh! See that? That's what I mean! They overreact to everything, see?
Rusty Venture: I get it. I suddenly get it: you're children.
[everyone looks at Rusty in shock and disbelief]
Rusty Venture: That's why my dad put you in the pool and made you duke it out. News flash: my dad was a shitty parent. When my boys cry about fairness, I remind them that fairness is the philosophical tooth fairy: there is no fairness! What did you guys come here for—
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Um?
Rusty Venture: Fine! Not "guys"! W-what did you children come here for? Look, you won't get everything, but you'll get something. Stop with this "fairness" crap and make some compromises. Then go home to your friends in their goofy costumes, and brag about how much you got 'em! Or you can go back and go, "Oh, we didn't get everything we wanted, so we got nothing because we're big babies!" What's it gonna be?
"I have had enough! I will have you know, I gave you a gift! I complimented your ship! I even played you a song! All in the name of friendship! And you can't even be neighborly and make some small talk like 'Wow, thanks for the fruit basket... Wander, is it? That's an interesting name!' And I'd be all like, 'Well, yeah. I guess. Funny story, that's not really my—' But that's not important! What is important is, I'd like to believe that an enemy is a friend you haven't made yet! But after your rude and inconsiderate behavior today, I'm not sure I want... to be.... YOUR FRIEND! And I must admit, though it hurts to say it, I have to tell you, that I don't think you deserve... [slow-mo] AAAAAA FRUUUUUUIT BAAAAAASKEEEEEEET!"
— Wander, Wander over Yonder, "The Greater Hater"
"Yeah, you have a goofy haircut! [briefly stammers] And bad clothes, and you're afraid of your mommy! [sniggers] You're a ridiculous villain Tobey! You always have been!"
Tails Nine: What did you think would happen to me when you brought your friends back?
Sonic: We're all in this together, and I really think you'd grow to love them as much as I do!
Tails Nine: AND THAT'S EXACTLY YOUR PROBLEM! You just jump into situations with NO IDEA ABOUT THE OUTCOME!
Young Monkey King: (Sarcastically) Yeah, great seeing ya', bud. Just run off like you always do!
Young Macaque: — No, that's YOU! You're the one always running off! Looking for more power, more sources of immortality! YOU’RE the one who wouldn't quit while we were ahead! But the Great Sage, he's just gotta drag everyone else into his mess!!
Young Monkey King: You're not IN this mess, you're still free! Everything I did was for us!!
Young Macaque: You did it for yourself!! You've become like this — obsessive DEMON! (Sounding like he's on the verge of angry tears) I told you going against the Jade Emperor was a bad idea, but no. Wukong doesn't listen to anyone, he just does WHATEVER HE WANTS! You put yourself here. Not me. (crushes the peach and tosses it on the ground, before leaving through a shadow)
Young Monkey King: FINE! LEAVE! I don't want to see your face here again, you big — (growls in frustration)...I really wanted that peach.
Young Macaque: — No, that's YOU! You're the one always running off! Looking for more power, more sources of immortality! YOU’RE the one who wouldn't quit while we were ahead! But the Great Sage, he's just gotta drag everyone else into his mess!!
Young Monkey King: You're not IN this mess, you're still free! Everything I did was for us!!
Young Macaque: You did it for yourself!! You've become like this — obsessive DEMON! (Sounding like he's on the verge of angry tears) I told you going against the Jade Emperor was a bad idea, but no. Wukong doesn't listen to anyone, he just does WHATEVER HE WANTS! You put yourself here. Not me. (crushes the peach and tosses it on the ground, before leaving through a shadow)
Young Monkey King: FINE! LEAVE! I don't want to see your face here again, you big — (growls in frustration)...I really wanted that peach.
—Macaque to Monkey King, Monkie Kid
Lin: You know what? Go ahead. Walk away. You’re so selfish! You only care about yourself!
Monkey King: Well, no one else will!
Lin: Ugh!, ‘Cause you won’t let them! Someday, you really will end up all alone!
Monkey King: Well, no one else will!
Lin: Ugh!, ‘Cause you won’t let them! Someday, you really will end up all alone!
—Lin to Monkey King, The Monkey King
