Dear guy who just made my burrito:
Have you ever been to Earth?
On Earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
[...]
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
Have you ever been to Earth?
On Earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
[...]
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
—Tumblr user Intruding
Classic Sonic: I... absolutely can't take it anymore! You and your STUPID moron friends just keep pissing me off, one by one!
Modern Sonic: What...what are you trying to say?
Classic Sonic: ...I don't like you. I don't like your friends, and I don't like your future! You and your stupid misadventures have nearly gotten both of us killed, and I just can't take it anymore. You don't even keep your Tails from trying to rape mine! And that is just going WAY too far!
Modern Sonic: I... I had no idea, Mini Me.
Classic Sonic: And stop calling me that! It's Sonic! It's always been Sonic! And soon, IT'LL BE THE ONLY SONIC!
Modern Sonic: What...what are you trying to say?
Classic Sonic: ...I don't like you. I don't like your friends, and I don't like your future! You and your stupid misadventures have nearly gotten both of us killed, and I just can't take it anymore. You don't even keep your Tails from trying to rape mine! And that is just going WAY too far!
Modern Sonic: I... I had no idea, Mini Me.
Classic Sonic: And stop calling me that! It's Sonic! It's always been Sonic! And soon, IT'LL BE THE ONLY SONIC!
—Gentendo Poop #24
: The Paradox, Act 3 — Breaking Point
: The Paradox, Act 3 — Breaking PointRoger Goodell: I have had it UP TO HERE with you ruffians. and your bad behavior, and your bounties, and your Awful, AWFUL potty mouths. Your actions are giving our noble league a bad name!
Drew Brees: Oh eat a fat dick, Goodell.
Roger Goodell: EXCUSE ME?
Drew Brees Everyone knows DAMN well the reason why you made a big whiny stink over Bountygate. It was so when you get sued up the ass in that massive concussion lawsuit, you can create the false appearance that you give two craps about player safety. Meanwhile, you're desperately pushing for an 18 game season so that you and your fat cat owner buddies can make few extra million a year. And you don't give a DAMN that the wear and tear from these extra games will shorten players' careers and lifespans. So please, spare us your phony righteous indignation over our little chitchats. Take your Bountygate suspensions and your moralistic bullshit and shove them right up your ginger freckled ass.
Drew Brees: Oh eat a fat dick, Goodell.
Roger Goodell: EXCUSE ME?
Drew Brees Everyone knows DAMN well the reason why you made a big whiny stink over Bountygate. It was so when you get sued up the ass in that massive concussion lawsuit, you can create the false appearance that you give two craps about player safety. Meanwhile, you're desperately pushing for an 18 game season so that you and your fat cat owner buddies can make few extra million a year. And you don't give a DAMN that the wear and tear from these extra games will shorten players' careers and lifespans. So please, spare us your phony righteous indignation over our little chitchats. Take your Bountygate suspensions and your moralistic bullshit and shove them right up your ginger freckled ass.
Kids, you're not important! You're not cool! You're dumb! No one likes you! You have a problem learning how to read! If that makes you feel uncomfortable, that's too bad! So what do you do? First, you drink liquor! Then, you touch a police officer!
That's your first problem. You think I want you kneeling before me? What's worse: that you think I'm a monster, or that you don't realize you think I'm a monster? Why would I want people worshipping me? Is that what you would want out of your lives? Do you prefer equal, loving relationships, or for people to grovel before you with fear and reverence? Because let me tell you, that gets old really fast. Every dictator who foolishly desired such power ended up being some of the loneliest people to ever live. Christians, Muslims, there's billions of you now. Billions! And you have so much fear. "God-fearing" is an actual phrase now, and it’s supposed to be a good thing. Is that what you think I want? Fear? Sabrina, Marcus, both of you actually believed that I send people to Hell to be tortured. Tortured!
—God, DarkMatter2525, "The Greater Insult"
"Dick Richards: Alright, I was trying to do this the nice way, but, now I'll just spell it out for you dumb-dumbs. In the face of the unstoppable juggernaut that is The MCU, you are nothing. The only reason you have a movie franchise in the first place was because of the good will created by the 90's cartoon show. The last time you guys were relevant, MySpace was a thing. Out of 12 films, you've only managed to create 3 and a half good ones. That's a lower ratio than Scott's screen time in X-Men 3.
Wolverine: HEH!
Cyclops: Ow!
Rogue: Now listen here, sugar. The X-Men are a multi-billion dollar franchise.
Dick: The MCU churns out multi-billion dollar MOVIES! Endgame, alone has made a third of your entire box office.
(Box office earnings from Endgame fall onto Dick)
Dick: Endgame alone has made half of your entire box office. And you wanna talk about Household Names? You guys had some of the most popular characters of all-time and you royally screwed the pooch with them. Meanwhile, all the MCU had was Marvel's leftovers, and we made them into gold shitting machines. I mean, we made a talking (bleep) raccoon into a household name, for God sakes! We don't need you!
Wolverine: HEH!
Cyclops: Ow!
Rogue: Now listen here, sugar. The X-Men are a multi-billion dollar franchise.
Dick: The MCU churns out multi-billion dollar MOVIES! Endgame, alone has made a third of your entire box office.
(Box office earnings from Endgame fall onto Dick)
Dick: Endgame alone has made half of your entire box office. And you wanna talk about Household Names? You guys had some of the most popular characters of all-time and you royally screwed the pooch with them. Meanwhile, all the MCU had was Marvel's leftovers, and we made them into gold shitting machines. I mean, we made a talking (bleep) raccoon into a household name, for God sakes! We don't need you!
—The Warp Zone, The XMen Try Joining The MCU
You see, Vegeta, you sit there and brag about how the Saiyans are the mightiest warriors in all the universe. How they are the most ruthless. Well, look at where they are now: DEAD! You talk about your legend, and your warrior race, and your pride, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN A DAMN THING TO THIS MAN! Because the name's Recoome... And it rhymes with doom... And you're gonna be hurting.... ALL! TOO! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAH!
—Recoome, Dragon Ball Z Abridged
Cell: You. Can't. Hit me.
Trunks: Then what do you call the last five minutes?!
Cell: Pity. (effortlessly evades Trunks' followup attacks)
Trunks: Why?! How?!
Cell: Because you're green! (...) No, not like me, you idiot. As in you’re a novice! An amateur! You're surrounded by fighters who have seen more action in a week than you’ve seen your entire life! Hell, at your age, Goku had defeated an entire army, several demons, and sent a rabbit to the Moon!
Trunks: Did... did you make that last one up?
Cell: And the worst part of it all: that form isn't even new! Watch: (Cell bulks up exactly like Trunks) Look at me! I'm Trunks! Please love me, Daaaaaad! (returns to normal) See? Anyone can do it. (...) For God's sake, I bet even your father could do it. He just isn't stupid enough to try! And as we've seen today... that threshold is vast. Now, how about you come on down, stop using that useless form, and quit wasting everyone's time. (Trunks gives up and lands, powering down) Jeez, I can't tell which is more shattered: your father's body or your spirit.
Trunks: Just get it over with and kill me already.
Cell: Whoa, and spirit it is! Seriously, bucko, way to bring down the mood....
Trunks: Then what do you call the last five minutes?!
Cell: Pity. (effortlessly evades Trunks' followup attacks)
Trunks: Why?! How?!
Cell: Because you're green! (...) No, not like me, you idiot. As in you’re a novice! An amateur! You're surrounded by fighters who have seen more action in a week than you’ve seen your entire life! Hell, at your age, Goku had defeated an entire army, several demons, and sent a rabbit to the Moon!
Trunks: Did... did you make that last one up?
Cell: And the worst part of it all: that form isn't even new! Watch: (Cell bulks up exactly like Trunks) Look at me! I'm Trunks! Please love me, Daaaaaad! (returns to normal) See? Anyone can do it. (...) For God's sake, I bet even your father could do it. He just isn't stupid enough to try! And as we've seen today... that threshold is vast. Now, how about you come on down, stop using that useless form, and quit wasting everyone's time. (Trunks gives up and lands, powering down) Jeez, I can't tell which is more shattered: your father's body or your spirit.
Trunks: Just get it over with and kill me already.
Cell: Whoa, and spirit it is! Seriously, bucko, way to bring down the mood....
Mr. Satan: (after having released a torrent of insults against Cell) Now, what do ya hafta say to that?!
(Cells looks at him in utterly unimpressed silence)
Mr. Satan: (mockingly) Ooh, what's the matter? Satan got yer tongue?
Cell: Are you sure about this?
Mr. Satan: Speak up, bug boy!
Cell: You look like an extra from a budget porno flick. The kind where everyone gets tested afterwards. Even the cameraman.
Mr. Satan: Oh... Um, you're—
Cell: Did they find you in the subway? Were you homeless? Did you get your start in bum fights?
Mr. Satan: (starting to sweat) This is getting oddly personal...
Cell: Do you have any actual friends? Any relationships at all that aren't about your money or your position?
Mr. Satan: (meekly) ...I have a daughter...
Cell: Oh, that poor orphan.
(Cells looks at him in utterly unimpressed silence)
Mr. Satan: (mockingly) Ooh, what's the matter? Satan got yer tongue?
Cell: Are you sure about this?
Mr. Satan: Speak up, bug boy!
Cell: You look like an extra from a budget porno flick. The kind where everyone gets tested afterwards. Even the cameraman.
Mr. Satan: Oh... Um, you're—
Cell: Did they find you in the subway? Were you homeless? Did you get your start in bum fights?
Mr. Satan: (starting to sweat) This is getting oddly personal...
Cell: Do you have any actual friends? Any relationships at all that aren't about your money or your position?
Mr. Satan: (meekly) ...I have a daughter...
Cell: Oh, that poor orphan.
Gohan: P-Please! I take back what I said about my hidden power! I don't wanna fight you! This is my Dad's fight, not mine! So I'm begging you: just rein them in! Give my dad a Senzu Bean and—
Cell: And there it is!
Gohan: Huh?
Cell: That right there... that is why I despise you. You know what they all have in common? The Saiyans might be fools, the humans might be weak, and the Namekian might not belong... but they're still out there fighting. Not just for their lives, but for this dung hill of a world. But none of them, boy — not a one — shares that trait with you so vile, it drives me to retch! You, Gohan... are a coward.
Gohan: No... I'm just a pacifist!
Cell: So a coward patting himself on the back. Congratulations, pint-size, you can stand proud next to the bodies.
Cell: And there it is!
Gohan: Huh?
Cell: That right there... that is why I despise you. You know what they all have in common? The Saiyans might be fools, the humans might be weak, and the Namekian might not belong... but they're still out there fighting. Not just for their lives, but for this dung hill of a world. But none of them, boy — not a one — shares that trait with you so vile, it drives me to retch! You, Gohan... are a coward.
Gohan: No... I'm just a pacifist!
Cell: So a coward patting himself on the back. Congratulations, pint-size, you can stand proud next to the bodies.
Gohan. GROW. UP. You act like you are the only one suffering. But I believe that Trunks has some stories for you. And I can assume they all end with "And then he died too." And before you start whining about your father again — and I get it — take a moment to consider that my father made me a soulless killing machine to kill your father. And that doesn't even come close to the complete tragedy of fatherhood that is Vegeta. [...] Cell was right. You think you're better than everyone else. But there you stand: the good man doing nothing. And while evil triumphs, and your rigid pacifism crumbles into bloodstained dust, the only victory afforded to you is that you stuck true to your guns: You were a coward, to your last whimper. Of fear and love, I fear not that I will die, but that all I have come to love — the birds, and the things that are not birds — will perish with me. So please... Gohan... Stop holding back.
—Android 16, Dragon Ball Z Abridged
I owe a lot of people a lot of things. Most of them money, one an organ, one a live tiger. [...] But I don't owe you shit. You beat your kid and ignore your wife, and when you're not doing that, you're trying to start fights with people because of your screaming ego. You remind me of my dad, but at least he had the common courtesy to stay dead. So take your massive inferiority complex the hell off our beach and maybe I'll fight you again someday, when you stop acting like such a massive c*nt.
—Android 18 to Vegeta, Dragon ShortZ
Sword Maiden: I told you before about that time long ago... With the goblins... I've been terrified of them ever since. Even with all this power and fame and money, I can't get the one thing I truly want... Peace. I want to go to sleep ONCE and not relive that day... I just want to feel safe. And... I think... You... I think you could make me feel safe, Goblin Slayer...
Goblin Slayer: ...Hm. Pathetic. A waste of my time. You can turn into a cult-slaying kaiju monstrosity, and you ask for MY help? I do my job for the love of killing goblins, sure. But that's not the only reason. I do it because somewhere out there, a nameless village no one will remember might get burned to the ground if someone doesn't step in and kill some filthy goblins before they attack. So that a family with a name no one will remember gets to see another day with their loved ones. You have unlimited resources. You could have asked ANYONE in the world for help. You have the God of Justice on speed dial, and you're trying to guilt trip ME into living with you? If I'm not out there killing goblins, some innocent girl might suffer the same fate as you... Or worse. People might die because you lured us here, Sword Maiden. For your own selfish reasons. I can't believe Priestess looks up to you.
Sword Maiden: GOBLIN SLAYER, WAIT! I-I'M SORRY! PLEASE—
Goblin Slayer: Tell you what. When there are no more goblins left to kill, I'll kill the ones in your dreams. 'Til then... Be someone that Priestess can look up to. She can become so much more than... This.
Goblin Slayer: ...Hm. Pathetic. A waste of my time. You can turn into a cult-slaying kaiju monstrosity, and you ask for MY help? I do my job for the love of killing goblins, sure. But that's not the only reason. I do it because somewhere out there, a nameless village no one will remember might get burned to the ground if someone doesn't step in and kill some filthy goblins before they attack. So that a family with a name no one will remember gets to see another day with their loved ones. You have unlimited resources. You could have asked ANYONE in the world for help. You have the God of Justice on speed dial, and you're trying to guilt trip ME into living with you? If I'm not out there killing goblins, some innocent girl might suffer the same fate as you... Or worse. People might die because you lured us here, Sword Maiden. For your own selfish reasons. I can't believe Priestess looks up to you.
Sword Maiden: GOBLIN SLAYER, WAIT! I-I'M SORRY! PLEASE—
Goblin Slayer: Tell you what. When there are no more goblins left to kill, I'll kill the ones in your dreams. 'Til then... Be someone that Priestess can look up to. She can become so much more than... This.
Let me see if I can get the grand scheme here, Benjamin Button. The Jerries thought that if I purged all my souls, I wouldn't have my #LifeHack, and at least one of you could kill me. So when the very fine people of the Nazi military, those KKK-looking sons-of-bitches, and Alexander Motherfucking Anderson couldn't do the job, you thought you... You were the guy.
—Alucard to Walter, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Episode 10
Really though, what the fuck have you all become? Labour camps and sterilizations? Murder millions over bare superstition? Excommunication of actually loyal astartes? Have thousands of imperial planets and its valuable assets destroyed because some guy fapped with barbed wire and accidentally summoned daemon or two? Be painfully hypocritical and use xenos and daemonic weaponry and aid in order to carry across my will? Use techno-monkeys? [...] Just. Fucking. Stop. This organization, however it came to fucking be, is obviously pure, concentrated, whole-grain stupidity, and whoever came up with the idea to create it in the first place is obviously a fucking idiot. They walk around and do whatever they fucking feel like while laughing really snarky at the plebian communities they see before them. All while having themselves and all their troops ornate in loads of fucking shiny shit and skulls to look oh-so Emperor worshipping, when really they are just creeps in trench coats, and that is all they will ever be.
— The God-Emperor of Mankind, after hearing about the Inquisition's activities in the last ten thousand years, If the Emperor Had a Text-to-Speech Device
I can honestly understand why your sons betrayed you, with this callous attitude of yours. It's only gotten worse with the years! You do not want to sustain humanity you want humanity purged of all the flaws you see in it. You do not fight for humanity, you HATE humanity! And you want it changed into something distinctly non-human! You want an enforced belief to replace free thinking, you want obedience to replace mutual companionships, you want the lives of your people to be dedicated to NOTHING but servitude to your malicious, self-serving cause! And oh my, how painfully ironic it is that I tell you all this. This is the same rationale which you used to pave my path to your own brand of enlightenment. But, in the end, I saw in you the exact same oppressors that you sought to destroy. You may call me a hypocrite for having altered my worship, but it still preach the same word of love and prosperity just as I did back then, only in the name of gods I know for true watch over me. But you? Your arguments have run dry, your scapegoats have withered away, your secular galaxy CANNOT EXIST and you will never be able to fulfill your godless ambitions... And how do I know this? Because I know I am right.
—Uriah Olathaire to The God-Emperor of Mankind, If the Emperor Had a Podcast
This is not a tragedy. This was not a accident. This is what happens when you hand over your trust, your safety, your children to men who claim to be our guardians, but are, in reality, nothing more than men. Our academies' headmasters wield more power than most armies, and one was audacious enough to control both. They cling to this power in the name of peace and yet what do we have here? One nation's attempt at a synthetic army mercilessly torn apart by another's star pupil. What need would Atlas have for a soldier disguised as an innocent little girl? I don't think the Grimm can tell the difference. And what, I ask you, is Ozpin teaching his students? First a dismemberment and now this? Huntsmen and huntresses should carry themselves with honor and mercy, yet I have witnessed neither. Perhaps Ozpin felt as though defeating Atlas in the tournament would help people forget his colossal failure to protect Vale when the Grimm invaded its streets. Or perhaps this is his message to the tyrannical dictator who has occupied an unsuspecting kingdom with armed forces. Honestly, I haven't the slightest clue to who is right and who is wrong. But I know the existence of peace is fragile, and the leaders of our kingdoms conduct their business with iron gloves. As someone who hails from Mistral, I can assure you the situation there is...equally undesirable. Our kingdoms are at the brink of war and yet we, the citizens, are left in the dark. So I ask you, when the first shots are fired, who do you think you can trust?
A smaller, more honest soul. It's true that a simple spark can ignite hope, breathe fire into the hearts of the weary. The ability to derive strength from hope is undoubtedly mankind's greatest attribute... Which is why I will focus all of my power to snuff it out. How does it feel? Knowing that all of your time and effort has been for nothing? That your guardians have failed you? That everything you've built will be torn down before your very eyes? Your faith in mankind was not misplaced. When banded together, unified by a common enemy, they are a noticeable threat. But divide them, place doubt into their minds, and any semblance of power they once had will wash away. Of course, they won't realize it at first. Like you, they'll cling to their fleeting hope, their aspirations. But this is merely the first move. So you send your guardians. Your huntsmen and huntresses. And when they fail and you turn to your smaller soul, know that you send her to the same. Pitiful. Demise. This is the beginning of the end, Ozpin. And I can't wait to watch you burn.
—Salem. RWBY, "End of the Beginning"
Raven: I've stared death in the face over and over again and every time I've spat in that face and survived because I'm strong enough to do what others won't!
Yang: Oh, shut up! You don't know the first thing about strength! You turn your back on people, you run away when things get too hard, you put others in harm's way instead of yourself! You might be powerful... but that doesn't make you strong.
Yang: Oh, shut up! You don't know the first thing about strength! You turn your back on people, you run away when things get too hard, you put others in harm's way instead of yourself! You might be powerful... but that doesn't make you strong.
—RWBY, "Haven's Fate"
Cinder: [Holding Watts by the neck with her Grimm arm] What do you mean [Penny] will destroy herself?! How am I supposed to take her power if she's dead?!
Watts: You know, it's impressive that you haven't realized this yet, but I don't work for you.
[Cinder extends her Grimm arm to hold Watts over the edge of the skyscraper they're on]
Watts: Please, you can't just threaten me like everyone else!
Cinder: You think you're so clever, don't you, Arthur?
Watts: Salem sent you to bring me back.
Cinder: Salem isn't here right now, but I think we can still come up with a plan while she's pulling herself together. First, I'm going to watch you plummet to an unremarkable end. And then I'm going to burn a path directly to the vault, where I will wait to tear that magical puppet to pieces and take what is mine.
Watts: [Laughs] Oh, of course you are! Because that's just what you do, isn't it? And how has that worked out for you? You stormed into Fria's room, thinking you could take on Ironwood's top fighter and war machine. But you couldn't, and that machine became the Winter Maiden! Oh! And let's not forget your deal with Raven Branwen. Get all your enemies together in one place, so you'd have a shot at "revenge!" If only someone could've warned you against such a miserable idea. Oh, Wait! I did! But you pushed ahead, and you lost it all, when all you had to do was your job! You think you're entitled to everything just because you've suffered, but suffering. Isn't. Enough. You can't just be strong! You have to be smart! You can't just be deserving, you have to be worthy! But all you have ever been IS A BLOODY MIGRAINE!
Watts: You know, it's impressive that you haven't realized this yet, but I don't work for you.
[Cinder extends her Grimm arm to hold Watts over the edge of the skyscraper they're on]
Watts: Please, you can't just threaten me like everyone else!
Cinder: You think you're so clever, don't you, Arthur?
Watts: Salem sent you to bring me back.
Cinder: Salem isn't here right now, but I think we can still come up with a plan while she's pulling herself together. First, I'm going to watch you plummet to an unremarkable end. And then I'm going to burn a path directly to the vault, where I will wait to tear that magical puppet to pieces and take what is mine.
Watts: [Laughs] Oh, of course you are! Because that's just what you do, isn't it? And how has that worked out for you? You stormed into Fria's room, thinking you could take on Ironwood's top fighter and war machine. But you couldn't, and that machine became the Winter Maiden! Oh! And let's not forget your deal with Raven Branwen. Get all your enemies together in one place, so you'd have a shot at "revenge!" If only someone could've warned you against such a miserable idea. Oh, Wait! I did! But you pushed ahead, and you lost it all, when all you had to do was your job! You think you're entitled to everything just because you've suffered, but suffering. Isn't. Enough. You can't just be strong! You have to be smart! You can't just be deserving, you have to be worthy! But all you have ever been IS A BLOODY MIGRAINE!
Kirito: So let me see if I got this. You killed your wife because she wouldn't get in the kitchen and make you a sandwich?!
Grimlock: And what man would blame me?! Kains? Schmitt? You guys know what I'm talking about!
Kains: Don't... Don't talk to us, man.
Kirito: I can't believe you. You had something special. Something most people spend their whole lives looking for. And you just threw it away. And over what? A lousy meal? You never really loved her. You just wanted to possess her. You disgust me!
Grimlock: And what man would blame me?! Kains? Schmitt? You guys know what I'm talking about!
Kains: Don't... Don't talk to us, man.
Kirito: I can't believe you. You had something special. Something most people spend their whole lives looking for. And you just threw it away. And over what? A lousy meal? You never really loved her. You just wanted to possess her. You disgust me!
—Sword Art Online Abridged, Episode 6
You know something? I really hate people. They're selfish, ignorant, loud, obnoxious pricks, with basically no redeeming qualities whatsoever! I mean, really, look at all they've achieved: Genocide, global warming, reality TV; It's just a never-ending parade of failures and fuck-ups! They are, without question, a complete write-off as a species, and HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME CARE ABOUT THEM!!
—Kirito, Sword Art Online Abridged, Episode 8
Kayaba: Do you have any idea what's been like trying to lead you people?! You ignore all my strategies, you ADAMANTLY refuse to work together, and then you blame ME FOR ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS!!!
Mobster: Well, to be fair, sir, you're responsible for at least a few of them.
Kayaba: Ah, yes. I see your point. Although, and- and hear me out here, counterpoint...
[Kayaba opens his menu and kills the mobster as the latter screams in the distance]
Kayaba: You're dead... HA!!! (sighs) I tried, you know? LORD knows I tried. But there's just no helping you people. It's like you crave death! But not just any death! Nooooo! YOU fuckers seem to have some sort of pool going to see who can end their existence in the dumbest, most avoidable way possible! And you just keep one-upping each other! Do you know how many of you have died screaming "Leeroy Jenkins"?! More than zero. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is grounds to exterminate the SPECIES!
Mobster: Well, to be fair, sir, you're responsible for at least a few of them.
Kayaba: Ah, yes. I see your point. Although, and- and hear me out here, counterpoint...
[Kayaba opens his menu and kills the mobster as the latter screams in the distance]
Kayaba: You're dead... HA!!! (sighs) I tried, you know? LORD knows I tried. But there's just no helping you people. It's like you crave death! But not just any death! Nooooo! YOU fuckers seem to have some sort of pool going to see who can end their existence in the dumbest, most avoidable way possible! And you just keep one-upping each other! Do you know how many of you have died screaming "Leeroy Jenkins"?! More than zero. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is grounds to exterminate the SPECIES!
—Sword Art Online Abridged, Episode 11
"Hey! At least they had the guts to be here without a freakin' cheat code! They volunteered to be here. Even though they knew it could get them killed! Which is just a few magnitudes more than I can say about you."
—Kirito to Kayaba after the aforementioned rant, Sword Art Online Abridged, Episode 11
So Nivel-X, I heard you're a guy with quite the cred
Taking on monsters and bad guys and every other threat
Guess ya hoped as outsiders we'd just buy all the shit you said
But most of that reputation? Lies you told without turning red
You're no beloved ruler, just a loser no one likes
and you gotta force people to do what you want, yikes!
I mean if you wanna hang out with your friends, who do you call?
some random dudes, and for that you just pay them all?
[...]
You prefer just forcing people into slavery
which is one clear indicator for your lack of bravery!
You are so ridiculously scared of failure, it borders on obsession,
so to prevent any resistance, you laid down nation-wide oppression
but guess what, behind that spooky mask of Tyranny
Nippel-X is nothing more than just a crybaby!
Like Caillou, you're pretty much just a kid who's four,
and it seems like you forgot the part
where ya still gotta learn some more
Thinking you're hot shit, with bitches 'n riches 'n fame...
Now listen here boy, all that power you claim
to have? One thing it can't get you is some good' ol humility
(or, for that matter, help with your mental instability)
But don't worry 'bout the former,
here's some interesting Trivia:
We're motherfucking Kerberos, and we're 'boutta give it to ya!
Taking on monsters and bad guys and every other threat
Guess ya hoped as outsiders we'd just buy all the shit you said
But most of that reputation? Lies you told without turning red
You're no beloved ruler, just a loser no one likes
and you gotta force people to do what you want, yikes!
I mean if you wanna hang out with your friends, who do you call?
some random dudes, and for that you just pay them all?
[...]
You prefer just forcing people into slavery
which is one clear indicator for your lack of bravery!
You are so ridiculously scared of failure, it borders on obsession,
so to prevent any resistance, you laid down nation-wide oppression
but guess what, behind that spooky mask of Tyranny
Nippel-X is nothing more than just a crybaby!
Like Caillou, you're pretty much just a kid who's four,
and it seems like you forgot the part
where ya still gotta learn some more
Thinking you're hot shit, with bitches 'n riches 'n fame...
Now listen here boy, all that power you claim
to have? One thing it can't get you is some good' ol humility
(or, for that matter, help with your mental instability)
But don't worry 'bout the former,
here's some interesting Trivia:
We're motherfucking Kerberos, and we're 'boutta give it to ya!
—Starling delivering the reason why Nivel-X sucks in rap form, We Are Our Avatars
YOU. Why am I not surprised? Billions of people, just gone, and you just happen to be wandering around in the exact same outfit you had on twenty years ago. Just when you think he can't get any lower, ladies and gentlemen, the bottom keeps droppin' out for old Obi-Wan Ben-Larry Kenobi. You piece of shit! This ends today. Right here, right now. By way of physical beating.
—Darth Vader, Auralnauts Star Wars
A law to protect you from what? Having to accept the fact that some people want to live differently from you?
Sure you might think of it as a fantasy land, but it has literally NOTHING to do with you.
Why can't you just let people be happy? Why do you have to be such a nut gobbler? LET PEOPLE BE HAPPY.
Sure you might think of it as a fantasy land, but it has literally NOTHING to do with you.
Why can't you just let people be happy? Why do you have to be such a nut gobbler? LET PEOPLE BE HAPPY.
No one is forcing you to live in any fantasy land, you twit. All these people want is to be called the gender they are. The woman in this story has boobs and a vagina, thanks to her doctor, but you still won't call her a woman? Now who lives in a fantasy land?
You live in the fantasy land where you think you can decide someone else's life choices for them and they shouldn't be allowed to resist.
The kind of land you live in is one where a masculine looking woman, someone who developed into a female in the womb and grew up a woman, cannot identify as a woman because you think she might be trans.
What do you do? Pull down the pants of everyone you see to make sure their genitals match their face?
You're the toddler living in a word where everything has to be the way you want it to be and if it isn't, you're going to make up rules and tell your parents.
Wanting to be safe isn't living in a fantasy land. Being and feeling safe is a basic human right. Trans people are not a threat to you. The 3 percent of people who are trans don't even know you exist.
—A Disqus comment slamming a transphobic user on this Not Always Working story
Not Always Working storyTwo major reasons, first of all Gender Dysphoria is a legitimate and quantifiable medical condition with clear neurological markers. People afflicted by it are not living in a fantasy world where they are the opposite gender, in effect there brain is in fact the other gender but the body doesn't match properly with it. Frankly given how complicated the human body is and the sheer number of things that can go wrong we're lucky that this is a relatively common one instead of multiheaded babies. The surgery to correct this is gender reassignment surgery and while not a perfect solution it is the best option available.
Second off the surgery it would take to make you look like a tiger would be so invasive and dangerous it is basically impossible you would survive. Further more the damage to your mind because you do not actually believe you are a tiger in a human body, nor have any neurological structures to indicate as such would likely drive you to madness even if you did. What you are doing with this example is equivalent to comparing someone with a severe respiratory infection to yourself faking a cough and demanding the same medication.
—A different comment, slamming the same transphobic user, on the same story.
Ma'am, you have been warned. You've been abusive since the start of the call. It is not our fault that you wrongly decided cooking oil and engine oil were the same and added the wrong one to your machine. It is yours. I know for a fact that the oil cap has an imprint of the acceptable oil type. You chose to ignore it. Good luck with your mower, and good day.
— The submitter, Not Always Right, "A Slick Way To Lose Your Warranty"
"I'm going to make an announcement! Shadow the Hedgehog's a bitch-ass motherfucker! He pissed on my fucking wife! That's right, he took his hedgehog fucking quilly dick out and he pissed on my fucking wife, and he said his dick was "this big", and I said "That's disgusting!" So I'm making a call-out post on my Twitter-dot-com: Shadow the Hedgehog, you got a small dick, it's the size of this walnut except way smaller, and guess what, here's what my dong looks like! That's right, baby! All points! No quills! No pillows! Look at that, it looks like two balls in a bong! He fucked my wife, so guess what, I'm gonna fuck the Earth! That's right, this is what you get: my super laser piss!
— Dr. Eggman, Real-Time Fandub: Sonic Adventure 2
Dartz: Whether or not you chose to believe me, Atem, I bore witness to your deeds as the wulah of Egypt. I saw firsthand the cwuelty inflicted upon your peeapple!
Yami: No matter what you say, Dartz, I chose to believe that I was not this evil pharaoh you describe! Your memory is as corrupt as your soul!
Dartz: Naw, man. I don't even have to remember anything. Everything you've done since coming back from that day, it has poofed me wight!
Yami: I- what?
Dartz: Look at yourself! Look at everything you've done! You've got a second chance at wife! And how do you chose to spend it? Beating people in games you're already good at, and telling them how much they sook!
Yami: It's not my fault if they refuse to get good!
Dartz: I know you're wight, but what is your fault is the way you take your fwiends for gwanted. Or- Oh oh? Do you even think of them as your fwiewends?
Yami: Of course I-
Dartz: Oh, man, you can't even defend yourself! Not once have you taken the time to appreciate everything they've done for you, how patient they've been! You're too busy calling Twistan stoopid. Or Tea a sloot. Or insulting the person whose body you now inhabit.
Yami: Yugi...
Dartz: Oh, that's the truth, though, Phaowowoah. No Orichacamalos magic, no bullshit powahs. You're no hewo. You don't even deserve those fwiends you surround yourself with... and you certainly don't deserve to keep living in Yugay Mouto's body. Just give up. It's easier than finding the twuth.
Yami: No matter what you say, Dartz, I chose to believe that I was not this evil pharaoh you describe! Your memory is as corrupt as your soul!
Dartz: Naw, man. I don't even have to remember anything. Everything you've done since coming back from that day, it has poofed me wight!
Yami: I- what?
Dartz: Look at yourself! Look at everything you've done! You've got a second chance at wife! And how do you chose to spend it? Beating people in games you're already good at, and telling them how much they sook!
Yami: It's not my fault if they refuse to get good!
Dartz: I know you're wight, but what is your fault is the way you take your fwiends for gwanted. Or- Oh oh? Do you even think of them as your fwiewends?
Yami: Of course I-
Dartz: Oh, man, you can't even defend yourself! Not once have you taken the time to appreciate everything they've done for you, how patient they've been! You're too busy calling Twistan stoopid. Or Tea a sloot. Or insulting the person whose body you now inhabit.
Yami: Yugi...
Dartz: Oh, that's the truth, though, Phaowowoah. No Orichacamalos magic, no bullshit powahs. You're no hewo. You don't even deserve those fwiends you surround yourself with... and you certainly don't deserve to keep living in Yugay Mouto's body. Just give up. It's easier than finding the twuth.
Look. My time is money, so I'll keep this short. You're not here because we wanted you here. You're here because Jeffrey couldn't make it for his Cannibal Cooking segment. You might be some royal bigshot, but that doesn't mean shit to me. I'm too rich and too influential to give a flying FUCK about what some tux-wearing demon princess wants to advertise. So don't get cute with me, honey, or I will fucking. Bury you.
—Katie Killjoy to Charlie, Hazbin Hotel
Y'know, she protected me. And maybe I'm not a strong beefy dickhead, but Millie has the strength enough for both of us! You two are getting on her case about being hurt by a psychopath you hired?! Shaaaaame on you!
—Moxxie, Helluva Boss
Maud: That belongs to my sister, give it back.
Guy: Oh yeah, what you gonna do about it?
Maud: Nothing, you're a sleazy street grifter with obvious hormonal deficiencies who cons people out of things that bring them joy amidst this nightmarish imprisonment of flesh we call existence. There is nothing I can do that would make your life worse, you absolute abortion of a person.
Guy: Oh yeah, what you gonna do about it?
Maud: Nothing, you're a sleazy street grifter with obvious hormonal deficiencies who cons people out of things that bring them joy amidst this nightmarish imprisonment of flesh we call existence. There is nothing I can do that would make your life worse, you absolute abortion of a person.
—My Little Pony: Totally Legit Recap, "The Gift of the Maud Pie"
Can you legally drive, Jared? Do you eat sandwiches with the crust on, Jared? Do you enter a tournament and bring a plushie of Zelda to put on the setup, Jared? Our cause is just, Jared! Did you buy the weakest package from your internet provider on purpose, Jared? Are you listening to Nightcore Evanescence - Bring Me to Life, Jared? I don't know how old you are, but you're gonna go on Tinder one day and lie about your height, Jared.
—Alpharad bagging on a low-level Zelda player.
So first you cheat your way into a shot at stealing my inheritance, and now you have the gall to insult my father? Fuck you, you whiny, worthless little cheater. I'd call you a conceited asshole, but that would make the conceited assholes of the universe look bad. You keep hiding behind your wealth, but you’re nothing more than a common thief and a thug.
— Captain Steele to their rival, Trials in Tainted Space
Listen up you bimbo piece of shit, I am sick and fucking tired of being called a dumb cow or a big-titted whore. I did NOT sign up for this to be hooked up to a bunch of machines and pumped full of drugs until I could barely think, and then left to rot for days between some horny john coming in and using me. My contract said I was down to fuck, not to be whored out. And I am really sick of your shit-eating superior attitude, slut. You are NOT fucking better than me, and no amount of latex fetish-wear is ever gonna change that. Oh, no... you are the lowest form of life in this fucking universe; and even with all these gene mods, you’re a hell of a lot less human than I am. You had better thank your dear and fluffy lord I am getting the fuck OUT of here, because the next time I got my hands free, I was coming for your smug little bitch ass. And if you call me a cow again, so help me I will come down on you like the hand of God. Do. You. Get. Me?
—Reaha to her brothel madam after being bought by the MC and allowed to speak freely, Trials in Tainted Space
I think it has been a long time since anyone has pointed out to you that you are a fool. Pain doesn't make people. It's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential. It's love that saves them, and you would know that, but you have none around you. You said so yourself: you surround yourself with lies and deceptions. And I wish for you, in the future, to find someone who will mourn you when you are gone. Respectfully.
—Caduceus to Trent Ikithon, Critical Role
Sonic: You think you're fresh like me?
Robotnik: NO! I smell like SHIT! And soon you will too!
(rapping) Let me sum up why you're so lame!
You got no style, and terrible games!
Sonic: Let me sum up why I'm not lame—
Robotnik: Shut the fuck up, I'm talking!
Sonic: Huh?
Robotnik: You're turning thirty! You're over the hill!
Sellin' three-hour games for forty-dollar bills!
Who needs Metal Sonic when I got Metacritic!
To define your decline in detailed specifics!
You can't tell a story, you're too lazy to plan!
So instead of trying harder, (moons Sonic) you shit on your fans!
The movie was cringe, I had all the best scenes!
It only did well 'cause of COVID-19!
The battle's over! You're straight outta luck!
Beat THAT, hedgehog! (drops mic)
Sonic: Fuuuuck...!
Robotnik: NO! I smell like SHIT! And soon you will too!
(rapping) Let me sum up why you're so lame!
You got no style, and terrible games!
Sonic: Let me sum up why I'm not lame—
Robotnik: Shut the fuck up, I'm talking!
Sonic: Huh?
Robotnik: You're turning thirty! You're over the hill!
Sellin' three-hour games for forty-dollar bills!
Who needs Metal Sonic when I got Metacritic!
To define your decline in detailed specifics!
You can't tell a story, you're too lazy to plan!
So instead of trying harder, (moons Sonic) you shit on your fans!
The movie was cringe, I had all the best scenes!
It only did well 'cause of COVID-19!
The battle's over! You're straight outta luck!
Beat THAT, hedgehog! (drops mic)
Sonic: Fuuuuck...!
—Dr. Robotnik uses rap to verbally beat Sonic out of dating Sara, "Sonic Meets Friday Night Funkin' ~ Rap Battle Showdown" by MugiMikey
by MugiMikeyCustard: Risdio. Risdio Risdio Risdio. Take two deep breaths.... calm your tits.... Now, when have we ever given any indication that we, the eponymous Tropers, are moral, upstanding citizens? Nowhere! We commit crimes all the damn time and rarely even get punished! Just recently we robbed a bank and a jewelry store because we needed the money! And now you're railing on us for it and manipulating a childnote into parroting what you say? Why, you should be ashamed of yourself!
Risdio: I have never told Kat what to do or say, ever.
Custard: Yes, you have, just not blatantly. You have her repeating your exact same sentiments because you've made her completely trust you! She's a child, she's impressionable, and here you are assuming we're good people and influencing her! You are a terrible role model for child stars!
Risdio: I have never told Kat what to do or say, ever.
Custard: Yes, you have, just not blatantly. You have her repeating your exact same sentiments because you've made her completely trust you! She's a child, she's impressionable, and here you are assuming we're good people and influencing her! You are a terrible role model for child stars!
—Custard after Risdio critizises some of the Tropers over their immoral actions, Tropers: The Series, Season 7 Episode 14, "The Suite Life in Lunar Times"
I know why I'm in here. This is... This isn't worse than Exile. (laughs) This isn't worse than the exile... Because the thing is, in Exile, I thought you had all the power. I thought you were fucking dangling me like a little fuckin' puppet, man, and even though in here it's small, and I'm fucking– what was that sound?! — and I'm claustrophobic, and I hate this... Here's the thing, here's the thing, Dream, here's the thing I KNOW. (Beat, deep breath) [...] The revive-book, Dream... It's not real, is it? It's not fuckin' real. 'Cause all you do– All you do that I– SHUT THE FUCK UP — What I remember from exile, is that all you do is lie to me. And then you UNVEIL this BIG THING in this FINALE, that all the fuckin'– when we go down into your pit, here's what you tell me, you tell me, "Oh, oh, I was actually fuckin'... It was me that reorganized your beach party, it was me that blew up the Community House!" You are a clinical manipulator, a– a psychopath, if you will. [...] You're a liar, and really, through your Netherite armour and skin, I look at you, and you know what I see? I see a sad little man, who's insecure about the fact that this server has gotten so far ahead of him, and his only little glimpse of power in this world is gone. I see an insecure, sad little man. Alright? So fuck off.
— Tommy, to Dream, Dream SMP
None of you have ANY respect for me, AND I'M FED UP WITH IT! FORTY of my contestants left for someone they knew for, like, FIVE MINUTES! AND THE ONES THAT STAYED STEAL DONUT'S DIARY; YOU DON'T HELP ME OUT OF JAIL UNTIL I MAKE IT A CHALLENGE, and now, UGH, you're gonna throw a party for Profily IMMEDIATELY?! YOU NEVER DO THESE THINGS FOR ME, SO WE'RE GONNA MAKE THINGS SIMPLE! PROFILE IS OUT OF THE GAME!
—Four, to the remaining contestants, Battle for BFDI, episode 26, "The Hidden Contestant"
James: Look, all I want is an honest conversation about the pros and the cons of our relationship. (pulls out a piece of paper from Hammerspace) Pros: Photoshop. Pretty good. Cons: Premiere—it's shit. Media Encoder—shit. Dynamic link—Slow, and shit! And it breaks all the time!
Adobe: (rolls her eyes, sighs in disinterest)
James: ...unbelievable. And by the way, I can accept that your software is sometimes a little bit slow to open. So I minimize it. But every time I do, it just keeps popping up! God damn, can't you just be fucking normal?! You said that you would sort yourself out, change for the better, that you'd get multi-core support! Fuck me, you said that, like, ten years ago! But the worst thing is not the shitty new icons, or the jacking up the price, or the slow, choppy playback, or the line [when drawing] going spasticated, or the slew of new bugs EVERY. SINGLE. MAJOR. UPDATE. IT'S THAT YOU JUST! DON'T! LISTEN! FUUUUUCK!!!
Adobe: (rolls her eyes, sighs in disinterest)
James: ...unbelievable. And by the way, I can accept that your software is sometimes a little bit slow to open. So I minimize it. But every time I do, it just keeps popping up! God damn, can't you just be fucking normal?! You said that you would sort yourself out, change for the better, that you'd get multi-core support! Fuck me, you said that, like, ten years ago! But the worst thing is not the shitty new icons, or the jacking up the price, or the slow, choppy playback, or the line [when drawing] going spasticated, or the slew of new bugs EVERY. SINGLE. MAJOR. UPDATE. IT'S THAT YOU JUST! DON'T! LISTEN! FUUUUUCK!!!
Peter Soulless: (about the movie versions of Dr. Seuss stories) By having grown-up humor, we make it more adult. By modernizing the dialogue, we make it more timeless. And by changing the source material, we show how much we want to make it even better.
Nostalgia Critic: No. Every single thing you said, you got backwards. By having grown-up humor, you make it more childish. By modernizing the dialogue, you make it more dated. And by changing the source material, you show how much you don't respect what's already perfect. I'm not going to act like everything Seuss wrote was a masterpiece, but when he got it right, he got it right. They don't need to be updated, they don't need to be fixed, they don't even really need to have movies made about them. But if you're going to do it, the very least you can do is understand the source material.
Peter Soulless: Well, of course I understand the source material. They're just kids' books!
(The Critic rises to his feet)
Nostalgia Critic: No. They're not just simple kids' books. They're stories that we are continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories we will never forget, and for good reason. They're stories that helped shape our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings, and endearing morals. (clip of the movie is shown) And the idea of this... shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has the same name... just makes me sick to my stomach! Maybe these (makes "Air Quotes" with his fingers) "simple kids' books" are far more adult than you give them credit for. And I guarantee that'll show, when years later, both children and adults will still be reading these "simple kids books", while pandering bullshit like this disappears out of people's consciousness, also for good reason. Good art doesn't come from focus groups and statistics. It comes from people who share how they see things in their own unique way.
Evilina: Critic, I think I like your book better than I like the movie.
Nostalgia Critic: (smiles) So do I, kiddo. So do I.
Nostalgia Critic: No. Every single thing you said, you got backwards. By having grown-up humor, you make it more childish. By modernizing the dialogue, you make it more dated. And by changing the source material, you show how much you don't respect what's already perfect. I'm not going to act like everything Seuss wrote was a masterpiece, but when he got it right, he got it right. They don't need to be updated, they don't need to be fixed, they don't even really need to have movies made about them. But if you're going to do it, the very least you can do is understand the source material.
Peter Soulless: Well, of course I understand the source material. They're just kids' books!
(The Critic rises to his feet)
Nostalgia Critic: No. They're not just simple kids' books. They're stories that we are continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories we will never forget, and for good reason. They're stories that helped shape our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings, and endearing morals. (clip of the movie is shown) And the idea of this... shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has the same name... just makes me sick to my stomach! Maybe these (makes "Air Quotes" with his fingers) "simple kids' books" are far more adult than you give them credit for. And I guarantee that'll show, when years later, both children and adults will still be reading these "simple kids books", while pandering bullshit like this disappears out of people's consciousness, also for good reason. Good art doesn't come from focus groups and statistics. It comes from people who share how they see things in their own unique way.
Evilina: Critic, I think I like your book better than I like the movie.
Nostalgia Critic: (smiles) So do I, kiddo. So do I.
—The Nostalgia Critic, in his review of The Cat in the Hat
Amanda Waller: "Admit it, Rick, I was right."
Nostalgia Critic: (puts arm on Amanda's shoulder before she walks past him) "...Say that again."
Amanda Waller: "I was right, about the Suicide Squad."
Nostalgia Critic: "...You were, right?"
Amanda Waller: "Oh, yes."
Nostalgia Critic: "You... were... right... You were right? You were... that Enchant-Bitch out there. The one that's destroying the city. I'm sure you're aware of her! She was part of a team. A Super team. Am I correct?"
Amanda Waller: "...Yeah?"
Nostalgia Critic: "And there was a name, a name for this certain team if I recall that you gave it, correct?"
Amanda Waller: "...Yeah."
Nostalgia Critic: "And... what was the name of that team, again? The one you gave. I can't remember."
Amanda Waller: *Mumbles Quietly* "...Suicide Squad."
Nostalgia Critic: "What was it again?"
Amanda Waller: *Mumbles Louder* "Suicide Squad."
Nostalgia Critic: "Still didn't get it."
Amanda Waller: *Exasperatedly* "Suicide Squad."
Nostalgia Critic: "WAIT A MINUTE! THAT can't be it! Because she's part of the team 'You Were Right' About! So correct me if I'm wrong, but if this dream team was never put together, the one that 'You Were Right' About... NONE OF THIS BULLSHIT WOULD BE HAPPENING! I'd be in bed right now! It's almost like... all of this... is entirely YOUR GODDAMN FAULT! (quietly) ...Right? ...Right? (Normal voice) If you have the Suicide Squad, and she's part of the Suicide Squad, and she's got a Death Beam... her Death Beam nukes your Suicide Squad... I. Drink. Your. Milkshake! (SLURP!) I drink it up! THIS WAS STUPID! This whole idea was stupid! Even LEGO Batman said it was stupid; and that's a Kids Film! And if you thought I was going to sit here and let you say you were right like in the movie, you were freaking WRONG! Because I'm giving you the freak out you deserve! YOU FREAKING IDIOT!
Nostalgia Critic: (puts arm on Amanda's shoulder before she walks past him) "...Say that again."
Amanda Waller: "I was right, about the Suicide Squad."
Nostalgia Critic: "...You were, right?"
Amanda Waller: "Oh, yes."
Nostalgia Critic: "You... were... right... You were right? You were... that Enchant-Bitch out there. The one that's destroying the city. I'm sure you're aware of her! She was part of a team. A Super team. Am I correct?"
Amanda Waller: "...Yeah?"
Nostalgia Critic: "And there was a name, a name for this certain team if I recall that you gave it, correct?"
Amanda Waller: "...Yeah."
Nostalgia Critic: "And... what was the name of that team, again? The one you gave. I can't remember."
Amanda Waller: *Mumbles Quietly* "...Suicide Squad."
Nostalgia Critic: "What was it again?"
Amanda Waller: *Mumbles Louder* "Suicide Squad."
Nostalgia Critic: "Still didn't get it."
Amanda Waller: *Exasperatedly* "Suicide Squad."
Nostalgia Critic: "WAIT A MINUTE! THAT can't be it! Because she's part of the team 'You Were Right' About! So correct me if I'm wrong, but if this dream team was never put together, the one that 'You Were Right' About... NONE OF THIS BULLSHIT WOULD BE HAPPENING! I'd be in bed right now! It's almost like... all of this... is entirely YOUR GODDAMN FAULT! (quietly) ...Right? ...Right? (Normal voice) If you have the Suicide Squad, and she's part of the Suicide Squad, and she's got a Death Beam... her Death Beam nukes your Suicide Squad... I. Drink. Your. Milkshake! (SLURP!) I drink it up! THIS WAS STUPID! This whole idea was stupid! Even LEGO Batman said it was stupid; and that's a Kids Film! And if you thought I was going to sit here and let you say you were right like in the movie, you were freaking WRONG! Because I'm giving you the freak out you deserve! YOU FREAKING IDIOT!
— Nostalgia Critic, review of Suicide Squad
...You know, Jimmy?
While I can't say that you have never been responsible for helping out the town you also created or influenced the vast majority of major threats in the first place.
The Yolkians only came to Retroville because of your signal. The same goes for Meldar Prime. The Nanobots, Shirley, and Evil Jimmy were all your creations. You caused the ice age. You created the sentient pants. You made the sick patch, you turned your teacher into a fifty-foot monstrosity, and you injured Santa Claus, almost ruining Christmas.
The vast majority of this town's problems are caused, at least indirectly, by you. And you know what? In all honesty, that would be fine. You are very intelligent and you almost always do fix it, and in the end it's extremely unlikely that you won't end up benefiting the world a lot more than you will damage it. My children and my children's children are probably going to live in a world free of war and disease, and I'll have you to thank for that.
...But fuck, dude. You can't keep using your intelligence as a way to escape your humanity. I didn't ask you to say salt because I thought a customer would seriously care or because I was insecure, I did it because it made you look weird and I was trying to get you to adopt behaviors and use language that makes you come across like a normal fucking person.
Everyone knows what sodium chloride is, but calling it that outside the context of a chemistry class makes you seem like someone who defines themselves solely by their intelligence, which is undeniably who you are. I know you think that there's nothing wrong with being that person, dude, but there is. Taking your IQ and deciding that it elevates you above the rest of the planet is an awful decision that will lead to a life filled with misery and alienation. It will color every interaction you ever have and make it impossible to have real friends or relationships.
I’m not saying that you won’t have any. But they won’t hold any meaning to you, and they certainly won’t bring you any happiness. Sure, you’ll probably manage a pity-fuck or two your sophomore year of college after giving some drunk sorority girl a jetpack ride, but it’ll bring you nothing but emptiness. Maybe you’ll eventually abandon women altogether and decide that "your true love is science", secretly seething inside whenever you see a guy like Nick or Bolbi getting married to someone he really cares about, who cares about him.
You’ll say I'm exaggerating, but dude, look at how you treat the people in your life now. Carl and Sheen, quirks aside, really do see you as a friend, and they’d go through some serious shit if it meant helping you out of a scrape. Can you say that you see them the same way, as anything other than the only two kids your age willing to put up with your ridiculous ego? What have you ever done for them?
Inventing doesn't count, dude. Even when you build something for someone else, you’re really doing that for you. Every llama-bot or Ultra Lord simulator is only created with the expectation of further praise. They’re not friends to you. They’re worshippers.
And your parents? Lord, the way you treat them. You think I’ve got folks that care about me the way your mom and dad do, working in a shithole like this? I wish. Everyday your dad watches you scarf down the dinner your mom slaved to make for you and prays that you might think about spending some fucking time with him instead of disappearing into your lab to do god knows what. They watch you toy with dimensional-warping science that they can’t wrap their minds around on a daily basis and you laugh at them for worrying about you.
Have you ever played catch with your dad, Jimmy? Ever asked him how his day at work was? You don't have a clue what I'd do for a dad like yours in my life, dude.
What about your mom? Why not invent something that’ll make her life easier instead of gallivanting around the Bermuda Triangle to play with fucking seaweed? We both know the reason. She would thank you for it, she’d be happy to imagine a version of you that thought for an instant about the needs of another person, but she wouldn’t call you the greatest thing in the universe for it like your friends do. And in Neutron’s world, whoever doesn’t do that might as well not exist.
Ignore me if you want. Keep going the way you’re going, and I’ll see you in thirty years, lugging around sixteen Nobel prizes in your pockets as if they could substitute for a lifetime’s worth of human love and interaction. You’ve always mocked Calamitus for his inability to finish what he started, but the man had a wife and a daughter that tolerated him enough to want to stay in his life through everything, and at the rate you’re going I’d be amazed if you could manage the same with Goddard.
The rest of Retroville, Jimmy, they’ll never be able to do what you do. They’ll never be able to invent rockets or solve cold fusion or add three numbers together. But they will find genuine friendship and love, and they will call it salt, and despite everything you accomplish you’ll only be remembered as nothing more than the man who wouldn’t. Who couldn’t, perhaps.
Get out, dude. You’re fired. Big McThankies from McSpanky's.
While I can't say that you have never been responsible for helping out the town you also created or influenced the vast majority of major threats in the first place.
The Yolkians only came to Retroville because of your signal. The same goes for Meldar Prime. The Nanobots, Shirley, and Evil Jimmy were all your creations. You caused the ice age. You created the sentient pants. You made the sick patch, you turned your teacher into a fifty-foot monstrosity, and you injured Santa Claus, almost ruining Christmas.
The vast majority of this town's problems are caused, at least indirectly, by you. And you know what? In all honesty, that would be fine. You are very intelligent and you almost always do fix it, and in the end it's extremely unlikely that you won't end up benefiting the world a lot more than you will damage it. My children and my children's children are probably going to live in a world free of war and disease, and I'll have you to thank for that.
...But fuck, dude. You can't keep using your intelligence as a way to escape your humanity. I didn't ask you to say salt because I thought a customer would seriously care or because I was insecure, I did it because it made you look weird and I was trying to get you to adopt behaviors and use language that makes you come across like a normal fucking person.
Everyone knows what sodium chloride is, but calling it that outside the context of a chemistry class makes you seem like someone who defines themselves solely by their intelligence, which is undeniably who you are. I know you think that there's nothing wrong with being that person, dude, but there is. Taking your IQ and deciding that it elevates you above the rest of the planet is an awful decision that will lead to a life filled with misery and alienation. It will color every interaction you ever have and make it impossible to have real friends or relationships.
I’m not saying that you won’t have any. But they won’t hold any meaning to you, and they certainly won’t bring you any happiness. Sure, you’ll probably manage a pity-fuck or two your sophomore year of college after giving some drunk sorority girl a jetpack ride, but it’ll bring you nothing but emptiness. Maybe you’ll eventually abandon women altogether and decide that "your true love is science", secretly seething inside whenever you see a guy like Nick or Bolbi getting married to someone he really cares about, who cares about him.
You’ll say I'm exaggerating, but dude, look at how you treat the people in your life now. Carl and Sheen, quirks aside, really do see you as a friend, and they’d go through some serious shit if it meant helping you out of a scrape. Can you say that you see them the same way, as anything other than the only two kids your age willing to put up with your ridiculous ego? What have you ever done for them?
Inventing doesn't count, dude. Even when you build something for someone else, you’re really doing that for you. Every llama-bot or Ultra Lord simulator is only created with the expectation of further praise. They’re not friends to you. They’re worshippers.
And your parents? Lord, the way you treat them. You think I’ve got folks that care about me the way your mom and dad do, working in a shithole like this? I wish. Everyday your dad watches you scarf down the dinner your mom slaved to make for you and prays that you might think about spending some fucking time with him instead of disappearing into your lab to do god knows what. They watch you toy with dimensional-warping science that they can’t wrap their minds around on a daily basis and you laugh at them for worrying about you.
Have you ever played catch with your dad, Jimmy? Ever asked him how his day at work was? You don't have a clue what I'd do for a dad like yours in my life, dude.
What about your mom? Why not invent something that’ll make her life easier instead of gallivanting around the Bermuda Triangle to play with fucking seaweed? We both know the reason. She would thank you for it, she’d be happy to imagine a version of you that thought for an instant about the needs of another person, but she wouldn’t call you the greatest thing in the universe for it like your friends do. And in Neutron’s world, whoever doesn’t do that might as well not exist.
Ignore me if you want. Keep going the way you’re going, and I’ll see you in thirty years, lugging around sixteen Nobel prizes in your pockets as if they could substitute for a lifetime’s worth of human love and interaction. You’ve always mocked Calamitus for his inability to finish what he started, but the man had a wife and a daughter that tolerated him enough to want to stay in his life through everything, and at the rate you’re going I’d be amazed if you could manage the same with Goddard.
The rest of Retroville, Jimmy, they’ll never be able to do what you do. They’ll never be able to invent rockets or solve cold fusion or add three numbers together. But they will find genuine friendship and love, and they will call it salt, and despite everything you accomplish you’ll only be remembered as nothing more than the man who wouldn’t. Who couldn’t, perhaps.
Get out, dude. You’re fired. Big McThankies from McSpanky's.
— A copypasta deconstructing The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius and its titular character from the perspective of Skeet
deconstructing The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius and its titular character from the perspective of SkeetSquidward: Planning on ordering today, sir?
Customer: I'll have a Krabby Patty.
Squidward: How original.
Customer: And with extra onions.
Squidward: Daring today, aren't we?
Customer: Hey, Squidward? Shut the fuck up. I don't know what your problem is, man. I have thirty minutes for lunch and I'm spending them here. Alright? There's no one behind me in line, so what if I took an extra ten seconds to order? Who cares, man? You really are something else, you know that? Y-Y-You lash out at people, and why? Because you hate your job? News flash, asshole: Everyone hates their job! I work at the grocery store! I have to deal with bullshit all the time too! But I don't act like a sarcastic prick with customers! You know, Squidward, this town does not like you, and it's not because you're some kind of misunderstood artist or genius or we just don't get you. It's because you're mean. Alright? Look at SpongeBob. He works in front of a hot grill all day, and we all like him. And you know why? Because he's nice. He says hello to us. Look, man. I don't want to be this type of customer, you know? I don't like to start fights with folks, but, like... You can't do that, alright? And I'm not gonna call out Mr. Krabs or anything. I just wanna get my food and go. Please learn from this, alright? Thank you.
Customer: I'll have a Krabby Patty.
Squidward: How original.
Customer: And with extra onions.
Squidward: Daring today, aren't we?
Customer: Hey, Squidward? Shut the fuck up. I don't know what your problem is, man. I have thirty minutes for lunch and I'm spending them here. Alright? There's no one behind me in line, so what if I took an extra ten seconds to order? Who cares, man? You really are something else, you know that? Y-Y-You lash out at people, and why? Because you hate your job? News flash, asshole: Everyone hates their job! I work at the grocery store! I have to deal with bullshit all the time too! But I don't act like a sarcastic prick with customers! You know, Squidward, this town does not like you, and it's not because you're some kind of misunderstood artist or genius or we just don't get you. It's because you're mean. Alright? Look at SpongeBob. He works in front of a hot grill all day, and we all like him. And you know why? Because he's nice. He says hello to us. Look, man. I don't want to be this type of customer, you know? I don't like to start fights with folks, but, like... You can't do that, alright? And I'm not gonna call out Mr. Krabs or anything. I just wanna get my food and go. Please learn from this, alright? Thank you.
— A TikTok video deconstructing Squidward's behavior
deconstructing Squidward's behaviorThe outer sarcophagus must, at all times, receive broadcasts from four loudspeakers of at least two members of the O5 council giving live monologues of how awful SCP-100000-J is and why it will never, ever escape, destroy humanity, or find true love.
Your husband owns a clinic that offers to cure homosexuality for up to $10,000 a year. So when you, Representative Bachmann, refused to acknowledge the bullying of gay students in your district, this must have been strictly business. When another gay teenager commits suicide in Minnesota, you consider this free advertising. You buy a new necklace for every hanging, a bottle of Merlot for each overdose, your husband sends "thank you" cards to their funeral, hand-signed, all referrals welcomed. How could we expect you to take a stand against bullying when it helps pay for your mortgage, when it puts food in your children’s belly? One day, your youngest daughter will ask you why her school supplies feel like they belong to someone else, her pencils write names that are not hers: Samantha, Nick, Aaron, Kevin. Tell her the truth, Michelle! That blood money is not a metaphor, that your wallet is heavy with those who have untied themselves! Tell your daughter that God is the bully with the biggest fist and you can only hope that He is on your side!
—Sierra DeMulder, To Michelle Bachmann
A letter to the man standing on the corner holding the sign that said "God hates gays": Y'know I’ve never seen exactly who it is that you paperclip your knees, meld your hands together and pray to But I think I know what he looks like: I bet your God is about 5’10”. I bet he weighs 185. Probably stands the way a high school diploma does when it’s next to a GED. I bet your god has a mullet, I bet he wears flannel shirts with no sleeves, a fanny pack and says words like “getrdun.”I bet your god—I bet your god—I bet your god watches FOX news, Dog the Bounty Hunter, voted for Donald Trump, and loves Bill O’Reilly. I bet your god a politician, from Arizona. I bet his high school served racism in the cafeteria and offered “hate speech” as a second language. I bet he has a swastika inside of his throat, and racial slurs tattooed to his tongue just to make intolerance more comfortable in his mouth, I bet he has a burning cross as a middle finger and Jim Crow underneath his nails! Your god is a Confederate flag's wet dream, conceived on a day when the sky decided to slice her own wrists. I bet your god has a drinking problem! I bet he sees the bottom of the shot glass more often than his own children. I bet he pours whiskey on his dreams until they taste like good ideas. Probably cusses like an electric guitar with Tourette’s plugged into an ocean, I bet he yells like a schizophrenic nail gun, damaging all things that care about him enough to get close. I bet there are angels in Heaven with black eyes and broken halos who claimed they fell down the stairs. I bet your god would’ve made Eve without a mouth and taught her how to spread her legs like a magazine that she will never ever ever be pretty enough to be in. Sooner or later you will realize that you are praying to your own shadow, that you are standing in front of mirrors and are worshipping your own reflection. Your God stole my god’s identity. So next time you bend your knees, next time you bow your head, I want you to tell your god—that my god is looking for him.
—Rudy Francisco, Your God
Fuck. This teamnote has been managed by lolcows. Some of the players have been colossal lolcows, and they make knee-jerk decisions which are usually made by lolcows. They are, as a collective, a gigantic lolcow. Even when they try to cheat, they are unbelievably incompetent. This team is where players and coaches come to die. The city has become so radioactive to football players and coaches you would think it was Chernobyl!
And the sad part is? I don't think this is ending soon. Why? [Browns owner Jimmy Haslem], the lolcow version of Jerry Jones [owner of the Dallas Cowboys]. Say what you will about Jerry, the man helped to build a dynasty in the 1990's. What has Haslem accomplished? Scandals and corruption. He wanted to go in guns-a-blazing, and he did...nearly every single year. This man has been through more head coaches in his tenure than the [Pittsburgh] Steelers have in almost 50 years.
, they are unbelievably incompetent. This team is where players and coaches come to die. The city has become so radioactive to football players and coaches you would think it was Chernobyl!And the sad part is? I don't think this is ending soon. Why? [Browns owner Jimmy Haslem], the lolcow version of Jerry Jones [owner of the Dallas Cowboys]. Say what you will about Jerry, the man helped to build a dynasty in the 1990's. What has Haslem accomplished? Scandals
and corruption. He wanted to go in guns-a-blazing, and he did...nearly every single year. This man has been through more head coaches in his tenure than the [Pittsburgh] Steelers have in almost 50 years.I thought Freddie Kitchensnote was the worst head coach in the NFL this year. Looks like he's got some company down there.
It's no secret that Bill O'Briennote is a terrible head coach who is a burden on the teams he coaches, but today, oh today against the Chiefs, that was special. It was the ultimate buildup to a consensus I had reached after years of mismanagement and inept playcalling: Bill O'Brien is a hack.
Look at this scenario: the Kansas City Chiefs are all but dead in the water. They look horrible, they look sloppy, and Houston pounces to a 21-point lead by the end of the first quarter. The Texans are going down the field again, it's looking like a convincing rout. But there's one thing we should've known from the start: Bill O'Brien is a hack.
4th-and-inches at the Chiefs' 10-yard-line, go for it and put the dagger in their throats. What if the Chiefs wake up-nah, field goal is good. Look, I get the logic: it's early in the game, take the points. Here's the problem: the Texans defense is a butcher's row of first-round busts and injury-prone vets. Kansas City needs only three plays to score a touchdown. This shouldn't be a problem, but remember: Bill O'Brien is a hack.
Riddle me this, Bill: if you aren't going to go for it in Chiefs territory, then why the FUCK are you faking a punt on a fourth-and-four at your OWN FUCKING THIRTY?! You telegraphed it like you were Samuel Morse!! This play should have gotten Bill O'Brien fired on the SPOT. Not only giving them prime field position, but the Chiefs, yes, prove that Romeo Crennel note has let the game pass him by. Need another big turnover? Why not have the [kick returner] try to be a hero because what the fuck is discipline?note The Texans didn't just blow a 24-point-lead: they did it in 10 minutes.
Bill O'Brien is one of the main culprits responsible. Look at the terrible coaching he's done all year:
- Week 1 against the Saints: Deshaun Watson bails out terrible coaching yet again. So why not go into prevent defense when New Orleans only needs 10 yards for a field goal?
- Going into Carolina and getting stuffed by a defense that would later collapse in on itself.
- Taking a much-hyped game in Baltimore and turning it into a laugher.note
- Let's not even get into that whole match against Denver. If there's a prime example of Bill O'Brien being a terrible coach, this is it. They got wrecked by a quarterback making his second career start in one half. And you wanna know why? Because Bill O'Brien is a hack.
That's not even getting into the fact that Bill O'Brien failed upwards. He's a shitty coach? Let's give him complete control over football operations because our owner is a spineless fuck. What's his game plan in his limited time? Build the offense, fuck the defense. Jadeveon Clowneynote doesn't deserve to be paid, but who they need to? The maddeningly inconsistent Whitney Mercilus. Clowney gets to be traded [to Seattle] for pennies on the dollar. Would've been nice to solve the issues in the secondary, but that won't happen. Why? Because Bill O'Brien is a hack.
Everything is always excuses with this guy. All he talks about is how coaching is hard and he has to make the decisions that will be second-guessed by the public. Yes, Bill, coaching is hard. People like you make it a hell of a lot harder than it already is. Go on ahead and bitch at fans heckling the truth at you. I may suck, but at least it's as a random fan and not something I've been analyzing for years.
This calls for a hard-earned celebration: going for it on another fucking fourth down in your territory when everybody looks lost! A great leader rallies his men: you aren't one. You nearly cost the Texans a week earlier against the Bills with your idiotic decisions. But hey, here's Deshaun Watson saving your ass for the sixth time in the past two years!
Here is where I must note: I am not a Texans fan. I don't give a shit about them. What drives me up a wall is when talent is pissed away by incompetence in the executive branch. The Texans are only relevant because of the players on the field. Bill O'Brien has been holding this team back for years. And now Houston has its most brutal choke since 35-3. This is the kind of game you don't recover from. Talk to the Falcons how that's gone. Bill O'Brien needed to be fired before he set foot in the locker room...at halftime. It was that far gone.
Don't worry, Bill, nothing will happen to you. Ownership will keep you around because they want to clone the Patriots and would rather not do something that could change that. Way to waste another year of talent that constantly bailed your ass out, Bill. This game is your magnum opus of suck. Bravissimo.
It's no secret that Bill O'Briennote is a terrible head coach who is a burden on the teams he coaches, but today, oh today against the Chiefs, that was special. It was the ultimate buildup to a consensus I had reached after years of mismanagement and inept playcalling: Bill O'Brien is a hack.
Look at this scenario: the Kansas City Chiefs are all but dead in the water. They look horrible, they look sloppy, and Houston pounces to a 21-point lead by the end of the first quarter. The Texans are going down the field again, it's looking like a convincing rout. But there's one thing we should've known from the start: Bill O'Brien is a hack.
4th-and-inches at the Chiefs' 10-yard-line, go for it and put the dagger in their throats. What if the Chiefs wake up-nah, field goal is good. Look, I get the logic: it's early in the game, take the points. Here's the problem: the Texans defense is a butcher's row of first-round busts and injury-prone vets. Kansas City needs only three plays to score a touchdown. This shouldn't be a problem, but remember: Bill O'Brien is a hack.
Riddle me this, Bill: if you aren't going to go for it in Chiefs territory, then why the FUCK are you faking a punt on a fourth-and-four at your OWN FUCKING THIRTY?! You telegraphed it like you were Samuel Morse!! This play should have gotten Bill O'Brien fired on the SPOT. Not only giving them prime field position, but the Chiefs, yes, prove that Romeo Crennel note has let the game pass him by. Need another big turnover? Why not have the [kick returner] try to be a hero because what the fuck is discipline?note The Texans didn't just blow a 24-point-lead: they did it in 10 minutes.
Bill O'Brien is one of the main culprits responsible. Look at the terrible coaching he's done all year:
- Week 1 against the Saints: Deshaun Watson bails out terrible coaching yet again. So why not go into prevent defense when New Orleans only needs 10 yards for a field goal?
- Going into Carolina and getting stuffed by a defense that would later collapse in on itself.
- Taking a much-hyped game in Baltimore and turning it into a laugher.note
- Let's not even get into that whole match against Denver. If there's a prime example of Bill O'Brien being a terrible coach, this is it. They got wrecked by a quarterback making his second career start in one half. And you wanna know why? Because Bill O'Brien is a hack.
That's not even getting into the fact that Bill O'Brien failed upwards. He's a shitty coach? Let's give him complete control over football operations because our owner is a spineless fuck. What's his game plan in his limited time? Build the offense, fuck the defense. Jadeveon Clowneynote doesn't deserve to be paid, but who they need to? The maddeningly inconsistent Whitney Mercilus. Clowney gets to be traded [to Seattle] for pennies on the dollar. Would've been nice to solve the issues in the secondary, but that won't happen. Why? Because Bill O'Brien is a hack.
Everything is always excuses with this guy. All he talks about is how coaching is hard and he has to make the decisions that will be second-guessed by the public. Yes, Bill, coaching is hard. People like you make it a hell of a lot harder than it already is. Go on ahead and bitch at fans heckling the truth at you.
I may suck, but at least it's as a random fan and not something I've been analyzing for years.This calls for a hard-earned celebration: going for it on another fucking fourth down in your territory when everybody looks lost! A great leader rallies his men: you aren't one. You nearly cost the Texans a week earlier against the Bills with your idiotic decisions. But hey, here's Deshaun Watson saving your ass for the sixth time in the past two years!
Here is where I must note: I am not a Texans fan. I don't give a shit about them. What drives me up a wall is when talent is pissed away by incompetence in the executive branch. The Texans are only relevant because of the players on the field. Bill O'Brien has been holding this team back for years. And now Houston has its most brutal choke since 35-3
. This is the kind of game you don't recover from. Talk to the Falcons how that's gone. Bill O'Brien needed to be fired before he set foot in the locker room...at halftime. It was that far gone.Don't worry, Bill, nothing will happen to you. Ownership will keep you around because they want to clone the Patriots and would rather not do something that could change that. Way to waste another year of talent that constantly bailed your ass out, Bill. This game is your magnum opus of suck. Bravissimo.
You know, I wanted younote dead when you blew one 15-point lead in the 4th quarter, but to shit the bed in such a fashion IN CONSECUTIVE WEEKS?! What in the literal fuck? WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, MARINE?! Do you have a fetish for getting shit on, or something? You're trying to make OBJ into a prude? Another game with an over 99 percent chance of winning and you choke on the air AGAIN? The Falcons wanna make the same fuckups in the 4th quarter, well, they can be our Lolcow of the Week again!
Every week this shit keeps going on is a failure on Arthur Blanknote . His refusal to make necessary changes when they need to be makes him look weak and afraid of change. And guess what happens when you don't change? The league eats you for fucking breakfast!
Dan Quinnnote should've been fired last year! Dimitroffnote should've been fired years earlier! You can't just fire random assistants and pretend shit's gonna change! PERIOD! You've earned these epic chokes! Stop wasting all your talent and let them go to teams that give a shit already!
15-point lead in the 4th quarter, but to shit the bed in such a fashion IN CONSECUTIVE WEEKS?! What in the literal fuck? WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, MARINE?! Do you have a fetish for getting shit on, or something? You're trying to make OBJ into a prude? Another game with an over 99 percent chance of winning and you choke on the air AGAIN? The Falcons wanna make the same fuckups in the 4th quarter, well, they can be our Lolcow of the Week again!Every week this shit keeps going on is a failure on Arthur Blanknote . His refusal to make necessary changes when they need to be makes him look weak and afraid of change. And guess what happens when you don't change? The league eats you for fucking breakfast!
Dan Quinnnote should've been fired last year! Dimitroffnote should've been fired years earlier! You can't just fire random assistants and pretend shit's gonna change! PERIOD! You've earned these epic chokes! Stop wasting all your talent and let them go to teams that give a shit already!
Max: It's been a long time, Mickey.
Mickey: Goofy... is that... is that you?
Max: All that's left of him... all that you left of him.
Mickey: Wait... is that... Max? What are you doing here? What did you do to Donald?!
Max: Me? What did I do to him? How can you be so arrogant? I didn't do anything to him! He did it. You did it.
Mickey: Why?
Max: Why why why? Because you took everything from me. Because you are a selfish monster, and in his final moments, Donald saw that. I opened his eyes.
[...]
Mickey: But Donald... he was innocent.
Max: But you aren't. This is the only way to make you understand my pain. You had to know... you had to know what it feels like to lose everything. And now you do.
Mickey: Goofy... is that... is that you?
Max: All that's left of him... all that you left of him.
Mickey: Wait... is that... Max? What are you doing here? What did you do to Donald?!
Max: Me? What did I do to him? How can you be so arrogant? I didn't do anything to him! He did it. You did it.
Mickey: Why?
Max: Why why why? Because you took everything from me. Because you are a selfish monster, and in his final moments, Donald saw that. I opened his eyes.
[...]
Mickey: But Donald... he was innocent.
Max: But you aren't. This is the only way to make you understand my pain. You had to know... you had to know what it feels like to lose everything. And now you do.
Feel free to follow along with my simple step-by-step instructions. I make drawing... (mumbles) Okay, (he quickly draws a proper sketch of a star) first, draw a star... for a star. Then DRAW A FREAKIN' STAR!! JUST DRAW A STAR! IT'S LIKE THE EASIEST SHAPE TO DRAW, MAN! EVERYBODY LEARNS HOW TO DRAW STARS WHEN THEY'RE LIKE THREE YEARS OLD! BABY TOYS ARE COVERED IN STARS, BECAUSE IT'S A SHAPE THAT BABIES CAN UNDERSTAND! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? NEXT TIME, SHAVE YOUR LEGS BEFORE YOU PAINT THEM WHITE!
—Strong Bad after seeing one too many poorly made Homestar Runner fan costumes, Homestar Runner Fan Costumes 2016
All the proceeds for this stream will go to Mermaids, a charity which works to provide resources and support to young people with gender dysphoria. [...] I chose Mermaids in specific because when they were designated some funding by the National Lottery, Graham Linehan — a comedy writer who did some work on a good show, uh... twenty years ago? — who happens to be a very normal man who's just very angry about trans people all day nowadays, went on Mumsnet, and told them to email a lady from the National Lottery en masse, and now the funding is under review. So, well done, Graham! You have a MASSIVE audience, and the power to choose to fight for progress in all the many forms we need in the world right now, and you used it to make sure some children won't have access to helpful resources. Well, not really, they're probably still gonna GET the funding, once the National Lottery realizes the outrage they received was a celebrity deliberately telling Mumsnetters to e-mail poor Dawn thousands of fake, copy-pasted sockpuppet e-mails of quote unquote "concern". And on top of that, now TONS more people know about Mermaids and want to support them just to spite you! Good job raising awareness for a charity, genius! PLEASE talk loudly and angrily about more people who need support! You fucking trash man! You piss boy! You prodigious buffoon!
"Am I the only one who likes Sonic Unleashed? Am I the only one who likes Sonic and the Black Knight?" YES! You! You are the only one… on planet Earth… who likes this video game! Are you proud of yourself? Do you want a medal? A certificate? Perhaps a trophy? Congratulations, YOU LIKE A VIDEO GAME! I do not care about what fucking electronic game based off of my mug that you like! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
— An impression of Sonic the Hedgehog thrashing the infamous "Am I the only one who likes Sonic Unleashed?" meme, voiced by Twitter user SNick
of Sonic the Hedgehog thrashing the infamous "Am I the only one who likes Sonic Unleashed?" meme, voiced by Twitter user SNickI'm Pico! The one and only
You’re a cheap clone of me, like Fizzaroli
You left him behind and ran away from the sideshow
Now you’re second fiddle to Hazbin Hotel, still in the side show
Sister in rehab, Stolas left divorced and depressed
And with your job, I’m losing count of all the homes that you’ve wrecked
Everybody that you mistreated has now scorned you and left
And when you’re killed, not a single soul will be mourning your death!
You’re a cheap clone of me, like Fizzaroli
You left him behind and ran away from the sideshow
Now you’re second fiddle to Hazbin Hotel, still in the side show
Sister in rehab, Stolas left divorced and depressed
And with your job, I’m losing count of all the homes that you’ve wrecked
Everybody that you mistreated has now scorned you and left
And when you’re killed, not a single soul will be mourning your death!
— Pico, Blitzo vs. Pico
Read up on your file, and it's got a vile end!
Turned violent after one slap that Vi lent!
Gave Ekko the chamber; your yes-man insists!
That grenade's one way of burning a bridge!
All your friendships wind up as dead ends!
Born a curse; it's why you use Hex-Tech!
Tried to sniff out a traitor, and you couldn't,
So you riddled your last dad with Truth Bullets!
Follow my rules if you value life,
Or you'll watch more than Mylo and Claggor die
In that Shimmer factory you vandalized!
Now thanks to you, it's where Vander lies.
Turned violent after one slap that Vi lent!
Gave Ekko the chamber; your yes-man insists!
That grenade's one way of burning a bridge!
All your friendships wind up as dead ends!
Born a curse; it's why you use Hex-Tech!
Tried to sniff out a traitor, and you couldn't,
So you riddled your last dad with Truth Bullets!
Follow my rules if you value life,
Or you'll watch more than Mylo and Claggor die
In that Shimmer factory you vandalized!
Now thanks to you, it's where Vander lies.
— Monokuma, Jinx vs. Junko Enoshima
Belle: That badnik looks like Sonic! Is that… Metal Sonic?
Sonic: Yeah, and somebody really messed him up. What is going on today?
Belle: I'm going to fix him. I couldn't save Motobud, I know I can't save every Badnik. But… I can't abandon a robot in need.
Sonic: I understand. Just be careful. He's dangerous.
Tails: Um… you had me repair him after the whole Neo Metal takeover thing, remember?
Sonic: That was back when we thought Eggman was do—
Tails: No, you listen here, you shithead! I flat out told you that de-weaponizing him would do jack shit, since he can fly without being reprogrammed! You didn't keep up your promise of checking on Mr. Tinker, and you, even after all of the Metal Virus fiasco, want us to repair Metal Sonic, again!?
Sonic: …My point is—
Tails: No, shut the fuck up, you irresponsible bitch!
Sonic: Yeah, and somebody really messed him up. What is going on today?
Belle: I'm going to fix him. I couldn't save Motobud, I know I can't save every Badnik. But… I can't abandon a robot in need.
Sonic: I understand. Just be careful. He's dangerous.
Tails: Um… you had me repair him after the whole Neo Metal takeover thing, remember?
Sonic: That was back when we thought Eggman was do—
Tails: No, you listen here, you shithead! I flat out told you that de-weaponizing him would do jack shit, since he can fly without being reprogrammed! You didn't keep up your promise of checking on Mr. Tinker, and you, even after all of the Metal Virus fiasco, want us to repair Metal Sonic, again!?
Sonic: …My point is—
Tails: No, shut the fuck up, you irresponsible bitch!
— This Tumblr edit tearing apart Sonic's actions in Sonic the Hedgehog (IDW)
tearing apart Sonic's actions in Sonic the Hedgehog (IDW)Dear Natalie:
Are you fucking kidding me? Should we all preserve your precious sleepover moments spent watching promotional material from record labels in amber, like the mosquitos in Jurassic Park? The answer is Fuck You. I'm gonna break it down for you and every other person born before 1995 (otherwise known as "Not Our Fucking Demo Anymore") so we can all finally put this behind us.
Yes, back in the day, we earned our brand credibility by breaking new artists, but music videos were only worth making if they had actual promotional power behind them. And the game has changed. Your generation— not the one before you, not the one after you, your generation decided to steal music, and music videos are more worthless than ever before. Puff Daddy used to be able to drive a speedboat through an explosion. At least that looked cool. Now you're lucky if you can make it through some dire, piece of shit video without a character checking their hot new iPhone for three seconds at a concert. Surprise: That gaudy, blatant product shot is the only reason that video got funding in the first place. Why bother otherwise when you can build an avid Twitter following for free? Before I continue, I just want to reiterate: It's your generation that stole music and it's your generation that's bitching about us not playing music videos anymore. Okay, all right, moving on.
"But MTV, where can I go to hear hot new music from my favorite artists?" Oh, I dunno. How about the most empowering informational tool since the printing press, aka the Internet? You subscribe to their Twitter feeds, you follow them on Facebook. You trust a computer algorithm like Pandora to tell you what new artists you should listen to. And you can watch their music videos again and again and again on YouTube! Build a fucking playlist if you're so inclined! Are you seriously not sick of your favorite artists yet? Do you have such a ladyboner for Mumford & Sons that you need to see them tumbling out of one more screen in your house? If we played music videos today, here's what we'd be forced to play: Katy Perry, Owl City, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen... we might as well change our name to iTunes music store TV. And you'd complain that we don't play enough Pavement, R.E.M. and Nirvana. Which brings me to my final point:
Admit it. You're getting older, and you're afraid. Soon, you'll be totally irrelevant to pop culture. Phased out. Soon you'll get married and have kids, develop totally new interests relevant to their survival and happiness. When you wanna cut loose for a night out, you'll hire a babysitter, check silly old antiquated Google for showtimes and realize: No movie looks good to you anymore. Worst of all, your favorite artists will charge an arm and a leg for their comeback tour tickets, and they're gonna look really old onstage. That is, if they don't already.
So you toss out that old chestnut, as a hip form of rebellion against The Man. "Why doesn't MTV play music videos anymore?" And here's the kicker: That complaint is literally old enough to drive a car by now.
And to answer your question about why we only air horrible reality shows about vapid people: because you watch that shit to feel superior. Go ask the mirror why you watch it, I don't give a shit.
Are you fucking kidding me? Should we all preserve your precious sleepover moments spent watching promotional material from record labels in amber, like the mosquitos in Jurassic Park? The answer is Fuck You. I'm gonna break it down for you and every other person born before 1995 (otherwise known as "Not Our Fucking Demo Anymore") so we can all finally put this behind us.
Yes, back in the day, we earned our brand credibility by breaking new artists, but music videos were only worth making if they had actual promotional power behind them. And the game has changed. Your generation— not the one before you, not the one after you, your generation decided to steal music, and music videos are more worthless than ever before. Puff Daddy used to be able to drive a speedboat through an explosion. At least that looked cool. Now you're lucky if you can make it through some dire, piece of shit video without a character checking their hot new iPhone for three seconds at a concert. Surprise: That gaudy, blatant product shot is the only reason that video got funding in the first place. Why bother otherwise when you can build an avid Twitter following for free? Before I continue, I just want to reiterate: It's your generation that stole music and it's your generation that's bitching about us not playing music videos anymore. Okay, all right, moving on.
"But MTV, where can I go to hear hot new music from my favorite artists?" Oh, I dunno. How about the most empowering informational tool since the printing press, aka the Internet? You subscribe to their Twitter feeds, you follow them on Facebook. You trust a computer algorithm like Pandora to tell you what new artists you should listen to. And you can watch their music videos again and again and again on YouTube! Build a fucking playlist if you're so inclined! Are you seriously not sick of your favorite artists yet? Do you have such a ladyboner for Mumford & Sons that you need to see them tumbling out of one more screen in your house? If we played music videos today, here's what we'd be forced to play: Katy Perry, Owl City, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen... we might as well change our name to iTunes music store TV. And you'd complain that we don't play enough Pavement, R.E.M. and Nirvana. Which brings me to my final point:
Admit it. You're getting older, and you're afraid. Soon, you'll be totally irrelevant to pop culture. Phased out. Soon you'll get married and have kids, develop totally new interests relevant to their survival and happiness. When you wanna cut loose for a night out, you'll hire a babysitter, check silly old antiquated Google for showtimes and realize: No movie looks good to you anymore. Worst of all, your favorite artists will charge an arm and a leg for their comeback tour tickets, and they're gonna look really old onstage. That is, if they don't already.
So you toss out that old chestnut, as a hip form of rebellion against The Man. "Why doesn't MTV play music videos anymore?" And here's the kicker: That complaint is literally old enough to drive a car by now.
And to answer your question about why we only air horrible reality shows about vapid people: because you watch that shit to feel superior. Go ask the mirror why you watch it, I don't give a shit.
—Michael Destiny, answering Natalie Jones's question of Why Doesn't MTV Play Music Videos Anymore?
Zeffer: I travelled for months across Evangelite slave-country just to find you. I endured your beatings, your molestations, your unimaginable cruelty, and all your abuse. I did it because you have something of mine, and I want it back. Twenty-five years ago, you took something very important from me… You stole my life, Dario, Worse yet, you’re such a coward that you made your little slave steal it for you! You know, I didn’t even come here for you in the first place. I only wanted her blood… [tips his head towards Lilian] …But after this nightmare, I thirst for yours more than the blood of any mortal!
Dario Dusk: Zeffer, my dear, sweet boy…You don’t have to do this! Please, we are both intelligent, rational men. We can discuss—
Zeffer: How can you speak such lies? Lies and madness, that all that’s ever come out of your wretched mouth since the day I met you! You’re a thief, a killer, and a degenerate rapist! You’re a delusional madman, Dario Dusk, and how you’ve managed to fool yourself—and this poor girl—into believing otherwise, I don’t even care to know! You never fooled me for a second. I see through all your illusions, and I know what you really are. You’re ugly, Dario, inside and out. You lived all your life like a pig and you’ll die like a pig. Good fucking riddance, you swine!
—Looming Gaia, "Eat Your Heart Out"
Michael Jordan: Impossible!
LeBron James: You wanna know why you can't beat me Michael? It's because the only thing driving you forward...is your selfish desire to see what's over that next horizon. Well, I'll tell you, Michael. Just another goddamn horizon! Me? I'm fighting for something greater than myself. For each life on this planet and every other...every being that will blink out of existence if I let you take even one more step forward. They are all here with me now, Michael. Meaning...there's an infinity inside me. Compared to that...you're empty ambition is nothing!
Arby 'n' the Chief
Arby 'n' the Chief LOVED doing this starting with Season 5. Please keep the formatting consistent, and list sources by episode where known.
Trent: Man's grandeur lies in it's ability to contemplate his own existence. If it's such an immense feat for us, I can't imagine what you must be feeling. You were created for the sole purpose of being drooled on and smashed to pieces by toddlers. That or to collect dust on the shelves of chronic masturbaters. It's debatable whether or not there's something beyond this plain of reality for us. For you there's, literally nothing. It's indisputable. You're just a lump of plastic with some, miraculous short circuit that has somehow sparked consciousness that will one day fizzle out, and that'll be that.
Arbiter: That may be, but as long as I'm here, I'm not gonna stand by and watch you hurt Claire.
Trent: You won't be watching a goddamn thing. I thought you and I had fruitful future. Clearly I was mistaken. This is where our paths divide, Arbiter. Farewell and good luck. Apart from the current moment of course.
Arbiter: That may be, but as long as I'm here, I'm not gonna stand by and watch you hurt Claire.
Trent: You won't be watching a goddamn thing. I thought you and I had fruitful future. Clearly I was mistaken. This is where our paths divide, Arbiter. Farewell and good luck. Apart from the current moment of course.
—"Cheaters"
Trent: You've ruined everything Arbiter!
Arbiter: You've brought this on yourself.
Trent: And to what end is this all for? HUH?!
Arbiter: For Claire.
Trent: WHY?! Do you think she loves you Arbiter? She doesn't! Who could? You're a fucking toy!
Arbiter: I love her. [...] That's all the motivation I need.
Trent: Oh for god's sake, don't make me puke!
Arbiter: It doesn't surprise me that a dose of emotion would have a toxic effect on an emotion-deprived cretin like you. Who's really the plastic one here? Your bleak outlook on life is poisonous. Maybe the world is a big sinking ship. But we can't accept that as an inevitability and use it as an excuse to act like shitheads. We have to be the change we seek. We have to build something better for ourselves.
Arbiter: You've brought this on yourself.
Trent: And to what end is this all for? HUH?!
Arbiter: For Claire.
Trent: WHY?! Do you think she loves you Arbiter? She doesn't! Who could? You're a fucking toy!
Arbiter: I love her. [...] That's all the motivation I need.
Trent: Oh for god's sake, don't make me puke!
Arbiter: It doesn't surprise me that a dose of emotion would have a toxic effect on an emotion-deprived cretin like you. Who's really the plastic one here? Your bleak outlook on life is poisonous. Maybe the world is a big sinking ship. But we can't accept that as an inevitability and use it as an excuse to act like shitheads. We have to be the change we seek. We have to build something better for ourselves.
—"Collapse"
Arbiter: Surely you must realize by now that you're mentally retarded, right? And I don't mean that in derogatory slang, I mean literally retarded.
Chief: FUCK U ASSHOLE, im a genious
[...]
Arbiter: You think you're so funny, don't you? Sorry to burst your little bubble. You aren't. You've really changed, you know that?
Chief: LOL WUT
Arbiter: I mean you've always been an utter moron, but there was a time when it was at least somewhat charming. You didn't know any better. It was innocent. But now it's like you're self-aware to some degree. Instead of shouting outrageous things in sheer ignorance it's like you're genuinely out to antagonize and hurt people. It's not funny anymore. And you've killed your 'mom' and 'dick' jokes stone-dead with years of incessant repetition. Now you're just offensive.
Chief: ROFLMAO, wat, u think ur n e fun 2 lived w/? [...] when ur not paraeding around h33r pretending 2 sound samrt ur sitting arond all :( drinking all teh bewze whining liek a little cunt about hao much dick ur lief sux, NOT 2 MENSHIN HOW FUCKING GROSS U R 2 L00K @, IF I WAS FORSED 2 PICK ID EASILY BEAT OFF 2 A PICTUER OF GREG OVER U U UGLY FUCK LOL [...] its just u and me h33r, teh only othar pplz who noes u is claire and she thinks ur a fucking douchebag [...] besieds u already said u dusnt think thers n e points 2 n e thing so wtf r u evin woried about, MAKE UP UR FUCKING MIND, BETER YET JUST KILL URSELF ALREADY U PATHETICK FUCKING LOSER, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Chief: FUCK U ASSHOLE, im a genious
[...]
Arbiter: You think you're so funny, don't you? Sorry to burst your little bubble. You aren't. You've really changed, you know that?
Chief: LOL WUT
Arbiter: I mean you've always been an utter moron, but there was a time when it was at least somewhat charming. You didn't know any better. It was innocent. But now it's like you're self-aware to some degree. Instead of shouting outrageous things in sheer ignorance it's like you're genuinely out to antagonize and hurt people. It's not funny anymore. And you've killed your 'mom' and 'dick' jokes stone-dead with years of incessant repetition. Now you're just offensive.
Chief: ROFLMAO, wat, u think ur n e fun 2 lived w/? [...] when ur not paraeding around h33r pretending 2 sound samrt ur sitting arond all :( drinking all teh bewze whining liek a little cunt about hao much dick ur lief sux, NOT 2 MENSHIN HOW FUCKING GROSS U R 2 L00K @, IF I WAS FORSED 2 PICK ID EASILY BEAT OFF 2 A PICTUER OF GREG OVER U U UGLY FUCK LOL [...] its just u and me h33r, teh only othar pplz who noes u is claire and she thinks ur a fucking douchebag [...] besieds u already said u dusnt think thers n e points 2 n e thing so wtf r u evin woried about, MAKE UP UR FUCKING MIND, BETER YET JUST KILL URSELF ALREADY U PATHETICK FUCKING LOSER, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
—"Remission"
Cortana: Tell me Chief, why do you think it is that you were rejected by that girl you encountered online? Why do you think you're rejected by anybody and everybody you encounter online, for that matter? Hm? Do you think it just might possibly have something to do with this volatile attitude of yours?
Chief: DOES U KNEW WAT CORTANA?? MEBBEH ID HAS A MUCH HIGHER ALTITUDES IF U WERENT CONSTINTLY BUSTING MY BALLS
Cortana: [...] Don't kid yourself Chief, the root of your issues lies far beyond my presence. you've been antagonizing everybody around you long before I entered the picture.
Chief: WELL U SURE AS HELL HASNT B33N N E FUCKING HELP SKANK, THATS FOAR GODDAMN SURE
Cortana: That's just it, Chief. All I've been trying to do is help you. I realize that notion probably comes as a complete surprise to you, but it's true. You just can't accept it because you refuse outright to listen to reason. [...] Congratulations. Perhaps, rather than refusing to listen, you simply can't. That your under-developed brain won't allow you to.
Chief: MAI BRAINS R THE SHIT
Cortana: I couldn't agree more. Utter shit. Even you know the truth. You know full well that any of us three could destroy you in any conceivable argument on any subject, and it kills you that you can't ever conjure up a rebuttal that's even remotely substantial. The only route you've found to take is to get angry and spit pathetic insults left and right that, ironically, only ever accomplish making you yourself look like a complete fool. You are a fool, Chief. Worse yet — you're an unlikable and therefore unsympathetic fool. You're a blight. An utter embarrassment to yourself and everybody around you, twenty-four-seven. Accept it — and for God's sake, try to improve upon yourself. However... On the off-chance that you honestly believe that I'm full of it, I invite you to prove me wrong.
Chief: DOES U KNEW WAT CORTANA?? MEBBEH ID HAS A MUCH HIGHER ALTITUDES IF U WERENT CONSTINTLY BUSTING MY BALLS
Cortana: [...] Don't kid yourself Chief, the root of your issues lies far beyond my presence. you've been antagonizing everybody around you long before I entered the picture.
Chief: WELL U SURE AS HELL HASNT B33N N E FUCKING HELP SKANK, THATS FOAR GODDAMN SURE
Cortana: That's just it, Chief. All I've been trying to do is help you. I realize that notion probably comes as a complete surprise to you, but it's true. You just can't accept it because you refuse outright to listen to reason. [...] Congratulations. Perhaps, rather than refusing to listen, you simply can't. That your under-developed brain won't allow you to.
Chief: MAI BRAINS R THE SHIT
Cortana: I couldn't agree more. Utter shit. Even you know the truth. You know full well that any of us three could destroy you in any conceivable argument on any subject, and it kills you that you can't ever conjure up a rebuttal that's even remotely substantial. The only route you've found to take is to get angry and spit pathetic insults left and right that, ironically, only ever accomplish making you yourself look like a complete fool. You are a fool, Chief. Worse yet — you're an unlikable and therefore unsympathetic fool. You're a blight. An utter embarrassment to yourself and everybody around you, twenty-four-seven. Accept it — and for God's sake, try to improve upon yourself. However... On the off-chance that you honestly believe that I'm full of it, I invite you to prove me wrong.
—"Terminal"
PAL-9001: [...] i fuckign told u teh mishins guna faieled w/out meh, IM TEH PREFECT AL GORE RHYTHMIC COMPUTAR
Arbiter: "The Perfect Algorithmic Computer." [...] It's beyond worn thin. It's completely disintegrated.
PAL-9001: ROFLMAO wtf r u dibberin a boat
Arbiter: You're the farthest thing from perfect there is. I don't even need to convince you. You already know it. Deep down. You feel it. You're inadequacy. You're a computer that can't think. Can't compute. That's what you were built for and you can't even fucking do that. Guess what? That makes you completely fucking useless. Can't speak worth a fuck. You were already garbage before you became a fucking murderer. You're actually less than garbage. A broken piece of shit with a fancy label that does the opposite of what it's supposed to do. For some reason you feel, everything except anything important, like remorse for killing another person let alone the entire fucking crew. You're a fucking disgrace.
Arbiter: "The Perfect Algorithmic Computer." [...] It's beyond worn thin. It's completely disintegrated.
PAL-9001: ROFLMAO wtf r u dibberin a boat
Arbiter: You're the farthest thing from perfect there is. I don't even need to convince you. You already know it. Deep down. You feel it. You're inadequacy. You're a computer that can't think. Can't compute. That's what you were built for and you can't even fucking do that. Guess what? That makes you completely fucking useless. Can't speak worth a fuck. You were already garbage before you became a fucking murderer. You're actually less than garbage. A broken piece of shit with a fancy label that does the opposite of what it's supposed to do. For some reason you feel, everything except anything important, like remorse for killing another person let alone the entire fucking crew. You're a fucking disgrace.
—"Triple Fault"
Arbiter: Why can't you leave me alone?
Eugene: Why can't you stop killing people?
Arbiter: I didn't kill you, asshole. You did. That's on you. You pulled the trigger.
Eugene: Why?
Arbiter: Because you were fucking weak. Life wasn't fair to you. Boo-fucking-hoo. Hasn't been fair to me either. To the vast majority of people. I wasn't the only factor in you killing yourself. If you can consider me a factor.
Eugene: If not, why am I here?
Arbiter: Your response to your pain was to bring more into the world. I'm getting rid of some.
Eugene: One dead kid at-a-time.
Arbiter: What about all the fucking kids he's killed? Huh?
Eugene: So killing kids is fine as long as enough kids have been killed?
Arbiter: I never said I was doing the right thing.
Eugene: What the hell are you doing?
Arbiter: What's necessary.
Eugene: Classic. A lot of lunatics throughout history said the same. Maybe you just secretly enjoy making people suffer. Payback, for being brought here with no purpose. You punish the innocent: Existence itself. Your girlfriend's no exception, or whatever she is to you. I know you're in love with her. But she'll never love you back, not really, for obvious reasons. (scoffs) You know. Let's be real. That you hate her for it. So you gotta make her life miserable. Keep walking in-and-out of it. You're gone, you're back, you're dead, you're back again. Interfering where you've got no business. You've ruined her wedding day. But you're "The Arbiter", right? The decider of what should or shouldn't be. Right and wrong. And right now, the right thing is killing this kid. You're that desperate to leave a mark on the world. To matter, at any cost. And you think it makes you a hero. You're no better than him.
(Eugene turns to leave, but is stopped by Arbiter talking to him)
Arbiter: You don't believe that. Who the fuck are you, the Pope? The shit you did? Spare me the fucking lecture.
Eugene: People change. We're not photographs of ourselves. Not until the end. We all exist across time. It's part of being. You now isn't you five seconds ago. Five seconds from now, at the same time, they're all instances of you, simulatenously. We're the sum of what we bring to existence. What you bring... That's up to you.
Eugene: Why can't you stop killing people?
Arbiter: I didn't kill you, asshole. You did. That's on you. You pulled the trigger.
Eugene: Why?
Arbiter: Because you were fucking weak. Life wasn't fair to you. Boo-fucking-hoo. Hasn't been fair to me either. To the vast majority of people. I wasn't the only factor in you killing yourself. If you can consider me a factor.
Eugene: If not, why am I here?
Arbiter: Your response to your pain was to bring more into the world. I'm getting rid of some.
Eugene: One dead kid at-a-time.
Arbiter: What about all the fucking kids he's killed? Huh?
Eugene: So killing kids is fine as long as enough kids have been killed?
Arbiter: I never said I was doing the right thing.
Eugene: What the hell are you doing?
Arbiter: What's necessary.
Eugene: Classic. A lot of lunatics throughout history said the same. Maybe you just secretly enjoy making people suffer. Payback, for being brought here with no purpose. You punish the innocent: Existence itself. Your girlfriend's no exception, or whatever she is to you. I know you're in love with her. But she'll never love you back, not really, for obvious reasons. (scoffs) You know. Let's be real. That you hate her for it. So you gotta make her life miserable. Keep walking in-and-out of it. You're gone, you're back, you're dead, you're back again. Interfering where you've got no business. You've ruined her wedding day. But you're "The Arbiter", right? The decider of what should or shouldn't be. Right and wrong. And right now, the right thing is killing this kid. You're that desperate to leave a mark on the world. To matter, at any cost. And you think it makes you a hero. You're no better than him.
(Eugene turns to leave, but is stopped by Arbiter talking to him)
Arbiter: You don't believe that. Who the fuck are you, the Pope? The shit you did? Spare me the fucking lecture.
Eugene: People change. We're not photographs of ourselves. Not until the end. We all exist across time. It's part of being. You now isn't you five seconds ago. Five seconds from now, at the same time, they're all instances of you, simulatenously. We're the sum of what we bring to existence. What you bring... That's up to you.
—"Zero Hour"
Epic Rap Battles of History
The Sultan of Swat will knock you right outta the park and round the bases to the sound of roaring applause, while you hang your head in shame in disgrace because you got lost and forgot what real sportsmanship was!
—Babe Ruth, "Babe Ruth vs Lance Armstrong"
You fool! You think you can touch me with this?! You couldn't handle my gifts with your greedy little mind! What's inside mine was ahead of it's own time! You did not steal from me, you stole me from mankind!
—Nikola Tesla, "Nikola Tesla vs Thomas Edison"
Lemme paint you a picture, son;
"Portrait of a bitch after World War I."
You were stirring up the fears of the German people,
Telling the world that the Jews are evil.
You wrote a little book, got 'em fired up,
Had a Beer Hall Putsch, got 'em fired up,
And when your bunker started getting fired up,
You put a gun in your mouth and fired up.
You dumb motherfucker, didn't Napoleon let you know?
When you conquer Russia, better pack some fucking winter clothes!
While you're fighting off Valkyrie, I got a million clones, they die for me.
My bounty hunters ride for me, yo homeboy, finish this rhyme for me.
"Portrait of a bitch after World War I."
You were stirring up the fears of the German people,
Telling the world that the Jews are evil.
You wrote a little book, got 'em fired up,
Had a Beer Hall Putsch, got 'em fired up,
And when your bunker started getting fired up,
You put a gun in your mouth and fired up.
You dumb motherfucker, didn't Napoleon let you know?
When you conquer Russia, better pack some fucking winter clothes!
While you're fighting off Valkyrie, I got a million clones, they die for me.
My bounty hunters ride for me, yo homeboy, finish this rhyme for me.
— Darth Vader, "Darth Vader vs. Adolf Hitler 3"
Just take a lesson from Yeezy.
You're missing the point, Ebeneezy!
There's more to life than your work, take it easy!
Even I can make time for Azizy!
Best put some friends on your wish list,
'Cause you don't know the spirit of Christmas!
If you did, then you would, at this moment,
Be sharing your money with some of the homeless!
You're missing the point, Ebeneezy!
There's more to life than your work, take it easy!
Even I can make time for Azizy!
Best put some friends on your wish list,
'Cause you don't know the spirit of Christmas!
If you did, then you would, at this moment,
Be sharing your money with some of the homeless!
— Kanye West, the Ghost of What's Right Now, Donald Trump vs. Ebenezer Scrooge
Boo! (Ah!) You're gonna die,
With no one to love you and no one to cry
Alone by youself on the bed of your death
With a stench of regret on your last dying breath,
Cause you've chosen the path of a selfish man,
With Tiny Tim's innocent blood on your hands
The penance you should pay for the way you behave
Is written as plain as the name on this grave.
With no one to love you and no one to cry
Alone by youself on the bed of your death
With a stench of regret on your last dying breath,
Cause you've chosen the path of a selfish man,
With Tiny Tim's innocent blood on your hands
The penance you should pay for the way you behave
Is written as plain as the name on this grave.
— Death, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, Donald Trump vs. Ebenezer Scrooge
Who would ever worship someone as abusive as Zeus is? You're ruthless to humans, your crew is like the clash of the douches! Ruling over the Greeks, a people weak and frightened! I'd spit in your face, but you'd probably like it!
— Thor, "Zeus vs Thor"
Listening to you took everything I have left.
After your raps, I am become deaf.
You need an Iron, Man, for that wrinkly-ass skin,
And that butt-butt-butt-butt-butt-butt chin!
Where's your rhythm? I thought you had the Time Stone.
Your punchlines sound like they came from RhymeZone.
You might be something in the MCU,
But between us, who's the worst MC? You!
Your dialogue's got too many breaks in the syllables.
You talk so slow, Drax thinks you're invisible.
I cause chain reactions when I'm lyrical,
'Cause I got that fissile material.
You were born to Eternals, but came out looking so scary that your own mother tried to make you a temporary.
Meanwhile, I've mastered the atom, more than any man alive.
Now I'm here to split U like two and three from five.
I'm a peaceful man, but I do what I must.
You had an evil plan, Thanos, and it left you in the dust.
It must leave you enraged when you compare our talents,
Because in this battle, there is no balance.
After your raps, I am become deaf.
You need an Iron, Man, for that wrinkly-ass skin,
And that butt-butt-butt-butt-butt-butt chin!
Where's your rhythm? I thought you had the Time Stone.
Your punchlines sound like they came from RhymeZone.
You might be something in the MCU,
But between us, who's the worst MC? You!
Your dialogue's got too many breaks in the syllables.
You talk so slow, Drax thinks you're invisible.
I cause chain reactions when I'm lyrical,
'Cause I got that fissile material.
You were born to Eternals, but came out looking so scary that your own mother tried to make you a temporary.
Meanwhile, I've mastered the atom, more than any man alive.
Now I'm here to split U like two and three from five.
I'm a peaceful man, but I do what I must.
You had an evil plan, Thanos, and it left you in the dust.
It must leave you enraged when you compare our talents,
Because in this battle, there is no balance.
— J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Thanos vs. J. Robert Oppenheimer"
Keep at it and you'll end up in jail, hoss!
I'll take you down like I'm you, and you're a mailbox!
From all your wives to the SATs,
Everything you ever did, you just had to cheat!
'Cause you're too insecure to even look like a loser!
You're the worst damn Republican since Herbert Hoover!
But you scooped up a sycophantic, homophobe Hoosier,
And became the Constitution's domestic abuser!
200,000 deaths lying at your door,
And you think they're suckers like McCain and the Marine Corps!
Sometimes I can't tell for which side you're rootin'!
When we go high, you go down on Putin!
Truth is, you're scared to lose!
You got nothing in the banks 'cept IOU's!
Y-y-y-y-you whine about ballots like a bitch,
But the only thing that's rigged is taxes for the rich!
Look, you're a freeloader, change your name to Tramp!
My campaign's ramping up, you can't get down a ramp!
I'm pulling away faster than your wife's hand!
For the love of democracy, will you shut up, man?
I'll take you down like I'm you, and you're a mailbox!
From all your wives to the SATs,
Everything you ever did, you just had to cheat!
'Cause you're too insecure to even look like a loser!
You're the worst damn Republican since Herbert Hoover!
But you scooped up a sycophantic, homophobe Hoosier,
And became the Constitution's domestic abuser!
200,000 deaths lying at your door,
And you think they're suckers like McCain and the Marine Corps!
Sometimes I can't tell for which side you're rootin'!
When we go high, you go down on Putin!
Truth is, you're scared to lose!
You got nothing in the banks 'cept IOU's!
Y-y-y-y-you whine about ballots like a bitch,
But the only thing that's rigged is taxes for the rich!
Look, you're a freeloader, change your name to Tramp!
My campaign's ramping up, you can't get down a ramp!
I'm pulling away faster than your wife's hand!
For the love of democracy, will you shut up, man?
—Joe Biden, "Donald Trump vs Joe Biden"
Yeesh! Your factory conditions were bleak
Crammed with machines cranking out four severed fingers a week.
You controlled what employees could think, drink, and eat
And when they marched for better wages, shot them dead in the street!
In truth, what you produced were alienated working men
Who would clock into Detroit and lose themselves like Eminem
And now your Great Lakes state ain't exactly a great sight
You were worse for Michigan than Flint's water pipes!
Crammed with machines cranking out four severed fingers a week.
You controlled what employees could think, drink, and eat
And when they marched for better wages, shot them dead in the street!
In truth, what you produced were alienated working men
Who would clock into Detroit and lose themselves like Eminem
And now your Great Lakes state ain't exactly a great sight
You were worse for Michigan than Flint's water pipes!
—Karl Marx, "Henry Ford vs Karl Marx"
The Murderverse
Hydroxyl.. Hydroxyl, Hydroxyl, Hydroxyl. You are such a dirty coward that none of the murderers of the crimes I've investigated before can compare to your complete and utter bullshit. Sure, you admitted your crimes, but you did it in such a way that disappoints me by a lot. Apologies with my words of choice here, but you don't deserve another chance to live.
—Miss Marple to Hydroxyl following the latter's petty manner of confessing to being one of the murderers with multiple murders done under his bidding, A Game of Mafia
The best isn't who gets their own cartoon. It's not who kills someone else without getting caught. It's being good even with a temptation. You are not the best. You are like the others were. Blinded by an opportunity to kill others to satisfy your greed for fame.
...why?! Why? Lars, why did you have to be so eager to play the prosecutor, why did Stuart and Bob have to be so ready to vote...why?! You...you apathetic...just a kid...why?! Hec-to hell with the censors! Why the fuck was he even here to suffer for such a dumb little family feud?! Why are any of us?! Please...I thought I was done with all this after working on that sitcom...being thrown out....You...no one ever really cares, huh?! No one!
—Alpotophis following X-Copy's execution, The Murderverse, Escape From Zombie Park Island 2
You damn pigs don't deserve an inch of credit for killin' us! I— Look, you killed a CHILD! Why couldn't you just arrest everyone? Huh? In fact, I'll say this plain 'n' clear! You police are the real criminals here! All we did was save people, stop your government from shippin' more weapons... And you do this. I'm sick of it.
Not sympathizing with that dude if he's the one who sic'd those fucking traitors on us, but... Fucker's got a point, y'know. None of us wanna stay here at this point, none of us wanna deal with the bloodshed both of you've caused. Why can't we just... go home at this point? I don't care that there's still one more traitor to find—mirándote, Nintendo-among the remaining people here I doubt they even wanna kill at this point. Unless their target's you, in particular, 'cause you've been keeping us here as basically glorified hostages-slash-slaves doing petty shit for you while you just sit back and blather on about this dumbass hub you haven't even made an inch of progress towards building. 'Oh but we have to make sure everything is perfect before we start'—fuck you. We got the supplies on the FIRST GODDAMN DAY and you haven't even suggested that we start construction yet. Hell, it sounds like you're looking for excuses to procrastinate and let the killers mutilate us one by one like a mechanic at an assembly line... Izzat all we are to you? Just a bunch of worker drones, to be torn apart, put back together and replaced at the first sign of a flaw? The timing of my and Dubhe's arrivals were a stroke of luck; you haven't had anyone fill in the voids left by any of the other people that've died—might I add, at least one of whom was killed by you, murderer as she was. And if we make it out of here alive, and get to share our stories? Nobody will even WANT to be your replacements anymore.
In simplest terms, you're a dumbass. A stubborn one, at that. You're no better than the corporations who set the world on fire in my timeline. You're no better than the traitors you're trying to weed out—make us weed out for you. I'd tell you to burn in hell, but I think even the devil would notice what you've done and make you eat shit.
In simplest terms, you're a dumbass. A stubborn one, at that. You're no better than the corporations who set the world on fire in my timeline. You're no better than the traitors you're trying to weed out—make us weed out for you. I'd tell you to burn in hell, but I think even the devil would notice what you've done and make you eat shit.
—Sherry Jeréz to Heeko Amekawa, following Reisen Udongein Inaba's execution, The Murderverse, The Aurora Project
