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Recap: Family Guy S 5 E 8 Barely Legal
Airdate: December 17, 2006

After Mayor Adam West deploys the entire Quahog police department to Cartagena, Colombia to search for a character from Romancing the Stone, Joe becomes bogged down at work, being the only officer not sent to Colombia (he was not sent because South America “isn't wheelchair accessible”). Because of this, Peter and the guys decide to become police officers in order to help Joe.

Meanwhile, Meg comes home from school, threatening to kill herself by using a sharp, scary knife because she does not have a date for her Junior Prom (the last boy she asked killed his brother to use his funeral as an excuse). As a last resort, Brian agrees to take her.

During the dance, Brian hides his unhappiness in attending by getting drunk, but near the end of the night in the course of defending Meg, he manages to bring Connie D’Amico to tears by telling her why she picks on girls like Meg: Connie was one of those girls who developed early and put out note  at age 12, and now bullies girls she deems unworthy to cover up the crushing realization that she'll be a worthless, sexually-depleted shell of her former self by the time she turns 19 and won't even be considered attractive to her stepfather. Almost immediately following this, Brian and Meg make out with each other. After their kiss, Brian then vomits and claims that it’s from the booze, not Meg.

After the dance, Meg begins to consider Brian her boyfriend, but Brian tells her he has no interest in her. Because of this, Meg becomes obsessed with Brian and begins to make erratic advances at him (such as making an apple pie with her hair baked inside). Feeling that he’s losing control of the situation, Brian tells Lois about Meg and how she loves him because he made out with her at the prom. As expected, Lois is furious and orders Brian to set things right. Even after Brian tells Meg that he will never be attracted to her, she knocks him out with a bag of Dog Chow, ties him up and then brings him to a hotel in an attempt to have sex with him, but is stopped by Peter and his friends.

Quagmire offers his services to straighten Meg out. Meg comes over to his house and, instead of sleeping with her as expected, he has a heart-to-heart talk with her, explaining that she doesn’t need to have a boyfriend to have fun as a teenager and gives her a book, Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece, to guide her.

Quagmire then goes into his bedroom to have sex with two hookers, but is put off by how one of them pronounces the word “whip”.

"Barely Legal." contains examples of (YMMV goes here):

  • Alpha Bitch: Connie D'Amico. Brian even chews her out by stating that she's a bitch because she developed sexually at an early age, got low self-esteem from it, and picks on innocent girls like Meg to make herself feel better.
  • Bowdlerization: A lot of lines had to be changed between the FOX version and the cable and DVD version:
    • Brian's line about Connie giving handjobs to guys when she was 12 was changed to "putting out" in the FOX version
    • Peter's line about Woody Allen taking a Chinaman home from the circus was changed to "Oriental guy"note .
    • Stewie's line about Meg's "carpet" matching her "curtains" wasn't "in color and length" in the cable and DVD version. It was "in color and quantity" and had an additional line, "Ever see a blacksmith's apron?"
    • Brian's line that gets him punched in the FOX version was, "[Meg] made me eat the hair in her pie" while on cable and DVD, it was "She made me eat her hair pie."
    • The word "masturbate" is only said once on the FOX version (Brian's line "Masturbate. [Chris and I are] gonna masturbate together" was changed to "That's it. That's what we're gonna go together").
    • The DVD version has a scene during Peter's police training sequence where he, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Mort Goldman drink coffee and Joe tells them one of the cups is laced with PCP. While Peter, Mort, and Cleveland accuse each other of being on PCP, Quagmire wonders why his arm has so much skin on it and rips it off without feeling any pain (meaning that he's the one who drank the PCP-laced coffee, since PCP has an anesthetic effect and, therefore, Quagmire wouldn't have felt that pain).
  • Driven to Suicide: Meg, when she is upset that nobody wants to go to the dance with her – not even her back-up date who (supposedly) killed his own brother just to avoid going with her.
  • Furry Reminder: Meg attracts Brian by shaking a bag of Dog Chow, then whacks him over the head with it.
  • Grammar Nazi: Brian when it comes to the "whip" pronunciation.
  • If I Can't Have You: Meg kidnapping Brian and forcing him to be on the receiving end of a lap dance once he stands up to her, with Peter, Joe and Cleveland arriving Justin Time before things get even more out of control.
  • I Just Shot Marvin in the Face: Comes into play with one of the jocks Meg attempts to ask to the dance and he clearly did not want to even be associated with her. While at the door of Jimmy's house, he excuses himself, after which two shots ring out. He then sprints back to the door in tears, claiming that he has to go to his little brother's funeral the night of the dance.
  • Pet the Dog: Quagmire to Meg.
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Brian delivers an awesome one to Connie D'Amico.
    Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
    Connie D'Amico: Excuse me?
    Meg: Brian let's just go.
    Brian: No, no, no hang on, hang on. You see Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobsnote  when you were twelve and now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19 you're going to be a worn out, chalky skinned burlap sack that even your step dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
  • Take That: One of the items found in Quagmire during his cavity search is a DVD copy of the movie Good Burger. Also a Stealth Pun on how "crappy" the movie was.

Family Guys S 5 E 6 Prick Up Your EarsRecap/Family GuyFamily Guy S 5 E 9 Road To Rupert

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