Homer gets the job anyway, but he's not happy about it, griping to Lenny the next day at the nuclear plant. But there's an emergency situation at the plant, and while alarms are blaring and Mr. Burns, Lenny, Carl and "Glasses" are handling the case on Lenny's safety console, Homer notices his "safety console" isn't doing anything. It turns out his safety console is a decoy, and his position of safety inspector has been just a deception for a while now, because they believe he's so incompetent that if he's doing nothing at all, the plant will be a safer place. Homer is dejected, feeling useless, and while in bed with Marge, he has a case of erectile dysfunction. Useless at work, useless at sex, he just wants to stay in tomorrow, but he's got crossing guard duties early in the morning.
Homer's first day on the crosswalk patrol arrives, and nobody is excited for it. Nelson, Milhouse and Martin laugh at how Homer is stuck in his lawn chair, and Nelson decides to taunt Homer a bit and plays keepaway with his stop sign, letting Milhouse and Martin join in. But on the other side of the road, Ralph Wiggum crosses the street without looking both ways, and Barney is speeding down the road, running late for an AA meeting. Homer saves Ralph just in time, and is regarded as a hero.
A news report is done on Homer's heroic act, and how much respect he now gets. Seeing the report, Mayor Quimby decides to increase the crossing guard budget. Thankful at this fortunate turn of events, Gil makes Homer the captain of the crossing guards. Marge and Lisa are impressed by Homer's new uniform, but Bart is hesitant to trust anyone with a badge. Homer says the crossing guards have enough budget for ten more guards, promising to hire only the best and the brightest. Twelve new recruits are seen, including Kirk Van Houten, Disco Stu, Mrs. Muntz, the Sea Captain, and Larry and Sam the barflies. Chief Wiggum shows up, thankful for saving Ralph, then he looks both ways, and crosses the street on his own. The Sea Captain point outs he didn't ask for Homer's approval before crossing, and Disco Stu takes this as a sign the crossing guards aren't being respected. Homer adopts a more strict cop-like behavior towards jaywalking violations, and as he snatches some sunglasses off of Chief Wiggum, it's clear he's starting to go mad with power.
That night at Moe's (now rebranded as a bar exclusively for crossing guards), Skinner warns Homer about an urgent memo that Homer ignored. Tomorrow will be the science fair, the bake sale, and picture day. The drop-off will be a difficult task, but as Mrs. Muntz and Moleman force the pedestrian principal out of the bar, Skinner warns that if not managed properly, tomorrow morning could be pandemonium. Homer ignores this warning.
Pandemonium ensues, as a gigantic traffic jam happens in front of Springfield Elementary, and despite all the power, influence and money Homer's crossing guards have, they are powerless to stop the traffic jam turning into a riot. Baked goods are being spilled on the ground, science fair projects are in shambles, parents and teachers are brawling, and the Prince household's pickup truck is being shook, threatening to mix together the barrels of chemicals it has loaded. The chemicals spill into eachother, and the street is swallowed up in a huge pink eruption of elephant toothpaste
.
A town meeting is held. That was Springfield's worst riot in a long time. Homer admits the blame falls upon the crossing guards...' budget. Homer demands more money, for more guards, and for overtime so the children of Springfield can cross the streets safely in the dead of night. Sideshow Mel is convinced, but Chief Wiggum objects. Homer and his crew screwed up bigtime, and they want to give him more money? Homer gives a speech about how people like him are the line between kids and drivers like him. Everyone but Chief Wiggum was won over, the crossing guards have an unlimited budget.
Homer is a leader in the streets and in Marge's bedsheets, but the power is going to his head, able to intimidate a waitress at a restaurant into giving him a free meal when he brings up he keeps her kids safe, and she doesn't even have kids. Lisa worries that Homer is being corrupted, and Homer doesn't exactly object. With an unlimited budget, the crossing guards are acting like heavily armed corrupt cops, with their gun safety and body cams off. Mayor Quimby regrets the blank checks, the crossing guards are using up way too much of the town's budget budget, and that's not factoring in the lawsuits. Wiggum whispers the idea of a budget decrease, and Homer suddenly appears behind them, outraged. Quimby explains he has no choice but to lower their budget by 1.5%, and Homer isn't having any of that, the crossing guards should never be crossed. Homer runs a smear ad against Quimby using the money they got from him. Quimby demands that Wiggum shuts Homer down.
Seeing the comment section of Homer's smear ad calling for Quimby's death, Marge fears this is going too far. A lawn chair with "CROSSABLE" painted on it is thrown through the living room window. The cops and the crossing guards have a score to settle, and it will be settled at the most dangerous spot in town, the six-way intersection. Other law enforcement factions join in the showdown, believing themselves to be the true heroes that keep American society held together. ICE, the TSA, the Meter Maids and Meter Butlers, the gun-toting Neighborhood Watch, and even lifeguards. Homer isn't intimidated by any of them, if it's a war they want, it's a war they'll get. But Homer is immediately incapacitated by an eighth party, Otto returning with the school bus. Sober enough to realize what he has done, Otto worries if he's going to jail for ramming Homer with his bus, but Wiggum is letting this one slide.
At the hospital, Lisa tells Homer that absolute power is a corruptive force, his militarized crossing guards were an army looking for an enemy, quoting the When All You Have Is a Hammer… idiom at him. As the family squabbles in front of him, Homer hallucinates that they're a bunch of nails and he's a hammer.
Tropes:
- Acquired Situational Narcissism: Homer selflessly rushes into the street to save Ralph from a car. He is hailed as a hero for it, and he immediately lets all the compliments and perks go to his head. By the time of the showdown with the cops, he's in full raging ego mode, only to get hit by a bus and wind up in traction.
- All Girls Want Bad Boys: As Homer increasingly abuses his authority, Marge finds herself enjoying this side of him (though the smear ad shakes her of this).
- An Aesop: In-Universe, Lisa tries to invoke this when she talks to Homer about his approach. Unfortunately, Bart interrupts her by being a Gasshole, and it leads to an argument amongst the rest of the family with Homer having learned nothing.
- Attack of the Political Ad: After Mayor Quimby decreases the crossing guard budget (by 1.5%), Homer issues an ad criticizing him as wanting to have children run over, as well as showing photos of him with various villains crudely Photoshopped in (and marked "real photographs"). This despite the fact that it's not an election year.
- Big "SHUT UP!": During the stand-off, Homer boasts that he's the only one in sight that has actually saved someone's life. The lifeguards chime in that they've saved plenty of lives, prompting Homer to shout this at them.
- By the Hair: Amongst the pandemonium at the big traffic jam, Ms. Hoover and Sherri and Terri's mother are seen grabbing each other's hair as they brawl.
- Cassandra Truth: Skinner wanted to talk to Homer having to coordinate drop-offs for the science fair, the bake sale, and picture day. Homer brushes Skinner's warnings of the sheer pandemonium that could ensue, only for it to all come crashing down on him the next day.
- Chekhov's Gunman: The episode begins with Otto driving away with the bus, which prompts the crossing guard plot line. Near the end of the episode, just as Homer is about to fight various law enforcement factions, Otto appears out of nowhere and hits Homer with the bus.
- Continuity Nod: In the aftermath of the elephant toothpaste explosion, Mayor Quimby says it's Springfield's worst riot since the Isotopes won the pennant.
- Covered in Gunge: The riot at Springfield Elementary ends with chemicals from the Prince family's pickup mixing together, covering the entire school grounds in elephant toothpaste.
- Dirty Cop: After the budget increase, the crossing guards of Springfield become a legion of corrupt pseudo-cops, pushing Chief Wiggum around with their power over the streets. It's telling that when Otto accidentally hits Homer with the bus, even the other crossing guards cheer for it.
- Does This Remind You of Anything?: This episode is a commentary on the growing concern that the police in America are overbudgeted and overusing their power. The stickers on Homer's laptop resemble stickers in support of the "Blue Lives Matter" movement, but with the blue stripe replaced by a safety orange one.
- Drunk with Power: What Homer falls into when the fame of being a crossing guard saving a kid goes to his head.
- Dumbass Has a Point: After Homer manages to weasel out of trouble for the riot by claiming his group needs more funding to protect the children, Wiggum is the only one at the meeting pointing out how full of it he is and that he screwed up in the first place.
- Fake-Out Opening: The episode begins with a barbarian warrior fighting trolls, then riding away on a winged horse. This is then revealed to be Otto hallucinating after eating acid brownies and driving the school bus away.
- Fun with Acronyms: Homer's crossing guard watch refers to a group as "SJWs", short for Suspected JayWalkers.
- Giant Novelty Check: Homer exits the town meeting with a giant check for "$$$$" and then Mayor Quimby gives him another giant check for "∞", in case the first blank check doesn't cover everything.
- Gilligan Cut: Homer scoffs at Skinner's warning that the combined science fair/bake sale/picture day could be pandemonium. Cut to Arne Pyle calling the situation pandemonium from a news helicopter the next morning.
- Hospital Epilogue: The episode ends with Homer in hospital after being run over by Otto.
- Hypocritical Humor: Wiggum takes issue with Homer becoming the equivalent of a Dirty Cop.Wiggum: We are sick of you crossing guards and your unaccountable, super-macho, hyper-sensitive, crazily militarized malarkey! That's our thing, damn it!
- I Take Offense to That Last One: Inverted. When Lisa worries that the high political power that Homer is gaining is subtly corrupting him, he assures her that "there's nothing subtle about it".
- Irony: Wiggum, a corrupt and incompetent police officer, is the only one standing against Homer's reign of tyranny throughout most of the episode. Later on he is joined by Quimby, who is also corrupt.
- Karma Houdini: Thanks to Wiggum, Otto gets away with not only stealing the school bus while high, but also hitting Homer with said bus (and apparently not even driving through the closed-off six-way intersection full of all the guard teams).
- Laser-Guided Karma: Homer goes too far as leader of the crossing guard, and ends up being injured by a high Otto driving the school bus.
- The Loins Sleep Tonight: After learning that his position at the nuclear plant is useless, Homer and Marge try to have sex, but Homer's feelings of uselessness led to erectile dysfunction.
- Murder-Suicide: The second act begins with Kent Brockman giving a news report about the last two giant pandas driving themselves to extinction in what zoo investigators believe to be a murder-suicide.
- My Life Flashed Before My Eyes: After Homer saves Ralph from an oncoming car, Ralph says his life flashed through his pants.
- Offscreen Teleportation: Homer suddenly appears on the other side of a road before Chief Wiggum was done crossing it, much to Wiggum's surprise. Homer also suddenly appears behind Quimby and Wiggum after Wiggum whispers to Quimby the suggesting of defunding them.
- Pun: Homer's catalogue of militaristic law enforcement supplies is named "SWAT Topic".
- Sanity Ball: Chief Wiggum has an unusually clear head throughout the episode, being the only one to notice Homer growing increasingly Drunk with Power.
- The Scapegoat: As he's condemned at the meeting for the riot, Homer tries to think of someone or thing to pin the blame for this mess on. He comes up with lack of funding, saying it that prevented proper training and equipment. Everyone but Wiggum buys it.
- Shout-Out:
- A montage of the crossing guards' enforcement with an unlimited budget is seen, stylized like the opening of CSI: Miami.
- The standoff between the crossing guards and the police, along with other law enforcement branches coming out of the woodwork, plays similar to the standoff among various news teams in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.
- Homer quotes the "Let's go nuts" line from Batman (1989).
- Smart Ball: The riot happens about halfway into the episode. The only reason that the story doesn't end there is because Homer actually had the cleverness to blame the whole thing on a lack of funding and win over the crowd with talk of the children's safety being what's most important.
- Spit Take: Mayor Quimby gives one once Homer tries to deflect the responsibility over the Springfield Elementary kerfuffle by blaming the lack of budget for causing it.
- Suicidal "Gotcha!": Otto pulls this off in his hallucination, dropping off a cliff and landing on a flying horse.
- Take That!:
- The whole episode takes many similar cues to real life examples of police corruption, except changed into crossing guards; from Homer trying to hide his egotistical incompetence going mad with power by diverging the issue towards a lack of funding, to his crossing guard team blatantly turning into the new cops of Springfield (who are told to use excessive force and even turn off their body cams to avoid getting blamed with evidence). Ironically, the only Dirty Cop in town takes an issue to all this from the beginning.
- Mayor Quimby only becomes fed up with the crossing guards not because they've gotten out of control, but because they decided to target him with a smear ad commercial after Wiggum suggested to de-fund them.
- A TSA agent calls the ICE agents "kid cagers."
- Unusual Euphemism:Marge: Uh, sweetie? It seems like your lightsaber doesn't want to go shwoom. Did you go "Han Solo" earlier tonight?
- Unwitting Instigator of Doom: Otto's friend gives him acid brownies, which leads him go on a massive trip, stealing the school bus in the process as well as kicking off the entire plot.
- When All You Have Is a Hammer…: Lisa uses the trope-naming phrase to summarize how Homer got corrupted by power. Then Bart interrupts her by belching in her face and they start arguing, which starts Marge arguing as well and Maggie crying. From Homer's perspective, the entire family starts looking like nails, and Homer imagines himself as a hammer...Homer: Must hammer nails.
- Where the Hell Is Springfield?: From what the neighborhood watch guy implies, Springfield is in a right-to-carry/constitutional carry state, of which there are 25
- Would Hurt a Child: At least one of the persons hating Quimby as a result of the slander ad proposes going back in time to kill him back when he was a baby.
