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Quotes / Solve the Soup Cans

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"I'm not usually one who's given to moan,
But I've had nothing but trouble with my new summer home
It seemed like a steal, with its lake view most spiffy,
But when I asked for the key, things began to turn iffy
'Cause they gave me three statues all covered in gore,
And said to arrange them beside the front door
To unlock the house, but I think I was scammed,
Because half of the doors still seem to be jammed"

"Keys! Codes! Cards! Parts! Chips! Shit. This isn't Resident Evil with dinosaurs. It's Myst—with tank controls!"
Stop Skeletons From Fighting on Dino Crisis

"Now, whoever created this box is just some filthy fuckin' degenerate. There are four locks on this box. The first key is on some creepy hole outta the wall with slime comin' out of it; the second key is this diarrhea toilet...You're in a padded cell and it's written with blood on the w—oh no. This is the guy. This is the guy who made CAPTCHA . After he was put in jail for makin' CAPTCHA."

You answer the phone in a hard boiled manner. You explain to the woman gruffly that you'd love to help her out, sweetheart, but you're up to your neck in all this weird puzzle shit. You hang up.

Umbrella became a successful company years ago, but it has since hit several problems with the business interior. The boss installed a suggestion box to see what problems need fixing. One employee said that he needed four crests, three keys and a jewel to get to the kitchen. The fax machine is also blocked off by sharks.

David: At this point, Clark and Kara run across two symbols and two switches, and they realize (OF COURSE!) that they have to simultaneously shoot a bank shot at the two symbols on the pillars and then have them bounce off that and hit the switches to open a hidden door. Luckily, Ollie has two bows.
Chris: Why. On Earth. Would anyone make this the way to open this crazy door?
David: Because Orion was apparently Shigeru Miyamoto.
Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Prophecy")

During the 90's we had a glut of dull adventure games where solving the puzzles required diagnosing the mental illness of the game designer. Playing them was like watching a fifteen minute movie, ten seconds at a time. And you're not allowed to see the next fifteen seconds until you can guess the writer's favorite flavor of baby.

"Adventure game puzzles were always a joke; the sheer absurdity of their logic was the punchline."

I submit that it is a "Logic Opera." The game is beautiful, things are happening... But every person you meet breaks into 'puzzle' the way that viking ladies tend to break into song, out of nowhere, and now you're riddling out some jackhole's insane chicken scratches.

Code: Veronica has you find a player piano roll in a surgical torture dungeon to unlock the death camp's casino's slot machine to get an ant statue to activate a music box to trigger the secret bed-ladder to a carousel. You haven't gone aphasic, Capcom just randomly picked words from a dictionary instead of writing them

"So you've got this letter that you desperately want your son to read... So your plan is to type up a letter and then conceal it in some rusty tool box, bolting a tray over it, and then concealing the tool box in a disused supply closet in the back corner of Wyn Tech's network server room, and then counting on your son to for no real reason grow oddly-interested in the supply closet, so much so that he sneaks into your evil boss's office — the one who murdered you, by the way — and steal a key from him, going inside and then getting strangely interested in a tool box, searching that and finding your letter. Dad, have you ever heard of a safety deposit box?"

pipes!: I'd really, like, hate to make a sandwich in Zelda land. Have to fight a boar, push a block onto a peg, which, I dunno, unlocks a door, which allows me to get mayonnaise.
Maxwell Adams: You'd have to rescue a monkey just so you can get the bread knife.
Evek: You'd have to make the bread.
pipes!: Through a series of three minigames that are completely unrelated to wheat or flour.
Ferr: Well, you have to get one item and then bring it to somebody, and then they'll give you an item and you bring it to someone and they give you honey-baked ham.
Evek: And you have to unfreeze their oven.
The Freelance Astronauts discuss this trope.


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