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Quotes / Cats Are Mean

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Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should just get used to it.

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"The kitten's face is soft and furry.
The kitten's voice is soft and purry.
The trouble with the kitten is that
Eventually it becomes a cat."

"Macavity, Macavity, there's no-one like Macavity
For he's a fiend in feline shape,
A monster of depravity"

Dogs aren't clever, they eat their own dung,
They whine like babies and sweat through their tongue,
The big ones are stupid, the small are high-strung,
But cats are
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

No cat in the world ever gave anyone a straight answer.

Cats are assholes.

You should realize by now, your highness— a cat has no duty but to do exactly as he pleases.

Bloody things, I hate those bloody cats! The way they meow and they piss everywhere and their shit just smells bloody awful! All over my furniture!
Gregg the Grim Reaper, Conker's Bad Fur Day

I don't bloody believe it! They've got fish versions of the little bastards now!
Gregg the Grim Reaper, Conker's Bad Fur Day

You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have any respect for who we are and what we do, you will be gone by morning.
Tigress, telling Po he shouldn't be the Dragon Warrior; Kung Fu Panda

Cats aren't animals. They're hate in fur. True fact.
Randy Milholland, this Something*Positive strip.

"Your human world is dying. Every day you suck this planet dry you arrange your own demise. Meow. Meow."
"And if it lights up blue, the cat's mood is "When death comes for all as it will and as it must, no one will mourn you"
— Image captions from this article on Cracked.

"Is this one of those situations that involves 'ethics?' Because I'm a cat, you know. I've never been particularly good at those."
Krosp I, Emperor of all Cats, Girl Genius

Garfield: Why does your sign say "Beware of cats"?
Dog: Because Cats Are Mean.
Garfield: Take it down or I'll beat you with it.

Jaq: Ven-Ven! Carefie Rucifie!
Ventus: Roo-si-fee?
Jaq: Rucifie a cat-cat! Meanie, sneaky! Jumpachu, biteachu!

True Facts: Cougar
Cougars have similar body types to house cats, only on a larger scale. Both types of cats are also giant assholes.

    Real Life 
Sure, dogs are stereotyped as being lovable but dumb, with cats being their cold-blooded intelligent nemeses, but between that study and everyday observations of either animal staring into a blank corner and barking or meowing for no reason, it seems pretty clear that deep down they're all rock fucking stupid, God bless them.

Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.
Christopher Hitchens, The Portable Atheist

You guys, today’s Heathcliff features Heathcliff suspended in mid-air, a là Bullet Time from The Matrix, as his angry owner-lady informs her doomed guests that hot furry death is about to descend on their faces, all yowling and slashing claws. It is honestly amazing.

Jennifer Morales was recording her Persian pussy playing with stuff on a table, as cats do, when the fluffy little shit swatted a glass to the edge. Jennifer ran over and begged that adorable demon to stop and it stopped for just a second. Jennifer kept recording, because she wanted to capture this stone cold act of cuntiness on camera (and because she knows her cup-killing cat deserve 15 minutes of viral fame). Jennifer’s cat stops for a second, lowers its paw and plays with her emotions by making her think that maybe, just maybe, it’ll take the day off from being a brat and spare the glass. HA! Never! If that cat’s thoughts were in human English and you could read its thoughts, you’d probably hear it say to itself, “Get the dustpan, trick.”

That “fuck you” look is the same look I throw at anyone who changes the channel while I’m watching the
The Golden Girls. This is why I love cats. The moment right before that cat sends that cup over the edge, its look clearly says, “You’re recording this in portrait mode, right? No sympathy for you!”''
Michael K., "This fluffy ball of “zero fucks” who is a hero and symbol to the disciples of the Don’t Give A Shit way of life"

Supposedly, you can get a tiger to back down by looking it in the eye, but I don't really believe that I have the presence to earn the tiger's respect and/or fear. I think the tiger would look me in the eyes and KNOW that I'm a chump, and then he would attack anyway. Tigers can weigh up to 700 pounds, and I read here that "a tiger's legs are so powerful that they can remain standing even while dead." That does not strike me as the kind of beast that you can hold back simply by leaning against a two-pound shitter door. The tiger gets you. And then it smokes a cigarette and poops you out.

A badass criminal cat recently slipped into an elderly English couple's home, proceeding to attack one of 'em, trash some antiques and, yes, shit everywhere...The feral villain then scaled the curtains and squatted in a window until the next morning, when the homeowners asked their motorcyclist neighbor for help. He suited up in his leatheriest leathers and managed to grasp the cat in a blanket. I mean, look at this cat. This cat does not give a fuck. That's the stare of a hardened criminal. Be vigilant. It seems unlikely cats will actually attempt to seize power, because they've got it pretty good already, but if they ever amass any serious firepower we'll be forced to spend all day, every day serving the local strays Fancy Feast.
Jezebel, "Stone-Cold Cat Trashes Home and Terrorizes Elderly Couple"

If cats are growing opposable thumbs, that means they can hold s*** like a butcherknife, a stick of dynamite, a lightsaber, or your mother's favourite toy, which she refers to as a back massager but we all know that ain't what it's for. I'm just saying, I don't want cats taking over the world. Their videos are already taking over the damn Internet!

It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it.
P. J. O'Rourke

Billington is an expert at soul-sucking abominations. Now he's in thrall to another, greater evil: one with a damaged body, so he's provided it with a convenient temporary replacement while he comes up with enough sacrificial victims and spare parts to repair its original one. What entity aboard this ship exhibits all the personality traits of a cold-blooded killing machine, combined with the monstrous, overweening vanity and laziness of a convalescent war god lounging in their personal Valhalla while their minions prepare their armor? There's only one answer. The Persian tomcat...
Bob Howard, on why a cat is the perfect host for an Eldritch Abomination; The Jennifer Morgue

Walter had never liked cats. They'd seemed to him the sociopaths of the pet world, a species domesticated as an evil necessary for the control of rodents and subsequently fetishized the way unhappy countries fetishize their militaries, saluting the uniforms of killers as cat owners stroke their animals' lovely fur and forgive their claws and fangs. He'd never seen anything in a cat's face but simpering incuriosity and self-interest; you only had to tease one with a mouse-toy to see where it's true heart lay...cats were all about using people.
Jonathan Franzen, Freedom

The Cat is held up to reprobation as a selfish animal, seeking her own comfort and disregardful of others; attached only to localities, and bearing no real affection for her owners. She is said to be sly and treacherous, hiding her talons in her velvety paws as long as she is in a good temper, but ready to use them upon her best friends if she is crossed in her humors.

Whatever may have been the experience of those who gave so slanderous a character to the Cat, my own rather wide acquaintance with this animal has led me to very different conclusions. The Cats with which I have been most familiar have been as docile, tractable, and good-tempered as any dog could be, and displayed an amount of intellectual power which would be equalled by very few dogs, and surpassed by none.
The Reverend J.G. Wood, from the 1885 book Our Living World: A Natural History.

In those ignorant times, it was believed the plague was caused by evil spirits. Now, thanks to modern science, we know that the real cause was tiny germs, which were carried by fleas which were carried by rats, which in turn were eaten by cats, which are in fact evil spirits.
Dave Barry's History of the Millenium (so far), 1300s

The ancient Egyptians had a rat problem. They tamed some cats, so the cats would kill the rats for them! Little did they know that in a few short millennia, the human race would become... SLAVES to the CAT!
Since that first fateful encounter, cats have gotten people to cater to their every whim! People decorate cats! They doctor cats! They cushion cats! They clean cats! And what do
cats do for humans? Well, they might let you pet them... OR THEY MIGHT NOT!! HA-HA!!


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