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Funny / The Librarians (2014)

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Season 1

  • Flynn's Establishing Character Moment for people who weren't familiar with him from the films: Trying to disarm a death trap while a bomb counts down behind him:
    Baird: Make it stop!
    Flynn: Well I'm trying, but this is a very complex alphanumerical code based on Latin Bible verses and it would be a lot easier to concentrate if someone were to turn off that beeping NUCLEAR BOMB!
  • Flynn calls Excalibur "Cal."
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  • Prosciutto blow torch. Even funnier as it works in Real Life.
  • "Librarians win... with ELECTROMAGNETS!"
  • " Oklahoma?"
    Eve: That's what I said!
  • Stone's absolute delight at Flynn having a flying sword.
  • Cassandra does not like her tumor being called a "Brain Grape". And then she calls it that herself.
    Minotaur roars
    Cassandra: Follow the brain grape.
    • Colonel Baird and Stone's phone conversation, following Baird finding the collection of ancient minoan art, and the others finding what's really in the human resources room. Even when running for his life, Stone has no problem snarking at her.
      Colonel Baird: I'm texting you some pictures. I found something real weird.
      Stone: Oh, didja? We found somethin' weird, too!
      Colonel Baird: I found a room full of really old art.
      Stone: Oh, that is weird! WE FOUND A ROOM FULL OF HUMAN SKULLS!
      Colonel Baird: What do you mean, human skulls?
      Stone: How many ways can I mean human skulls!?
    • Jenkins coming to the rescue with the Back Door.
    Jenkins: [looking at the group upside down through the door] I'll be damned, I did not think that would work with a cabinet door!
    • The team works out that it's the thread that's powering the labyrinth, and they need to get it to stop the murders.
      Baird: We need to get that thread.
      Ezekiel: Have I mentioned I'm a world-class thief?
      Baird: Relentlessly.
  • Ezekiel, under the effects of Santa's talisman in "And Santa's Midnight Ride", becoming a chipper, apron-wearing, carol-singing stocking stuffer.
    Ezekiel: (stops singing "Deck the Halls" with parade of kids following him to speak to Stone) Please kill me. (resumes singing)
    • Odin and Santa? Same guy. Who gets into a bar fight with some Canadians.
      • After the bar fight, it cuts to Santa and Stone holding ice packs on their heads. When Eve stops scolding them, they fist bump.
    • Baird refusing to let Santa say the third 'Ho' in 'Ho, Ho, Ho'.
    • Dulaque is unaffected by the hat. Until the group says their Christmas wish is for him to kill Santa. Then it starts working.
      • Until Cassandra says what they really want for Christmas is for him to divulge all of the Serpent Brotherhood's secrets. The hat promptly falls off.
      Cassandra: ...Too much?
      Dulaque: Just a bit.
    • Santa is a Third-Person Person. Eve doesn't like that fact.
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    • To stall Dulaque and his goons while Cassandra and Ezekiel rescue Santa, Stone and Eve play catch with some irreplaceable artifacts in Dulaque's collection.
      • And then the instant the bad guys aren't watching him, Stone frantically retrieves the statuette he'd just been juggling and reverently places it back on its pedestal, because he'd never have forgiven himself if he really broke one.
  • Bruce Campbell is Santa. John Rogers had to point out how awesome this is.
    • This also leads to the sheer comedy gold of hearing him deliver the line, "Somebody jacked Santa's ride."
  • Flynn and crew stumbling upon a dart trap triggered by sound. Flynn's strategy? Grab a shield and run screaming like a lunatic to draw its attention.
    Jenkins: May I get you anything to drink?
    Mr. Drake: The tears of our enemies wrenched from their bodies as their bones are crushed.
    Jenkins: ...I have jasmine tea.
    Mr. Drake, genuinely pleased: Ooooh, jasmine tea, lovely!
    • Flynn lampshading his own speech patterns:
    Flynn: Well, I’m not processing papal possibilities while we peruse the perimeter looking for puzzles. What am I saying? Six ps? Three thuses?
    • The Apple of Discord turning Flynn into a bombastic ham. Especially when he chases the LITs out of the room bellowing, "DADDY'S HOOOOOME!"
      Dulaque: Are you ill?
    • Everyone fretting about keeping the Apple away from Ezekiel. When he finally does get it it has no effect on him whatsoever.
    • Not extremely apparent but hilarious in retrospect. When Eve gets her hands on the apple, she becomes a power-hungry maniac. Cassandra tries to murder hundreds of thousands of people through a chain-reaction of nuclear meltdowns. Flynn declares that he's going to make himself a god with all the magic he knows. But when Stone first grabs it? He starts angrily rearranging some art in a museum.
    • How does Ezekiel know Dulaque is truly evil? He stole Ezekiel's pizza!
    • When Flynn shows up and greets everyone, the following exchange occurs:
    Flynn: Jenkins.
    Jenkins: Sir. Did you come to take them (the librarians in training) away? I keep their bags packed.
  • Eve as a fairy tale princess. That is all.
    • Cassandra is turned into the Prince Charming archetype, and suddenly becomes a Chick Magnet. She alternates between being serious weirded out by this and seeing the potential upsides.
    • Stone becomes the huntsman from "Little Red Riding Hood" and sees absolutely nothing strange in his transformation, until there's a owl on his arm. Even then, it takes him a second.
    • Once again, Jones doesn't change one bit, because he already fulfills an exaggerated archetype in his everyday life (although he had never been that good with coins before).
    • Of course. He's Jack, The Fool!
    • Oh. And the Sheriff? Ends up becoming half the Sheriff of Nottingham, half THE BIG BAD WOLF!
    • Jenkins Comically Missing the Point:
      Jenkins: It might be a troll.
      Ezekiel: ...A troll?
      Jenkins: Ah, yes, I understand your scepticism, Mr. Jones. Trolls are not indigenous to the pacific northwest...
    • This.
    Jenkins: And the genie's lamp can go.
    Cassandra: Why not the genie's lamp?
    Jenkins: (as if this is obvious) It's never the genie's lamp.
    Cassandra: Okay.
    • All the more hilarious if you read the novel The Librarians and the Lost Lamp, where this conversation is referenced, and Jenkins finally has to admit that he's wrong this time. Of course, the novel reveals that the reason Jenkins is so certain that it's not the genie's lamp is because Flynn commanded the jinn to send the lamp away, never to be found, back in 2006.
    • Jenkins' description of a vending machine. He sounds so happy!
    "I love these things! It's like a miniature apartment building and if you press the right numbers, the occupant of your choice leaps to its death!"
    • At the end of the episode, the Librarians are walking off and the Sheriff and his daughter have this exchange.
      Amy: Dad? Who are those people?
      Sheriff: They're Librarians, honey.
      Amy: [beat] Librarians?
      Sheriff: Wow. Now that I say that out loud, that does not make any sense at all.
  • In "And the Rule of Three", the day was supposed to be everyone's day off... except no one has actually gone home. Jenkins already lives there, Stone is catching up on his reading, Baird is trying to figure out how to better prepare against magical threats, and Cassandra is making a project in the other room. Then Ezekiel enters through the backdoor, with sirens in the background and a stolen item in his hand. And then he notices everyone else.
    Ezekiel: Isn't today our day off?.
    Baird, Jenkins, and Stone: Yeah.
    • Baird is not impressed at the science fair...until she sees a Baking Soda Volcano.
    • The team at the science fair in general is pretty amazing, honestly. Baird, Stone, and Ezekiel are clearly somewhere between bored to tears and just plain scared... while Cassie is dragging them around with a ridiculously giant smile, squealing at every new exhibit and having the time of her life.
    • The one STEM fair exhibitor near the end of the episode whose table was about how otters were the most dangerous creatures on the planet, and would one day kill us all.
  • The interrogation room when they find a suspect? It's a bad art decoration, on a stage twelve times its size.
  • In the otherwise bleak episode "The Heart of Darkness", Stone deduces that Eve really wants to shoot something to get back at the entity in the house.
    • Also, Stone and Ezekiel get trapped in a doll's house. While Stone is freaking out over the situation, Ezekiel is playing video games and eating samosas.
  • Ezekiel's "I will absolutely sell out the human race to our new alien overlords." in "And the City of Lights".
    • Ezekiel and Stone telling Mabel that Australians call optical illusions Colonel Bairds .
    • This exchange after Cassandra says it's unlikely they're the only intelligent life out there:
      Eve: *to Jenkins* I'll tell you what. We'll just fill in the crack you're about to make about us and intelligent life, just skip right to the job.
      Jenkins: *looking sincerely disappointed* Are you sure? It was quite cutting.
      Eve: I promise I'll be properly offended.
  • In "The Looms of Fate", Baird just walks off repeatedly saying "NOPE!" after Alt!Stone kisses her.
    Alt!Flynn: Wait, are you saying I'm in a parallel universe? Wait, is there a me, here?
    Alt!Ezekiel: Theoretically.
    Alt!Flynn: If I meet myself would I EXPLODE?
    • To say nothing of Baird's reaction to Alt!Ezekiel.
    Baird: Please tell me you and I weren't together.
    Alt!Ezekiel: What? Oh, no, no, no.
    Baird: (relieved) Oh thank god.
    Alt!Ezekiel: You were like a mother to me.
    Baird: That's mathematically im...probable.
    Alt!Flynn: Actually, that could....
    Baird: That's enough of you!

Season 2

  • From "The Drowned Book":
    • The team's proposed solution to the megastorm over NYC include Thor's hammer and Zeus's thunderbolt. They finally go with the second sun that they have in the sunroom.
    Jenkins: What else would one store in the sunroom?
    Baird: Eh...magazines, comfy chairs, mimosas?
    • Flynn runs down a long line of doors, trying to find the sunroom.
    Flynn: [opens a door, gets snow in his face] Frozen land of giants... [tries the next one to the sound of monkeys] Lost jungle kingdom... [tries the next one and hear buzzing] Hive of giant bees!
    Baird: Why do we even have that door?
    • Baird asks Flynn what happens if their plan doesn't work.
    Flynn: You and I get incinerated and New York drowns.
    Baird: [beat] Sucky pep talk!
    • Also in that episode, after successfully using the sun from the sunroom to stop the storm Jake tries to give Jenkins a handshake, both their suits are too warm however leading to Jake moving his hand quickly and accidentally hitting it on his suit that is too warm.
  • Flynn and Jones have a nasty encounter with Frankenstein's Monster but get out of the situation by suggesting, in all seriousness, that the Monster consider getting plastic surgery and pursuing an athletic career. Jones even introduces the guy to Tinder! This is after Flynn's suggestion to show the Monster some friendship and "hug it out for humanity" falls flat.
  • The normal cover of "We're the librarians." fails because they're in an actual library. Later the girl who has a book they need will only give it to them for a bribe.
  • Baird noting that "And the Broken Staff" marks the third time the library has been broken into.
  • Jenkins is frozen in a block of ice. The Librarians are trying to decide whether they should melt him or whether he should be magically thawed. Eve just whacks the ice and shatters it.
    Eve: What? The job's not all about obscure knowledge, people.
  • From And What Lies Beneath the Stones:
    • There's a door that is only opened when truths are shared. Cassandra and Jones have to keep it open, so Cassandra shares a bunch of secrets to keep it from closing:
    Cassandra: I stole sheet music of Aladdin to my grade-school music class! / I have an irrational fear of ravioli. / I always wanted to be Vietnamese. / I hate babies. Like, I HATE them! / excited ...And as I watched the light go out of his eyes...
    • Her sheer joy/relief after sharing her hatred for babies.
    • One of Cassandra's secrets is left unseen for the audience; all we know is that she ends with the phrase "...and any woman who says she hasn't is LYING!"
    • This one from Jenkins:
    Mr. Jones alone in Oklahoma is a version of the Rodgers and Hammerstein classic no one should ever see.
  • "And the Cost of Education":
    • Stone found the occult section of the Library. Unfortunately...
    Stone: [rips piles of cobwebs off of himself] By the way, it's infested with spiders!
    Jenkins: Ah. Well, spiders are our garden friends, Mr. Stone...
    Stone: Jenkins, they're three feet long!
    Jenkins: I see. I'll order some bug spray.
    • Baird cannot get over the fact that the students of Wexler College are deluded enough to think that their football team can beat Michigan State.
    • Cassandra's reaction when she realizes that the oblivious cheerleaders are using a dark magic chant as their cheer.
    Cassandra: WHAT?!
    • Cassandra and Jones infiltrate a secretive fraternity and discover that their "dark ritual" is just beerpong.
    • Ezekiel and Stone driving across a campus while Ezekiel spouts off how great he is in order to draw the attention of a monster that feeds off pride. Compounding the hilarity is that Ezekiel doesn't think of it as boasting and as a result has trouble of thinking of things to say, requiring Stone to prompt him at intervals with remarks about what a great thief he is and how he could probably beat Stone himself in a fight. Stone's growing exasperation through all of this is priceless, especially when he suggests that Ezekiel would have a chance of getting with Baird if he ever wanted to - something that Stone actually did in an alternate timeline which he is not aware of.
    • Hardass Stone going total Genki Girl after meeting Professor Bankroft, a man whom he looks up to. Then gets into an argument with him over magic.
    Eve: Dilettante? Isn't this when you slap him with a glove?
    • Ezekiel adopts a gargoyle (named Stumpy) after looking it in the eyes. It behaves like a puppy and moves around just like the Weeping Angels.
    Jenkins: I told you not to look them in the eyes. Now you'll never be rid of it!
    Ezekiel: Hey! (covers Stumpy's ears) Don't talk like that in front of him!
  • "And the Infernal Contract":
    • Stone enthusiastically tells the others that with the help of the Chupacabra they caught, he's making jerky. Made by the Chupacabra, not from. Jenkins notes that this should be safe, provided they keep it away from the Library's goats.
      • The mere fact that, among countless artifacts of magical power and a menagerie of odd creatures like three-foot-long spiders and a hive of giant bees, the Library has goats.
    • Stone is gloating about how Ezekiel is turning good after the reveal that he isn't using magic to steal stuff. Ezekiel counters by handing Stone back his own wallet, now devoid of cash.
    • Sesselman in general is pretty amusing to watch, in large part due to being played by John de Lancie. It's not hard to imagine Q or Discord reading some of his lines.
    • Sesselman is about to engage in some Evil Gloating over the fact that Baird made a wish. Then he realizes exactly what it was she'd wished for.
      Baird: I wish you were a human being.
      Sesselman: Ha! You just made a mis...what did you say?
    • Jenkins tanks a bunch of rocks falling on him and snarks at Sesselman.
      Jenkins: I'll be billing you for the suit.
      Jenkins: [winks] Now you're getting it.
  • "And the Image of Image":
    • Baird has started talking to the Library like Flynn does. She doesn't find it that weird now that she's met the building face-to-face.
    • Cassie ruins the badass walk by turning her ankle in her heels and knocking over both Stone and Jones.
    • A drunk Cassandra can't stop giggling over the weird animals that interrupt her visions. She also keeps poking Baird's face, which leads to a scene where Cassie seems to be contemplating kissing her, much to Baird's unease.
    • Stone cannot get into the club, which leads to some funny interaction between him and the bouncer.
      Bouncer: Sorry, Yank, cowboy bar is down the street.
      Stone: What part of this outfit says cowboy?!
      • To stage a distraction, Stone gets into an argument with the bouncer about which country, Britain or America, has the best writers. Which is the closest Stone gets to getting in the club after him and the bouncer end up bonding over the argument—the bouncer starts to let him in, but then Jones shows up and says they have to leave.
  • "And the Point of Salvation"
    • Once Jones figures out what's going on, realizing that they're in a video game, he's almost ecstatic. Stone is even more happy. Of course, Jones's method of demonstrating involves kneecapping him with Baird's pistol and then tossing him a health pack.
    • Jones announces they'll rocket-jump with grenades to cross a deep pit. Baird is...unimpressed:
  • "And the Happily Ever Afters"
    • All the LITs are trapped in a spell and given their own personal ideal lives, the details of which they instantly rattle off to Flynn and which get more and more ridiculous as the story goes along, until it borders on Mary Sue fanfiction. Stone has 11 degrees, and teaches multiple classes at the "University of Sicily" (note that Sicily is a town with less then 2000 people). Jones? Is an FBI agent, a rules-breaking maverick who gets results. Cassandra's? She is a highly distinguished astronaut with multiple lunar landings under her belt and currently does a successful children's show where she teaches math and science... and she also has ponies.
    • Flynn pointing out the absurdity of their ideal lives... not to mention his reaction to Eve's relationship to Moriarty.
  • "And the Final Curtain"
    • When Jones states that the loss of the internet is like being back in 1995:
    Flynn: I hope not. I made some bad bicycle pants choices that year.
    Eve: There are no good bicycle pants choices.
    Eve (concerned): Was the world originally ruled by talking dinosaurs Flynn?
    Cassandra (excited): Were we all dinosaurs?
    Eve: Don't even think about it.
    Cassandra: Was there a dinosaur me?
    Eve: I said don't think about it!
    • When Eve and Flynn run into Moriarty in the past:
    Eve: Tell me that's not a robot from the future, because I could not handle that right now.
    • Flynn putting the "ham" in Hamlet via an awful performance of it.

Season 3

  • "And The Rise of Chaos":
    • The group joining each other in a rousing rendition of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" in order to counter Apep's chaos magic. A little cheesy? Sure, but still funny as hell.
    • As a result of the above, Ezekiel suggests that they should start a band, which prompts Cassandra to start suggesting names. Among her ideas are "The Dewey Decibels" and "The Bibliotechnos."
    • And Eve knows exactly what Flynn means by harmony when he says it's the only way to beat chaos. She goes along with it anyway.
  • "And the Fangs of Death":
    • Flynn and Baird burst in on Charlene, who they think is in danger. Turns out she's getting a massage from four or five burly, oiled-up cultists who she's convinced that she's their goddess.
    • Flynn talks down a jumpy security guard with the usual "We're the Librarians" line.
  • "And the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy":
    • Stone objects to a man deeming seventeen of his students winning the lottery at the same time a coincidence.
    • Ezekiel's attempts at arming himself failing when the weapons prove to be too heavy to wield.
    Ezekiel: Why is heavy metal so bloody heavy?!
  • In "And the Trial of the Triangle", the team ends up aboard a Chilean airplane that's headed towards the Bermuda Triangle, and the pilots have both disappeared. With nobody on the team being particularly confident that they can land the plane safely, they attempt an evacuation, and Flynn is asked if he can speak Spanish so that he can deliver instructions to the other passengers. He can, technically... except that it's Renaissance-era Spanish, and thus the passengers can't understand him.

Season 4

  • "And The Silver Screen"
    • Pretty much everything about Flynn and Eve getting stuck in a stereotypical black-and-white detective movie is hilarious, but special mention goes to the scene where Eve has to dig a bullet out of Flynn's arm...and because of the rules of the spell, it won't actually come out until Flynn claims that it doesn't hurt.
    • Stone, Cassandra and Ezekiel getting stuck in an old cowboy musical. Stone gets into the role, complete with a musical number around the campfire. Cassandra loves it. Ezekiel tries plugging his ears with his kerchief.
    • And then they wind up in an absolute stinker of a sci-fi B-movie... whose script Cassandra has memorized. And while Cassandra and Ezekiel are now in ridiculous spacesuits, Stone is still in the cowboy getup.
    • And at the climax of the episode, when the three show up to rescue Eve and Flynn at the climax of the detective story, not only are they all still wearing the costumes, but Stone launches into a reprise of the song he was singing in the cowboy movie!
  • "And The Graves of Time"
  • "And the Disenchanted Forest"
    • Jenkins giving up his immortality to save Nicole in the previous episode was most definitely a Tear Jerker. Jenkins spending the entire opening scene complaining about how much mortality sucks? Not so much.
  • Jenkins having to dance in the episode "And Some dude named Jeff" in order to get back into his body.
    • Also Jeff's friends helping Jenkins go though the traps is funny in itself
    Jenkins: Would you please stop setting off boobytraps!


Off-screen: Cincinnati Library's tweets on the show:
  • "Filing evil under history" is an interesting cataloging decision. We usually file it under 111.84.
  • "Try not to die" = Wise words for those beginning their MLIS degrees.
  • We files aliens under the 001s, at the beginning of all knowledge. We can neither confirm nor deny what you may infer...
  • Little known fact: interdimensional identity swapping is actually how we all became librarians.
  • We frequently experience the phenomenon of books flying off the shelves, but not quite so literally.
  • This trailer, in which the dramatic narrator keeps trying to give the team heroic-sounding names like "The Legendary Legion."
    Stone: *exasperated* We're the Librarians.
    Narrator: Um...really?
    Baird: Yep. You got it.
    Narrator: ...okay.

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