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Season One

  • When it seems that Lydia has a problem with Elena's sexuality: Lydia thinks Penelope will judge her for being a "homofalopian".
  • This scene from "Quinces":
    Alex: It's gonna be fine, but Tía Mimi just got a call, and you know the Fajardos?
    Penelope: [rapidly] Rosita, Diana, Marta, Cristina, Juanito and Baby Juanito? Can't come because of a baptism on Rosita's mother's side?
    Alex: [beat] They're coming.
    Penelope: [groans loudly] Oh, come on! I should have known better! The Fajardos are OG Cubans. They run on Caribbean time! Cristina was pregnant with Baby Juanito for eleven months and she still thinks he was premature!
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  • Lydia storming off into her room, and actually yelling "SLAM!" as she pulls the curtains closed.
  • Lydia's reaction when Elena is not literally sobbing with joy over her quinces dress.
    Lydia: I have failed you. I have failed my family. I have failed Cuba.
  • Poor Berkowitz accidentally knocks over Penelope's precious seating chart for the quinces. Before a room full of shocked Alvarezes, all he can say is, "I don't feel safe."

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Season Two

  • The cooler of "snacks" they bring to the baseball game. Rice and beans in one container, meat and veggies in another and cookies in the cookie tin but they're not the cookies that came with the cookie tin.
  • This bit:
    Penelope: What have I told you about comparing yourself to other people?
    Alex: To always do it and make sure I'm better.
    Penelope: No, that's your abueltia.
  • Some Crosses the Line Twice humour in "Locked Down": During a lock down, Penelope discovers Lydia has been keeping a gun in the apartment without her knowing, and orders her mother to take it to the police first thing. Lydia takes this to mean she should wave over to the police helicopter and shout, "We have a gun!" Fortunately, Penelope clarifies she was talking about the police station before the worst happened.
  • To distract her mother, Penelope says, "There are more than three people in this apartment and no one is cooking? What kind of Cuban are you?" Lydia replies, "You're right. Mala Cubana!"
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  • After Syd and Elena's Big Damn Kiss, the armed helicopter's spotlight shines on them.
    Pilot: KISSING TEENAGERS! PLEASE GO BACK INSIDE!
    Elena: IN A MINUTE!
  • In a flashback to just after Elena's birth, Victor comments to Penelope, "I installed the car seat. Then your father reinstalled it. Then your mother reinstalled it. Then they started arguing... then they started making out! When I left them, they were salsa dancing in the parking lot."
    • Also in the flashbacks, Schneider's utterly ridiculous hairstyle.
  • This lovely bit of Crosses the Line Twice from Schneider.
    Schneider: So it's Fourth of July, 2011. I'd been sober for a while, so I thought I'd celebrate with a beer. Woke up three days later in an alley. (beat) Then the bowling ball hit me. I was in the gutter for a long time. (beat) It's really slippery without the shoes.
  • "Will you be my starter wife?"
  • While speaking to a nun, Schneider attempts the sign of the cross. He is awful at it.
  • A bit of Black Comedy in the finale.
    Penelope: (to Lydia) You can't have a stroke to win an argument! That's not fair.
  • Alex attempts to flirt with some pretty girls Elena brought home... all of whom are gay.
    Lydia: Ay, papito. You are barking up so many wrong trees.

Season Three

  • The way the entire family is in utter and complete denial over Pilar having come out as gay years ago. This includes the Running Gag of folks just holding up their hands as a "you know" gesture rather than say it.
    • When Pilar explains she used the mantilla for her wedding to her girlfriend, everyone is thrown to realize "that was a wedding?"
      • Made better when she reminds them that they were at the wedding
  • The different nicknames for the tías. Especially Penelope's, "tía divorce".
  • The very idea of Estrellita trying to lead a family of Cuban-Americans (that includes a few gay people) in a toast to "our President making America great again." The slow double-takes as Penelope asks "I'm sorry, what?" and the quick cut to credits makes it better.
  • The noise Elena makes when she vomits, described as a sad foghorn or a drunken moose.
  • Penelope searched Alex's whole room top to bottom, looking for marijuana. Schneider looks around for a literal second, and produces a stash from a fake can of deodorant.
  • Lydia unknowingly takes Dr. Berkowitz's medical marijuana, causing her to trip out at the opera.
    (rises up from behind Doc's chair, pointing at the stage) "THE CASTROS HAVE FOUND ME!"
  • As Elena waits to take her driving test, another student pulls up with one of the headlights hanging off, and weeps that she shouldn’t have studied exactly like Elena did.
  • Penelope finds out Elena and Syd have had sex, and the look on her face is like she’s staring into a Stygian abyss.
  • Elena high on test prepping.
    Elena: You taking your practise NP test. Me taking my practise SAT test. Mine's harder. No-I'm-kidding-actually-I'm-not. NextstopYale!
  • Schneider knocks on the door when he shows up to introduce his father, also dressed in a suit. Penelope is suitably weirded out, especially by Schneider's tone, which sounds something like a door-to-door salesman.
    Penelope: Since when do you knock? And dress like American Psycho?
    Schneider: I always knock. I'm the landlord. It's a courtesy!
    Penelope: Did you join a cult? Again?
  • The brief Running Gag where Penelope starts to walk towards Schneider's dad every time he says something offensive, with the obvious intention of hurting him, and Schneider grabs her by the shoulders and holds her still.
  • Victor visits the family with his new fiancee, Nicole, (who looks like Penelope, down to the hairstyle) and Schneider walks in, greeting Nicole like she's Penelope then greeting Penelope at which point he realizes what's going on and is weirded out.
    • Made better by when he goes to shake Nicole's hand after being introduced and pauses to check with Penelope.
      Schneider: Wait, am I mad about this?
      Penelope: All good.
  • At the AA meeting Penelope accompanies Schneider to, she finds out his first name. It's Pat. Her response is to mouth it at him in confusion and he just shrugs at her while she makes a judgy face.
  • Penelope and her friends from the support group go to a bar so Penelope can drown her sorrows about Victor and Nicole. Now very drunk, Penelope rants that Nicole is a special education teacher — the one job you absolutely cannot mock. Another woman, also plastered, indignantly shouts, "She did that on purpose!"
  • Penelope, to use Elena's term, "flipping out" before Victor's wedding.
    Penelope: [in hair rollers and a bathrobe] There are only two types of people who go to their ex-husband's wedding. Psychopaths... and heroes. Guess which one I am?
    [An insanely awkward pause as everyone avoids eye contact.]
    Penelope: I'M A HERO! Now, let's go!
    [Penelope storms out, still in the bathrobe and rollers.]
    Elena: ...When she comes back in, nobody make eye contact.
    [Five seconds later, Penelope walks back in and walks with purpose to her bedroom, while everyone looks anywhere but her face.]
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