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Funny / Courier's Mind: Rise of New Vegas

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Season 1
The Courier: Time to go and earn some brownie points. Fuck the system bitches!

Eddie: This is Powder Ganger territory - My territory.
The Courier: Well thanks for the information asshole, now do me a favor, and see if my gun barrel's clocked! Bam!

Season 2
The Courier: Let me give you scumbags a piece of my mind, free of charge! Please tip the postman!
Primm Slim: You're plumb loco partner.
The Courier: Yeah yeah, read my face. Tell me how much of a fuck you think I give.

Season 3

The Courier: What the fuck happened to this place? Okay, I don't know who did this, but Satan's gonna sue them for plagiarism.

Vulpes Inculta: I want you to teach everyone you meet the lesson that Caesar's Legion taught here.
The Courier: If I want to learn how to nail a guy to a cross, I'll find you myself!

Season 9

Papa Khan: So the cub enters the wolf's den.
(*Beat*, music plays)
Papa Khan: You've got guts, I'll give you that. What do you want, cub?
(*Beat*, music plays)
The Courier: I dont' trust that guy knows what he's doing. Not sure where I got that impression.

Papa Khan: You wanna hear the story of the Great Khans? It's a long one, full of honor, glory, and betrayal.
The Courier: How about... "No"? Or better yet, "Go fuck yourself"?

The Courier: How the fuck did I get involved in this? Guys, next time I get a stupid idea like this, punch me in the face.
Cass: Music to my ears.
    Season 1 
Episode 1
  • Before getting shot and Left for Dead, The Courier's inner monologue at the very beginning of Episode 1 notes that he "got [his] ass kicked" for the third time in the same week.
  • When in the midst of drowsiness:
    The Courier: Ugh.... I didn't do anything... he was already dead...
  • The Courier's inability to remember his own name in the pilot episode.
    The Courier: What were you saying? Uh, my name... It's Jack. No wait, that's my cousin's name, sorry. Uhm... It's... Wait a minute. Okay, okay, stay calm, stay calm, I can do this... It's, um... Right, this is not... *sigh* Please excuse me for a minute, Doc. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! This is not happening! How can I not remember my own name? I don't like amnesia, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't like me either, so let's both agree on a mutual dislike, and leave! Each other! Alone!
    • There's also the fact that he remembers his job, and not his name.
    The Courier: Wow, I can remember my job, but not my name? Talk about being dedicated to your career. Employee of the fucking month, here I come!
  • When reflecting on how he got his injuries in the first place from what little he remembers:
    The Courier: Yeah, I can't remember what was in my employment contract exactly, but I'm fairly certain this wasn't part of it. Ugh. I mean, if I knew this would happen, I would've kneecapped the contractor, wiped my ass with the paper, and then, I don't know, made him swallow it.
  • When he walks to the other end of the room to reach the Vigor Tester:
    Doc Mitchell: Looking good so far.
    The Courier: I nearly tripped three times.
  • On the fact that Doc Mitchell is using a Vit-O-Matic Vigor Tester to test his vitals:
    The Courier: Look, I don't mean to insult your medical training or anything, Doc, but I don't think I can trust the medical evaluation of something that's coin-operated. Look, can't you just do this the old-fashioned way, Doc, you know, with blood samples, urine analysis, anal probe - on second thought, I'll just do this instead.
Episode 2
The Courier: (After actually using the Vit-O-Matic) Well that was a colossal waste of time. And there was me thinking I shouldn't judge a book by its cover. But those tests, heh, they were just pure nonsense. "S.P.E.C.I.A.L." my ass.
  • This leads to The Courier becoming confused by Doc Mitchell's comments about the bullets doing his brain some good.
    • It also makes The Courier suspicious of Mitchell's actual skills as a doctor, which is only compounded by later events seen below.
  • When Doc Mitchell suggests that a psych test be conducted, The Courier wonders how useful such a test would be when there wasn't anything to compare it to.
    The Courier: I mean, for all you know, I was already a murdering psychopath - not that I am one mind you, I'm just trying to make a point.
  • The Courier's reasoning for his choices on the word association test:
    (Dog)
    The Courier: I'm gonna say train. As in training it to be a pet, not running it over.
    (Night)
    The Courier: Silencer. Getting sinister now, doc, what do you make of that?
    (Mother)
    The Courier: Well, if she's anything like me, it's tattle.
  • The Courier's response to the statement "I'm slow to embrace new ideas" is that he always embraces new ideas — unless they're the "kinky type of idea".
  • When asked what he sees on the Rorschach Test, The Courier's first response is "a piece of paper with some ink on it."
  • The Courier immediately mocks his test results and the fact that Doc Mitchell allows The Courier to pick his own choices, as that made the psych test entirely pointless. He also notes that the test results got one of his skills wrong.
  • The "family history form" (which is just the trait selection menu, complete with flavor texts that mention game stats) leaves The Courier... very confused, and he takes the time to mock the fact that some traits (some of which are only disadvantages in real life) somehow provide bonuses in some circumstances.
    (Built To Destroy)
    The Courier: What does it mean "three percent chance to Critically Hit"? Who wrote this shit?
    (Claustrophobia)
    The Courier: ......"probably because of the mutants that live the-" Oh my God someone stab me. ... Yeah, the first half made more sense. Look, I don't know what kind of patients you've met Doc but I'm pretty sure someone with claustrophobia isn't superior to other people just because they're outside.
    (Early Bird)
    The Courier: Hey early risers! Oh, it's written in that tone. All right...(Mockingly cheery tone) Hey early risers! ... (Normal tone) What the hell is this, a Corn Flakes commercial?
    (Fast Shot)
    The Courier: ..."twenty percent more quickly" Again, what's with the percentages? Are we rating my performance or something? Is there a universal standard for the art of slaughter I'm not aware of? Because if so, I want to apply to the committee.
    (Four Eyes)
    The Courier: Wow, that's sensitive.... What is this suggesting, anyway? I understand how short-sighted people might suffer a bit without glasses, but do they honestly see better than normal people with them on? Doesn't work like that surely. Otherwise people would be deliberately causing damage to their own eyes. All snipers would have to be short-sighted as a standard.
    (Good Natured)
    The Courier: Again, how can you measure that medically?
    (Heavy Handed)
    The Courier: ... Wow, I guess it's given up on the whole "medical history" malarkey completely now. This isn't a medical checkup! It's a bloody mercenary recruitment program! I mean look, almost all of these things are about how good you are at killing, or anything else related. I don't even need to look at any of these anymore.
  • Once he's recieved Doc Mitchell's Vault Suit:
    The Courier: At least I'm not half-naked anymore. Uh... why is this thing bright blue and skin-tight?
Episode 3
  • Upon checking the Pip-Boy for the first time, The Courier has some choice words when considering the features it offers.
    The Courier: I still can't believe Doc Mitchell gave me this thing for free. I mean, it must (be) worth at least a few thousand caps. I won't sell it straight away, though. It's got a map, at least. Considering the state I'm in, God knows where I'll end up without it. Probably somewhere in the Pacific if I'm not careful. "Hey! Where did all this water come from? I didn't drink that much before bed, did I?" Look, it even keeps your inventory for you. Now that's lazy. "Yeah, I'm too busy to remember how many stimpaks I've got. I've got shit to do!" ... I can't believe those raiders didn't bother to loot my body though. It sure says something about their intellect. But wait, I got taken out by them, so what does that say about me? I better not think too hard about this.
  • The Courier looks at his contract only to discover that he was only carrying one item...
    The Courier: This package contains: One oversized poker chip, composed of platinum. Right, so, a platinum chip. Uh, is... is that it? (*Beat*) I nearly died for this? Y- You're in the Vegas area! Go get a poker chip from there if you want one so badly! And - why did I only carry one? What kind of efficiency is this? Did the casino lose one chip, and had to resupply themselves this badly? Okay, I'm betting right now, this isn't just a platinum chip. I'm not saying that because I know for sure, but because I refuse to believe that the radiation have made us this retarded...
    (Later in the contract)
    The Courier: Failure to deliver (to) the proper recipient may result in forfieture of your advance and bonus... criminal charges? And/or pursuit by mercenary reclamation teams? Okay, maybe it's not a good idea to go to Primm then...
  • Another comment on the vault suit The Courier recieved from Doc Mitchell (which he traded for regular clothes offscreen):
    The Courier: Yeah, call me crazy, but somehow a bright-blue skin-tight jumpusit doesn't really say "discretion" to me. Now, what it does say is "sexual ambiguity", but honestly, there's a time and a place for that. And it's not even about my fashion tastes. I would've gotten molested by every single raider from here to the coast if I walked around dressed like that. And even if they don't think I'm a vault dweller, they would assume I killed one and looted his corpse, so they would still shoot me. You can't win either way, really.
Episode 4
  • The Courier does further pondering on what working for Doc Mitchell as a mercenary could mean.
    The Courier: I'm not sure I want to work as a merc for a doctor. I mean, what the hell would I be doing? Attacking rival doctors?
Episode 5
  • The Courier gets sidetracked from collecting Broc Flowers, instead digging and looting graves.
    • He winds up accidentally decapitating one of the bodies in the graves with his shovel.
    The Courier: I need to be more careful. A hundred years from now, some archaeologist is gonna dig this guy up and say "Hm. I think the cause of death was a decapitation via sharp object. Possibly shovel or spade."
    • In one of the graves he finds a dose of Psycho...
    The Courier: What's that meant to be? A satchel with a syringe poking out? Is this some kind of medication?
  • Pop*
    The Courier: WOAH! Okay, that doesn't smell like any medication I know about! I swear, if this thing isn't illegal then we're more fucked up as a society than I thought.
    The Courier: What is that, a Broc Flower... Oh shit! Ah, this is why I came up here in the first place! How did I forget about - wait, fuck! That means Sunny's been waiting for me this whole time! Oh God, what am I gonna tell her? Yeah, sorry for taking so long, I was too busy looting graves. You're welcome to some of the stuff I found.
Episode 6
  • The Courier's first meeting with Barton Thorn begins with The Courier saying "I wasn't gonna loot your trailer, what gave you that idea?". It only gets better from there:
    Barton Thorn: Hello? Can you help me?
    The Courier: Oh! Okay... I was just trying to make small talk, I didn't think it would go that far. What happened?
    Barton Thorn: My girl is trapped by geckos on the ridge, and I can't get to her! Please! She's going to die!
    The Courier: Ah, man, not more geckos! I've seen enough of those things for one day, thank you very much. And what the hell are you doing around here? Just waiting for a passer-by who's manlier than you are? Some boyfriend you turned out to be. Where the hell is she, anyway?
    (Barton Thorn gives directions)
    The Courier: Look, I expect to be paid for this, all right? And don't you fucking start with the whole "Oh, we're just a poor family who can't afford any rewards". I don't take that shit. Understand? Okay. I'll go and have a look, but no promises.
    Barton Thorn: You will? Thank you for helping me. Please hurry.
    The Courier: Hey, I'll do this at my own damn pace, okay? I shouldn't even have to do this for you, she's your girl. Do yourself a favor and grow a pair while I'm gone, all right?
    • After fighting off the first few geckos:
    The Courier: This girl has better be there now. But, knowing my luck, she won't be. Sorry, Courier, but the girl you're looking for is on a different fucking ridge! You're supposed to go the other way!
    • Once The Courier reaches the top of the ridge, the corpse he finds up there only has one cap on its inventory. Furthermore, the stash has several dozen rounds of 10mm ammo, but no pistol.
    The Courier: I mean, what were they trying to achieve with that extra millimeter? Were they gonna make an 11 millimeter round too?
    • And once Barton Thorn tries to kill The Courier (by using a pipe, rather than his pistol):
    The Courier: And there was me thinking I just might make it through the day without having to kill anyone!
(After looting Barton Thorn's corpse)
The Courier: A-and you know what? This was all your fault, on every level. I mean, look at this. You had a gun on you, yet you tried to whack me with a fucking pipe. As far as underestimating your enemies goes, you're setting a new standard.
  • Finally, after encountering some Horsenettle and recalling an unfortunate experience in his youth regarding those plants, The Courier wonders about his memories, and ultimately concludes that he has to experience things in order to remember them, deciding to head to the saloon for a drink.
    The Courier: I want to remember as many parties as I can. Especially any Christmas ones.
(*Beat*)
The Courier: Actually, do we even celebrate Christmas anymore?
Episode 10
  • When dealing with Chavez's men, The Courier has this to say:
    The Courier: This is just taking the piss, now. This guy slept through a gunfight and several explosions, but the sound of me approaching woke him up? I get it! I'm bad at stealth! Stop rubbing it in!
    • Later:
    The Courier: It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Except both of them are holding guns.
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    Season 2 
  • When taking down the escaped convicts in Primm, in season two, The Courier lampshades their sheer stupidity in numerous aspects, from failing to notice The Courier's presence in spite of several gunfights, to lighting a fire and even preparing to use a flamethrower indoors, which, as he notes, could have killed everyone in the building.
  • After rescuing Deputy Beagle, The Courier lampshades the Deputy's sheer incompetence in both allowing his sister and boss to be killed, and then getting captured without firing a single shot. Not too long after freeing him:
    The Courier: I think my painkiller is wearing off, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start howling like a wounded animal now. (Screams and groans).
  • When clearing the second floor, The Courier sounds like he's about to make a badass boast, but the things he says in the second half kind of ruin it:
    The Courier: To any potential hostiles, this is your only warning. Drop your weapons, pull down your pants, and prepare to be examined without dignity.
  • After narrowly avoiding a dynamite explosion:
    The Courier: Aaaahh! Son of a one-eyed mutant bitch!
    Season 3 
  • The season three opener:
    (At the Mojave Outpost)
    The Courier: JACKSON, YOU PRICK! WHERE ARE YOU?! No worries, Major, we have a little understanding between us, like how he's supposed to give me a fucking job description! note 
  • After meeting with Ghost on the roof, The Courier tries to make a badass exit by jumping off, only to fall on a prickly tree.
  • Predictably, his conversations with Oliver Swanick (where The Courier asks ED-E to arm his laser) and Sharon Cassidy.
  • As The Courier walks into the town of Nipton, he wonders why he isn't seeing the smoke that Ghost mentioned, only for it to suddenly appear in front of his eyes. The Courier wonders if Benny's shooting of him in the head messed up the part of his brain that processes images, but then recalls that it's located near the back of the brain.
  • The Courier briefly considers how funny it would be if he defeated The Legion over something completely trivial, just to mess with future historians, who will have to explain his absurd motivation for defeating the evil Legion.
    The Courier: It'll be funny, though. After all the evil things those Legionaries did, it turns out the guy who killed them did it for completely trivial reasons. That would piss off the NCR politicians, I can tell you that much. At the end of the day, is there a higher calling than winding up a bunch of politicians and historians?
    The Courier pretending to be a young boy: Why did The Courier destroy the Legion, daddy? Was it to show that freedom and justice will always prevail?
    The Courier: No, son, they insulted his mother and stole his change. The moral of the story? Don't fuck with me.
  • The Courier breaks the news of Nipton's destruction to Ghost:
    The Courier: Anyway, the bad news is, Nipton's been wiped out by the Legion. The good news is, you're now so shocked, I don't have to come up with any.
    Season 4 
  • The season four trailer:
    NCR Soldier: I've seen soldiers get assigned there. It's like they were told they were gonna die.
  • After being hit by the third grenade in the same day:
    The Courier: Did I do something to piss off the god of explosions today or something!?
    • The second grenade elicited this reaction:
    The Courier: Not again! Not again you jackasses! Your pineapples are too ripe! You're growing them wrong! Too much iron and not enough vitamins!
    • Also, while battling robots and gun turrets in Helios One:
    The Courier: Pain killers! Pain killers cure everything!
    Season 5 
  • When cutting off someone's head for the first time in Season Five:
    The Courier: Well, this is the part I've been dreading most. I just hope it doesn't splatter too much - AAH! It's in my eyes! Aah it's in my fucking eyes! Holy shit you spiteful bitch! You just had to get a last hit in before going to hell, didn't ya?
Episode 3
    Season 6 
  • The Courier angrily yelling at the various salespeople throughout Freeside.
    Salesman: Do you want someone dead? Really dead?
    The Courier: Yeah, you for a start!
  • After being hit by the third grenade in the same day:
    The Courier: Did I do something to piss off the god of explosions today or something!?
    • The second grenade elicited this reaction:
    The Courier: Not again! Not again you jackasses! Your pineapples are too ripe! You're growing them wrong! Too much iron and not enough vitamins!
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    Season 7 
  • The opening conversation of Season Seven:
    The Courier: So, it's late, we have more caps than we know what to do with courtesy of the late Van Graffs, Madam Cassidy here just finished a third bottle of whiskey in the last ten minutes, and Vegas is right in front of us. Any one feel like going mountain climbing?
    Boone: Sure.
    Veronica: Huh?
    ED-E: (Beeps and bloops)
    Cass: Someone's looking to cash their chips early. Piece of shit.
    Veronica: Nuh-uh. I don't think so.
    The Courier: God you guys are gullible. Of course we're heading for The Strip!
  • After getting to know the Boomers, The Courier has this to say:
    The Courier: Ambitious with no sense of self-awareness. They should fit into The NCR nicely.
  • Upon seeing Cazadors for the second time:
    The Courier: Trust me, these guys are bad news. We're going to want to stay away from them. And we just walked into a nest, because of course we did. Why would god only put one those thing there, when he can put a dozen more? Same logic applies to geckos, feral ghouls, and what ever other nasty shit that can try and kill us.
  • After meeting Mr. House's robot "girlfriend", The Courier has this to say.
    The Courier: Considering how your AI was written by an egotistic maniac, you're awfully fond of the guy.
  • Actually seeing Mr. House:
    The Courier: Oh, and what the hell is this? I'm going from speaking to one monitor to speaking to a different monitor? Wow, I'm really moving up in the world, aren't I? Well, good evening to you, Mister House. I do apologize for the wait, you were probably getting a bit impatient over here. It's difficult to tell, really, when you're just a static image, so I had to make assumptions.
  • When Mr. House's monitor suddenly reads "Connection Lost..." in the middle of a conversation:
    The Courier: Uh! Uh... Okay, no offense but how much did you pay for this setup? I mean, can you even hear me right now? Huh. This is the same network that's controlling an army of killer robots. Best not to think too hard about that one. Seriously, is this a passive-aggressive way of telling me to fuck off or can I get a few more details?
    Mr. House: (Monitor returning to normal) What did you wish to know?
    The Courier: Oh hi, you're back! That was, uh, perfectly normal. Oh yeah, heh heh, nothing disturbing about that.
  • After Mr. House repeatedly discourages overt attacks when taking care of Benny:
    The Courier: God, all this talk about subtlety is starting to make me think you don't want me to shoot up the place and disembowel him in public. What's the alternative here, infiltration and then disembowel him?
  • While negotiating his pay with the Garrets, The Courier has ED-E turn on the Battle Theme Music before he starts arguing with her.
    The Courier: Thanks ED-E.
    Season 8 
  • When on the trail to get to another Ranger Outpost, The Courier's companions wind up attacking some Geckos off by the side of the road. The Courier's response?
    The Courier: Okay guys, I know this trip hasn't been the most eventful so far but holy crap! Can we not start shit for the sake of it? Jesus Christ -
    (More Geckos appear)
    The Courier: Oh! Nevermind! Resume the shit! Resume the shit! Oh God...
    The Courier: Oh! Oh! Double up the shit! Double it up! Put your back into it!
    (Later in the fight)
    The Courier: Are you watching this, God? I would like to lodge a formal complaint to your design team, they're running out of ideas!
  • After finally storming Fortification Hill and killing Caesar, The Courier decides to "enact some Courier justice".
    The Courier: Good luck finding your limbs in hell!
    Arcade: (disgusted noise)
    (chainsaw noises, fade to the end credits sequence)
    Cass: You are such an asshole sometimes.
    Season 9 
  • The Courier is told to shape up the Misfits who all seem to not understand what he says, therefore he decides to go full R. Lee Ermey on them.
    The Courier: OKAY, You worthless sacks of shit! Show me you know how to aim those rifles and give me a volley on those targets! Come on, Get to it!
    The Courier: Do you hear that? That is the sound of fuck all happening. I didn't ask for that. SQUAD LEADER, Why are giving me something I didn't ask for?
    Mags: Okay, everybody's lined up and ready to go. Any suggestions?
    The Courier: CARRY OUT MY INSTRUCTIONS! I asked for a volley on those targets, so get yourselves in position, preferably not in each other's line of fire. I wouldn't normally tell people this, but I'm taking it nice and slow just for you guys.
    (*Beat*, again)
    The Courier: Hey, are you even listening to me? FOCUS, LADY!
    Season 12 
  • The Courier gets his hands on the Q-35 Matter Modulator and spends most of episode 7 gleefully testing it out on Legionaries.
    The Courier in slow motion Will! It! Melt?!
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