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Characters / The Gods Are Bastards

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Some of the Loads and Loads of Characters of "The Gods Are Bastards".

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Unseen University

Class of 1182

     Trissiny Avelea 
A paladin chosen by Avei, the goddess of war and justice and protector of women. Trissiny is outspoken, athletic, powerful, and a devout feminist.


     Tobias Caine 
The Hand of Omnu, god of life, the sun and agriculture, a natural and trained peacemaker.

     Gabriel Arquin 
A half-demon whose intelligence is eclipsed by his ability to say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong moment.
“You are, indeed, exactly as you were described to me, Gabriel Arquin,” Salyrene finally said. “A good heart, a keen mind, and a tongue that is always one step ahead of both.”

  • Butt-Monkey: He's starting to tone it down, as with Character Development he grows into someone a lot less likely to say something ridiculous or dumb, but it's still there.
  • Fantastic Racism: A large part of his backstory and personality are explained by his being a demonblood, distrusted as a default.
  • Open Mouth, Insert Foot: He doesn't have much of a filter, which lead to several of these situations.
  • Super Toughness: Due his hethelax ancentry. He's immune to any non-magical attack and survived an atmospheric reentry.
  • The Snark Knight:

     Zaruda Carmelita Xingyu Sameera Meredith Punaji 
A princess of the Punaji nation, a culture of pirates. Outspoken and prone to very colourful language; uses 'fucking' as punctuation. Often clashes with Trissiny due to their opposing world views.
  • Cool Sword: A mithril rapier. In this universe mithril is essentially made of anti-magic, so it's impervious to any kind of magical attack, penetrates magical invulnerability, and is just incredibly useful and valuable.
  • Deadpan Snarker: She is absolutely, gloriously full of snark, mostly directed at Gabe.
  • Immune to Drugs / Immune to Mind Control: Naphthene's curse to "always drink but never be drunk" also seems to apply to other mind-altering stuff such as glittershrooms and bespelled food.
  • Never Gets Drunk: One of her ancestors was cursed so that his descendants would "always drink but never be drunk".
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: Portrays herself as a slightly uncouth, rough-and-ready pirate, but as Trissiny later remarks she is incredibly intelligent and very good at reading people, and sets the grading curve for their first term at the university.
  • Sir Swears-a-Lot: Like most Punaji, she swears like a sailor.

A dryad. She is initially very naive and unaware of the finer workings of the world and has absolutely no sexual inhibitions... and few other inhibitions. She's also a "class eight threat" by Imperial protocol, for good reason.
  • Ambiguous Innocence: Juniper is initially very sheltered (and spoiled), with little understanding of how the world works. She's also superhumanly strong and tough, essentially immortal, and initially has an Elder Goddess at her back.
  • Anything That Moves: Fortunately, she's been taught not to eat them afterwards.
    • “Now that he knows I can give him really great sex or yank out his spine with one hand, he pretty much falls over himself to do whatever I ask.”
  • Character Development: Learns empathy, guilt, and responsibility over time.
  • Plant Person: She is a spirit of nature, indeed a demigoddess.
  • Ms. Fanservice:
  • Super Toughness: Dryads can be as strong and sturdy as a large tree when they want to.

     Teal Falconer 
A poorly-closeted lesbian who is possessed by Vadrieny. A bard in training.


An archdemon, one of the seven daughters of Elilial. She and her sisters were involved of a sabotaged Demonic Possession of which only she survived (barely).

A pixie who can use both fae magic (naturally) and arcane magic (not at all natural, and downright weird for a fairy).

A drow cleric of Themynra who acts as the voice of reason for literally everyone else in her year.
  • Lip Stick Lesbian: Well-dressed and well put together, and also together with Teal. (Granted, "orientation" in this world is basically a human concern.)
  • The Spock: Shaeine is diplomatic, logical and self-controlled almost to a fault as a result of Narisian culture, which treats the sharing of emotions as something of great intimacy.
  • The Stoic: As typical from Narisian drow.


Unseen University Teachers and Staff

     Arachne Tellwyrn 
Headmistress of Unseen University, a three thousand year old elvish mage who is as irascible as she is talented. That said, she knows her own limits:
“Legendary power does not connote omnipotence or infallibility,” Tellwyrn said.... “Last person I met who thought it did was a god. I will forever cherish the look on his face when I killed him.”

  • The Ace: The only currently-living person to have killed a god. She’s been designated a force of nature by the Emperor’s Spymaster, meaning that she can do practically anything she wants to with no legal repercussions.
    "... Do you just make a point of plunging to your doom every so often because it amuses you to watch doom panic when it sees you coming?”
  • Names to Run Away from Really Fast: The prologue introduces her as this; throughout the series, characters' reactions at hearing her name vary from nervous to downright terrified. Including freshly-summoned demons.
  • Retired Badass: Officially, anyway, though no longer being an adventurer hasn’t stopped Tellwyrn from kicking ass at every available opportunity.
  • Death Seeker: She went into the Deep Wild to die, she however didn't have it in her to just lie down and quit and gave a fair fight. It didn't work. She snaps out of it when Yornhaldt gives her the idea to found the university.
  • Sink-or-Swim Mentor: She has a tendency of throwing her students into difficult situations of all stripes and just leaving them there while she goes off to do her own thing. She however chooses situations that fit their abilities.

     Admestus Rafe 
A half-elf and professor of Botany and Alchemy.
  • Becoming the Mask: Exactly why he started acting completely insane is still up in the air, but at this point it's pretty much a fact that he at least started acting crazy, but exactly how sane he is now is up for debate.
  • Bunny-Ears Lawyer: As immature he might acts, he is an excellent alchemist, given that he brewed an anti-death potion (aka an impossibility)
  • Cloud Cuckoolander: Is under the impression that faculty rivalries are an integral part of university life, and so to get around the fact that no other teacher will start one with him, creates one with himself.
  • Obfuscating Insanity: Acts completely insane for practically no discernible reason, but Tellwyrn implies that it was originally to deal with the prejudice he faces as a half-elf.

     Alaric Yornhaldt 
A dwarf and professor of the arcane, old friend to Tellwyrn who helped found the University with her.

     Emilio Ezzaniel 
The martial arts professor.

Other Students

     Natchua d’zun Dalmiss 
A rebellious drow with a mohawk.

     Chase Masterson 

     Ravana Madouri 

    Iris Domingue 

Universal Church

     Archpope Justinian 

     Bishop Basra Syrinx 

     Bishop Branwen Snowe 

     Bishop Andro Varanus 

     Bishop Antonio Darling/Sweet 
See his entry in the Thieves' Guild section.

The Thieves' Guild

     Bishop Antonio Darling/Sweet 
The Bishop of the cult of Eserion, and former High Priest of the Thieves' Guild.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: While it's a given from early on that Sweet has the capacity to be incredibly ruthless and manipulative, he still seems like a genuinely good person. Fast forward to him brutally torturing a man in cold blood - a Black Wreath spy, and a member of a cult diametrically opposed to his own, but it's nonetheless an absolutely shocking scene.
  • Manipulative Bastard: Not to people he cares about, but still...

Current Boss of the Guild. He is very good at disguise and has strong organizational skills.

Head enforcer. Wears a different style of clothing everyday. Has a large role in teaching the apprentices.

     Principia Locke 
Elven con artist extraordinare. Later Legionnaire of Avei. Mother of Trissiny
  • “Principia Locke is selfish, lazy, deceitful, irreverent and gratuitously obstreperous, but there are much, much worse things a person can be. I can’t tell you she’s a good person to know, but she is not the sort of person you as a paladin are likely to be called on to chase down and bring to justice.”

     Flora and Fauna 

     Jeremiah Shook/Thumper 
An enforcer with anger issues and misogynist views.

Sisterhood of Avei

     High Commander Rouvad 

     Abbess Narnasia Darnassy 

Brethren of Vidius

     Lady Gwaefaer 

     Val Tarvadegh 

     Lorelin Reich 

Huntsmen of Shaath

     Grandmaster Veisroi 

     Brother Ingvar 


Black Wreath

     Embras Mogul 





Slogan: "Justice for all, or for none"

Goddess of War, strategy, Justice and protector of women.

God of Life, the Sun, Agriculture, and Peace.

He and his followers tend toward pacifism. While many are truly non-violent (and indeed passive), his cult is also known for his Sun Style martial art, which can quite effectively turn an opponents efforts against them.

God of Death, Duality and Masks.

His cult sponsors actors and theatre, as well as providing funeral and memorial services for the public. He has also adopted the Valkries, the second generation of Naia's children; they serve him as messengers and warriors against the undead.

Slogan: "All systems are corrupt"

God of subtlety, defiance, and thieves (including con-artists, gamblers, and similar folk). Esarion's cult has a heavy emphasis on self-reliance, he has sometimes been called "the god of Do It Your F***ing Self".

Slogan: "All love is good"

Goddess of Love. Her priests and priestesses are sometimes dismissed as "sacred prostitutes", but in fact provide a variety of counseling services; they are aided in this by their god-given power of empathy.

God of Hunters, Explorers, and Pioneers.

His cult in current times is known for misogynist practices, which often place them at odds with Avei's folk.

God of Bards.

Vesk is considered seriously annoying by mortals and fellow gods alike... yet the other gods do trust him, and will usually play along with his stories. He is one of the most "activist" gods, with possibly the most personal appearances in the story.

Goddess of Magic and Healing.

Sponsor of the four Collegia of Magic. While she withdrew from all contact for many decades after the Enchanter's Bane debacle, she has recently been persuaded to resume her place.

God of Time.
  • Time Police: The Scions of Vemnesthis, who deal with those who tamper with Time. Small localized effects may be tolerated, but anyone who tries to directly view the future, travel through time, or change the past will get a warning. If they ignore the warning, they get drafted into the Scions themselves....

Slogan: "It must flow"

Goddess of money, banking and commerce. "The greatest sin for Vernisites is hoarding."


Goddess of cunning and ruler of Hell, having defeated Scyllith. "Scyllith and Elilial have a complex relationship, based mostly on Elilial taking all of her stuff."

Goddess of Judgement, and patron of the surface-adjacent drow.

God of the Orcs. Died with his people by the Enchanter's Bane. Not that gods die that easily...
Goddess of the Sea

Naphthene is famously unresponsive, taking no priests and never responding to prayer. However, she is believed to punish lack of prayer, and definitely punishes abuse of her few shrines.

God of Violence and Conquest

The Ares to Avei's Athena, this god was slain by Arachne Tellwyrn.

  • Nemitoth, God of Knowledge
    • His temples are libraries.
  • Ouvus, God of the Sky
    • Generally unresponsive to mortal efforts.
  • Ryneas, God of Art
    • Sponsor of art museums.
  • Calomnar, God of Chaos
    • Associated with magical Chaos, he has no mortal cult.


Elder Gods

Elder [Mother Nature Goddess of Nature].

She is the creator of three generations of fairies, all incredibly powerful: The eldest are the mischievous kitsune, the second generation are the deadly valkries (since adopted by Vidius), and the youngest are the dryads. While she normally pays little attention (or care) to her children, if one of them is somehow killed, she will generally obliterate everyone in the vicinity.

Goddess of cruelty, former ruler of Hell (and creator of the demonic races). Since exiled to the deepest Underworld where she is worshipped by the deeper realms of drow.

Elder Spider Goddess of the Drow. She was apparently slain in a battle with Scyllith. Arachne Tellwyrn is apparently associated with her in some fashion.

There are several deceased Elder Gods and Goddesses about whom little is known, aside from their destruction during the Pantheon's rise: Rauzon ("The Prime", god), Infriss (goddess), Druroth (god), Vel Hreyd (god), Heilo (god), Caraistha (goddess), Tarthriss (god), Szyrein (goddess), Meynherem (god)


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