A Recap page for Bruva Alfabusa's If the Emperor Had a Text-to-Speech Device. Here be spoilers.
Season 1
Episode 1: Adorable Centurion
In the hall of the Golden Throne, the Custodian frets about the text-to-speech device that is being implemented. The Mechanicus priest assures him that all is fine. The Custodian is briefly tempted to take off his armor like others did, but stops himself in time and goes to the Golden Throne to attempt to speak with the Emperor. After a few seconds of technical problems the Emperor does, indeed, speak, and starts to vent his frustration at the universe at large. The conversation between him and Custodian devolves to discussion about the Ultramarines before stupendified Custiodian tries to cheer the Emperor up with the Grey Knights. The Emperor, however, is less than thrilled by the Dreadknight, calling it a giant babycarrier. When the Centurion comes in to dispose of the metal monstrosity, however, the Emperor declares it cute and orders it to come to his lap. The Custodian regains his composure and declares what just happened the start of something absolutely glorious.
Episode 2: Religiosity
The Emperor wonders how the Imperium has survived for ten thousand years without him and learns that humanity preserved and applied his teachings. He expresses relief that it didn't turn into some religious, megalomaniac, war-torn nightmare. After a moment, he learns that that the Imperium did, in fact, turn into religious, megalomaniac, war-torn nightmare. The Custodian tries to reassure him with tales of Inquisition and Ecclesiarchy, which has the opposite effect, prompting Emperor's rage. After calming down, he tells the Custodian that he banished all religions for a reason. He summons his Centurion and asks the Custodian about the Age of Apostasy.
Episode 3: The Age of Apostasy
The Emperor expresses his disbelief with "nutty cultists" creating state religion. As the Custodian tries to apologize, the Emperor further questions the sanity of people who let one man become the head of both Administratum and Ecclesiarchy, and notes that "Goge Vandire" is one of the Names to Run Away from Really Fast and yet no one noticed this. The Custodian apologizes yet again and flashbacks to the Age of Apostasy when he convinces an Emperor's Bride commander (who seems to be infatuated with Emperor's corpse) to take action, which doesn't take all that much convincing. She proceeds to give Vandire an off-screen "The Reason You Suck" Speech and behead him. Back in the present, the Emperor remembers the creepily-staring girl and learns about Adeptus Sororitas. He quickly asks whether they are female Space Marines and is visibly relieved upon finding out that no, they aren't.Episode 4: The Inquisition
The Custodian tries hard not to tell the Emperor about the Holy Inqusition and ultimately fails. One explanation later, the scene briefly cuts to a bunch of Imperial Guard soldiers in the middle of a Warp storm before returning to the Emperor, who is shocked and outraged at what the Empire has become. The Custodian tries to show the Emperor the brighter sides of the Inquisition and how their action have saved the Empire, which ultimately fails because the Emperor doesn't know what Tyranid are and is still disgusted by Grey Knights' Dreadnight. The Custodian tries to talk about other stories, but ultimately ends up Digging Himself Deeper and the Emperor orders the Inquisition to be disbanded. As the Custodian leaves to send the message, the Emperor wonders what made the Inquisition come into being and realizes with terror that it was Malcador.Meanwhile, Lord Inquisitor Karamazov get the Emperor's message and goes absolutely berserk.
Episode 5: Malcador the Hero
The Custodian returns to the Golden Throne to report the message being sent, but finds the Emperor lost in thought. The Master of Mankind remembers that he ordered his most trusted servant, Malcador, to find twelve people who would start the organization which would watch eternally over the Imperium. Upon reporting success, Malcador performs his final sacrifice by taking the place at the Golden Throne to let the Emperor battle Horus and the Emperor calls him Malcador the Hero.Cut to the present as worried Custodian is poking the Emperor to get some reaction and is Psyker-Powers-Punched Across the Room for his trouble. The Emperor, annoyed for interrupting his Flashback, disses the Inquisition and glorifies Malcador some more before concluding that everything is Magnus' fault. Upon learning that the sorcerer is still alive, he sends Ultramarines after him and wonders how the disbanding is going.
Meanwhile, Karamazov is convinced that there is a heretic, masquerading as the God-Emperor, on Terra. After a discussion with his fellow Inquisitors, they decide to go to humanity's homeworld and obtain Lords of Terra's permission to cleanse it.
Episode 6: High Lords of Terra
On Ultramarines homeworld of Macragge, the Astartes are delighted to have a mission from Holy Terra and an opportunity to prove themselves yet again. On Terra, though, the Emperor is not so delighted, as Ultramarines' chanting is giving him headaches. The Custodian raises his objection to the whole idea and the Emperor's counter-argument leads to comically touching moment between the two of them as the Custodian refers to the Emperor as "Dad".Cut to High Lords of Terra as the Master of Administratum opens the discussion on the "most pressing matter"... whether or not to ban laxatives for everyone but them. The Commander of the Imperial Guard manages to dissuade the other three from the idea just in time for the Only Sane Man, the Ecclesiarch, to show up. He demands to know why the rest would send the disbanding order, but they don't know a thing about it. Short discussion leads them nowhere and the Ecclesiarch prepares to leave when it's announced that the Inquisitorial Representative has arrived. No one's happy and upon learning that the newcomer is Karamazov, the Ecclesiarch is furious.
Back by the Golden Throne, the Custodian is curious about the message Magnus was trying to send to the Emperor, which was the reason why the Primarch was banished. He (correctly) guesses that the sorcerer was trying to warn his father about Horus' fall and the chain of thought leads him to deciding that everything is Erebus' and Kor Phaeron's fault. The Emperor calls it ridiculous and repeats that everything is Magnus' fault. He then asks why the Custodian is the only member of his order that the Emperor ever sees.
Episode 7: Fabulous Custodes
The Emperor demands to know what happened to the other Custodes. Upon learning that they're guarding the palace, he orders them to "go out and be useful", as they're probably the best-armed force in the galaxy. The Custodian tells him that after the Heresy, they have "redefined" the use of their armor and sinks down with awkward silence. The Emperor, now suspicious, orders him to fetch some of the other Custodes. The Custodian does so and, well... He's presented with three Macho Camp men with bulging, oiled muscles and hardly any armor on. They mock the Custodian, reminding themselves that they used to call him "Little Kitten". As the Emperor is attempting to cope with surrealism of what he's seeing, the Custodes suggest that they could become his new caretakers, an offer The Emperor is quick to dismiss. He asks what they actually do and when he learns that the answer is "pretty much nothing", he gives them a short What the Hell, Hero? and orders them to get a hundred other Custodians and go do something for the Imperium.After the trio leaves, the "Kitten"note is ordered by the Emperor to stay by his side to tell him "stupid shit [he] can complain about" and the Emperor asks him about the Tyranids.
Episode 8: Tyranids
We see Cypher, who declares ominously that "it begins" and that "it's time to do something inexplicable".Cut to Terra and some Scenery Porn of the Imperial Palace. To the bafflement of the High Lords of Terra, Karamazov and the Ecclesiarch (whose name is Decius) are arguing about an old matter. Finally, Decius loses his patience and demands to know why the Lord Inquisitor has come to Terra. Karamazov tells him about disbandment message and his suspicions about a heretic hiding in the heart of the Imperium. The two reluctantly agree that it's their common problem and Decius asks again about Karamazov's purpose on Terra.
Cut to the Golden Throne. Kitten is just finishing telling the Emperor about the Tyranids. His lord asks a few more questions, steering the conversation towards the Ultramarines. Kitten tells the story about the battle between Ultamarines Chapter Master Marneus Calgar and a Tyranid Swarmlord and the story briefly flashes back to the fight. The Kitten finishes telling the story, but when he mentions that Emperor-class battleship sacrificed itself to stop the Hive Fleet, the Emperor goes absolutely berserk that instead of doing something reasonable, Calgar lost an irreplaceable ship to the Warp. For a moment, we can see a Dark Mechanicus excited by the aforementioned ship floating around the Warp. Back in the Golden Throne, the Emperor decides that the Ultramarines are to get Magnus back without their Deflector Shields and is rather enamored with the idea of Hive Mind. He then suggests using bug spray to kill Tyranids, but Kitten shoots down the idea. Then the conversation gets down to the subject of Necrons.
Episode 9: Necrons
Somewhere in the Orior Subsector, Cypher is talking to himself about his ominous plan. He takes a second to squeal and giggle about it and then hopes that no one saw him.On Earth, the situation is getting grim as Karamazov musters Inquisition's forces and gets ready to purge humanity's homeworld. In the Senate, Decius tries to make the Lord realize the idiocy of the effort as the Lords of Terra are malfunctioning and barely noticing that something's going on, but to no avail. Finally, he makes Karamazov promise that the man won't spill blood on Imperium's most holy planet and the Inquisitor agrees - then tells his subordinates to burn suspects instead.
By the Golden Throne, the Emperor is laughing hysterically, to the bafflement of Kitten, who can't understand what's so funny in the story of Blood Angels teaming up with the Necrons. He explains that before this event, they thought Necrons to be simply killer robot menace, but now it turns out there's more to them note . The Emperor is curious about C'Tan shards and resolves to ask Ultramarines to get him one later - only not the ones of the C'tan who once came to their weekly Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker card games party in the Webwaynote . Kitten is curious about the card parties, but after a second, the conversation returns to the Necrons. The Emperor is not impressed by them and Kitten tells him the story of the World Engine, which the Emperor loves instantly. The Emperor then asks about Trazyn the Infinite, approving of the Necron Lord's thieving ways. He decides he should steal all Trazyn's collection for the kicks and Kitten mentions that he knows a Space Marines Chapter who'd be great for the job.
Meanwhile, Terra is burning. A random woman is running away before being stopped by the Inquisition. She's saved from painful investigation by the semi-naked Custodians, who explain to the Inquisitors that the message was actually sent by the Emperor. The Inquisitors don't believe them and conclude that the Custodians must be heretics, then leave to tell Karamazov about this.
Episode 10: Bold and Foolish
Terra stands in ruins. A random Inquisitor and imperial citizen stage a short parody of Les Misérables (2012) before the former is ran over by familiar Inquisitors running to Karamazov. Meanwhile, the man himself is being annoyed by the antics of both the High Lords and his right-hand man, Dominique. He's saved from his misery by the arrival of Inquisitors, who tell him about their meeting with the Custodes. Karamazov, shocked, decides to storm the Imperial Palace and take down all the "heretical" Custodes, but Decius stops him before he can move out.
In the hall of the Golden Throne, Kitten is telling the Emperor about the Blood Ravensnote , but forgets their name, to Emperor's annoyance. The Emperor, however, notes that they are a Chapter and asks about their Legion, prompting Kitten's explanation on the Second Founding - bringing more of Emperor's ire. The Custodian mentions the division of Legions into Chapters and the sheer number of Chapters in the galaxy. The Emperor reacts with Big "WHAT?!" and rants about the counter-productiveness and dangers of that move. We briefly flash to a bunch of weird Chapters' Marines playing poker before returning to the Golden Throne, where the Emperor reminds Kitten to cut Guilliman's life support, the idea the Custodian is not very happy about. He remembers the Blood Ravens' name, but just as he's about to say it, the other Custodes burst in. They talk about the Inquisition and Terra burning and Kitten leaves for the Imperial Senate to stop the Inquisitorial Representative from razing the planet.
In the Senate, Decius vents his rage on Karamazov, who's full of Holier Than Thou attitude. The Ecclesiarch forbids the Inquisitor from entering the Palace and summons the guards. However, Lord Inquisitor's throne proves to be somewhat better-armed than Decius expected and easily blows his enemies away. The episode ends as Karamazov prepares to enter the Imperial Palace, convinced that he's the only one who can save the Emperor.
Season 2
Episode 11: Intervention
In the Imperial Senate, Decius tries to stop Karamazov from killing everyone present. The Inquisitor, however, is still confident that he's saving the Imperium and orders the Ecclesiarch to lead him to the Emperor. When Decius disagrees, Karamazov prepares to kill him and the High Lords. He's stopped by the arrival of Kitten. Karamazov is surprised by Custodes' presence and after a short moment of confusion, Kitten reveals himself to be no one else but the Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes - a fact which, apparently, even his fellow Custodes were unaware of. Karamazov demands to know what's Captain-General's purpose in the Senate, but then decides to enter the palace anyway. He is, however, surrounded by Kitten's Custodes and Captain-General explains that the Emperor's text-to-speech device enabled him to speak again, to the awe of all present. Decius asks why nobody else was informed about this before and Kitten explains that only now the Emperor ordered it. Just as he prepares to arrest the Inquisitor, Karamazov protests and decides that it was a lie and the Custodes are all heretics. Kitten loses his patience and prepares to have the Inquisitor blown to smithereens...
...the Emperor, however, contacts him telepathically and tells him to let the man go. Slightly surprised, Kitten obliges. Everyone is confused and before leaving, Karamazov promises Captain-General that We Will Meet Again. Decius is furious with this development, but calms down once he learns that it was Emperor's order and decides that it's time to prepare Terra for Karamazov's inevitable counterattack. The Emperor, however, contacts Kitten again and tells him to sweep the whole affair under the rug. Decius reluctantly agrees and him and Captain-General part in good spirits.
In the Inquisition's Supervillain Lair in the South Pole, Karamazov is levelling curses on the Custodes, still convinced that there's a Chaos incursion going on. He keeps up the Holier Than Thou attitude and orders Dominique to summon the entire Inquisition to Terra. As the annoying right-hand man hastens to oblige, the Inquisitor muses whether or not he'll have to Exterminatus the planet.
On the Golden Throne, the Emperor is getting bored out of his mind and reminiscences about good old times. He wonders whether he shouldn't have revealed himself earlier, but in the end, decides that it doesn't matter and that everything is going Just as Planned.
Episode 12: Primarch Pessimism
The opening credits with their awesome Theme Tune make their debut, to immediate surprise of the Emperor. Him and Kitten are both in the Golden Throne's hall and the Captain-General is asking why the Emperor didn't use his telepathy more often. The Emperor, annoyed, explains that it's really straining on the mind now that his soul is splintered into thousand pieces. The two discuss the constant pain the Emperor feels on the Golden Throne and he mentions his itching, even if nonexistent, nose.Cut to the Warp, where Tzeentch congratulates Nurgle on giving the Emperor this never-ending itching and foresees that soon the Anathema will join them as the new Chaos God because he won't be able to stand it anymore.
Back in the Imperial Palace, Kitten notes that this is probably the reason why the Emperor is such a Sir Swears-a-Lot and suggests changing the subjects... to the Traitor Legions. Cue Unstoppable Rage.
Meanwhile, on Mars, three Adeptus Mechanicus are discussing a newly discovered Lost Technology in Orion Subsector.
The Emperor finally manages to calm down enough to stop blasting Kitten with Warp storms and angrily lists down his traitorous sons. Captain-General tries to cheer him up with his loyal sons, but the Emperor calls it not enough, confident that he was a good father to them. He proceeds to rant, one by one, about traitors' flaws note . Kitten notes that at least those pure, noble and flawless remained with him, but Emperor disagrees and names the flaws of all of themnote - with sole exception of Sanguinus, whom he defends when Kittens asks about him. The Captain-General asks about the two missing Primarchs and the Emperor declares sternly that they are not to be talked aboutnote . Kitten, then, asks why the traitors betrayed their father and Emperor says that it was either through Lorgar or because he didn't tell them why he returned to Terra. When Captain-General asks about the latter, the Emperor starts saying that he couldn't tell them that he wanted to get access to Eldar prostitutes before correcting himself and saying that he couldn't tell them that he wanted to get access to Eldar Webway. Kitten, internally confused for a moment, asks whether there was something good about the Primarchs and Emperor says that actually, yes, and starts telling him about it.
Episode 13: The Fifteenth Son
After the Title Sequence, we begin at some Slippy-Slidey Ice World as two Ultramarines are waiting for someone from Terra. A moment later the Fabulous Custodes arrive. The Marines pass them a huge golden box with Blanks strapped to it and leave. A moment later, Custodes take the box and get back to Terra.
By the Golden Throne, Kitten congratulates the Emperor for his touching tales about Primarch's virtues and the Emperor complains about the pain of sitting on the Golden Throne. A second later, the Custodes burst in with the box. They want the Emperor to take one of them as his new caretaker again, and when he yet again refuses, they exit the scene, leaving the box behind. The Emperor orders the Captain-General to open the box and back off. Kitten obliges.
After a second, absolutely furious Magnus jumps out, threatening to kill whoever put him into the box. The Emperor makes his presence known and Magnus recognizes him with shock. The Emperor mocks him and Magnus rants about his psyker powers. To his ire, his father is not in the least impressed and continues mocking him, to which Magnus replies with Calling the Old Man Out, finishing with stating that now he's the master of his own destiny. The Emperor notes that ever since his deal with Tzeentch, Magnus hasn't been the master of anything his and that the Jerkass God played him like a puppet. Magnus disagrees and flashes back to the past.
In the past, on Prospero, Magnus is running a research into the Warp, but considers just letting it go and stopping. However, Tzeentch shows up and claims that he has a valuable information. The Chaos God taunts and mocks Magnus until the Primarch listens to him, then tells him about Horus' incoming betrayal.
Back in the present, the Emperor mocks Magnus' attempts to have his vengeance, noting that Magnus can't hurt him any more than he already did and that it's Primarch's fault that his father is permanently stuck on the Golden Throne. Magnus protests and says that he was trying to save the Emperor and that "lord" Tzeentch simply... he can't finish and flashes back.
In the past, Magnus is trying to warn his father about Horus, but can't cross a wall that shields the Imperial Palace and the feeble Webway project. Tzeentch appears again and offers help, but Magnus resolves not to try, as he's sure there's a reason for wall's existence. Tzeentch mocks this approach, calling him "daddy's boy" and suggesting that Leman would do a better job, which is enough to goad Magnus into accepting power boost from the Chaos God. Triumphant, he breaks the wall and is on his way when hordes of daemons follow him and infest the Imperial Palace. Nevertheless, he tries to warn his father, only to ran away when he notices that the Emperor is absolutely furious with him.
In the present, Magnus realizes with shock that the Emperor's right and Tzeentch did, indeed, play him. The Emperor explains to him that if it wasn't for Primarch's actions, he would probably still be able to walk and act and says that his ban on using pyker powers was not bullying Magnus, but preparing him for something greater. Magnus retorts that the Emperor still should've told his sons about Chaos, but Emperor states that the risk was to great, especially seeing how Magnus is too curious for his own good. Magnus says that on his own planet, curiosity was a virtue, and accuses the Emperor of ordering the destruction of Prospero. However, the Emperor explains that he ordered Magnus arrested and that Horus changed his message so that Leman would burn the planet instead. He hammers down his point: it was Horus and Tzeentch who played Magnus, and now the Emperor wants to give the Primarch a second chance.
Episode 14: Greatest of Psykers
On Macragge, an Ultramarine reports the success of Primarch-capturing mission to his Chapter Master. Calgar vents his frustration on him and the Ultramarine leaves. The Chapter Master, clearly suffering from glory withdrawal and complaining that nothing is satisfying anymore to him, sulks for a moment in the company of captain Uriel Ventris. Just as he decides that the day isn't completely ruined yet, Cato Sicarius bursts in and proceeds to take all the glory for Magnus' capture for himself. Calgar is getting increasingly furious and when Sicarius says that the losses they have taken were acceptable, kicks the Marine out. Ventris notices that there seems to be a particular... theme to the Ultramarines Chapter.
The opening credits play and we're back in the Imperial Palace, where Magnus has a moment of doubt, only to decide that the Emperor is just another person trying to control him. To gain his trust, the Emperor proposes that he'll reclaim the Primarch's soul from Tzeentch. When Magnus calls it impossible, the Emperor proves him wrong by collecting shattered pieces of his psyche and soul and manifesting his original self in the Warp before Tzeentch. While he tries negotiations Tzeentch continuously trolls him. Finally getting a straight "no" from Tzeentch and his patience finally worn out, the Emperor proceeds to hits the Chaos God in the face with his sword repeatedly until Tzeentch gives up Magnus' soul, which the Emperor quickly claims and leaves just as quickly.
Back in the Palace, Magnus is surprised that this worked, even if Emperor's soul split a hundred more times in the process. The Emperor assures him that as long as he stays withing the palace, not only is Magnus free of Tzeentch's influence, but Tzeentch can't even take the power he bestowed upon Magnus away. After some more suspicions, Magnus decides to trust his father after all, although he still questions how his father would know that the Primarch won't betray him again. The Emperor reveals that he knows about all shit Tzeentch leveled on Magnus, because he read about it on Spessbook.
Cue an online chatroom in the Warp where the discussion between Chaos Gods about Emperor stealing Magnus' soul turns into exchange of insults.
Back in the Palace, Magnus asks whether the Emperor knows how bad the Empire went after his near-death and the Emperor admits that not really, but the (very self-satisfied) Kitten is extremely helpful with filling in the blanks. When Magnus expresses his disbelief, the Emperor says that it's probable that some parts of his mind and soul do know some things, but by now they're so spread out and shattered that most of it doesn't reach him. Magnus thens asks why, if the Emperor has the Custodian, the Primarch is here and Emperor promises to tell him in due time. Magnus protests and finally both of them admit that Like Father, Like Son is in effect. The conversation gets down to the subject of Magnus' ex-first captain, Azhek Ahriman, and the Primarch assures him that the man is no threat.
Cue to Ahriman himself, who has just managed to find the repository of all knowledge, the Black Library. Before he can enter, though, Eldar god Cegorach stops him and questions Ahriman for his library card. After some confusion, the captain realizes that Cegorach is toying with him and gets thrown out of the Black Library.
On Terra, Magnus assures the Emperor once again that Ahriman can't succeed and asks what his purpose in the Palace is. The Emperor reveals his plans: to bring back all of his sons, reshape the Imperium once again and lead humanity into the age of galactic dominance and prosperity. Magnus, impressed, decides to aid his father in this cause and the Emperor decides that it's a good moment to bond with his son. He gives Magnus a jetbike and the overjoyed Primarch leaves to test it.
Now alone with Kitten, the Emperor questions the Captain-General about the fate of Vulkan. Upon learning about the nine artifacts that should bring the Salamanders' Primarch back, he decides to order the Ultramarines to find them and plant them so that the Salamanders could find them easily despite the risk of bringing down their wrath if they found out about the ruse.
Outside, Magnus accidentally runs over a couple of kids playing around. Meanwhile, in the Warp, a message from Warmaster Abaddon himself comes to Ahriman.
Episode 15: Tau
A Mechanicus team lead by Magos Delphan Gruss lands on a desert world in search of an STC (an AI containing important technical knowledge). Gruss hopes to find the Omnicopaeia (an information repository for every psionic STC blueprint post-Dark Age of Technology) but instead, the team encounters what appear to be giant loudspeakers. Gruss is nonetheless pleased with this discovery of ancient technology, and decides to bring in more Adepts to study them further. Meanwhile, Cypher watches them from high above.After the opening credits play, Kitten reports that he sent the Ultramarines their new orders and proposes to talk about something. The Emperor suggests the Tau, and Captain-General is visibly unhappy about it. The Emperor threatens him into obeying, though, and Kitten starts calmly, but gets increasingly angry as he keeps on talking and ends up ranting furiously about the Tau. The Emperor, quite surprised by Custodians' OOC behavior, asks about humans joining the Tau and then questions Kitten about some past experiences that would make him hate those xenos. Kitten replies that he'd rather not say, and asks the Emperor for a xenocide warrant to finish the Tau off.
The Emperor nearly gives it when Magnus runs in and presents an alternative, friendlier and less spiteful view of the Tau, to Kitten's barely-concealed fury. Magnus suggests that the Emperor could use Tau and manipulate them - as a naive, but quickly-progressing race - into working for him. The Emperor has his doubts, but Magnus assures him it's possible. Kitten protests, claiming that Tau work only for their ideology, but the Emperor suggests he could become their Greater Good. Kitten continues to bring up more reason to hate Tau, but the Emperor shoots them all down. Finally, the Captain-General brings up his trump card - the Tau can't fight in melee. The Emperor, hearing this, launches into Unstoppable Rage and Kitten goes with the punch, goading the Emperor against the Tau. The Emperor decides that he can't associate himself with such dishonorable creatures and as Kitten offers that he can go on the crusade against the Tau by himself, Magnus leaves in disgust.
Kitten tells the Emperor a story about how the Dark Eldar helped the Tau against the Tyranids, only to turn the Tau diplomats into their Grotesques and raze the Tau planet to the ground. The Emperor suggests that the situation would turn out differently if the Tau had some melee weapons. As Kitten is triumphing, Magnus teleports in and tells the Emperor that he remembered about Commander Farsight, who fights with a giant sword and rejected the Etheral tyranny. The Emperor decides that he likes this and resolves to lay foundations for Imperium-Farsight Enclaves alliance, to Kitten's disgruntlement.
In the Inquisition's south pole base, Karamazov is still bitter over the "corruption" of Terra and its highest officials. Dominique tries to cheer him up and Karamazov notices that they're about to do what would probably be called a heresy, but is not, because it's Inquisition who'll do this. Dominique, cheerful, points out that they have a lot of Inquisitorial Ordos to back them up and proceeds to list them off. Karamazov rants about how they're going to charge down the Eternity Gate and find whoever sent the disbanding message and after he finishes, Dominique snarks that the man should just preach his enemies to death.
Episode 16: Universal History with Professor Emperor
The opening credits play and we start in the library of the Imperial Palace, where Magnus is performing some warpcraft experiment. Kitten comes in to make sure Magnus isn't trying to invite his daemon friends over for a party (and a trio of daemons hides from him), to Primarch's irritation. After a short conversation about trust, Magnus returns to his experiments. Finally, Captain-General asks what the Primarch is actually doing and Magnus explains that he's mostly researching, listening and observing the Warp. Kitten calls it heresy and Magnus loses both focus and patience, cursing Custodian's ignorance. The two start to argue and Magnus admits that Chaos' Obviously Evil appearance isn't helping their cause. He then asks whether there's more to Kitten's visit and Custodian admits that he came to ask Magnus whether he knows something about the Emperor's past and humanity's origin, as milleniums of serving him has made the Captain-General curious while everyone else has lost their minds. Magnus admits that he's of little help in that matter, and Kitten claims that no book in the Palace has any information whatsoever and he's not really sure if the Emperor would tell him. Magnus notes that father seems to like and trust Kitten and the two decide to go and ask.The Emperor is surprised that everything regarding the times before the Imperium was censored and his questions about the times of humanity "actually kicking ass" are met with Chirping Crickets. Faced with this, he orders Magnus to fetch something to write and starts telling the two the history of the universe, with intention of spreading it across the Imperium. Cue visuals.
The Emperor begins with the Big Bang and the creation of the universe, atoms, planets and intelligent life. He talks about the first sentient creatures, the Old Ones, or "the universe's shitty grandparents", who proceed to turn into energy beings, discovering the Realm of Souls. They then help other races to gain sentience and the Eldar appear - who proceed to multiply exponentially. The Necrontyr then arrive on the galactic scene and, due to their homeworld's awful conditions, become more and more envious of others and go emo. They decide to murder all life in the galaxy, but soon realize that it would take a long time without weapons of mass destruction. However, they discover an intelligent gas cloud orbiting their star and build it a metal body, creating the C’Tan and worshiping them. The C'Tan pay them back by transforming them into mindless Necrons to serve them and eating most of their souls, then they start massacring the Old Ones. The remaining Old Ones decide to fight back and they create the Krorks (later known as Orks). The Krorks and Necrons battle each other and the Eldar, terrified that they'd be next, mix their technology with that of the Old Ones and create Wraithbone, which proves surprisingly effective against Necrons and C'Tan.
The war starts to go badly for the C'Tan and some of them, tricked by Cegorach and another C'tan called the Deceiver, start to consume their own kind for their power to become stronger. This doesn't go all that well, as it turns out cannibalizing your only allies in the middle of a war is a bad idea, and so they decide to back off and hide in their tomb worlds to wait for the universe to repopulate and forget about them. Out of the story, Kitten notes that sometime during this period, the Necrons apparently regained their consciousness and overthrew the C'Tan. The Emperor agrees and returns to the story.
After the war, not only did the Krorks start attacking everything due to not having an off-switch, but the universe got so messed up by this war that all the dead and consumed souls turned the peaceful Realm of Souls into the Warp and the first daemons emerged, who proceeded to kill and consume the few surviving Old Ones; at the same time, the Eldar keep doing what they do best an keep reproducing like crazy. Magnus realizes how much this puts the current war against Chaos into perspective, while Kitten wonders what humans were doing in this time period. The Emperor continues his story by answering Kitten's question: mankind was busy being nose-picking cavemen and the Eldar repopulated the galaxy once more, but ruined their reproductive cycle in the process. On Earth, human psykers, called shamans, emerged to guide humanity, but they started getting eaten by the daemons. They decided, to defend themselves, that they would perform a ritual mass-suicide to combine their souls into one entity - the Emperor.
Episode 17: Emperor's Excellent Autobiography
After picking their jaws off the floor, the Kitten and Magnus are finally able to speak. Opening credits run past and Magnus asks the Emperor why he never mentioned this history before. The Emperor replies that nobody ever asked and what he did mention was censored by the Inquisition. He then allows Magnus to ask one question, to which he asks if the Emperor is technically still human. The Emperor replies yes and no: yes in that he is ultimately human in origin, and no as he considers himself the pinnacle of what humanity could be if they evolved as the Old Ones did, noting that the Shamans took a shortcut, and describes Space Marines, Custodes, Primarchs, and himself as various stages of accelerated human evolution.
The Emperor then begins talking about his life back fifty thousand years ago, starting with his birth to two barbarians (helpfully labeled as Momperor and Dadperor). During the early years of his life, he lives as a barbarian with no recollection of his past, but he manages to learn about his gestalt being and decides to become the shadow-ruler he was for the thirty-thousand or so years lead up to the Age of Strife. He mentions that the Age of Strife happened because untrained Psykers suddenly existed and subsequently got attacked by Daemons, leading to a series of Warp Storms cutting the intergalactic human empire apart. It is at this point that the Emperor decides enough is enough and begins making the Thunder Warriors and reuniting humanity. Magnus stops the story in its tracks, noting that so far, his father's tale was basically It's All About Me, so the Emperor mentions that while this was happening, the Eldar managed to bring birth to Slaanesh through their excessive hedonism and thus opened the Eye of Terror. As its existence calmed the warp storms ravaging the galaxy, this allowed the Emperor to make the Great Crusade. He also decided to make the Primarchs, but the Dark Gods scattered them throughout the galaxy. The whole Horus Heresy and the story thereafter are briefly mentioned.
Kitten and Magnus both point out that the Emperor skipped over the Dark Age of Technology, the Sensei, and whether there are any surviving Old Ones. The Emperor wants to know what Sensei are and is at first confused when Kitten mentions that the Sensei are actually descended from him. To his delight, the Emperor then realizes that some of the women he slept with actually survived having sex with him. He starts reminiscing what a messy, bloody and bone-shattering affair this usually was, much to Magnus and Kitten's disturbance. However, when he wants to include them in the great family reunion, his mood is soured by Kitten's next revelation that the Inquisition was hunting them down, resulting in another Warp Storm, this time tuned to lovely classical music.
We jump to the entrance to the Imperial Palace, where Karamazov finally manages to assemble his forces and they march straight into the heart of the Imperium. However, they find no resistance. Confused, Karamazov wonders where the defenses are when he finds Ecclesiarch Decius in his pajamas. Decius says that the Emperor ordered disbanding the security system (the news which Karamazov doesn't believe for a second) and threatens the Inquisitorial army, prompting Karamazov to laugh. Decius sends in his ministers and they start to throw stuff at the Inquisition, which in return opens fire. This fails, as the Ecclesiarchy has Rosarii, which frustrates Karamazov. Before he can actually act, he gets a surprise guest: Lord Inquisitor Torquemada Coteaz. Coteaz introduces his Barrel of Jokaero strategy, which tears through the Ecclesiarchy, much to Karamazov's disappointment and disgust. Coteaz berates Karamazov for being an overly zealous lunatic who relies relies on others to do his dirty work. He then leaves so that he can do his film.
Decius tries to rally the other High Lords to help protect the palace and the Golden Throne, but they point out that, having gotten their first order in forever (it being "let Karamazov come"), they should probably follow it. When Decius protests, they decide to knock him out with a boot. This leaves Karamazov free to break into the hall of the Golden Throne. He tries to give a speech before that, but when Dominique points out that it's the third one already, he reluctantly orders to break the door open. As the Inquisition floods the hall, Magnus steps to defend his father and Karamazov, with utter terror, proclaims him a daemon.
Episode 18: Banished Expectations
The intro segment portrays the big fight between the greatest Ork Warlords of all time: Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka and Blacktoof the Overfiend of Octarius. Ghaz manages to beat the crap out of Blacktoof, but the Overfiend manages to prove a very tough foe, and manages to survive everything that Ghaz throws at him. Impressed, Ghaz decides to make a deal and forces Blacktoof into servitude.
After the intro credits, Karamazov begins his tirade on killing Magnus and reforming the Imperium under his command. During this monologue, the Emperor manages to speak up and then explains to the Inquisitor that this was all a test to see if he believed in his convictions hard enough to ignore every order given to disband the Inquisition and stop attacking Terra and that Fyodor himself actually has a fragment of the Emperor's soul (that fragment having passed down from his mom), meaning they are one and the same. He also states that his plan is to reforge the entire Imperium, with the two of them at the helm. All the while, the Inquisitor is giggling like a schoolgirl and Magnus and Kitten are just left in utter disbelief at what is happening.
As a final test, the Emperor then orders Karamazov to kill Magnus. The entire Inquisitorial army charges, but Magnus opens a rift and sucks them all into another dimension. At this point, the Emperor reveals the entire Batman Gambit, much to the shock of both Magnus and Kitten. They're interrupted again as Decius breaks in to stop Fyodor to realize that everyone's gone. Convinced that the Ecclesiarch is actually a decent guy, the Emperor permits Decius to reform the Ecclesiarchy into a more proper organization to lean off worshipping the Emperor as a god, though still revelling in the opportunity to get a few jabs in at his Pope hat. He also orders the reintegration of the remaining Inquisitors, since he's convinced he has managed to weed out the worst elements of it.
Cut to the Warp, where Karamazov realizes that this might have all been a trap. His local Grey Knight commander is warning that their odds aren't good when they get interrupted by none other than Kaldor Draigo, Supreme Grand Master of the Grey Knights. It's also quite clear that he's "gone native'' in a manner of speech.
The Episode ends in some outpost where some guardsmen get discovered by Lucius the Eternal and his Noise Marines, who break in and murder everyone. While this is happening, Lucius gets a call from Fulgrim and Abaddon about a new Black Crusade that's about to begin. Lucius is ecstatic about the news.
Episode 19: Warp Grumbling
- References the Cooking with the Imperium
video.The episode starts with a "Cooking with the Imperium" spoof gone slightly wrong, Kitten ignoring the kitchen antics and preparing tea, then bringing the tea tray all over the Imperial Palace while humming and ignoring everyone, including the Fab Custodes. When he finally reaches the throne room, a stray warp bolt promptly incinerates the tea and the Emperor claims it was Magnus' fault, then asks where Kitten was for all this time.
Kitten then asks what they are debating about, to which the Emperor and Magnus answer that they had a discussion about the warp and Chaos itself, with Magnus insisting he has more expertise and that the Emperor's idea of "destroying the warp and the Chaos Gods" is impossible. Kitten, confused, then asks for some explanation which Magnus delivers: the warp is the Realm of Souls, as established earlier, where absolutely everything life thinks and does takes form, and it is so chaotic in nature because so many conflicting ideas are pressed into it. Also psychic powers doesn't come from witchcraft, but is simply an extension of the natural skill some people have at controlling the warp, as with any natural skills and talents.
The episode then goes on to explain what the Chaos Gods and their daemon minions are, namely they consist of the basic desires and driving forces of ALL life, as well as ALL thoughts and emotions including the good, the bad, and the ugly, with Tzeentch symbolising change, hope and mutation, Nurgle symbolising stagnation, consistency, and unchanging cycles of nature (and by extension not caring one bit, hence his and his followers' relentless joy), Khorne representing violence, honor, and survival of the fittest and Slaanesh finally standing for emotional extremes in all its shapes, from happiness to sadness to outright taking delight in cruelty. The Emperor then insists that He indeed can and indeed must destroy the Chaos Gods to prepare humanity for the future, to which Magnus objects that doing so would fundamentally change the psyche of all humans. He also offers critique towards the Emperor having told humans not to believe in any Gods or the sort (and just take his word for it), as well as the Emperor inadvertently creating a new Chaos God of Non-belief (essentially the Chaos God of Atheism, which really exists in Warhammer) because that is simply how the Realm of Souls works. Lastly, Magnus asks how the Emperor wants to achieve this, only to remember that the answer will probably be "I'll tell you later." which he ends up being right about.
The episode ends with the Emperor showing off a bit with his awesome psychic powers by shaping the Astronomican into a gigantic middle finger towards the whole galaxy, to which Magnus congratulates him by both of them creating hands made of psychic energy to perform a high-five.
Episode 20: You're green with it!
This episode begins on the home world of the Salamanders, Nocturne, or more specifically the Moon of Prometheus. The Ultramarines sneak in and place the remaining lost relics of the Salamanders, so that the prophecy of their Primarch Vulkan's return to the Salamanders can get fulfilled. Indeed, Vulkan promptly returns and holds a speech about friendship and working together, to the overjoyed cheers of "Vulkan lives!", despite the ghost of Ferrus Manus trying his damnedest to sour the mood.
Switch to Imperial Palace. Kitten informs the Emperor that the Ultramarines succeeded (again) and that Vulkan has finally returned. The two then discuss how the Ultramarines are somehow the best chapter, derail the conversation a bit towards the Sisters of Battle, but then return to the subject, comparing the Ultramarines with the Salamanders. Kitten then makes an off-hand comment that the Imperium fears the Salamanders due to their black skin, to which the Emperor responds by forcefully taking off Kitten's armour to check his own skin colour - which is also black, making the Emperor suitably enraged and confused about the apparent hypocrisy. Kitten then explains that the Salamanders are literally charcoal-like jet-black and also have glowing red eyes, a result of the radiation hitting their planet interacting with their geneseed. After the misunderstanding is cleared, they discuss what is good and bad about the Salamanders, how they help civilians, are great as smiths but also are incredibly obsessed with fire. The Emperor at one point compares them to a "Death Metal Band".
Eventually, the discussion shifts to the Space Wolves, which prompts sudden arrival of the Centurion, who objects. As the Emperor is delighted to see him the Imperial Fists Centurion takes off his helmet and reveals that he is in fact... Rogal Dorn, Primarch of the Imperial Fists and one of the sons of the Emperor.
Switch to fortress-monastery of the Dark Angels, when two soldiers walk in on trio of Inner Circle members discussing secrets and inform them that they have tracked "searched object" to a distant planet. A Watcher present blabbers out that it must be Cypher, a long-hunted-for Fallen Angel, and after several attacks of panic and further investigation, Chapter Master Azrael jumps to the conclusion that (A), Cypher is being aided by the Adeptus Mechanicus and (B), the Angels who overheard the secret of the Fallen must "repent", which he leaves to the task of Asmodai.
Season 3
Episode 21: Still Alive
- Has The Stinger
We start on Macragge, where Chapter Master Calgar and Captain Ventris have been chatting about nothing in particular for the last few months. Calgar finally remembers the question he asked several episodes prior - what is the "recent theme" of the Chapter? Ventris wanders around the subject - and Sicarius wanders onto the scene of events, to be kicked out a moment later - before finally spelling it out: he believes that there is some entity actively influencing the universe to turn Ultramarines into Mary Sues, and it's not the Emperor. Suspiciously, this unnerves Calgar immensely, and he immediately orders Ventris out. He doesn't have the time to freak out properly, though - a happy Ultramarine bounces in and announces they've succeeded in their latest mission.
Cue the new and improved title sequence, and we're back at the Imperial Palace, where Kitten is stunned at Rogal Dorn's revelation. The Emperor, for a change, is mightily pissed and while he's being passive-aggressive towards Dorn, Kitten demands an explanation. It turns out that Dorn - consulting his Pain Glove as if it was a Magic8Ball - decided to fake his death, leaving his hand to complete the impression, and hid in the Palace, taking a vow of silence for his sins. When Kitten asks why he broke his vow, Rogal is adamant that no-one speaks about the Space Wolves. Emperor gets even angrier at that, and Dorn explains that the Wolves are Magnus' Berserk Button of epic proportions. Kitten laughs it off, saying that no-one could possibly hate the Space Wolves... and of course Magnus is standing behind his back.
His Berserk Button being smashed to smithereens, Magnus hulks out into his Daemon Prince form, not caring for Emperor's tired protests that he not quake Terra. Kitten expects rescue, but the Emperor proclaims that he has other matters to take care of, and his soul disappears, leaving Dorn and Kitten to deal with the infuriated Daemon Prince.
Switch to the Warp, where Karamazov and his entourage are attempting to get some information out of clearly-crazy Kaldor Draigo. The Grand Master runs off, and after some momentary confusion the Inquisition decides to pursue him, to either question or slay him. However, they're quick to fall into a snowy realm, where a stranger approaches them. Karamazov challenges him and the two have a verbal standoff before the other reveals his name: Leman Russ, another of the Primarchs. Russ proceeds to mock Karamazov and glorify being raised by wolves, which makes Karamazovnote realize that he's been a horrible father.
In The Stinger, a brooding man (later revealed to be Corvus Corax) is writing in his diary and, having heard of the returning Primarchs, decides to finally get out of his cramped space where he's been hiding for the last thousands of years. Unfortunately, he realizes he is truly and decidedly stuck. Pan out, turns out he's in a mausoleum on Nocturne, and the Salamanders watching the door fail to hear his pleas for help.
Episode 22: Change
- Wham Episode
The Dark Angels fortress monastery, the Rock, is slowly approaching a planet, with Asmodai getting more and more impatient about their slow speed. Little do the Angels know that Cypher is already waiting for them... Opening credits, go!
Back at the Imperial Palace, Kitten is helpless as rampaging Magnus tries his best to destroy the Palace, the Emperor is unavailable and Rogal Dorn decides to just go somewhere. Desperate, Kitten calls for the Fab Custodes, who offer him a bargain - they help him defeat Magnus if he cedes his position as Emperor's caretaker, giving them the job. Kitten is initially outraged, but eventually agrees, as Magnus is getting worse. The Fab Custodes jump into the fray and manage to score a few hits, but are unable to beat Magnus. Steadily desperate, Kitten turns to see Dorn, who's... fortifying his position. Now seriously freaking out, Kitten snatches Magnus' spellbook and casts a spell that summons Kaldor Draigo to the throne room. Draigo defeats Magnus in an eyeblink and flies away to his planet.
As Magnus is lying unconscious on the ground, Fab Custodes demand that Kitten fulfill his end of the bargain. Heartbroken, he agrees and leaves. The Emperor returns to his senses, only to see that he has new caretakers, which besaddens him immensely. They claim that Kitten and them switched positions, because this one wasn't gratifying enough. Emperor is even sadder as Magnus wakes up and, oblivious to his rampage a few moments prior, hears about the job switch and calls it for the lie it is, going to fetch Kitten. The Emperor reminds him not to break things like the last time he tried to help. The irritated Magnus leaves the Throne Room, hissing at yet another insult hurled his way.
Having found Kitten, Magnus takes him to his room and demands answers. Kitten, however, realizing that Magnus remembers nothing of his rampage and not willing to inflict part two of it, mangles the account immensely, but the point of the bargain he struck gets across. Magnus initially cheers him up by noting that if the Emperor wants to, he can just send the Fab Custodians away, but then he gets an idea... He proceeds to crush Kitten's hopes by claiming that the Emperor is actually happy to see the Fab Custodes, remarking on his tremendous egotism and casual cruelty even to those he likes. He then suggests that perhaps, if the Emperor doesn't treat Kitten well enough, he should perhaps serve someone else...
Switch to the Terminus Est! Nurgle's champion Typhus is doing Lucius a favour and reading his terrible fic when his subordinate comes in and states that Abaddon has called upon him. Typhus is surprised that Abaddon's starting another crusade so early, but decides to participate and the scene ends with both Nurglites wondering what a 'clitoris' is, and deciding that whatever it is, it sounds DISGUSTING.
The Stinger takes place on Spacebook, where Khorne has just finishing cleaning his chainaxe after Slaanesh stole it and Tzeentch has sent tons of Pink Horrors to ransack Nurgle's garden, to Nurgle's dismay and Isha's annoyance. The Tyranid Hive Mind pops in for a moment before being booted out for overloading the servers, and when Slaanesh is booted right after it for being annoying, Khaine - who was (mostly) rescued by Khorne from Slaanesh - pops in and reminds Khorne that he's taking the two of them to the gym for leg day.
Episode 23: A Hairy Conundrum
- Wham Episode (kind of)
Magnus and Kitten are still holding their discussion, with Kitten adamantly refusing to join Chaos. Magnus then simply says that Kitten should serve him, rather than Chaos per se and needs Kitten's full name to seal a contract. Said name turns out to be a long string of insults, since the Adeptus Custodes "earn" their names. They eventually just go with "Kitten" instead. The two then start a plot to overtake the Imperium, which involves killing the old guys currently ruling, which due to a mistake involving shape shifting aliens who impersonated the rulers, fails.
Switch to the Throne Room. The Emperor is starting to miss his companion and talks to Karstodes, the current caretaker, and Rogal Dorn. They exchange some jabs, and Rogal delivers one that leaves the Emperor basically speechless. Karstodes is then eventually asked to tell the Emperor about the Space Wolves, since he proclaimed he can do anything that Kitten could do, but better... and fails miserably. Karstodes then rushes out of the throne room. Kitten and Magnus quickly create another plan, involving the most powerful artifact of Vulkan of the Salamanders. Karstodes then runs up to and holds Kitten point-blank, trying to get all knowledge about Space Wolves out of him, or else! To which Magnus, hearing "Space Wolves", lets out his daemonic rage again.
Back in the Throne Room, Karstodes then utters all the knowledge Kitten told him. After a long string of description and history about the Space Wolves, the Emperor gives several new orders, one of which is "Rename the Space Wolves to Space Corgis." Even Rogal Dorn agrees, calling corgis funny, because "they have small legs". Karstodes then is told to tell the Ultramarines their next, probably most difficult as of yet, order: "Enter the Webway and outdance the best Harlequin dancers in the galaxy!" Cue Cliffhanger with Lampshade Hanging.
Switch of location to the planet the Dark Angels are headed to. Cypher observes their arrival and declares he finally can leave the planet and to never have to eat sand again. Meanwhile the Dark Angel leaders are having a quarrel, then meet members of the Adeptus Mechanicus. After some rude exchanges, the Mechanicus folks eventually tell their plan about the planet. The Dark Angels don't trust them, however, and head out for Mars, since the Fabricator General is there for once. Cypher then joins them, since they don't seem to even recognise him as one of their Arch Enemies, the Fallen. He also asks for some chips, which are in the minibar inside the Pole Dance quarters.
Episode 24: Of Khans and Cages
-The working title for this installment was "The Dornpisode"
-Has a stinger
Right after the opening credits, we're in a ruined daemon village in the Warp, where Russ and Karamazov are chatting over a piece of daemon meat that Russ is preparing for transport, while Draigo is piping in with non-sequiturs. As Karamazov expresses his appreciation for Russ' help, the Primarch explains that the Inquisitor and his entourage have been the first friendly sentient creatures he's encountered in the Warp. Leman decides that he's going to wreck another daemon village, and forbids Karamazov from coming. Karamazov tries to convince him that he's more than ready for the task, but Russ continues to be unimpressed, right up until the Inquisitor declares himself to be Emperor's shard, which plunges Russ right into Tranquil Fury, leading the Primarch to smash a fist into Karamazov's face...
...with enough force for the Emperor and Dorn to hear it in the Throne Room. The former is currently wondering why it takes so long for Magnus to find Kitten, but brushes off Dorn's explanation of the size of the Palace - yet he also brushes off Dorn's offer to search for them. Sending a Mechanicus priest to fetch Dorn a jetbike the Primarch asked for, the Emperor remembers his son Jaghatai (a jetbike aficionado) and asks Dorn about his fate, only to learn that he, too, mysteriously disappeared shortly after the Heresy. After dissing Dorn for not also disappearing, he learns that the master of the Fists is not so easy to out-insult as Magnus and Kitten were.
Realizing that he won't get anywhere, the Emperor tries to learn more about the present-day White Scars - Jaghatai's legion - only to be forced to summon one of the Fab Custodes, Custodisi, as Dorn knows nothing. They get along surprisingly well, admitting that Custodisi would make a good White Scar and mocking Khan's inability to stand still. However, he also knows nothing about the White Scars, and proposes to get Kitten, prompting the Emperor's ire at his caretakers' lack of any useful knowledge. When Custodisi starts to get hots for the Emperor again, the Master of Mankind prompty sends him out to fetch the two missing kids.
Dorn remembers that before his disappearance, Khan referred to outrunning "those knife-eared assholes", and is quick to point out that with there being several knife-eared species in the galaxy, it's not much of a clue. Shortly after, though, he proves a veritable well of information on Jaghatai's time between the Heresy and his disappearance, noting that the man was crusading to free his men of Dark Eldar. When the Emperor proposes just wrecking their city, Comorragh, the two of them start to wonder if Jaghatai is there and alive, ultimately concluded that he is, and is probably doing fine.
After learning that the bike still wasn't found, the Emperor orders the Ultramarines to rescue Jaghatai while they're in the Webway, and gets angry at Custodisi's prolonged absence - only for Whammudes to pop in. The Custodian lusts for the Emperor quite openly, prompting the Master of Mankind to send him for Custodisi - anything to get the man out of the room. However, while sliding on the floor, Whammudes is sucked in by a Webway Portal.
With the Custodian gone, the Emperor queries Rogal about the fate of the Imperial Fists. Dorn tells him that after his father's apparent death, he'd gone on a Roaring Rampage of Revenge with his sons. He'd returned only to find that Guilliman has written the (in)famous Codex Astartes, and the six surviving Primarch split in half over it, with Dorn being against the proposal. Guilliman had proceeded to launch a barrage of Codices Astartes at Dorn's curiser, to Dorn's beyond-fury, which was only amped up when Perturabo popped in and challenged Dorn to a siege-battle. Dorn had initially backed off, but after seven days with a Pain Glove, he'd seen a vision of the Emperor, which finally led him to accept Guilliman's Codex. Dorn's sons, however, had not taken to the Codex well, and so Dorn - after another Pain Glove session - decided to answer Perturabo's challenge. It went about as well as it might be expected. Ultimately, the Fists had won only with aid of the Ultramarines and acceptance of the Codex had spread across the Fists legion - and so the split into chapters happened.
A short break is taken to present the raging emo-ness of the Black Templars chapter. The Emperor then asks what happened to Dorn's Fists, only to learn that one of Dorn's fists is enshrined as the object of worship. As Dorn laughs briefly at Emperor's disgust, the Emperor questions Rogal's sense of humour, only to learn that the one thing Dorn finds funny is "reality". As the Emperor agrees to listen to some of his son's jokes, he wonders where his supposed caretakers are.
Cue to Custodisi bumping into Whammudes as the latter pops out of the Portal, agitated. He begs Custodisi to get into the Portal with him, as there's one part that sends them elsewhere - and this elsewhere proves to be entrance to the Black Library. Convinced that this is the source of Kitten's wealth of knowledge, the two of them decide to look inside, but before they can enter, Cegorach - the Library's guardian - appears, to their horror.
Cut to the Warp, where Karamazov wakes up from his punch-induced sleep, only to find Dominique dead and Russ gone. The latter is quickly found at a sweet(?) little Nurglite village, where he's sneaking up on the locals, accompanied by none other than surprisingly lucid (well, by his standards, at least) Draigo. Before they can strike, though, Karamazov pops in, insulted that Russ left him. Unfortunately, he also kills any element of surprise the two warriors had, and so Russ sends Draigo to fight the now-alert Nurglites while he himself gets ready to tear Karamazov another one. Karamazov hastens to explain that he's a shard of Emperor's soul, but Russ has none of it, even when the latter launches into a spirited tirade. One thing catches Russ' attention, though - a mention of a red daemon cyclops in the Imperial Palace. Still not buying Karamazov's story, he nevertheless decides to overlook it, as his arch-rival is in the Imperial Palace, and that calls for a return to Terra. There is only one path available, though... the Gates of Khaine.
Roll credits.
Unbeknownst to anyone, Kitten and Magnus are already a fair distance from Terra, on a ship to Nocturne - which Magnus took instead of teleportation because of nostalgia. When Kitten protests that it's going to take time, Magnus advises him to enjoy the trip, to which Kitten gleefully agrees.
Episode 25: Fiery Family Reunion
Whammudes and Custodisi get mentally traumatized by Cegorach, who scares them using trite stand-up jokes and spectral laugh tracks (including Sheldon Cooper's "BAZINGA" line) until he is stopped by Ephrael Stern, who badmouths the Mad God's choice of food and compliments the Fabstodes for "walking the path of the swole", mistaking them for Harlequins before leaving. An angry Cegorach lets his still shaken audience enter the Black Library before sulking away to forget his verbal beatdown by messing with the Flesh Eaters.
Meanwhile, Rogal Dorn wonders how did Terra manage to lose all it's water, being unconvinced by the Emperor's explanations (first evaporation due to nuclear wars, countered by the fact that boiling water does not destroy it ; then claiming it was stolen, a fact very unlikely due to the limited cargo capacity of the Imperium and the sheer volume of water on Terra) until Big E says that psykers did it. Rogal keeps annoying the Emperor with his literal mindedness and peculiar brand of humor, until they argue about the fact that the Emperor still supposedly cries in his skeletal state when one of his loyal subjects dies in battle. The Emperor denies it, claiming the last time he cried was centuries ago when a Techpriest tossed a metal pipe in his knee as an offering to the Omnissiah. After another case of literal mindedness by Rogal and some Fourth degree dimensional Warp fuckery, the same Techpriest from the pipe incident above comes back, offering a bucket of liquid nitrogen to the Emperor's knee. Cue a downpour of tears.
The Ultramarines, crossing the Webway on camels courtesy of Crazy Hassan, make progress towards their mission to outdance the best Harlequins. Marneus Calgar, already incensed by how the Webway is boring and Cato Sicarius being himself, angrily orders his men to deny any screentime to their half-Eldar Astropath, Illiyan Nastasenote . They then bump into a Eldar Phantom Titan soon after, out for their blood as revenge for the Imperium destroying it's Craftworld... Before being one-punched by Calgar. They then receive their mission to find Jaghatai Khan, which Calgar decides to prioritize before outdancing the Harlequins.
Magnus and Kitten reach Nocturne, where they disagree about how to sneak past the Salamanders to get into their reliquary, Magnus preferring a classic sneaking approach as a reminder of the good old days of the Great Crusade, while Kitten wishes him to use his psyker powers to turn them invisible. Magnus tries to goad Kitten by tellin him using invisibility would be acting like the Tau... Which promptly makes Kitten go ballistic and provoke Vulkan's children into a fight, which fails due to them unable to understand him both as they're all half-deaf and Kitten gets a thick Cockney accent in his fury. Magnus mindwipes the Salamanders and drags Kitten away in the reliquary. Inside, Magnus and Kitten find Vulkan's most powerful artefact: the Engine of Woes, aka the green Smart car seen in the background of several episodes, but are spotted when trying to steal it... By Vulkan himself! After Magnus' rages about how this makes no sense that the Salamander Primarch would be sitting in a corner of the room for no reason, Vulkan explains the situation to him and Kitten: while he did die fighting the Beast after ramming it and himself into an Ork reactor, he later came back to life (with a bit of Ork personality) and sat for a while (implied to be nine millenia) in a dark corner of the reliquary until he decided to come out of hiding and surprise his men with his return, then came back to the same corner since he set up his Battlemace 42 million workshop there.
Ever the cheery fellow, Vulkan has already forgiven Magnus for betraying the Imperium and celebrates the return of his brother with a hug. Said hug causes massive pain to Magnus as Leman Russ broke his spine during the Horus Heresy, making the Thousand Sons' Primarch accidentaly loses control of his powers and hurl the Engine of Woes at Vulkan, killing him in the process. Magnus and Kitten start to panic and go into a full-blown Freak Out when someone bursts out of the Engine, turning out to be Corvus Corvax, who locked himself inside the Engine to atone for his "sins" (or was shoved inside by Vulkan for some reason). At first being disoriented by leaving "the box", Corvus notices Magnus while the Salamanders arrive, finding Magnus and Kitten near Vulkan's body. Magnus and Kitten teleport away back to the Imperial Palace while the Salamanders and Corvus lament the recent events... Then Vulkan, who came back to life due to being a Perpetual, gives an overjoyed hug to his brother Corvus. The Raven Guard Primarch convinces Vulkan to travel to Terra to stop Magnus assuming his Daemon Prince of a brother is up to no good (and to show his poetry to the Emperor), but Vulkan wants to visit the Imperium for a bit before, ending with a Call to Adventure acclaimed by his troops.
Meanwhile, the Fabstodes finally came back from the Black Library after finding records about the White Scars. Being surprised that so much information about what he claims to be one of the most boring Astartes legions exists and after a few jabs at the Fabstodes, Big E decides to enlist their help and Rogal's to read through the records, setting the stage for the first episode of the podcast. The episode ends on one last spectral "BAZINGA" from Cegorach, causing Whammudes to panic.
Episode 26 Part 1: Hateful Feud at Khaine's Gate
The Emeperor starts the episode musing about what it means to be human. He states that sentiments, those one hold for himself and the others, is the definite attribute of humanity, but one he found obsolete and had to cast aside when he became Emperor to fully concentrate on making humanity go forward as, in his own words, "compassion is anathema to progress". However, he must now reclaim his humanity to lead again as the Imperium is plagued by hatred and prejudice. Then Rogal barges in and annoys Emps, derailing his train of thought.
Meanwhile, in the Warp, the Inquisition, led by Karamazov, Kaldor Draigo and Leman Russ, march towards Khaine's Gate. Karamazov accidently blocks Russ with an Armor-Piercing Question (namely, what's the difference between Khorne and Khaine) before they reach the gate. Russ is surprised to find it unguarded, as there is usually a gigantic army of daemons trying to break through it in order to leave the Warp. Karamazov orders his psykers to try to open the gate and stays with them to help them with his (imaginary) "highly potent alpha plus psyker powers". Russ gives up trying to talk him through as he is not drunk enough for this.
Things turn bad when the Inquisition reports that the gigantic daemon army Russ mentioned earlier is not only coming back, but it's lead by Skarbrand, Kairos the Fateweaver, the Masque of Slaanesh and Epidemius. Despite being outgunned, Russ decides to fight while the psykers try to open the gate, the battle being the TTS adaptation of a real tabletop battle between Alfabrusa and Eliphus. Despite managing to hold off the assault for a while, Skarbrand and Kairos bickering about the former stealing the kills of the latter and Kaldor managing to kill the Masque, bad rolls and bad leadership (including Karamazov refusing to leave the psyker line) causes the Inquisition to lose, killing Adrielle Quist and Grand Master Elirush in the process.
As Skarbrand is about to kill Karamazov while his troops implore him to save them if he really is the Emperor, time suddenly stops. Three angelic figures, revealed to be the Star Child (the compassionnate and kind part of the soul of the Emperor), Saint Celestine and Dominique appear above the battlefield. Dominique turns out to have been under the Emperor's orders all along, shaping Karamazov's persona by acting as his annoying right-hand man, turning him into the perfect vessel for the Emperor's soul. He pushed Fyodor as far as possible into insanity to make him truly believe he was a fragment of the Emperor, which becomes true due to the nature of the Warp. As Celestine takes his soul to the afterlife, Dominique confesses he will miss Fyodor, but appreciates the Star Child's reassurance that he will still be by his side even after he is gone. He is then sent away by Celestine, after wishing a happy new year to Karamazov.
Celestine leaves, leaving the Star Child chucking about how he'll feel right at home in the body of Karamazov, both being throne-bound angry hypocrites. He then enters the body of Karamazov, causing an explosion of light felt through the whole galaxy, destroying the whole daemon army, breaking Khaine's Gate, killing Chaos Space Marines all over the galaxy and even causing the Tyranid Hive Mind (which is several times the size of the galaxy itself) to back down. Once the light dies down a bit, Russ sees the new human form of the Emperor (dubbed the "Star-Fyodperor"): Karamazov on his now gold-plated throne, with a head full of hair and dressed in the Emperor's robes, brandishing a scepter instead of a sword, Dominique's body being replaced by a gold-laced gravestone. Cue Fade to Black while Russ weakly asks the being in front of him if he really is his father.
Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh
After the human forces enter Khaine's gate, a barrier appears that prevents the daemon armies from following the Inquisition. (To the massive frustration of Skarbrand, who pounds futilely on the Gate).
Immediately they bump against the first line of defense of Comorragh, in the form of a portal that sucks them into a nearby sun, but Kaldor saves them by saying "NO SUN!" and eating it. Shortly after they are surrounded by Dark Eldar, who strangely do not attack immediately despite their leader getting beaten to death by the fists of Leman Russ. The Emperor watches these events through Fyodor's eyes and shares it with everyone in the throne room with his projector. He has the palace tour guide read the names of all of the weapons the Dark Eldar use from the Codex Dark Eldar book. After the Inquisition argues for a long time about what to do, (as they are all too aware of the fate that the Dark Eldar are likely to inflict on them) Fyodor decides to go along with the Dark Eldar and meet with Vect while everyone else is taken to the arena. Leman Russ and company are strangely fine with this, perhaps because Russ doesn't intend to go down without a fight, and Kaldor's recent escapade with eating a sun gives him confidence about what Kaldor could do against the Dark Eldar. The Emperor also reveals a part of his plan to Dorn and Custodisi : using Fyodor as his "emissary" at the upcoming birth of Ynnead.
Meanwhile, Lady Malys (one of Vect's former consorts) is heard laughing at her mirror and talking to herself in "clown speak"note before being interrupted by Archon Tahril, who informs her that Khaine's Gate has been breached. Surprised by both the fact that mon-keigh (instead of Vect or daemons) have done it and that Vect is having a parley with their leader, Malys orders Tahril to ready her Kabal to eventually strike down Vect to take over Comorragh for herself (after promising Tahril a trip to the flesh laboratories if he ever refers to Vect as "her ex" ever again). After he leaves, Malys laughs at the idea of finally getting back at Vect for throwing her to the side, but appears to be possessed or visited by Cegorach in the process.
Tahril turns out to have also a plan of his own in the works as he contacts his true master, the Deceiver. The C'tan, who has a chip on his shoulder like everybody in the galaxy, spends his time loudly ranting about how the galaxy is going to Hell in a handbasket and plunging towards the End Times, with how he's the only one who wants to stop the trainwreck. Despite his ramblings, the Deceiver gives one clear order to Tahril: not letting Kaldor Draigo back in the Materium.
Magnus and Kitten lure the Alfa Legion into a trap and steal their souls for his plans.
When they go to Kitten's office, Magnus explains he wants to use the Proteus Protocol to mind transfer The Emperor's mind to a functioning body, allowing the Emperor to once again walk among mankind (and be forced to give Magnus credit). Kitten is skeptical, and gets Magnus to admit that the technology is highly heretical, though his own research suggests that the Fabricator General himself has been making use of it (explaining why he keeps being able to be revived after constantly exploding). Magnus needs Kitten to go to Mars in order to blackmail the Fabricator General into giving them the technology, while Magnus needs to stay on Terra to explain to The Emperor what happened while they were away (or at least, lie and give the more sanitized version of events that happened between him, Vulkan and Corax).
Kitten decides he'll need a host to properly deal with the Mechanicus as well as the various techno-horrors that lurk in Mars' depths (and not bikes despite Magnus' pressure), he assembles assorted Custodes troops, including the politically-inclined but seriously passive-aggressive and experts on guilt-tripping Heralds of the Golden Throne, Imperial secret keepers (and Kitten's emotional and relationships advisors after getting booted by Shadowsun) such as the Shadowkeepers Shield Host, and mighty Dreadnought (and last Pillar Men Shout-Out character) Santodes. Magnus is disappointed they aren't mostly naked, to which Kitten responds that not every Custodes forsook their armour. With some unwanted help from Magnus and, to the joy of all Custodes, Kitten gets stripped of his standard armor and put in his Captain-General garb, with some of Magnus' feathers added so the tow can keep contact with eachother (in the form of a "Mini Magnus").
Magnus goes to explain what happened, only for The Emperor by way of Rogal Dorn to reveal he knew just about everything (not before teleporting some chicken wings in Magnus' hands just to fuck with him), irritating Magnus to no end. He even reveals that he knew about the Fabulous Custodes' schemes to take over as his caretakers, because he needed to have Kitten work with Magnus. Magnus is extremely pissed since he hates being used as The Emperor's puppet, and wonders if his schemes were his own or if they were implanted by The Emperor all along. He goes on to explain just in case something happened that The Emperor missed, but is more likely just letting Magnus walk into the various chicken-related puns he can make at Magnus' expense. He also makes fun of Magnus' plans as they all failed.
Part way through, the discussion turns to the War of the Beast, where Dorn informs the others about the events surrounding The War of the Beast (with the whole "Terran siege by the Beast" kept under rugs by the Pillarstodes), particularly how Vulkan sacrificed himself to stop The Beast, only for six other Beasts to eventually take its place. Of note during Dorn's explanation is that Vulkan stopped the first Beast by dragging it into a giant Ork Waaagh! generator, causing him to partially merge with the Ork gestalt consciousness. This side-tracked discussion gets further side-tracked by a discussion about family, which result in Custodisi, who has been engaging in some borderline sexual harassment towards Magnus, to utter the word "Wincest" when hitting on Magnus, which gets him deleted by The Emperor.
The episode ends when Magnus goes on to try and explain what he's planning, but doubles over in frustration when The Emperor reminds him his plans all ended in failure so far, meaning his current one is likely on track for failure as well. Emperor decides to allow Magnus to take a break, stating they will reconvene in 84 years, much to the confused exasperation of Magnus. Meanwhile, Apollo and Indrick argue about whether scones are cakes or sandwiches.
As Cypher secretly follows the custodies on Mars, Emperor and the others watch what is happening through Emperor's projector which somehow shows events through Cypher's eyes. Big E explains a bit about the mysterious man, mostly that he's mysterious, on the run and no one but The Emperor himself understands his motive. That, and he has a plasma pistol and a boltpistol, which is rad. When the Custodes reach the base, they are intercepted by the Skitarii (Mechanicus soldiers), but can talk their way through after Santodes "seduces" them with his Dreadnought body. Kitten then argues with the Fabricator-General in an epic song to hand over the Proteus Protocol and eventually, thanks to the backing of the Custodes, the Fabricator-General gives in. After the Custodes leave, Cypher gives Fabricator General a book of secrets of the Dark Angels. Outside, Kitten thanks the Custodes for helping him retrieve the protocol. When he expresses worries that he isn't good enough to be Captain General, the Martian Host remind him why they elected him in a heartwarming moment; namely, that in the current state of the Imperium where paranoia, corruption and intrigue runs rampant, the Custodes don't need a warmaster but a leader who cares for and loves them like sons. This causes Karstodes, who is watching this in the palace, to have a Heel Realization about his unruly and unjust attitude towards Kitten and stealing the position of Emperor's caretaker and renounce it and vows to change, with the Emperor's blessing. Meanwhile the Fabricator-General, sore about his defeat, orders Belisarius Cawl to kill the Custodes to keep them from taking the Proteus Protocol, offering him their remains as well as greenlighting the Primaris Marines project as an incentive.
At the end of the episode, the Dark Angels arrive to confront the Fabricator-General about why the Mechanicus is showing up in places they don't belong. When he threatens to take way the Mechanicus's support from them, the Dark Angels wonder if they should give up their paranoia over keeping the secret of the Fallen, but then the Dark Angels spot the book the Fabricator-General got from Cypher and falling into their paranoia once again, they attack and apparently kill him.
In Commoragh, Asdrubael Vect and the Star Child meet, while the usual audience in the Golden Throne's room (Emps, Dorn, Boy and the Tour Guide) watches, enjoying melta weapons-proof waffles cooked by Dorn. After exchanging pleasantries, Vect, accompanied by Urien Rakarth, reveals his plan: not only he knows that the being in front of him is no longer Fyodor Karamazov but a fragment of the Emperor's soul, but he planned on him ending up in his city. Vect wants to enslave and torture the Star Child, as the energy his soul will release during torture will be enough to sate Slaanesh's thirst and end the domination of She-Who-Thirsts over the Dark Eldar; going as far as to have Rakarth ready an oubliette full of blanks to teleport the Star Child in shall he try to escape. Rakarth also reveals the Dark Eldar did some spying in the Imperial Palace (actually the set-up for an "idiotsayswhat" joke), causing Dorn to flip his shit and start remodeling the Palace from the ground up. The Star Child keeps politely talking with Vect (alongside a few jabs towards the Emperor on Terra), who suddenly starts feeling ill after his guest honestly congratulates him for his rise in power from mere sacrifice fodder to Supreme Overlord of the Dark City.
In the Webway, the comedy competition goes poorly for Magnus, as Cegorach's slapstick is far more funny than Magnus' cringy "satire", earning Cegorach the first round of the match. After Cegorach spent the last minutes just screaming on stage, a comment from the audience mocking the burning of Prospero causes Magnus to go on a long tirade about how awful he feels about it, winning the round after Custodisi adds a "BIG MOOD" to the tirade. Magnus gets flabbergasted about how the Harlequins' memetic and surreal definition of fun makes no sense, but realizes that since they find Self-Deprecation funny, then by the Gods he'll give them what they want.
Back in Commoragh, Vect and Urien start panicking as their tortures are treated like pleasanteries by the Star Child, calling a memetic pain song strong enough to affect the Imperial Palace "an earworm" and turning a psychic pain attack into doves, all while praising his captors. They soon realize what's happening; the Incorruptible Pure Pureness of the Star Child is awakening the few bits of good left in the Drukhari's souls, causing them to literally melt and fall apart as "good" is anathema to the Dark Eldar. After even the threat of existential dread about the heat death of the universe elicits only surprise that his host "didn't plan that far ahead" from the Star-Fyodperor, Vect accepts his fate and starts honestly complimenting or simply being polite towards his henchmen. As Comorragh falls apart due to the Star Child killing them with kindness, a mustachioed figure on a bike silently watches the ordeal.
For the final round of their battle of wits, Cegorach unleashes the pinnacle of meme humor: telling the audience they get what they fucking deserve and shooting everybody, himself included, before everybody finally awakes in front of Ralof. Magnus counters by listing every mistake he ever did, causing him to slowly erode. Cegorach explains to Custodisi that self-deprecation, albeit a powerful tool for a comedian, damages the soul with overuse; as Magnus is "half-daemon", this causes him to kill himself bit by bit every time he does it. The Custodian begs the Laughing God to do something about it; Cegorach initially refuses as cancelling the battle would be bad business for a comedian, before finally accepting but not before making Custodisi sign a contract promising he'll come back and finish their battle. Magnus is then pulled off-stage before another joke kills him.
Vect, on death's doorstep, confesses that despite being barely more than a skeleton holding fleshy sludge at this point and feeling every single part of it, he's both feeling good and at peace; as the Drukhari are a stagnant civilization by nature, he only waited for somebody to end it and is happy that the Star Child is the one to finally set him free. The Star-Fyodperor assures him that, even in death, he will cherish the memories of their conversations and of his chance of making friends with him. Upon hearing this word, Vect asks his friend if the Star Child knew that his host planned from the beginning to have everyone sent to the Crucibael Arena instead of only Kaldor Draigo. This hits the one big weakness of the Star Child: his infinite love and compassion for his sons turns into an equally infinite worry once he learns Russ is in danger, immediatly "reseting" Commoragh and its denizens to their initial state. Now trapped and facing a perfectly healthy and spiteful Vect, the Star Child can only beg and watch as a naked Leman Russ and Draigo are put in the Arena against Lelith Hesperax.
Cegorach explains to Magnus that he needs a favor done for him: namely, help Eldrad accomplish the ritual needed to summon Ynnead in order to bring down Slaanesh for good, with the help of Custodisi and Ephrael Stern. The Thousand Sons' Primarch reluctantly agrees and gets tossed through a Webway portal, appearing right behind Eldrad. Magnus cracks a joke about how the Aeldari "need a hand" as Custodisi removes the mechanical arm he received after the events of TTS Special 6, causing a Death Jester escorting Eldrad to laugh his ass off.
- Note: This part was originally released on Patreon, and was meant to be merged together with the other parts for the Youtube release until GW's change in policy and subsequent hiatus.
Lady Malys and her entourage travel towards Commorragh's Crucibael Arena as Malys recaps the events of the previous episode to her suffering assistant, Tahril (and, unknowingly to her, the Deceiver). Finally, she explains her plan: they will break into the Arena and rescue the slaves there, which in turn should cause the Star Child to start emitting anti-negative energy again and thus melt Vect.
Out of her earshot, the Deceiver and Tahril discuss this. The Deceiver is none-too-happy about Kaldor Draigo's presence in particular, and explains that while he (and the Emperor) made Draigo the Mary Sue he is, he realized that Draigo was too powerful and had him tosed into the Warp. Now that there's a chance Draigo could return to the Materium, the Deceiver wants Tahril to arrange his death at the hands of Lady Malys, who is possessed by Cegorach. The Deceiver cannot do it himself due to only being a Shard of the original C'tan.
The Deceiver the catches up with his other Shards, telling one to ensure that the fights in the Arena go as planned. Another Shard, owned by Belisarius Cawl, pops up to let them know that Custodes are about to battle Cawl's forces. The rest of the Deceiver dismisses this as irrelevant, and the Martian Shard returns home just in time for Cawl to pick it up.
In the Throne Room, the Emperor asks Wammuudes to bring him his "psychic blanket", as he is predicting a high chance of something absolutely infuriating about to happen. As the Custodian departs, confused, the tour guide asks if the Emperor can feel grief. The Emperor somberly states that yes, and if things go wrong, his grief might soon destroy Terra.
- Note: This is the final episode of the main series of Text to Speech, with the series being put on hiatus thanks to GW's change in policy for fan works. Much like episode 26, this episode is a real tabletop battle played out and then presented to the viewers while the Emperor watches from Terra and offers commentary.
Shield Host Proteus lead by Kitten arrives at the Noctis Labyrinth - and are immediately ambushed by a Mechanicus force led by Belisarius Cawl comprising of several units of Kastelan Robots screened by Skitarii Rangers. Outnumbered and outgunned, the Custodes immediately charge under Kittens leadership and press into the ambush. They loose several Custodian squads as well as Diomedes (who rushed in and scored a hit on Cawl to the Emperors delight) to the Kastelans concentrated Phosphor Blasters, which enrages both an increasingly wounded Kitten and the distant Emperor.
The tide turns however as a deep strike by the Custodes Terminators, led by the Shadowkeepers slams into the Kastelans. Combined with Boreale leading a charge that kills and breaks the morale of the remaining Rangers (and being accused of kill stealing by a disgruntled Hammurabi), the tide of the battle seems to turn decisively in the favour of Shield Host Proteus, with the Emperor gloating on Terra that inevitably the timelines begin and end in his favour and that he will always be the victor...
But it is then that a merciless Cawl orders the Chant of the Machine Spirits Vengeance to be initiated. And all around Kitten, from the broken Kastelan robots lying in a heap at his feet, a flat mechanical voice makes a declaration.
"In the grim darkness of the 42nd Millennium, there can be no victor."
All the destroyed Kastelan robots piled around Kitten self destruct and the explosion consumes the already wounded Kitten, reducing him to zero wounds in an instant to the horror of the Custodians.
Light minutes away on Terra, the Man Emperor of Mankind can only stare as the Imperial Palace starts to shake in rage. A massive blue warp rift slices open from the Golden Throne all the way into orbit. Rogal Dorn enters the Throne Room and does not hesitate as he tosses his helmet on his head and leaps into his Fathers lap to try and calm him down. The final shot of the episode shows the Warp Rift seal itself ... and what seems to be the burned remains of the Primarch of the Imperial Fists in his lap as rain pours through the Throne Room as the Emperor cries, once again silent...
TTS Shorts
TTS Short 1: Kitten Gasping
TTS Short 2: The Emperor Experiments With His Text-To-Speech
TTS Short 3: Why Kitten Hates the Tau
Back in the Imperial Palace, the furious Captain-General screams that this is not canon.
TTS Short 4: Decius Breaks The News
But then, he launches into a longer speech: calling the Emperor a god is actually an insult to him, and true Heresy, as the various actual gods of the galaxy are either horrible, pathetic, idiotic, or any combination of the three. Ergo, the Emperor is superior to any sort of god, and so is Mankind, who share his lineage. The short ends with everyone hailing the Man-Emperor of Mankind.
TTS Short 5: Luscious Lucius Prankz
TTS Short 6: Requiem for Dominique
TTS Short 7: The Imperial Law
TTS Short 8: Crotalids
TTS Specials
TTS Special 1: Kitten and Emps play a Children's Card Game
Kitten starts the game placing a single monster face-down. After a long and complicated turn of the Emperor that involves some of the most broken cards in the game — at least one of which is anime-only and even then was a fake card used to cheat — and creates a powerful monster, Kitten is almost beaten. Kitten then draws his final card, which sends the Emperor's entire combo back into his hand, inverting the whole match, and wins with a pathetic-looking Mecha Cat monster. The Emperor tries to invoke Let Us Never Speak of This Again, to which Kitten objects and declares that now, he is the "King of Card Games".
The short ends with Kitten making a last joke about the game and dish washing, and gets punched in the face for his trouble.
TTS Special 2: Warp Hijinks
What happens next is a long string of drunk shenanigans, such as two Sisters of Battle engaging in a not-so-serious counter accusation of being heretics (and wondering what that even means) or a Dark Angel member of the Death Watch being sorry about the things he said to Leman Russ, since Russ is still his uncle after all. Leman Russ then declares that everyone is ready and so they go on a spree to play pranks on demons, such as crashing a Slaanesh night club, Russ pretend-flirting with a Daemonette and then quickly leaving which causes her to explode, ding-dong-ditching Skarbrand, a Greater Khorne Deamon, an Inquisitress asking Fate Weaver if he's a Genestealer (and promptly proceeding to rip him to pieces when one of his heads inevitably says "yes") and a few others.
The video ends with the last prank that is Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov slightly botching a "Is your refrigerator running?" prank call, followed by an explosion and Karamazov exclaiming that this is the (second) best day of his life.
TTS Special 3: The Slaaneshmas Prologue
Made by Yohan and Eliphus
Ahriman is confused by the term Slaaneshmas. Lucius explains that while Slaanesh feeds on all emotions, most of them are negative ones, and eating something too much makes it boring. To combat this, the Slaaneshi cultists created the Slaaneshmas: a period of few weeks when instead of spreading pain and mistery, the cultists instead promote friendship, joy and comradery. Ahriman doesn't admire the idea much and doubts Lucius understands what he's saying, noting that (camera pans out) he slaughtered everyone around them. However, this gives him an idea for some shenanigans of his own - he claims that his associate, a reclusive Mad Scientist Fabius Bile, owns a broadcasting relay that can project data all across the galaxy on multiple wavelengths. He proposes that they borrow it from him and have some fun with it, to which Lucius enthusiastically agrees.
TTS Special 3: The Slaaneshmas Special
Cutting to Hive World Purgatory, we see videos celebrating Sangunilia interrupted by Lucius beginning the Slanneshmas Special Show. It starts with some pranks - smashing his desk, kissing a tyranid, getting killed by a line of cultists (with the last of them turning into Lucius), and forcing the child Billy to repeat the same nightmare of running away from Lucius through a warp portal to an adult who turns into a tentacle monster only to be next to Lucius again with a growing pile of corpses. After 666 tired slapstick gags, Ahriman actually appears to start the show, with Lucius revealing that he doesn't know what to do now. He tells some terrible jokes, but they are interrupted by Kaldor Drago - he arrived before his slot in the show, to tell his mum he's on TV, before disappearing.
The first guest they actually have to interview (after smoking and snorting book dust) is Mirial Sabathiel, ex-Sister of Battle, now Slaanesh worshiper. She talks about her issues about not being respected, and Lucius asks her how to get her great hair. Being told he's bald, he reveals his wig, and goes off to do something unsavoury off screen. On hearing its Slanneshmas, Mirial gets on a santa hat and runs off to spread holiday cheer.
On a ship, Kitten and Magnus watch the show confused, the latter surprised at the appearance of Ahriman after so long. They know it's stupid, but they're entranced.
After Ahriman complaining about stars, they invite on Typhus, to advertise his new book in the series, The Pus of Man - not covered entirely in human faeces this time, or Xenos (that's next time), but his own! Lucius finds it hot. The three discuss how they're missing a champion of Khorne - specifically Kharn. Lucius says he rang him but got Angron. When asked by Ahriman if he mixed up the contact information with Sly Marbo again, Lucius happily notes he knows he didn't - because he's the next guest! Sly Marbo plows in through the ceiling, screaming AAAAH! and the camera cuts into static, breaking clear only to show the four warriors battling and Lucius screaming at Marbo to fight him.
After saying how great Marbo is, they invite in the last guest - Fabius Bile! He's on a solo Black Crusade - one man, just himself and his clones! To prove it, he brings out Ahriman 2.0 - horrifying monster, that Ahriman rejects. Lucius tries to cal 'Bob' Bile gets mad, and Ahriman 2.0 goes mad with his psychic powers. Chaos ensues.
In Terra, The Emperor, Rogal Dorn, Karstodes, Ecclesiarch Decius and Cyberdong the Techpriest are having a slumber party watching it. Karstodes dared Decius as a test of faith, and now they're all just watching it. The Emperor finds it funny, and the Techpriest theories that Lucius enjoys cyberdongs. However, Rogal Dorn does not like it - not just the breach of secrecy about the nature of Chaos, but because Lucius keeps breaking furniture - it makes him furious. But he sticks around for the snacks, as they are delicious.
Finally, Ahriman and Lucius get to the point. They propose a new joint Imperium/Chaos holiday. A one day truce a year, to unite humanity against Xenos. As Lucius sings a Slanneshmas song, loyalist and heretic unite to fight together against Orks, destroy a craftworld and kill a Tau commander (complete with joint head crush).
Looking confused, Kitten turns it off. Asking to play games, Magnus instead tells him to put on Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, as he relates to it on several levels.
The Emperor gets backs to crying over Sanguinila. Dorn says no one will go along with it, while Decius ends it by remarking Sanguinila was months ago.
TTS Special 4: Kitten & Tzeentch play a Children's Card Game
Deciding to fuck around with his former servant, Tzeench turns Magnus into his "old form," a more daemonic looking humanoid with wings, webbed feet, and more horns. He starts to drag Magnus off to the Immaterium, but Kitten interrupts and challenges Tzeench to a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker for Magnus' soul. It soon becomes an Ultragame (ie the loser will be sent to Ultramar). Also, Tzeench turns Kitten's armor silver just to dick with him. Magnus comments that only in a children's card game you can destroy whole strategies with one card, before remarking that he can't criticize since he also plays cheaply at Magic: The Gathering.
After witnessing that Tzeench cheats by reading his mind, Magnus helps his companion by blocking Tzeench's influence so Kitten can play without interference, but Kitten quickly finds out that Tzeench is as much of a spammer of broken cards and banned strategies as the Emperor, if not moreso. After a while, Kitten finds himself trapped in yet another of Tzeench's one-shot combos and Magnus loses hope.
The Captain-General does not give up, however, and manages to exploit the flaw in Tzeench's game (namely that he only has one monster in a 60-cards deck) and wins through the use of small fluffy animals and mere brute force. Tzeench insists this never happened. Kitten mocks Tzeench, calling him a nerd, until Tzeench retreats.
TTS Special 5: Just Aeldari Things
While his Warlocks in Craftworld Ulthwé panic about how they're "boned" following a vision, Eldrad Ulthran reassures them that they're not "super boned" before trolling them with a Ice-Cream Koan. He then notes that the time isn't for tomfoolery as Abaddon gathers his forces for a new Black Crusade and the Imperium is getting back on it's feet since the Emperor can communicate again. Musing about how he hopes his preparations won't be pointless, he then calls Asdrubael Vect in Commorragh to request some help using the advanced Eldar technology of Discord.
Vect, being in the middle of an usual Dark Eldar party complete with copious comsumption of drugged alcohol, slave torture, the gassing of half the guests and shitty music, jokes at Eldrad's attempts of reaching out to him, calling the prophecies and dreams of Eldrad (who, once again, states that the end of the Eldar is nigh) as mere nightmares and Crying Wolf, advising him to take prophecies with a grain of salt. The conversation bogs down as Eldrad gets more and more annoyed at Vect's dicking with him and Vect gets slowly pissed at Eldrad's holier-than-thou attitude, despite Eldrad's claims about the imminence of the Rhana Dandra (the final death of all Eldar) and the possible awakening of the Void Dragon note . Finally fed up at Asdrubael's mockery, Eldrad breaks out the big news : Ynnead, Eldar god of death himself, is coming, with all the implications involving She Who Thirsts with it; namely, that Ynnead would rise after the last Eldar craftworld dies and forever cast down Slaanesh. And Eldrad wants to speed up it's arrival, but needs the Dark Eldar help to keep the Imperium busy by asking Vect to pillage the system where another prophecy will unfold.
Eldrad reveals that he covertly enlisted the help of a Harlequin Masque to convince the dead Farseers in every Eldar Craftworld to go with him on a former moon of the Eldar Empire (something that amuses greatly Vect since it shows that the living Farseers still refused to follow Eldrad), where their combined powers and the psychic residue of the dead inhabitants should be enough to awake Ynnead. Deeming Ynnead to be yet another fairy tale, Vect laughs at the request before hanging up, stating that : a) he has nothing to gain and troops to lose in the process, b) Magnus sending 80% of the Inquisition into the Warp diminishes greatly the Imperium's capacity to trouble Eldrad. Ulthran, angered at Vect dismissing his plans, still orders the Harlequins to warn Cypher to play his part while another of his agents goes to Mars to "coax [Belisarius Cawl] into action".
However, Vect turns out to have a plan of his own that starts at the same time, upon learning that something broke through Khaine's gate, musing about how it's high time for "two Emperors" to meet...
TTS Special 6: Tabletop Adventures
Magnus starts by having the group guard an Imperial noble visiting a zoo, during which a Skaven assassin tries to kill said noble. The game quickly goes Off the Rails due to both crappy rolls, some players being much more invested in the game (Dorn, Whammudes, the High Lords bar Decius) than others (Emps, Decius, Karstodes) and Magnus being a railroading DM who gets frustrated when his souped-up noble NPC dies unceremoniously for a dragon's breath, coated in oil and choking on dung (and learning from the Grand Provost, to his horror, that he could have avoided all this by giving a Fate Point to his NPC).
Fleeing town after being accused of murdering the noble, the group flees into Ogre territory and gets captured, but not before Magnus humiliates both the Emperor and Whammudes thanks to a critical failure while spellcasting note . The group is brought before the Gorger-Lord, actually Custodisi, who wants to find a way to go back to the Imperium. The Celestial Shaman Queen tricks him and his ogre tribe into jumping into a Bottomless Pit implied to be the Great Maw, bypassing Magnus' railroading...
Until he goes Killer Gamemaster on them, siccing the still alive Gorger-Lord as an unbeatable boss on them in an effort to scare them into submission, promising them a great game if they listen to him. To his absolute surprise and despite managing to kill half the party, a "The Reason You Suck" Speech by Whammudes calling out Magnus' pettiness and railroading ways bolsters the party into fighting. A ginormous Critical Hit by Wamri bypassing the Gorger-Lord's insane stats, Rolf and Bruckham finding and using a cannon and a Sleep spell from the Shaman Queen (and Dorn reading the Gorger-Lord's stats as Magnus was mistakenly boasting about resisting the Sleep spell) together put Custodisi down, with the party tossing him into the Great Maw. Infuriated, Magnus tries to delete the survivors' characters by destroying the book that was running the game. However, the game characters fall into the Maw just as their world blows up, transporting them into the Imperial Palace.
TTS Special 7: Space Game Pain
The Emperor starts up a Stellaris game with several members of the Imperium along with Eldrad and the Deciver. When Emps gets pissed that his immersion is being ruined due to everyone unintentionally reenacting the Warhammer universe, he hacks the game and unleashes a Triple-Crisis to take everyone else with him. During which, the Deceiver is banned after his empire is destroyed. Afterwards, Kitten is revealed to have survived due to playing it safe and not trying stupid things. Everyone else mocks his boring play style, but it does nothing to ruin his victory.If the Emperor had a Podcast
Episode 0: White Scars (Pilot)
Episode 1: The Last Church
Episode 2: The Black Templars, Dorn's Angry Boys
Helbrecht, once summoned, reveals himself to be one hell of a nutcase with a squeaky voice. An attempt to mock Boy's lack of knowledge about the Imperium falls flat as, based of what he learned about the White Scars in Episode 0 and a short recap about the Ultramarines, Boy correctly deduces many things about the Black Templars (most notably that they are not Codex-compliant and suffer from bouts of Crippling Overspecialization by having too much chaplains). Karstodes still acts uppity at him for being an average citizen, but Emps, Dorn and Custodisi back Boy up by laughing at Karstodes for still not being able to read. The Emperor then slowly peels away the Black Templar's hatred for mutants by pointing out their blind hypocrisy in the matter (notably that, by their standards, a bald person like Helbrecht is a mutant) and the fact that mutants can still be loyal to the Imperium. Helbrecht takes it poorly and tries to get out of the accusation, but finally accepts and relents about the mutant issue. The podcast falls into massive infighting after Custodisi calls out the Emperor for being an asshole, but Helbrecht ends up calming everyone down.
Emps conclude the broadcast by ordering that the Black Templars shall soon receive reinforcments in the form of Marines from other chapters as well as "subhuman" races like Ratlings and Orgyns to teach them about tolerance and how things work outside their permanent Crusade. Helbrecht, still set in his old habits, initially complains loudly but does not wish to go against a decree from the Emperor, swears he will inform the Templars of the future changes and will do his best to ensure that things go as well as possible between the Black Templars and their "reinforcments".
The broadcast ends with the usual questions from viewers. One of the letters is from a Necron Overlord who thanks Helbrecht for messing with one of his rival Overlords, giving a massive panic attack to the High Marshal for commiting heresy by helping a xenos, albeit involuntarily. Dorn and the Emperor help Helbrecht as he calms down before sending him away. Helbrecht seems to have guessed that the mysterious centurion is Dorn, but chooses to not point it out, claiming that once the time is right, things will be explained.
Episode 3: Inquisitor (Draco), The First 40K Novel
The last straw serves as a Purple Prose description of a window and a lamp, with Emps being so pissed that he finally snaps and completely gives up on the framing device that this is supposedly a historical record, making several direct criticisms of it's failures at basic story structure and pacing in a booming voice before proclaiming that its bad. It ends with him psychically throwing out the recording of Ian Watson's meeting with Stanley Kubrick, and denounces that Inquisitor Draco ever met him. Afterwards, the Emperor cancels the QnA this time due to the exhausting nature of the book, and it ends with Rogal asking Magnus if he eats tacos on Tuesday or Friday, which Magnus responds that "Taco Tuesday's on Friday", much to Big E's fury.
Vox-Logs
Narrated by Whammudes
Narrated by Whammudes
Deeper in the Canals, they hear screams caused by the Undesired, Imperial pilgrims who somehow ended up lost in the sewer system and settled here, turning into feral tribals living off the necrotic waste of the Golden Throne, from which they are dependant. Whammudes laments that, per Kitten orders, the Undesired are not exterminated as they are not agressive and slightly help cleaning the Canals with their waste consumption. Whammudes taunt the Sisters about their "Vigil" (unofficial disbanding following the Horus Heresy) before noticing Undesired bodies, noting they they are useful for indicating potential dangers by leading corpses behind; in this case, the danger being extremely toxic fungi. The Custodian locates the source of the fungi deep inside a pipe, being forced to crawl into it. Since using flame-based weapons is impossible due to the massive buildup of flammable gases in the Canals, Whammudes destroys the mushrooms by blowing on them before inhaling all the spores.
As cleaning duty continues, Whammudes explain how he and the other Fabstodes are controversial among their kin for not voting for Kitten as Captain-General, choosing instead the more militant Trajann Valoris as their candidate. He complains about how, in his opinion, it was unfair that Kitten was the Emperor's Caretaker for thousands of years and was elected Captain-General on top, but confesses that since he and the Fabstodes stole Kitten's job, the colossal workload of both roles (as Kitten insists on treating the Custodes with the same level of care and love than the Emperor) is worthy of respect; Kitten might not be the best fighter among his peers, but a man who takes the time to bake ten thousand pizzas every morning for the Custodes is on a whole other level.
A sudden distorted voice deeper in the canals, followed by nauseating sounds, sets him on edge. As the creature causing theses sounds slithers away, Whammudes explain that this thing is a Bastard of the Sludge, a psychic sentient thing born from the warp-attuned waste emitted by the Emperor and what's left of the psykers souls fed to Him. Held at bay by the Sisters of Silence, the group stalks the Bastard hidden inside a duct, who drags Whammudes inside while begging him to take it to the Emperor. Whammudes manages to shake it off despite being wounded and stuck in the duct, but keeps pursuing it to prevent it from growing in power. As the Bastard has cornered and starts devouring him, Whammudes uses his breath to catapult himself and the Bastard out; but as the Sisters of Silence are about to kill the creature, a sewerquake drags them all away. Whammudes ends the voxcast upon realizing the Bastard survived the quake.
Narrated by Leman Russ and Vect's Kabalites
who kicks of Russ' captors out of his ship, and the third guess is Slaanesh itself, devouring another Dark Eldar. Fortunately for the lone survivor, the Space Wolves Primarch falls asleep before the Chaos God can fully enter the Materium.Narrated by Boy, Principal Vox-Caster Proprietus, Asshailer, and Karstodes
Narrated by Dorn
BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs
Episode 1: Catachan Capers
On Catachan, Corvus spends some time talking with the guardsmen (and being creeped out by them) before he and Vulkan decide to explore the merry jungle. Cut to Vulkan marveling on the planet's amazing features while Corvus is stuck in mud. The Primarchs and their Astartes discuss the political and economic situation of Catachan for a bit, before Vulkan discovers a toad and decides to befriend it. Soon, Colonel 'Iron Hand' Straken returns with news and his party is horrified, as the toad Vulkan befriended is extremely toxic (as in, not even fully sealed power armor can keep the poison out) and known to explode. After hearing this, Vulkan decides to pet it, before sequentially dying.
The group is about to leave, but another toad has arrived- this one somehow got onto Corvus' head. Unlike the tiny one Vulkan found, which only created a gas cloud of a meters or so, this one spreads a kilometer within a second of detonating. Corvus calmly tells everyone to evacuate, live and continue to fight, while he flies into the sky with the toad on his head. Once out of range, Corvus creates a death poem, shortly before the toad starts shrieking. It seems it will soon detonate...
... and then out of the jungle, Sly Marbo comes screaming, hits the toad off Corvus' head, and then pushes the Primarch down out of the blast radius just barely in time. On the ground, Sly Marbo bows to Corvus, and Corvus bows back, before Sly Marbo screams offscreen. The party arrives seconds later, Kadus and Kayvaan overjoyed to find their gene-father alive. The Catachan guards explain the legend of Sly Marbo, and Corvus wishes he joins them on the crusade, noting that his badassery reflects well on the Catachan guards- and by extension all of the Imperial Guard. Vulkan shows up, overjoyed to have new friends, and hugs Colonel Straken while the Salamanders cry "Vulkan Lives!"
Episode 2: Attilan Assault
Straken explained to the survivors that they crashed on Attila, home of the Attilan Rough Riders, an Imperial Guard unit known for their swift and savage cavalry tactics. After using the power of friendship on the local fauna, Vulkan provided everybody with mounts to reach the Rough Riders and enlist their aid in their Crusade. The group eventually encountered a Rough Rider patrol led by Mogul Kamir, an old friend of Straken, who led them to the planetary capital of Khanasan to meet the Attilan king and inform him of the impeding Exterminatus.
The king, at Corvus' request, lent his Astropath to contact the fleet about to perform the Exterminatus. Said Astropath, Starass, turned out to be a donkey which has no words in his tongue for "planetary annihilation". Once again, Vulkan's power of friendship allowed him to contact the fleet through Starass, only to find out that an exterminatus missile had already been launched. Vulkan, with the help of some Riders, jumped into a gunship and launched himself towards the missile, destroying it before it touches the ground.
On the ground, in gratitude for saving Attila, Kamir and the Rough Riders accepted the request to join Corvus' Crusade towards Terra as Vulkan, still alive, falls down. However, during the events, Clancy escaped, telling himself he'll have better luck next time.
Episode 3: Jopallian Japes
The Salamanders soon learn that a company called the Wide Smiles Funeral Association has become interested in them and their masks, and when showing off their works, learn that they have until tomorrow to produce fifty thousand masks, as issued by their contract. To their shock, they discovered that Clancy is among the planet governor's friends, having laid down an elaborate gambit to kill Vulkan after his Exterminatus on Attila failed. Corvus continually survives the execution attempts and befriends Pesh and Hox, the two Guardsmen guarding him between executions. Pesh and Hox reveal to the Raven Guard Primarch that everybody, save a tiny number of higher-ups, is constantly in debt form the day they're born on Jopall and that said debt rises for the pettiest reasons, including the ammo costs for failed executions. Corvus tries to convice them to rebel against their overlords and succeeds as the final execution attempt against him fails, the resulting financial sanctions proving enough for Pesh and Hox to kill the Commissar and trigger a planet-wide rebellion.
The Salamanders succeed in producing the masks, but learnt that they've only payed off 0.01% of their debt, and just then, Vulkan succumbed to the life-virus. The rebelling Guard regiment shells the Wide Smiles Funeral Association's boardroom and take over the planet, with Clancy using the confusion to slip away. As Corvus and the others take their leave, they learn that Clancy became Chief Shareholder because he gave the Governor Cashpants a sandwich, to the extreme surprise and frustration of Corvus. As the trio prepare to take Vulkan's corpse back with them, he suddenly comes back to life thanks to the Ork Gestalt and warps away. At Governor Cashpants's execution, Pesh and Hox muse about how the Inquisition would not be pleased with the fact that the Jopallian Indentured Squadrons had tried to execute a loyalist Primarch, even if they were Just Following Orders. They eventually decide to join the Terran Crusade ever-growing forces, but not before "firing" Moneybags.
Heroes of the 41st Millenium
Once alone in his apartments, Ciaphas' colossal impostor syndrome catches up to him as he laments how once again, his luck turned another attempt to run away and save his skin in the face of danger into what seems to be a calculated and courageous tactical move. Cursing himself at the thought on how everybody around him will suffer when his luck finally runs out, he vows to tell the truth to his men, consequences be damned. Jurgen comes into his office and informs him that he will be awarded the Star of Terra for killing the Ork Warboss with his cliff-blowing antics, causing the WAAAAAAAAAAAGH! to crumble down. Cain tells Jurgen to send him the Imperial Commander, only for him to reveal said Commander was in his office all along. Cain tries to explain himself, only to be brushed off by the Commander, revealing himself as Marneus Calgar. Calgar is all but receptive to Cain's self-loathing, going through the exact same case of feeling like frauds and pieces of shit due to their massive Plot Armor. Both men end up crying in eachother's arms, overjoyed to have found their "Mood-Kindred".
