Funny / Sabrina the Teenage Witch

  • Salem's basically a living moment of funny.
  • In I Think I Love You:
    Hilda: "There's just one problem. When Harvey found out you were a witch, he dumped you like yesterday's trash."
    Salem: "You dumped yesterdays trash?! That was today's lunch!"
  • From "Sabrina The Sandman" when Sabrina spies in Harvey's dream:
    Sabrina: "See, Harvey was worried about his French test. It has nothing to do with me"
    Salem: "And denial is a river in Egypt"
    • From the same episode - Zelda's dream? Making out with George Washington.
    • And Libby's dream is her walking through the high school hallway insulting everyone as normal. Sabrina realises "every day at school is a dream come true for Libby"
    Libby: There's a spill.
    Two boys lie down on the floor for Libby to walk over them
    Sabrina: Yep, that happened today.
  • The Gag Haircut episode where they hire Ru-Paul to give Sabrina a purple version of Marge Simpson's hairdo. And she gives Salem the same do at the end of the episode.
  • "My Nightmare The Car" the living car Sabrina bought from the Other Realm gets borrowed by Mr Kraft for a date with Hilda. After getting angry and driving all around town on a rampage it finally zaps itself into Sabrina's room.
    Sabrina: "Aunt Hilda. How was the movie?"
    Hilda: "Oh I laughed, I cried, you're in big trouble!"
    Sabrina: (noticing Mr Kraft unconscious) "What happened to Mr Kraft? Did you put a spell on him?"
    Hilda: "No, fortunately he passed out from terror."
  • "Boy Was My Face Red" when Sabrina casts a spell to get rid of Valerie's embarrassment and it boomerangs onto her instead, resulting in a certain bodily function happening during a presentation.
    Libby: "Most people just use visual aids."
  • "When Teens Collide" where Sabrina is on trial against the Witches' Council.
    Judge: "Have you anything to say for yourself?"
    Sabrina: "I think your wig looks silly"
    Crowd gasps in horror
    Zelda: "Sabrina, that's not what I meant when I said 'grovel'".
  • Anyone remember Sabrina's intense Cat Fight with the Molly Dolly?
    Sabrina: You're going down you little plastic nightmare!
    • From that same episode, Hilda and Zelda discover that Aunt Beulah's Halloween party is really a mental asylum, and all the guests are escaped lunatics who've disabled the sisters' powers. Their last hope for getting out of there then started driving a pretend car and making weird noises, prompting this response:
    Hilda: Funny, I never thought I'd die this way.
    Zelda: Not really "Funny ha-ha."
  • Sabrina gives Mrs Quick a medal that turns her into a competitive freak, resulting in her having this attitude to a yard sale for charity:
    Mrs Quick: "We shall drink out of a cup of our enemies' annihilation!" (cackles)
  • Zelda snaps from having too much work to do and before a big presentation all she can say is "it's pronounced hydroxine"
    Hilda: "Great, it's the biggest night of Zelda's career and she has the verbal skills of a potato"
    Salem: "It's pronounced 'po-tah-to'."
    • The same episode also has Zelda forcefully hold Salem down while she fixes a bonnet round his head, randomly dancing around the living room and talking in a Southern accent.
    • At the end when Hilda snaps as well she enters the kitchen playing an acordian.
    Hilda: (In German accent) "The songs of Bavaria. We will never forget them"
  • When Sabrina turns into a literal Bridezilla with her lower half becoming covered with dragon scales.
    Sabrina: "Look at me! I've become Tyrannosaurus Wreck!"
    Sabrina: I AM A PRINC*fire breath*ESS!
  • Really, the entire silent film portion of the appropriately-titled third season episode, Silent Movie. For starters, it's chock-full of shout-outs to Dudley Do-Right and various silent film tropes. But the very best bit?
    Salem: (via dialogue card) I should have had a bigger role in this picture!
  • Aunt Vesta hires Hilda's string trio to get her away for the weekend. Where does she hire them for? The infield of Daytona International Speedway during the 39th running of the Daytona 500. Even better - when Zelda tells Hilda they were tricked by Vesta, Hilda claims her trick backfired because her string trio got hired for the next Indy 500.
    • And before that, Vesta mentions that she gave Mr. Pool a "Twenty four hour bug." It cuts to a horrified Mr. Pool fighting off a gigantic bug trying to eat him in his bathroom. By the episode's end, Pool wakes up on the bathroom floor and figures he dreamed the whole thing, but freaks out when he sees a fly.
  • When Salem's daughter is getting married, Sabrina has to substitute as her father which includes having a wrestling match with the groom's father (played by Billy Gunn).
    Sabrina: (locked in a sleeper hold) "So glad I spent three hours doing my hair!"
    • Throughout the ceremony, Sabrina has to do all kinds of weird Other Realm marriage traditions, such as carrying a large tree down the aisle (which takes her an extremely long time) and then blowing up a large balloon. It's only after she's completely out of breath from trying to inflate it that her aunts inform her that she's free to use magic...and that she could have used magic for the tree-carrying, too.
  • After Amanda turn Salem into a panther
    "I wanted to eat you. I feel so cheap".
  • When Hilda and Zelda are waiting in line to find out how to save Harvey.
    Receptionist: Anyone with a friend or family member in quicksand come to the front of the line.
    Four people hurry forward.
    Hilda: Hey, we've been waiting for hours. We have a boy in a beanstalk about to be eaten by the wicked witch.
    Receptionist: I'll get to that.
    • Earlier, Hilda and Zelda had laughed off Sabrina's suggestion of getting a tree trimmer. When the two finally get to the head of the line, what does the guy in the window say they need? "Tree trimmer." Cue hysterical sobbing.
  • Hilda brings the string trio around the house to convince them she's normal. Unfortunately they're upstairs just as cops from the Other Realm appear out of the linen closet.
    Hilda: Overdue library books. Let's go back to the living room.
    Violinist: But where did those policemen come from?
    Hilda: (pushing them out of the room) There's a donut shop upstairs.
    • Before that we have this conversation
    Hilda: The trio already thinks I'm a little ditzy.
    Hilda: There was the time that Yo-Yo Ma was soloing and I said 'Kick out the jams, Yo-Yo!'
  • Valerie meets Amanda...
    Amanda: I'm from a galaxy halfway across the solar system. Where are you from?
    Valerie: I'm from a big castle in Never-Never Land.
    Amanda: You're delusional.
  • Sabrina is forced to try out for the cheerleading squad (to support Valerie) and Libby informs us at lunch the next day:
    Libby: As for Sabrina Spellman, who also tried out, we'll be showing a video of her audition in the gymnasium after—
    The entire cafeteria runs out of the room.
  • Sabrina is trying to get Valerie to join her quiz team.
    Valerie: But I'm useless under pressure. I get dizzy, I sweat profusely, I babble incoherently...much like I'm doing now.
  • Sabrina is attempting to decipher the clue of M + a picture of a camp fire. Salem is "helping."
    Sabrina: I've got it! M'fire!"
    Salem: Right! M'fire! That makes so much sense. Letís use it in a sentence. Run! Run! The house is on m'fire.
    Sabrina: Iíve got a better one. Youíre m'fired.
    Salem: You canít m'fire me! I m'quit!
  • Hilda and Zelda's revenge on Cousin Marigold in the first Halloween Episode.
    Zelda: Thank you so much for going to all this trouble.
    Hilda: Planning the party, preparing the food, divorcing Harold.
    Marigold: I...what?!
    Zelda: Oh we know all about it. The cat blabbed.
    Hilda: Oh don't worry, you'll love being alone. Filling your days with romance novels, soap operas and lean cuisine.
    Marigold: Oh God, I'm going to be just like you!
    Marigold bursts into tears
    • Earlier in the episode the two sisters reveal they both got each other presents despite agreeing not to. The CMOH morphs into a CMOF when they unwrap their presents to find they've both gotten each other the same tea towel.
    Zelda: We've been living together way too long.
  • When Sabrina and the girls are forced to deal with constant complaints from an uptight neighbor, Sabrina, wanting to avoid a confrontation, suggests they just try to get along with him. Morgan goes on to talk about when, during World War II, there was another guy whom every suggested they "just get along with," and he tried to take over Europe. That man? Rudolf Hitler. Sabrina is happy Morgan remembered a war was involved.
  • Roland nearly gets Sabrina to prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel, prompting a scolding from Zelda.
    "You know perfectly well that Sleeping Beauty spells have been illegal since...well...Sleeping Beauty!"
  • After a spell bleaches everything in the kitchen, Salem is now a white cat.
    Zelda: (pointing to herself, Hilda, and Sabrina) Blonde, blonde, blonde... (points to Salem) Dead.
  • Everyone together now: "HARMONY! HARMONY! GOSH, WE'RE FEELING SWEEELLLL!!!!!"
  • Movie star Babette Storm shoplifts and frames Sabrina for it. Morgan seems like she's going to comfort her about it when...
  • Zelda gets a genie's bottle to use as a private office.
    Zelda: You know it's so inspiring to have a place alone to do one's work. To me this will be like Hemingway's Key West study.
    Salem: But you're not a writer.
    Zelda: Like Monet's...
    Sabrina: You're not an artist.
    Zelda: I just want to be alone!
    Hilda: You're not Garbo either.
  • When Zelda learns that Brad will be with Sabrina and Harvey for a weekend in Ice Station Sabrina, Zelda tells Hilda they have never learnt what to do if they lost their powers, and that they should learn how to cope with that. Some time later...
    Hilda: (In the living room) Zelda, what are you doing?
    Zelda: I'm trying to arm a tent just like mortals do. Without magic.
    Hilda: Where did you get the tent?
    Zelda: (Realizing her mistake) I zapped it in...
    • Then they get trapped in the tent, and are unable to get out of it until Brad's foster father arrives.
  • In "Sabrina and the Pirates," Sabrina comes racing into the house, just when Hilda and Zelda are trying to civilize some pirates:
    Sabrina: Hi! I've gotta hurry—I've gotta wait in line to see a cool band. The club's on Grover, the Mine Shaft, Valerie'll be there, I'll be home by curfew, love you both!
    (She exits...then returns)
    • From the same episode, Zelda and Hilda have the pirates practice their manners. Hilda pretends to be a traveling salesman; one pirate opens the door; she greets him...and the pirate runs her through with his sword. Zelda's reaction sells it: "OK, no."
    • Hilda's response? "If I start leaking bile, someone is getting a time-out."
    • Sabrina at first tells Valerie to come over and then realises "No, pirates!" and tries to cover it up, claiming she said "by gum". Only Valerie would believe she heard "by gum" instead of "pirates".
  • When Sabrina and Salem are trapped in Libby's brain (yes, really), they have to make her sneeze to escape. They must do so by irritating the synosis.
    Salem: Where are we going to find an irritant?
    Sabrina: Well, since most people are allergic to...
    Salem does an Eye Take.
    • They have to communicate with Hilda through a walkie talkie, which Hilda gets a little too into...
    Hilda: Breaker breaker! This is Kitchen Momma calling. Sabrina, what do you want your call sign to be?
    Sabrina: Aunt Hilda!
    • Hilda also gets in a good barb on Libby, referring to her as Sabrina's "friend Leona Helmsley"note