Carole: Well I've got geography A-Level, Missbriss. I got a "B", and I got a distinction for my project on the River Darling.
Helen: DON'T CALL HIM "DARLING", YOU BITCH!
— Helen Brittas mistakenly believing Carole Parkinson is flirting with her husband.
- Date First Aired: 24/12/1996
It's the Christmas season, and Brittas has decided to take the staff (sans Julie, who will appear next episode, and Penny, who will never be mentioned again) out on a survival course to Wales until Christmas Eve. Before they leave, Colin gives everyone a Christmas card. Unfortunately, one of these recipients is Helen and she misunderstands the "C" he put at the end of each card to mean that Carole is having an affair with Brittas, leading to her joining the trip in a bid to kill Carole. Also at the centre is Warwick Newmark, who usually functions as the centre's Santa Claus. However, Brittas informs him that he will not be taking up the role this Christmas, which makes him so mad that he decides to kill the staff.
Eventually, the staff makes it to Wales, where they greet Kipper B Brown. Whilst they're going through what they're going to do, they greet a Broken-Window Warning, informing them that they're going to die. The next day, they do a team-building exercise. Unfortunately, it doesn't go well - Helen gets even more proof that Carole is having an affair with Brittas and Linda is almost thrown into a river. This also does not take into account Newmark's attempts to murder the staff by releasing a boulder down a hill at them.
That night, the staff go out to survive in the wilderness, but it goes wrong and they quickly get lost. They quickly correct themselves but Helen uses the opportunity to get herself some pizza. As Brittas is ratting her out on it, Kipper is killed falling into Colin's latrine and it doesn't help it when Newmark destroys their tents and maps using a flaming arrow. On the bright side, Brittas finally learns about Helen's belief that Carole is having an affair, who proceeds to learn the truth from Colin. On the even brighter side, Dai calls back and the staff is able to use the opportunity to get help and Newmark is killed by jumping off the cliff and falling into the bog.
Tropes featured in this episode:
- Accidental Murder: Brown ends up dying when he trips into the latrine that Colin had prepared earlier. Granted, Colin does try to help, but his attempts just end up sealing Brown's fate.
- Accidental Suicide: Newmark accidentally kills himself by jumping from the mountaintop he was on and crashing down into the bog below.
- Arrows on Fire: Newmark burns down the staff's tents and map using a flaming arrow.
- Aw, Look! They Really Do Love Each Other: Despite constantly taking Brittas for granted, Helen repeatedly tries to murder Carole when she thinks Brittas is having an affair with her.
- Bad Santa: The episode has the staff be targeted by a Santa costume-wearing Mr. Newmark.
- Bait-and-Switch: Colin's story about wanting a bike for Christmas but getting a satsuma instead is framed as if one Christmas, he did actually manage to get the bike he wanted. Then he reveals that he got another satsuma instead, even if it had tyre marks in it.
- Batter Up!: Newmark intended to beat up the staff with a baseball bat at the end of the episode before he accidentally kills himself.
- Big Bad Ensemble: Mr. Newmark is the main antagonist of the episode, trying to kill the staff for not allowing him to be the Centre's Santa over Christmas. However, Helen also plays an antagonistic role herself, trying to kill Carole under the belief that Brittas was having an affair with her.
- Big Damn Heroes: Just as the staff are ready to consign themselves to spending Christmas lost in the woods, Dai calls Gavin's phone to tell them that they forgot the garlic bread, allowing them to get help.
- Blame the Paramour: A mishap with one of Colin's Christmas cards leads Helen to believe that her husband Brittas is cheating on her with Carole. Although she's somewhat annoyed at Brittas, she's even more so at Carole, and she spends the episode making death threats and attempting to kill her whilst largely ignoring Brittas.
- Break the Motivational Speaker: Brittas comes close with his constant interruptions to Captain Kipper 'B' Brown.
- Brick Joke: Whilst lost in the woods, Colin recounts the story of how he always wanted a bike for Christmas, but would always end up with a satsuma instead. At the end of the episode, he finds Mr. Newmark's bike and is overjoyed that Santa finally seemed to have remembered to get him the gift that he wanted.
- Broken-Window Warning: During the initial meeting, Mr. Newmark throws a rock through the window, informing them that they're going to die.
- Can't Take Criticism: Mr. Newmark takes Brittas telling him that he wasn't any good as a Mall Santa very poorly, leading to his attempt to kill the staff. The fact that it was the critics who ruined his theatre career might have something to do with this.
- Caught in a Snare: One of Newmark's attempts to kill the staff involves the implementation of a snare in the forest. Poor Tim ends up upside down in the forest and gets his leg hurt as a result.
- Cellphones Are Useless: Gavin has a mobile phone throughout the trip, but the remote conditions make it difficult to use. Helen does briefly manage to use it, but only to buy pizza. It only proves useful at the end when Dai manages to call over it.
- Chekhov's Gunman: Dai 'B' Pizza's initial role is to provide a joke about Helen using the opportunity to order a pizza instead of getting any help. Then, at the end of the episode, he provides a Big Damn Heroes moment when he calls them back to tell them that they forgot the garlic bread, allowing the staff the opportunity to get help.
- Christmas Episode: Brittas and the staff go on a survival course in Wales where, amongst other things, they end up targeted by a murderous Santa Claus actor.
- Christmas in July: Mr. Newmark's one interaction with his agent over the past year had the agent tell him that apparently, people in Australia have Christmas over the Summer. Making his way down in August, he is not pleased to learn that this isn't true and that Australians have it in December like everyone else.
- Chuck Cunningham Syndrome: Penny is nowhere to be seen in this episode, and won't be mentioned at all for the rest of the series.
- Cooldown Hug: When Tim gets particularly panicked at the thought of being killed out in the wilderness, Gavin gives him a hug to calm him down.
- Cue the Rain: During the survival course, Brittas states that at least it's not raining. Sure enough, this is exactly what happens.
- Cute, but Cacophonic: Tim spends most of the episode shrieking in panic at the thought that someone is trying to kill the staff.
- Double-Meaning Title: The episode title can refer to the staff going on a survival course near the Christmas holidays, but it can also refer to the fact that they’re trying to survive against several wannabe assassins, one of which is a Mall Santa.
- Dramatic Irony: Brittas laughs off the idea that he would have an affair with Carole, unaware of the fact that he has technically cheated on Helen with Carole during a New Year's Day party and is the father of her twin girls as a result. For that matter, he also laughs off the idea of Helen having an affair, unaware of the fact that at this point, the list of people with whom she has had an affair away from Brittas is quite extensive.
- Easily Forgiven: Considering the fact that Helen outright attempts to murder Carole throughout the episode, Carole forgives her rather easily.Helen: I'm really sorry, Carole. There's been a bit of a misunderstanding. I won't try to murder you anymore.Carole: Thank you, MissBriss.
- Evil Is Hammy: Mr. Newmark, who loudly booms his way through his attempts to murder the staff. A background in Drama would do that to people.
- Hidden Depths: Carole is quite good at geography.
- Hilariously Abusive Childhood: Carole's idea of keeping Ben safe whilst she's away on a survival course? Putting him in kennels. At least Ben is apparently looking forward to it, having a love for dogs, and Carole intends to put him in with a nice Cocker Spaniel.
- Holiday Episode: The staff spends this episode on a survival course in Wales, with the leisure centre only appearing for the first 5 minutes of the episode.
- Horrible Camping Trip: The camping portion of the survival course is already not a pleasant experience, considering the fact that everyone is being pursued by a Bad Santa. Then, Mr. Newmark burns down their tents and Kipper 'B' Brown dies, leaving them stranded in the wilderness.
- Hypocrite: Helen cheats on Brittas throughout the entire series, yet when she thinks he is having an affair with Carole, she is outraged and tries to kill Carole.
- I Don't Like the Sound of That Place: Falin Bog, so called because a lot of people fall in it and perish.
- I Ate WHAT?!: When Gavin learns that the strange roots which Colin had given him came from the latrine he had been digging, his response is to spit them out in disgust.
- Love Makes You Crazy: Helen's belief that Brittas is having an affair leads her to try and murder Carole.
- Mall Santa: What Warwick Newmark is meant to do at the centre is to be its Santa Claus over Christmas. Of course, it all goes downhill when Brittas doesn't want him this year. Not that he was any good at the job - last time he was there, he scared the children.
- Mistaken for Cheating: Helen spends the entire episode believing that Carole and Brittas are having an affair with each other, all because of a mix-up in the Christmas cards.
- Mistaken for Santa: The episode sees a Mall Santa in pursuit of the staff with the intent of killing them, riding by bicycle. In the end, Colin sees said Mall Santa in the distance leaving behind his bicycle and is led to believe that this is the real Santa, having finally given him the bike he wanted since he was a little boy.
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Brittas drives Mr. Newmark to murderous insanity.
- Not What It Looks Like: When you come across Brittas on top of Carole, it is easy to get the wrong message as Helen finds out (even if it's because they simply fell on top of each other).
- One-Shot Character: Warwick Newmark, Captain Kipper 'B' Brown, and Dai the Pizza.
- Precision F-Strike: When Carole mentions her skills in geography, a pissed-off Helen snaps and calls her a "bitch".
- Right for the Wrong Reasons: Mr. Kipper B. Brown is correct when he says that someone is out there targeting the group with the intention to kill, but he thinks that he is specifically the target. In truth, the two people with an urge to kill this episode, Helen and Mr. Newmark, are out only to kill Carole and the leisure centre staff in general respectively, and Brown's death ends up being a case of Accidental Murder at the hands of Colin.
- Rope Bridge: Carole recounts how she almost died when a rope bridge she was about to get on collapsed before her, an act apparently performed by Helen.
- Rhymes on a Dime:
- Colin's Christmas card messages to his fellow staff members are of this variety. For instance, Carole's is "Merry Christmas to you Carole, we all agree you are a barrel... of laughs".
- Brittas was taught using "Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing".
- Sanity Ball: Colin, normally a bit of a Cloudcuckoolander, is left holding the ball due to being paired up with the more aggressive than normal Helen in this episode, being the one to try to reason with her to calm down, even if some of his solutions remain a bit odd.
- Sanity Slippage: Mr. Newmark starts off as nice, if not slightly overbearing, then once Brittas tells him he won't be needed at the centre this Christmas, he becomes deranged and tries to murder him.
- Self-Disposing Villain: After plaguing the staff for the entirety of the episode, Mr. Newmark ends up engineering his own demise when he jumps off a hill and straight into the bog, which quickly sucks him in.
- Song Parody: Colin tries singing a winter-themed version of "Summer Holiday" by Cliff Richard as everyone leaves the Leisure Centre, but is interrupted by Tim telling him to shut up before he can get very far with it.
- Special Edition Title: Much like the previous Christmas episode, this episode forgoes the usual Credits Montage in favour of moving footage of the staff returning to Whitbury placed under more typical scrolling credits.
- Still Believes in Santa: Colin thinks Santa got him a bike for Christmas, unaware that it actually belonged to the recently deceased Mr. Newmark.
- Trust-Building Blunder:
- The whole trip to Wales was done as an attempt to build trust amongst the staff members. Unfortunately, it's spent with Helen thinking that Brittas is having an affair with Carole and a Bad Santa attacking them. By the end of it all, the staff are even more mistrustful of each other than usual.
- In a more specific example, the staff do a trust-building exercise where one person wears a blindfold and the other has to guide them whilst wearing earphones. Brittas and Carole end up in a Not What It Looks Like situation when they fall on top of each other, and Helen, trying to pursue the couple, leaves her intended partner, Colin, behind, who proceeds to almost push Linda into a river.
- Vomit Discretion Shot: Colin vomits 16 times during the trip up, although thankfully, the audience only hears it. They do see the puke marks on the exterior of the car, however.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Whilst an explanation is given for Ben's whereabouts during this episode, having been put in kennels, Carole doesn't explain if this is what she has done for her twin daughters as well, leaving their whereabouts unknown.
- Woman Scorned: Helen believes Brittas is cheating on her with Carole, so she spends the episode trying to kill her.
