Top Billing
Alas, Barry and Winton. We knew them.
Crypt Keeper: (wearing a suit and seated in a leather chair as classical music plays, à la Alistair Cooke) Good evening, culture vultures. And welcome to another installment of Mash-to-Pieces Theater (cackles). Tonight we ask the question: "To be or not to be?" Or in this case, an actor stuck with an average face who's so sick and tired of auditioning he's willing to do almost anything! Did I say "almost"? (snickers) I call this sickening saga: Top Billing.
Fresh off the failure of his latest casting call, struggling actor Barry Blye (Jon Lovitz) runs into one of his old classmates, Winton Robbins (Bruce Boxleitner). Barry is bitter over Winton's choice to utilize his talent on tasteless commercials - and the big money he's made from them - rather than "serious" acting. Soon after the failed audition, Barry spots a casting notice for a production of Hamlet and decides to try his hand at auditioning, seeing it as a chance to build his reputation. Before he does so, Barry's agent cuts ties with him, saying that he doesn't have "the look" to succeed as an actor. After this, his girlfriend leaves him for another actor and he gets evicted from his apartment.
Barry is surprised to find that the theater putting on the production is in a trash-strewn alley, but he gets a worse shock upon finding Winton at the front door. Both actors are invited in to meet Nelson Halliwell (John Astin), the temperamental and highly-eccentric director, who immediately casts Winton without an audition simply because he has "the look." Backstage, Barry flies into a rage and strangles his rival to death with curtain ropes. Winton chokes out the words "I'm not Hamlet" with his last breath, but Barry pays no mind to this. He hides the body in the laundry room as a phone begins to ring in the next room over, where a man in white sits slumped over at a desk.
Barry tells Nelson that Winton left the production and volunteers to take his place. While going over his lines in his dressing room, Barry is surprised to be immediately called in for a final run-through, even though he hasn't rehearsed yet. Barry insists that he needs to rehearse for the role of Hamlet, not realizing that another actor has already been cast for the part. A tag that Winton had removed from his costume (and expressed confusion over) just before his death reveals that he was not cast as Hamlet, but as Yorick (the long-dead friend whose skull Hamlet speaks to during the play). Realizing that the troupe is planning to kill him, Barry flees to the laundry room. As Nelson and company corner him with an ax, he finds that the slumped figure in the next room is one of several murdered staff members at an institution for the criminally insane - and that the troupe consists of its escaped patients. Barry grabs at the barred window and screams as Nelson brings the ax down.
The play goes on as planned, using Barry's bloody and freshly peeled skull (with one eyeball still in its socket) as Yorick. In the wings, Nelson muses that he was mistaken; Barry does indeed have "the look" for the part. The police soon arrive to raid the institute, not noticing Barry's peeled face and scalp lying discarded among the trash in the alley, which is snatched up by a stray dog to be eaten.
Tropes:
- Adaptational Karma: The comic ends with the revelation that the troupe are a bunch of criminally insane mental patients, with them killing the protagonist to use his skull for Yorick. While they still succeed here, the police arrive at the end, meaning they won't get away with it for long.
- Affably Evil: As they're legitimately insane, the troupe remain blissfully happy and friendly as Barry realizes what's really happening. It makes it all the creepier.
- Alas, Poor Yorick: Barry learns that Yorick is the only remaining role in the play, with Nelson remarking that they've had quite a difficult time "casting" the part. The Crypt Keeper even remarks he's been trying to get the part for years.
- Asshole Victim: Zigzagged. Despite being obnoxious about his acting abilities, Barry can be seen as reasonably sympathetic, since he's clearly struggling in assorted ways (getting dumped by both his agent and girlfriend in the same day). Losing a part to the guy he can't stand causes him to cross the line and resort to killing said rival. He finds out who the troupe really are shortly before he suffers an even more ghastly death.
- Bad "Bad Acting": Barry's "victim" in the opening scene quickly becomes listless in her delivery when Barry starts pretending to strangle her. It's deliberate, since she's holding an audition that Barry isn't getting, and is shown to have several other men waiting outside her door to repeat the scene.
- Be Careful What You Wish For: The Crypt Keeper lampshades how Barry finally got his wish to be in a classy theater production, just not in the way he wanted.
- Beware the Silly Ones: The hammy director and his quirky troupe? They're criminally insane mental patients who slaughtered the staff of the home they're kept in.
- Bittersweet Ending: Barry ends up dead, but the police arrive shortly after the twisted play starts, so the troupe don't get away with their deeds for long.
- Butt-Monkey: As described below, nothing goes right for Barry. Nothing.
- Cassandra Truth: Winton's dying words are an attempt to tell Barry that he's not Hamlet. Had Barry listened, he might've noticed something was very wrong.
- Classically-Trained Extra: Barry is a well-trained and highly knowledgeable actor, but he keeps getting turned down for major roles solely because of dull look. He openly looks down on the handsome Winton for the money he makes starring in cheesy commercials.
- Failed a Spot Check: The police who storm the hospital fail to notice Barry's discarded face in the trash.
- Failed Audition Plot: The first half of the episode has the signs of one, but that quickly goes away after Winton is killed.
- Fake-Out Opening: The opening scene features a woman on the phone who is cornered by Barry (who she calls "Leon"), who seems to be moving in to kill her. It's revealed that this is an audition for a play that Barry was hoping to appear in, where he's rejected for not having "the look".
- Foreshadowing:
- The opening scene of the episode has Barry audition for a role where he strangles an unsuspecting woman with a piece of rope. He does this to Winton for real towards the end.
- At the theater, a ringing phone is occasionally heard in the background; one scene also shows viewers a man in a white lab coat slumped over a desk. We later learn this is the body of one of the hospital staff murdered by the troupe, and that the phone calls were continuous attempts to reestablish contact.
- Right before Barry kills Winton, Winton notices a card attached to his costume. Just as he reads what part that costume is for, Barry strangles him.
- Homage: To go with the episode centering around a classic play, the Crypt Keeper's intro and outro is a reference to Masterpiece, with him playing the role of Alistair Cooke.
- Hopeless Auditionees: Barry is one, with his drab appearance costing him one job after another. As he leaves the office in the opening scene, a line of men reciting his earlier lines and carrying rope can be seen behind him, waiting for their chance to perform the same scene.
- Ignored Epiphany: During his meeting with Nelson, Winton is ready to leave his "theater" as quickly as possible. Then he gets offered the role of Hamlet without any audition, and opts to stay just to spite Barry.
- Insult Backfire: Barry mocks Winton for appearing in a commercial where he was dancing the tango on top of a disposable douche. Winton retorts that he got $50,000 for that commercial alone.
- Irony:
- Barry is turned down for the role in the first scene on the belief that he couldn't pass for a murderer. Winton probably wishes that were true.
- Barry is finally commended for having "the look" while he "plays" Yorick.
- Jerkass: Winton is willing to take the role of Hamlet, dozens of hours of prep and rehearsal, and an intensely complicated part with hundreds of lines, just to screw with Barry.
- Jerkass Has a Point: Winton is a handsome and snobby sell-out who looks down on the dull Barry, but he does have a point that Barry's stubbornness and "struggling artiste crap" isn't doing him any favors career or financially wise. He also tells Barry that his girlfriend Lisa deserves better, and advises him to spruce himself up instead of spending what little money he has on acting lessons.
- Large Ham: Nelson Halliwell, as played by John Astin. Nearly every line of his is No Indoor Voice.
- Loser Protagonist: Barry is the single most pathetic protagonist in the entire series, and the episode is dedicated to reminding the audience of that fact:
- He loses out on the role he was hoping for in the opening scene, though he's flat broke and hasn't eaten in a week.
- He gets dumped by his agent for not having "the look" to accentuate his talent.
- His girlfriend Lisa leaves him for another actor.
- He's evicted from his crappy apartment and his landlord is threatening to throw him in jail for vagrancy.
- His belongings are taken away by a grouchy repo man who eats the last bit of food Lisa was saving for him, who even calls him a loser to his face to drive the nail further.
- He loses a part to his rival who doesn't get to audition, in a derelict "theater" housing only a handful of people, just as said rival was preparing to leave and give the part to him, solely because said rival has "the look".
- After he resorts to murder to get his rival out of the way, his victory is very short lived when the troupe kills him and uses his skull as their Yorick prop.
- The last shot of the episode has a stray dog walking into frame and grabbing his flayed face in its teeth, intending to eat it.
- Money, Dear Boy: In-Universe. Winton uses his handsomeness and great acting skills solely for commercial gigs, since they pay big money. Barry loathes him primarily for this reason, deeming him a sell-out.
- Napoleon Delusion: One of the mental patients, Beaks, thinks that he's the Dalai Lama and that the theater is Shangri-La.
- Never My Fault: Regarding his appearance, Barry doesn't want to change his face or his attire because he likens it to prostituting himself, and instead chooses to blame everyone else whenever he fails an audition.
- Obliviously Evil: Nelson, Beaks, and the rest of the troupe don't seem aware whatsoever that their actions are wrong; they're legitimately insane and just want to put on a great production. Nelson even tries to assure Barry he's going to do great before chopping his head off.
- Off with His Head!: How Barry dies. The troupe then flay his severed head and use it as their Yorick prop.
- Oh, Crap!:
- Barry, when he reads the card and sees the character he's expected to play.
- He gets another one when he realizes he's not in a theater, but an asylum where the criminally insane inmates killed the staff and took over.
- Poetic Serial Killer: Barry recites lines from Hamlet as he prepares to kill Winton.
- Pre-Mortem One-Liner: "It's showtime!"
- Pride: After being insulted, Winton goes to the Hamlet audition just to make a point about "the look" getting one a part to Barry. Barry does him one better by murdering him after he's cast.
- Prima Donna Director: Nelson Halliwell is as hammy as can be, constantly barking orders at his cast. Considering what we eventually learn about him and his troupe, this was very likely a warning sign.Nelson: What are you doing?! You're an actor! I command you to act!
Gravedigger: I don't have any lines.
Nelson: That's no excuse! Living is acting! Being is acting! This is the gravedigger scene. You're a gravedigger. Dig, or I'll ram this shovel down your putrid, little throat! DIG! - Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Winton initially is set to bail on the production after listening to Nelson's ramblings. When he's cast as Hamlet simply because he has "the look", he decides to stay solely to one-up Barry.
- Sell-Out: Barry sees Winton as one of them for appearing primarily in commercials, which is one of the reasons he loathes him.
- Servile Snarker: Beaks, Nelson's number two, gets in an occasional dig at his partner.
- Shout-Out to Shakespeare: The would-be play is a production of Hamlet. We see Nelson overseeing a rehearsal of the gravedigger scene, while a few quotes from the play are said here and there in other scenes.
- Smooth-Talking Talent Agent: Barry's agent is one of these, which is shown when she fires Barry because he doesn't have "the look", and goes so far as to nonchalantly floss her teeth while he's hurling threats at her.
- Spanner in the Works: Barry picking up the phone in the next room is what tips off the police that something has gone horribly wrong at the institute. Unfortunately, they arrive too late to save Barry himself.
- Starving Artist: Barry is stated and shown several times to be destitute. Despite this, he takes acting and the world of theater very seriously, but he refuses to alter his appearance in any possible way to improve his chances of getting a role. He also prefers the classics and more artistic productions, balking at the idea of doing commercials (assuming he'd even get hired for one, of course). His agent even lampshades his focus on the "stupid, struggling artiste crap" instead of considering the business side of things, telling him that expenses take priority over dreams.
- Tear Off Your Face: Once the homicidal troupe kills Barry, they peel off his face and scalp so they can use his skull as Yorick. Barry's face is then seen in the trash, where it's snatched up and eaten by a dog.
- Villain Ball: Winton initially shows himself as comfortable with appearing in commercials for a living, since they pay big money. He then shows up at the theater and is given the role of Hamlet in an instant because of his looks, which he does solely to spite Barry. His endless pride and in-your-face attitude gets him strangled by his rival.
- Wham Shot:
- The costume card reading "Yorick."
- The doctor's ID tag that says "Teasdale Home for the Criminally Insane".
- You Are Too Late: The authorities learn what's happening at the hospital because Barry picks up the ringing phone, but the cops don't get there until after he's been killed. The head officer seems to be aware of this trope, though he reminds the others that they have no idea if any other innocents are still in the building.
Crypt Keeper: (applauding the episode) Bravo! Encore! Well, Barry axed for the part and he got it. But, typical Barry - they still couldn't use his face! It's just as well. The critics would have cut him to pieces! (cackles; reaches for the phone next to him and begins dialing) I'm calling my agent. I've waited all my death to play the part of Yorick! So until next time, kiddies. (into the receiver) Hello? I'd like to speak with my agent. What do you mean he's in a beating?!
