Follow TV Tropes


Just For Fun / Things I Will Do If I Am Ever the Vampire

Go To

This is a list of tips on how not to suck as a Vampire.

The original version of the list can be found on this link, having been compiled by the population of rec.arts.sf.written on Usenet.

NOTE: Do not edit the contents of the original list, unless it is to add links to any relevant articles. If you want to make any additions of your own, write them after the line where the original list ends (#68).

  1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there when he is dead.
  2. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?
  3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a sniper rifle.
  4. When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in out-of-the-way locations such as the inside of the thigh, the lower part of the breast or other location not requiring painfully obvious alteration of clothing or ridiculous accessories to conceal.
  5. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.
  6. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
  7. I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.
  8. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.
  9. I will wear white clothing, which does not set off my pallor as obviously as black.
  10. If I can't avoid wearing black all the time, and acting weird, I will go to bars which cater to that sort of clientele. It would make it more difficult for the hero to pick me out of the crowd.
  11. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the point?
  12. I will not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centuries of experience. Even inexperienced losers can get lucky.
  13. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside and which sunlight can be directed down using mirrors.
  14. If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.
  15. When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and eternal slave I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. That would goad the Hero into making an attack. She will be tucked away in a quiet room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.
  16. I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age forever while their minds grows older and they will become whiny and disobedient.
  17. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.
  18. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.
  19. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.
  20. I will have one of my Entranced Subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a lumber yard.
  21. My home will have mirrors but they will be located in places such as the bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero or his friends.
  22. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly or hypnotize people when there might be witnesses.
  23. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce, attack or even bother visitors staying in the castle unless they have express consent from me.
  24. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.
  25. I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than ""
  26. I will not associate with vampire theaters, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.
  27. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be dead or senile.
  28. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.
  29. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidentally cuts himself.
  30. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory.
  31. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident expression.
  32. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.
  33. Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or large blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.
  34. I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Van Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire.
  35. I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of The Skeptical Inquirer or Das Kapital rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably...
  36. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.
  37. I will not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed, or other addictive drugs.
  38. All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
  39. Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.
  40. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might notice odd behavior in my future concubines. Therefore, I take the teacher at the all-girls school first.
  41. All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.
  42. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.
  43. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.
  44. All future concubines will be stripped searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.
  45. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.
  46. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.
  47. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi.
    • 47a. And if it does, I will immediately leave town (having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice).
  48. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will secretly finance. After a few years of modern education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will undoubtedly be ways to destroy me.
  49. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former.
  50. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
  51. All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts longer in a fight.
  52. Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines they work quite effectively on the Hero and his friends. Therefore all concubines will be armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and fang in attack only as a last resort.
  53. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify.
  54. I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death
  55. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my apparent age.
  56. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow vampire that I was fond of. They have clearly demonstrated they have the ability to destroy me.
  57. More vampires means lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I really want more of us running around.
  58. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic. No silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) But ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it *look* like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab me with it.
  59. I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas at all times. Not needing to breathe is a useful skill.
  60. As cancer isn't a particularly large concern for me, I'll wear asbestos clothing.
  61. I will make lots of long term investments.
    • 61a. With the great wealth I get from that, I shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood, or a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to McDonald's instead of bothering the hero's womenfolk.
  62. While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heroes.
  63. As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.
  64. I will not engage a Vampire Slayer in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well.
  65. If I find out that there is a Vampire Slayer living in the vicinity, I will consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the advantages conferred by that particular location.
  66. When faced with a gang of spunky kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I will consider surrender. Or mailbombs.
  67. I will put on lots of makeup and fur, and howl at the moon every once in a while. This should confuse the hero, and will probably enable me to get away with a silver bullet or two.
  68. I will not consider property crimes beneath my dignity. Carjacking is a good source of income, and I don't have to worry much about the possibility of something going wrong.

Additional entries from TV Tropes

  1. If my religious beliefs determine what religious symbols can stop me, I'll find a dead religion from somewhere a long way from where I reside and worship the God of Evil whose only symbol is a 6-legged polar bear being ridden by a penguin and whose worship was banned under pain of death. Atheism is useful in the short term, but being held up by The God Delusion isn't fun. If nothing suitable comes up, I'll Start My Own and then set the local Moral Guardians on them, with the added benefit of keeping their attention away from me whilst the cult dies.
  2. Most importantly, I will familiarize myself with any and all rules of vampirism and will note any deviations from the norms. I will revise the above list as necessary based on my set of rules. For example, if I am the type of vampire who CAN survive sunlight, I will ignore the rules about sunlight and will make myself frequently seen during the day. This will throw off any Wrong Genre Savvy heroes who are expecting their enemy to be solely nocturnal.
  3. As well as determining what weaknesses I have, I will see if there is any known methods of getting around said weaknesses and utilize them. If there isn't at least a temporary cure I can use, I will experiment to see if I can find one. After all, if it's at all possible to actually remove said weakness I have an eternity to figure it out.
  4. I will not kill anyone if it can possibly be avoided, including to feed. Also, if I can survive off of the blood of animals instead of just people, I will not feed off people at all and will stop and possibly kill any vampires in my domain which do not do the same. If I don't go around killing people or allowing it, there will be no reason for a hero to show up to slay me, and if they do, it's because they're racist pricks who are no real threat.
  5. Expanding on the above point, I will attempt to be a Villain with Good Publicity, if not a straight up Anti-Hero (actual Heroism would be rather difficult for me). This increases my chances for survival, as Heroes are more likely to work with a "monster that wishes to overcome his evil nature" (Heroes eat that up), and the weak-minded mortals have a thing for bad boys.
  6. I will not be the leader of a vampiric clan. While it may seem like a cushy job with many loyal minions, the Hero will spend far too much of his time and resources trying to kill me specifically.
  7. Furthermore, I will attempt to be on jobs elsewhere while the hero is trying to get to my leader. I'm a minion, that does not mean I'm stupid.
  8. If the hero is a Friendly Neighborhood Vampire, I will consider joining him or her. If they've found a way to live alongside humans, I can too. And it would make life infinitely easier.
  9. I will not treat my servants, concubines especially, as indisposable tools. They're not pets, they're people too despite being walking corpses and deserve a chance at the full undead experience like every vampire. Plus it makes me look less like a dick, less chance for a betrayal or a Heel Turn, raises morale and, as they say, good help is hard to find.
  10. Consider the "Japanese rule" when it comes to my dwelling and shoes for undead servants. Walls are pretty much available for travel due to Wall Crawl and shoes can leave tracks.
  11. If desiring to turn a girl who has a boyfriend. Observe the two first, if they can be handled, wait for the two to be alone and have to separate for a bit. I will then knock out the boyfriend, bite the girl, take both back to lair, bound and gag the boyfriend, and put him in same room with the girl to let her do the deed when she turns. Works as both entertainment to see my concubine take out opposition (especially if the boyfriend tries "I Know You're in There Somewhere" Fight only to see his love is no longer the girl she was) and likewise feed at the same time. Two birds with one stone.
  12. I will always feed where no prying eyes and ears can detect. Bodies drop like stones once drained of blood.
  13. Consider pros and cons of feeding on or turning chubby people: They have more blood, easy enough to hunt and, as servants, are great for tanking hits from hunters. However more blood means tougher time to feed on and, if Big Eater in life might transfer over in undeath.
  14. While I will try not to engage in too much close-range fighting, my servants and I will train in proper hand to hand combat. Super strength and speed is fine and all, but most turned vamps were likely not fighters as humans and claws swipes and pouncing can only get so far without finesse, making it predictable to counter. So at best they will have a chance to defend themselves and escape. If hunters can train for this sort of thing, why can't vampires?
  15. I will not be a messy eater when feeding. Clothes are costly and it's never fun washing blood off them. Pinprick bites are cleaner, cause less splatter and, if I am turning the person into a vampire, likely to heal when vampirism kicks in.
  16. I will not rule out feeding on the elderly, or at least those in their 50-70s. Blood is blood and (if I am making them servants) vampirism doesn't discriminate, so they'll be enhance by the power it brings. Unlike children, elderly have experience in life to teach younger turned vampires and faster learners. Though while they will have Age Without Youth, will still feel like they're younger.
  17. If desiring to make a harem or mostly female servants, turn a servant and train in taking measurements for evening dresses. Women come in all shapes and sizes, so I must prepare to dress them properly for servitude.
  18. I will allow servants and concubines to keep a sense of personality while keeping control on them. While it's fun hearing them say, "I will/must obey the master", drones make boring conversationalists. Plus lets me get to know them better.
  19. Instead of living in a crowded (sub)urban neighborhood, I may consider a secluded cabin in the woods. There will be plenty of animals to feed on, I can expand an underground lair by digging tunnels under the house, and I will have an easier time with luring unsuspecting victims in relative peace.
  20. While I won't turn children into vampires (see #16), I can still make good use of them as human minions. No one suspects an ordinary child to be a servant for a vampire, and they can be great spies. Hey, it worked for Count Yorga.
  21. As an alternative to #51, if I do desire to go for flowing robes or dresses for concubines, consider hiding knives, guns and kevlar under dresses. It can catch most hunters unaware due to assuming they're likely to think the ladies will just come at them with claws and strength. Likewise helpful for cutting and/or deflecting away stakes as well. Of course make dresses thick so hunters can't see weapons.
  22. I will remember the layout of my dwelling, if it's bigger then normal then I can maneuver my enemies and/or escaping victims to where I want them to go. Particularly to dead ends where me, my servants an/or my concubines can capture or feed at our leisure. As I have supernatural powers, I should be able to slip around the building with ease. Though be wary of hunters having any weapons up their sleeves. A cornered animal fights more fiercely as they say.
  23. I can still wear black regardless of day or time. But I will make sure to wear at least one color with them.
  24. Carjacking will be a side source of income, not the only one.
  25. If someone seeks me out, do full background check to ensure they aren’t the hero.
  26. If the person seeks to know of the events I’ve lived through, make them sign a waiver.
  27. If a child enters my domain, I will not harm the child, be kind to them. This will makes the audience more sympathetic if you’re good to children.


How well does it match the trope?

Example of:


Media sources: