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Funny / Xena: Warrior Princess

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  • From "Chariots of War":
    [Gabrielle has to jump to a moving chariot from Xena's horse]
    Xena: Jump!
    Gabrielle: Are you crazy?
    Xena: Jump!
    Gabrielle: If I die I'm never talking to you again!
    ]a short while later]
    Xena: You call that a jump?
    Gabrielle: No, it was a frantic leap. Best I could do.
  • The whole "baby-throwing" sequence from "Cradle of Hope". Made even funnier by the fact that, rather than wailing in fear, the baby is giggling the whole time.
  • The Cold Open from "The Path Not Taken", in which Xena casually punches out several drunken, violent bar patrons one at a time, presumably without Gabrielle noticing a thing. Then Xena finally uses her alchohol-plus-flaming-torch flamethrower trick on another, causing an entire table of patrons to hastily exit. Then:
    Gabrielle: Did you ever notice that we never have a problem getting a table?
    Xena: It's a mystery to me.
  • From "The Furies":
    Xena: I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills.
    • Xena: [mounting Argo backwards] Gooooo horsey!
  • "The Quill is Mightier...":
    Barbarian Leader: We fight with the heart of a lion!
    Aphrodite: And you run with the feet of a chicken.
    • The implication, though missed by Joxer himself, that the reason why Joxer had been summoned here was Gabrielle's use of the phrase, "Gabrielle awoke with a jerk..."
    • Three naked dancing Gabrielles. That is all.
    • During a brief lull in some violence, Gabrielle and Ares actually begin to talk and, purely by accident, start making lighthearted jokes about their past dealings with each other, before both wising up and bringing the conversation to a screeching halt.
      Ares: We were starting to...warm up to each other there, weren't we?
      Gabrielle: ...Yeah, we were.
      [Long, awkward pause]
      Ares: I didn't like it.
      Gabrielle: Right back at ya.
    • Gabrielle accidentally de-powers Ares and Aphrodite and they both fall out of the sky.
    • Aphrodite having problems with her hygiene.
      Joxer: Do you guys smell that?
      Aphrodite: Lay off me, turkey. I'm new to this mortal hygiene thing.
    • Xena defeating a whole army with Shamu Fu.
  • In "Warrior... Princess", when Princess Diana is posing as Xena:
    Diana: This is my round killing thing.
    Gabrielle: Chakram.
    Diana: Bless you.
    • When Meg the bar wench is added to the lookalike confusion in later episodes, she refers to it as her shamrock.
  • Also from "Warrior... Princess... Tramp".
    Agis (the episode's bad guy): You are useful to me only if you are a convincing thespian.
    Meg (Xena and Diana's evil triple): You never said nothing about no kinky stuff.
  • Gabrielle's increasingly desperate hitchhiking attempts near the beginning of "The Prodigal".
  • Pretty much any time Charon is on-screen in "Mortal Beloved", an otherwise serious episode.
    Xena: You must be Charon.
    Charon: No, I'm Tilulu the dancing girl.
    • Charon: Oh, "I know something's gone wrong on the other side." You can say that again. We've got everything turned upside down. All the wicked are in the Elysian Fields. All the good guys are in Tartarus. And now, we've got tourists.
    • Charon: All right, that is it. I'm drawing the line here. Someone has to. So, I'm not taking either of you across unless you've got a gold coin. Now, there will be no exceptions, no bargains, no compromises, and absolutely no deals —
      [Xena holds up Hades' Helmet of Invisibility]
      Charon: ...Welcome aboard. Hope you have a great time. Please make yourself comfortable. Keep your hands inside of the boat. [Xena and Marcus board the boat] Now, looking to the left, you will see the Caves of Distress, and just ahead, coming up on the right, you will see the Hanging Garden of Disgusting Disease.
  • "Hooves & Harlots" when Xena and Ephiny find out the war between Amazons and centaurs is provoked by someone else by investigating an ambush.
    Ephiny: (picks up horse dropping) These contain raw hay stalks. Centaurs don't eat hay.
    Xena: Actually, I was referring to the hoofprints. Centaurs put their weight on their front legs.
    Ephiny: That's just as good.
  • Eve's Cluster Bleep-Bomb outburst in "You Are There".
  • "Here She Comes...Miss Amphipolis" when one of the contestants who is a dude gets mistaken for Xena, Warrior Princess.
    "I'm no princess. I'm a Queen".
  • Gabrielle finds herself in Illusyia (at first believing it to be the Elysian Fields) in "The Bitter Suite":
    Gabrielle: The Elysian Fields! Only heroes wind up here. (Beat) Dead heroes. (she glances down, realizes she is completely naked and covers herself with her arms) Dead naked heroes.
  • Xena whining about her horse Argo leaving her for another rider in "In Sickness and in Hell".
    • And Xena learning that Argo sold her out in exchange for apples.
    • Gabrielle's encounter with a Killer Rabbit.
    • The villagers hating on Joxer's song ("The meter's awful!").
  • "Kindred Spirits" has so many such as when Gabrielle was woken up; she says "Not tonight". Other examples include when Gabrielle tells Xena that Joxer will be blinded for being a peeping tom.
    Gabrielle: Joxer's gonna be blinded.
    Xena: Nah, that's just a myth. Guys don't really go blind when they do that.
    • Or when Rhea is caught kissing Joxer.
      Cyane: What are you doing?!
      Rhea: It's called kissing. Wanna try it?
    • Joxer finds out Rhea's just using him.
      So I'm just a sexual object to be used and discarded. A baloney pony. A disposable stud. All right!
    • Or the start of Xena and Joxer's royal challenge.
      I am Xena, the ultimate woman! Versus Joxer, the ultimate meatball! And I will crush his head like a peanut between the thighs of DOOOOM!
  • Many, many of Ares' Deadpan Snarker-isms.
    And you need a diversion. Oh, pick me.
  • "Amphipolis Under Siege" is a serious episode but it has its moments thanks to Ares and Xena's ongoing antagonism.
    Ares: Don't feel bad. After all, you are fighting the goddess of wisdom and warfare.
    Xena: Don't forget weaving.
    • As well as Xena's mother walking in on Ares and Xena and remarking that if she was to end up with a god she expected it to be Hermes. Ares wasn't amused.
    • This:
      Ares: How goes the siege?
      Athena: I'm about to start catapulting dead cows into the village.
      Ares: And a classic it is.
  • Xena organizing a jailbreak in "The Black Wolf".
    Salmoneus: All right, I got 15 belts, 6 shirts and 3 propositions. This work is disgusting.
    • Gabrielle trying to imitate Xena's moves for a major Epic Fail. When she tries to use a bowl like the chakram, it bounces and smacks her in the face. When she tries to use the Pressure Point move on a guard, it has no effect and the guard punches her out while she's giving the, "I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You'll be dead in thirty seconds..." speech.
    • Salmoneus meets Gabrielle and Xena in prison. What makes this so funny is the fact that Xena of all people looks so genuinely bewildered by the exchange.
    Gabrielle: You know, you wouldn't even be in here if you had just kept your hands off my tomatoes.
  • "Purity" had the one where Gabrielle had to use Joxer's black powder to escape their stocks. It was in his pocket, so she had to reach in there with her toes...
    Gabrielle: Remind me to cut off my foot later.
  • Xena's reaction to her pregnancy in "Animal Attraction".
    Xena: If you weren't such a quack you'd know that getting pregnant requires certain physical requirements that I haven't met in a long time. And I mean a very long time. No one, zilch, zippo. I am a love-free zone so it is impossible for me to be up the duff. So what's your diagnosis now?
    Doctor: Mood swings!
  • Leah bemoaning Xena and Gabrielle's lack of virginity in "Warrior, Priestess, Tramp".
    Gabrielle: I was married at the time.
    Leah: Yes, well, we all have our excuses, don't we?
    Gabrielle: [Xena smirks and Gab turns to her] Were you?
    • The various Contrived Coincidences that ultimately result in Gabrielle being faced with three Lucy Lawlesses all dressed identically.
    • Joxer's entire song in the brothel with all the women happily joining in and obviously having had enough visits to have learnt the words. It was actually kind of impressive to see Joxer so accepted and in his element somewhere.
  • From "A Royal Couple of Thieves":
    Autolycus: Ha ha ha, you're trying to use my ego against me.
    Gabrielle: I didn't think it would work.
    Autolycus: No, it worked. I'll do it.
  • "The Quest". Awkwardness ensued after Xena (in Autolycus' body) kissed Gabrielle.
    Atolycus: "Well, I hope you two worked things out".
  • "The Royal Couple of Thieves". Autolycus is confronted by Xena (Meg in armor) after stealing a ruby.
    ''"It's just a little ruby, no one's gonna notice."
    "The ruby, it's gone!"
    "Oh, all right!" [throws it back]
    "The ruby, it's back!"
  • "Been There, Done That":
    • Xena stuck in a "Groundhog Day" Loop. Her frustration keeps mounting until she throws her chakram right into Joxer's chest during one of his wake-up calls, then goes back to sleep while Gabrielle freaks out. And then there's the bit where she's revealed the situation to Gabrielle and Joxer so many times that she's memorized every suggestion they make.
      "No, No, Yes, No, I tried that, yes both ways, no, I don't know, no again, are there any more questions? Good."
    • There's also her epic temper tantrum after she thought she FINALLY made peace in the village, complete with kicking her feet in frustration.
    • On Xena's second loop, talking about how Joxer died.
      Xena: There was so much blood [from Joxer's dying body]!
      [Joxer faints while Gabrielle still looks disbelieving]
      Xena: We had a funeral for him! You cried over him!
      Joxer: [suddenly recovers and leans beside Gabrielle] You cried for me?
    • Then there's this exchange, summing up Xena's experience in that episode:
      Gabrielle: So you're saying that today is actually yesterday for you, but for us today is today, because we can't remember that yesterday is today, right?
      Xena (relieved): "Right!"
      Gabrielle: "Well, I don't get it."
    • At one point, Joxer suggests that maybe it's the rooster's fault. Having been through several loops and with her patience wearing thin, the scene immediately Smash Cuts to an external view of a barn, Xena's chakram flying in through an open window, followed by a spray of feathers and dismayed chicken noises.
  • In "The Xena Scrolls", Ares tells Renee O'Connor's character that her ancestor was an "annoying blonde." Her thoughts immediately go to Callisto...and she's quite happy about it! But he tells her she's thinking of the wrong blonde. The next scene is her true ancestor in a stupor in "Altared States".
  • Gabrielle doing the Mushroom Samba in "Altared States."
  • The skeleton fight. As in Xena and Alti are in the spirit realm, leading to the peeling off of skin so that their skeletons can duel, in the "best" CGI that the late 90s could offer.
  • When Xena convinces Gabrielle not to refuse Kahina's offerings, Kahina proceeds to offer her cousins to bed her. Xena's shocked face says it all.
  • In "The King of Assassins", Gabriel tries to use to use Xena's pinch on a guard and informs him that she's cut off the flow of blood to his limbs and that the numbness will be setting him. He shrugs it off with a very casual, "Nope! I seem to be fine. Don't do that."