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- "Beyond the Sea" is absolutely tearjerking, but a bright spot is Mulder's deadpan recap of how he spent an afternoon with a serial killer:Mulder: It was five hours of Boggs's "channeling". After the first three hours, I asked him to summon up the soul of Jimi Hendrix and requested "All Along the Watchtower".
- From "Squeeze":Scully: (looks at substance on Mulder's fingers) I think it's bile.
Mulder: Is there any way I can get this off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?
- A small one from "Young at Heart" when Mulder is talking with Agent Henderson, who is analyzing the penmanship on a note found at a crime scene.Mulder: Thanks, Henderson. I owe you one.
Henderson: Promises, promises.
- From "Darkness Falls" while looking at a slide of a group of loggers who had vanished mysteriously:Mulder: Thirty loggers working a clear-cutting contract in Washington state. Rugged, manly men in the full bloom of their manhood.
Scully: Right, but what am I looking for?
Mulder: Anything strange, unexplainable, unlikely ... boyfriend?
- In "E.B.E.," the scene in which Scully is introduced to The Lone Gunmen—Langly and Byers being paranoid, Frohike hitting on Scully. And the next scene:Scully: Those were the most paranoid people I have ever met. I dont know how you could think that what they say is even remotely plausible.
Mulder: I think its remotely plausible that someone might think youre hot.
Mulder: I dont speak Japanese, but I think some businessman told me to stick a piece of sushi where the sun dont shine.
- Also in "E.B.E.":
- "Tooms" while Mulder is trying to distract Tooms from going after another victim:Mulder: I'm looking for my dog. His name is Heinrich. He's a Norwegian Elkhound. I use him to hunt moose!
- Scully's ultimatum to Mulder in "The Erlenmeyer Flask":Scully: I'm warning you — if this is monkey pee, Mulder, you're on your own.
- "Shadows"Scully: Are you saying Lauren Kyte crashed our car?Mulder: Either that or a poltergeist.Scully: They're heeeeere...
- "Shapes"Mulder: Well, they told me that even though my deodorant's made for a woman, it's strong enough for a man.
- From "Blood" poking fun at Frohike's crush on Scully:Frohike: So, Mulder, where's your little partner?
Mulder: (deadpans) She wouldn't come. She's afraid of her love for you.
Frohike: She's tasty.
Mulder: You know, Frohike, it's men like you that give perversion a bad name.
- Mulder mumbling about, "What's wrong with right field? I played right field..." It's so easy to picture him playing little league, staring into space and thinking about aliens...
- From "Excelsis Dei" concerning Mulder's not-so-secret porn collection. Mulder walks into the office to find Scully watching a video.Scully: Good morning.
Mulder (slightly panicked): Whatever tape you found in that VCR, it isn't mine.
Scully (amused): Good, because I put it back in that drawer with all those other videos that aren't yours.
- Mulder and Scully questioning Hal Arden is a conversation full of hilarious moments, from Hal showing them his "plumbing" to him hitting on Scully and then telling Mulder he didn't mean to "step on [his] toes."
- Ahem. "Die Hand Die Verletzt" Starts weird, gets weirder.Mulder: The homicide did have a ceremonial presentation — the manner in which the body was displayed...
Scully: Mulder, I got the impression you didn't believe him either?
Mulder: I didn't want to incite his already clearly aggravated imagination. But there is a weird feel to this place, maybe there is some truth to those rumors.
Scully: I think he incited your imagination. I think this case is nothing more than a murderer taking advantage of local folklore. I mean, there's nothing odd about—
(Scully is interrupted by a rain of toads. Mulder does an impressive Face Palm because being confirmed so quickly implies this is going to be one of their really bad cases.)
Mulder: So... lunch?
Scully: Mulder! Toads just fell from the sky!
Mulder: I guess their parachutes didn't open. You were saying something about this place not feeling odd?
Oakes: I know he and his friends listened to devil music.
Mulder: "The Night Chicago Died"?
- The entire episode is blackly hilarious; horrible things happen, but they are so over-the-top that you can't help but laugh:
- A school staff meeting. Today's items: athletic track to be closed to joggers after 8.30 pm, unsuitability of Jesus Christ Superstar for the school drama, Satanic prayer.
- The mention of Jesus Christ Superstar is particularly funny - it doesn't seem that out of the ordinary for a small town school to consider Jesus Christ Superstar inappropriate because it might offend local religious sensibilities... Then the prayer starts and you realize just what those religious sensibilities are.
- The sweet old biology teacher opens her desk drawer to reveal a human heart and two eyeballs, both neat and cleaned. Then she stores a pile of exams on top of them.
- A man is eaten by a giant python.
- Scully and Mulder are heading to arrest the staff when Mulder is hit across the head with a folding chair and a bookshelf falls on Scully. The teachers drag them away to the sacrifice, feet first.
- Virtually all of "Humbug", but Scully eating the cricket takes the prize. Double so because, despite having the alternative of a more palatable, Gillian Anderson actually ate it. Though there are rumours that she just put it in her mouth and didn't eat it for real... We will never know.
- She put it in her mouth, but spit it out between scenes.
- "Humbug" was the first real comedy episode of the show, and still possibly the funniest of the whole run. A good one is when one of the circus-folk characters looks disgustedly at Mulder, who is unconsciously striking a catalogue pose in the background, and asks Scully, 'can you imagine going through your whole life looking like that?'
- Best part? It's an Ironic Echo of Scully - talking about one of the circus folk.
- While checking into the motel, Mulder asks the manager, a little person, if he's worked in a circus. Insulted, the manager tries to make a point about stereotyping by performing a Sherlock Scan on Mulder, classifying him as someone who works for the government, probably FBI. At the end, Mulder says that he is an FBI agent.
- Lenny, the conjoined twin, rouses Scully in the morning to a report of another dead victim. As they stand in the trailer doorway, he notices her Side Boob in her bathrobe while she notices his conjoined twin hiding in his bathrobe. Once they both realize what they're staring at, they each tighten up their own robes out of embarrassment.
- The final line of the episode is one of the darkest funniest punchlines of the entire series.Scully: Well, (Lenny's) body possesses some anatomical discrepancies... some offshoots of the esophagus and trachea that almost seem umbilical in nature and... I've never seen anything like it.
Blockhead: And you never will again. Twenty-first century genetic engineering will not only eradicate the siamese twins and the alligator-skinned people, but you're going to be hard-pressed to find, uh, a slight overbite or a not-so-high cheek bone. You see, I've seen the future and the future looks just like him. (Points at Mulder in a Captain Morgan Pose) Imagine going through your whole life looking like that. That's why it's left up to the self-made freaks like me and the Conundrum to remind people.
Scully: Remind people of what?
Blockhead: Nature abhors normality. It can't go very long without creating a mutant. Do you know why?
Scully: No, why?
Blockhead: I don't either, it's a mystery. Maybe some mysteries are never meant to be solved.
Mulder: What's the matter with your friend?
Blockhead: I don't know what his problem is. Maybe it's the Florida heat.
Scully: Hope it's nothing serious.
Conundrum: (only line in episode) Probably something I ate.
- Best part? The last time they saw the Monster of the Week, it was coming after Conundrum. Burp! It also implies the answer to Blockhead's question; as long as there are some humans that are weirder than the monsters, humanity will never lose to them.
- From "3"John, the Son: Dont you want to live forever?Mulder: Well, not if drawstring pants come back into style.
Dr. Browning: (in response to something Mulder's said) You are really upsetting me... on several levels.
- Later in the same episode
- "D.P.O"Scully: So, we're supposed to arrest him for "assaulting a cellular phone"?
- "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose": The whole episode is absolutely hilarious, while also being a Tear Jerker and Nightmare Fuel. Quite an achievement, really. Concrete funny moments:
- The fake psychic's performance, including kicking Mulder out of the room for his skepticism. Unfortunately, despite Mulder and Scully giving some pretty solid evidence to suggest Yappi is a quack, the local law enforcement believe him:Detective: Look, all I know is that so far, Yappi has provided more solid, concrete leads on this case than you have. Now, if you don't mind, I have to get an A.P.B. out on a white male, age seventeen to thirty-four, with or without a beard, maybe a tattoo... who's impotent. Let's go.
- This exchange, when Mr Bruckman out-deadpans and out-snarks even Mulder:Clyde Bruckman: You know, there are worse ways to go, but I can't think of a more undignified way than autoerotic asphyxiation.
Mulder: Why are you telling me that?
Clyde Bruckman: Look, forget I mentioned it. It's none of my business.
- Doubles as a reference to "Auto Erotica" the title of a softcore adult movie that David Duchovny starred in at the beginning of his career.
- Bruckman's obsession with figuring out what kind of pie he sees Mulder stepping in before the killer gets him.
- There's a Call-Back to "Beyond the Sea" when Mulder tests Mr. Bruckman's psychic abilities.Clyde Bruckman: (holding a piece of fabric) I got it! This is yours. This is from your New York Knicks t-shirt!
- The fake psychic's performance, including kicking Mulder out of the room for his skepticism. Unfortunately, despite Mulder and Scully giving some pretty solid evidence to suggest Yappi is a quack, the local law enforcement believe him:
- From "The List":Mulder: Ok, but imagine if it was true, Scully. Imagine if you can come back [from the dead] and take out five people, who caused you to suffer. Who whould they be?Scully: I only get five?Mulder: I remembered your birthday this year, didn't I, Scully?
- Mulder pouting to Scully in "Revelations" when she and Mulder are watching a young boy who is being hunted for displaying stigmata:Mulder: You never draw my bath.
- "The War of Coprophages":
- Mulder getting turned on over the phone by discussing alien life: "Scully... what are you wearing?"
- "... The entomologist's name is 'Bambi'?" Scully is amused.
- "You two look pooped." The local law enforcement guy is not very subtle in his jokes.
- Mulder explaining to Scully how he hates bugs:Mulder: I had a praying mantis epiphany and, as a result, I screamed. No, not... not a girly scream, but the scream of someone being confronted by some before unknown monster that had no right existing on the same planet I inhabited. Did you ever notice how a praying mantis' head resembles an alien's head? I mean, the mysteries of the natural world were revealed to me that day, but instead of being astounded, I was... repulsed.
Scully: Mulder... are you sure it wasn't a girly scream?
- Mulder picks on Scully after they both have been covered by manure:Mulder: Scully, I never thought I'd say this, but you smell bad.
- He sure smelled of roses or something.
- The phone conversations between Mulder and Scully are all funny, but the Queequeg one is BY FAR the best.
- Scully arriving to the town in amidst of a mass hysteria. After somewhat angrily telling the customers in a grocery store to calm down, an argument leads to all the customers (minus Scully) fleeing the place out of fear.
- Out-of-character, just picturing the show's makers snickering over the little "prank" they played on the audience by making it look like a real cockroach was running across the TV screen is pretty amusing. Oh, to be a roach on the wall when that idea was first floated!
- The episode title is pretty funny if you know what "coprophage" means. Also counts as Getting Crap Past the Radar (something to do with crap, anyway.)
- "Syzygy" is full of funny moments.
- This one in particular is a gem:Scully: Why do you always have to drive? Because you're the guy? Because you're the big macho man?
Mulder: No, I just wasn't sure your little feet could reach the pedals.
- When she finally gets to drive... She has to pull the seat forward for reaching the pedals. (A Fandom Nod to a common bit of fan pedantry.)
- "Sure. Fine. Whatever."
- This one in particular is a gem:
- "Piper Maru": After Scully immediately identifies the model of the plane whose underwater wreckage they're looking at, Mulder responds: "I just got very turned on."
- This classic exchange from "Pusher":Mulder: He put the whammy on him!
Scully: Please explain to me the scientific nature of "the whammy".
- "Teso Dos Bichos": Scully investigates the engine of a car and discovers a half-decayed rodent. She promptly puts it into an evidence bag held open by another investigator.Scully: Label that.
Investigator: As what?
Scully (plainly): "Partial rat body part."
- "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space.'"
Scully: (on the phone with Manners, to Mulder) He says he's found your bleeping dead alien.
- Jesse Ventura and Alex Trebek as Men in Black.
- And Lord Kinbote.
- The look on Mulder's face when he reads out the name seals it.
- Detective Bleepin' Manners, full stop.
- "Hey, I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage."
- And Mulder's "girly scream" upon seeing the alien body, still with a deadpan expression.
- "The proper authorities showed up with a couple of men in black. One of them was disguised as a woman, but wasn't pulling it off. Like, her hair was red... but it was a little too red, you know. And the other one, the tall lanky one, his face was so blank and expressionless. I think he was a mandroid."
- "I don't know which was more disturbing, his description of the inner core reincarnated souls sex orgy... or the fact that the whole thing was written in screenplay format."
- The goofy UFO conspiracy theorist giving a somber, existentialist speech about what the future holds, concluding with a casual, offhand warning about "the lava men."
- Most of "Quagmire" is a funny episode. Though the Queequeg in the car moment and the scenes with the locals stand out especially.
- Their boat having sunk during a late night search for Big Blue, Mulder and Scully find themselves stranded on a rock in the middle of the lake. Suddenly, they hear something slowly approaching in the mist, and draw their guns... It turns out to be a duck. It's really just a standard Cat Scare, but the duck's quacks cutting through the tension makes it funnier, and then there's Mulder's deadpan quip "I'm still tempted to fire".
- "Home" was a incredibly dark episode overall, but there was one hilarious scene scene that stood out:Mulder: Isn't there some way to get these pigs moving?
Scully: Bah, ram, ewe. Bah, ram, ewe. I babysat my nephew this weekend. We watched Babe fifteen times a day.
Mulder: And people call me Spooky...
Scully: Meanwhile, I've quit the FBI and have become a spokesperson for the ab-roller.
- Also Scully's Not Listening to Me, Are You? moment:
Sheriff: And this is my deputy, Barney.
- Mulder's delight over the town being like Mayberry with a sheriff named Andy Taylor. As they walk through the police station, the sheriff introduces them to his deputy:
Deputy (exasperated): Pastor!
Mulder: Oh no!
- Mulder's frowny face when he found a newspaper that says Elvis died at 42.
Scully: The way I think it goes here is that Edmund is the brother and the father of the other two.
- When Mulder and Scully discover that Edmund Peacock is also the father of his two brothers, Mulder makes a pretty amusing snark.
Mulder: Which means that when Edmund was a kid, he could ground the other two for playing with his things?
- The Cigarette-Smoking Man's Forrest Gump speech from "Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man".Cigarette-Smoking Man: "Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast and the taste is... fleeting. So, you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers."
- CSM is revealed to be the reason the Bills keep losing the Super Bowl.
- Despite being a fairly serious episode and casting Mulder as somewhat of an insensitive jerk, "Never Again" did have some pretty funny one-liners from Mulder:Mulder: (Scully wants a desk, Mulder is trying to figure out how to fit it in their tiny office) We'll put 'em really close together, face to face... maybe we could play some BATTLESHIP!Mulder (teasing Scully about her new tattoo): I was thinking of having an NY tattooed on my ass to commemorate the Yankees' World Series victory.
- "Small Potatoes" is full of hilarious moments:
- Eddie Van Blundht-as-Mulder, checking out Mulder's office and apartment.
- Scully talking about how great it is that the bizarre corpse they found is "preserved and intact"... just as Mulder, unseen by her, breaks the tail off it. The Oh, Crap! look on his face is priceless.
- Eddie Van Blundht Sr. asking if they want to see his tail. Mulder looks excited while Scully cannot say quickly enough, "No! No, thank you."
- Amanda's dead-serious description of the father of her daughter: "His name's Luke Skywalker. He's what they call a Jedi Knight."Scully: Did he have a lightsaber?
- Scully guesses Mulder's theory and he's impressed: "Should we be picking out china patterns or what?"
- Blink-and-you'll-miss-it example: Eddie van Blundht's pet peeve? People misspelling his name, forgetting the silent H all the time. When Mulder and Scully come to his house, there are letters on the wall that read VAN BLUNDHT. As Mulder walks past it, the H falls off.
- When Eddie tries to escape from Mulder, Mulder makes a "Is this guy for real?" face before getting to the chase and quickly catching up to him.
- Scully's face when shrugging in response to one of Mulder's questions early in the episode. Its look is fairly hilarious on its own, but coming from Scully, it's priceless.
- In "Sanguinarium", Mulder and Scully find five circular scorch marks on the floor. The former proceeds to draw lines connecting them to reveal that they form a pentagram, prompting the following exchange:Mulder: ...in the shape of a pentagram.Scully: Mulder, if you want to connect the dots here, you should look at the facts.
- "The Unusual Suspects", the episode that provides an answer for how Mulder got involved with the Lone Gunmen (and how the Lone Gunmen formed), is full of hilarious moments. From Detective Munch being the one to interrogate the group to Byers originally working for the FCC to Frohike and Langly competing against each other to sell devices to steal cable.Frohike (to Langly): Me and the narc (Byers) have a proposition for you.
Langly: What proposition?
Frohike: The coolest hack in the world.
Langly: Say it. Say it.
Frohike (grudgingly): Your kung fu is the best.
- From "Detour":
Stonecypher: Did you play the game where you couldn't use any negative words?
- Mulder threatens Scully:Scully: I must remind you, this goes against the bureau's policy of male and female agents staying in the same motel room while on assignment.
Mulder: Try any of that Tailhook crap on me, Scully, and I'll kick your ass.
- When Mulder encourages Scully to "sing something to keep yourself awake," and she first panics a little because she "can't sing", but after Mulder eggs her on, finally she shyly begins: "... Jeremiah was a bullfrog..."
- And you can see the Flat "What" in Mulder's eyes.
- The sleeping bag exchange:Scully: Mulder, you need to keep warm. Your bodys still in shock.
Mulder: I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat was to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with some body else whos already naked.
Scully: Well, maybe if it rains sleeping bags, youll get lucky.
- Mulder and Scully first stumble on to the crime scene while carpooling to a team-building seminar. Unlike the agents they have to share a car with, Mulder and Scully are less than enthused about the day's activities:
Kinsley: I couldn't believe how hard it was not to use the word "but!
Mulder: I'm having that same problem right now!
Stonecypher: Have you ever been to a team seminar, Agent Mulder?
Mulder: No, you know unfortunately around this time of year I always develop a severe hemorrhoidal condition....
- Mulder threatens Scully:
- "Post-modern Prometheus" is a gem of an episode:
Mulder: Scully, do you think its too soon to get my own 1-900 number?
- The scene after the teaser. Mulder is driving and Scully has just finished reading a letter from Mrs. Berkowitz which suggests that Mulder has become America's go-to guy for people who have encountered the paranormal.
(Scully just rolls her eyes)
- Mulder goes into the diner and everyone stares and smiles at him. He finds it a little strange. He looks humble but he also seems to enjoy the attention. Absolutely hilarious scene, accompanied by the episode's amazing score. This is later mirrored by an equally funny scene when Mulder enters the diner, smiles at the folks... and everybody is positively hostile towards him. The same great music keeps playing.
Mulder: (looking at Bobbys poster) "Ich bin ein Auslander." "I am an outsider." You know, when Kennedy told the Germans "Ich bin ein Berliner", he was actually saying "I am a cocktail sausage".
- Mulder climbs a tree and shouts: "Hey, Scully, is this demonstration of boyish agility turning you on at all?"
- One scene is very funny on two levels. It involves Mulder and Bobby the troubled teenager. When Bobby asks who is Kennedy, Mulder doesn't respond to that. Not a single snark, just a confused "Am I getting old?" expression passes his face. So either some American kids are really this uneducated, or more likely, our dear Deadpan Snarker just got trolled.
Bobby: Whos Kennedy?
- A lot of entertaining stuff is going on in "Chinga" (i.e. the phone calls between Mulder and Scully) but the final scene in the office is really one crowning Funny Moment. Mulder is obviously bored without Scully and plays with his pencils, carefully sharpening them, making a nice row of them and also throwing and sticking them into the ceiling. When Scully walks in the office, he is very charming in his attempts to hide it from her. She by the way pretends that she is rested after weekend off, spent with some guy Jack. When the pencils start falling down and hitting Mulder, it gets hysterical. In addition, the truth is that they both need each other and the mystery of the X-files, which adds the layer of heart-warming.Mulder: (after being hit with a pencil) Theres got to be an explanation.
Scully: Oh, I dont know. I think some things are better left unexplained.
Mulder: Maybe you don't know what you're looking for.
- Scully's moment and Mulder's reaction are also pretty hilarious:
Scully: Like evidence of conjury or the black arts or shamanism, divination, Wicca or any kind of pagan or neo-pagan practice. Charms, cards, familiars, bloodstones, or hex signs or any of the ritual tableaux associated with the occult, Santeria, Voudoun, Macumba, or any high or low magic?
Mulder: (in awe) Scully?
Mulder: Marry me.
Scully: (unimpressed) I was hoping for something a little more helpful.
- "Kill Switch" has its moments. Just the fact that the CD-ROM that holds the kill switch to terminate the sentient computer system plays "Twilight Time" by the Platters is one of them.Scully (to Mulder, who has taken a laptop from the crime scene): Mulder, that's evidence!
Mulder: Gee, I hope so.
Frohike: She is so hot.
- The extremely deadpan snarking Invisigoth/Esther, who fascinates the Lone Gunmen on more than one level.
Esther: Are you going to take off the cuffs, or do I have to do this with my tongue?
Mulder (moving to remove the handcuffs): You don't want to take a vote.
- Mulder's hallucination while being held hostage by the AI involves sexy nurses, but it quickly goes horribly wrong. Who "saves" him? Scully, naturally, who busts through the door and starts kicking blonde bimbo butt.
- Most of "Bad Blood".
Skinner:: The coroner's throat's been bitten.
- Mulder seeing the fake vampire teeth: "Oh sh—" Cue title sequence!
- Scully recounting a drugged-out Mulder singing the theme to Shaft.Mulder: I did not!
- A drugged-out Mulder is about to become a snack for Ronnie Strickland, when he buys himself some time by hurling a bag of sunflower seeds across the room.Ronnie: Aww, man. Why'd you do that? You are in big trouble!
- Mulder's attempts to fend off a group of vampires with a cross... made from a pair of breadsticks.
- A flying squirrel jump:Scully: You're saying that I actually hit him two times?
Mulder: Square in the chest. No effect.
Scully: And then he sort of flew at me like a flying squirrel?
Mulder: Well, I don't think I'll use the phrase "flying squirrel" when I talk to Skinner, but... yeah, that's what happened.
- The (un)lucky coroner:
Mulder: The coroner's dead?
Skinner: No, his throat was bitten. Sort of... gnawed on.
Scully: But... he was dead.
- Scully is a bit surprised by this development.
Mulder: [Quietly smug] I noticed that.
Scully: With a stake through his heart.
Mulder: [Exact same tone] I noticed that too.
- While comparing stories, Mulder makes a point of mentioning the sheriff had "big buckteeth", which Scully of course contradicts. When they return to the little town and we find out the sheriff doesn't actually have buckteeth, Scully just looks at Mulder and taps her front teeth with her finger. When he called on this by Scully, Mulder sheepishly retorts that the sheriff "had a slight overbite". When we meet the sheriff again he does, in fact, have a slight overbite. Scully's memory wasn't entirely accurate either, it seems...
- After being pestered all morning to admit to Skinner that he was drugged, and refusing adamantly to do so, the very first thing Mulder does upon seeing Skinner leave his office is jump up and blurt out "I was drugged!"
- Scully: "Having completed the autopsy I checked into the Davey Crockett Motor Court." Mulder: "The name of it was actually the Sam Houston Motor Lodge." And the name of the place on screen is re-typed...
- Luke Wilson was absolutely hilarious in his role of the vampire Sheriff Lucius Hartwell. Especially from Mulder's point of view. Scully's has its own merit too, though.
- At the beginning, Mulder is trying — and failing — to write a report that satisfactorily explains this whole mess, and has been trying for several hours, judging by the crumpled up balls of paper surrounding his wastepaper basket. When his latest effort fails to go into the bin as well, Mulder gets up to apparently clean up the mess, only to suddenly explode and start kicking and stomping the shit of the bin instead. All the while Scully just watches incredulously.
- Scully "I'm in just as much trouble as you are! And I'm not even the one who overreacted! I didn't—" [Makes stabby stabby motions] "—with the thing!"
- From "The Pine Bluff Variant" as Mulder leaves to go undercover.Mulder: If you don't hear from me by midnight...(dramatic pause) feed my fish.
Mulder: Is this the Pepsi Challenge? How bout some, uh, fresh air, boys?
- Also Mulder, with a hood over his head:
Terrorist: (Takes hood off) Welcome, Agent Mulder... This is just a little method that we use to learn the truth.
Mulder: Well, you might want to put that hood back on me unless you want to see a grown man cry.
- From "Folie à Deux," After Mulder's pulled his gun on the bad guy of the week (who is actually some kind of bug creature that only he can see) and been restrained by Skinner, we next see him in restraints in the psychiatric ward of a hospital.Mulder: Five years together, Scully. You must have seen this coming.
- "The End," dramatic though it is, has its moments.
Fight the Future
- After Mulder exits a building with a large bomb:
- Scully: I saw your face, Mulder. There was a definite moment of panic.
Mulder: You've never seen me panic. When I panic, I make this face. (remains entirely deadpan)
Mulder: Remember that face I showed you, Scully? I'm making it again.
- Gets a Call-Back later when Mulder is face-to-face with a bomb, on the phone with Scully:
- "I had you big time." First time, funny. Second time, heartwarming.
- This exchange:Well Manicured Man: Get out of the car, Mr. Mulder.Mulder: Why? The upholstery's already ruined.
- Quite a bit of "Triangle", though special mention has to go to Kersh's past!doppelganger, and his insistence that the ship is GOING TO JAMAICA! Also Skinner's counterpart, The Mole among the Nazis.Skinner: (shoots the soldier pursuing Mulder and past!Scully) God bless America. Now get your asses out of here.
Scully: I want you to do me a favor. It's non-negotiable, either you do it or I kill you. Understood?
- Scully asking Spender for a favor:
Mulder: I was expecting a left.
- Mulder kissing Scully's doppleganger and his response to getting punched in return.
Mulder: Hey, Scully?
- Poor Mulder's Love Confession being dismissed because Scully thinks he's high on pain meds:
Mulder: I love you.
Scully: (beat) Oh, brother. (walks away)
- There are a lot of funny moments from the episode "Dreamland":
Fletcher: This guy hasn't been laid in ten years.
- Mulder just trying to be Morris Fletcher is pretty amusing.
- Fletcher goes to Mulder's apartment and opens up his bedroom, which Mulder never uses (he sleeps on the couch in his living room) and Mulder's Porn Stash comes tumbling out.
Mulder: Hey Grandma Top Gun, will you SHUT THE HELL UP?!
- Hearing a 80-year old Native American woman talking like a fighter jockey.
Lana Chee: (flicks her cigarette at Mulder) You're my bitch now, pencil neck!
Mulder: If I...shoot him, is that murder or suicide?Scully: Neither if I do it first.
- Mulder trying to convince Scully the random Man in Black is really him:Mulder: Look, your full name is Dana Katherine Scully. Your badge number is... hell, I don't know your badge number. Your mother's name is Margaret, your brother's name is Bill. He's in the Navy and he hates me. Lately you've been having for lunch, I dunno, this six ounce cup of yogurt, plain yogurt into which you stir some bee pollen because you're on some kind of bee pollen kick, even though I tell you you're a scientist and you really should know better.
Scully: That information could've been gathered by anybody.
Mulder: Even that yogurt thing?... That's so you. That's so Scully. The fact that you haven't changed is still somewhat comforting.
- We have Scully's comment after she's finally caught wise to the MIB and Mulder having switched bodies. After having put up with Faux Mulder calling her "baby" a lot and trying to hit on her, she finally agrees to come to "Mulder's" apartment and plays along — only long enough to get a chance to handcuff him to the bed, pull a gun on him, and then growl, "'Baby' me one more time and you'll be PEEING THROUGH A CATHETER."
- "Terms of Endearment": "Scully, this is a classic case of demon fetal harvest!"
- "The Rain King":
Holman: I've been envious of men like you my whole life. Based on your physical bearing, I'd assumed you were... More experienced. I mean... You spend every day with agent Scully, a beautiful, enchanting woman. And you two never, uh...? (Mulder shakes his head) I... confess I find that shocking. I... I've seen how you two gaze at one another.
- The two are just swaying back and forth together. Couples as a heartwarming moment, considering what the rest of the episode is about.
- Even if you are not too great a fan of this episode, this phone conversation is pure gold:Mulder: Yeah... he wants advice. Dating advice.
Scully: Dating advice? From whom?
Mulder: Yours truly. — Hello? Hey, Scully. Scully, you there?
Scully: I heard you. Mulder, when was the last time you went on a date?
Mulder: I will talk to you later. (he hangs up)
Scully: (to herself) The blind leading the blind.
- And the later conversation between Mulder and Holman:
Mulder: (long pause) This is about you, Holman. I'm here to help you. I'm perfectly happy with my friendship with Agent Scully.
Holman: So according to your theory I walk in there, tell her I love her and the drought will end?
Mulder: Just tell her how you feel. And Holman? I do not gaze at Scully.
Mulder (to Scully): I'll build the ark, you gather the animals.
- Shiela is overwhelmed by Holman's confession of love and as a result, the weather starts to go haywire. After a particularly loud thunderclap:
Scully: ''(rushes off after Shiela)
Mulder: I was kidding!
- From "Tithonus": Scully is assigned to work on a case with another agent in New York. Naturally, Mulder is bored and a bit envious. He spies on their investigation and at one point, he calls Scully on her cell, disguising his voice as some nerdy type, as if he was calling to arrange a school re-union: "Hi. My name is Fox Mulder. We used to sit next to each other at the FBI." Very cute, very funny. Even Scully is amused.
- "Agua Mala" makes a running gag of the phrase "All the nuts roll downhill to Florida."
Scully: (takes off her coat rather suggestively) You ready?
- Mulder and Scully go undercover as a newlywed couple. When they are finally left alone, following exchange takes place:
Mulder: Let's get it on, honey.
Scully: Alright then. (hands him a rubber... glove to lift forensic evidence with)
Mulder: Admit it, all you want to do is play house. Woman! Get in here and make me a sandwich!
- Mulder teasing Scully with Stay in the Kitchen:
Scully: (throws glove at him)
Mulder: Did I not make myself clear?
Gordy: So, how was your first night? Peaceful?
- Mulder taps on the bed and invites Scully to join him with: "Come on, 'Laura', you know... We're married now."
- Despite what he says above, Mulder is the one who really loves being an obnoxious suburbanite and pretending they're a couple. As a result, Scully has an "I'm so going to kill you when we get back to DC" look on her face for the whole episode.
Mulder: It was wonderful. We just spooned up and fell asleep like little baby cats. Isn't that right, honeybunch?
Scully: That's right, poopy-head.
- The autopsy of the bisected warden:Scully: Should we arrest David Copperfield?
Mulder: Yes, we should. But not for this.
- Mulder enjoys Scully behaving more like himself:Scully: Spontaneous human combustion.
Mulder: (nearly breathless in disbelief, as if he was complimented in the sweetest way ever) Scully!
Scully: Well, isn't that where you're going with this?
Mulder: Dear Diary, today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion.
Scully: Mulder, there are one or two somewhat well-documented cases.
(Mulder says nothing but he keeps nodding thoughtfully)
Scully: Mulder, shut up.
(Mulder gives Scully a somewhat confused look)
- The autopsy of the bisected warden:
- "The Unnatural" has some gems, contrasting with the very serious and tear-jerking moments.
Mulder: It's not a bad piece of ash, huh?
- The very flirty opening scene between Mulder and Scully that ends with a flurry of cliches and Mulder stealing Scully's non-fat toffuti rice dreamsicle.
- Mulder going to Arthur Dales' apartment and finding a different Arthur Dales than he expected. This Dales tells him he's the other Arthur Dales's brother. Their parents weren't very creative in naming their children. They also had a sister and a fish named Arthur.
- Arthur Dales finding out Exley is an alien and fainting multiple times.
- Mulder teaching Scully to play baseball doubles as a Heartwarming Moment.
Scully: ''(gives him a look)
Mulder: The bat. Talking about the bat.
- From "Three of a Kind":
- Drugged Scully, poor woman, but she was hilarious, and even drugged she was nice to people.Langley: Did you figure out how he died?
Scully: My medical opinion? Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep *splat*.
- Drugged Scully, poor woman, but she was hilarious, and even drugged she was nice to people.
- In "Field Trip", Scully hallucinates attending Mulder's wake alongside The Lone Gunmen - it's otherwise a serious scene, but has a small, amusing gag playing off Langly's trademark rock band t-shirts: The other two are properly dressed for a wake, but Langly is clad in a suit coat, dress pants, and a novelty t-shirt with a tuxedo design. Since it's all in her mind, apparently Scully can't even imagine Langly wearing something other than a t-shirt.
- Mulder trying to fix leaking pipes in "The Goldberg Variation." Not only does he make it worse, the floor gives way beneath him, leaving him a floor down and soaked.Scully (amused): You okay, Mulder?
Mulder (slightly embarrassed): Yeah, it's alright. My ass broke my fall.
- Better yet is Mulder's summation of how a dead hitman ended up hanging from a ceiling fan by his shoelace.Mulder: I'm thinking it was a heart attack.
Scully: What the hell happened here, Mulder?
Mulder: Cause... and effect.
Mulder: Okay, so... watch. [stands in front of doorframe, matching actions to words] So Bellini kicks down the door whaa gaa! poised to kill Weems, right? And just as he's about to pull the trigger a noise startles him... the buzzer when I buzzed to be let back in the apartment. So when he does pull the trigger, his aim is off, right? And he hits the lamp, which falls over and knocks over the ironing board, so as the bullet ricochets Weems dives over the sofa. Now, when Bellini goes for him he trips over the ironing board, bounces off the chair, flips end over end and his shoelace gets caught in the fan QED. [Scully laughs. The shoelace suddenly breaks and the body falls to the floor]
- From "Signs & Wonders":Scully: Snake handling. I didn't learn that in catechism class.
Mulder: That's funny. I knew a couple of Catholic schoolgirls who were expert at it.
- The entirety of "X-Cops." All of it.
- As cringeworthy as "First Person Shooter" was, everyone admits the part at the end where Scully puts on futuristic battle armor and goes into the game to save Mulder is solid gold.Byers: Scully's on fire!
Langley: The blood thirst is unquenchable!
- From "En Ami": After Scully disappears with CSM, Mulder tries to find her. It leads him to question her landlord as he asks to unlock the apartment. The landlord has nothing but good things to say about Scully, including:Landlord: Tenants like having an FBI agent in the building. Gives them a sense of security.
Mulder: Do you know how many people have died in there?
Landlord: Oh, we don't really talk about that.
- From "Chimera": After Mulder heads off to the mystery of the week alone and leaves Scully stuck on their stakeout, she gives him a cell phone message:"Mulder, when you find me dead, my desiccated corpse propped up staring lifelessly through the telescope at drunken frat boys peeing and vomiting into the gutter, just know that my last thoughts were of you... and how I'd like to kill you."
- "Hollywood A.D."
Scully: How many...
- Scully goes to Mulder's apartment to find him watching "Plan 9 from Outer Space." He claims it helps him think.
Scully: You've seen this movie 42 times?
Scully: Doesn't that make you sad? That makes me sad.
- The bubble bath scene:Mulder: So, what are you up to right now, sir?
Skinner: I'm takin' a bubble bath.
Mulder: Uh, uh... hold on just one second, sir. (Switches to the other line) Hey Scully, Skin-Man is calling me from a BUBBLE BATH!
Skinner: It's still me, Mulder.
- Their expressions when they're watching the movie based on them are just priceless◊, especially Scully's.
- You can't see it in the screenshot, but the actors playing Mulder and Scully are making out inside a coffin while they're under fire from sniper zombies.
- Nobody seems to be bothered that an ancient relic has lyrics to The Beatles' "I am the Walrus". Oh, and apparently since the ancient Hebrews don't have a word for walrus, it's referred to as "bearded sea-cow".
- Leoni (the actress portraying Scully) asks the real Scully to show her how to run in heels. Later, while Mulder and Shandling are talking in the foreground, Scully can be seen running back and forth across the sound stage, while Leoni observes.
- In "Fight Club", Mulder being sucked by a manhole, complete with "Oh, Crap!".
- In "Je Souhaite"...Anson Stokes: I wish that I could turn invisible... at will.
Genie: You're kidding.
Anson Stokes: No, no. This is perfect. Yeah, I could have an advantage that nobody else on earth can have. I can, um, you know, spy and learn secret information, pick up stock tips.
Genie: Sneak into a women's locker room.
Anson Stokes: Not just that, okay?
Anson Stokes: I can't feel my heart. I can't feel my blood. I am YELLOW!
- "The Amazing Maleeni": Magician Hat Scully. Just... Magician Hat Scully.◊
- One really wonders how the actors managed to keep straight faces during an exchange in the episode "Per Manum", when Scully is talking to Mulder about sperm donation:Mulder: At that part, I'm a pro.
- From "Three Words" when the Lone Gunmen finally see Mulder after he comes back from the dead.Frohike: You know, it's really not fair. You've been dead for six months and you still look better than me. But not by much. '(They hug tightly, Mulder laughs softly)Mulder: Melvin. I'd be a whole lot happier to see you if you'd just take your hands off my ass.Frohike: (Embarrassed, he lets go) Sorry.
- From "Empedocles." Mulder shows up at Scully's apartment and is slightly miffed that she was expecting someone else.Scully (exasperated): Mulder!
Mulder (startled): What?
Scully: I was just about to get in the shower, but I was waiting for the pizza man.
Mulder: You got something going on with the pizza man I should know about?
Scully (confused): The pizza man?
Mulder: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you just said you were waiting for the pizza man to jump in the shower.
Scully: No, what I meant was, the pizza man's usually late, and so...
Mulder: (squints suspiciously)
Scully: Do you want to come in?
Mulder: Thank you.
Scully: Is that for me?
- A few minutes later, after Mulder has non-subtly drawn her attention to a present he's hidden behind her sofa pillows.
Scully (deadpan): Nice package.
Mulder (bemused): Thank you.
- That scene is doubly funny because it's the first time in the series Scully has ever thrown an innuendo at him unprompted—usually it's Mulder with the suggestive comments.
Mulder (answering the door): Little Caesar, I presume? ''(Turns to squint suspiciously at Scully)
- When the pizza man does arrive:
Scully: Hi. Just give it to the man with the funny look on his face.
- At the end of "Alone," Leyla Harrison asks a question that the fandom wondered for years: how exactly did Mulder and Scully get back home from Antarctica in Fight the Future? That answer? We never hear it, because Mulder and Scully are too busy bickering over what actually happened.
Mulder: Hey. Ready to roll?
- There's a little one from Agent Doggett in this episode, too. Mulder and Scully come to the hospital to see Agent Harrison and they run into Doggett, who panics for a moment and automatically jumps to the conclusion that Scully has gone into labor.
- Earlier in the episode, Scully and Mulder get ready to attend Lamaze.
Scully: Yeah, let me just get my keys.
Mulder: Hey, don't forget this. (holds up a pillow) Relax the back, breathe in, breathe out.
Scully: How do you know all these things, Mulder?
Mulder: I'm unemployed. I've got a lot of time on my hands.(beat) Oprah, I watch a lot of Oprah.
Harrison: Agent Doggett, what happened?
- At a point when Doggett and Harrison are trapped in the underground tunnel, they notice an opening in the roof. Doggett climbs up, and as he's reaching the top, he runs into Dr. Stites, who steps on his fingers, making him fall down. Then this exchange ensues:
Doggett: I lost my grip... with a little help from the man upstairs.
- Monica Reyes trying to emulate whale songs in "Existence" to put Scully in a relaxing mood for giving birth. The look on Scully's face is priceless.
Mulder: What are you going to call him?
- The final scene of the episode, while Mulder and Scully are admiring the baby.
Scully: William, after your father. (Mulder is touched. They share an intimate look)
Mulder: I don't know. He's got your coloring and your eyes. But he looks suspiciously like Assistant Director Skinner. (Both Skinner and William are bald.)
- Who can forget Rocky the Entomologist from "Lord of the Flies" and his vaguely disturbing pick-up lines? Poor Scully. This starts with a comment (from Rocky) about pheromones, and we end here:Rocky: "Women's dormitory syndrome." It's believed that pheromones are the reason that women who live together share the same menstrual cycle.
Rocky: You know, when a male and female calliphorid fly mate they stay joined for up to one and a half hours. One and a half, doctor.
Scully: You know, Rocky ... I'm a mother.
Rocky: Mothers are women, too.
Rocky: Dr. Scully? This is so exciting. I've never had a partner before.
- And this:
Scully: I have.
Rocky: I'd like to think of it as a hymenopteran relationship. Two scientists using their special knowledge reaching higher than either of them could ever reach alone. And if I may say so, doctor, you complete me.
Scully (annoyed): I got upstairs, you take down.
- Various moments in "Scary Monsters", but a particular highlight was the scene after Doggett had driven everyone all the way to Pennsylvania for hours, and they were stuck in the suspect's house after their car broke down. Harrison brings up one of Mulder and Scully's past cases, prompting this exchange:Reyes: I don't think that's what we're dealing with here, Leyla.Harrison: Agent Mulder wasted no time closing that case. I just try to think like him. What would Agents Mulder and Scully do if they were in this situation?Doggett: Agents Mulder and Scully aren't in this situation. Agents Doggett and Reyes are. I don't know about Agent Reyes, but Agent Doggett's going to sit his tired ass down. (sinks into couch)
- "Founder's Mutation": Mulder and Scully try to interview Jackie Goldman in the cafeteria of a mental hospital. After sitting silently for ten minutes (in-universe anyway), the first thing that rouses her to action is a cat walking into the room. She throws the apple from her tray to scare it away.Mulder: You don't like cats?
- Earlier, when he went to interview Gupta, the latter took him to the kitchen's closet and nearly gave him a blowjob. Gupta even went on a rant about embracing his inner gay man.
- "Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster" is non-stop hysterically funny from start to finish. Rhys Darby even revealed in an interview that, unlike how he normally improvs a lot of his dialogue to give it a looser, sillier feel, he stuck to the script 100% during filming — not only out of respect for Darin Morgan's wishes, but because he admitted nothing he could think of was better than what Morgan had written.
Scully: Mulder, the internet is not good for you.
- Scully keeps calling the monster a "six foot horny toad".
- Scully's comment when Mulder is looking up information on his smartphone:
Scully: Yeah, this is how I like my Mulder.
- Mulder engages in a classic Mulder-Scully debate regarding his possible explanations for a shape changing monster and Scully's skeptical arguments against...by himself. Scully simply watches bemused and sometimes trying (and failing) to get a word in edgewise. By the end she's nearly grinning watching the whole thing.
Scully: I wanna make you say cheese.◊
- Mulder's expression given Guy's rather sad attempt at suicide-by-cop.
- Mulder's range of reactions when Guy is explaining he's not a werelizard because he was a man bitten by a lizard-monster, he's a werehuman because he's a lizard-monster bitten by a human.
- Guy's story about Scully seducing him and having wild sex in the back room.
Mulder: Stop. That. Did. Not. Happen.
- Mulder's not amused reaction:
Mulder: (whispering) But first we're going to check out.
- Scully cheerfully reminding Mulder that according to Clyde Bruckman she's immortal.
- When the real serial killer is hauled off, he's upset no one wants to hear his prepared Motive Rant.
- Mulder's complete inability to figure out his phone's camera app. Special mention has to go to the scene where he and the animal control guy chasing the "monster", while the flash keeps blinking all the while. The animal control man pauses long enough to say, "Are you taking a picture, or a video?" Mulder says he has no idea.
- When Mulder shows Scully the video of the monster's attack on him, he had it on the wrong lens so all it shows is a close up of his screaming face.
- The mounted jackalope head. It probably takes a minute for most viewers to realize what it was.
- After Mulder announces to Scully his rediscovered belief in the paranormal, he rededicates himself to uncovering the truth. And then remembers they're in a motel with a hidden corridor and peep-holes to spy on guests.
- Guy's outrage that Mulder doesn't believe in jackalopes, given that Guy's friend George was gored to death by one.
- That there was a lizard-monster named George.
- Mulder's conversation with the psychiatrist, culminating which the latter deciding that it's Mulder himself who needs a prescription for an antipsychotic more than a man who believes himself to be a werelizard.
- At first we were led to believe that the were-lizard is dangerous. We find out that he's pretty wimpy and screams like a little girl. And he loves puppies.
- Scully's line: "Mulder, the internet is not good for you."
- Meta-example: "Home Again" is set in Philadelphia and features a character known as The Trashman. Giving it something in common with another FOX show.
- When told they have "experience of spooky cases", Mulder and Scully both snicker under their breath and give an identical raised-eyebrow.
- Mulder slagging off on the Philadelphia 76ers is pretty funny, even if it is at a gruesome murder scene.
- Mulder's drug trip in "Babylon" is one of the funniest moments of the new series, right down to the very concept of Mulder trying to talk to a comatose terrorist by taking magic mushrooms.
- Mulder stumbling out of the hospital, flashing thumbs-up at passing doctors and nurses.
- The nightclub sequence, which sees him dancing along to various country songs, doing a back flip, and spotting glimpses of the Lone Gunmen. And apparently he actually was in a nightclub and left a bunch of "frightened Texans" in his wake.
- Skinner is also there, dressed as a cowboy and doing a little dance.
- Mulder's ornate brass knuckles during the same scene have "MUSH" and "ROOM" on them.
- The segment with Agent Einstein as a dominatrix.
- The Cigarette-Smoking Man randomly whipping Mulder aboard a boat filled with hooded men singing Tom Waits' "Misery is the River of the World."
- Absolute best part? Mulder was slipped a placebo - his would-be partner-in-crime decided not to give the kook a powerful hallucinogen. Mulder put himself through all of that all on his own!
- Going over Langley's old files, Mulder and Scully see a small icon of Scully's face on a folder marked "Spank Bang V 3." Scully's face is clear on she's not sure what's worse: Her face being there or there are two more volumes.
- "The Lost Art of Forehead Sweat" is packed with too much funny to count.
Scully: Maybe you're thinking of The Outer Limits (1963).Mulder: Mix up The Twilight Zone and The Outer Limits? Do you know me?!
- Mulder's idea of "time off" being dressing up in a Bigfoot suit to hunt in the forest.
- And the fact he refers to this as "out Squatchin'"
- Mulder is frantically searching for an episode of The Twilight Zone (1959) that seems to have never existed.
Reggie: Guys, if this turns out to be killer cats, I'm going to be very disappointed.
- Mulder's flashback to seeing the episode for the first time in his childhood, featuring David Duchovny's face digitally placed on a child's body.
- The shot of Dr. They among the "hundreds of millions" at the Trump inauguration, clinging to the top of the Washington Monument with a "MAGA" cap on.
- Scully openly saying "what the hell was that?!" to various bits and can't believe she's wasting a day on this.
- The ridiculously cheesy alien who looks like he stepped out a 1950s TV show.
- The way Reggie "remembers" being with the team, dismissing Scully on her first day as "no women allowed" and integrated in other episodes (such as mocking attacking cats).
- This includes the opening credits of a cheap hummed version of the theme, with the credit of "Reggie Something" and the shot of Reggie's badge with a signature that seems to actually be "Reggie Something".
- A pair of young FBI agents dismiss Mulder and Scully as over the hill and "now deep state." They walk off as Mulder yells "I'm Fox Mulder, punks!"
- The montage of Reggie's various jobs like the IRS (in an old-styled accountant outfit), the CIA (where he waterboards a convict right in the office) and the Pentagon (where he celebrates bombing a target but then groans "not again" when he realizes he just blew up a wedding.)
- Reggie totally nonchalant over being taken to the institution in a straightjacket, complete with a guy holding a huge net.
- As Reggie is being taken away, Mulder and Scully watch him go, a bit sad at the man's delusions he was part of their team. At which point, Skinner walks by and demands to know "where are they taking Reggie?" The looks on the duo's faces are priceless.
- The sight of the trio in a car with Scully driving and peeking up at the sky. Made even better by the incredibly obvious rear projection and Scully's exaggerated steering not matching the driving footage.
- An alien dramatically declares "greeting Earthlings!" as he comes down an escalator...slowly...and then steps at the bottom...and then takes a scooter to the trio...who are five feet away. The scooter even makes stock The Jetsons sound effects.
- The alien declaring that they are building "A wall" to keep Earthlings from infecting the rest of the universe. The alien practically quotes some things Donald Trump has said and speaks of Earthlings as if they were immigrants. And that's all we should say about that.
- The Running Gag in "Nothing Lasts Forever" of Mulder needing to slide glasses on to read something.