Funny / Queen of Blood (SirWill)

• In order to better understand her abilities, Taylor lets Amy analyze her body, and is understandably disturbed upon figuring out that she's one of The Undead. ...At least at first.
  [Amy] swallowed, then cleared her throat. "Y-yeah. I’ve seen some odd effects some powers have on people, but yours takes the cake. Yeesh, your power must have read some bad novels or something."
  I guess. Or something. I suddenly had a mental image of a pale man, sitting on a throne, leafing through a bad teen romance novel with one hand and gouging clawmarks into his throne with the other.
  I repressed a smile. If I ever had to get my revenge on Dracul, I knew how.
• Taylor's immensely relatable reaction upon figuring out that, thanks to a psychic imprint of Dracul existing in her mind, she's now bisexual. Made even funnier by how Taylor's entire realization consists of her going through a lengthy internal monologue with herself as she ruminates over how she was mistaken as a lesbian and invited by Victoria on a blind date with her, Dean, and Amy to serve as Amy's date.
  Taylor's Narration: Well, self, apparently you just said you don’t mind a same sex date. Which makes sense, because apparently, I don't. Apparently, self, you are open to dates from all comers with people you like. Which would have been nice to know before you found yourself on a date with someone.
  Let's see, think. Muscles and his aegis. I mean, uh, Aegis and his muscles.
  Like. Eye-candy goodness.
  Alright. Clockblocker?
  Like. Sense of humor. And it would be cathartic to smack him now and again. Gently, of course.
  Not too bad. Armsmaster?
  Nothing. Either he's too old or he's got too much armor on for me to think of him as a person. And he tended to clank a bit.
  Okay. Miss Militia?
  Like. I liked her as a person, she was gentle and caring, had badass credit and she filled out her fatigues nicely OH COME ON.
• Armsmaster losing both of his legs to one of Bakuda's glass bombs? Not funny at all. Him getting high on morphine so Panacea can heal him (and Dragon can make him some prosthetic limbs)? Immensely funny.
  Dragon: (to Miss Militia, Taylor, and a bedridden Armsmaster) How is Armsmaster?
  Armsmaster: (gives a cheery thumbs-up) On the bad part, I can't feel my legs. But I feel great! (turns to Taylor) You gotta try this stuff! (frowns in thought) ...Well, maybe when you're older.
• Victoria and Taylor meeting Alucard for the first time. Not only is it mentioned that Victoria's eyes glaze over while she's staring at Alucard's abs, but Victoria (who still somewhat believes that Castlevania is a mental construct of Taylor's) starts lightheartedly teasing a thoroughly embarrassed Taylor about her seemingly having an incest fetish when Alucard calls Taylor his "sister".
  Victoria: [while drooling] Abs.
  Alucard: [looks askance at first Victoria and then Taylor] While I am glad you're not controlling people, that is rather concerning.
  Victoria: [with a shit-eating grin] His abs have abs.
  Taylor's Narration: Yes, Vicky. I noticed. I noticed very well. Taylor Hebert here hasn't gone drooling idiot over them.
  Though they are nice. And....he called me sister.
  No. Nonononono. I do not have that kind of complex.
  ....Traitorous brain. File those images away for later when I'm not trying to get something done.
  • And as Alucard tries to further confirm to Victoria that he's not a parahuman construct of Taylor's:
    Alucard: [to Victoria] You believe I am some figment of imagination? I assure you, I am quite real.
    Victoria: [while jabbing a finger at him] That's exactly what a figment would say!
    Alucard: [stares at Victoria in confusion for a moment before turning to Taylor] ...Is your entire world like this?
    Taylor: [gives a helpless shrug] Mostly? Just her.
    Victoria: [indignant] Hey!
• Uber and Leet decide to do a livestream at the Brockton Bay Mall through creating a "live action" version of Dead Rising with Hard Light zombie holograms. The problem? Both Victoria and Alucard were there shopping for clothes. In the resulting chaos, "Vampire Dude" is christened "King of the Internet" (much to his utter bafflement) and Victoria turns a hot dog cart into an Improvised Weapon.
• Victoria's internal chastisement of herself when she sees a shirtless Alucard helping Amy and the Wards as they assist Taylor in her further development as a vampire.
  Victoria's Narration: Bad Vicky. You have a Dean. He is yours, he is handsome, and he is worth it. He is also not right in front of you, being all handsome.
  ...Well, no harm in looking.
• Alucard trying to help Taylor further expand her Voluntary Shapeshifting abilities. She learns how to transform herself into blood… and only blood, and she’s only able to temporarily take control over a rat via her vampiric blood form before the rat’s weak body causes Taylor to literally explode back into existence naked while splattered in rat giblets. Suffice to say, Taylor immediately vows to Alucard Let Us Never Speak of This Again.
• As Taylor and Alucard are watching over a recently vampirized Meridia in the hospital, Taylor tries to comfort the sulky succubus-vampire by likening her altered appearance to a drow. When she fails to get the reference, Alucard shows her a picture on his phone... and only then does Taylor and Alucard realize that the latter just gave Internet access to a demon of lust.
  "Here is a drow." Alucard said. I turned to look.
  He held out his phone, a...definitely unsafe for work picture on it. Meridia took it, looked over the 'art' and purred with approval.
  Questioningly, I looked at him. He shrugged, a faint smile on his face. "Your 'internet' is a weird but interesting place."
  Meridia was now busily flicking her fingers over the screen, her purr of approval getting louder. And...something sweet-smelling was filling the air. And the blankets had fallen to the floor. No, my mouth was not dry. Nope. Nope. Nope. Yep. Ye...no.
  Alucard's smile faded. "I...may have miscalculated."
  Meridia looked at me, a wide, interested and hungry smile on her face. "I need to see more of this 'internet.'"
  Yeah, he may have just doomed us all. He'd better look embarrassed.