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     Season One 

Smells

  • This word of advice:
    Eddie: Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady.
    • Richie, attempting to get Eddie to join him in the men's room for some plot-related scheming, decides that the best way to get his attention would be to stand at the doors and bellow "Edward Hitler! Will you please join me in the lavatory THIS INSTANT!" in front of the entire pub.
    "We're, um... toilet inspectors."

Gas

  • The scene in which Richie and Eddie meet the gas man:
    Richie: Cripes...it's the gas man!
    Gas man: Hello, I was wondering if I could just read your meter?
    Richie: HELLO MR GAS MAN!
    Gas man: Uh, yes, hello I was wondering if I could just-
    Eddie: You what?
    Richie: HELLO MR GAS MAN!
    Gas man: Uh, yes, hello again-
    Eddie: Mr who?
    Richie: GAS MAN! GAS MAN! GAS MAN!
    Eddie rushes into the kitchen to turn off the oven
    Gas man: Do you have someone who looks after you? Can I see them because I need. To read. Your meter!

Apocalypse

's Up

  • The scene where Richie tries to use a Cherokee rain-dance only to be shat on by a bird.
    Eddie: What was your Red Indian name, then? "Running Mouth"? "Sitting Down"? "Talking Bollocks"?
    Richie: Dances With the Wind.
    Eddie: That'll be the curry again.
  • The headlines in the newspaper Eddie is reading say that the entire cast of Brookside are lesbians, you can get AIDS from bicycling and Neil Kinnock's grandparents were homosexual martians.
  • The boys are on the roof of the shop enjoying a picnic. Richie has set up binoculars to enjoy a nearby cricket match.
    Richie: It still hasn't started. Those stumps are very big, aren't they?
    Eddie: Let's have a look (has a look) that's the rugby ground.

Accident

  • The entire misunderstanding over Eddie's present to Richie. The longer it goes on, the more absurd it gets:
    Richie: Madam Swish, 3:30? Oh Eddie, you haven't! Oh, what a pal you are! Madam Swish! Oo-euuh! God, at last, I'm really gonna do it! And on my birthday as well! I wonder what she's like!
    Eddie: She's a dead cert, mate. A real stayer!
    Richie: Really?
    Eddie: Yeah, she'll come first!
    Richie: What, before me?! Good grief, that's quick! So she'll think I'm great! Oh, what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?
    Eddie: Not exactly, I'll need a tenner.
    Richie: A tenner? That's quite cheap, isn't it?
    Eddie: Well, no, in that case, it's a tenner each way.
    Richie: [bewildered] Well, how many ways are there?
    Eddie: Well, you'll come first, second, or third, won't you?
    Richie: [visibly shocked] How many people are going to be there?!
    Eddie: Well, a few thousand!
    Richie: What!?
    Eddie: Well, it's Kempton!
    Richie: Kempton!? I can't get down to Kempton by 3:30!
    Eddie: You don't have to, mate! It'll be on the telly!
    Richie: They're gonna televise it?! But what if my auntie's watching?!
    Eddie: Well, what's illegal about betting on a horse?
    Richie: A horse!?
    Eddie: Yeah!
    Richie: Madam Swish is-is-is a horse!
    Eddie: Yeah! What did you think it was?
    Richie: Oh, nothing, nothing. Just checking.
    Eddie: I have given you a red hot tip!
    Richie: I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there?!

     Season Two 

Digger

  • Richie and Eddie`s dating agency videos sum up their respective characters perfectly:
    Eddie: (lifts hat)) Hello, girls! Eddie Hitler here! Come and get it! (gets on the chair and wiggles his bum at the camera, gets down) Yep, that ought to do it.
    Richie: (very nervous) He-l-o-o-o-oh. Hel-l-lo. Ah... eh, lovely weather! I, I can't see you, obviously, but I bet you've all got smashing blouses on. Er... um... my name's Richard, and, ah — ah-heeh — I'm looking for a, a friend. Well, a lover really. But failing that a quick wriggle would do! Oh, and by the way, I am the Duke of Kiddiminster and extremely rich!
  • The dating agency lady Lily reads the kind of women the boys want:
    Lily You want someone homely, with cooking skills, fun to be with...and a wazzo pair of jugs?
    Eddie That`s right.
    Richie But obviously we're flexible.
    Eddie Ah, but not about the jugs.
    Richie No, we have to firm on the jugs.
    Eddie And the jugs have to be very firm.
  • The dating agency finds a match:
    Lily Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley...
    Richie She sounds n-
    Lily Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob, third viscountess of Moldavia.
    Eddie (slaps the table) Sounds great, we'll have half a dozen!

Culture

  • When bored, Richie suggests they play a game:
    Richie: How about "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"?
    Eddie: We haven't got a donkey.
    Richie: Oh. Well, uh, "Pin the Tail on the Chicken"?
    Eddie: We haven't got a tail.
    Richie: Oh, well, uh, "Pin the Sausage on the Chicken"?
    Eddie: We haven't got a chicken.
    Richie: [Annoyed] Well, "Pin the Sausage on the Fridge".
    Eddie: Or a pin.
    Richie: [Even more annoyed] "Sellotape a Sausage to the Fridge."
    Eddie: We haven't got a sausage.
    Richie: [His last fraying nerve] "Put. A bit of sellotape. On the fridge."
    Eddie: ... Not much of a game, is it?
    Richie: What d'you mean? You have to do it blindfolded.
    Eddie: But we haven't even got a blindfold.
    Richie: [His last nerve's snapped] Well then, we'll just have to improvise, won't we?! [He takes Eddie's glasses off and pokes him in the eye] Okay?!
  • The chess game.
    • Just before when Richie is reminiscing - a small moment but it sums up Richie and Eddie perfectly:
    Richie: Hey, remember the night those girls turned up?!
    Eddie: (pause) ...no.

Burglary

  • Eddie drinking a full bottle of bleach and Richie dragging him upstairs by the legs, on a rope, whilst singing his own version of "The Sailor's Hornpipe". See the trivia page.
    • All while Eddie rambles drunkenly:
    Eddie: Take it easy, Selena. We've got all night...do your worst, you slanty-eyed fiend!...Hello, Your Majesty. I can see your pants.
  • Eddie suggests surrendering to the burglar downstairs:
    Richie: No, no. They might beat us up.
    Eddie: What, and cut our bodies into a thousand different pieces?
    Richie: And skin us alive!
    Eddie: Yes, and then put on our skins!
    Richie: And do foul, depraved lovemaking to our still-twitching corpses!
    Eddie: Yeah that's it. And eat our livers!
    Richie: And drink our blood! And play cricket with our hearts!
    Eddie: Using our love truncheons as wickets!
    Richie: And then do weird sort of pagan dancing, flapping our skins about the room and smearing naked girlies' breasts with our throbbing disintegrating brains!
    Eddie: (pause) It's not much of an option really, is it?
  • They hear a loud thump:
    Richie: That sounded like the Chesterfield.
    Eddie: It wasn't that far away.note 
  • "One lump or two, Mr. Burglar?"
  • In order to hide the captured burglar from the police, Eddie sellotapes him to the ceiling.
  • "Where did these mouse traps come from!?"

Parade

  • This quote and the many others of its kind:
    Eddie: Rightey dokey, matey-bloke-flap-old-salty-seadog-amigo-skip-jack-jockstrap-piano-tuner, let's see you balls this one up!

'S Out

  • The Running Gag about Eddie's girlfriends.
    Richie Where's your romance?
    Eddie She works in Sketchleys on Saturdays.
...
Richie Where's your sense of adventure?
Eddie Ah now she's in Chiswick.
...
Richie Well I've got my sleeping bag.
Eddie Where's mine?
Richie The last I heard she was in Chiswick!
  • The lads are without food and roasting Hob Nobs over a meagre fire:
    Richie What was that film where they ate each other?
    Eddie (thinks) Deepthroat, wasn't it?
    Richie Oh yeah. That was great!
  • A fish is spotted but they haven't got a fishing rod:
    Richie Let's use your vest as a net.
    Eddie Would I have to be in it?
  • WOMBLES!
  • This masterpiece of innuendo when Richie is fishing:
    Richie: My grandfather was a trawlerman you know.
    Eddie: Oh that's what they called them in those days was it?
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     Season Three 

Hole

  • "Don't you dare call me overweight young man!"
  • Eddie and Richie get trapped on a malfunctioning Ferris wheel scheduled for demolition. After praying to God for rescue, a giant hand comes down to carry them to safety, only for Eddie to spoil the moment with a hilarious disclaimer.
    Eddie: Hang on, Rich. Although we and indeed the whole BBC respect people's rights to believe in whatever they wish, [to the camera] because we don't want to get in the shit on this one, [back to Richie] we don't actually believe in God, do we?
    Richie: Tch, no.

Terror

  • This montage of Double Entendres.
    Eddie: Never mind all that. How's your sausage!?
    Richie: Oh you mean my sausage not my penis? Well it's a complete disaster. I mean you put it the pan you set fire to it and it gets incinerated.
    Eddie: Well maybe we should eat our flakes. (holds up a pack of corn flakes)
    Richie: Oh right, I'm getting Double Entendre disease.
    Eddie: Can I drink your Juice?
    Richie: (looks disgusted) Oh right, okay, I'm going mad this this morning.
    Eddie: Someone's giving our knocker a damn good banging.
    Richie: Right I'll grab my sausage and give it a good seeing to.
  • Sprouts Mexicain?
    • "God, what a night to get Guy Fawkes bottom!"

Break

  • Eddie still can't resist teasing Richie about his weight.
    Richie: Do you think Bridlington's topless?
    Eddie: No, I think you should bring your bra.
  • Richie waxes nostalgic about his parents in the war when he gets his Luftwaffe exercise book.
    Richie: This belonged to my dad, you know.
    Eddie: Was he in the war?
    Richie: Very much so. He got hit during the Blitz.
    Eddie: Did he?
    Richie: By an air raid warden. He wouldn't turn his light out. Good old dad. He won the fight. My mum and dad, Eddie. There was a romance. It was a fleeting wartime romance. They were only together (thinks)
    Eddie: Five minutes?
    Richie: If that. Ships in the night, Eddie. He was pissed. Wandered into the ladies. Off came her winceyettes. The johnnie machine jammed. Bim, bam, bom, whiff of cordite and he was off.
  • One of the funniest moments of physical humour has to be the liposuction scene. Basically Richie asks Eddie to give him liposuction for their upcoming holiday using nothing but a vacuum cleaner. And while he's getting liposuction, in true Bottom fashion, the vacuum sucks his penis. Just Rik's expressions and the sound effects make the scene.
    Richie: Eddie! Put it on blow! Put it on blow!
    Eddie: You dirty dirty bastard.
    Richie: Quick Eddie, hurry! I've nearly reached the bag!
  • Richie saws both of Eddie`s legs off at the knee with a chainsaw. Eddie stitches them on again. Backwards.
  • Eddie goes to the pub with their holiday money and come back a little worse for wear:
    Richie: You've been drinking, haven't you.
    Eddie: How DARE you! How dare you accuse me of drinking-ninge? Me, your oldest pal and matey! Old skip! Old bus fart tram ticket, one-for-the-road bag of scratchings! (knocks over the TV) Oops-a-daisy. We'll keep a welcome in the valet parking Mr David "childish" Jensen! ME, drinking-ninge? Why, I'll tear you limb from limb! (flails about, tears down the curtains and falls flat on his face on the sofa).
    Richie: (pause) You have, haven't you?
    Eddie: (looks up) Yeah.

Dough

  • Eddie has been forging money of very limited authenticity.
    Hedgehog: (holding a five pound note) What are those?
    Eddie: Those are the Queen's jugs.
    Richie: Eddie! A: The Queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty. And B: If she did, she certainly wouldn't get them out on the back of a fiver. Certainly not, she'd save them up for the fifty!
  • The lads are overcome with nerves at the pub trying out their money.
    Eddie: I'll have a pint of mild, in a half-pint glass.
  • They try to buy their way out of trouble by entering the pub quiz. At 200 pounds each.
    Eddie: That's a bit steep.
    Richie: Steep? It's practically effing vertical!

Finger

  • Eddie's mind is, as usual, somewhere else when Richie presents a set of car keys.
    Eddie: I'm thinking about that weather girl, Susan Charlton, stripped naked and covered in Marmite, bouncing up and down on a bungee rope. What are you thinking?
    Richie: Er, something else actually.
    Eddie: Not getting that black-haired Gladiator's legs wrapped round your face again?
    Richie: No, no, no. Haven't thought about that for weeks. I really must pop upstairs later and have a good think about that.
  • Eddie and Richie have stolen Cannonball Taffy O`Jones` car.
    Richie: How do you actually drive a car?
    Eddie: Well, you wait until none's looking then you grab the wires from under the dashboard and jam them together until the engine fires up. Then, you drink another can of Special Brew, aim it at the post office and put a brick on the accelerator!

Carnival

  • Richie and Eddie do a bit of "shopping" at the annual Hammersmith riot.
    Eddie At least we got the duck!
    Richie ...the duck?
    Eddie Yeah! It's made of plastic.
    Richie Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck?
    Eddie It floats in the bath. (waves the duck in front of Richie) Hello!
    Richie (gestures at the duck) Why?
  • Richie and Eddie watching the Prime Minister's sex tape (which they inadvertently stole from the back of a news van) in "Carnival", and the hilariously long time it takes them to work out that it is a sex tape.note 
    (Richie and Eddie are watching the Prime Minister undress)
    Richie: He's obviously very hot.
    Eddie: ... he's obviously got a very hot todger as well. Hang on - who's she?
    Richie: (squints) That must be his mummy.
    Eddie: Aha.
    Richie: Yes, yes, yes, it's obviously the Prime Minister's bedtime, yes.
    Eddie: (nods) Ah, I see.
    Richie: (leans forward, confused) ... now that is very unusual behaviour, isn't it.
    Eddie: Well... maybe she's just chaining him to the bed... in case he falls off.
    Richie: ... yes, yes, yes, that must be it, yes. And look, look, she's very hot too, look, she's... taken her dress off... (he and Eddie laugh sweetly) Aww, look! She's brought him a little present! What is that? A sort of... model of a Moon rocket, isn't it?
    (both of them suddenly jump back in alarm)
    Richie, Eddie: WHOAAA!!
    Richie: (horrified) What did she stick it in there for!?
    Eddie: ... maybe she's trying to take his temperature!
    Richie: (nodding) Yes, that must be it, yes, yes, he's obviously ill, yes...
    Eddie: Well! That'll be why he's so hot!
    Richie: ... yes! Yes! Of course! (Eddie laughs, relieved) Look at the poor little mite! He's... groaning, and thrashing around the place!
    Eddie: He's obviously got a very high fever! And that's why she's... sucking the poison out...
    (they both lean closer to the television in bewilderment)
    Richie: ... I wish I had a mum like that...
    (later, after a second woman has arrived in the film)
    Eddie: Hang on, who's she?
    Richie: That must be his, his auntie... she's very friendly, isn't she?
    Eddie: (points at screen) I think they must be sisters.
    Richie: Yes, that'll be it, yes- no, don't sit there!
    Eddie: (shocked) She can't have seen him!
    Richie: He'll suffocate!
    Eddie: (disgusted) I can't think that that's hygienic!...
  • When the Prime Minister appears on the screen, Richie salutes and Eddie raises two fingers.

  • The outtake tape known as "Fluff".
    Richie: I think there's something outside.
    Eddie: Well there's bound to be something outside. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be constained well fuck bastard bollocky bums!
    Rik: He couldn't do it in rehearsals either.

Live shows

  • Oh look Knackers...... Eddie then proceeds to kick Richie's knackers in various humorous ways... - Hooligans Island.
  • Anytime in the stage shows that Rik and Ade break out of character.
    Richie: Oh Eddie! Think what we're missing, like a script!
    Eddie: Well, we're not missing a script; it's just that you can't fucking remember it!
    Richie: Oh Eddie!
    Eddie: And every time you can't remember it you go, Oh Eddie!
    Richie: Oh Eddie, fuckin'... A-ha!
    Eddie: He probably hasn't got the right one.
    Richie: Oh fuck!
    • Best example is in Hooligan's Island when the Japanese WW2 bunker is accidentally revealed in Act 1 rather than Act 2. Rik cracks up, and takes roughly about 5 minutes to recompose himself to a point where they can actually continue with the show.
      • "There was little mistake there, wasn't there? Did you spot it? Bastards."
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    • The "sad and tragic news" scene in the first show is very much similar.
  • When a Frenchman appears on the beach in Live 3, Eddie says he left a 8ft long kayak on the beach. Richie thinks he meant the Frenchman left a turd there.
  • There's also this scene from the second live show.
  • Eddie getting shat on by an albatross. Ade breaks character just to get his point across about how irritating the scene, and continues in a sarcastic tone.
    • He does try to distract the audience with how rubbish the albatross looks so he can skip the scene. It doesn't work thanks to Rik.
    Eddie: He's not in very good form is he? Perhaps we should skip the albatross this evening.
    Richie: No....Go and stand on your special mark.
  • Richie being revealed to be wearing a pair of Y-fronts made from a pair of washing up gloves with the thumb stuck up his rear end.
    Eddie: What the fuck happened to you? It looks like you've fallen into one of Ronnie Corbett's condoms and a raspberry flavoured French tickler to boot.
  • The ending to the last live show where the meaning of everything is apparently pants and the two try to get the audience to take off their pants.
  • From the second show:
    Richie: Eddie get downstairs immediately. I've got the sprouts.
    Eddie: Go and see a doctor.
    Richie: Eddie come and help me unload my vegetables.
    Eddie: I shall do no such thing you foul pervert.
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    • Eddie's brilliant Actor Allusion during the jail scene:
    Are you finished? It's just that I'm beginning to understand why Stephen Fry fucked off. note 
  • "Alright me skip jap flip flap slippy dip lipstick oh look Mrs Jones Bomber Harris tweed cat in hat it might be raining Achtung baby psycho ward 10 minutes please gentlemen it's the lavvy express thunderpants are go!"
  • Eddie enters a Special K competition.
  • This from the second live show:
    Richie: So here I am in the witness box spikey spikey huge dangling knob, everything's great.
    Eddie: Gonna get a stand in for that are you? Normally they'd just have a body double but in your case it'd probably have to be a body treble wouldn't it? (Richie bows to Eddie in worship)
  • From the third live show:
    Richie: (after being hit on the knob with a poison dart) Eddie read that last bit again.
    Eddie: "Nnnd."
    Richie: No, read more than that.
    Eddie: Oh, "Snnnd."
    Richie: Give it here, I'll do it myself. "The. Dart. Is. Poi. Son. Ed." Oh fate! Oh nemesis!
    Eddie: Oh fuck!
  • When the audience participate in the second live show:
    Audience: HAVE A WANK!!
    Richie: Welcome to sophisticated Oxford!
  • Hooligans Island also has a great response to that particular audience callback.
    Audience: HAVE A WANK!!
    Eddie: We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one as well, didn't you? Cos you look like a wanker.

  • "Now you listen to me, buster! You're just a door! I'm Rik-[Thrust!]-Fucking-[Thrust!]-Mayall! CLOSE!"
  • The duo's parrot getting attacked by seagulls and suffering a heart attack in An Arse Oddity. The pair try to revive him and hilarity ensues.
  • This goes for the series too but anytime Eddie and Richie get into a fight its hilarious esp the fight with the saw and the fire extinguisher in one of the stage shows...
  • When Eddie mentions knowing a Pat O'Cake, Rik and Ade are barely able to compose themselves throughout the rest of the joke.
    Richie: Pat O'Cake?
    Eddie: [trying not to laugh] [to audience] Shut up...
    Richie: Pat O'Cake?
    Eddie: [nods] Pat O'Cake!
    Richie: [laughing] Baker's man?
    Eddie: That's the one!
    [audience laughter]
    Eddie: Oh I love that gag...
    Richie: What a sad, lonely life you must lead..
    Eddie: I'm afraid it is!
  • When Rik flubs yet another line during the second live stage show and the audience laughs...
    Richie: Fuck off home! I don't go down to where you work and laugh at you! Bastards!
  • When Rik slips up and accidentally punches Ade in the balls.
    Eddie: *high pitched* It's all right, Richie, I've got three fucking kids already.
    Richie: Hey, tell you what, how about we cut the rest of this scene and go to the pub?
    Eddie: No no... it's my turn. Stand there you cunt.
  • Eddie at the end of the first live show:
    Eddie: And, 5, 4, 3, 7, 12, 26... Fuck, I wish I could count!
  • In the first live show, we get an absolutely gut bustingly funny moment where the two completely break character after Eddie does his infamous "Don't you ever yearn for change??" monologue which ends up receiving thunderous applause. It's about 7 solid minutes of non-scripted hilarity.
    Richie: STOP FUCKING CLAPPING!!!! *Mocks the applauding audience* Especially you! You should fucking jump!
    Eddie: That's no way to talk to my mother...! Sorry mum!

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