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Funny / A Dance with Dragons

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  • According to Jon Snow, Arya used to dangle her doll by one leg and swing it like a morningstar "when menaced by vegetables".
  • Because Brown Ben Plumm told Dany that "Man wants to be the king o' the rabbits, he best wear a pair o' floppy ears", she refers to the Ghiscari attire tokar as "floppy ears". Subsequently, Ser Barristan referred to a Yunkish lord in a tokar as a rabbit because of his teeth.
  • In Jon Snow's first chapter, the moon murmuring/calling/insisting "Snow" at Jon dreaming as Ghost. Then he wakes up, and finds out that it's the Old Bear's raven trying to wake him. This is followed by Dolorous Edd walking in, completely ignoring the raven, asking what Jon wants for breakfast.
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  • Stannis calling Lord Manderly "Lord Too-Fat-to-Sit-a-Horse" at least twice.
  • Bran, as he and his friends follow Coldhands into the wild: Are we there yet?, like a little kid to their parents on a long road trip.
  • Rather dark humour, but just after Jon executes Janos Slynt, Owen the Oaf asks if he can have Slynt's boots.
  • Haldon doubting that Tyrion could kill a duck. Tyrion, assuming he is referring to the bird, shrugged and asked for the duck to be fetched. It turns out that Duck is a man's nickname.
    Tyrion: I had a smaller duck in mind.
    "Duck": Did you hear, Haldon? He wants a smaller Duck!
  • Haldon asking about Tyrion:
    Haldon: Does your dwarf ride as well as he pisses?
    Tyrion: He rides, though he rides best with a special saddle and a horse that he knows well. He talks as well.
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  • Tyrion's contingency plan if he encounters Lady Korra, the pirate queen whose Amazon Brigade promise to geld any man they capture:
    "I will just slip into a skirt and say that I am Cersei, the famous bearded beauty of King's Landing."
  • Election time in Volantis. A real classy candidate has sent out a hundred pretty slave girls to... stir up public support.
    "I'm for him," Tyrion decided. "Bring me a slave girl."
  • Pyp mocking Melisandre at dinner, thereby making the men of the Night's Watch chortle.
    Pyp: The night is dark and full of turnips. Let us pray for venison, my children, with some onions and a bit of tasty gravy.
  • "The three men were erect. The sight of their arousal was arousing."
  • Dolorous Edd has a few good lines:

    (to Jon) "Careful of the rats, my lord. They make an awful squeal if you step on them. My mother used to make a similar sound when I was a boy. She must have had some rat in her, now that I think of it. Brown hair, beady little eyes, liked cheese. Might be she had a tail too, I never looked to see."

    (After Jon said they will be drinking horse blood after their food runs out) "Nothing beats a hot cup of horse blood on a cold night. I like mine with a pinch of cinnamon sprinkled on top."

  • Tyrion challenges Haldon to a cyvasse game, having lost several times already, and Haldon says that the day Tyrion beats him is the day turtles swim out his arse. Cut to after the game, when someone asks where Haldon is:
    He's taken to his bed, in some discomfort. There are turtles swimming out his arse.
    • The only thing that makes that sweeter, is that it's implied Tyrion was deliberately giving him false confidence, since Tyrion offers to bet secrets right before the game.
  • Ser Rolly throwing Tyrion into the river (and Tyrion doing a much better job of swimming than the knight did), and the dwarf's response once pulled out.
    “You are not the first to try and drown me,” he told Duck, as he was pouring river water from his boot. “My father threw me down a well the day I was born, but I was so ugly that the water witch who lived down there spat me back.” He pulled off the other boot, then did a cartwheel along the deck, spraying all of them.
  • Tyrion's translation of Moqorro's evening prayer:
    "Light our fire and protect us from the dark, blah blah, light our way and keep us toasty warm, the night is dark and full of terrors, save us from the scary things, and blah blah blah some more."
  • The out of nowhere Shout-Out to Monty Python and the Holy Grail where a member of the Windblown says true Unsullied "don't break and run if you fart in their general direction."
  • This part from Tyrion going into a bar in Volantis. "For half a heartbeat he thought he glimpsed Illyrio Mopatis, but it was only one of those white dwarf elephants passing the front door."
  • When Glover asks Davos if he wants to return to his cell, the latter says he has no choice, the alternative being to stay with Garth and "Lady Lu". This confuses Glover who thinks that Lady Lu is one of the washerwomen. note 
  • The bit where Dany walks in on her handmaidens Irri and Jhiqui arguing about bloodrider Rakharo while the scribe Missandei just sits there reading a scroll, totally uninterested.
    Jhiqui: You are too skinny for him, you are almost a boy. Rakharo does not bed with boys. This is known.
    Irri: It is known that you are almost a cow. Rakharo does not bed with cows.
  • Quentyn Martell and Gerris Drinkwater's banter.
    Quentyn: You'd know this if you bothered to read the book Maester Kedry gave you.
  • Roose Bolton's most lighthearted line:
    "I have become oddly fond of my fat little wife."
    • Roose trying to set his son straight in Barrowton is full of darkly humorous one-liners:
    " All you have I gave you. You would do well to remember that, bastard. As for this … Reek … if you have not ruined him beyond redemption, he may yet be of some use to us. Get the keys and remove those chains from, before you make me rue the day I raped your mother."
    "Only Lady Barbrey, whom you would turn into a pair of boots... inferior boots. Human skin is not as tough as cowhide and will not wear as well."
  • Once they've spent a few weeks on the boat getting to know one another, Penny nervously asks Tyrion if he wants to joust with her, and he reacts about the way you'd expect Tyrion to react to someone asking him to ride a pig in a dwarf jousting show. It's only hours later when he realizes that Penny might have meant something else, — like something far more intimate when she asked him, "Do you want to joust with me?" In which case, Tyrion's reaction of, "OH DEAR GODS IN ALL THE SEVEN HEAVENS A THOUSAND TIMES NO," was probably not the most diplomatic response to give.
  • Tyrion, Penny and Jorah's slave auction is, at the same time, distressing and darkly funny with flashes of awesome mixed in with the horror. And, then we get the very persistent and absurdly amusing, penny-pinching voice saying, "And one." You can almost see the steam coming off the auctioneer even before Jorah really pushes it.
    • What makes that voice especially funny is that it's reminiscent of (and may be a shout-out too?) when contestants add a dollar to a previous contestant's guess on The Price Is Right.
  • Stannis's reaction when Jon ticks off the leaders of the mountain clans, offhandedly mentioning one known as "Big Bucket."
  • When Jorah captures Tyrion to present to Daenerys. Tyrion promises to drown him in gold if he lets him go.
  • When interrogated by Plague Face about her commitment with the Faceless Men and chided about her lack of humility, Arya replies that she "can be humbler than anyone", which gives him a chuckle.
  • Adventure stunk. Quentyn's entire storyline in a nutshell.
  • When Ser Corliss Penny wonders aloud whether an entire army has ever frozen to death in a winter storm, it only serves to make the Northmen present burst out in laughter.
    Big Bucket Wull: "Up in the hills we say that autumn kisses you, but winter fucks you hard. This is only autumn's kiss."
  • It's a small moment, but while fleeing Deepwood Motte, Asha finds herself fighting one of Stannis' Northern clansmen who repeatedly calls her a cunt in the heat of battle. After she's defeated and captured, the clansman comes and apologizes to her for calling her a cunt, but does not — as Asha notes — apologize to her for trying to kill her with an axe. Trying to kill Asha was of course completely appropriate as they met in battle. Calling her foul names however was not.
  • Dany wonders why Quentyn Martell is introduced to her as Frog, thinking he can jump further than the others. note 
  • When Jon Snow heard the rumour about dragons in the east, he says that having a dragon at the Wall might warm things up a bit.
  • Jaime surprises Jonos Bracken while Jonos is in the middle of sex, resulting in one of the darkest mainstream fantasy series momentarily becoming a classical French farce: "And how fares your lady wife?"
    • Even funnier is Jaime's deadpan snark response to Bracken's greeting.
    Bracken: You took me unawares, my lord. I was not told of your coming.
    Jaime: And I seem to have prevented yours.
    • And Bracken telling his Camp Follower not to cover herself up (which is her instinctive reaction when Jaime barges in on them): "Put your hands down, woman. My lord of Lannister wants a proper look at those teats."
    • The banter between Jaime and the woman, Hildynote , is pretty funny as well, as she has a rather sharp wit, and it's made even better by a bit of subtext stemming from Jaime's bitterness over Cersei cheating on him:
      Jaime: Are all camp followers so modest? If a man wants to sell his turnips, he needs to set them out.
      Hildy: You been looking at my turnips since you came in, ser. And they're not for sale, neither.
      Jaime: My apologies if I mistook you for something you're not. My little brother has known a hundred whores, I'm sure, but I've only ever bedded one.

      Hildy: Do you have a little wife, ser?
      Jaime: <internally> No, I have a sister. <aloud> What color is my cloak?
      Hildy: White, but your hand is solid gold. I like that in a man. And what is it you like in a woman, m'lord?
      Jaime: Innocence.
      Hildy: In a woman, I said. Not a daughter.
      Jaime: I have sworn a vow.
      Bracken: Get Out!
  • During Alys Karstark and the Magnar of Thenn's wedding, Alys leans close to Jon and tells him that her mother used to say that snow during a wedding means a cold marriage:
    Jon (looks at Queen Selyse): There must have been a blizzard the day she and Stannis wed.
  • When Alys' Evil Uncle Cregan comes armed to Castle Black to carry Alys off against her will and do JerkAss things so he can take Alys' home from her, Jon momentarily thinks that taking his head might be a wedding gift for Alys but refrains — in the last book, Jaime believes Tyrion wouldn't think a head would be a great gift and now we see Tyrion's friend Jon considering the same thing.
  • Alys being extremely grown-up by throwing bits of bread at Jon during her wedding feast while she and Jon tease each other about dancing together as kids.
  • Hizdahr telling the pit spectators "Meereen! Let Queen Daenerys hear your love!" sounds more like a concert MC than the consort of a queen.
  • Wyman Manderly's denial that he ordered the murder of Little Walder Frey and retorts to his accuser (who is also a Frey):
    "Though mayhaps this was a blessing. Had he lived, he would have grown up to be a Frey."
  • Victarion Greyjoy's interesting priorities:
    Euron's gifts were poisoned, the captain had reminded himself the day the dusky woman came aboard. I want none of his leavings. He had decided then that he would slit her throat and toss her into the sea, a blood sacrifice to the Drowned God. Somehow, though, he had never gotten around to it.
  • Victarion's misadventures as he sails east.
    “She flew away upon her dragon, beyond the Dothraki sea,” the fisherman said. “Where is this Dothraki sea?” Victarion demanded. “I will sail the Iron Fleet across it and find the queen wherever she may be.”;The fisherman laughed aloud. “That would be a sight worth seeing. The Dothraki sea is made of grass, you fool.” He should not have said that.
  • Val patting Ser Patrek on the head and calling him "Ser Kneeler".
  • When Kevan sees Cersei while she is imprisoned and Cersei sees that Kevan is still angry at her — she thinks it is over her throwing wine at him, rather than about everything else.
  • When Hizdahr expresses his preference to be addressed as His Magnificence, His Radiance or His Worship instead of the Westerosi Your Grace, Ser Barristan has another suggestion which he does not say aloud:
    His Vanity would fit better.
  • Tyrion on wearing slave bells:
    If I dance just right, maybe I can ring "The Rains of Castamere".
  • When Tyrion is recognised as being one of the jousters:
    Tyrion: The sow I ride is actually my sister. We have the same nose, could you tell? A wizard cast a spell on her, but if you give her a big wet kiss, she will turn into a beautiful woman. The pity is, once you get to know her, you'll want to kiss her again to turn her back.
  • This conversation about weather:
    Jon Snow: What sort of weather would you prefer?
    Dolorous Edd: The sort they keep indoors.
  • Gerris Drinkwater: "When Barristan the Bold says to run, a wise man laces up his boots."
  • When Cersei is being paraded through King's Landing, a whore has the most beautiful insult for her (the crowd is content with "Brotherfucker"): She lifts up her skirt and proudly proclaims that her lady parts aren't as used as the queen's.
  • Selmy gets a gem when dueling a pit fighter.
    Khrazz: Only cowards dress in iron.
    Selmy: This coward is about to kill you, ser.
  • Selmy gets another soon after.
    Khrazz: In the pit, that would have taken your arm off, old man.
    Selmy: We are not in the pit.
  • Patchface volunteers to lead the ranging to Hardhome, with everyone riding on seahorses and mermaids to announce their coming. Even Queen Selyse smiled at that.
  • Dany apparently getting dysentery. Disgusting, but funnier than it sounds.
    Sunset found her squatting in the grass, groaning. Every stool was looser than the one before, and smelled fouler. By the time the moon came up she was shitting brown water. The more she drank, the more she shat, but the more she shat, the thirstier she grew, and her thirst sent her crawling to the stream to suck up more water.
  • It comes at a rather morbid moment, but Varys apologizing to the dying Kevan for the cold. After he murdered Pycelle, he soiled himself and it stunk so bad he thought he might choke, so Varys had to open a window.
  • On the Acknowledgements page, George R. R. Martin begins with "The last one was a bitch. This one was three bitches and a bastard."
  • In a darkly funny moment, Victarion tries to get the crew to get used to Moqorro by having him wear the Greyjoy colors instead of R'hllor's red. It doesn't work as instead the black makes him even scarier.
  • Jon and Melisandre discussing Stannis:
    Melisandre: His Grace is growing fond of you.
    Jon: I can tell. He only threatened to behead me twice.
  • In a darkly humorous fashion, when Tyrion is playing cyvasse with Young Griff aka Aegon Targaryen and mocks his ingenuity regarding the game of thrones, the boy goes berserk and throws away the cyvasse board:
    Young Griff: Pick those up.
    Tyrion's thoughts: He may well be a Targaryen after all.
    • And also Tyrion's thoughts shortly before were going to another Royal Brat everyone knows too well...
    The dwarf could not help but think of Joffrey. "I have a gift for angering princes."
    • Tyrion inquires how he'll introduce himself to Daenerys.
    Tyrion: Good morrow to you, Auntie. I am your nephew, Aegon, returned from the dead. I’ve been hiding on a poleboat all my life, but now I’ve washed the blue dye from my hair and I’d like a dragon, please... and oh, did I mention, my claim to the Iron Throne is stronger than your own?
  • When the Volantene tigers rubbed Tyrion's head, Tyrion demands Haldon what it does mean and he's told that they believe rubbing a dwarf's head brings good luck.
    Tyrion: Tell him that it is even better luck to suck on a dwarf’s cock.
    Haldon: Best not. Tigers have been known to have sharp teeth.
  • Tyrion, while sailing aboard the Selaesori Qhoran and thinking about his lack of interaction with fellow dwarves, reminisices about a moment in his childhood where Cersei told him about a dwarf whore in King's Landing who supposedly had sex with dogs, and offered to find him a bitch in heat if he wanted to try for himself. Tyrion remembers he wiped the smile off Cersei's face by asking if she meant herself and considers Cersei throwing wine in his face worth it.
  • The prologue introduces us to a wildling skinchanger named Varamyr Sixskins. He changed his name every time he added an additional animal to his pack. We can only conclude that at one time, he must have been called Varamyr Fourskins.
  • Strong Belwas stuffing himself full of honeyed locusts at the fighting pits.
    Strong Belwas bellowed, “Locusts!” as he seized the bowl and began to crunch them by the handful.
    • Also, this exchange between Dany and her new husband Hizdahr:
      Hizdahr: Those [locusts] are very tasty. You ought to try a few yourself, my love. They are rolled in spice before the honey, so they are sweet and hot at once.
      Dany: That explains the way Belwas is sweating.


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