Eleanor is depressed, so Franklin goes to Wilson for advice. However, "Wilson" is just a scarecrow with a frog perched on its shoulder, so Franklin takes its advice to mean that he should convince his wife to "Rivet, rivet, rivet." Cut to Eleanor high on a construction site riveting into a girder:
Franklin: Oh, Wilson, my wife is happy again! ("Wilson" is actually a scarecrow with an owl perched on its shoulder) "Wilson": Hoo. Franklin: My wife, Eleanor. "Wilson": Hoo. Franklin: My wife, Elean. "Wilson": Hoo. Franklin: My wife, Eleanor. (Continues into the night...)
Jay even closes the episode with, "Goodnight, Critic fans. And a special goodnight to those of you just tuning in for Home Improvement."
Duke: I'm Duke Phillips, and from now on I'm speaking my own mind. First, I'll tell you what I'm really gonna do as president. I'll run this country like I run my company. I'm gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the ocean, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.
Ronald Reagan:(watching Duke on TV with Nancy Reagan) Ooh! Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.
Duke: Half of you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about! California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England.
Richard Attenborough: You may have us, but you'll never get off the island!
Raptor:(speaking in an English accent, holding a pipe) I beg to differ. For you see, the other Raptors and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd-jobs under the name "Mr. Pilkington." But perhaps I've said too much... (smokes pipe)
Orson Welles: Hello, I'm Orson Welles. What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of magic, mystery -
Lawyer: Mr. Welles, this is a video will.
Orson Welles: What? Look, I don't need to do this, I've got a fish stick commercial in an hour. (Walks away but then comes back) Oh what the hell, I need the money. (Sits back down) What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of probate, beneficiaries, and GOBLINS!
Lawyer: Mr. Welles!
Orson Welles: Fine, fine, no goblins. I give you ... THE LIVING WILL!(Laughs evilly)
As well as:
Orson Welles: And remember, there is no fish stick like Mrs. Pell's.
Orson Welles: Rosebud. Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness ... Wait, that's terrible! I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Takes a handful and pops a few in his mouth.) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Eats) Oh yeah.
Orson Welles: A rich, full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And now, for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (glug, glug, glug)
From the episode "Eyes on the Prize":
Jay: Hello, I'm Jay Sherman. This morning on English For Cab Drivers, I was going to teach you how to say "He was already dead when I hit him."
Later on, at the Pulitzer Prize ceremony, the host mentions the following:
Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?!Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!
In "Sherman, Woman and Child," we see a flashback of a 14-year-old Jay getting on a bus to summer camp and his parents telling him to have fun, until ...
Franklin: Sweetie, I think that was the bus to Attica prison.
The topper is that he's dressed in very old-timey garb (as in "Little Boy Blue" outfit) when he goes, complete with blonde curls peeking out of the hat.
Jay reviews Barney: The Motion Picture, starring one of America's best actors:
Marlon Brando: This is so humiliating. You know I had to lose a hundred pounds to play a dinosaur? Canít even see through the eyeholes on this thing. (crashes into a wall) Whoa! (and falls over, grunting)
Kid: Hey, Barney's being funny!
Brando: No I'm not. I don't do comedy. Not since The Freshman, that piece of crap. I don't know what I was thinking making that picture, let me tell ya.
Franklin: A penguin! (Grabs bottle of Johnny Swagger brand alcohol) And he's been drinking! Wait a minute ... Penguins can't fly! PENGUINS CAN'T FLY! (Plane goes down)
Similarly, in "A Song for Margo"
Jay:(Getting dinner from the fridge) What's that sulfur smell coming from the egg bin? Oh, it must be the eggs have ripened. Wait a minute ... Eggs don't ripen! EGGS DON'T RIPEN! (Monstrous chickens hatch from the eggs, causing Jay to slam the refrigerator door shut.)
Done again in "From Chunk to Hunk", this time with the fact that edible roaches don't crawl.
Jay:(During his review of The Cockroach King) The only good thing about this film were the edible chocolate roaches they gave out. (Eats one) Mm-mmm!
From that same episode, Margo is listening to the black box from the plane, and hears the following exchange:
Franklin: Help! Our plane's going down, and our pilot's a penguin!
Franklin: No I will not "pray with you"!
After creating a hut, Franklin made a signal fire that spells out "NEED RUM". The funniest part? The pilot of a passing plane notices this and presses the "Rumdrop" button, which, well, drops a bottle of rum, which has its own parachute.
Also, in "Frankie and Ellie Get Lost", in their video will, Franklin reveals that, when Jay was a child, he dropped him on his head ... for a whole day!
Duke promised to pay $100 to anyone Jay couldn't make laugh within a month ... and a legion shows up at Duke's building to collect, including Jay's parents.
Jay: Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh?
Franklin: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
(later, when Miranda finally reveals herself, after refusing to meet him because she had a single crow's foot)
Miranda: You don't mind my wrinkle?
Duke: Hey, I was going to marry her and she's nothing but wrinkles. Her whole body looks like Reagan's neck.
Doris:(dully annoyed) Good one, Duke.
In "Eyes on the Prize," Duke tells Jay that he's starting to repeat himself and shows a three-split screen video as proof:
Jay:(section 1, from 1988)Rain Man(section 2, from 1992)A Few Good Men(section 3, from 1993)The Firm(all together) is the latest stinker from Tom Cruise. He doesn't act anymore, he's on ... Cruise Control! AAAAAAHAHAHA! AAAAAAHA! I JUST ... I JUST! MADE THAT! UP!
During the episode where Franklin and Eleanor are presumed dead, Jay, the beneficiary of their estate, goes on a tour of the various Sherman-owned industries. They're all various evil industries, including a cigarette company that markets to children. When the Corrupt Corporate Executive of the factory finds out he's being shut down:
Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex? Jay: You're a bad man. Executive: Hey, if it's a crime to encourage children to smoke and have sex, then lock me up. (Gilligan Cut to him locked up in the back of a police van) Executive:(dejected) I need a hug.
Earlier in that scene, the executive shows Jay and Alice an episode of Humphrey where the title character says, "Hey kids, have you been smokin' like I asked you to?" Then a little girl with a really hoarse voice (provided by Doris Grau) replies, "Yeah, I'm up to four packs a day!" Humphrey tells the kids what happens when they get a lung removed: They get ice cream! All the kids cheer, although the little girl coughs pretty heavily before she can squeak out, "Yay!"
Jay shows a clip of his "legendary" interview with Cher. Nothing but fifteen seconds of bleeped out curse words.
Elenor: Oh dear. This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral.
In "Dial M For Mother", after getting test audience feedback, Jay is apparently worse than Hitler.
Duke Phillips: No, not worse, just less warm and cuddly.
In the same scene, two teenagers in a focus group visit the station:
Male teen: You know, that dude with the mustache is really gnarly! Female teen: Is he in a band? Jay: That's Adolf Hitler! Don't you recognize him?! Male teen: Oh right, he played the mailman on Cheers. Heh.
Jay: Because I love you people, I won't force you to watch the musical number. Well, maybe just a little.
Ahnold:(Singing) Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel! I made you out of clay!
The joke is revisited in the final episode:
Jay: Arnold specifically asked me not to show the clip of his musical number. So here it is! (same clip plays)
And immediately after the clip, Jay announces that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the next guest. But he doesn't come through the door. A skinny, nebbish man comes out and says, "Arnold's not coming. You made him cry." and leaves. Jay improvises: "Uh..... Arnold Schwarzenegger, everybody! Wasn't he great??"
After Prince Charles is thrown out of a preschool:
Prince Charles: I'll have your heads for this! Guard: Who died and made you king? Prince Charles:(sniffing) Nobody.
The Jay Sherman Video Tape Rewinder sound. "ACKEM!!!"
In "Sherman of Arabia", when Jay sends Duke a message via rat to help him get out of prison in Baghdad, Duke just throws the rat into a bin titled "Rats from Jay", revealing that Jay had sent him other rats over the years, all of them having a message attached and unread.
Arnold: You think you've got problems? I'm partnered with a pig, an alien, Siamese twins, a sofa, and a second-rate mime.
Mime: Hey, I'm stuck in a box! I can't get- (Explodes)
In "Sherman, Woman and Child," after Jay plays the accordion to thwart Cyrus:
Jay:(To Alice) Look, I don't know what this looks like to you. I've lost my ability to tell between what's cute and what's idiotic.
Also from the same episode, when Jay introduces himself to Alice:
Jay: I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC...for about a week.
In "A Pig-Boy and His Dog," Franklin speaks to an oversized plush doll of Elenor's book character The Fat Little Pig, thinking it's Jay.
Franklin: Good news, son. I found the perfect mate for you. (Holds up a Barbie doll) Her name is Barbie and she's from Malibu. Now she has a boyfriend named Ken, but he's not much of a man. (Leans over and whispers)I checked.
From the same episode, when everyone realizes the pig is an expy of Jay, Duke shouts, "Make him SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLL!!"
When Alice meets Jay's ex-wife Ardeth for the first time, Ardeth proceeds to give Alice several spooky warnings before Jay reminds her the divorce judge told her she couldn't do that. Ardeth then pulls out a skull-tipped staff and starts shaking it before Jay says "and no hexes, either!"
Jay returns to his old job at the end of "Uneasy Rider"; Duke immediately gives it back to him, claiming he can't stand Rex Reed any longer.
Rex Reed:(singing) Yuuuuum-my, yummy yum yum!
Duke: He doesn't review movies; he just sits there singing that stupid song! Every time he does, I have to pay some Navajo fifty bucks!
In the second webisode, the Mission: Impossible 2 parody. Specifically, how Tom Cruise can take giant tank artillery to the chest (it bounces right off) and can run through machine gun fire without getting hit. Then he flips his hair and gives his trademark smile to the camera. The caricature is just fantastic.
Also, this bit, referencing Anthony Hopkins's role as Commander Swanbeck:
Swanbeck: Mister Hunt, your mission is to find a deadly virus while engaging in a maximum of daring-do. Can I have my money now?
Swanbeck: To help you, I'm assigning you three partners who will sit around... and do nothing. Can I have my money NOW?
The clip of On the Waterfront, which Jay calls "the greatest scene in Oscar history":
Terry: I coulda been somebody. I Coulda Been a Contender. Instead, I'm gonna make a lot of bad movies, then have a comeback in The Seventies, and let an Indian accept my award. Then I'll make more bad movies, and get really fat, and kiss Larry King on the mouth. Charley: I can't take it anymore! (leaves the car) Terry: Hey, where ya goin'?! The car's still movin'! Oh well. Take me to Krispy Kreme.
The Ted Kennedy cameos, both Young Ted Kennedy at Franklin and Eleanor's wedding in '55, and "present day" Ted Kennedy appearing at a square dance hosted by the Shermans.
Ted: "I didn't show up with pants, and I'm not leaving with pants!"
The Jay Sherman Roach Spray, which just makes the roaches look like Jay Sherman.
And they constantly cough "Ach-um Ach-um Ach-um!"
The newspaper headline from "Sherman Of Arabia" that outright states that George Bush Sr. lost re-election because of a photo of him shaking hands with Jay after the latter's successfull escape from Gulf War Iraq, due to film critics being "the most despised profession there is - except for pre-op groin shaver." The headline: "Bush Loses!"
(Jay's falls onto the floor after his chair breaks. Duke then walks on-stage)
Duke:(as he rolls Jay away) Son, you've got a date with Mr. Smucker.
After the episode, Siskel and Ebert review the episode, saying it didn't make much sense. At that moment, Blueberry!Jay rolls by happily. At that point, both of them adopt a Screw This, I'm Outta Here! attitude and leave.