Eleanor is depressed, so Franklin goes to Wilson for advice. However, "Wilson" is just a scarecrow with a frog perched on its shoulder, so Franklin takes its advice to mean that he should convince his wife to "Rivet, rivet, rivet." Cut to Eleanor high on a construction site riveting into a girder:
Franklin: Oh, Wilson, my wife is happy again! ("Wilson" is actually a scarecrow with an owl perched on its shoulder) "Wilson": Hoo. Franklin: My wife, Eleanor. "Wilson": Hoo. Franklin: My wife, Eleanor. "Wilson": Hoo. Franklin: My wife, Eleanor. (Continues into the night...)
Jay even closes the episode with, "Goodnight, Critic fans. And a special goodnight to those of you just tuning in for Home Improvement."
Duke: I'm Duke Phillips, and from now on I'm speaking my own mind. First, I'll tell you what I'm really gonna do as president. I'll run this country like I run my company. I'm gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the ocean, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.
Ronald Reagan:(watching Duke on TV with Nancy Reagan) Ooh! Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.
Duke: Half of you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about! California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England.
Queen Elizabeth II: Ah, don't mind if I do. (looks in the cup) You almost had me there. (whacks him over the head with her scepter, knocking him unconscious)
Duke: Well, that's my speech. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on some leather and go get spanked. (gets on his horse) Vote for Duke. Good night. (rides off)
Jay listening to his answering machine:
Gene Siskel: Hey, Jay! It's Gene Siskel. I've decided I'd like YOU to be my partner. Let me know if you're game so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.
(beep)
Roger Ebert: Jay, it's Roger Ebert. How'd you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.
(beep)
Rex Reed: Jay, it's Rex Reed. I don't care if you got the job. I've got a NEW partner. (monkey screeches) That's right, Pauline Kael!
Gene Shalit:(phoning Jay in the opening credits) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window!
In a scene from The Bodyguard 2:
(Kevin Costner is simultaneously carrying The Three Tenors in his arms, trying to keep his balance while he carries them out the back door of a theatre)
Three Tenors:(singing) Weeeee-HEE-heeeee-HEE-heeee will always love yoooooooooou!
(Costner suddenly falls, and the weight of the three causes his back to break)
Richard Attenborough: You may have us, but you'll never get off the island!
Raptor:(speaking in an English accent, holding a pipe) I beg to differ. For you see, the other Raptors and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd-jobs under the name "Mr. Pilkington." But perhaps I've said too much... (smokes pipe)
Orson Welles: Hello, I'm Orson Welles. What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of magic, mystery -
Lawyer: Mr. Welles, this is a video will.
Orson Welles: What? Look, I don't need to do this, I've got a fish stick commercial in an hour. (Walks away but then comes back) Oh what the hell, I need the money. (Sits back down) What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of probate, beneficiaries, and GOBLINS!
Lawyer: Mr. Welles!
Orson Welles: Fine, fine, no goblins. I give you ... THE LIVING WILL!(Laughs evilly)
As well as:
Orson Welles: And remember, there is no fish stick like Mrs. Pell's.
Orson Welles: And I too have gone to a better place. A place filled with Mrs. Pell's fishsticks. (eats them) Yes, oh, yes! They're even better when you're dead!
Orson Welles: Rosebud. Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness ... Wait, that's terrible! I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Takes a handful and pops a few in his mouth.) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Eats) Oh yeah.
Orson Welles: A rich, full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (glug, glug, glug)
From the episode "Eyes on the Prize":
Jay: Hello, I'm Jay Sherman. This morning on English For Cab Drivers, I was going to teach you how to say "He was already dead when I hit him."
Later on, at the Pulitzer Prize ceremony, the host mentions the following:
Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!
In "Sherman, Woman and Child," we see a flashback of a 14-year-old Jay getting on a bus to summer camp and his parents telling him to have fun, until ...
Franklin: Sweetie, I think that was the bus to Attica prison.
Jay reviews Barney: The Motion Picture, starring one of America's best actors:
Marlon Brando: This is so humiliating. You know I had to lose a hundred pounds to play a dinosaur? Can’t even see through the eyeholes on this thing. (crashes into a wall) Whoa! (and falls over, grunting)
Kid: Hey, Barney's being funny!
Brando: No I'm not. I don't do comedy. Not since The Freshman, that piece of crap. I don't know what I was thinking making that picture, let me tell ya.
Franklin: A penguin! (Grabs bottle of Johnny Swagger brand alcohol) And he's been drinking! Wait a minute ... Penguins can't fly! PENGUINS CAN'T FLY! (Plane goes down)
From that same episode, Margo is listening to the black box from the plane, and hears the following exchange:
Franklin: Help! Our plane's going down, and our pilot's a penguin!
Penguin: Wak-wak-wak
Franklin: No I will not "pray with you"!
Duke promised to pay $100 to anyone Jay couldn't make laugh within a month ... and a legion shows up at Duke's building to collect, including Jay's parents.
Jay: Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh?
Franklin: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
(later, when Miranda finally reveals herself, after refusing to meet him because she had a single crow's foot)
Miranda: You don't mind my wrinkle?
Duke: Hey, I was going to marry her and she's nothing but wrinkles. Her whole body looks like Reagan's neck.
Doris:(dully annoyed) Good one, Duke.
In "Eyes on the Prize," Duke tells Jay that he's starting to repeat himself and shows a three-split screen video as proof:
Jay:(section 1, from 1988)Rain Man(section 2, from 1992)A Few Good Men(section 3, from 1993)The Firm(all together) is the latest stinker from Tom Cruise. He doesn't act anymore, he's on ... Cruise Control! AAAAAAHAHAHA! AAAAAAHA! I JUST ... I JUST! MADE THAT! UP!
During the episode where Franklin and Eleanor are presumed dead, Jay, the beneficiary of their estate, goes on a tour of the various Sherman-owned industries. They're all various evil industries, including a cigarette company that markets to children. When the owner of the factory finds out he's being shut down:
"But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?"
In "Marathon Mensch," two movie employers in Hollywood celebrate over The New York Chronicle reporting Jay missing and feared dead while running in the New York marathon.
Female Movie Executive: Woo hoo! Sherman’s gone!
Male Movie Executive: Let’s release that unwatchable Steve Guttenberg movie, quick!
Female Movie Executive: Uh … which one?
The third Webisode had a genuinely funny bit of Pikachu being outed by Jay, and when his sexy makeup lady walks out on him, Pikachu returns and hits on Jay.
