Funny: The Critic

The regular series:

  • "A Pig-Boy and His Dog":
    • Eleanor is depressed, so Franklin goes to Wilson for advice. However, "Wilson" is just a scarecrow with a frog perched on its shoulder, so Franklin takes its advice to mean that he should convince his wife to "Rivet, rivet, rivet." Cut to Eleanor high on a construction site riveting into a girder:
    • Later:
      Franklin: Oh, Wilson, my wife is happy again!
      ("Wilson" is actually a scarecrow with an owl perched on its shoulder)
      "Wilson": Hoo.
      Franklin: My wife, Eleanor.
      "Wilson": Hoo.
      Franklin: My wife, Eleanor.
      "Wilson": Hoo.
      Franklin: My wife, Eleanor. (Continues into the night...)
    • Jay even closes the episode with, "Goodnight, Critic fans. And a special goodnight to those of you just tuning in for Home Improvement." (At the time, this show was that show's lead-in.)
    • When Eleanor has a meeting about her new book, the publisher compares it favorably to another author: Dr. Seduce and his book, Horton Hears His Neighbors In Bed.
      Franklin: (reading it) Oh goodie! It's a pop-up book!
    • Jay's nightmare of being attacked by his ever-growing dog, which starts off as a parody of Jurassic Park.
      "Help! Help! Or at least put me in a better Spielberg movie!"
      (cut to a Jaws sequence)
    • Franklin speaks to an oversized plush doll of Eleanor's book character The Fat Little Pig, thinking it's Jay.
      Franklin: Good news, son. I found the perfect mate for you. (Holds up a Barbie doll) Her name is Barbie and she's from Malibu. Now she has a boyfriend named Ken, but he's not much of a man. (Leans over and whispers) I checked.
    • When everyone realizes the pig is an expy of Jay, Duke shouts, "Make him SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLL!!"
  • The reason everyone was at the debutante ball was, as Franklin said, "To see those nitro-burning funny cars! Vroom vroom!"
  • Jay's student film L'artiste est Morte.
  • Speed Reading.
    Jay: That wasn't a clip, that was the entire movie.
  • Duke's kaledoscope vision.
  • In the episode "Sherman, Woman and Child":
    • Jay has an... uneven first meeting with Alice and Penny Tompkins when they share a taxi in the rain.
      Jay: I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC... for about a week. (gets into taxi with Alice and Penny)
      Alice: I'm Alice Tompkins and this is my daughter Penny.
      Penny: You didn't like The Lion King! You're mean! (Punches Jay in the nose)
      Alice: (Surprised) Penny!
      Jay: It's all right. Rex Reed did the same thing.
      Penny: (Smiling apologetically to Jay) I'm sorry. (Kisses him on the nose)
      Jay: Aww. Rex did that too.
    • When Alice asks Jay when a woman last dressed him, we see a flashback of a 14-year-old Jay getting on a bus to summer camp, dressed in a "Little Boy Blue" outfit complete with blonde curls peeking out of the hat:
      Eleanor: Have fun at summer camp, son. (kisses him goodbye; Jay gets on the bus, and as it pulls away, Franklin sees the words "ATTICA PRISON" on the back)
      Franklin: Sweetie, I think that was the bus to Attica prison.
      Eleanor: Oh. Well, Jay can be their little mascot! (cut to Jay peering gloomily through the back window)
    • Madonna's appearance on Humphrey The Hippo a few months after her appearance on David Letterman.
      Humphrey: Hey, kids! Let's welcome our special guest Madonna!
      (She appears on screen)
      Humphrey: Hey, Madonna!
      Madonna: Don't [Censor Bleep] with me, hippo.
      Humphrey: Hey, do you eat with that mouth?
      Madonna: Yeah, and I also [Censor Bleep] and [Censor Bleep] with it.
      Humphrey: Ewwwwwwwwww.
    • Duke's hospital statue across the street:
      Duke Statue: ALL HAIL DUKE! DUKE IS LIFE! ALL HAIL DUKE! DUKE IS LIFE! (a pigeon flies into the statue's mechanized mouth)
      Duke: Pigeons really like the sound of my voice- (a pigeon flies into the real Duke's mouth)
    • While talking to Jeremy Hawke about how Alice has turned his life around, Jay has a Love Epiphany; Jeremy encourages him to act on it as only Jeremy can.
      Jeremy: I want you to go to that woman's house tonight, and tell her how you feel about her!
      Jay: (pounds table with resolve) I'll do it!
      Jeremy: In the words of the poet, carpe canem!
      Jay: (stands up) YES! (leaves, then returns) "Carpe canem"? Seize the dog?
      Jeremy: You heard me!
      Jay: YES! (cut to Jay marching down the street to Alice's building) Seize the dog. Seize the dog. (picks up a dog; in same vocal inflections) This can't be right. This can't be right.
    • After Jay plays the accordion to thwart Cyrus:
      Jay: (To Alice) Look, I don't know what this looks like to you. I've lost my ability to tell between what's cute and what's idiotic.
  • One of the first Couch Gags:
    Gene Shalit: (phoning Jay in the opening credits) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window!
    • In another couch gag, Jay is showing a clip parodying the James Bond movies, with a suave secret agent in a tuxedo riding a jet ski with a beautiful young woman...until a large wave knocks off his toupee and dentures, revealing him to be a lecherous old man note . The terrified girl screams and jumps in the water.
  • In a scene from The Bodyguard 2:
    (Kevin Costner is simultaneously carrying The Three Tenors in his arms, trying to keep his balance while he carries them out the back door of a theatre)
    Three Tenors: (singing) Weeeee-HEE-heeeee-HEE-heeee will always love yoooooooooou!
    (Costner suddenly falls, and the weight of the three causes his back to break)
    Luciano Pavarotti: Boy, this guy can't carry a tune.
    (All three tenors laugh)
    Luciano Pavarotti: (seriously) Hey fellas, (lays handkerchief on Costner's face) I think he's dead.
    (All three tenors laugh)
  • A scene from Jurassic Park 2: Revenge of the Raptors (the actual sequel was released three years after the episode):
    Richard Attenborough: You may have us, but you'll never get off the island!
    Raptor: (speaking in an English accent, holding a pipe) I beg to differ. For you see, the other Raptors and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd-jobs under the name "Mr. Pilkington." But perhaps I've said too much... (smokes pipe)
  • Any time Orson Welles shows up.
    • For example:
      Orson Welles: Hello, I'm Orson Welles. What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of magic, mystery -
      Lawyer: Mr. Welles, this is a video will.
      Orson Welles: What? Look, I don't need to do this, I've got a fish stick commercial in an hour. (Walks away but then comes back) Oh what the hell, I need the money. (Sits back down) What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of probate, beneficiaries, and GOBLINS!
      Lawyer: Mr. Welles!
      Orson Welles: Fine, fine, no goblins. I give you ... THE LIVING WILL! (Laughs evilly)
    • As well as:
      Orson Welles: And remember, there is no fish stick like Mrs. Pell's.
      Lawyer: (Off-screen) This isn't a commercial.
      Orson Welles: I know, that was just a declaration of love. (Eats one) Yes. Oh, yes! They're even better raw!
    • Later, his ghost appears to Margo:
      Orson Welles: Yes, they're alive. But I have gone to a better place. A place filled with Mrs. Pell's fishsticks! (eats them) Yes, oh, yes! They're even better when you're dead!
    • And who can forget green pea-ness?
      Orson Welles: Rosebud. Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness ... Wait, that's terrible! I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Takes a handful and pops a few in his mouth.) Oh, what luck! There's a French fry stuck in my beard! (Eats) Oh yeah.
    • Blotto's Wine.
      Orson Welles: A rich, full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And now, for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (glug, glug, glug)
  • Jay reviews Barney: The Motion Picture, starring one of America's best actors:
    Marlon Brando: This is so humiliating. You know I had to lose a hundred pounds to play a dinosaur? Canít even see through the eyeholes on this thing. (crashes into a wall) Whoa! (and falls over, grunting)
    Kid: Hey, Barney's being funny!
    Brando: No I'm not. I don't do comedy. Not since The Freshman, that piece of crap. I don't know what I was thinking making that picture, let me tell ya.
  • "Cookie Puss, I will eat your soul!"
  • When Jeremy played a US President.
    19th Century Terrorist: Who are you?
    Jeremy: My name's Monroe. James Monroe. And here's a taste of The Monroe Doctrine.
    (karate chop!)
    Jeremy: (to Bond Girl) Welcome to the Era of Good Feelings.
    Bond Girl: Oh, James!
  • Franklin the Sailor Man. Supposedly, this is one of his more accurate memories.
  • All the scenes with Dudley Moore.
  • Jay and Marty play Escape from the Big Apple.
    Marty: Hurry up Dad, you've only got ten seconds to get to Long Island!
    Jay: Uh-oh, Yankee Stadium is emptying out!
    Marty: (As character gets attacked by crowd) And it's Nickel Beer Day! (Character jumps over crowd)
    Jay: Oh no, the Reverend Al Sharpton!
    Al Sharpton: Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah—-(Character withers away to a skeleton, then to dust and "Game Over" appears)
  • Milton Berle's appearance in the final episode.
  • The numerous "horrified realisation" gags. For example, from "A Song for Margo":
    Jay: (Getting dinner from the fridge) What's that sulfur smell coming from the egg bin? Oh, it must be the eggs have ripened. Wait a minute ... Eggs don't ripen! EGGS DON'T RIPEN! (Monstrous chickens hatch from the eggs, causing Jay to slam the refrigerator door shut.)
  • "Frankie and Ellie Get Lost" is a goldmine of hilarity.
    • Another "horrified realisation" joke: Penguins can't fly!
      Franklin: A penguin! (Grabs bottle of Johnny Swagger brand alcohol) And he's been drinking! Wait a minute ... Penguins can't fly! PENGUINS CAN'T FLY! (Plane goes down)
    • Margo is listening to the black box from the plane, and hears the following exchange:
      Franklin: Help! Our plane's going down, and our pilot's a penguin!
      Penguin: Wak-wak-wak!
      Franklin: No I will not "pray with you"!
    • After creating a hut, Franklin made a signal fire that spells out "NEED RUM". The funniest part? The pilot of a passing plane notices this and presses the "Rumdrop" button, which, well, drops a bottle of rum, which has its own parachute.
    • In their video will, Franklin reveals that, when Jay was a child, he dropped him on his head ... for a whole day!
    • Jay, the beneficiary of Franklin and Eleanor's estate, goes on a tour of the various Sherman-owned industries. They're all various evil industries, including a cigarette company that markets to children. The executive shows Jay and Alice an episode of Humphrey where the title character says, "Hey kids, have you been smokin' like I asked you to?" Then a little girl with a really hoarse voice (provided by Doris Grau) replies, "Yeah, I'm up to four packs a day!" Humphrey tells the kids what happens when they get a lung removed: They get ice cream! All the kids cheer, although the little girl coughs pretty heavily before she can croak out, "Yay!"
    • When the Corrupt Corporate Executive of the factory finds out he's being shut down:
      Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?
      Jay: You're a bad man.
      Executive: Hey, if it's a crime to encourage children to smoke and have sex, then lock me up.
      (Gilligan Cut to him locked up in the back of a police van)
      Executive: (dejected) I need a hug.
  • Duke promised to pay $100 to anyone Jay couldn't make laugh within a month ... and a legion shows up at Duke's building to collect, including Jay's parents.
    Jay: Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh?
    Franklin: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
    Eleanor: No, Franklin, that was the Road Runner.
    Jay: (Shamefully) No, that was me.
    • And how does Duke get out of having to pay this? Jay's Goofy Print Underwear (in this case, "Rear Window").
    • The song the crowd of people suing Duke sings, to the tune of "Take Me Out the Ballgame", since the class action suit had so many people that the judge housed it an La Coy Stadium.
      Crowd: We're all suing Jay Sherrr-man, we want damages too! We're going to take him for every nickel...
      Jay (to Duke): You're the reason that we're in this pickle!
      Duke: Shut up!
  • When Duke breaks down crying on Coming Attractions.
    Male TV Announcer: (talking fast-paced) Viewer Disclaimer: Duke Phillips is not himself. He has been mixing NyQuil and DayQuil.
  • When Doris lies and convinces Duke that she was the Southern Belle from his costume ball:
    Jay: Duke, this is crazy. She's not from the South.
    Doris: I'm from Alabama.
    Duke: Mobile?
    Doris: Just barely.
    (later that night at Duke's mansion)
    Jay: Doris, you are not from the South.
    Doris: I told you, I'm from Alabama.
    Duke: Tuscaloosa?
    Doris: No, I use Denture Grip.
    (later, when Miranda finally reveals herself, after refusing to meet him because she had a single crow's foot)
    Miranda: You don't mind my wrinkle?
    Duke: Hey, I was going to marry her and she's nothing but wrinkles. Her whole body looks like Reagan's neck.
    Doris: (dully annoyed) Good one, Duke.
  • Jay shows a clip of his "legendary" interview with Cher. Nothing but fifteen seconds of bleeped out curse words.
    Cher: (as Jay looks at her disconcerted) You no good [Censor Bleep]! [Censor Bleep] you, you piece of [Censor Bleep]! Kiss my white feminine toned and tattooed [Censor Bleep x4]!
    Jay: (after clip ends) A very classy lady.
  • Anytime Jay's stomach talks.
  • Duke trying to make Jay aggressively plug Webster on his show:
    "Jay, ya gotta help me; I thought I was buying Diff'rent Strokes!"
  • In "Marathon Mensch," two movie employers in Hollywood celebrate over The New York Chronicle reporting Jay missing and feared dead while running in the New York marathon.
    Female Movie Executive: Woo hoo! Sherman's gone!
    Male Movie Executive: Let's release that unwatchable Steve Guttenberg movie, quick!
    Female Movie Executive: Uh... which one?
  • Duke's soft-serve ice cream maker.
    Jay: Could this possibly be any more disgusting?
    Duke: You should see the muffin shooter.
  • From the episode "Dukerella":
    • Jay and Alice dressed up as Homer and Marge Simpson for Duke's costume ball.
      Alice: Jay, where'd you park?
      Jay: I left my car with the valet.
      Alice: There's no valet!
      Jay: D'OH!
    • A few moments later
      Jay: Hello, Duke...
      Duke: What are you dressed as? The Bald Gay Man?
      Jay: (Sarcastically) Yes, that's it. The Bald Gay Man.
      Duke: Attention everybody! We have a winner for the best costume. Jay Sherman as the Bald Gay Man! All you other Bald Gay Men can go home!
      (Cue several actual bald, gay men angrily murmuring as they storm off)
    • Also at the party, after Franklin transforms into The Mask and behaves erratically:
      Eleanor: Oh dear. This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral.
  • In "Dial M For Mother", after getting test audience feedback, Jay is apparently worse than Hitler.
    Duke Phillips: No, not worse, just less warm and cuddly.
    • In the same scene, two teenagers in a focus group visit the station:
    Male teen: You know, that dude with the mustache is really gnarly!
    Female teen: Is he in a band?
    Jay: That's Adolf Hitler! Don't you recognize him?!
    Male teen: Oh right, he played the mailman on Cheers. Heh.
  • Jay reviews Rabbi, P.I, starring Ahnold. The movie is about a cop who goes undercover as a rabbi.
    Jay: Because I love you people, I won't force you to watch the musical number. Well, maybe just a little.
    Ahnold: (Singing) Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel! I made you out of clay!
    • The joke is revisited in the final episode:
    Jay: Arnold specifically asked me not to show the clip of his musical number. So here it is! (same clip plays)
    • And immediately after the clip, Jay announces that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the next guest. But he doesn't come through the door. A skinny, nebbish man comes out and says, "Arnold's not coming. You made him cry." and leaves. Jay improvises: "Uh... Arnold Schwarzenegger, everybody! Wasn't he great??"
  • After Prince Charles is thrown out of a preschool:
    Prince Charles: I'll have your heads for this!
    Guard: Who died and made you king?
    Prince Charles: (sniffing) Nobody.
  • From the episode "Miserable":
    • Before going inside Jay's demented fan's house, Jeremy first buys a gun from a soda machine that sells guns.
    • There's also Jay's failed billboard.
      Jay: Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!
    • The Jay Sherman Video Tape Rewinder sound. "ACKEM!!!"
    • When Jeremy pulls the gun on the kidnapper.
      Jay: Jeremy wait, you don't know how to use that!
      Jeremy: Jay it's a gun, not a bloody Xerox machine!
    • The talking bookstand in Jay's likeness is used to knock out Jay's kidnapper, but then...:
      Jay Bookstand: Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my boo- (Jeremy shoots its head)
      Jeremy: (To Jay) Sorry, it had to be done.
      Jay: Why? All he said was "Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!" (Jeremy points his gun at him) I'll be quiet.
    • Jeremy watches one of his movies, which features him kicking in the door and brandishing a bazooka:
    Hawke: So you're the nine liberal judges who outlawed unreasonable search and seizure.
    Supreme Court Judge: Souter made us do it! (All point to Souter, who gives a smirk)
    Hawke: You better lock the doors, 'cause we'll be rewriting some laws tonight!
  • The clip of Beverly Hills Robo K9 Cop and a Half 2:
    Police Chief: Listen Callahan, your partners have a way of dying on you. So I got you a new rookie fresh from the academy.
    Rookie: Hi. (Explodes)
    Callahan: That's a new one on me.
    Police Chief: Alright, Callahan, I've got some new partners for you: a woman, a cute little kid, an ugly old dog, a dinosaur, and a leprechaun.
    Leprechaun: I'll be your lucky charm! (Explodes)
    • Inside Callahan's car.
      Callahan: Now look, you don't like me and I don't like you. But we're in this together. Any questions?
      Kid: Can I go potty?
      Callahan: For the last time, no!
    • Later, Arnold Schwarzenegger appears...while they are at a truck stop restroom.
      Arnold: You think you've got problems? I'm partnered with a pig, an alien, Siamese twins, a sofa, and a second-rate mime.
      Mime: Hey, I'm stuck in a box! I can't get- (Explodes)
  • When Alice meets Jay's ex-wife Ardeth for the first time, Ardeth proceeds to give Alice several spooky warnings before Jay reminds her the divorce judge told her she couldn't do that. Ardeth then pulls out a skull-tipped staff and starts shaking it before Jay says "and no hexes, either!"
  • From "L.A. Jay":
    Jay: Our last film tonight stars Al Pacino in Scent of a Jackass
    Slade: Hoo-hah! Charlie, you pimply little preppie, I'm going to kill myself.
    Charlie: Good!
    Slade: I mean it, you MTV-watching mama's boy. I'm gonna pull the trigger.
    Charlie: Fine, if it'll shut you up.
    Slade: You're going to miss my "hoo-hah", my tangoing, my blind driving, my "hoo-hah"...
    Charlie: You said that already!
    Slade: I say that a lot. Hoo-hah!
    Jay: Talk about overusing a Catch Phrase! HOTCHIE MOTCHIE! It stinks!
  • Jay returns to his old job at the end of "Uneasy Rider"; Duke immediately gives it back to him, claiming he can't stand Rex Reed any longer.
    Rex Reed: (singing) Yuuuuum-my, yummy yum yum!
    Duke: He doesn't review movies; he just sits there singing that stupid song! Every time he does, I have to pay some Navajo fifty bucks!
  • The Ted Kennedy cameos, both Young Ted Kennedy at Franklin and Eleanor's wedding in '55, and "present day" Ted Kennedy appearing at a square dance hosted by the Shermans.
    Ted: I, er, didn't come here with pants, and I'm not leaving with pants!
  • The Jay Sherman Roach Spray, which just makes the roaches look like Jay Sherman. And they constantly cough "Ach-um Ach-um Ach-um!"
  • In "Sherman of Arabia":
    • When Jay sends Duke a message via rat to help him get out of prison in Baghdad, Duke just throws the rat into a bin titled "Rats from Jay", revealing that Jay had sent him other rats over the years, all of them having a message attached and unread.
      Duke: (Sorting through his mail) Junk mail, junk mail, junk mail, rat from Jay.
    • When a helicopter comes to rescue Jay from the prison camp but can't hoist him out.
      Chopper's pilot: I don't get it, this thing's supposed to lift a tank.
      Jay: Could you speak a little louder? I think a couple of guys in Jordan didn't hear you!
      Off-screen voice: Yes, we did!
    • The newspaper headline that outright states that George Bush Sr. lost re-election because of a photo of him shaking hands with Jay after the latter's successfull escape from Gulf War Iraq, due to film critics being "the most despised profession there is - except for pre-op groin shaver." The headline: "Bush Loses!" Made even better by the sub-headline: "Fat, Lecherous Hillbilly Elected."
  • "Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice":
    • Jay listening to his answering machine:
      Gene Siskel: Hey, Jay! It's Gene Siskel. I've decided I'd like YOU to be my partner. Let me know if you're game so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.
      Roger Ebert: Jay, it's Roger Ebert. How'd you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.
      Rex Reed: Jay, it's Rex Reed. I don't care if you got the job. I've got a NEW partner. (monkey screeches) That's right, Pauline Kael!
    • The opening scene from Soft Copy's look back at the start of Siskel and Ebert's careers. Two kids are watching the original Mickey Mouse Club.
      Narrator: "It is the 1950s. Americans are finding Communists everywhere."
      (Boy dances in) "I'm Bobby!"
      (Girl dances in) "I'm Anette!"
      (A grown man with a bushy moustache dances in) "I am Igor Theodorvich Kropotki- I mean... Skippy!"
    • Soft Copy goes on to report that two TV movies were made about the split of Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert. This scene is from the FOX version.
      "Booty booty booty! YEEEEAAAAH BOY-EEEEEE!"
    • We are treated to a flashback of Jay interviewing Willy Wonka:
      Jay: So tell us about your film, Mr. Wonka.
      Willy: We have a fascinating kind of candy that turns wicked children into giant blueberries. Hm, where did it go?
      Jay: (suddenly puffed up like a blueberry) I have no idea.
      (Jay's falls onto the floor after his chair breaks. Duke then walks on-stage)
      Duke: (as he rolls Jay away) Son, you've got a date with Mr. Smucker.
    • After the episode, Siskel and Ebert review the episode, saying it didn't make much sense. At that moment, Blueberry!Jay rolls by happily. At that point, both of them adopt a Screw This, I'm Outta Here! attitude and leave.
  • Jay tries to use a thigh master.
    Jay: Nobody called about my script... Maybe a little exercise will take my mind off it.
    (The thighmaster violently reopens, forcing Jays leg into a split position, causing Jay to scream in pain)
  • From A Few More Good Men, starring Christian Slater and William Devane:
    Christian Slater (as Kaffee): I want the truth!
    Jack Nicholson (as Jessup): You can't handle the truth!
    Christian Slater: I can handle the truth!
    Jack Nicholson: The truth is, you talk like me, you act like me, you don't have an original bone in your body.
    Christian Slater: That's a freakin' lie!
    Judge: Could the stenographer read that last part back?
    William Devane: What am I, a freakin' mynah bird?
  • "From Chunk to Hunk":
    • Marty is told he needs to go into remedial gym. The principal opens the door to the classroom, and we hear pained groans coming from inside, at which the principal remarks, "Oh, no, that's remedial choir."
    • The exorcism camp.
      Camp leader: Sound off.
      Children: (moaning while their heads spin around)
      Camp leader: Sound off.
      Children: (more moaning/head spinning)
    • Another "delayed realisation" gag:
      Jay: (During his review of The Cockroach King) The only good thing about this film were the edible chocolate roaches they gave out. (Eats one) Mm-mmm!
      (The "chocolate" roaches suddenly crawl away)
      Jay: Wait a minute ... Edible roaches don't crawl! EDIBLE ROACHES DON'T CRAAAAWWWWLLLL!
    • He does this again while mentioning how he sat through all of William Shatner movies, including Kingdom of the Spiders
    Jay: Altough they did give out these edible chocolate spiders! *the spiders crawl away and Jay groans in disgust*
  • Ross Perot and James Stockdale as pizza deliverymen.
    Perot: If we don't deliver this pizza in thirty minutes, it's free! What's the hold-up?
    Stockdale: Grrrrridlock! ''(cut to the two stuck in traffic)
  • This scene:
    Exec: There he is, my favorite critic! (shakes the critic's hand and slips him a bill) This time we really need something catchy for the ads.
    Bribed Critic: How's this? "This movie is so good, it made Hud look like C.H.U.D., and I loved C.H.U.D.!"
    Exec: (whispering) I... LOVE it.
    Jay: You haven't even seen the movie yet! I'm going to report you to the National Film Critic's Association.
    Bribed Critic: (unconcerned) Uh-huh. They're over there, by the free buffet.
    Caterer: Uh, excuse me, folks, this buffet is just for Roger Ebert.
  • The episode "All The Duke's Men" is just crammed full of these.
    • Duke's inexplicable Irish bashing in his presidential campaign, including a poster of him kicking a leprechaun with the caption "Irish Suck".
    • Duke asking his campaign workers to sell people his book series History Of Western Meat when they call.
      Duke: The first volume, Pressed Ham, is free for 30 days.
      Jay: And the cover's made of pressed ham!
      Duke: No it's not!
      Jay: Oh... (shrugs and takes a bite out of it anyway)
    • In the B-plot, Marty, as newly elected class president, attempts to finish his class homecoming float by himself. It was supposed to be a man on horseback, but just ends up being a giant horse's ass. Which is then accidently set on fire during the parade.
    • Eleanor trying to help Jay decide if he should fire his father from the campaign or not.
      Eleanor: Jay, sit on my lap. (crushing noise) Jay, get off my lap!
    • Franklin's opening speech as Duke's running mate.
      Franklin: As the first black female head of the Ku Klux Klan, I'd just like to say AMERICA STINKS!
      Duke: This may hurt us more than it helps us.
    • This:
      Reporter: Welcome to the 1996 Vice Presidential Debate. Now, since this is so boring and pointless, we will periodically be showing clips from Baywatch.
      Woman: Help, help! An octopus stole my bikini top!
      Mitch: I'll get it, but first, I better put on my octopus repellant. (slathers it on his chest seductively) Ooh, oh yeah, that's goood octopus repellant.
    • Duke responding to an unwelcome question from a reporter.
    Reporter: Mr Phillips, what do you say to those who claim this is just an outrageous publicity stunt?
    'Reporter: How may I serve you, evil one?
    • Jay later brings this up.
    Jay: I'm not sure I like the direction of our campaign. The fake marriage, the unmwarranted Irish bashing, the use of the eeeeeevil eeeeyes...
    • Apocalypse WOW.
    • ...VOTE FOR DUKE!!!
      Jay: (Annoyed) Get that off my show.
    • Duke Phillips shows off his political "skills" after Jay quits as his speechwriter.
      Duke: I'm Duke Phillips, and from now on I'm speaking my own mind. First, I'll tell you what I'm really gonna do as president. I'll run this country like I run my company. I'm gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the ocean, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.
      Ronald Reagan: (watching Duke on TV with Nancy Reagan) Ooh! Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.
      Duke: Half of you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about! California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England.
      Queen Elizabeth II: (watching Duke on TV) Eww, I don't want that.
      Prince Charles: (comes in with a tray of tea) MORE POISON!? I MEAN, TEA!?
      Queen Elizabeth II: Ah, don't mind if I do. (looks in the cup) You almost had me there. (whacks him over the head with her scepter, knocking him unconscious)
      Duke: Well, that's my speech. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on some leather and go get spanked. (gets on his horse) Vote for Duke. Good night. (rides off)
  • From "Eyes On the Prize":
    • Jay reminiscing about the first time he won the Pulitzer Prize.
      Jay: (dancing in a disco, complete with a 70s polyester suit) I'm a maniac, maaaaniaaaac on the floor! And I'm dancing like I never danced before! (he accidently stomps through the glass floor, then turns to an attractive woman, showing off his Pultizer hanging around his neck in a chain) Hey baby! Know what this is?
      Woman: Your dog tags from the Battle of the Nerds?!
      Jay: (sadly) You're mean...
    • Duke tells Jay that he's starting to repeat himself and shows a three-split screen video as proof:
      Jay: (section 1, from 1988) Rain Man (section 2, from 1992) A Few Good Men (section 3, from 1993) The Firm (all together) is the latest stinker from Tom Cruise. He doesn't act anymore, he's on ... Cruise Control! AAAAAAHAHAHA! AAAAAAHA! I JUST ... I JUST! MADE THAT! UP!
    • Jay's party celebrating his 1000th episode flops, but a woman turns up, claiming she's the head of the Sherman fanclub... then asks him to sing the theme from Here Comes the Brides.
      Duke: Wait a minute, you think he's Bobby Sherman!
    • Jay as a frontman for English for Cab Drivers:
      Jay: Hello, I'm Jay Sherman. This morning on English For Cab Drivers, I was going to teach you how to say "He was already dead when I hit him."
    • At the Pulitzer Prize ceremony, the host mentions the following:
      Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!
  • In "Dial M For Mother", the day after Jay berates his mom on national TV:
    Richard Nixon: (at the next table) Excuse me. I seem to have lost my appetite. My mother was a SAINT!!
    Jay: Yes, I'm sure she was unimpeachable. (Nixon grumbles and walks away)
    • In the same episode, Geraldo Rivera's conversation with Franklin:
    Geraldo: Frank, my name is Geraldo. Can you say Geraldo?
    Franklin: Raldo!
    Geraldo: Good. Do you mind if we talk?
    Franklin: The time for talk is passed. Now is the time for action!
    Geraldo: ...I understand you can say your name backwards. Is that true?
    Franklin: Nilknarf!
    Geraldo: What's your favorite food in the whole, wide world?
    Franklin: Nilknarf!
  • Jay's brief stint as a trucker is mainly memorable for the fact that his 'How's my Driving?' bumper sticker gave the number of his car phone.
    Jay (answering phone): Hello! Are you dissatisfied with Mr. Sherman's driving? (twiddling the wheel) Is he swerving back and forth? (pumping the brakes) Is he making sudden stops and starts? (rolls down the window, cup in hand) Is he throwing a vanilla shake at you??
  • In "Lady Hawke":
    Duke: I know that Olivia chick. She gave me the wildest night of my life. Then, when I woke up, she was gone. She didn't even stay to cuddle! (cries)
    Doris: I'd never walk out on you. (growls seductively, but her dentures fall out) ...That wasn't very sexy, was it? (Duke shakes his head)
  • In "A Song For Margo", Eleanor wants to hire a new butler after their old one jumped ship for Johnny Wrath's. This leads to Franklin dressing as Mrs. Doubtfire:
    Franklin: (falsetto) Hello, I'm Mrs. Doubtfranklin. Watch me lose my false teeth, and set my bosoms on fire!
    Eleanor: Oh, Franklin, you're not fooling anybody.
    Franklin: (normal voice) Oh, I'm sorry dear. I just did this because I wanted to see the children.
    Eleanor: You can see them anytime.
    Franklin: Well who wants to do that?!

The webisodes:

  • In the first webisode, Jay recalls how, between his stint on Fox and this episode, he was briefly Regis Philbin's co-host on Regis and Kathie Lee.
    Regis: You call that a sidekick? I wanted a middle-aged woman with big knobs! (to henchmen) Take him out back, mess him up.
  • In the second webisode, the Mission: Impossible II parody. Specifically, how Tom Cruise can take giant tank artillery to the chest (it bounces right off) and can run through machine gun fire without getting hit. Then he flips his hair and gives his trademark smile to the camera. The caricature is just fantastic.
    • Also, this bit, referencing Anthony Hopkins's role as Commander Swanbeck:
      Swanbeck: Mister Hunt, your mission is to find a deadly virus while engaging in a maximum of daring-do. Can I have my money now?
      Hunt: No.
      Swanbeck: To help you, I'm assigning you three partners who will sit around... and do nothing. Can I have my money NOW?
      Hunt: No!
  • The third Webisode had a genuinely funny bit of Pikachu being outed by Jay, and when his sexy makeup lady walks out on him, Pikachu returns and hits on Jay.
  • The fifth webisode had Jay do an Oscar special.
    "Tonight, we pay tribute to the Oscars, a spectacle based on the fallacious premise that each year Hollywood has a best picture. Who could forget greats like E.T, Citizen Kane or Raging Bull? The Oscars, that's who! They all lost, but let's look at some of the crap that won—starting with Out of Africa."
    • The clip of On the Waterfront, which Jay calls "the greatest scene in Oscar history":
      Terry: I coulda been somebody. I Coulda Been a Contender. Instead, I'm gonna make a lot of bad movies, then have a comeback in The Seventies, and let an Indian accept my award. Then I'll make more bad movies, and get really fat, and kiss Larry King on the mouth.
      Charley: I can't take it anymore! (leaves the car)
      Terry: Hey, where ya goin'?! The car's still movin'! Oh well. Take me to Krispy Kreme.
    • The Jay Sherman Dancers consists of just one old, fat woman doing a kick.
    Jay: (annoyed) What do you want? It's the internet; we've got no budget!
  • In the ninth webisode, the parody of Death of a Salesman with the cast of Seinfeld:
    Jerry: Biff, where are my sons? And why do they have names like laundry detergents??
    (Kramer does his trademark entrance; George also enters)
    George: I tried out for the football team; you know what they told me? I'll tell you what they told me: Too Jewish!
    Jay: (in audience) There's such a thing as too Jewish??
    • Also: The Broadway version of The Graduate, with the part of Mrs. Robinson played by Jon Lovitz. Everyone is grossed out when Lovitz enters the scene nude ("Benjamin, don't go. I know you want me."), except for Jay:
    Jay: Wow, everything's big on him, except his ego!