History Funny / TheCritic

18th Aug '16 11:54:24 AM Qicetrini
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Added DiffLines:

-->'''Milton Berle:''' ''(reads from his book "More of the Best of Milton Berle's Private Joke File")'' Here's a gag for you, Jay. "I saw a movie that was so bad, people were waiting in line to get ''out''."
18th Aug '16 11:35:17 AM Qicetrini
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--> '''"Prometheus Sherman" (Jays character):''' ''(sits in a meditation pose inside a toy car racing track)'' I am Prometheus Sherman, the last man on Earth... so alone...so ''alone''... '''SO ALONE'''!! ''(begins to weep)''

to:

--> '''"Prometheus Sherman" (Jays (Jay's character):''' ''(sits in a meditation pose inside a toy car racing track)'' I am Prometheus Sherman, the last man on Earth... so alone...so ''alone''... '''SO ALONE'''!! ''(begins to weep)''



--> '''Woman In Wedding Dress:''' ''(walks into Shermans room only to see him hanging from a noose)'' [[BadBadActing My darling, I've always loved- oh no, Promotheus!]]
--> '''Jay:''' ''(offscreen)'' ''Prometheus!'' ''(cue end)''

to:

-->''(a woman in a wedding dress and holding a bouquet walks into Sherman's room only to see him hanging from a noose)''
--> '''Woman In Wedding Dress:''' ''(walks into Shermans room only to see him hanging from a noose)'' [[BadBadActing ''([[BadBadActing in an unfeeling, monotone voice]])'' My darling, I've always loved- loved - oh no, Promotheus!]]
Promotheus.
--> '''Jay:''' ''(offscreen)'' ''Prometheus!'' Pro''me''theus! ''(cue end)''
18th Aug '16 11:24:00 AM Qicetrini
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* In the sixth webisode, after Jay reluctantly leaves Jennifer's apartment.
-->'''Jennifer:''' ''(to the audience)'' To all of you women out there on the internet, which is about three of you, I just like to say that there is a wonderful guy out there who truly respects you.\\
''(Jay re-appears)''\\
'''Jay:''' ''(in a suggestive tone)'' Thank you. Now what if I come back with a cookie or something? Would ''that'' count as a second date?\\
'''Jennifer:''' You touched my heart, and now you're ruining it.\\
'''Jay:''' ''(annoyed)'' All right!

to:

* In the sixth webisode, after Jay reluctantly leaves Jennifer's apartment.
-->'''Jennifer:''' ''(to
Jennifer looks at the audience)'' To all audience to talk to "all of you women out there on the internet, which internet," but then assumes "which is about three of you, I just like to say that there is a wonderful guy out there who truly respects you.\\
''(Jay re-appears)''\\
'''Jay:''' ''(in a suggestive tone)'' Thank you. Now what if I come back with a cookie or something? Would ''that'' count as a second date?\\
'''Jennifer:''' You touched my heart, and now you're ruining it.\\
'''Jay:''' ''(annoyed)'' All right!
"
18th Aug '16 11:12:39 AM Qicetrini
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Added DiffLines:

* In the sixth webisode, after Jay reluctantly leaves Jennifer's apartment.
-->'''Jennifer:''' ''(to the audience)'' To all of you women out there on the internet, which is about three of you, I just like to say that there is a wonderful guy out there who truly respects you.\\
''(Jay re-appears)''\\
'''Jay:''' ''(in a suggestive tone)'' Thank you. Now what if I come back with a cookie or something? Would ''that'' count as a second date?\\
'''Jennifer:''' You touched my heart, and now you're ruining it.\\
'''Jay:''' ''(annoyed)'' All right!
18th Aug '16 10:54:31 AM Qicetrini
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'''Vlada:''' ''(sadly picks up the phone)'' Tell Vlada Jr. no Harvard.\\

to:

'''Vlada:''' ''(sadly picks ''(picks up the phone)'' phone in disappointment)'' Tell Vlada Jr. no Harvard.\\



'''Vlada:''' ''(despairingly back to phone)'' Pull the plug on Mama.

to:

'''Vlada:''' ''(despairingly ''(sadly back to phone)'' Pull the plug on Mama.



* During the marathon, an exhausted Jay collapses right onto a ChalkOutline. The detective approaches and says, "Judging by the smell, he's been dead for hours." Jay gets up and tells him, "I've been declared dead by people more competent than ''you''."

to:

* During the marathon, an exhausted Jay collapses right onto a ChalkOutline. The detective coroner approaches and says, "Judging by "From the smell, stench, it's obvious he's been dead for hours.several hours. The deceased appears to be about seventy years old." Jay gets up and tells him, "I've been declared dead by people more competent better coroners than ''you''."
16th Aug '16 1:39:16 PM Qicetrini
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** The Broadway version of ''Film/TheGraduate'', with the part of Mrs. Robinson played by Jon Lovitz. Everyone is grossed out when Lovitz enters the scene nude ("Benjamin, don't go. I know you want me."), except for Jay:
--> '''Jay:''' Wow, everything's big on him, except his ''ego''!



** Also: The Broadway version of ''Film/TheGraduate'', with the part of Mrs. Robinson played by Jon Lovitz. Everyone is grossed out when Lovitz enters the scene nude ("Benjamin, don't go. I know you want me."), except for Jay:
--> '''Jay:''' Wow, everything's big on him, except his ''ego''!
16th Aug '16 1:26:43 PM Qicetrini
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-->'''Jerry:''' Biff, where are my sons? And why do they have names like laundry detergents?? \\

to:

-->'''Jerry:''' Biff, Happy, where are my sons? And why do they have names like laundry detergents?? \\
16th Aug '16 1:04:18 PM Qicetrini
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** Jennifer shows Jay her bedroom, which has her children sleeping in it. Jay asks the viewers at home to vote on what he should do next: "Run like hell", "Tell her I love her", or "Have sex with her anyway, wear two condoms, double-bagged for ''my'' protection". The votes come in: 93% voted for sex. Typical internet.
* In the ninth webisode, Jay and Jennifer see a Broadway play called ''Copenhagen'', a "riveting drama based on the laws of subatomic physics." Cue the show, where one of the actors says "It is ''impossible'' to simultaneously determine the momentum and position of an electron!" Everyone in the audience is asleep.

to:

** Jennifer shows Jay her bedroom, which has her children sleeping in it. Jay asks the viewers at home to vote on what he should do next: "Run "(A) Run like hell", "Tell "(B) Tell her I love her", her, show her my vulnerability", or "Have sex "(C) Sleep with her anyway, wear two condoms, double-bagged for ''my'' protection". protection." The votes come in: 93% voted for sex. Typical internet.
* In the ninth webisode, Jay and Jennifer see a Broadway play called ''Copenhagen'', a "riveting drama based on the laws of subatomic physics." Cue the show, where one of the actors says "It is ''impossible'' to simultaneously determine the angular momentum and position of an electron!" Everyone in the audience is asleep.
16th Aug '16 12:58:53 PM Qicetrini
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--> '''Regis:''' You call ''that'' a sidekick? I wanted a middle-aged woman with big knobs! (to henchmen) Take him out back, mess him up.
** "Oh Jay, you bitch! It's the internet. I can say "bitch"!"

to:

--> '''Regis:''' You call ''that'' a sidekick? I wanted a middle-aged woman with big knobs! (to henchmen) ''(to henchmen)'' Take him out back, out, mess him up.
** "Oh Jay, you bitch! It's the internet. I can say "bitch"!"'bitch!'"



** Jennifer admits that she's reluctant to get in another relationship because after she has sex with a guy, "it becomes so good, they become fixated on me." Jay assures her, "Well with ''me'', it wouldn't be that good."

to:

** Jennifer admits that she's reluctant to get in another relationship because after she has sex with a guy, "it becomes "it's so good, they become fixated on with me." Jay assures her, "Well with ''me'', it wouldn't be that good."



'''John Wayne:''' Yeah, but then you have to listen to her.

to:

'''John Wayne:''' Yeah, but then you have to gotta listen to her.



--> '''Jay:''' Tonight, we pay tribute to the Oscars, a spectacle based on the fallacious premise that each year Hollywood has a best picture. Who could forget greats like ''[[Film/ETTheExtraTerrestrial E.T]]'', ''Film/CitizenKane'' or ''Film/RagingBull''? [[AwardSnub The Oscars, that's who!]] They all lost, but let's look at some of the crap that won--starting with ''Film/OutOfAfrica''.

to:

--> '''Jay:''' Tonight, we pay tribute to the Oscars, a spectacle based on the fallacious premise that each year Hollywood has a best picture. Who could forget greats films like ''Film/RagingBull'', ''[[Film/ETTheExtraTerrestrial E.T]]'', ''Film/CitizenKane'' or ''Film/RagingBull''? ''Film/CitizenKane''? [[AwardSnub The Oscars, that's who!]] They all lost, but let's look at some of the crap that won--starting with won--like ''Film/OutOfAfrica''.



** The Jay Sherman Dancers consists of just one old, fat woman doing a kick.
--> '''Jay:''' ''(annoyed)'' What do you want? It's the internet; we've got no budget!



** The Jay Sherman Dancers consists of just one old, fat woman doing a kick.
--> '''Jay:''' (annoyed) What do you want? It's the internet; we've got no budget!
16th Aug '16 12:44:47 PM Qicetrini
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'''Female Supreme Court Judge''': Souter made us do it! (All point to Souter, who gives a smirk)\\

to:

'''Female Supreme Court Judge''': Souter made us do it! (All ''(All point to Souter, who gives a smirk)\\smirk)''\\
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