Where do we begin....
- Episode 1:
- The end of Episode 9:
Britannian Guard 1: Whoa; whoa, buddy! We can’t let anyone through here; we’ve got reports of drug smugglers in these parts.
Lelouch/One: Aw, come on; please?
Britannian Guard 2: Dude: he said please.
Britannian Guard 1: Aw; he did say please. *to Lelouch* Ah; what the hell. You look like a pretty trustworthy guy. Go on ahead.
Lelouch/One: Well, thank you kindly. *passes*
Britannian Guard 2: ...dude!
Britannian Guard 1: *looks at Britannian Guard 2*
Britannian Guard 2: ...WHERE THE FUCK ARE OUR PIZZA BAGELS?!
- This part of episode 2.
- Episode four: Suzaku's human vuvuzela, and pretty much the whole interrogation scene.
Bite me banana man!
- The opening to Episode 5, its entirety. Can you say "pure crack"?
Narator: Last time!
One: And now evildoers, thou shall be smitted, by my fists of JUSTICE!
Jeremiah: Not this time, Anime Batman! This time, I shall defeat you!
One: Eat this! *Cue live-action explosion*
Kallen: *Singing* I want, you so much, that I, just, can't resist you!
One: Shut up down there! I'm trying to be epic!
Jeremiah: Hah, you fool. I'm still here!
One: Damn! Nothing can defeat him!
Guard 1: Dude, what the hell is going on?
Guard 2: Dude, I never know what's going on.
Kewell: Lord Jeremiah, we have to eliminate him.
Jeremiah: I'm sorry, Lord Kewell, we can't! Because you see... I'm tripping balls right now!
Viletta: It would seem that I'm tripping too!
Kallen: Oh god, I'm tripping balls!
Ohgi: I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing.
One: Oh no. Now I'm tripping balls!
Guard 1: Dude I'm tripping balls.
Gaurd 2: Dude I'm tripping balls.
Suzaku: I'm tripping balls!
Ohgi: Well I feel fine-oh, there it goes.
One: Now I must use my ultimate attack!
Suzaku: Oh no, the ultimate technique!
Suzaku: *Being electrified* —AAAAAAAAAAGH—!
- After Suzaku had come over to Lelouch's house for dinner which happened mostly off-screen in episode six:
Lelouch: That was not eating. I've seen eating; what you did in there was pure chaos!
- Episode 8 (better view the video since spoiler can ruin the punchline) but the scene where Lelouch shoots the japanese commander for a minute and a half.
Correspondent: If only there was some way to stall for time. If only somebody who'd obtained the recent attention of all rebel forces, somebody who'd freed a political prisoner from an armed escort, someone who'd escaped a FULL MILITARY MANHUNT, would help us, in this time of need. Someone...who likes white neckerchiefs.
Kallen: So, what's our next move?
One: I'm thinkin' Disney World...
Ohgi: Yo, shotgun on the room with the hottub!
- And the following skype call (really just footage cut from a Sherlock Holmes interview):
One: Well that's a given
One: Oh, no. You're Iron Man!
Downey, Jr.: —you gotta have a little fight in you.
One: I'll fuck anyone up, I don't give a fuck! I'll kick Jude Law's ass! [Jude Law looks down] Yeah, yeah, keep your head down!
One: Shut your damn mouth, I'm trying to talk to IRON MAN!!! [Jude Law drinks some coffee]. Where'd you get that?! [Jude Law drinks more coffee]. I DEMAND YOU SHARE!!!
One: Well, you can go to hell.
Law: —are those my shoes?
One: I'm not wearing shoes
- Also, the reveal of One's group to the world:
We are the Dark Knights for justice... because, as children, we were nursed on the milk of justice, and, as we grew up, we acquired a taste for justice. Now, as we get older, we once again desire the taste of justice... but we cannot find the milk, so we go to Starbucks, and we get a coffee, but it's not the same thing! IT SUCKS! WHY DID I ORDER THIS?! IT'S TERRIBLE! And, now, you all understand what our mission is. And! What! We! Must! Do!
- The Stinger: Suzaku vs Hotel, round two.
Suzaku: Well, well, well. Hotel! We meet again!
*the hotel fires a laser at Suzaku* note
Suzaku: Oh shit no! *explodes*
- The beginning of episode 9
C.C.: I still don't follow any of this.
Lelouch: Look, it's really simple. I'm the son of the King of Britannia.
C.C.: Then why are you in Japan?
Lelouch: Let me break it down for ya. Every nation belongs to one of three major empires. Britannia, The Chinese Fedaration, Britannia, Sana Mario, Kazakhstan, Britannia, Alderaan, Britannia, Corneria and Britannia.
C.C.: I don't even know why I bothered to ask.
Lelouch: My dad is the current King of Britannia
Charles: This job is bitching good!
Lelouch: With dad being the king and all, one wife wasn't his thing. Unfortunatly, it was only too late he discovered the downside of having too many wives.
Charles: If I've got to watch one more episode of Bridezillas, I'm going to saw my own arm off.
Lelouch: See, me and Nunnally have the same mother—
Lelouch: Nunnally! WE HAVE TO KILL THE TOOTH FAIRY!
Nunnally: Every day I pray I was adopted.
Lelouch: We had a fuck-ton of half brothers and sisters, who all lived with us at dad's place. And my God we were motherlicking adorable. For the most part we tolerated each other. However, we sometimes got on each other's nerves.[Image of young Lelouch and young Nunnally fighting over plate] In my defence, she would not let go of that plate. Of course there was that one half brother...Dah, nevermind. Anyway, one day I went along with dad on a diplomatic trip to Japan. You see, Japan used to be great independent nation, led by a great man. (image of Abraham Lincoln with a gatling gun arm) There was only one flaw. His son.
Suzaku: I can live entirely on a diet of crayons and lighter fluid!
Lelouch: After one tragic slip'n'slide incident, I decided we should return home—[image of young Lelouch with Hair on fire]—only to find that my mom had gone and gotten herself shot.
Marianne: [through hail of bullets] That smarts!
Lelouch: From there I was sent back to Japan, where I thought my father would miss me.
Charles: [Thinking]What was I thinking about just now? Something about Japan.[Out loud] We're taking over Japan. [thinking] Booya!
Lelouch: Meanwhile, Suzaku was determained when he grew up to win the war between Japan and Britannia. Unfortunately, he signed up for the wrong side.
C.C.: Not surprised.
Lelouch: Yes, but what is surprising is that even with Suzaku on their team, the Britannians somehow won, which brings me to today. Long story short, there's some reminants of the underground Japanese army.
Toudoh: If anyone wants a pizza bagel, e-mail me and I'll give you some.
Lelouch: There's still some Britannian soldiers occuping the country.
Guy 1: Dude, you know what I'm thinking?
Both Guys: PIZZA BAGELS!
Lelouch: And finally there's some rebel forces which look up to me after Clovis went and killed himself.
C.C.: I thought you killed him.
Lelouch: Eh, Details.
C.C.: Well, I guess that covers about everything.
Lelouch: Yup, no gapping plotholes at all.
Lelouch: At ALL!
C.C.: But what about your friends? What about Milly, what about Kallen—
Lelouch: NO ONE CARES ABOUT KALLEN!
- After Kallen arrives at Ashford Academy that morning:
Kallen: F**k learning!
Opens the door to the Student Council Room, while Lelouch rants angrily.
Lelouch: I'LL F**KING KILL YOU F**KS! I'LL F**K YOU IN THE ***!
Door opens to reveal Milly, Rival, Shirley, and Suzaku dressed like cats, holding Lelouch down so they can dress him up too.
Kallen: What's going on?
Shirley: We're dressing up like cats.
Lelouch: There is no f**king point. There's never any f**king point!
Rival: I'm a tiger!
The day I snap, you're the first to go.
- Also from episode 9, Jeremiah on drugs:
Viletta: Oh, Jeremiah, thank you for taking me out.
Jeremiah: Woman, I'm hopped up on drugs! I have no idea where I took you!
Viletta: Oh no, you haven't been taking that Refrain again, have you? It's rumored that that's how the Dark Knights are getting their funding.
Jeremiah: Hell no, I'm a real man! PCP all the way!
Viletta: Oh dear....
- The Black Knights score some drugs:
One: WE JUST WANTED TO SCORE SOME DRUGS, NOT KILL THE FEDS!
Mom #1: That stepladder attacked me, but I ***ed it up good!
Kallen: Are you okay?
Mom #1: Bitch, get back in your room. Mommy's about to teach this stepladder a violent lesson in pain.
- When Milly shows up at her house.
Mom #1: Kallen! This whorebasket just showed up for you.
Mom #1: (vase breaks) It attacked me!
- When the Black Knights find a room full of meth addicts.
Kallen: Who are all these people?
Lelouch/One: The users and abusers: people who want to escape their lives because their loved ones are huge let-downs.
Kallen: Mommy! How could I have not seen this?
- Episode 10: Lelouch's conversation with his cousin.
C.C.: Your cousin...is Death the Kid? Death, the guy that reaps souls, who somehow inexplicably had a kid, is your uncle?
Lelouch: On my old man's side.
C.C.: The King of Britannia is brothers with Death?
C.C.: It's official: this shit makes no sense at all.
Lelouch: That's nothing. You should've seen my mom's brother.
Alucard: Don't worry, my bullets will heal you for negative damage.
Alexander Anderson: Hello my good sir, are you satisfied with your current car insurance payments?
(Alucard shoots Anderson, 1-up music plays
, Anderson is healed -1 damage, cut back to Lelouch and Death the Kid)
Kid: Our fucked up family tree aside, I need to ask you a huge favor.
Kid: It's not a big favor, really. I was just wondering if you could stop killing people!
Kid: Oh, don't you start that shit again!
Kid: I'm not going to play this game with you.
Lelouch: Oh my god!
Kid: What is it?
Lelouch: You're in my computer right now!
Lelouch: Don't go messing up my very secure and personal operating system.
Kid: Oh, for the love of god: YOU OWN A LINUX!
Kid: Lelouch, listen to me. You've got to stop killing people!
Lelouch: What? Why?
Kid: Because Dad is tired of reaping all the souls you've killed. You've made everyone work overtime just to keep up with you. You're killing them faster than we can put them away. I think we may have lost a few.
Kid: No one ever knows what you're talking about.
Kid: Seriously, you're killing all the wrong people!
Lelouch: What you're sayin' iiiiis...
Lelouch: That IIIIIII...
Lelouch: Should blow shit up! / Kill all the right people! note
Kid: Yes! Wait, no!
Alucard: Do it!
Lelouch: Doin' it!
- Lelouch shooting himself.
- Episode 11:
C.C. (with a gaping splinter wound in her chest): Please god, let that have just been a terrible nightmare.
Lelouch (Cheery Voice): I made you naked!
C.C.: Damn it.
C.C.: Did that bitch just hiss at me?!
Kallen: WHACHU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
Lelouch: Kallen, KALLEN; let's get one thing straight: ...I WAS GIVIN' HER THE SEX!
- Episode 12 CLASSY:
- The set up for Shirley trying to get Lelouch to go on a date with her:
Shirley: Two-thousand dollar tickets to the opera house, again?! I'm so done with musicals! Thanks for nothing, Dad!
Nina (thinking): F**king white people!
Shirley: I know! I'll ask Lelouch to go with me!
Lelouch (who just walked in): GOD NO!
Millie: There you are! I haven't seen you in ages.
Lelouch (walking past her): Shut up, Millie. No one cares.
Millie: Betcha can't wait to do all that homework you missed. (laughs)
Lelouch (leaving again): Choke on it, Millie!
- And the aftermath of Shirley successfully blackmailing Lelouch into going with her, leading to a very... Squicky expression of joy on her part. One that does not go unnoticed by the Dark Knights later on.
Ohgi: Oh my god, what is that smell?!
Lelouch/One: My credit card got turned down at the laundry-mat today, and yet I'm still positive that this outfit is sterile.
Ohgi: Uh, I don't follow-
Ohgi: Your own urine?
- the moment that led to the scene above is pure hilarity as well.
- Following the "Classy" moment in the opening, and the later follow-up (punctuated by "A Whole New World") which Nunnally accidentally stumbled upon, we get this exchange when Lelouch comes in to tuck her into bed that night:
Lelouch laughs his head off for about 10 seconds.
Lelouch (breathing hard from laughing): Yeah, heh, yeah. (Calmer now) Nunnally, Nunnally, Nunnally. When a woman and a table love each other very much.
Cut to next day as Lelouch walks to class.
Lelouch: It's gonna be a miracle if that girl doesn't grow up to be a psychopath.
- The clean up of the Shatter Mountain incident:
Soldier 1: Yo, dude, this one's still moving.
Viletta (thinking): I hate this goddamn job.
- Episode 13: then as always deadpan reactions to death.
Soldier 1: Dude?
Soldier 2: Yeah buddy?
Soldier 1: (As a submarine flies towards them) Is that a sub?
...yeah, that's a sub. *hit by submarine*
- Or, when they are subverted as in XIII-2:
Soldier 1: Dude?
Soldier 2: Yeah buddy?
Soldier 1: (As a submarine flies towards them) Is that a sub?
No, didn't you read the caption earlier? It's a UVARD.
Cornelia: They just hit us with a UVARD!
Guilford: The fuck is a UVARD?!
- Lelouch stating that he doesn't believe British people exist because he's never seen any and all of the words in the English Dictionary are American. Remember: Lelouch is British in the original series (sort of).
- Lelouch defeating Cornelia:
Lelouch: You may want to buy a blender.
Lelouch: So you can drink it all in.
- Lelouch's recruitment of Diethard in the recut of episode 13:
One (to the Black Knights): You all suck and you're useless. Therefore I'm outsourcing some of your jobs to the Britannians. Everyone meet Diethard.
Diethard: I have no idea how I got roped into this. But I FUCKING love it!
One: Don't worry Diethard. You're a journalist. I'll give you plenty to write about.
Diethard: Man, don't worry about it, I can't write.
One: How can you not love this guy, huh?
Kallen: Well, he's a Britannian for one.
One: Shut up, I make good decisions.
- Lelouch's plan for deciding who brings lunch;
One: Now I don't know who's bringing lunch tomorrow, so everyone cover yourself in oil, I'm gonna light this match, and whoever's the last person to burn wins.
Kallen: Wins what?
One: Being good at burning.
- Lelouch's rant on the train in episode 14:
: I'm not upset! I'm not! This country is upset! With absurd prices! 5 dollars for a meal at McDonald's
?! I need more meat in my diet! I look around and I see just stupid. Quit complaining about religion, NO ONE CARES! Oompa Loompas are murdering themselves! *Oompa Loompa head smashes into train window* Oh boo hoo, you're gay, you're lesbian, you're straight, MY PENIS DOESN'T WORK!!
- When Lelouch and C.C. are looking through Shirley's room for some clue as to her location:
C.C. rifles through Shirley's pantie drawer.
C.C.: You think these would fit me?
Lelouch: Suck my ass woman! (Alt. Text: Or in Romanian "Inhale my goat") We've got some clothes to find!
C.C.: You can suck my ass.
C.C.: Because I found her diary.
Lelouch: Oh yeah? Well look what I fou-NO!
Picks up a lavender-colored box that immediately starts buzzing loudly. Alt. Text: It's a dildo
The box continues to buzz even louder than before.
Lelouch: IT HAS A MIND OF IT'S OWN!!!! Alt. Text: It's black as night.
- Later, when Lelouch is looking for Shirley:
Mao: What do you mean you pooped yourself to death?! *Throw Tamagatchi toy to ground*
Lelouch: You think that's bad. Mine died by eating its own babies. That's not FOOD, Tamagotchi! That's just not FOOD!
- Lelouch lampshading just how ridiculous C.C.'s outfit is.
C.C.: Are you mad?
Mao: Have you seen a girl with green hair and white clothes?
: Eh, she stopped with the whole white clothes thing. Now she looks like a cross between
a French Maid
and a Vietnamese hooker.
- This is followed by a humorous cut (apparently, C.C. makes the same comparison to her outfit)
C.C.: If you give me a ride, then I'll either clean your whole house or have sex with you
Random Guy(in a humorous squeeky voice) : Ha! Sucks for you bitch, my house is really dirty... and I have gonorrhea!
- C.C. and Lelouch's conversation after he recovers from his comatose state.
C.C.: Is that really your response to me saving your life?
Lelouch: How long have you been there?
C.C.: About two days now.
C.C.: Really, are you okay?
Lelouch: ...A gunshot! Sadly, there is no hope of us finding the victim!
(Camera pans downwards to reveal the words "Viletta was here" written in blood.)
C.C.: You do realize that Shirley has just become your greatest threat by unmasking you? First, we need to get you to safety. Ohgi has the mobile command base nearby. I think we should get you there, and you should strategise with your officers.
- Episode 14.5, the crossover with None Piece, is a gold mine of hilarity.
- Lelouch's videophone call with Death the Kid:
Lelouch: *holding a brick of C4 with a digital timer* Sending some assholes your way: to the death dimension!
Kid: Lelouch, I WILL END YOU!!!
Lelouch: Go ahead, try and stop me! I'm CRAZY!
Lelouch: Transmission over! AAAHH-! *headbutts the screen, breaking it*
- Lelouch and Luffy in a helicopter:
Luffy: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO FLY THIS THING!?
Lelouch: I mean I don't really know how to fly this thing. I can't make it any simpler!
Luffy: THEN HOW DID WE GET UP HERE!?
*an alarm starts blaring and a red light flashes*
Luffy: WHAT DID YOU DO!?
*the helicopter immediately crashes into the house and explodes*
- In Episode 15, 2 words: rainbow queef.
- Lelouch wondering what is it with the fucking tiny hats.
- The Sloth picture from the flashback montage that's supposed to be C.C.'s portrait as drawn by child!Mao.
- Lelouch on the phone with tech-support:
Lelouch: Yeah, hi. Uh, I'm having trouble accessing a copy of something I made. It's not downloading from the disk.
Tech-Lady: Do you remember what was on the disk?
Flashback to Lelouch handing the disk to a random mecha-pilot as a distraction.
Lelouch: This CD contains twelve terabytes of pornography!
Computer: Download complete.
Lelouch: I'm gonna have to call you back. ACTUALLY WAIT! ... What're you wearin' right now?
Tech-Lady: Uhhh, a cardigan.
Lelouch: Get off my phone.
- Which in turn, leads to this conversation will Milly:
Milly: So, I, uh, heard you've got twelve terabytes of pornography.
Lelouch: Yeah, but it's mostly Todd Phelps and Michael Bay tryin'a run train on Megan Fox.
Lelouch: Yeah, I tried scheduling some electro-convulsive therapy, but apparently trying to inadvertently wipe your memory to forget the Hangover 3 IS FROWNED UPON! Thanks ECT, you've failed me yet again.
- In a scene where Mao goes to purchase a weapon to kill Lelouch and CC:
Gun store owner:
Maybe they should outlaw chicken penises.
- The rest of the scene is hilarious as well:
Mao: My target's an immortal witch.
Gun store owner: Ah, yes. I remember my ex-wife. I've got a chainsaw in the back.
Mao: Hoho! WHOA! Buddy, buddy! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!.... YES!
- The voice of the guy who the gun store owner shoots is Luffy, who can also be seen in the corner when Shirley shouts about salad forks.
Luffy: AGH! WHY IS THE FLOOR SHOOTING ME!?
C.C: Because you are childish and impulsive.
Mao: (childishly) No!
Mao: Oh I'm sorry, I was just trying to shoot the floor next to your feet- Wait, are you being sarcastic?
C.C: If they handed out medals on planet stupid, you could be an olympian!
* MASS GUNSHOTS *
C.C: You done?
C.C: You'll never get away with this, Mao. I'm friends with Lelouch too, you know. He's probably mounting a rescue as we speak.
Lelouch (still working on the TV): I FRIGGIN PLUGGED IT INTO HDMI!
C.C: Oh god, I'm gonna die.
Lelouch (on the phone): Hey, Ohgi, it's One. How's it goin? Listen is it true dogs have retractable claws, or is that just cats?
Ohgi: Uh, sorry, I can't talk.
Lelouch: I'm your leader, dammit! What's so important you can't talk to me for!?
Ohgi: Uhhh... I found a naked chick in a dumpster!
Viletta (naked): I don't remember being naked!
Ohgi: Her memory's really fuzzy.
Lelouch: Uh, okay. I, uh, I don't know what to say about that.
Viletta: Oh my god it's so cold in here my nipples could cut through diamonds!
Ohgi: I GOTTA GO! *hangs up*
- I don't know what the hell is up with the chipmunk voice of whoever's calling Lelouch but I hope that gag never dies
- The bonus videos are also loaded with moments of hilarity. HD Origins has Suzaku talk about the history of televisions. Hilarity Ensues.
Suzaku: See, Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. He believed that everyone's televisions should compete for the best picture quality.
Lelouch: (to Jeremiah) You believe this?
Jeremiah: I stopped listening months ago.
Lelouch: We've only been out here for like two minutes.
Jeremiah: Yeah, where is 'here' exactly?
Lelouch:...I don't know!
- There's also the video about the trio getting a bunch of fake 'TAC' awards.
Suzaku and Lelouch: HOORAY!
Jeremiah: Okay, that award shouldn't have warranted that particular reaction from you two.
Lelouch: Hey, I'll take them where I can get them.
Jeremiah: Moving on. The 'Burns My Eyeballs Just Watching It' award.
Suzaku and Lelouch: YAAAAY!
Jeremiah: (as the other two continue to cheer in the background) Well, let it never be said that you two can't be optimistic.
- Anything Guilford says. It's a mixture of his voice and his determination to kill anybody. He basically sounds like Tyson before a fight.
"Let me at 'em; I'll f*ck 'em up!"
Nina: "Man I'm hungry. Hey you! Make me a sandwich.
"You know back in Mother Russia
, one sandwich feeds an entire village for 30 days!"
Nina: "I'll feed my foot up your ass for 30 days if you don't feed me!"
- Lelouch's insistence that British people aren't real. note
Lelouch: Have you ever seen a British person? I haven't, so therefore, they don't exist.
C.C.: Just because you haven't met one doesn't mean they don't exist.
Lelouch: (mockingly) Oh my god you guys, British people are real, they're walking around everywhere! (normal voice) They're like the Wolfman! They're not real!
C.C.: You've gotta be kidding me.
C.C.: You're insane!
Lelouch: (knocks her over and straddles her) ILOVEYOU!
- Speaking of nationalities:
One: We're just gonna have to get money the old fashioned American way!
Kallen: We're not in America.
One: By stealing it from old people!
Kallen: We're in Japan.
One: TO THE INTERNET!
- The maddeningly deranged Pursuit of Happiness is nothing but this. It's a crossover between Nullmetal Alchemist, Code Ment, Danganronpa Abridged, None Piece and Soul Whatever, which creates just as much stupidity as you might think. Seriously, it makes the previous crossover sound perfectly sane.
Al: So you mean things might start making sense?
C.C: I wouldn't count on that.
- Early on, Death the Kid appears out of thin air through sheer hate and rage directed at everyone else.
Kid: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!