"In the grim darkness of the 21st century, there is only boredom."
ToyHammer is a Warhammer 40,000Fan Fic written by Rogue Psyker (aka Rogue Vector) (who also wrote Zero Shock) which begins when Michael is dropped off at his home by his friend, only to find that most of his house has been turned into a warzone between the various races of the 40K universe: multiple Space Marine chapters, Imperial Guard regiments, Sisters of Battle, Grey Knights, and the attached elements of the Adeptus Mechanicus, as well as the major xenos factions: Eldar, Tau and Orks. The 'twist' in this is that, for reasons that have only been hinted at to date, all of the armies and their respective weaponry, mecha, and tanks have been shrunk to the size of the miniatures from the game...but their weapons still work just fine.Hilarity Ensues as Michael tries to cope with the miniature freeloaders in his home, and they try to cope with Michael and the concept (not to mention execution) of living peacefully with each other.A mashup of an Elsewhere Fic, Alternate Universe Fic, Crack Fic and slowly approaching Fan Verse with the Omake chapters and the fact that there are absolutely no canon characters used, ToyHammer is another take at the 4chan writefaggotry based around 'Mini-Hammer' style Fan Fics, involving Fun Size 40K characters appearing and running around in Real Life as a 'regular' human (called Terrans to differentiate them from the Fun Size and more numerous humans) and his friends try to cope with things.While initially the fic focused around the interactions between a full-size human having to do riot control over a large number of tiny, armed 40K soldiers, it soon shifts its focus more to the soldiers of the eternal war and their reactions to living a more peaceful life, one that doesn't involve them killing everything else. Christmas traditions, Valentines, co-existing with 'foul xenos' and 'dirty monkeys' are explored.And then, the fun ends (and starts) with Chaos making their rude entrance. The fic's last complete update on 5/21/2012; future updates will appear in pieces on Spacebattles before being posted on FF.net, such as the 3/26/2013 update found here.See Warhammer 40,000 for the tropes from that universe.
The Warp Spider Urual in the first Omake, who managed to teleport himself into the bathing pool full of naked Howling Banshees. Hilarity Ensues.
Michael tends to get hit with this a lot whenever the facet of Zara's psyche that stores all her emotions shows up, since she's got a habit of glomping him and cuddling in a way that's very easy for the rest of Zara's psyche to over-analyze.
Action Girl: A given, considering their origins... and most of the female cast, which is definitely not such a given.
Action Survivor: Michael, Vincent, Alice and Batel...which is rather funny considering that all 4 of them are literal giants (say, Eva-scale) when compared to the miniatures.
Aerith and Bob: Given the mix of races, this is par for the course: normal human names like Alice and Vincent; 40K human variants like Ishabeth, Tomas and Eizak, and of course, Sohm Vekt; Madork Gunna (Ork) and Shas'ui Fi'rios Yon'anuk Eldi'myr (aka Sergeant Talon) (Tau).
Aesop: Do not touch tanks, or their gunners will shoot you. This leads to...
Aesop Amnesia: Vincent is shot by a tank gunner (with 'low setting' on their multi-las) for treating the tank like a toy. He forgets it by the next thought: "Cool, Land Raider."
Affably Evil: The Rose of Slaanesh when attempting to recruit Michael. It goes down exactly the same way you think it does-what with the Rose being a follower of Slaanesh; Too Kinky to Torture AND a Vamp.
All There in the Manual: Several of the the odder characters have descriptions in the author's personal forum on Fanfiction.net. There are also some hints as to what's to come.
And You Were There: Michael has a dream where Zara is his girlfriend, Emma is Zara's baby sister, and many of the Imperial commanders are friends and coworkers. It turns out to be a ruse from the Rose of Slaanesh.
The Atoner: Comes with the job description of being a Penitent Witch for Batel.
Audience Surrogate: This role is passed around between Alice, Michael and Vincent, giving different perspectives and opinions: Alice does not enjoy the fact that there's miniature warriors running around. Vincent is on full out Squee because of it. Michael is trying to deal with it.
Badass Bookworm: Vincent kind of plays this straight, since he's a military otaku with lots of spare time and Youtube. Averts I Just Shot Marvin in the Face because of this. However, Vincent then semi-subverts this since he's not at all fit (A quick run from one side of a parking lot to the other? Exhausting enough to get him mildly out of breath) and gets his ass handed to him by the Daemonhost.
Justicar Amadeus and Canoness Samisha are definitely headed this way. Their parting gesture when about to head into battle? A knuckle tap. Others are starting to form, but whether its an actual couple or not is up to debate.
The Stealthsuit team from the Valentines Omake are a Battle Foursome.
Vincent's first weapon? A can of spaghetti. Followed by a bag of flour, which is then turned into an improvised explosive. Silverite is also this, with his backstory.
Also; given a choice between a lightsaber, a chainsword, a psychic sword, a spear and every other weapon imaginable, what does Michael pick? A fire extinguisher.
Which really came in handy when his opponent started using fire-ball attacks.
Michael, in the Mind War arc, goes beyond the regular summoned small arms that's the local fare, and begins breaking out the laser-linked gatling weapons for crowd control.
Michael even uses himself against The Rose: sneezing on her face as a distraction, biting her tongue when she is trying to kiss him, as well as a list of other solutions to some very...uncomfortable situations.
Contest Winner Cameo: Kinda, since its more 'thanks for a critique', although many characters (such as Trooper Sohm Vekt, Madork Gunna, Miles Henderson and Silverite, to name a few), are actually expanded upon to become AscendedExtras in the omake chapters or in the main plot.
Conveniently an Orphan: Averted, in that while Michael does live alone in a big house, its because of his grandfather's will - his family is still alive and well, with both parents alive.
Cosmic Plaything: Batel's claim to The Woobie status is her being the Chaos Gods' bitch and her father's... uh... plaything. Michael and the rest may or may not be part of a plan of some kind.
It was the strangled, near-panic cry of one of his men, “Brother Timmae“, and it was soon followed by the dakka dakka dakka of Silverite's twin bolters. Of course, that didn't last long until a roaring Ork stopped the firing. A series of crunches and another dakka followed. The Ork's voice was next heard whimpering for mercy.
Justicar Amadeus gnashed his teeth. Near heretical he may be, but Silverite was not a coward nor incompetent.
The named Grey Knights tend to be CMHBs or inverted; the three Grey Knights in Chapter 23 are more Crouching Badass Hidden Morons, since they are extremely badass but with a hint of moron (like feeding a normal human Space Marine-grade alcohol. For them its 'tipsy'. For Michael, its 'almost dead from alcohol poisoning'.)
Although this may also extend into More than Mind Control, if one listens to the Sorcerer's threats in Chapter 20.
Double Entendre: Put to glorious use by the Rose. To note: "She tried to jump on me!" "You could've said you liked being on top."
Demoted to Extra: Poor Necrons, right after their awakening, they're greeted with equivalent of 1.7 kiloton raw C4 explosion inside a giant mining cave the size of starship hangar. Nothing out of the ordinary considering how resilient they are compared to the rest, but still...
Distracted by the Sexy: Zigzagged since Michael does get distracted-as in the fight with not-Zara-but manages to shake himself free with outbursts of activity-voluntarily or otherwise, like sneezing from the Rose's perfume and biting tongue while she's trying to kiss him.
Enemy Mine: In chapter 20, the Orks actually team up with Order to fight the Chaos incursion. The Assault Marine commander even lampshades this, rationalizing that Orks team up with Order because everyone else will be there, while Chaos troops will be only available for a limited time.
Fantastic Racism: Par for the course at the start of the fic, but gradually diminishes as the factions learn to co-exist in Michael's house, and eventually team up for various reasons. They aren't completely comfortable around each other, but they've realized that given the circumstances, it's far better that they all work together.
Fan Verse: ToyHammer, The Enoch File, and Tomas Sturm are all connected. (Commissar Enoch was a classmate of Commissar Tomas Sturm, and the same Tomas is the IG Regimental Commissar in ToyHammer).
Genre Shift: From a whimsical Gag Series to a more serious and Crazy Awesome (but still funny) epic tale that twists the canon while still respecting it, showing us what happens when the more reasonable minds of the Grim Dark future try to co-exist.
Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain: Hilariously done with the Chaos Sorcerer. He's not exactly ineffective at what he does, but you have to feel bad for him when he gets continuously interrupted in the middle of his hammy-as-hell "I'm totally going to kill you" speech by quips from Michael's forces-at one point by a friggin' AXE.
Klatchian Coffee: Literally. Michael is given some Klatchian coffee after experiencing 'Space Marine'-grade alcohol, and then causes some Interface Screw when he stopsusingspaceslikethistoshowhthesideeffectsofthecoffee.
Large Ham: Any and all factions, as gloriously experienced back in the source universe for this story. But the Chaos Sorcerer seems to steal 40 minced-ham pies when he gets pissed off. Michael and Vincent also seem to be growing to enjoy the taste of scenery as well.
I HAVE KILLED MILLIONS! SET WHOLE WORLDS TO THE TORCH! BILLIONS HAVE COWERED BEFORE ME AS I DESTROYED THEIR CHAMPIONS! YET, YOU MOCK ME!?
Lighter and Softer: Very much so in comparison to thesourcematerial. All the human, Eldar, Tau, and even (to some extent) Ork characters seen so far are decent people who actually care about their fellow soldiers and are even willing to ally with xenos once they start getting adjusted to living in Michael's house.
Played for laughs at the end of Chapter 23. Michael has just been dragged off by a Slaaneshi cultist with a heavy rose theme, and promptly whiplashes into absurdity when his nose starts sniffling from his hay-fever.
Continually through chapter 24. Especially when the Rose goes from cheerfully teasing Michael to slitting the throat of a young girl (thankfully it was only a memory mannequin) within the space of two paragraphs.
Morality Pet: Michael may in fact be this for the minis, since there's no other reason to not fight each other than the fact that Michael is around to keep them from doing so. Oh, and this pet's of the 'cat' stereotype with a fire extinguisher.
Mundane Utility: Some of the minis, mostly the various scout units, help Micheal with his day job as an exterminator. Several Omakes focus on this.
My Little Panzer: Played with, the minis are exactly the same size as their toy counterpart, but not only they're durable (accounting their armor at least) but are certainly dangerous due to fully functional weaponry. Even more literal with their tanks, especially after retooled to accept 'real' cartridge (read: Titan small arms ammunition), and Tau railguns are noted to be a s strong as decent rifle.
Noodle Incident: Just how did Vincent and Alice get subdued by a coalition army that had trouble handling ONE human?
We do know, however, that they fired an anti-tank rocket as a 'warning shot'... at Vincent's face.
Eldar Bonesinger: I do wonder, mon-keigh, is how are you able to simply hit the thing and make it work? Cogboy: It may take two seconds to learn how to hit a machine, xenos, but it takes two decades to learn where to hit a machine.
A semi-reclusive artist (who had just had his legs sprayed by miniature machine guns) and a nerd run across a parking lot while being chased by an Apologetic Attacker with a daemonically possessed Knife Nut. They're out of breath by the time they've gone halfway. Knife Nut is just about at their heels.
Also, when the poser gangsta tries shooting his Colt .45 Gangsta Style and it 'jams' (it actually stovepipes), he tosses it away as useless. When the Badass Bookworm gets a hold of it, guess what?
When Tomas saves Ishabeth from her Chaotic counterpart, it's hard to see her hug as anything else.
Enforced with Batel, by Michael, who physically dragsVincent so that he would be on the receiving end of that particular Security Cling.
Self-Insert Fic: Vincent is a direct self-insert of the author, but rather than being a Marty Stu, this Self Insert is a rather Squee-prone otaku who starts off with only ONE appearance in the first eight to ten chapters, but soon builds himself up to become the Supporting Leader as Michael and his friends answer The Call.
In the first Ordo Vermin omake, the extermination (vermin, not Exterminatus) company is lead by a man going by Buck, there's also a Dutch as one of his subordinates, and they both call Michael 'Rookie'.
"I shall feast on thy soul!" "Its THINE, ya stupid bastard!"
And then we have a BioShock and Half-Life shout out when Vincent is deliberating which tool he should use for a weapon: He pulls out a crowbar and a Stillson wrench, the melee weapon of choice for Gordon Freeman and Jack, respectively.
Taken even further that he had gotten the wrench from a hardware store called 'Ryan and Son'.
'Fountain Street' which sounds similar to 'Fontaine Street'
In a Shout Out to both Final Fantasy and Ciaphas Cain (who used the description for a Red Mage for a Mechanicus Adept), two of the Zara personalities have descriptions matching up to that with a Black Mage and a White Mage. The 'musician' also has a close description to that of Ragnarok Online's Dancer class.
Chapter 22 has a blink-and-you'll-miss-it reference to the Valhallan 597th in Ishabeth's memories.
Cain himself may have been referred to here: isn't Chain-Blade a suitable callsign for a particular Commissar that favors chainsword weapons? Not to mention gets lost (to the point of where 'Valkyria' admits that this is not the first time they've lost contact with him) and loves his tanna tea.
Throughout ch. 22, The Sorcerer constantly quotes Darth Vader almost word for word, and they are all in context.
"I find your lack of faith...disturbing"
"The Warp is strong with this one."
Someone on the vox has the callsign 'Spartan', and hails from the Cadian's 117th regiment...
Michael quotes Jack Sparrow's "I might've deserved that" after being slapped by Zara.
MC Hammer is given many a classic shout out in Chapter 23, which is titled "Hammer Time" and goes with it from there.
"Can't touch this." STAB
The Rose uses a rose-petal-whirlwind type attack that is very similar to Byakuya Kuchiki's bankai.
Terms of Endangerment: Zara repeatedly calls Michael 'mon-keigh' (Eldar term for 'human'). This is the first hint that the Zara mind-shadow is not the real Zara, when she uses his name and 'my dear' to refer to him.
Meta-example. Jeremiah asks Tomas, "You got krak!?" He's asking for Krak-type anti-tank grenades, not the drug.
Again with Zara, when she screams "I DO NOT WEAR PANTIES!". She actually has a 'combat membrane', possibly something like a plugsuit, which leaves no room for underwear, but still...
There Is Only One Bed: Basically why Michael wakes up one morning with Emma a.k.a.: The God-Emperor of Man in his bed: She was cold, and none of the other options were available (no room, too short to reach, or covered by more firepower than she was comfortable with)...and she explicitly admits that she did that to Troll him as well.
Trolling: Emma likes to do this. In a MASSIVE one to Justicar Amadeus:
Amadeus: Are you the Emperor? I could swear that you are... well, perhaps a previous incarnation? Emma: No. I am not the Emperor. He sighed. So it wasn't true. Somehow, the Knight must have bee- —>Emma: Yet.
Beautifully lampshaded in the chapter's title- Deus Ex Psyche
There's also her teasing/flirting with Michael. She might be the Immortal God-Emperor of Mankind, but in the current era she inhabits the body of an eleven year old girl. Cue jokes about being Michael's kid in the next life, his future wife etc...
Zara again. Vaporizes the Rose with a bolt of lightning whilst the cultist was mid-kiss with Michael. To be fair, the Rose is a Chaos-worshipper...except her immediate remark to Michael is "Ah, you survived."
Aaaaaannnndd of course The Rose is as well. Turns out she has something of a Berserk Button in that she actually starts trying to kill Michael after seeing Zara and himhugging, despite the fact that she reacts good-naturedly to each and every attempt of her victim to murder her beforehand. And when she finally gets her hands on him she threatens him with a knife whilst masturbating the pommel of a goddamned sword