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Arson Murder And Jaywalking: Video Games
  • A commercial for Super Mario Kart, emphasizing the combat aspects of the racing game, features an irate traffic cop who has apparently pulled over one of the racers. The list of offenses runs thus: "Let's see... you were doing 140 in a 35 zone... sideswiped three cars... I believe this bumper belongs to you... destruction... carnage... oh, and you didn't use your turn signal, son. I'm gonna have to write you up for that last one." This was also used in a commercial for Stunt Racer FX (so called because it used the FX chip) in for the SNES in the early '90s.
  • The reaper in RuneScape is known by three names: Death, Destroyer of Life, and Nigel.
    • When Durial321 went on a player-killing rampage after a bug allowed him to kill players outside of PvP areas and minigames, he was equipped with Ahrim's, a fire cape, obsidian shield, abyssal whip, and a green partyhat.
  • Kingdom of Loathing:
    • Azazel's Temple in the demon city of Pandemonium is described as "your basic evil hellish demon dwelling: the decorative motifs include blood, pulsating skin, flames, and the occasional throw rug to add some visual interest."
    • Quoth the first Kingdom of Loathing Choose Your Own Adventure parody Jick wrote for Comicon: "just as it looks like the poor kid is going to lose the race, his opponent suddenly catches on fire, turns into a frog, gets scurvy, then trips and falls."
    • According to the back story of the in-game holiday Labór Day, after union boss Manuel Labór successfully lobbied to cut vacation time and make both the workday and work-week longer, he was "dragged out into the streets and hung, drawn, painted, messily sketched, quartered, eighthed, fed to wolves, and given an atomic wedgie by outraged laborers."
    • The voodoo snuff dropped by the Hobopolis mini-boss Zombo is "made from the powdered left hand of a gravedigger, who was hung at a crossroads, at the stroke of midnight, for tax evasion."
  • Thief: Deadly Shadows: Garrett's rap sheet in Paveslock Prison. It's five times the length of anyone else's, includes "breaking and entering, burglary, trespassing, possession of stolen property, resisting arrest, assault of a City Watch officer, assault of another City Watch officer," and goes on like that for some time before concluding with "verbal assault of an officer".
  • In the opening cinematic for Bully, Jimmy describes the alumni of Bullworth Academy as "nothing but arms dealers, mass murderers, and corporate lawyers." Of course, some people would argue lawyers are worse than the first two...
  • Portal offers us this little quote...
    GLaDOS: "I'm going to kill you. And all the cake is gone."
    • "You're not a scientist! You're not a doctor! You're not even a full-time employee!"
  • In Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening, this conversation between Nathaniel and Velanna.
    Nathaniel: "How do you feel about having killed all those people because of a miscommunication?"
    Velanna: "Warm and fuzzy."
    Nathaniel: "You are a terrible, terrible person. And your ears are clownish."
  • House of the Dead's latest installment, OVERKILL, gives us this (slightly but intentionally Narm-ish) line at the end of the game as Agent G lists off what the Big Bad has accomplished.
    G: "You've broken a hundred laws, caused the deaths of countless thousands, endangered the safety of every man, woman, and child on this planet, and you put our friend's Brain in a Jar!"
  • In Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All, unlucky cop Maggey Byrde explains that her life has been a constant string of disasters, giving examples of falling from a nine-story building at six months old, constantly getting sick from various foods, being hit by all manner of vehicles, failing nearly every test she's ever attempted, and never winning or even tying at a game of tic-tac-toe.
  • Sam & Max: Freelance Police
    • In Sam & Max Hit the Road, the sign read "Guns, Liquor, Baby Needs."
    • In Sam & Max Save The World, the front of Bosco's store mentions that he sells things such as "guns, meat, beer, and candy."
      • The intro to Abe Lincoln Must Die (Season 1, Episode 4). The hypnotized President is passing even more silly laws than usual, which Max doesn't seem to mind. Until.
        Sam: And he's introducing mandatory gun registration!!
        Max: *Revealing his gun* Get the keys.
  • In Rayman 2, the Grolgoth can "kill, crush, torture, destroy, pull ears ..."
  • In Saints Row 2, the activity FUZZ lets you take the role of a police officer. To arrest (actually beating down) offenders of, lets just say, at the first level, purse snatcher, drunk, and a litterer.
    • Near the beginning of the game, Johnny Gat is in court for "387 counts of murder, and one count of attempted murder".
  • And in Saints Row: The Third, the news report following the mission "Party Time" explains that said mission resulted in multiple deaths and a noise complaint filed by a neighbor.
    Jenny: I'm tired of him trying to kill us, I'm tired of him being mean, and I'm tired of his stupid fucking scarf!
  • In one of the levels in Scribblenauts, you must find a way to take to heaven three people at the gates of hell. The people in question are a prisoner, a bully and a lawyer.
  • In Agent Under Fire R is listing off all the (impressive) combat improvements to the BMW at the end of the second level, and finishes with, "And of course... A refrigerated beverage holder."
  • In Tales of Vesperia, Karol asks Yuri why the knights are after him. "Murder? Arson? Kidnapping? Fraud?"(something like that) "Uhm, it's really just for jailbreak..."
  • Inverted in the NES game Freedom Force (not to be confused with the Irrational Games title of the same name), the Elite Assassins have jaywalking, forging passports, and storming embassies on listed on their rap sheet in that order, all in the name of getting on TV news.
  • In Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal, one of the PA announcements in Nefarious's weapons factory on planet Daxx begins with "Are you looking for an exciting career in building security, execution, or VCR repair?"
    • A PA announcement at Zeldrin Starport says "Welcome to Zeldrin Starport. Due to increased security, thermonuclear warheads and nail clippers are no longer permitted as carry-on baggage." This is a spoof of a real life case where a woman had the file on her nail clippers broken off by overzealous airport security.
  • In Ratchet: Deadlocked, Vox News reporters lists some of Ratchets supposed crimes: "the destruction of civic property, illegal hoverbike gangs, inadequate dental hygiene".
  • In Fable and Fable II, after you commit crimes in a town, a guard will run up to you and charge you with a list of all of them, offering you options of how to respond to the charges (pay a fine, run away, etc). In many cases, you've just finished rampaging through a town destroying everything and every one in your path, and then a guard charges you with 30+ counts of murder and one count of vandalism from that door you kicked down.
    • It's even worse in the first game during the tutorial, if you gave the teddy bear to the bully you are damn sure going to hear about it from the guard.
  • Batman: Arkham Asylum:
    The Joker: ''Tell me, Bats, what are you really scared of? Failing to save this cesspool of a city? Not finding the Commissioner in time? Me... IN A THONG!!??
  • The priest in Warcraft III says this warning about magic: "Side effects may include dry mouth, nausea, vomiting, water retention, painful rectal itch, hallucination, dementia, psychosis, coma, death, and halitosis. Magic is not for everyone. Consult your doctor before use."
  • The first Disgaea gave us this little bit of gold, when describing the "ultimate Zombie":
    Aramis: "The fists of a Dark Karate master... The legs of the fastest demon in the Netherworld... The brain of Mahogany, a famous sorcerer... The iron body of Hercules... And a horse wiener!"
    • Naturally, Laharl's reaction to all of them is smug disdain, except for the last, which worries him. Even the flavor text of the item once you steal it reflects this.
  • In Touhou Project: Imperishable Night, Marisa says a line like this to Reimu in the Magic Team's playthrough.
    Marisa: "You're right. The endless night, stealing the full moon, hiding the human village, and putting hats on stone statues, it's all Alice's fault. Now bitch, get out of the way!"
  • Liberal Crime Squad often has rap sheets that read like this:
    The defendant, Akira Copeland, is charged with treason, 4 counts of aiding a prison escape, 427 counts of felony assault, 560 counts of murder, 2 counts of arson, 2 counts of credit card fraud, 67 counts of breaking and entering, 13 counts of vandalism, resisting arrest and disturbing the peace.
  • In this review of the "Chintendo" KenSingTon Vii, Dr Ashens makes some positive notes in its attractive packaging and that a few of the packaged games are actually worth playing. He detracts the substandard build quality, most of the games being unplayable and that it cost him a small fortune, but what pushed him to score it 0/10 is that they forgot to package a handstrap for the remote.
  • The Announcer from Team Fortress 2 is NOT pleased with your performance. "All you ever do is disappoint and betray me! Cheating! Stealing! Friend-making!"
    • On the information page for the Decoy map for Mann Vs. Machine mode the Soldier writes that the robots are smarter than them, stronger than them, and they can make toast. The last part is because, this being the Soldier, he stared at a toaster for three months.
    • On the page for the 2013 Halloween event in the section introducing the spellbook item, it lists that the books are bound in human skin, written in human blood, and covered in tiny human hairs.
  • The Gray Fox is wanted for theft, embezzlement, forgery, pickpocketing, counterfeiting, burglary, conspiracy to commit theft, grand larceny, tax evasion, slander, fraud, perfidy and, of course, impertinence.
  • Mass Effect 2 has a hilarious subversion. After recruiting the criminal, Jack, you can ask her about the crimes she's committed. Part of her answer: "Murder, assault, kidnapping, drugs, stealing, arson. Done it all. And that was the boring shit. Piracy, theft of military craft, destruction of a space station, and vandalism. That was a good one." Turns out the vandalism was crashing that space station into a moon and making a crater. The Hanar really liked that moon.
  • In M Endless Frontier, Kaguya apologizes to Cardia on behalf of the party fighting through the starting dungeon and "destroying a few machines... And robots... And I didn't make the bed when I left."
  • In Disney's stunt-pilot flight sim Stunt Island, if you crashed, you'd wake up in the hospital where the doctor would read off a random list of injuries, always ending with something trivial. Example: "You have a broken leg, a concussion, eight broken ribs, and bad breath. We'll have you patched up and flying again... tomorrow."
  • A character from the Math Blaster universe is wanted for "grand larceny and non-payment of electric bill."
  • In Guild Wars, when the Asura golemancer Zinn is put on trial, the charges against him are given as " 1. Mathematical turpitude. 2. Gross flummoxery in the first degree. 3. Reckless instigation of mayhem WITHOUT a permit. 4. An overdue library tome".
    • Winds of Change has a Stone Summit Dwarf who declares the players "killed our leader, slaughtered hundreds of my kin, disrupted our mining facility, and TRESPASSED ON OUR LAND!"
    • Sif Shadowhunter: "I am Sif, great hunter of the north, slayer of ten dozen wolves, threescore bear, and one vicious rabbit."
  • In Alpha Protocol, when warned what can happen if he gets caught, Thorton replies, "I know. Execution; imprisonment; possibly another lecture from Westbridge ..."
  • In Drill Dozer, Jill gets arrested for theft, vandalism, avoiding the police and skipping out on 17 checks.
  • In Suikoden II, Viktor delivers one as his last taunt for Neclord.
    Viktor: "Heh, I'll make sure you never make that stupid grin again! I'll chop you up! Grind you up! Cut you into pieces! Dry you on the sun! Bury you to the ground! Piss on you! Then I'll dig you up! Pull you! Stretch you! Drag you around! And then... and then... in any case, I'll never forgive you!!"
  • In Sakura Wars 5: "All right you! You're under arrest for bank robbery and blind stupidity."
  • In King's Quest II+, Ma Pumpkin's description of Hagatha combines this with Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: "You know her type... green warts, pointed ears, cannibalistic, doesn't put her trash out."
  • The Diddy Kong Racing promotional video starts out with one of these: "First on the scene! First with the news! Last in the journalist's invitational softball tournament! This is Hot Topic!
  • The Conduit 2's Wikipedia page describes some stages you fight on, it reads:
    "The game is set to take place in a wide variety of areas. What has been shown so far is a Trust owned oil rig, Atlantis, the Lost City of Z, Washington D.C, Siberia, China and England. In the previous game, D.C was war torn, but it will have even more damage inflicted on it now. However, in an interview at E3 it was stated that Ford will be able to go to China."
  • It happens backstage too. After a recent load test on the Openlife Virtual World the staff reported that the script engine had problems with facelights, shoes, and "horse parts." (While the first two are quite popular with many players, there is only one equine avatar on the grid.)
  • According to the Soviet propaganda in Freedom Fighters, "Last three American presidents were corrupt, involved in assassination of foreign contries leaders, and cheated on their wives."
  • A wanted list in Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge starts off by listing Guybrush Threepwood for murder and some various petty crimes. As you progress through the game, the list becomes more and more ridiculous, including cheating at a spitting contest, vandalizing a public library's lighthouse model, and stealing a pet rat.
  • Radio Shack once published a variant of Mastermind for the TRS-80 named Quick, Watson!. In this game, you have to determine which of 4 criminals committed each of 4 crimes: assault, felony theft, arson, and parking in front of a fire hydrant.
  • In SPY Fox 2: Some Assembly Required, the "evil nemesis" of SpyCorps is S.M.E.L.L.Y, the Society for Meaningless Evil, Larceny, Lying, and Yelling.
  • Final Fantasy VIII Right before the Battle of the Gardens, the player is given the choice of various orders to have Squall give to Balamb Garden. The choices involve their battle strategy, but one involves what to do with the hot dogs. (You're called out if you go overboard with the orders, though.)
  • Deus Ex: Invisible War plays with this, with a request for an inventory of Servo nets, energy clips, rotator bearings and coffee from the weapons department.
  • In EarthBound, after defeating the gang plaguing the first town, the mayor thanks you and summarises your conquests thusly: "You beat up the town bullies! Punched them out big time, kicked their butts, bit their heads off, spit in their eyes, and made them wet their pants! Then you made them promise not to make anymore trouble in town!"
  • Almost literal examples in L.A. Noire. When Cole arrests people, he lists off their crimes and doesn't always do so in ascending order of seriousness.
    Cole: "You are under arrest for narcotics trafficking, attempted murder, reckless endangerment, and destruction of LAPD property!"
    • Somewhat humorous considering the fact that he was dead serious while listing those charges. There's no messing around on this trope with him.
  • In Deus Ex: Human Revolution, on the second visit to Hengsha, Adam has to enter the Harvesters' base. If he does so, kills a lot of Harvesters to get to Tong, and made friends with Tong on his first visit, Tong will have this to say:
    "I am disappointed in you, Mr. Jensen. I thought we were friends. My hacker goes missing. You break into my place of business. Half my men end up dead. And you don't even knock when entering a room."
    • Also one of Pritchard's mails on security for employees: DON'T give your friends your access cards, DON'T meet your friends and family in your workplace and most importantly, DON'T Play shareware games during lunch hour
    • Not so unreasonable, considering how a company that makes electronic prosthetics for the military would be worried about spyware getting on the network.
  • Neverwinter Nights: Hordes of the Underdark, in one of the lines where Deekin is writing his book: "And the mighty hero crept into the mage's tower, ready for anything! Magic, demons, mazes, vicious bread puddings... well, okay, maybe not bread puddings..."
  • In Pokemon Platinum, when the player encounters Team Galactic for the first time as they are confronting Rowan and his assistant:
    Professor Rowan: Quiet, you lot! Why must you be such a nuisance? Let me list some lessons you still need to learn. #1: Don't loiter about for no good reason. #2: Don't interrupt others while they are attempting to converse. #3: If you don't get your way, don't raise your voice to be intimidating. #4: Don't think you've grown strong just because you're in a group. #5: What is with those outlandish outfits you have on?
  • The chat rules for The Godfather: Five Families are "No profanity, personal attacks, hate speech, spam or links"
  • In The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, a wanted poster for the Grey Fox charges him with "theft, embezzlement, forgery, pickpocketing, counterfeiting, burglary, conspiracy to commit theft, grand larceny, tax evasion, slander, fraud, perfidy and impertinence."
    • In Skyrim, you meet an Orc Bandit named Borkul the Beast in the Cidhna Mines prison.
    Player: "So what are you in for?"
    Borkul: "Murder, Banditry, Assault, Theft... and lollygagging."
    • When all those city guards warn you against lollygagging, they mean it.
  • Bethesda really likes this one. In Fallout 3, if you ask Moira Brown what sort of work is involved in helping her with her Wasteland Survival Guide, she replies "Let's see... dealing with radiation, testing an experimental device, and I won't lie to you, it may involve some reading. That sort of stuff."
  • In The World Ends with You, Reaper Sport 1 is Russian Roulette. Reaper Sport 2 is Hide-and-Seek, though number 1 comes from a guy who got the others wrong. Then again, Reaper Sport 3 is a Player Hunt, while Reaper Sport 4 is Tag. So he may not be far off.
  • Inverted in Sonic Colors, when Dr. Eggman gives his copyright notice, he provides these rules:
    Dr. Eggman: All unauthorized photography, video reproduction, or shutting down of generators is strictly prohibited. Thank you.
  • Inverted in Knights of the Old Republic II with HK-47's complaints about the HK-51, complaining they are cheap knock offs that butcher his original design, when the player can point out that they look very similar to him. Something that he rages less about is the fact a bunch of assassin droids running around looking like him will make it harder for him to work as assassin since people will know what he looks like, a much more logical reason for hating them.
  • At the end of one of the last maps of Dungeon Keeper, your mentor mentions how vampires have sucked the life out of everyone in the land, poisoned the wells, and 'smeared dung all on all the door handles as a joke'.
  • In Age of Empires Online, the port master tells a tale of how bandits ransacked his home, murdered his wife, set fire to his fishing nets, stole his harpoons, boiled his cat, drank his grog and sat in his favorite chair. Oh, and they also kidnapped his children, which he wants you to rescue.
  • The second cinematic in Epic Mickey shows Mickey strapped to an operating table, with the Mad Doctor controlling a device that has shears, a corkscrew/drill hybrid, a chainsaw, and a toilet plunger. Then it turns out it's supposed to remove Mickey's heart and suddenly gets more scary.
  • In Super Mario Galaxy 2 when Bowser is defeated for the final time, he remarks "My powers...gone... My empire...shrinking.... My huge cake...never got a slice..."
  • In Injustice: Gods Among Us, The Joker's biography says that his crimes include, "Terrorism, murder, arson, larceny, robbery, racketeering, kidnapping, torture and jaywalking".
  • In My Little Investigations, when the Cutie Mark Crusaders tried to get their cutie marks in interpretive dance, they set a tiger loose, Rarity's mane was on fire, and Opalescence was stuck in a tree.
  • In Katawa Shoujo, Jigoro, Shizune's father, calls Hisao "An amoral, directionless glue-huffer, with a complete lack of etiquette and absolutely no fashion sense".
  • There was a PC game in The Eighties which provided a backstory for, of all things, hangman. According to the story, the Player Character's friend was arrested for murder, arson, manslaughter, grand theft auto, and a list of other felonies, and also "extreme ugliness."
    But the judge, being a benevolent sort, is willing to commute the sentence down to just extreme ugliness provided that the accused has one friend. GUESS WHO?
  • In Crash Tag Team Racing one of Cortex's lines when he's separating from a car he's currently clashed with is "Cortex is a lone wolf, a bald eagle, a burrowing hamster".
  • Inverted in Jade Empire. The list of grievances suffered by Minister Sheng on his post is mostly filled with minor humiliations, like slipping on mud or getting peed on by a dog, but ends with "Sailors burned down his office".
  • The MO of the Space Pirates from Metroid: kill those who get in their way, conduct unethical biological experiments to make killer bio-weapons that may or may not obey them, take any interesting tech/stuff that isn't bolted and use/reverse engineer it for their own benefit... even if means stealing doorway technology.
  • In Borderlands 2, posters state that Salvador is wanted for manslaughter, theft, arson, destruction of property, trespassing, cannibalism, public indecency, and.... profanity.
  • In Puzzle Clubhouse Episode 0, the ice cream flavors offered by Guardian of the Forbidden Maze of Welcoming are "Cyanide, Decapitation, or... Cookie Dough."
  • In Dark Seed 2, Mike Dawson tells his mother that what he went through the previous year was "far worse than anything you could imagine." Her response? "I've lost a husband and a sister to cancer, your father left me no insurance money, and I have arthritis."
  • From the free doujin Fighting Game Wonderful World, we have Sabe's backstory:
    A high-ranking demon living in hell. His hobbies include going above ground to smash up villages every once in a while. Several years ago, a certain swordsman cut out both of his eyes. However, even without his eyes, he can somehow see. He is the one who taught Lunathia dirty words.
  • Kid Icarus: Uprising gives us Thanatos and his job bonuses.
    Hades: He is the god of death, after all. So he gets perks, like evil powers and health insurance. Oh, and free soda.
  • On the reveal of League of Legends champion Jinx, her wanted poster listed her crimes as:
    "murder, unprovoked assault, disturbing the peace, public indecency, murder again, unauthorized property recoloration, unflattering impersonation of an officer, reckless hexplosive detonation, destruction of the peace, really petty larceny, exorbitant weapon size, some more murders, inciting mass hysteria, making fun of the peace, aggravated jaywalking and forging of official wanted posters."
  • In Darkstalkers, Baby Bonnie Hood's routine as an assassin is as follows (note the fifth one):
    1. Attending the conference Hunters Guild of the Northern European Alpine Branch to secure part of the silly profit, interchanging with the other Hunters is necessary. 2. Obtaining weapons and ammunition through illegal means. A first class job requires first class materials. 3. Maintaining portable weapons at home. To every Hunter, skipping this is suicidal. 4. Making gunpowder mixtures for mines. Continuously researching is the sign of a professional. 5. Going to town to buy food and clothing, and going to Grandmother's house to do errands. 6. Training for controlled shooting, such as shooting 50 targets while performing a 100 m (328 ft) dash. Basic training is the foundation for advanced skill. One must not forget to always return to the basics. 7. Using the satellite Catastrophe, a camouflaged military satellite, to retrieve information on Darkstalkers. Information gathering is the key to the current Hunter business. One must use any means possible to eliminate the target. 8. Enter the Dark Hunting Grand Prix held twice a year. A target is decided upon and they compete to see who can hunt it down first. This is a competition for the Hunters to test their own skills, but not all Hunters compete in this tournament.


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