Fiction
"Ninety-nine Decision Street
Ninety-nine ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we've waiting for
This is it boys, this is war
The President is on the line
As ninety-nine red balloons go by"
Ninety-nine ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we've waiting for
This is it boys, this is war
The President is on the line
As ninety-nine red balloons go by"
— Nena, "99 Red Balloons"
"What mighty contests rise from trivial things[...!]"
— Alexander Pope, The Rape of the Lock, describing a bunch of prostitutes getting into a fistfight over a cardgame.
Ivanova: Now, you can start by helping me to understand the precise nature of the conflict between the two sides that you've set up.
Purple Drazi: *Points to green drazi* Green.
Green Drazi: *Points to purple drazi* Purple.
Ivanova: No, I understand that there are two factions, but what is your point of contention? Where do you disagree with each other?
Green Drazi: *Resigned sigh* Purple!
Purple Drazi: Green!
Purple Drazi: *Points to green drazi* Green.
Green Drazi: *Points to purple drazi* Purple.
Ivanova: No, I understand that there are two factions, but what is your point of contention? Where do you disagree with each other?
Green Drazi: *Resigned sigh* Purple!
Purple Drazi: Green!
— Babylon 5 — "Geometry of Shadows"
[T]he emperor [...] published an edict, commanding all his subjects, upon great penalties, to break the smaller end of their eggs. The people so highly resented this law, that our histories tell us, there have been six rebellions raised on that account; wherein one emperor lost his life, and another his crown. [...] It is computed that eleven thousand persons have at several times suffered death, rather than submit to break their eggs at the smaller end.
As we take the last steps to war!
Cause our movie's better than yours!
— Phineas and Ferb, "Nerds of a Feather''
Remember what the MPAA says: Horrible, deplorable violence is okay as long as you don't say any naughty woids. That's what this war is all about!
— Sheila Broflovski, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
"Two hearts and a wedding broken by a melody? Incredible."
— Gulliver, Max Fleischer's Gulliver's Travels
"Why, they was always a-fightin' and a-feudin' and a-shootin' one another. They'd no sooner get one argument settled and they'd find somethin' else to fuss about. Be it if it wasn't one darn thing, it was another. When they couldn't think of nothin' else to wrangle over, the flatfooted peoples started a-shootin' at the bucktoothed people, and the vegetarians began to fight the meat-eatin' people, and you couldn't make head nor tail of it."
Jill: Da, I don't understand. You mean someone was killed over pig food?
Tieryn Braedd: It's the honor of the thing! Never will I let a man take what's rightfully mine. The honor of my warband calls out for vengeance! We'll fight to the last man.
Cullyn: Pity we can't arm the swine. Everyone will fight for their own food.
Tieryn Braedd: It's the honor of the thing! Never will I let a man take what's rightfully mine. The honor of my warband calls out for vengeance! We'll fight to the last man.
Cullyn: Pity we can't arm the swine. Everyone will fight for their own food.
So we're supposed to go to war over some rock that's only useful if we have to go to war?
—Vimes, about the hotly-contested but frankly useless island of Leshp, Jingo
"Do you know how many times we've come close to World War III over a flock of geese on a computer screen? Do you even know what triggered the last world war? An argument with Germany over how many telegraph poles they owed their war debt creditors. Telegraph poles!"
Queen Mayaserana: I pray thee, correct me if my perception is awry. Is the import of what hath been revealed here that Arendia hath been divided for half a millennium by an ancient formality?
Count Reldegen: There's a bit more to it than that, your Grace, but that does seem to be core of the problem.
Queen Mayaserana: Five hundred years of strife and bloodshed over a technicality?
Count Reldegen: (laughing) It is sort of Arendish, isn't it?
Baron Vo Serin: I pray thee, my Lord Reldegen, lock this discovery in thy heart lest we all become the subject of general mirth. Let us not confirm the suspicion that abject stupidity is our most prevailing trait.
Count Reldegen: There's a bit more to it than that, your Grace, but that does seem to be core of the problem.
Queen Mayaserana: Five hundred years of strife and bloodshed over a technicality?
Count Reldegen: (laughing) It is sort of Arendish, isn't it?
Baron Vo Serin: I pray thee, my Lord Reldegen, lock this discovery in thy heart lest we all become the subject of general mirth. Let us not confirm the suspicion that abject stupidity is our most prevailing trait.
Luna: AHAHAHAHAH YOU SHOULD HAVE DRESSED AS A BANANA CELESTIA! I'M NIGHTMARE MOON! NIGHTMARE MOON!
Twilight Sparkle: So, actually, that's how the whole war started.
Rainbow Dash: Seriously? Man, politics is way different than I imagined.
— My Little Pony: The Mentally Advanced Series: 'Budget Impasse'
Archer: These people you're fighting, what makes them heretics?
Yarrick: We believe The Makers created The Chosen Realm in nine days; they believe it took ten.
Archer: [Beat] For that, you've been at war for over a century?
Yarrick: We believe The Makers created The Chosen Realm in nine days; they believe it took ten.
Archer: [Beat] For that, you've been at war for over a century?
Worrying news has emerged from the budget media lockdown, with reports confirming that treasurer Joe Hockey announced that the political journalists in attendance would be forced to fight to the death in armed combat, with the victor permitted to read the single, leather-bound copy of the federal budget.
‘Let the games begin!’ Hockey cried, swathed in a purple velvet robe and wearing an ornate crown made of human bones, as the enormous steel doors of the chamber swung closed.
‘Let the games begin!’ Hockey cried, swathed in a purple velvet robe and wearing an ornate crown made of human bones, as the enormous steel doors of the chamber swung closed.
— A satirical take
on Australia's 2015 budget problems note
on Australia's 2015 budget problems note Jones: So you're saying that in the future they send actual humans to fight and die for the sake of looking really badass?
Commander: Don' get me wrong, there's plenty a'real respectable causes t'fight for. But when people run outta those, it don't take 'em long t'find all sorts'a stupid shit t'keep busy with.
Commander: Don' get me wrong, there's plenty a'real respectable causes t'fight for. But when people run outta those, it don't take 'em long t'find all sorts'a stupid shit t'keep busy with.
In the year florty-one, at the Ookian castle,
The first Dooka and Dookess had the first butter hassle.
A typical spat, as siblings are wont to do,
But the spats just kept spatting. It grew and it grew,
'Til soon Dooka and Dookess got their own houses
And spent all their time calling the other one louses.
Just like salty butter, their anger expreaded.
Soon, Ooks called for their neighbors to be de-breaded.
But that would not do. It would not do at all,
So Dooka and Dookess built themselves a wall.
Calm returned to the land. Finally, peace had been brung,
Until the day the fateful first slinger was slung.
Each one blamed the other, pouring gas on the fire,
So both sides built the wall up higher and higher.
What once was Ookia, one family united,
Is now Yookia and Zookia, two factions divided.
The first Dooka and Dookess had the first butter hassle.
A typical spat, as siblings are wont to do,
But the spats just kept spatting. It grew and it grew,
'Til soon Dooka and Dookess got their own houses
And spent all their time calling the other one louses.
Just like salty butter, their anger expreaded.
Soon, Ooks called for their neighbors to be de-breaded.
But that would not do. It would not do at all,
So Dooka and Dookess built themselves a wall.
Calm returned to the land. Finally, peace had been brung,
Until the day the fateful first slinger was slung.
Each one blamed the other, pouring gas on the fire,
So both sides built the wall up higher and higher.
What once was Ookia, one family united,
Is now Yookia and Zookia, two factions divided.
White Ninja Leader: Once, there was a great sensei...
Crypto: I've heard this one before. He dies, and his students turn on each other, and oppose each other as light opposes dark. Am I right, or am I right?
White Ninja Leader: Wrong! We wanted to be black, but bastards put in their order first!
Crypto: I've heard this one before. He dies, and his students turn on each other, and oppose each other as light opposes dark. Am I right, or am I right?
White Ninja Leader: Wrong! We wanted to be black, but bastards put in their order first!
"One of the biggest problems with this movie is that the Battle of the Five Armies, is stupid. It's a stupid battle that happens for a stupid reason. And even Tolkien admits as much; hence why it is only covered for a few pages in the book. Bilbo is not even conscious for it. And in this movie it is the longest on-screen Lord of the Rings battle out of all of the movies. It condenses everything that made all of the battles in the original trilogy memorable and it throws all that shit in the trash. This is basically just a CGI football game!"
"Tolkien despised war and he wrote the story to reflect that. And I actually like how the animated Hobbit movie handles it. Bilbo is just like "Wow, this is stupid. I'm sitting this shit out." And this movie has many moments where the characters are like "Wow, this whole conflict is really stupid." But they still spend two hours on mindless video game action! And I'm sorry but you can't have an entire fantasy action movie be about an event that all of the characters admit is stupid and pointless. The movie is actively telling you not to care."
"Tolkien despised war and he wrote the story to reflect that. And I actually like how the animated Hobbit movie handles it. Bilbo is just like "Wow, this is stupid. I'm sitting this shit out." And this movie has many moments where the characters are like "Wow, this whole conflict is really stupid." But they still spend two hours on mindless video game action! And I'm sorry but you can't have an entire fantasy action movie be about an event that all of the characters admit is stupid and pointless. The movie is actively telling you not to care."
"So you're telling me, you guys nearly started a war with the strongest naval power in the world over a shooting of A PIG?"
—General Winfield Scott, ''OverSimplified'
Caspar: What was the skill that got you this job?
Ted: A high tolerance for idiocy.
Caspar: Yeah, you’d definitely need some of that studying Earth. I mean, World War I alone.
Ted: Actually my favorite is the Bucket War.
Caspar: The what?
'Ted: In Italy. Two provinces, Modena and Bologna. Modena stole the bucket from the well in Bologna. So they went to war. Two thousand people died.
Caspar: Wow. You know, I know that sounds ridiculous but when you find a REALLY good bucket-
Ted: My favorite part is that, to this day, you can still go to Modena and see the bucket displayed as a point of pride. Two-thousand people dead, over a bucket, and they’re bragging about it. That’s what it’s like studying Earth.
Ted: A high tolerance for idiocy.
Caspar: Yeah, you’d definitely need some of that studying Earth. I mean, World War I alone.
Ted: Actually my favorite is the Bucket War.
Caspar: The what?
'Ted: In Italy. Two provinces, Modena and Bologna. Modena stole the bucket from the well in Bologna. So they went to war. Two thousand people died.
Caspar: Wow. You know, I know that sounds ridiculous but when you find a REALLY good bucket-
Ted: My favorite part is that, to this day, you can still go to Modena and see the bucket displayed as a point of pride. Two-thousand people dead, over a bucket, and they’re bragging about it. That’s what it’s like studying Earth.
— Midnight Burger. Chapter 12: Ted, Just Admit It.
Real Life
"What was the 1960 race about? Overall, the election of 1960 was largely about appearances-literally. In the television debate between Kennedy and Nixon, Kennedy did not look too young as his handlers feared while, sweating on camera and looking ill-shaven, Nixon did not appeal to many viewers. The only substantive issue of their joint appearance were two islands off China's shore, Quemoy and Matsu, and were these barren lumps a significant part of the free world to be defended to the death by the United States or simply ignored as they had been throughout history and so hardly worth a third world war."
— Gore Vidal, Point to Point Navigation
"Troilus, at the start of the play, states that he will not fight for Helen, a woman portrayed by Shakespeare as a mindless paramour. 'It is,' he says, 'too starved a subject for my sword.' Dying for this Helen, who has neither morals nor wit, is absurd. Yet I have seen fight for even more ridiculous reasons. There was no reason for the war in Bosnia. The warring sides invented national myths and histories designed to mask that Croats, Muslims, and Serbs are virtually indistinguishable...Fighting for a Helen who is a strumpet, or Don Quixote's Dulcinea, looks noble by comparison."
— Chris Hedges, War is a Force That Gives Us Meaning
"The problem with movies is that they seem to take place in an alternate universe where we all have such a short fuse that simply looking at someone the wrong way will cause a war."
—Benjamin Payne, Doomsday Debunked, a group on Facebook
"{I will not} involve two great nations in a war over a squabble about a pig."
—Rear Admiral Lambert Baynes, The Pig War of 1859.
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