Sorry, dude, still not letting you drive the bus.
"I sure hope JCPenney accepts "really appreciate its," 'cause I know for a fact they stopped taking "I'll be your best friee-ends!" a while ago."
— Strong Bad Email #143, "technology"
Okay, Alice is trying to get some MacGuffin from Bob, but Bob doesn't want to give it up for free. Alice really doesn't have anything of value to offer, but she doesn't want to just let Bob walk away with the MacGuffin. In desperation, she says "I'll be your best friend!" This Stock Phrase is the staple of every character who fails at negotiation. Characters using this may sometimes combine it with offering a Comically Small Bribe. Inversion of Friendship Bribe, where someone offers money/favors in exchange for friendship.
Examples:
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Film
- Chasing Amy
Alyssa: If you come and pick me up, I'll be your best friend.
- In Death Proof, Zoë Bell makes this offer when talking Kim into helping her do an incredibly dangerous car stunt. Kim replies that she doesn't need a best friend who lives on the other side of Planet Earth (given that Zoe is from New Zealand).
- In a negative fashion, Tom Hanks, in The Money Pit extracts a loan from the 12 year old, super rich, rock star by telling him, "If you don't loan this money, I won't be your friend any more!" He got the loan.
- Donkey says it to Shrek in Shrek Forever After when trying to get him to do a birthday dance.
Literature
- The Homework Machine: Sam offers to be Brenton's friend to let him use the Homework Machine, believing that friends are the one thing he'd want that he doesn't have. Ultimately, they end up becoming friends for real.
- The Pigeon tries this in the children's book Don't Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus!.
- The Bronze Horseman by Paullina Simons. Alexander says this to Dimitri, the son of an NKVD prison guard, when getting his help so he can see his father (a political prisoner) one last time. Because of his father's job, Dimitri is not the most popular boy in school (whereas Alexander is the opposite) so it's actually a pretty good offer at the time. Unfortunately as they get older, Dimitri increasingly becomes a False Friend leeching off Alexander's power and popularity.
- Played with in There's a Boy in the Girls' Bathroom by Louis Sachar. The main character, Bradley Chalkers, is a troubled kid who behaves so badly that nobody in his school can tolerate him. Jeff, a new kid, tries to make friends with him, only to have Bradley threaten to spit on him if he doesn't give him a dollar. Jeff gives him a dollar. The next day, Bradley approaches Jeff and tells him he will give him a dollar if Jeff will be his friend. Jeff agrees, and Bradley gives him the same dollar he took from him the previous day.
Live Action TV
- Michael Wiseman uses this in "Nothing to Fear But Fear" on Now and Again to try to get Dr. Thedore Morris to call his wife Lisa from his past life and tell her that they're canceling their dinner date. It doesn't work.
Theatre
- A heartwarming variant in Dog Sees God, when CB visits Van's sister in the insane asylum. She shows genuine support towards his sexuality and they officially clear the air and talk about why she was committed in the first place. Then, as he leaves, she says that if he can smuggle in a book of matches the next time he visits, "I'll be your best friend forever."
CB: (smiling) You already are.
Video Games
- Used in Golden Sun 2 by the first Djinni you meet, if you keep refusing to take him along with you. He comes along anyway.
- Guybrush uses it at one point while asking repeatedly a pirate for a bucket in Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge. And in Tales of Monkey Island Elaine says it to Guybrush when convincing him to help LeChuck in the quest for the Summoning Artifacts, spoofed as Elaine is Guybrush's wife.
Western Animation
- Chowder episode "The Garage Sale"
Mung Daal: We're not open yet.Birdman: Aw come on, let me look. I'll be your best friend!Mung: I already have a best friend! His name is Tony.Tony: S'up!
- Chowder himself says this in "The Sleep Eater" when he tries to resist his hunger that's turning him into a hungry beast.
- Used by Launchpad in the DuckTales (1987) "Top Duck". When Launchpad is begging Scrooge to let him pilot the McX so he can impress his family, Scrooge points out in response to the pilot saying he'll do anything that Scrooge doesn't have a notable lack of anything. With no other course of action left, Launchpad offers to be his best friend, or not bother him again ever, as long as he can fly the plane.
- Space Ghost Coast to Coast
Zorak: Moltar, take off your helmet... show me your true face.
Moltar: No.
Zorak: C'mon... I'll be your friend. - The Simpsons has this exchange when Homer hired a guy to chase Sideshow Bob out of town:
Man: Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive. cocks his gun
[Scene change to a bar]
Man: [whining] C'mon, leave town!
Bob: No.
Man: I'll be your friend?
Bob: No.
Man: Aw, you're mean!- One Butterfinger ad had Milhouse use this to try and get Bart to share his candy bar. Bart's response: "You already are."
- The central premise of The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy is that The Grim Reaper agrees to play a game for the life of the kids' hamster (despite them having nothing to negotiate with), and is so totally confident of winning that he actually offers to be their best friend forever if they win. He'll REALLY regret making that offer...
- This is the plot of PB&J Otter story by the same name. The story features both Flick Duck and Munchy Beaver using this tactic on Peanut Otter to try to get his extra ticket to a radio show, endlessly trying to do his chores and give him favors to get the ticket in question.
- In "Franklin and the Trading Cards" on the Animated Adaptation of Franklin, both Fox and Beaver behave in this manner to try to get Franklin to give them the coveted card, again offering favors and such.
- In the Bump in the Night episode "Hide and Go Freak", Squishington tries to get Molly Coddle to agree to play the titular game by offering that he and Mr. Bumpy will be her best friend. Mr. Bumpy points out to Squishington that they already are Molly's best friends.
