Funny / Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 1

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"Welcome to the Hellmouth" (1x01)

• Xander's entrance, which cements his Butt-Monkey status. He's skateboarding to school, dodging students up until he sees Buffy... and gets clotheslined by the railing.
• Xander's Freudian Slip: "Can I have you?"
• Buffy introduces herself to Willow to ask a favor.
  Buffy: It doesn't involve moving, but it does involve hanging out with me for a while.
  Willow: But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia?
  Buffy: I can't do both?
  Willow: Not legally.
• This exchange between Buffy and Giles in the library:
  Giles: Everything you dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day — they're all real.
  Buffy: What? You, like, sent away for the Time-Life Series?
  Giles: Oh, w-well, yes.
  Buffy: Did you get the free phone?
  Giles: Um, the calendar.
• Buffy evaluating potential outfits: "'Hi, I'm an enormous slut!'...'Would you like a copy of The Watchtower?'"
• Her response to her mom asking if there will be boys at the club: "No, Mom, it's a nun club."
• Buffy and Willow's conversation at the Bronze.
  Willow: I don't date a whole lot...lately.
  Buffy: Why not?
  Willow: Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool or witty or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
  Buffy: It's not that bad.
  Willow: No, it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk.
  Buffy: You really haven't been dating lately.
• Giles tries to teach Buffy to hone her Slayer senses to find a vampire, and she casually picks one out by his antique outfit, leading Giles to peevishly say, "But you didn't...hone."
• Thomas' look at Darla for biting Jesse.

"The Harvest" (1x02)

• Willow's reaction to finding out about vampires and demons and Buffy being the Slayer.
  Willow: [sitting in a chair] Oh, I-I need to sit down.
  Buffy: You are sitting down.
  Willow: Oh. Good for me.
• Buffy feels she failed because Jesse was taken by the vampires, and Willow (crossing over with a CMOH) says, "If you hadn't shown up, they would have taken us too. Does anybody mind if I pass out?"
• Giles asks if Buffy has any idea where they took Jesse.
  Buffy: I looked around, but as soon as they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just...voom!
  Xander: They can fly?
  Buffy: They can drive.
• Luke's look of embarrassment when he recalls the last time (in 1843!) someone got away alive after fighting him. "He caught me while I was sleeping."
• Willow's hacking skills debut. Check Giles' amused smile when Willow finishes speaking.
  Giles: So, all the city plans are just open to the public?
  Willow: Um, well, in-in a way. I sort of stumbled onto them when I accidentally decrypted the city council's security system.
  Xander: Someone's been naughty.
• Xander's trying to come to grips with what he's seen.
  Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday, my life is like, "Uh-oh, pop quiz." Today, it's "rain of toads".
  Willow: I know. And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day.
  Xander: Nobody knows. It's like we've got this big secret.
  Willow: We do. That's what a secret is, when you know something the other guys don't.
• "You've got something in your eye."
• Things are bad enough after Jesse's been turned into a vampire.
  Buffy: So, Giles...got anything that can make this day any worse?
  Giles: How about the end of the world?
  Buffy: I knew I could count on you.
• At the end of the episode, just after Giles finishes explaining how The Scoobies may be the only thing standing between the Earth and total destruction, Buffy and co. walk off, brainstorming ideas about how Buffy could get kicked out of school. Giles's reaction as he heads off in the opposite direction:
  Giles: The Earth is doomed.

"Witch" (1x03)

• The opening scene:
  Giles: This is madness! What can you have been thinking? You are the Slayer! Lives depend upon you! [begins pacing] I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, and instead of which you enslave yourself to this, this... cult?
  Buffy: [wearing a cheerleader outfit] You don't like the color?
• Buffy tells Willow and Xander about Giles' reaction. "I'd say he should get a girlfriend if he wasn't so old."
• Xander gets Distracted by the Sexy.
  Xander: People scoff at things like school spirit, but look at these girls giving their all like this. [sees a girl doing a full split in her cheerleading uniform] Ooh, stretchy. [Buffy rolls her eyes and walks off] Where was I?
  Willow: You were pretending that seeing scantily-clad girls in revealing postures was a spiritual experience.
  Xander: Who said I was pretending?
• When "Amy" says that she spends six hours a day practicing with her mom, Buffy says, "That much quality time with my mom would probably lead to some quality matricide."
• Giles: "[T]hat's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth. There's a veritable cornucopia of fiends and devils and ghouls to engage. [off the teens' looks] Well, pardon me for finding the glass half-full."
• Not-So-Heroic Xander.
  Xander: Oh, ha! I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away.
• After Joyce closes up the crate with a fertility statue in it, Buffy takes a peek.
• Xander happily informs Buffy and "Amy" that they made the team, not realizing that an alternate is someone who didn't make the team. Willow explains, and the girls walk away dejected.
  Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.
• Joyce shows Buffy her yearbook photo.
  Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
  Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?
• Xander trying to work himself up to asking Buffy out.
  Xander: I'm going to take your advice and not beat around the bush.
  Willow: Or I could be wrong. Maybe you should beat around the bush more.
  Xander: No. I gotta be a man and ask her out. I gotta stop giving her ID bracelets, subtle innuendos, taking Polaroids outside of her bedroom window late at night. That last part is a joke to relieve the tension because here she comes. Okay, into battle I go. Would you ask her out for me? No. Man. Me battle.
• One of Willow's early zingers:
  Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
  Willow: Maybe because they met her? ... Did I say that?
• Buffy has several funny moments in the early stages of having Catherine's bloodstone vengeance spell cast on her, such as perkily singing "Macho Man" in front of a bewildered Joyce.
  • Buffy yeeting a cheerleader with her Slayer strength.
  • "You're not like other boys at all. You are totally and completely one of the girls." And Willow's smile at this.

Teacher's Pet (1x04)

• The failed attempt by Willow to pantomime the answers when the teacher calls on Buffy.
• After Buffy reports Angel's warning to Giles:
  Giles: That's all he said? "Fork Guy"?
  Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said, "Fork Guy".
  Giles: I think there are too many "guys" in your life.
• A bit of Black Comedy: Buffy is crying after Dr. Gregory's body is discovered, sitting like she has no energy. Giles offers her a glass of water, and without looking up, she says, "No, thank you," then takes a sip.
• Before going into his office to make a phone call:
  Giles: Um, this computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office. One assumes it is entirely legal.
  Willow/Buffy: Entirely./Of course.
  Giles: Right...wasn't here...didn't see it...couldn't have stopped you.
• Giles talks to a friend who went insane after his encounter with a she-mantis, saying, "You—you were right all along about everything. Well, no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a Pekinese, but...Uh, try to rest, old man. Yes. Ta. Bye now."
• When Giles warns Buffy that the she-mantis is extremely dangerous:
  Buffy: Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around.
  Giles: Yes, in a straitjacket, howling his innards out day and night.
• The Scoobies find the real Natalie French, a kindly 90-year-old woman, and realize Praying Mantis Lady has simply stolen her identity.
  Buffy: She could be anywhere!
  Real Natalie French: (as if to a toddler) No, dear. I'm right here.

"Never Kill a Boy on the First Date" (1x05)

• After Giles finds a ring from one of the slain vampires in the teaser.
  Buffy: Oh, that's great! I kill 'em; you fence their stuff.
• The Master reading a prophecy.
  The Master: "And there will be a time of crisis, of worlds hanging in the balance. And in this time shall come the Anointed, the Master's great warrior. And the Slayer will not know him, will not stop him, and he will lead her into hell." As it is written, so shall it be. "Five will die, and from their ashes, the Anointed shall rise. The brethren of Aurelius shall greet him and usher him to his immortal destiny." As it is written, so shall it be. [referring to the vampire slain in teaser] "And one of the brethren shall go out hunting the night before and get himself killed because he couldn't wait to finish his job before he ate." Oh, wait. [grabs minion by the throat] That's not written anywhere.
• Regarding Emily Dickinson:
  Giles: Yes, um, she's quite a good poet. I mean, for a—
  Buffy: A girl?
  Giles: For an American.
• Cordelia hip-checks Buffy to be first to sit with Owen, spilling Buffy's whole lunch on the floor. But Buffy gets her back with a good one when she says, "Boy, Cordelia's hips are wider than I thought."
• After Buffy protests bailing on her date with Owen to deal with the Order of Aurelius:
  Giles: I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the 12th century, and ask the vampires to defer their prophecy while you take in dinner and a show.
  Buffy: Okay, at this point, you're abusing sarcasm.
  • Funnier because this is Buffy saying it.
• Giles gives Buffy a firm speech about how they must stop the Master and that tonight they head into battle. Cut to Giles and Buffy waiting in a cemetery that night, no vampire to be seen.
  Giles: Perhaps I miscalculated.
  Buffy: I'm thinking yes.
  Giles: Well, you know what they say — ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting.
  Buffy: You couldn't have told me that ninety percent ago?
• Giles tells Buffy that revealing her secret identity could put her and others in danger. She answers, "Well, in that case, I won't wear my button that says, 'I'm a Slayer. Ask me how!'"

"The Pack" (1x06)

• "I suppose some girls might find [Angel] good-looking...[sees Willow's look and breaks]...if they have eyes. All right, he's a honey."
• Xander sniffs Buffy's hair.
  Buffy: ...Okay, now what?
  Xander: You took a bath.
  Buffy: [Beat] Yeah, I-I often do. I'm actually known for it.
  Xander: That's okay.
  Buffy: ...And the Weird Behavior Award goes to...
• Giles hears about Xander's condition.
  Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
  Buffy: Uh-huh.
  Giles: And there's a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
  Buffy: Yes.
  Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
  Buffy: It's bad, isn't it?
  Giles: Ah, it's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen year old boy. Of course, you'll have to kill him.

"Angel" (1x07)

• Xander says guys will do anything to impress a girl.
  Xander: I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath.
  Willow: It was pretty impressive, although later, there was an ick factor.
• After the Three fail him and they offer their lives as penance, the Master is talking to the Anointed One about how taking the life of another vampire is a serious thing.
  The Anointed One: So you would spare them?
  The Master: I am weary, and their deaths will bring me little joy. [turns away]
  [Darla gleefully starts staking the Three]
  The Master: Of course, sometimes, a little is enough.
• Buffy sees her diary lying around and assumes Angel had read it. She gets to the following point in her little rant before Angel tells her that her mother just moved it when she was cleaning.
  Buffy: "A" doesn't even stand for "Angel." It stands for "Achmed," a charming foreign exchange student.
• When Buffy asks the difference between the pre-fumigation party and the post-fumigation party, Xander answers, "Much hardier cockroaches."

"I Robot, You Jane" (1x08)

• Giles and Jenny are going back and forth on analog vs. digital, when Fritz chimes in rather...intensely.
  Fritz: The printed page is obsolete. Information isn't bound up anymore. It's an entity. The only reality is virtual. If you're not jacked in, you're not alive.
  Jenny: Thank you, Fritz...for making us all sound like crazy people.
• "Nazi Germany was an example of a well-ordered society? Who's been editing my files?"
• Xander happens to know the most likely place where Moloch might be hiding out, and Giles is nonplussed by this development.
  Xander: What, I can't have information sometimes?
  Giles: It's just somewhat unprecedented.
• When Jenny points out the blank book and Giles sees the cover with Moloch's face on it, he agrees with her guess that it's a diary and absently ends their argument, his mind already in research mode.
  Giles: Well, it's been so nice talking to you.
  Jenny: We were fighting.
  Giles: Must do it again sometime. Bye now.
• Buffy jumps a chain-link fence and lands on her feet like a badass. Xander jumps the fence and... lands on his face. It's the simple things in life.
• Moloch the Corrupter, a demon who has been released into the Internet, tries to turn Willow:
  Moloch: Don't you see? I can give you everything! I can control the world! Right now, a man in Beijing is transferring money to a Swiss bank account for a contract on his mother's life. (Beat) Good for him!
• After Xander punches out a Mook:
  Xander: HEY!! I got to hit someone!!
• There's something wonderfully Narm Charmy about how Giles puts huge gusto and YELLING into a passage that he's just reading for Jenny to type into the computer.
  • One has to wonder how many exclamation points she added to that...
• The ending. Funny enough at the time, tragically hilarious in hindsight.
  Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here? Turned out to be a vampire.
  Xander: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis?
  Willow: That's true.
  Xander: Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth.
  Buffy: Let's face it: none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
  Xander: We're doomed!
  Willow: Yeah!
  [All laugh, then stop as what they're saying sinks in. They sit in quiet realization until the credits roll.]

"The Puppet Show" (1x09)

• Principal Snyder gets introduced, infamous for deadpan deliveries of a cynical portrayal of kids and berating his predecessor's school policies.
  Snyder: Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days — "discipline." I know Principal Flutie would have said "Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings." That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
  • Another gem:
    Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate. Students loitering on campus after school. Horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking.
• The Scoobies interview various witnesses, trying to figure out who killed Emily, and a pained-looking Xander talks to Cordelia, who claims that "Emma" was her best friend.
  Cordelia: All I can think is, "It could have been me."
  Xander: We can dream.
• The look of exquisite suffering on Giles's face while Cordelia butchers "The Greatest Love of All." (Even funnier after watching the later seasons, where he's revealed as a decent musician.)
  • Also, when she tries to corner him later in the episode:
    Cordelia: ...And [my song] is sappy. And no one is going to be feeling sappy after all that rock and roll. [Giles glares at her in exasperation, then his gaze slides upward] What?
    Giles: Oh, I'm, I'm sorry. Erm... your hair, er...
    Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair? ...Oh my God. [exits]
    Giles: Xander was right. It worked like a charm.
• Xander asking "Does anyone else feel like we've been Keyser Soze'd?"
• Xander pretending to make Sid yell "Redrum! REDRUUUUUM!". Followed by them having matching grins.
• Buffy and Sid's One Dialogue, Two Conversations.
  Sid: You win. Now you can take your heart and your brain and move on.
  Buffy: I'm sure they would have made great trophies for your case.
  Sid: That would have been justice.
  Buffy: Yeah, except for one thing — you lost, and now you'll never be human.
  Sid: Yeah, well. Neither will you.
  Buffy/Sid: [simultaneously] What?!
• Xander, Giles, and Willow's horrified reactions when they see Sid is gone.
• Buffy's reaction to the demon's real face after kicking him in the face and tearing away his skin:
  Buffy: Ewww!

"Nightmares" (1x10)

• With Buffy acting chipper about going to school, Joyce snarks, "Good day to buy that lottery ticket."
• Giles explains about astral bodies, and Buffy asks, "Could I be seeing Billy's asteroid body?"
• Willow enjoying the memory of nearly-naked Xander before catching the look on his face.
• This exchange:
  Xander: Our dreams are coming true.
  Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this. Our nightmares. Our nightmares are coming true.
  Willow: So why is this happening?
  Giles: Billy.
  Xander: Well. That explanation was shorter than usual.
• Cordelia's nightmares are getting horrifically frizzy hair and being forcibly conscripted into the chess club. Willow's smile as she watches this....
• Buffy's nightmare-come-to-life, while terrifying, does have a quip from the Master quoting Cinderella.
  Buffy: This is a dream.
  The Master: A dream is a wish your heart makes. [grabs Buffy by the throat] This is real life.
• Xander's nightmare is a terrifying, laughing, knife-wielding clown he remembers from his sixth birthday party. He, Willow, and Giles run screaming... then Xander stops, thinks about it, and knocks the clown out with one punch.
  Xander: You were a lousy clown! Your balloon animals were pathetic! Everyone can make a giraffe!
  • For that matter, when Xander runs into Willow and asks her if she remembers his sixth birthday party. She starts laughing about the clown before abruptly realizing why he's bringing it up.

"Out of Mind, Out of Sight" (1x11)

• Snyder has one gem:
  Snyder: There are no dead students here. This week.
• Cordelia's hilarious self-centeredness culminates in this statement:
  Cordelia: People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.
  • Her running up to Buffy to ask for help, having figured out that Marcie is after her.
    Cordelia: It's All About Me! Me, me, me!
• Xander's pun regarding a student having seemingly been attacked by a sentient baseball bat (this is prior to the gang discovering that the culprit is the invisible girl Marcie):
  Giles: I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.
  Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat. [everyone stares at him] ...I'm alone on that one, huh?
  • This also comes up later, after Marcie pushes Harmony down the stairs, breaking the latter's ankle:
    Snyder: Don't sue.
• When Cordelia eventually turns to the Scoobies for help:
  Cordelia: Buffy, I, uh, I, I know we've had our differences, with you being so weird and all, and hanging out with these total losers... Well, anyway, despite all of that, I know that you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down ...
  Willow: Nausea?
  • On a related note, one of the reasons she decides to ask Buffy of help is because she saw how strong Buffy was in addition to all the weapons she had, so she started to assume she was in a gang.
• After getting her a chair so she can sit with the Scoobies, Giles mentions that he's never seen her in the library before. Cordy's response, delivered with complete earnestness:
  Cordelia: Oh, no; I have a life.
• And then there's Xander's lampshading of the fact that, for once, Cordelia's It's All About Me attitude is actually correct, this time.

"Prophecy Girl" (1x12)

• Xander is trying to rehearse asking Buffy out, but it isn't going so well.
  Xander: "You know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um...a mate, and then we can...observe their mating rituals and tag them before they migrate." Just kill me!
• During an earthquake, the Master gives a hammy monologue about how it is a sign of the apocalypse. When it is done, he turns to the Anointed One and does what any Californian would do after an earthquake:
  The Master: What do you think? 5.1?
• After Buffy spurns his declaration of love, Xander tells Willow he's going to go home, lie down, and "listen to country music... the music of pain."
  • When Willow tries to call him later on, Xander is sprawled on his bed with the phone off the hook as Patsy Cline plays in the background.
• While they're on their way to the Master's lair, Xander accuses Angel of checking out his neck, they bicker back and forth like a married couple, and Xander says, "I told you to eat before we left."
• The Gag Echo of everyone telling Buffy that they like her dress (even the Master after he's killed her). The closing lines of the episode?
  Angel: By the way, I really like your—
  Buffy: Yeah, yeah, it's a big hit with everyone.