Listen up, dweebs! Seein' as how I'm me, it's time I gave ya the real lowdown on the Main Man.
Name's Lobo, and I kill people. That ain't my real name, by the way - you dweebs can't pronounce it, but it translates to He Who Devours Your Entrails And Thoroughly Enjoys It. I'm the best fraggin' bounty hunter the galaxy has to offer - ferget the guy in the potbowl helmet. I grew up on a rock named Czarnia, which was full of dweebs. So when I took chemistry in high school, I mixed up somethin' special to show 'em how I really felt. Fragged every last one of them for that year's Science project, gave myself an A. Anyways, afterwards I got hold of a chain and hook, and a nice bike, and I've pretty much been boozin' and fightin' my way across the galaxy ever since.
Some of the nerds around here might try to tell ya I'm some sort of parody of a Nineties Anti-Hero, but try laughin' at the Main Man and I'll blow yer head off. In any case I predate most of them, first appearing in "Omega Men" #3 (June, 1983), The Dark Age of Comic Books where those guys became standard didn't start for about another three years. Records of my life turned up in my own 4 issue mini-series (November, 1990-February, 1991). The readers seemed to love it, as more mini-series turned up and sold well. I next got my own regular series which lasted for 64 issues, from December, 1993 to July, 1999. Not that I ever stopped appearing in the pages of series named after other guys.
Other'n that, I'm pretty much what I look like. Oh, and I like dolphins. What, ya think that's funny? Waitaminnit. There, here's yer spine back.
The New 52 has taken its toll on my glorious self by making me conspicuously unglorious. Those bastiches turned me into a nancy boy◊! Oh wait, turns out, I'm in it, as a fake? No way chumps, I ain't standin' fer this!
Always Someone Better: Yes fine fine, that no good goody-goody Dax managed to get the drop on me and pressganged me into working for his wussy L.E.G.I.O.N outfit. He just got lucky, that's all!
Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Ya can find numerous examples of me breaking a lotta laws to various degrees, with a decent list being under List of Transgressions, and Iíve done all three offenses themselves taí boot.
Badass: I wouldn't be the best Bounty Hunter in the galaxy if I couldn't throw do with all the targets who can smash planets by punching them.
Badass Biker: I'm DC's best example of this! Heck, my hog's so fraggin' awesome, she leaves black holes in'er dust!
Canon Discontinuity: Some fanboy dweebs might have noticed that I ain't exactly myself in my early appearances. In fact, I ain't even Czarian; in Omega Men I'm a Velorpian whose species got fragged by the Psions. Nobody ever talks about that though... if they know what's good for them.
Heel-Face Revolving Door: Hey, if the price is right, nothin' personal, but I gotta frag ya. Now if you're offerin' somethin' better than the other guy, well, I might be persuaded to do that whole team-up thing. Maybe.
Hilarity Ensues: Oh boy, this could have an entire page dedicated to it. In fact, it Ďíshouldíí have a page dedicated to it! But I guess olí Lobo can tell you about The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special. In it, a couple finds a book about how the Easter Bunny got drunk and hired me to take out olí Santa. Itís as amazing as it sounds.
Humiliation Conga: Bah, first I got offed by Loo and his filthy coward of a brother, Feces, then I get dropped in some wussy afterlife with wings and harps and crap, so I try to liven the place up a bit, and get dropped into the Other Place for my troubles. Then I got kicked out of THERE for enjoying it! Finally, the Powers That Be had enough of me and let me get reincarnated, only first they send me back as a woman, and then as a friggin SQUIRREL! It took me wiping out half the Celestial host for them to finally dump my soul back into my original body and seal me from the afterlife permanently. I tell ya, it aint easy being the Main Man.
I Gave My Word: And the Main Man's word is his bond. If I make a promise, I'm gonna keep it. Course, if I should happen to be released from a promise, watch out. And pay attention to just what I promised, not what you geeks might think I promised.
Jerkass: First of all, the only fragginí reason I still have a heart is because the damn thing keeps regenerating back. But try to make a case for an inner softie after seeing some of my work.
Kick the Dog: Anybody remember Dawg, the bulldog that occasionally appeared alongside me? No? THEN YA DIDNíT READ THE FLIPPINí THE BIRD ENTRY YA FRAGGINí BASTICH! But yeah, I kinda sorta kicked him a bit until he stopped moving. And existing. But donít worry too much. Heís appeared later.
Knife Nut: Does the nickname "Mr. Machete" mean anything to you?
Kryptonite Factor: Turns out some gases can knock me out, slow my regeneration, sap most of my physical strength and other stuff.
Wanted for crimes against the Galaxy including: Genocide ... Fratricide ... Patricide ... Matricide ... Impersonating a member of the Intergalactic Church of Truth ... Impersonating a member of the Green Lantern Crops ... Carrying a concealed thermo-nuclear device ... Breaking into the Justice League Satellite ... Fishing without a license ... Jaywalking ... Grand theft plasma rocket ... Disturbance of the peace across three space sectors ... 1,978,643,896 unpaid parking permits ... Illegal bounty hunting ... Wanton destruction of government property ... Demolishing a city without a permit ... Reckless endangerment toward animals ... Hijacking ... Selling/distributing radioactive material to cute fluffybunny rabbits ... Noise infractions level 5.0 ... Illegally poaching Starros ... Bounty Huntering in a restricted zone ... Stepping on the grass ... Defecating in a public garden ... Loitering ... Advocating the overthrow of the heads of state ... Not honoring the bounty hunter code.
Local Hangout: I just love Al's diner! And Al and Darlene love it when I show up too. Mainly because the guys who rebuild the city every time I wreck the place always eat there! They make a ton of cash. (Only hard part is making sure I don't wreck the diner too...)
Meaningful Name: My name's Khundian for "he who devours your entrails and thoroughly enjoys it".
Money, Dear Boy: Hell, I'll frag myself if it's worth enough! (And I have, too!)
Popularity Power: On the receiving end in Marvel VS DC when pit against Wolverine. The winner for each fight was determined by the votes from the readers, so of course that dweeb was their choice of winner, but I was so far out of his leaguenote he didn't even have his adamentium claws at the time, just bone ones, so he couldn't even hurt me that the writers didn't actually show the fight because they couldn't think of a way for him to beat me. He was lucky, the bald guy he works for paid me to throw the fight so it wouldn't bruise his ego.
Pretty Boy: What the New 52 turned me into. A mistake they'll correct real soon if they value their internal organs remaining internal.
Red Baron: Alright, letís run through the list. The Main Man, Scourge o' the Cosmos, The Last Czarnian, The Destroyer, The Master Fragger, The 'Bo, The Wolf, Mister Machete, He Who Devours Your Entrails and Thoroughly Enjoys It, and thatís just naming a few of Ďem.
Self-Made Orphan: My parents didn't get through my childhood in too good a shape. Dweebs just didn't know how to nurture me right.
Super Senses: Having good senses is great for hunting down the bastiches I need to catch. I can find bastiches across a galaxy with my nose.
Super Strength: Superman wasn't knocked over by my fists' good looks. Or maybe he was. Who knows?
The Nose Knows: Itís like I told that clown. Once I get yer scent, thereís nowhere in da universe where you can hide from me.
The Unfettered: Once the Main Man puts his mind to it, he can destroy anything.
Tomato in the Mirror: You know, you'd think that the Main Man was the first guy someone would think of when they heard that the "ultimate Bastich" who had destroyed a whole solar system, but I was actually the guy who they sent to bring him in. Well, turns out it was me - me and the Mask. And I didn't figure it out until I fought another Mask. (Those Timey-Wimey Ball things can drive ya nuts...)