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Special 1: Kitten and Emps play a Children's Card Game
- If you listen closely to the faint noise that plays during the disclaimers at the start of the special, you'll notice that it's just the TTS intro theme, played at a rapid and highly sped-up rate.
- When Kitten refuses to immediately go out and unplug Roboute Guilliman's life support, the Emperor challenges him to a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker over it. Kitten makes the mistake of complaining that he doesn't know how to play "Paradox-Billiards-Hyperbole Chips Poker."The Emperor: I will have a Tech-Priest give you the knowledge instantly through the power of science.
Tech-Priest: (hits Kitten over the head with a mallet)
The Emperor: There you go. - The Fabstodes are initially delighted that Kitten will be banished when he loses and plan on taking his place as the Emperor's caretaker, until Emps informs them that he's making it an Ultra-Game and will banish the lot of them to Ultramar if Kitten loses.Karstodes: KITTEN! You are our only hope! Ple-he-he-hease win!
Custodisi: If you win, we won't steal your lunch for an entire week! I swear!
Whammudes: No promises are made!
Kitten: Fine, I'll try to play, I guess. As long as you look away when the whole "strip" part comes into play.
Whammudes: No promises are made! - The other Custodes are reduced to Combat Commentators, with Cutodisi only able to ask "How his Kitten ever going to win NOW?" in an increasingly strained and inarticulate voice, until it sounds like he's having a stroke.
- Only three cards into the Emperor's turn and Kitten can see the shape of the game to come.Kitten: I'm sorry, but isn't that super cheap? I mean, why wouldn't you have those cards in your deck? There's no reason not to.
The Emperor: I am the Emperor and thus destined to wield the very best cards humanity has ever created.
Kitten: Including the broken ones?
The Emperor: The meta is not exactly merciful in the Warp, sunshine. - The summoning of Mega Ultra Chicken is accompanied by an overpowering glow.Karstodes: It... it's so bright!
Custodisi: Are the legends true?! Is Lord Emperor really summoning it?!
Whammudes: This light reflecting upon my glistening skin is BLINDING MEEEEEE!! - Karstodes gets to remind Kitten to "believe in the heart of the cards!"Kitten: (deadpan) Cards don't need to circulate blood.
Whammudes: The heart is but one muscle you must believe in, Kitten! The tongue, the pecs, and the firm buttocks - all too are integral parts of the card you must put your faith in! - As the Emperor's first turn taking forever playing overpowered after overpowered card Kitten finally gets fed up with how ridiculous the entire situation is and he starts to sass the Emperor.Kitten: Seriously, what kind of cheap card is that? You can't have a game with a card THAT overpowered in it.
The Emperor: Only I have one so it is fair.
Kitten: (blatantly fed up) Does anyone even play this game except you?
The Emperor: ...Tzeentch does.
Kitten: Well, Tzeentch is a giant nerd now, isn't he?
The Emperor: Shut up and make your move. I need you to get to Ultramar now, before the dishes stack up too tightly. - Despite the Emperor's long string of stupidly overpowered cards, Kitten is able to defeat him with two cards - Giant Trunade to put all the Emperor's traps and buffs back into his hand, and Wind-Up Kitten to put the Winged Warrior of Terra back into the Emperor's hand, leaving him defenseless.The Emperor: WAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAW-note \\Kitten: And yes, Wind-Up Kitten! Attack his life points directly with your... wind-up cat attack.
(Wind-Up Kitten meows and rings like a bicycle bell, before smacking off the Emperor's face, depleting his life points)Karstodes: He, he did it! Kitten actually did it! We're free!Custodisi: I am surprised by his immense fortitude! Truly this was a great battle of wits!Whammudes: I was promised stripping, but there was none. They just p-played a fucking children's card game, I mean - [blue-balled sigh] ugh.- The realization that the Emperor plays such a poor game that he needed to use stupidly overpowered cards... and still somehow manages to lose.
- To add salt in the wound, one of the cards played by the Emperor, the Golden Castle of Stromberg, is so broken it technically doesn't even exist. The version The Emperor is using is an anime-only variant created solely for cheating by a computer, the real equivalent isn't nearly as broken.
- The Emperor built Kitten's deck too, and in the process of giving him cat-themed cards just to insult him, absentmindedly gave Kitten exactly what he needed to counter his own game-breakers.
- "This spin-off was dumb. Let Us Never Speak of This Again."
Special 2: Warp Hijinx
- Just to set the tone, the whole thing kicks off with Leman Russ welcoming the Inquisition to living in what he calls a "Shit-ridden galactic Fjord."
- One Stormtrooper brings up that The Warp isn't galactic, showing surprising knowledge of it's properties and nature. However, this prompts the other Inquisition members to plot his demise and Leman to call him a nerd.
- There are too many moments in the roll call to choose. So here's the whole thing.Elirush: The Grey Knights and the Ordo Malleus, present! We shall search out and kill ALL OF THE DAEMONS!
Donklas: The Ordo Hereticus, present. We're going to kill that Stormtrooper in a bit. Unless he explodes by himself. Like the others... [possibly aroused snicker] note
Canoness Albia Thorne: The Sisters of Battle of the Adepta Sororitas, present! Well, some of us at least. The Ecclesiarchy breaking apart and everything else drove some of us a bit MAD. But uh... yeah anyway PURGE THE HERETICS!
Adrielle: Ordo Xenos, present! We're here to kill GENESTEALERS~! (The Inquisitors around her cheer like school children)
Calato: Deathwatch, represent. Lion for Life, dogfucker. other Deathwatch Marines gasp and recoil\
Stormtrooper: Inquisitorial Stormtroopers of the Ordo Tempestus, present. We are actively trying not to explode-
Taurox: [TAUROX SPEAK] note
Kaldor Draigo: Appearing out of nowhere with an army of himself. ORDO DRAIGO PRESENT. WE WILL PROVIDE THE HAMS! - Pretty much all of Leman's "Reason You Suck" Speech to the Chapters, gleefully telling them why they have no chance and are going to die;Leman: Alritey then! Yer all pathetic in your own little ways. So let me point out your flaws and tell ya why you won't survive here.
- To the Ordo Malleus, he calls them the Inquisitorial equivalent of spoiled, rich children. Also their accents are weird, and full of waffles.Ordo Malleus: WHOT.
- To the Ordo Hereticus, he calls them the Inquisitorial equivalent of child molesters, saying they'll probably kill more people than daemons.Donklas: [definitely aroused snicker]
- Leman talking to the Adeptus Sororitas:Russ: Daemons of Khorne are gonna eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once yer red rage begins.
*Sound of a glass breaking*
Albia Thorne: That is literally the absolute worst thing you could have said. Thank you.- Made doubly funny when you hear the original recording
- Zoran was Late to the Punchline on that one, and his reaction mirrors the Canoness'.
- Made doubly funny when you hear the original recording
- Leman bluntly telling the Ordo Xenos that they don't even know what daemons are.Adrielle: Do they steal genesnote ?
Leman: (While walking away) Yeeeeer gonna die. - When Leman gets to berating Calato, he uses a Space Marine version of the Navy SEALS copypasta. Doubles as a Awesome Moment, as unlike the fine fellow who was the subject of said copypasta. Leman is a Primarch who can back every single solitary word of it up.Russ: Well, first off, you're probably not used to the whole "killing things that aren't Tau or some other pansy species" thing. And second off.... You. Dark Angel.
Calato: Just stop breathing. I can smell the ammonia from here.
Russ: What in the wolf did you just howlin' say about me, you little milksop? I'll have ye know I was throned at the top of my tribe in the Kingdom of the Russ, and I've been involved in numerous executions of traitor Primarchs and I have over 300 million confirmed kills! I am trained in wolf warfare, and I am the top C. Q. C. Expert in the entire Imperium. Ye are NOTHIN' to me but just ANOTHER NANCY LIONLOVER BITCH.- Later, once he's thoroughly drunk, Calato approaches Russ to apologize calling him his uncle. As Space Marines generally consider themselves the children of their Primarch, so calling Russ his uncle is fairly accurate. Russ just rolls with it.Calato: *Slurring* Look, I'm...I'm sorry—[Cough]—bwugh. Oooh, I'm...I'm sorry for what I said before, I...It was just the old Dank Angels/Sparse Dogs rivalaraly...I didn—uugh—BUGHR—I didn't uuh...mean it personally, ya know? You're still my, uh...You're still my uncle, right?
Russ: *Reassuringly* I am still your uncle.
- Later, once he's thoroughly drunk, Calato approaches Russ to apologize calling him his uncle. As Space Marines generally consider themselves the children of their Primarch, so calling Russ his uncle is fairly accurate. Russ just rolls with it.
- "Also, fuck recaf"
- Leman on the Imperial Guardsmen.Russ: I feel that yer very presence is enough to show why ye really shouldn't be here.
Guardsman: I agree. *Explodes randomly* - Once Russ has finished summing up the faults of everyone present except himself, Draigo and Fyodor:Russ: The lot of ye are not gonna survive a single sunrise in the Warp at this rate.
Fyodor: There are suns... in the Warp?
Draigo: (floating above them and shining golden) I AM ONE!
- To the Ordo Malleus, he calls them the Inquisitorial equivalent of spoiled, rich children. Also their accents are weird, and full of waffles.
- Leman's attempt at Warp survival training appropriately amounts to getting utterly wasted on alcohol made from Bloodthirster ichor and combat drugs and then going off to troll daemons. Which somehow WORKS.
- The fact that Leman's homemade brew generates a palpable aura of Menace serves as one. Even better is Fyodor's reaction.Fyodor: *clearly worried* What are those beverages made of?
Russ: This is my attempt at remaking the good ol' recipe for Fenresian Ale by combining Bylestim note and the distilled liver-juices of a Bloodthirster!
Fyodor: Are you telling us to literally drink liquid chaos?
Russ: YES YA BLEEDIN' SOUPHEAD, DRINK THE WOLFIN' CHAOS! - Everyone's reaction to getting drunk of Leman's ale is pure gold.Adrielle: Ooooh myyyyy... *Collapses to the floor* Broodlord-kuuuuun~...
Elirush: SSSSSÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅSSSS!
Donklas: WEH, Wheere did I get this mask from anywayyy?
Canoness of the Order of Our Martyred Lady: *Drunkenly* You're the Heretic.
Canoness of the Order of the Sacred Rose: *Also Drunkenly* Naw Gurl. You're the Heretic.
Canoness of the Order of Our Martyred Lady: Nohohoo, you're the heretic.
Canoness of the Order of the Sacred Rose: waAAaw... What is the definishun of a heretic anyway?
Canoness of the Order of Our Martyred Lady: Noooooo! You're the heretic.
Fyodor: Oh... oooohhh... holy thrones on a... throne on a... throne... I feel... AMAZING. - Skarbrand hates everything. Including being outside. Or inside. He'd rather stay in the doorframe; he hates that slightly less.
- Leman killing a Daemonette by blue balling it. Crosses over with Awesome.Fyodor: YEHEHAAH! I give that 15 out of 10...virus...bombings...
Elirush: SSSSSÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅSSSS! - How does our merry band of drunken idiots mess with Epidemius, Tallyman of Nurgle? Bombard him with bar soap and an entire bathtub.Epidemius: Excuse me, that is incredibly offensive, could you stop—*An onslaught of soap is thrown at him—OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
- Kairos, Vizier of Tzeentch, is asked by Adrielle if he's a Genestealer. Being the living embodiment of a Knights and Knaves puzzle, he answers both yes and no.Adrielle: I KNEW IT [ATTACK SCREAM]
Kairos: AAAAAAAAAAA! NO!! NOT THE FACE!
Halloween Special: Shadows Over the Immateriums
- The Halloween special Shadow Over Immateriums is mostly a combination of a film noir hardboiled detective story with Lovecraftian horror involving Genestealer cults and the Tyranid invasion played nearly completely straight and humor free, but toward the end, right as the detective Bruce Norring is about to be infected by the cult...Norring: I'll never be a slave to genestealers!
Adrielle: Did someone say.... GENESTEALERS?! (proceeds to burst through the Warp and destroy the entire cult in seconds.)
Norring: Who are you? WHAT ARE YOU?!
Adrielle: ....drunk. Bye-bye now~! (disappears into the Warp again)- As everyone stares in disbelief at Adrielle's return Draigo pops up out of nowhere.Draigo: HI INTERNET!
- As everyone stares in disbelief at Adrielle's return Draigo pops up out of nowhere.
- As an example of the Hive World's inhabitant's cruelty, we see two guys in the street arguing. Or rather, we see one guy shouting at another guy voiced by a clip of Gordon RamsayHive Worlder: LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN! FUCK OFF FUCK OFF-
The Slaaneshmas Prologue
- The origin of Slaaneshmas: while torment and pain are perfectly adequate to sustain Slaanesh, he/she/they/it subsist on all strong emotions. Thus, to prevent the meal from getting samey, his/her/their/its followers try to spread joy through the universe as a change of pace. The problem is that they're really bad at it, as evidenced by the trail of corpses Lucius left while on his way to meet up with Ahriman.
- Lucius's plan to broadcast to everyone in the galaxy using tech borrowed from Bob. Or as everyone else knows him, Fabius Bile.
Special 3: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐥𝐚𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐦𝐚𝐬 𝐒𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥
- Lucius uses the mass broadcaster device in order to force everyone in the Imperium to watch his show. It manages to surpass his prank show in audacity.
- For bonus points, the entire opening is a giant Shout-Out to The Eric Andre Show.
- Lucius sets up someone to stab him in the back, possesses them using his powers, and then devolves into a Newton's Cradle of backstabbing.
- Lucius terrorizes Little Billy to make him conjure a warp rift, then pulls whatever Imperial happens to be at the destination back through with him, kills them, then terrorizes Little Billy all over again. Hundreds of times.note
- Draigo shows up at one point in all his ludicrous glory. The kicker? He was invited to be there, he just didn't wait for his cue.
- After a brief incident with Draigo and a commercial pause, Lucius can be seen smoking several blunts at once to calm down. Ahriman? He's huffing the dust off a Tome of Eldritch Lore.Lucius: Oh, wow. That's pretty brutal.
Ahriman: Get on my level, scrub. - Apparently Lucius has mixed up the contact information of Kharn and Sly Marbo before. How does he know he didn't do it this time? Sly Marbo actually showed up and completely fucks things up.Ahriman: Are you sure you didn't mix up his contact details with Sly Marbo's again?
Lucius: Nope! I'm 100% certain of that!
Ahriman: How come?
Lucius: Because SLY MARBO IS HERE RIGHT NOW! *Rumbling starts and intensifies rapidly* GIVE IT UP FOR OUR NEXT GUEST!!!
Ahriman: OH SHIT!!!
*CRASH*
Sly Marbo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Lucius: *Garbled through broadcast interruptions* FIGHT ME, BITCH! - Fabius Bile shows up in person and manages to blow all the other insanity out of the water. First he announces that he'll be doing a solo Black Crusade without Abbadon.Lucius: Well, I mean... I guess it's not like you're short of Super Soldiers to bring along, right?
Fabius Bile: Oh no, I ain't doing that.
Lucius: [genuinely confused] Pardon?
Fabius: I did say this was a SOLO Black Crusade, dog. I'm doin' this shit by MYSELF.
Lucius: Oookay, time out for a second, the dick are you talking about right now? - Fabius doesn't take being questioned well.Fabius: *cough* BITCH! I could clone ANYONE!
Lucius: That...that wasn't what I-
Fabius: In fact, just to prove my point: Ladies and motherfuckers, here before your eyes, is Ahriman 2.0!
Ahriman: Hey, you leave me out of this shit- - Then he unveils his attempt to clone Ahriman, freaking out both of the hosts, before getting into an argument with the original about caring for their son.Lucius: WHAT THE UNHOLY LORDY LOO?!
Ahriman: WHAT IN TZEENTCH'S BLUE BALLS IS THAT?!
Fabius Bile: It's a work in progress. - The various scenes of people reacting to Lucius' show. First Magnus and Kitten, then Emps, Rogal, Decius, Karstodes, and the tech priest from Episode 24. Most of whom are filled with Bile Fascination.Kitten: It's like that feeling when you see a jetbike crash and there are broken bodies and blood flying everywhere and you just can't look away even though you want to.
- Rogal, Decius, and Karstodes are lounging in front of the Golden throne on bean bags.
- For the first time since his introduction Rogal actually gets legitimately angry about something. Is he furious because the enemies of man are forcing all of humakind to watch their twisted show? Nope! Is he furious becaus said show is a nonsensical trainwreck that seems to only get worse the more one watches it? Uh-uh. The real thing that makes him so angry is because Lucius keeps breaking perfectly well-crafted desks for the sake of a gag. He then admits that he's only there because the others have snacks.
- Lucius's musical number over a montage of alien murder.
- Toward the end of the special, Ahriman explains that this is the one day where the servants of the Chaos Gods will not commit atrocities on innocents, and explains that even after ten thousand years of the Long War, there is still one thing that unites the Forces of Chaos and the Imperium of Man: Literal xenophobia. Cue a montage of Chaos and Imperium troops teaming up to slaughter all manner of Orks, Eldar, Tyrannid and Tau as Lucius sings a cover of "White Christmas".
- The final scene with Magnus and Kitten.Magnus: Alright companion, put on Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I relate to him on so many levels!
- It gets even better. Zegram, Magnus' VA revealed this line was actually a blooper! The comment is actually pinned at the top of the video to boot.Zegram: THE RUDOLPH JOKE WAS JUST A BLOOPER, ALFA YOU RASCAL
Alfabusa: It had to be included to keep in line with the very likely theory that Magnus is a giant reference to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer except with tragedy and space and no reindeer.
- It gets even better. Zegram, Magnus' VA revealed this line was actually a blooper! The comment is actually pinned at the top of the video to boot.
- The show finally concludes, the Emperor is ready to go back to mourning Sanguinius, and Decius remembers one mild, fourth wall-stressing detail...The Emperor: This abomination of a show has come to a close. Now I can go back to saying "Sob" repeatedly.
Karstodes: Do you think people will actually go along with this crazy idea?
Rogal: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Decius: Wait, didn't Sanguinala end, like, three months ago?note - The Emperor appears to be using his glass eye as a movie projector.
Special 4: Kitten and Tzeentch play a Children's Card Game
- Right off the bat, we get Magnus referring to Nocturne as "the Salamander's hidey-hole" in an adorably sing-song voice.
- Magnus trying to get Kitten to play Ouija, who thinks it's called the Luigi board. And apparently even forty thousand years in the future, it's still made by Hasbro.
- The actual conversation itself, and its subtitles is hilarious:[Magnus pulls down the Ouija board]
[beat]
Kitten: Are we going to learn the alphabet?
Magnus: In-corr-ect.
Kitten: [heart-rending] Oh.
Magnus: This! Is a Ouija board!
Kitten: Oh, sweet!
Magnus: Yes indeed!
Kitten: I've always wanted to play luigi board.
[awkward pause]
Magnus: Never say these words again.
Kitten: [the melancholy of no luigi] Aww. - And then there's his reaction to being told he has to place his hand on the planchette for it to work, backed by Luigi Circuit slowed down.Kitten: (almost seductively) Let'sa go...
- The actual conversation itself, and its subtitles is hilarious:
- Kitten refuses to place his hand on the planchette.Magnus: But why though?
Kitten: I must firmly grip my weapon ever and always.
Magnus: But why though?
Kitten: As a Custodian Guard, I must be ever-vigilant.
Magnus: Are you even capable of letting it go?
Kitten: No. - Tzeentch forcibly morphing Magnus into his canon model (to help drive model sales).Magnus: I HAVE NIPPLES ON MY HEAD!
- Later Magnus realizing he can't change himself back.Magnus: ALIRGHT! Time to...t-tou...Time...to...eeeuuuuUUUUUUHHH NOOOOOOO! I can't turn back to normal! Oh, no, no, NO! Father is gonna make so many CHICKEN PUNS at my expense I'll go—[inhale]—FULL-ON HORUS HERESY MARK TWO ElectricBoogalooNowInStores.
- Later Magnus realizing he can't change himself back.
- Magnus' immediate reaction to Kitten wagering Magnus' soul in a card game with Tzeentch is absolutely priceless:
- The subtitles seeming incapable of telling if Tzeentch's vocalizations count as a laugh... or what any of his vocalizations are for that matter.[possibly laughing]
[possibly a mollusk imitating a turkey]
[still not sure if this is a laugh]]
[most likely screeching tires]
[perhaps a snide old lady?]
[holy shit stay away perchance]
[a barely contained snigger or something]
[probably SWOLE TURKEY]
[supposedly laughes in eldritch]
[probable discontent]
[presumed to be screech of HATRED]
[OH FUCK STAY BACK] - Tzeentch trying to drag Magnus back home. Magnus proceeds to act like a stubborn child and throws a tantrum.Magnus: Nowannago!
Tzeentch: We're going!
Magnus: Nooooooooo!
Tzeentch: Stop or I'll put you in time-out, young mister!
Magnus: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
Tzeentch: (Suddenly appears terrifying) WELL I’M THE BEST YOU GOT!- Also take note that Magnus' eye going back and forth from being that of this True Form and his default, depending on his mood.
- In contrast to Tzeentch's genuine interest in the idea that Kitten knows how to play the game Magnus throws a massive lampshade over the entire proceedings.Tzeentch: Reeeeally now? So that loony shaman-chassis actually packs you trivial beings with such cranial capacity... Hmmm... It is rare for mortals to master such an intricate clash of the minds.
Kitten: This is the opposite of true.
Magnus: The only thing intricate about this game is its ban list. - When Kitten intervenes, Tzeentch calls him a "silvery doorstop," then "silverware."
- Funnier still is that there were a few times before this where Kitten managed to catch himself and not protest, knowing damn good and well who he's dealing with.
- Tzeentch naturally agrees to duel Kitten in a children's card game for ownership of Magnus' soul, but ups the ante by making it an Ultra-Game, in which the loser will be banished to the Shadow Real- er, Ultramar.Kitten: Okay, for real though, what's with the beef about being sent to Ultramar?
Tzeentch: I don't know, but the Deceiver says it flippin' sucks, dude. - When Morphing Jar activates and Tzeentch starts going through his deck to find another monster card, he flicks his cards into the gravewarp one by one, saying "flick" each time, until...Magnus: Stop... flicking... your... cards.
(Beat)
Tzeentch: Flick-flick-flick-flick-flick-
Magnus: (in demon form) AAARRRRGGGHHH!!! - Magnus is exasperated when Kitten's "Magic Turnade" seemingly derails Tzeentch's strategy.Magnus: Oh wow! A massive play undone by a SINGLE card. Only in a children's card game—(beat, Magnus clicks his tongue) You know what? I play Red/Blue. I am NOT allowed to criticize here.
- Extra hilarious considering that Red/Blue is the colors Tzeentch's strategy would be in that game, since it focuses on combos. Like in this episode, Red/Blue is generally hated for how long it takes for a player to take their turn. Not to mention that both Magnus and Tzeentch have Red and Blue in their color schemes.
- Even further, this turned out to be Accidentally Correct as years later a Warhammer 40k tie-in set added in Magnus himself as a Red/Blue commander.
- Then when Tzeentch counters with Dark Bribe.
- When things look bad, Kitten remembers to "believe in the spleen of the cards."
- Magnus ruins Tzeentch's fun when Kitten realizes that Tzeentch has been reading his mind to check out his cards.Kitten: Wuh—wait.
Tzeentch: What?
Kitten: Can you hear my thoughts?
Tzeentch: Oh, what are thoughts, really?
Magnus: Yes he can!
Tzeentch: Screw you, Magnus! - When Magnus runs interference to level the playing field, Kitten solemnly thanks him and vows to "never forget this day, in which you helped me help you by winning a children's card game."
- Kitten turning Tzeentch's pointlessly circular questions back on him by, when the game looks like it's about to be decided by a coin flip, shooting the coin so it lands in his favor. Turns out the Architect of Fate can dish it out, but can't take it.Magnus: (mockingly) Oh look, it's tails.
Tzeentch: Hey! I saw that with all twelve of my eyes!
Kitten: Saw what?
Tzeentch: (with images of giant crying babies in the background) You cheated! You shot it while it was in the air so it stopped spinning somehow!
Kitten: (conceited sniff) "Cheated," you say?
Tzeentch: That's. Against. The rules.
Kitten: What are rules really though?
Tzeentch: AN INTERESTING QUESTION ASSHOLE!!!- Another thing about this to note is that while Tzeentch's background becomes crying babies in this scene, Kitten's is filled with smug babies.
- Kitten wins not by trying to outsmart Tzeentch when it comes to mind games, but by calling upon the mortal virtues of sacrifice and brotherhood... in the form of playing a lot of cat-themed monster cards.Tzeentch: What are you trying to prove with this line of pathetic creatures?
Kitten: I am demonstrating to you the true power of the Imperium, through the use of small, fluffy animals! - Kitten tries a Pre-Mortem One-Liner as he cinches the game against the Master of Mentalism and Lord of Fate.Kitten: Looks like you gotta change your mind!
Tzeentch: ...That's AWFUL! - In the end, Kitten belatedly remembers what the stakes of the game were.Kitten: By the way, do I technically own your soul-
Magnus: ALRIGHT! - The two decide to "play a card game that is actually good." Kitten says he wants to play Call of Duty... while pulling out something with the cover art of Battlefield, but with Halo as a title, for the original Xbox.
- Though it is subtler, and needs a little Genius Bonus from those who actually play Yu-Gi-Oh!, there is also the realization Tzeentch only got as far as he did because practically every single card he used was a Game-Breaker banned from normal play. Have a look.
- Also, if you look closely, up in the right hand corner is a list of all the cards in Kitten's hand. They only go away after Magnus blocks Tzeentch's mind-reading powers. So yes, Tzeentch was literally using a cheat tool to read Kitten's hand.
- Another hilarious aspect of the Special's Genius Bonus moments to anyone who pays attention to the rules is that Kitten and Tzeentch aren't even playing the game right. Take note of how Magical Explosion deals only 200 Life Point damage than the 300 Tzeentch said... and even more pressingly, the Mystical Space Typhoon Kitten uses to destroy and negate said Magical Explosion doesn't even negate it anyways, meaning if they actually followed the rules, Tzeentch would have beaten Kitten. Really gives context to "What are rules really, though?" on both Tzeentch's and Kitten's part, does it?
- To add on the Magical Explosion aspect, Tzeentch clearly lied about the effect for the lulz since with a 60 card deck he still probably had 40 spell cards in the graveyard anyway.
- Kitten's voice during the duel inexplicably becomes deeper, as if he's channeling the Pharaoh (Or possibly the Emperor). He even says "Reborn the Monster" instead of "Monster Reborn!" No one makes note of it and it changes back immediately after he and Tzeentch stop playing cards.
- The fact that Wind Up Kitten is effectively Kitten's signature card. Kitten, when forced to discard his hand, is mostly concerned about the loss of Wind Up Kitten, who gets a short shot of falling into the abyss, and is later the monster that delivers the final blow to Tzeentch.
Special 5: Just Aeldari Things
- The Eldar apparently are intentionally vague while talking to "mon-keigh" solely for the sake of trolling them. Eldrad also does so to other Eldar... for the exact same reason.
- Some spectacular mood whiplash while Eldrad is being somber about his race's survival, while walking in front of an unusually vocal mural:Eldrad: This really is not the time for tomfoolery, though. The Despoiler gathers his forces in the Eye...
Abaddon mural: FUCK YOOOOOOOOOU!!!
Eldrad: The children of man stir and breathe anew,-
Emperor mural: [Skeleton Shriek]
Eldrad: -eons of corrosion shuffled off...- Said mural will go on to periodically scream in the background every now and then during the entire video, including the credits.
- Added hilarity: Abaddon is voiced by Takahata101! He also screams again when his name appears in the credits.
- The entire chat between Eldrad and Vect is full of hilarity, mostly because Vect is an epitome of Faux Affably Evil and milks his own utter evil for all it's worth, not to mention has a blast trolling the shit out of Eldrad.
- Vect gets bonus points for two things. One: His entire party being a massive excuse to off half of Archons in attendance with the rest being collateral, Vect himself leaving as the gas starts filtering in, and Two: Vect's refusal to even lift his arms to imbibe in his wine, instead making a disturbing looking slave creature called "Timothy" pour it into his mouth. Vect's bodyguard seems disturbingly into watching this happen.
- A very specific (and dark) example: The Dark Eldar are playing "pin the tail on the Mon-Keigh"(incidentally, in case you haven't noticed, Mon-Keigh don't have tails).Human screams horribly offscreen
Vect: Oh hoo, well that is a fun color!
- A meta one, from Alfa's twitter:Alfabusa: I'd like to point out a thing that might be my favourite part of the new video. It is the fact that I forced StringStorm to make me an original speedcore track for Vect's party. 'Cause If there's anything the Drukhari would listen to, it'd be god awful, horrifying speedcore. The thing that makes it even funnier is that String doesn't want to release the track on his channel 'cause speedcore just doesn't deserve the time of day, which is 100% understandable.
- StringStorm himself did end up releasing it later, full of apologies and jokes about the Dark Eldar's terrible, terrible taste. Even the song itself amuses, you can practically taste the Stylistic Suck.
- StringStorm himself did end up releasing it later
Special 6: Tabletop Adventures
- The Emperor spends the entire episode wearing a pair of sunglasses that make him look like The Terminator, complete with an eye glowing behind the left lens.
- Magnus decides to play a tabletop game with everyone else in the Imperial Palace, but immediately runs into the problem of who to choose to GM it.Magnus: First things first, we need a Game Master. They will be in charge of building the adventure.
Rogal Dorn: I will do this.
Magnus: Is it because I said "build?"
Rogal: Yes. (the GM screen drops in front of him) You find yourselves in the castle of... Castle. Which looks over the town of Town.
Magnus: ... Aaaand?
Rogal: Wait a month until the taxes of the peasantry are tallied, so you can begin renovations. The harvest is also to come in soon.
The Emperor: Rogal, we are trying to not be senselessly bored.
Rogal: Nothing is more enjoyable than the overseeing of development and the distribution of resources to the infrastructure of an urban environment.
The Emperor: Game-running privileges revoked. (telekinetically removes the GM screen)
Rogal: You will regret this. - With Rogal a bust, Wamuudes volunteers to run the game, since he was the one who found it.The Emperor: I will allow this on the condition that you keep your horndog hornswaggle away from us.
Wamuudes: No promises are made.
The Emperor: Bastard.
Wamuudes: (clears throat) You all arrive at the Slabnasium of the Quivering Isles. The air is thick with musk-
(the Emperor telekinetically smashes him with the Prohibition Hammer) - Needless to say, Magnus ends up running the game, and has the others spend several hours rolling up their characters. The results reveal that they all fit stereotypical Player Archetypes, with a character to match:
- The Emperor is the group Power Gamer, of course, playing "the Celestial Shaman Queen" (Emps says she needs no actual name), a surprisingly buff Apprentice Wizard who is not nearly as powerful as the Emperor would like her to be. He also tries to cheat as much as he's able.
- Whammudes is The Roleplayer, getting far too into character as "Sir Wamri le Savoureux," Knight Errant of Bretonnia.
- The Tour Guide is The Real Man, playing the murderous "Urban the Hagflayer," who is here to "take your coin, your men, your world." Or, you know, do some mercenary work to fill his pockets.
- Rogal Dorn plays the apprentice runesmith Nrod Lagorsson, a dwarf whom he insists upon calling "a Squat, just in not-space." In other words, it's basically just a self-insert of Rogal himself. He's also very lacking in the combat department, sacrificing his points for non-combat skills, leaving him as a bit of a load. He also insists on dropping random Dwarf words into conversation.Magnus: (in response to Rogal referring to his character as a "squat") That's a dwarf, Dorn.Rogal: They're called squats. There's no need to give them silly comedy names, Magnus, don't be preposterous.
- The Grand Provost Marshall of the Adeptus Arbites is the resident Rules Lawyer, unsurprisingly, and plays "Brukham Nougat, Imperial Litigator," a character whose only skills are knowledge of the laws and posession of a lawbook. He's also the only one (aside from Magnus) to have read the entire rulebook, and seems to have actually retained a lot more of it.
- The Lord Commander Militant winds up being The Loonie, playing Krakus, Dung Collector. He attacks his enemies exclusively with the poop he's collected.
- The Master of the Administratum is also The Roleplayer, playing Bulgo Potatoskin, Halfling Fieldwarden. Like Whammudes, he's one of the few people to actually try getting into character.
- Decius, surprisingly, winds up playing the dark and edgy Benny McBackstab, the party's rogue with a dark and mysterious past and utter contempt for everyone in his party.
- Karstodes plays the non-descript Rolf, and barely even tries to come up with a backstory or a reason to be there ("he's a guy"). He also tends to have trouble simply paying attention to what's going on.
- Magnus of course gets way into being the Game Master, and reminds everyone that "I am your god."Karstodes: So if I stop believing in you, you will stop forcing us to play baby games and go away?
Magnus: Ha! You should know by now that's not how things work. - Eagle-eyed viewers might be able to pick up on the clues that heavily implies that Magnus was pretty much trying to create Ravandil's Quest 3.
- From the very beginning, Magnus isn't having any of Krakus' crap.Lord Commander Militant: (as Krakus, shortly after Magnus sets the scene) I roll to see if there's any dung in the streets!Magnus: ... No.(later, after entering the Imperial Zoo and being introduced to the dragon)Lord Commander Militant: (as Krakus again) I roll to collect the dragon's duuung!Magnus: (deadpan) ... You immediately fall over.(much, much later, when the party has just wound up in the final battle)Lord Commander Militant: (as Krakus) I roll to throw shit at the Gorger Lord!Magnus: (completely enraged) STOP THAT, IT'S NOT FUNNY!
- The adventure begins with the unlikely party serving as escorts for Emperor Franz's cousin Magnar Buckethead as he visits the Imperial Zoo. The very first thing the Emperor does is tell Buckethead to "fuck off," forcing Wamuudes to placate the noble.The Emperor: Why do you defy me?
Wamuudes: I am a noble knight, and a noble knight should be as deft with his tongue as with his sword!
Karstodes: The tongue is a flexible muscle!
Wamuudes: So it is! - Then the Grand Provost Marshall complains that his immersion is broken because a noble is hiring a bunch of random misfits to guard him instead of actual guards, prompting Magnus to counter that he didn't expect everyone to pick "trash classes."Grand Provost Marshall: We didn't pick them, you naughty red ballpen! We rolled them like you said we should!
Magnus: Shut it you screaming canister!
Rogal: Magnus. My immersion, too, has been broken.
Magnus: [Big groaning]
Rogal: Why would a zoo of vicious monstrosities exist within the confines of a city where technology has not yet passed the earliest periods of the Age of Terra?
Magnus: It's an early modern city, Dorn! They're not fucking cavemen like Bretonnians are!
Wamuudes: Besmirch my people, will you?!
Rogal: I do not think cavemen have a concept of knighthood.
Magnus: MOVING... on. - While Buckethead gawks at the Imperial Dragon, Bulgo spots a Skaven assassin sneaking up on the noble and raises the alarm. What follows is a series of Epic Fails and poor decisions:
- The Shaman-Queen immediately charges at the Skaven, critically fails so that she tackles Buckethead instead, who critically fails his Dodge roll. Then the Shaman-Queen rolls a critical success for max damage and breaks his leg.
- Sir Wamri throws a barrel of lamp oil at the Skaven for a critical hit, killing the rat-man but drenching the area in flammable liquid.
- Krakus decides to throw shit at the screaming, flailing Buckethead, for no real reason.
- Nrod rolls to fortify the dragon's cage in case it was damaged by the collision ("I am fortifying this iron cage... wait, that's terrible. Why did I say that?") but critically fails his Smith Skill test, injuring Magnar Buckethead further with a collapsing section of bars and allowing the dragon inside the cage to breathe fire on the crippled, oil-soaked VIP.Magnus: Magnar Buckethead dies. He had leather, chain and full plate armor, 70 Toughness, 25 Wounds, and he was your only contact that I thought to come up with for all of this, and I spent at least a week writing his backstory. And now he's dead. Congratulations.
The Tour Guide: First blood!
Grand Provost Marshall: Whyyy didn't you just give him a Fate Point to burn if you wanted him to live?
Magnus: You can do that with non-player characters?
Grand Provost Marshall: Yeah. Didn't you read the rules?
Magnus: fffffFFUCK you! - Magnus declares that the guards come running after the commotion, see the Emperor's cousin dead next to some disreputable scum, and draw their crossbows. Urban murders one, the Shaman-Queen chases off the other, and the now-fugitive party decides that instead of going to the Moot like Magnus is hinting, they're headed to the Empire's eastern border.
- Several hours later, the party finds a caravaneer with wagons large enough for them all to hide in. The Emperor decides his character is going to convince the wagon's owner to let them hide in the wagons, and predictably botches his Charm roll.Celestial Shaman Queen: My child, you look like dung and I hate you. Please let us hide in your carts, for we are fugitives!
Magnus: Your rolls are consistently amazing.
The Emperor: This is why Chaos must die.
Caravan Man: What was that you said?!
The Tour Guide: I charge him with my axe!
[Urban slaughters the NPC]
Bulgo: Oh, my...
Lord Commander Militant: Heheheheh, I roll to cut off the man's face!
[Krakus does just that, and starts wearing the man's face from here on out]
Krakus: I AM NOW THE CARAVAN MAN.
Magnus: You gain five Corruption points.
Lord Commander Militant: Heheheheh, YEEEEAAAH.
Master of the Administratum: I feel queasy... - On the run in the Mountains of Mourn, Benny McBackstab gives a long, Cluster F-Bomb "The Reason You Suck" Speech, targeting mainly the characters played by the other High Lords of Terra.Master of the Administratum: Okay, calm down. Decius, why are you so angry?
Decius: Oh, no, I'm not angry. I'm just roleplaying.
Lord Provost Marshal: It doesn't really... feel like roleplaying...
Decius: Oh, come on, it's not personal, I'm just having a bit of fun!
Master of the Administratum: Riiiiiight.
Lord Provost Marshal: [doubt] - Then Benny immediately starts suggesting they kill the halfling, at which point Sir Wamri throws another barrel of oil at him out of nowhere.Decius: Aww, why would you do that?
Wamuudes: [mocking Decius] DoN'T TaKe It PeRsONaLlY, I'M JuSt RoLePlAyInG!
Decius: [gasp] Why, I never...
Master of the Administratum: I don't even know what roleplayin' is anymore... - When an ogre ambushes the party, Benny misses his charge and faceplants at the ogre's feet, Urban overkills a gnoblar, and Nrod holds his ground.Nrod Lagorsson: I will defend this position.
Brukham Nougat: I am part of this position, too! You are thus legally obligated to defend me! - Bulgo manages to cause an avalanche to crush the remaining gnoblars through a critical success, but the ogre retaliates by tearing Benny in half.Karstodes: Are you really allowed to portray such violence in a children's theatre game?
Grand Provost Marshall: I'd be disappointed if it didn't! Gotta get the youth up in arms about VIOLENNNNCE! - Sir Wamri attempts to avenge his companion by slaying the ogre, and though he's out of normal charge range, he declares he's taking advantage of the oil trail left by Benny to move faster. Magnus lets him try with a hefty penalty, Wamuudes declares he's putting his faith in "the liver of the dice" and... fails and faceplants. But wait, the Emperor says he'll use the force of Magic Dart to propel Sir Wamri forward!Magnus: Eh... eh... if you get a critical success, I will allow it.
Wamuudes: My master! Are you going to...?
The Emperor: Easy-peasy. Reality obeys me, for I am its emperor. One critical success, coming up.
Wamuudes: Yes! Go, my Emperor! GO, GO, GO, GOOOO!
The Emperor: Magic Dart, away.
[the Emperor rolls triple 2's, which unfortunately leads to a critical failure; cue an off-screen chuckle]
Magnus: You crit-fail Tzeentch's curse.
The Emperor: (grows an eye back for an Eye Take) FUCK YOU, TZEENTCH.
Magnus: A catastrophic magical mishap occurs, and I get to decide what happens! OH, BOY!
The Emperor: (His head spinning- quite literally, if the crunching noises are any indication) Oh hell no.
Magnus: Well, if it's force you want, then it's force you will get!
[cue said magical mishap causing the Shaman-Queen's arm to mutate and elongate]
Celestial Shaman Queen: OH, FUUUUUUUUUCK...!
[at that, the now-mutated arm reaches for Sir Wamri's posterior and gives it a hard SLAP]
Magnus: YOU SLAP HIS KNIGHTLY ASS!
The Emperor: HOW DARE YOU.- Good news is, this ass-slap still manages to propel Sir Wamri forward hard enough to tear through the ogre. Bad news is that the warped arm doesn't go away.
Sir Wamri: I almost died.
Celestial Shaman Queen: Is my arm just like this now?- Oh, and the sadistic glee in Magnus' voice during that bit is absolutely hilarious. It's pretty clear that he's having way too much fun with this.
- With a party member slain, Urban goes storming off the road in search of vengeance.Brukham Nougat: Right, uh, I guess we'll just... continue on our way—
Urban: NO! We must avenge the fallen! These creatures have claimed a soul loyal to our cause! We must claim A THOUSAND OF THEIRS IN RETURN!
[at that, he runs off in a bloodthirsty rage]
Bulgo: Hey! Hey, where are you goin'?
Nrod Lagorsson: He is running off the road.
Sir Wamri: Uh... should we follow him?
Magnus: No!
[beat]
The Emperor: We will follow him.
Wamuudes: ...Yeah.
Master of the Administratum: Fun!
Lord Commander Militant: [cackling] Krakus...
Lord Provost Major: Mmm, cake...
[Magnus slumps forward to the sound of creaking wood]
Magnus: You're all taken hostage immediately.
The Tour Guide: My power wanes! - After being captured by an ogre tribe, the party is led before "The Gorger-Lord," who turns out to be... Custodisi with a crown stuck over his custodian helmet and other assorted ogre armor. And not an Expy rolled up by Magnus, but the actual Custodisi who somehow got isekai'd into the Warhammer World after the Emperor DELETE'd him, and is looking for a powerful wizard to create a portal to another universe so he can go home.
- The Emperor finally succeeds at a dice roll and manages to convince the ogres that him casting Marsh Lights around a bottomless pit (called the Great Jaw) has made it an interdimensional portal, so they all jump in it... followed by Urban, who dove in to finish them off, unwittingly killing himself in the process. But just as the remaining party members are looting the camp, a primitive remix of "Awaken" plays, the Gorger-Lord jumps out of the pit, and dive-kicks the Celestial Shaman Queen, cracking her skull.Bulgo: Hey, this one's... quite powerful.
Master of the Administratum: Can we really defeat this creature?
Magnus: No! You CAN'T!
Rogal: That is unfair.
Lord Provost Major: Hey, you can't set us up with an opponent we can't even defeat!
The Emperor: Magnus is a bad GM.
Magnus: You weren't even supposed to be here in the FIRST PLACE! You were supposed to protect Magnar Buckethead!
Master of the Administratum: I mean, we tried doing that, but he just up and died 'cause of the rules! Couldn't you just had 'em... not able to die?
Magnus: That would be cheating and I am not going to cheat! Nothing about this situation is illegal!
Grand Provost Marshal: You're the one that statted him! If you didn't want him to die, you shouldn't have given him any stats! Rules as written: If it has no statistics, it cannot die!
Lord Commander Militant: I roll to throw shit at Magnus! The bastard can't even run the game right!
The Emperor: Magnus is a bad GM.
Magnus: SHUT IT!!! - When the group complains, Magnus strongly suggests they run from the unbeatable boss monster. Their response is a mixture of Funny and Awesome.Lord-Commander Militant: That's an option?
Magnus: Yes. Run away! Go back west! And I'll set you up with a brand new adventure! A fair one, in the Moot! It'll be fun! You'll have a clean slate! You won't be killed by the guards, you won't be eaten by an ogre, and most importantly, you can finally experience a story! With themes! And characters! You'll be making a brand new mythos in a way! You'll be the centerpiece of a story! Weavers of a tapestry of dreams and jubilation! Just run away, take Father's pseudo-corpse with you, and GO BACK!
Wamuudes: No! You are dishonorable, Magnus! I will not run to this land of empty promises like a coward! This may be a tram-ride into hell, but it was forged of our own decisions! We made this adventure our own, through the pitfalls, and the mistakes, and the critical failures, and the destruction of my fabulous knightly bottom! But it is ours - and the fact it is ours, the fact that we have made this, that makes it worth fighting for! I will stay to SPITE you, AND YOUR RAILROADING WAYS!
(the rest of the group cheers)
The Emperor: New game goal: spite Magnus.
Magnus: Okay, fine! If you want to fucking DIE, then you shall fucking DIE!! - When Krakus opens up his turn by throwing shit at the Gorger-Lord, he retaliates by punching a hole straight through his sternum... and reveals that Krakus is literally full to bursting with shit, which then proceeds to cover the assailant.The Gorger-Lord: [Completely mortified] No promethium bath is going to rinse this off completely!
- The Gorger-Lord turns out to be more or less unkillable, even after some absurd luck lets Sir Wamri chop off his arm, and he gets hit by a leadbelcher and catches on fire... but then the boss gets close enough for the Shaman-Queen to cast a Sleep spell, and it turns out that despite how Purposely Overpowered the Gorger-Lord is, his Willpower is only a measly 10. 10. Apparently, one of Custodisi's major flaws is that he's so Weak-Willed that even the lowliest baseline human has more willpower than what's supposed to be a Super-Soldier to end all Super Soldiers. No wonder he just couldn't stop himself from hitting on Magnus even after all the threats...
- After the sleeping Gorger-Lord is tossed down a pit and the party begins celebrating around the actual tabletop:The Emperor: Hey, Magnus. We won.
Magnus: You can't win in an RPG... just like you can't win at life...
The Emperor: Speak for yourself.
Grand Provost Marshal: Yeah, pretty sure we won that one.
Wamuudes: We are a victorious lot.
Karstodes: Yeah, that was really neat, how we won and stuff.
The Emperor: Even whilst our Game Master constantly tried to have us murdered, we won.
Wamuudes: Not even a spiteful god could stop our mighty party!
Karstodes: Ha! He's- he's... he's less a god, and... more, uh... more like... a chicken! CHICKEN GOD!
[cue laughter from Wamuudes and the Lord Provost Marshal]
Grand Provost Marshal: Chicken! Because he looks like a bird...
Rogal: Degrading chicken noises.
Magnus: OKAY, NO! THAT'S IT! YOUR CHARACTERS ARE ALL DELETED! - ...but somehow, deleting the Tome of the Parallel ends up summoning the surviving characters onto the Imperial Table.
- After the sleeping Gorger-Lord is tossed down a pit and the party begins celebrating around the actual tabletop:
Special 7: Space Game Pain
- The title alone is "If the Bemperor had a Text-to-Speech Device", reflecting Boy's speech impediment.
- The video opens with a disclaimer that Paradox Interactive sponsored Alfabusa to make a Stellaris-themed video, with free reign to write whatever script he wanted - "they are actually throwing money at us to make this video, LOL."
- Kitten is naturally playing as an armored member of the Mammalian 14 species◊, leading a Xenophilic faction of federation-builders. Meanwhile, the pompadoured "The Not-God King Supreme" is on the complete other side of the Ethos spectrum.Kitten: I cannot wait to meet whatever other species might roam this galaxy!
The Not-God King Supreme: Ah, I cannot wait to murder whatever foul xenos that permeate the galaxy! The golden age of mankind has arrived! And it has arrived with b-b-b-BIG GUNS! - After meeting "The Truthworthy One' ("aka 'The Reliable' aka 'The Undeceiving' aka 'The Very Nice Creature That Wants to Trade With You'"), our protagonist replies that he too has a massive name.The Trustworthy One: Ahahah, I shall call you Kitten-
Kitten: PLEASE... do not. We have broken many leashes to be rid of such names. - Kitten can't help but crack up when faced with "Eldad the Space Elf" hamming it up over comms.Eldad: You shall burn as a lone candle in this morass of blackest tar, the one who must set alight the swamp of nihilism, become the light at the end of this grimdark tunnel of future-year!
Kitten: Santodes, please block him, he's ruining my immersion.
Sir Science: I SHALL EMPLOY MY GREAT SCIENCE KNOWLEDDDGGGEEE!! (smashes the monitor) - Then Eldad and the the Not-God King Supreme squabble after the latter sends the ultimatum "leave my galaxy or Super Die." Which devolves to them accusing each other of being that kind of Stellaris player.Eldad: ...are you enacting a Power Fantasy?
The Not-God King Supreme: Yes.
Eldad: And I assume it involves not sitting?
The Not-God King Supreme: Stop ruining my immersion!
Eldad: Stop ruining the galaxy!
The Not-God King Supreme: No! As you have refused to accept the offer, you shall now be accredited as the first aggressor. Please lower your shields and prepare for the grand prize!
Eldad: Your rampant disregard for the balance of power will be your undoing. Reverse your march, lest you damn us all to one of three most grimdark fates!
The Not-God King Supreme: Oh, shut it! You're the absolute worst! You're not being clever, your portents of doom suck, and I am sick of your garbage!
Eldad: Oh-ho-ho-wow, no. You are doing exactly what everyone here is sick of. Your empire is just a heap of "haha funny scream heresy crusade oppress and killll." You are literally just creating Worst Empire in this galaxy, have you not actually realized this?!
The Not-God King Supreme: I have! And actually being able to control it is part of the power fantasy.
Eldad: Ugh, you are the worst.
The Not-God King Supreme: And that is enough casus belli to annihilate you. Farewell into hell!
Xenophobic VIR: We have declared war on the nauseating, abominable, contemptible, loathsome, revolting, despicable, heinous, wretched, vile, foul, reprehensible, misbegotten xenos! - The Not-God King Supreme isn't alone, his vassals include...
- ...His daughter the "Celestial Space Wizard," who still has an elongated arm, and as a refugee from Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay is constantly freaking out from all the technology around her.The Celestial Space Wizard: Where is this voice coming from?!
The Not-God King Supreme: You shall destroy all you come across and I shall be super proud of you.
The Celestial Space Wizard: Help! Help! Sorcery! - ...The silicoid alien "Prime Mineral Rogus."
- ...And his most powerful and favorite vassal, a shadowy figure with thick, dark armor, Horns of Villainy and Glowing Eyes of Doom, who turns out to be none other than...
- ...His daughter the "Celestial Space Wizard," who still has an elongated arm, and as a refugee from Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay is constantly freaking out from all the technology around her.
- Karstodes is playing as "Kockstodes," appropriately using the Avian 18 portrait◊, while Corvus Corax is "Artisan Corags," an emo-looking albino avian.
- Kitten gets word from his federation allies that they're all getting ravaged by "savage space crusaders." While lapping at a saucer of milk.Kitten: What is happening to my nice galaxy?!
(cue montage of space battles)
Boy: prolonnnged warcryyyy! - When it looks like humanity will be triumphant over the xeno races of the galaxy, The Not-God King Supreme decides to elevate Boy to "War-Meister."Boy: he-he-hegck yeah!
The Not-God King Supreme: I must return to our home system, but as my most trusted vassal, I trust you to lead the Crusade in my stead.
Boy: o-okay. what'll you do, though?
The Not-God King Supreme: I cannot tell you.
Boy: ...why?
The Not-God King Supreme: I just do not trust you!
Boy: never have i felt more doubt in my heart...
The Not-God King Supreme: Sorry, can't hear you, empire to micromanage, space drugs to do! (snorts a line of Zro off-camera)
[this video is sponsored by Paradox] - The Trustworthy One promises he can stop the Crusade in its tracks, provided Kitten sends him a big enough haul of resources.Kitten: Right. Even with our resources, you really think you can raise enough troops to defend against the onslaught?
The Trustworthy One: Funny you should say "raise," heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-HA-HA-HA-HA!! - But instead of spending the resources himself, the Trustworthy One uses them to help convince Boy to re-enact the Horus Heresy.Boy: hmmm... the hubris of my grandfather to leave me here in the vast expanse of space on my own... why does he deserve the crown when i am the one fighting for it?
The Trustworthy One: Uh, yeah, atta boy! Heheh, I think I smell an up-and-coming empire a-brewin'! Here, completing transaction!
Boy: i am become god!
The Trustworthy One: Heheheh yeah, bye, have fun. (ends communication) Holy crap, he is terrifying. Right, Jeff?
Jeff◊: Yeagh. - So "Whammo" gets to inform the Not-God King Supreme that a hostile fleet is running rampant through the Prime Mineral's territory.The Not-God King Supreme: Who could just slip on by the literal living brick wall without getting attacked?!
Whammo: The Arch-Traitor! The self-proclaimed "Bemperor of Boy's Bulbous Bempire!"
The Not-God King Supreme: Every sound you just uttered was horrible! We are under attack by... BOY?!
Xenophobe!VIR: Our fleet has been lost, our fleet has been lost, our fleet has been lost-
Boy: it's good to be the bing.
The Not-God King Supreme: (opens a comm channel) No! Noooo! My sweet baby darling Boy, why have you turned on me so?!
Boy: you taught me to hate, and that's what i do.
The Not-God King Supreme: Brazen child Boy, you come here right now!
Boy: 'kay. (his fleet enters FTL)
The Not-God King Supreme: We have some time to prepare. Quick, rally the defensive army-
(Boy's fleet jumps into the system)
The Not-God King Supreme: Oh no. I gave him Jump Drives... - Boy might actually be a better Fucking Horus than Fucking Horus, because he doesn't waste any time or energy besieging the Not-God King Supreme's capital, he just has a Colossus use a Planet-Cracker on it.Boy: heheh, it broked like an egg! we need more of those, ask the Cool Guy for more 'sources.
The Not-God King Supreme: (teleports into the throne room) What have you done to our sweet, dear home planet, Boy?!
Boy: Bwrecked it 'cause it was Beresy.
The Not-God King Supreme: NO! Stop putting B-s in front of your words, it defiles the humanly tongue!
(Boy flips up his helmet's visor, revealing he's using the ridiculously cute Molluscoid 17 portrait◊)
Boy: bake be, bitch.- Of course Boy's using the cute starfish portrait, one of Stellaris' Memetic Psychopath species.
- Also, a few days after the special was released, the full name of the video was changed to "If the Bemperor had a Text-to-Speech Device Special 7: Space Game Pain". Seems like Boy got the last laugh.
- Boy's insistence on putting B's in front of everything becomes Hilarious in Hindsight when Paradox Interactive later organized a stream celebrating the release of Nemesis, and one of the empires (the Xumans, played by Door Monster and Stefan Anon) developed a tendency to put X's in front of everything, including their own names.
- The drama of the Not-God King Supreme striking down his once-beloved grandchild is undercut by him accidentally breaking his own nose when Boy's warhammer is sent flying towards his face. Then he gets a comm message.Mineral Rogus: Father. This is horrible. I was having fun building my empire. You ruined the fun. I am experiencing intense trauma now, and you are to blame. You ruined my immersion.
The Not-God King Supreme: Rrrrrrgh. Screw this, I'm done. You all suck, I hope your empires crumble to ash. (disappears)
Boy's Ghost: awww, he ragequit.
Mineral Rogus: Boy, please.
The Celestial Space Wizard: Wait, I can move the vessels upon the shining black window?! AAAAAAAGHH!! - During another timeskip, a voice-over gives a familiar summary of the galactic situation.Eldad: It is the Future Year, and there is only war. The galactic federation is no more. Constant wars, and a galactic market as stagnant as a goolantha herd, has led to... little actually happening. It is the Second Millennium, and things... suck, really hard, or something.
Eldad's Block-List Evaluator: "Sucks really hard or something," sir?
Eldad: Listen, my loquaciousness is low as my brain is throbbing. Get me the hyper-aspirin.- During the narration, we get to see a galaxy map and the names of some of the players' star nations. Kitten's realm is "The Bellyscratch Coalition of Good Lads," the Shaman Queen's empire is a string of unintelligable gibberish ("REJGIBHPWERUGIWEHB"), Boy's nation is indeed called "Boy's Bulbous Bempire," while one of the tinier nations is called "The Sovereign Quivering Isles." The Trustworthy One's empire is of course "The Trust of Trustworthy Ones," and next to it is a six-system realm only called "JEFF."
- Kitten and Kockstodes confront the Trustworthy One and accuse him of manipulating the economy and instigating wars so everyone's constantly on the verge of collapsing while fighting each other instead of rebuilding. The result sounds like an argument between fans of a certain tabletop franchise over whether it's better to advance a setting's greater story or maintain the status quo.The Trustworthy One: You think you've caught me, huh? Vile cat thing! You know what's MORE ANNOYING?! THE END TIMES. You ever wonder what happens if you peer beyond the veil, planet-spawn?! Galaxy-rending terror and destruction! I won't have it! Our galaxy is in perfect equilibrium, thanks to me! No unhinged researches, no extraneous discoveries, and no End Times! Just enough war to keep the Necrophage rolling, and to keep you flesh-bags in stock! There is no narrative to drive us to the brink, just sweet, beautiful, setting!
Kitten: I am utterly confused by your incessant babbling, but the one thing I know is that you are wrong.
The Trustworthy One: And I am utterly horrified by your destructive need for progress! The one thing I know is that you should stop it. Keep your horrible yearning for development away from my galaxy, and stay in your awful little wholesome box, you waste of primordial soup! Bye!- Even better if you know how Stellaris' endgame crisis function, because his plan was doomed to begin with.note
- Over the timeskip, the Celestial Space Wizard has taken up a side-gig as a Space Pirate (complete with eye-patch) raiding Kitten's federation, and somehow controls more territory than her former overlord and his other vassals combined.
- Kitten tries to recruit the Not-God King Supreme, now "harvesting on this moon," to deal with the guy rampaging through the humans' former empire. Or rather, the latest guy - turns out the Marauders have decided to become a Midgame Crisis.Kockstodes: Uhh...
Not-God King Supreme: Was this honestly how I left this?
Kockstodes: No, it was marginally better. I think. The ships are new.
(The Great Khan jumps in front of Kockstodes' ship)
Vulk-Gon: Hello! I am Vulk-Gon, Hugger of Worlds! Please forfeit your bodies into my tractor-fields! You and your people are now my friends forever!
Kockstodes: Emergency Warp! EMERGENCY WARP!!
(Kockstodes' ship warps away... minus the Not-God King Supreme)- Vulcan is of course using the newt-like Reptilian 16 portrait◊, which is also shared by the Prikkiki-Ti, an empire of Fanatical Purifiers that may be spawned by an event chain. Amusingly, he retains his normal bodily proportions from the neck down, resulting in a Tiny-Headed Behemoth.
- Vulcan is of course using the newt-like Reptilian 16 portrait
- At this point, the Not-God King Supreme declares "Fuck it. END TIME," screams, and then we cut to the galaxy map.The Not-God King Supreme: (opens the game console) event crisis.199, event crisis.1000, event crisis.2000. See you all in Super-Hell!
(beat)
Eldad: What the FUCK?!
(everyone screams as the crisis factions start painting the map)- Looking where the Contingency hubs spawn makes it even funnier. One is in Mineral Rogus' territory, while the other three are in the Trustworthy One's empire, aka the guy who both a) made the galaxy such a mess the Not-God King Supreme pulled his Triple-Crisis, and b) is a C'tan character getting screwed over by Stellaris' Necron Expy.
- Just when things seem bleak, Eldad checks on Kitten, and finds out that he's... doing just fine, actually.Eldad: How did you manage a fleet strength of one million in this economy?!
Kitten: Not engaging in wars every five minutes is about where I started.- During their conversation, Eldad leans forward in his viewscreen, and Kitten gently pushes his head back in.
- Yes, in a combination of Funny, Awesome and Heartwarming, Kitten won the galactic battle royale by simply sitting out the violence, saving up military power when necessary and, unlike every other player, being a genuinely ethical and idealistic leader of a utopian federation. In a game of Stellaris, played by characters based on Warhammer 40,000, of all places.* For bonus points, Kitten was more or less inadvertently roleplaying the most optimistic interpretation of the Tau Empire, whom he despises with every fiber of his being.Eldad: (clears throat) In the end, the only one among us to survive, indeed, thrive, was the one who did not wage wanton wars, abuse others for some grand plan, or cause grief on a galactic scale. It was the one who assisted others, ensured his own stability, and tended to his own above all else - UGH! This is tripe! Tripe!
Kitten: (smugly) I won, though.
Mineral Rogus: You did win, but only because you were boring.
Boy: bor-ring!
Kitten: Ahah, I don't think so.
The Not-God King Supreme: Your victory was a fluke!
Mineral Rogus: Your victory was, as all of us agree, boring.
Everyone: Yeah!
Kockstodes: Brave little basic boy.
Kitten: Cool, subjective opinions, everyone. Here in reality, though, I remain the King of Gaaaames! 'Bye. (leaves)- Rogal Dorn, of all people, called Kitten's strategy "boring". Dorn.
- Boy, of all people, ending with this line:
