Funny / If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device Vox Logs

Top 20 Primarchs

• Whammudes's appraisals of the Primarchs are basically him being horny on main, even by his usual standards.
  • He finds Russ's bodyhair and lack of manscaping obscene, calling him a "fir-tree plantation" and ranting that he doesn't want to "check his tactical display to know his location" in his immediate vicinity.
  Whammudes: I want to eat, not floss.
  • His reasoning for putting Horus in tenth place is... predictable.
  Whammudes: Have you seen how fffffucking massive he is-? ahkay, that's it-
  • He has some... interesting thoughts of Ferrus Manus's iron hands.
  Whamuudes: 18 Primarchs in the showers on Terra and Ferrus Manus is choking the shit out of them all.
  • He's so aroused by the very concept of The Lion that he actually wishes he was wearing clothes just so he could strip.
• The Ram Ranch reference is all the better since it's also referencing the full parody StringStorm made of it a month prior. (Note: For those who don't know the original song, it is very NSFW.)
• How does he handle the two forgotten Primarchs in a video ranking all twenty? He just skips spots 20 and 19.
• Whammudes criticizes Konrad Curze for being unwashed, toxic and scrawny... as well as for getting assassinated by a Normal, which he likens to a Normal dying to worms; technically possible, but mortifyingly embarrassing.
  Whammudes: That being said I am glad he is dead for he was a spiteful bastard who would probably have my eyes turned to soup if ever he heard this.
• In describing Perturabo, he says that if the Primarchs were picks of the litter, Perturabo would be the litter. Because he's trash.
• When he gets to Lorgar... he seems to genuinely forget why Lorgar is so high up on the list, and decides he must have made a mistake and swapped Lorgar for one of the two forgotten ones.

A Distressing Journey into the Emperor's Canals

• Whammudes' descent into the canals is a bit... shall we say, tumultuous.
  Whammudes: Ah, mm, yes. Indeed, the Gutterhawk is also whatever the Machine Spirit equivalent of an ADRENALINE JUNKIE IS! MY LOINCLOTH IS TURNED TO ASH ONCE MORE, YOU F-! YOU AREN'T A METEORITE, YOU'RE A FLYING FUCKING BOX, START ACTING LIKE IT, PLEASE!
• When Whammudes encounters a clog in the tunnels, he starts talking very professionally about the obstacle posed while we here various high-tech noises in the background in preperation to deal with it. Which leads us to this moment.
  Whammudes: So how one does this is by using this! [gun cocks] A gun. All hail Grand-Uncle. [everyone claps]
• It appears that Grand-Uncle shares a name with... something else.
  Whammudes: Hey! He-he-hey, Loqui! LOQUI! Hey, would you care to kiss Grand-Uncle? Heh-HEH!
  Loqui: [punch]
  Whammudes: AH! NOOO, DO NOT PUNCH GRAND-UNCLE, IT IS A VERY NON-MALFUNCTIONING GUN! PLEASE! It was but a hysterical prank what I have pulled!
  [beat]
  Whammudes: [calmly] Let us continue forward.
• Whammudes, after contorting to fit into a smaller pipe and find the source of a hazardous fungus, comments on the hazards of doing this without proper preparation.
  Whammudes: The risk of being trapped within these pipes... is a constant risk. And to be quite honest, being embedded deep in the Emperor's canals is a double entendre even I do not have the stomach for...
• Whammudes using his powerful lungs to disintegrate and inhale a deadly fungus is fairly amusing on its own. Funnier is the fact that not only is this poking fun at podcasters who blow into their microphone, but that this trick ends up saving his life later.
  • Speaking of, inhaling these toxic spores that could wipe out hundreds upon hundreds of people do not kill him when he somehow passes them from "inhaled" to "swallowed", not even close. But they do get him pretty tipsy.
  Whammudes: [drunkenly, as the Sisters clap] My success shall be remembered in the halls of glory for fiiive minutes.
• The Sisters of Silence manage to repeatedly snark him... as conveyed entirely by his reactions to their expressions and gestures.

Russ plays a 'Small Baby Game' with the Dark Eldar

• The fact that Russ turns what's basically a Twenty Questions game into a nightmarish tale of pure existential terror is darkly amusing. Tenfold so because he does it to the Dark Eldar.
• What's the second guess Russ puts up? Urist. Yes, Ravandil's Quest Urist. And since the Drukhari can't guess in time, he shows up to unleash another one of his glorious rants. And this is him being polite.
  Urist: I HAVE ESCAPED THE CLUTCHES OF HELL TO CRUSH TO PASTE WHATEVER FOUL FUCKING ELVES THAT STEPS IN MY PATH!
  Drukhari: [confusion]
  Jebarion:: Uuuuuuh...
  Skraket: Wha-wha-wha-what? Is-s-is that it? A s- Uh... A small creature drenched in face-hair? And... And it's so squat? Is this a joke?!
  Leman Russ: Urist.
  Urist: THAT IS ME NAME!
  Leman Russ: These elves have been insulting your honor, Urist. And you know what we do to elves.
  Urist: OOOOOOOO!! LISTEN HERE YA SPIKE-COCKED, TAR-EYED, PLANK-SHAPED, SEWER-ASSED RODENT ANALOGUES! I'M GONNA SHEAR THAT THIN FILM OF SLIME YOU CALL SKIN FROM YER SPINDLY HUSK AND MAKE A FUCKING RAINCOAT OUT OF IT! I'M GONNA SLAM MY FIST DOWN YER THROATS, RIP YER INKY INNARDS OUT AND STITCH A LEATHERY SACK OUT OF 'EM! I'M GONNA SAW YOUR WEE LEGS OFF AND TURN YOUR HOLLOW LEGBONES INTO FUCKING FLUTES! I'M GONNA CRAFT A MAKESHIFT PIPE BAG OUT OF THE RANCID MATERIALS I HAVE HARVESTED FROM YER TWITCHING BODIES, AND THEN I'M GONNA COME AROUND AND PLAY A NICE TUNE AT YER FUNERAL CEREMONIES! BEFORE I PISS ON YER FUCKING GRANDMA!!!!
  Skraket: Wuwwuwwuw... What The FFFFUCK?! How DARE YOU INSULT MY GRANDMOTHER?!
  Urist: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off ''rude''!
  • What makes it even better? Listen very carefully during Urist's Rant. You can hear Flute Wheezes, yelps of pain, and pipebags playing whenever they are mentioned. He's not saying would, he IS committing the acts that he's ranting about... Minus the "Piss on Yer Grandma" part.
  • Also, if you listen closely while he's being summoned, Urist is apparently reciting the Scotsman's extended insult rant at Jack from when they first met.
• Then Skraket makes a Big Mistake, with Predictable results, considering it was Urist he said it to:
  Skraket: Please, please, end this, my suffering.
  Urist: ALRITE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- *WHAM*
  Skraket: AAAAAH! MY KNEE!!
• The final thing Russ thinks of? Slaanesh. Xylatro and Jebarion figure this out very quickly and, in a dark but amusing moment, on the verge of tears and choking with terror, beg Russ for mercy. Russ' answer?
  Russ: (Chuckles) Ironic.
  • After trying to play chicken with eachother over either dying to Slaanesh or letting her loose on the world, Xylatro is left in the hotseat and guesses the name, only to be reduced to ashes halfway into saying the name. However, Russ either genuinely nodded off just a bit before and was jarred awake by the screaming, or intentionally miscounts it to watch Jebarion squirm. The Dark Eldar is trying to psych himself up to say it, but just as he consigns himself to the fate before him... Leman falls asleep and Slaanesh dissipates.

Day in the Life of Boy

• The Principal Vox-Caster unfavorably compares Boy to one of his peers, BARG BIG-THROAT! Who is treated as The Ace for being a malformed, feral madman that frequently bullies Boy. He later gets a report that he died "in a tragic rat accident" like the ones Boy dodges every day.
  Boy: huh... rip.
• During his daily commute, Boy also has to evade (presumably Slaaneshi) cultists who "want to steal your skin and become you." He refers to them as "ian watson boys."
• The Principal - who believes that the ideal Vox-Caster body is bent, broken and anemic from standing in place all day - is incredulous that Boy actually climbs the many, many steps to the Eternity Gate, much less actually go through it.
  Proprietus: STOP. STOP! NO! YOU HAVE NO PROOF OF THIS! IT IS BUT DRIVEL! DRIVEL!!
  Boy: if i am but drivel, then howdy explain these? (sets his leg on the table with a thump) these are big stairwalk legs, sir!
  Proprietus: (horrified gasp) WHY IS THE MEAT ON YOUR LEGS SO BLOATED? WHAT DISEASE HAVE YOU BROUGHT?!
  Boy: it's musk-lees! something that you don't have because you only ever stand up! this is what I get for standing, sitting, walking, running, and hopping up BIG STAIR! this is what i get for rejecting your lacking creed.
  Proprietus: (gurgles in outrage) BLASPHEMY! ACCURSED BOILS! YOU SULLY THE CASTER WITH YOUR FUNCTIONAL FINGERS! YOU INSULT THE EMPEROR WITH YOUR ASS IN SEAT!
• Much like Decius, Boy undergoes Vocal Evolution when describing his journey into the heart of the Imperial Palace, speaking in a stronger voice and pronouncing words correctly... until the very end.
  Boy: after uncountable time, after walking through lakes of plasma, halls of sleeping golems, valleys of pistons and pumps, pyramids of glimmering auramite, we reach the ultimate door... wherein BIG SKELETON sits!
• The punishment assigned Boy for "lying" is A Fate Worse Than Death - Censorship. Which consists of slapping duct tape over his mouth, commenting that "came recommended by the local Mechanicus cult, they use this stuff for everything!" Oh, and erase any trace that Boy ever existed, including killing anyone that knows him.
• Karstodes tries to claim that killing the Principal Vox-Caster was a collaborative effort, because his chiseled form caused the bastard to bleed out faster.
• After Boy's superior has bled to death and Karstodes has taken the injured Boy off for bionic ear surgery and to move into the Imperial Palace, the "Asshailer" who blew out Boy's eardrums at their mutual superior's request is just left behind. As the voxcast slowly dies away, he starts talking to himself about what he's supposed to do now, wondering if they're going to come back and kill him or not, and if he should maybe start a traitor cult or join a gang for protection. The kicker is when he finally starts wondering on if he should join the "rat imperium" in the sewers, and what it would actually take to qualify, which is where the voxcast finally ends.
  Asshailer: Wait, what about that rat imperium I heard whispers of coming out of the sewer?? Do they recruit non-rats? Could I become a rat? Do I need a fursuit or do I just need big teeth and claws and a nasty tail? How do I get a tail? Just attaching a rope might be considered a bit gauche? Would a mechanical one suffice? Could I grow one using chem concoctions? How much would that cost?

Dorn's Night Before Sanguinala

• Boy's rather unique method of rebuking the Great Horned Rat: he flushes the daemon back down the toilet.