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Funny / If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device Shorts

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    Short 1: Kitten Gasping 
  • Kitten's gasps eventually degrade into loud shouts, he falls out of character, and lampshades the hell out of it.
    Kitten: I'm fucking Link from The Legend of Zelda now, fucking hell. I'm gonna wake up the neighbor's baby.
    The Emperor: *Wearing a bonnet and a pacifier* *Crying noises.*

    Short 2: The Emperor Experiments With His Text-to-Speech 

    Short 3: Why Kitten Hates the Tau 
  • The Emperor reveals to us why Kitten hates the Tau: Shadowsun broke up with him, due to having to uphold the Greater Good and possibly because he has tried to make love to her forehead.
    The Emperor: You want to talk about this?
    Kitten: THIS IS NOT FUCKING CANON!
  • Alfa's left a comment that at the time of recording, Thunderpsyker didn't know the context of the lines he was providing.
    Alfabusa: RIP Alfabusa, found horribly murdered in some backalley in britain.

    Short 4: Decius Breaks the News 

    Short 5: Luscious Lucius Prankz (GONE HERETICAL) 
  • Lucius the Eternal returns in all his hilariously disturbing glory, this time with his own prank-playing show.
  • First, his attempt to kiss an Eldar backfires, and he ends up getting his crap kicked in by an Eldar Wraithguard. Which he naturally enjoys.
    OW! STOP IT, IT'S JUST A PRANK! OO, AGH, Oooh~
  • Then, he finds a psyker boy and proves how easy it is to dupe some poor kid into thinking you're a harmless partner only to reveal yourself as a predator.
    "I WAS THE LITTLE GIRL ALL ALONG! DO I FULFILL YOUR FANTASIES~?"
  • And finally, he force-feeds a sandwich to a hobo. One made of freshlynote -milked daemonette milk and sand (it's a SANDwich after all), all in the guise of charity.
    "Everyone will appreciate it as we make the galaxy a better place. CUE THE DRAMATIC GUITAR MUSIC! I AM A FUCKING SAINT!"
  • Alfabusa's comment on the video: "Remember how I said the last short was officially the dumbest TTS video ever of all time? I LIED."

    Short 6: Requiem for Dominique 

    Short 7: The Imperial Law 
  • The short starts with the Emperor trying to scare Rogal with the fact that he's a skeleton, on the basis that skeletons are the scariest of frameworks, only to be told that honor goes to the Imperium's legal framework.
    Emperor: So what you are telling me is that the humongous beaureaucratic blisters upon this once fine Imperial musculature has managed to ruin my entire poor, sweet Dictates Imperialis through a case of galactic myotonic dystrophy?
    Rogal: ...Define "ruin."
    Emperor: I am not going to define shit. Get bent. Drop dead. Pop a knot. FUCK. OFF.
  • Rogal shows the Emperor his (outdated) copy of the Book of Judgement. It's large enough that he claims to sometimes use it as a support beam. Knowing Dorn's poor grasp of metaphors, it's probably Not Hyperbole.
  • The Emperor has a small scale meltdown to the rapid expansion note  of the Lex Imperialis that, unlike his warp storm tantrums, can only be described as abject horror.
    Emperor: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Oh no, oh hell to the fuck no. [...] By Zoas' high-voltage willy this is utterly unacceptable. Quickly Rogal, make it illegal to make new laws. Time is of the fucking essence Rogal go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go.
  • The response, with or without context, is hilarious in its own right.
    Rogal: I am go.
  • Just hearing Rogal referring to the High Lords, crotchety old men that they are, as youngsters. He's one of the few that can.
    • And the reactions from the High Lords are simply disappointment (with the Grand Provost Marshal breaking down in tears). Sounds like they really enjoyed their jobs.
      Grand Provost Marshal: But... but- making new laws... that's... my favorite thing!
      Master of the Administratum: Aw, well, fiddlefucks. I guess clown goblins are legal after all.
      Grand Provost Marshal: [A sadness that could never be illegalized]
      Commander Militant: FUCK YOU, MAGNUS.
  • After complaining about the book claiming every word is his own (impossible for several reasons), the Emperor proceeds to ask a pertinent question.
    The Emperor: Also, what is the material this book is made out of?
    Rogal: Human skin.
    The Emperor: *Violently rockets the book across the room with a crash* Fucking ew.
  • The Emperor keeps trying to get the kind of back-and-forth routine he did with Kitten and Magnus going, but Rogal flatly refuses to put up even a token defense of the Imperial legal system. Instead, he points out that the Adeptus Arbites wear buckets on their heads, and he finds this funny. In response, the Emperor jokes that having fun is illegal in this Imperium... which Rogal agrees is true, prompting the Emperor to give an agitated skeletal shriek.

    THE FINAL EPISODE (April's Fools) 
  • Fucking Horus acts like a hammy Saturday morning cartoon villain in every way.
  • After the Emperor attempts to kill Horus again, he gets knocked down:
    Emperor: Chucklefucks! And I was so happy to have meaty bits again...
  • Horus' list of allies, several of which appear in blatantly Stylistic Suck manner (The Beast looks suspiciously like an action figure, Herman Von Strab, the Megarachnids and the Old Ones are cartoonish drawings, Old One Eye is just a zoom-in on his tabletop model, as is Sly Marbo)
    The Beast! Goge Vandire! The Squats! Sindri Myr! Herman Von Strab! The Megarachnids! The Old Ones! The Techno-Barbarians! Old One Eye! And... SLY MARBO!note 
  • Magnus attempts to remind Horus that he was his ally, only to be cut off by Evil Gloating.
    Horus: I'M THE EMPEROR NOW! AHAHAHAHAHA!

    Heroes of the 41st Millennium: Sly Marbo, The One-Man Army 
  • When Sly shows up and starts slaughtering the Dark Eldar like lambs to slaughter one Warrior is just as much confused as he is terrified.
    D. Eldar: VECT'S DICK, WHAT IS HAPPENING!?"
    Sly:' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *Tackles the warrior off screen*
  • The only thing that Sly Marbo ever says is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. And it seems that one point, he actually weaponizes his shouts, as well as possibly using his own subtitles as a bludgeon.
  • Facing a dilemma, Marbo has tiny angelic and diabolic versions of himself appear at his side. Their advice? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    Short 8: Crotalids 
  • The episode begins with Kitten playing Call of Duty (which sounds oddly similar to Spyro the Dragon) with Indrick Boreale and Apollo Diomedes. Who voices these space marines? Nobody, their lines are all sentence mixed!
    • Of particular note is when Kitten explains the situation to Indrick and Apollo.
      Kitten: Indrick, Apollo. I'm sure you've heard stories of imperial navy vessels showing up weeks or even years after entering the warp.
      Indrick: Yes, we have.
      Kitten: That's the situation we're stuck in thanks to father Magnus, you can thank him.
      Apollo: ffFUUUUUCK YOOUUUUUUUUh!
      Kitten: [shocked parent]
      Magnus: (coughing) Oh my god...
  • Magnus breaking into a full-on Steve Irwin impression at the sight of a Crotalid. Companion is utterly confused.
    • At the opening, Magnus is instead channeling Chuck Yeager, with his last "uhhhh" drawn out to being Hell Is That Noise. Not to mention he begins by addressing his passengers as "languid bastards", and abruptly calling the ship's course a "HELL RIDE WITHOUT A PADDLE" with all the gusto of an excited cowboy.
  • Kitten is absolutely baffled by Magnus going further and further into Steve Irwin mode.
    Kitten: Is this a bit?
  • The titular crotalid makes the same noise as the Kritters in Donkey Kong Country.
    • When it's revealed that crotalids travel in massive herds, Magnus insists that Kitten/Companion play his didgeridoo in order to calm them. And it works... it just so happens didgeridoo music also attracts megarachnids. Also in massive herds.
      Magnus: You have to soothe these crots with the power of me ol' D I D G E R I D O O, Companion!
      Kitten: Where were you holding this...
    • Before Magnus reveals the didgeridoo attracts megarachnids, we get this gem:
      Magnus: Be careful. The sound of my did-jerry-donut of the damned has been known to attract an even fouler creature of the warp! The lost souls of one of the Imperium's most apeshit drongos!
      Kitten: Chaos Space Marines?
      Indrick: (while holding a controller) GAmERs...
      • While charming the crotalids with the didgeridoo, Kitten starts improvising music, which the crots sing along (and is subtitled as [it's improv] ). One of the songs he plays is Megalovania, the other is the Crash Bandicoot main theme.
      • ThunderPsyker actually starts corpsing a little when he starts playing Megalovania.
    • Magnus putting Diomedes into a timeout box becomes hilarious if you're familiar with the Blood Ravens' lore, because they are all but outright said to be loyalist descendants of the Thousand Sons, meaning that Magnus is literally their gene father, and he's putting his son in timeout.
  • The simple fact crotalids are canon has to count for something. Huge crocodiles that just happen to be able to migrate through Hell for no conceivable reason at all are completely canon. Sometimes dedication to the source material pays off like that.

    Heroes of the 41st Millennium: Commissar Ciaphas Cain 
  • It's a bit meta, but the fact that Takahata101 voices Ciaphas Cain's heroic persona with Perfect Cell's voice.
    • It gets even funnier when his depressed, self-deprecating persona has Imperfect Cell's voice as well.
  • The guardsmen under Cain's command all but throttling each other for the opportunity to praise their commissar more. The two guardsmen retelling the story of what they believed happened straight up cut each other off by shoving, tripping, and then tossing the other off-screen, in that order, all while Cain is slowly leaning back as if he's thinking "okay, maybe dial it back a notch, you two..."
  • The short begins with guardsmen carrying Cain on their shoulders and boasting about how he won an entire campaign against the Orks in one shot... and then we get to the guy alone.
    Cain: [SCREAM OF UNENDING IMPOSTOR SYNDROME]
  • The sheer fact that his angsting about his imposter syndrome is up to eleven when the actual battle described is pretty tame compared to how ludicrous his canon adventures get... while also even more clear than the actual novels about Cain's cowardice. Really, it's the way Cain tells it that sells it, as he admits that he really just went pedal to the metal in his Chimera in a desperate attempt to run away, only to run right into a dead end and he only hit the weak spot in the cliff by accident while trying to shoot the damn Orks, and only managed to escape by the skin of his teeth, and was lucky enough that the second Ork stealth force were stupid enough to stand under a fragile cliff.
  • Cain has a picture of himself in his office. Were it not for his massive rant against himself, one would think he was a Narcissist who only pretends that he cares for his troops. Instead, it seems it's in there so he can yell at it about his Imposter Syndrome and deride himself.
  • Cain somehow managed to not notice Marneus Calgar in full armor standing by the door in his office while on his rant. What followed after that is the two quickly finding common ground... on feeling like "pieces of shit."

    A Be'lated Sanguinala Short 

    Squats Reborn 
  • The Squats finally make their return! And in true TTS fashion they are complete caricatures: horrible bagpipe music, loud Scottish accents and a love for bagis.
Hragthkar: AH STOOD IN YER PUNY EXTERMINATUS BLAST SO AH COULD COOK ME WEE BAGGERS to perfection.
  • The Serf has his fair share of good lines as well:
    Governor Slobarious: Ah well I suppose it is best they all starve. A necessary evil.
    Serf: Hmm yes necessary evil, absolutely
    • After Hragthkar kills Slobarious and appoints himself as the new gover and states his first new law is: "WEE BAGIS FOR EVERYONE!"
    Serf: Fuck I'm convinced.
  • The Leader of the Squats reveals himself like any proper Squat would.
    "I am Hragthkar Realmcarver Börgersson, Master of the Iron Tunnels, Sunderer of Slugs, Father of the Fourteenth Throng, Eleventh Lord of Armaments and Drainer of the Broth Barrels!"
  • The local Inquisitor who tries to deny the existence of Squats gets a snappy comeback.
    Inquisitor: IN THE NAME OF TERRA I DEMAND YOU IMMEDIATELY CEASE THIS IMPERTINENT PRACTICE OF EXISTING!!
    Hragthkar: FEELIN' PRETTY EXISTENT HERE IN YER ORBIT! LET'S SEE HOW YER GROUND TREATS US!
  • At the end of the short, a pair of Drukhari are looking at the insanity unfold with one of them asking if they should put a stop to this.
  • Making this whole short even funnier is that a few months after the short, the Squats make their actual canonical return through the Leagues of Votann!

    Miscellaneous 
  • The Felinids are great for that panicked laughter that comes from not knowing what else to do.
    • Before the ambassador shows up:
      Guardsman 1: Oi mate! Aren't they that race o' Cat People?
      Guardsman 2: Oh yeeeeh, das roight! That's excitin', innit?
      Guardsman 3: Aw Yeah lads! We're gonna get some Catlady action!
      Guardsman 1: Terrific Terra! You're roight!
      Guardsman 2:Ooh, that's what's excitin', innit?
    • After the ambassador shows up.
      Guardsman 2: [escalating fear]
      Ambassador: HELLO
      Guardsman 1: STOP IHIHIHIIIIT!
      Guardsman 2: [not the face]
      Ambassador: HELLO
      Guardsman 3: I can't bang that...
      Ambassador: I AM -
      Commander: No one can save us from this grimdark future... NO ONE.
  • The Grey Knights discover the Wulfen/Alfabusa's reaction to the new Wulfen
    Grand Master Covan: DIGGANOBZ...
    Grey Knight 1: ... Absolve me of my negligence, Grand Master, what was it you sai—
    Covan: DIGGANOBZ!
    Grey Knight 2: ... N-no, I'm fairly sure those are Wulfe—(gets hit with hammer) ÜUUUUURG...
    Covan: FOOLS! BEHOLD! (holds up a picture of the new Wulfen, and a picture of the Digganobs)
    Grey Knight 1: Grand Master, I do not wish to be brash... but these fiends are not Ork cosplayers, they are vile Space Wolves who have succumbed to their unclean geneseed and turned into menacing beasts! We have to hunt and purge the—
    Covan: FAHCK YOU! (holds up a picture of a Wulfen painted like a Digganob) DIGGANOBZ!
    Grey Knight 1: ...Affirmative, Grand Master. They are indeed Digganobz.
    Covan: GOOD.
    • As Covan puts up two pictures to compare the two, one can hear the infamous SUBALUWA plays for the Wulfen closeup while a snippet of HMKids' Ere We go.
    • Then, Alfabusa in the comments:
    Yet another piece of evidence that supports my theory that the 40k design team are slowly crawling back to 2nd Edition and Rogue Trader.
    Goff Rockersnote  when?
  • The Origins of the Flesh Eaters Space Marine Chapter
    • Space Marines can gain knowledge and insight by eating the flesh of their enemies, and the appropriately-named Flesh Eaters take it to a natural extreme... because they tried to eat Orks, which are essentially mushrooms, resulting in a hallucinogen-induced vision of Sanguinius. When their commander asks what he most desires...
    Sanguinius: HUNGER FOR BUUURGEEEEER. HEEEEERETIC BURGEEEEER.
    [cheers of unfathomable joy]
    Commander: Yes! Yes!! Our true purpose is clear! Eat! EAT!! BUUUURGEEEER!
    • Worse still when the Emperor himself, wishing to see his precious hawk-boy again, joins the fun, literally slurping up Ork limbs like spaghetti to see his long-lost son again.
  • Iron Warriors and Imperial Fists Don't Like Each Other
    • The fact that the entire argument is over a sand castle that the Imperial Fist is building, and the Iron Warrior is smashing with a shovel, just to spite the Fist, eventually culminating in them just screaming "FORTIFY!" and "SIEGE!" over and over as they rebuild/destroy the sand castle.
    • The Imperial Fist's nonchalant "No." is the exact same tone as his Primarch's.
    • One feels that the Iron Warrior came incredibly close to a breakthrough about its behaviour, defused neatly by the Imperial Fist's nonchalance.
    Iron Warrior: I am very bitter, and you are the reason why.
    Imperial Fist: I know. [Beat] And I don't care.
    • For added hilarity, both the Imperial Fist and Iron Warrior these large fearsome Super Soldiers wearing massive Power Armor... are just holding simple tools like a trowel and shovel respectfully. But not only that, if one takes a closer look said tools are personalized with the trowel having a tiny aquila and the other end of the shovel is spiked.
  • The Gate of Morkai
    • The inspiration for the video comes from the Space Wolf novels by William King stating that part of initiation into the Space Wolves involves facing temptation by Chaos via the titular gate. Or, to summarise:
    Wolf Priest: You walk through this archway. A squid will scream at you. If you get a boner, we're killin' you.
    • And the squid in question?
    Tzeentch: Hey, son! You want a change of ways?
    Initiate: WHOT IS THIS?????
    Tzeentch: I can get you a cheap haircut and a cool new financial advisor if you give your soul to the empyrean!
    Initiate: NOOOOO!
    Tzeentch: The throne is falling! Enjoy your economical instability!
    • The fact that despite the initiate remaining flaccid throughout, the censor bar over his groin reaches his knees.
    • Apparently Chaos has an even more formidable tool than a cheap haircut and a cool new financial advisor:
    Wolf Priest: Good thing they didn't use the WOLF TITS ON YA THO. Then you'd be right fekked, boy.
    • By the end the Initiate is utterly fed up with the Wolf Priest.
    Initiate: J...Just shove the Canis Helix into my face and throw me out into the wilderness now, please and thank you.
    Wolf Priest: Allfather willing! *CRUNCH*
  • While the Lamenters episode is more sad and depressing than funny, there is one brief moment: When the Emperor criticize the "Cursed" appelation given to the 21th Founding as yet another symbol of how regressive and superstitious the Imperium is, naming the founding "[...] as if a cabal of fucking wizards put an evil spell on it.", Whaamudes simply replies with:
    "Is that really so unlikely, master?"
    • The Emperor expresses, with considerable sarcasm, that if you were going to describe the Lamenters as "quote-unquote cursed", why not the entire Blood Angels genestock given all the problems the Blood Angels have had? Whammudes' response is an almost nonchalant "oh. Oh no, the Lamenters are absolutely cursed."
      • Cue a montage of just how awful the Lamenters' lives have been, and the Emperor simply says "Oh." Cue a massive rainstorm, with Whaamudes quietly getting out a mop to start cleaning up.

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