- 8 Terrifying Instruments Old-Time Doctors Used on Your Junk contains possibly some of the best writing ever seen on Cracked (Entry #3 and the end of Entry #2 being notable examples).
- A Fly on the Wall Look at the Cracked.com Christmas Party. Especially when Seanbaby makes the scene:
On the heels of the command, a red and blue streak shot across the camera's field and slammed into Wong, sending both of them flipping into the background with a series of sickening thuds. It was Seanbaby. When they stopped rolling, he stood, now wearing all of David Wong's clothes. Wong, himself, was dressed from head to toe in a skin tight, red and blue, leather jumpsuit that I can only imagine had adorned Sean's body before the attack. Around the seams were tiny spots of blood, where Sean had stapled the outfit to the unconscious man. I thought about asking him how he did that, but I opted for silence, for fear that after asking the question, I'd turn around to find him standing behind me, fully prepared to demonstrate.
- The Most Horrifying Writers Room Ever.
- 100 Unintentionally Hilarious Spam Subject Lines.
- A Trailer For Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever here.
- How to Show America You Care, with Homemade Fireworks. Seanbaby teaches everyone the joy of celebrating Independence Day by scavenging elaborate fireworks packages for their explosives and rubber-cementing them to a toy truck (with a Justin Timberlake effigy on it) and launching it into a stuffed (read: with fireworks) cat plush named Salsa.
(The first image is a two-parter, with Seanbaby sitting amongst a pile of fireworks) Seanbaby
: Hi! Before we get started, let's look at some important safety tips! (The second part is him showing off the back of a fireworks display, and its safety "comic") Seanbaby
: Flames and explosions hurt
, but not as much as knowing your kid is a pussy. Don't put your parents through that with firework safety, you selfish assholes. Caption
: Do not listen to this man.
- The Sex Offender Shuffle.
- Cracked Topics on dongs.
When it was clear to us that a careful study of dongs was in order, we decided to explore the many aspects of the dong phenomena. The popularity of dongs is unprecedented, and it is our responsibility to dive right in and try to deliver while such an insatiable public hunger for dongs exists.
- Cracked's list of posters for possible movies based on websites. Guess which site was #1.
- Revisiting Old-School Text Adventures as a Jaded Modern Gamer
- Most of The 7 Most Retarded Criminal Excuses of all Time is hilarious, but number 1 in particular stands out: Someone tied pot around their dick and tried to smuggle it into prison. When the police found it, he said that it was simply "a misunderstanding".
There is no reasonable series of events that could come together in any order that would make that a misunderstanding. "I got naked and fell into a pile of weed and decided not to check myself afterwards"? Nope. "I thought this was how you properly disposed of drugs"? No you didn't. "My girlfriend loves the smell of pot on my dick"? Bullshit. No girlfriend will ever love that smell.
How This Excuse Could Work: For the entire world to be a retarded sitcom, written four generations into a writers strike, where everyone has nine grams of marijuana around their genitals and ten times that in their bloodstream.
Better Excuse: "I'm part of a highly secretive, extremely experimental undercover Drug Enforcement Team. In an effort to catch a gang of all homosexual pot-dealers, we wrap marijuana around our dicks. We call this 'fishing,' and it's awful." You're bound to at least get some creativity points for that.
- Frosty the Snowman declares War on the War on Christmas. Crosses so many lines it looks like the Snarl.
- Exploring the Mysteries of the Mind With Sims 3. Seanbaby creates a nightmarish world for one fat, hydrophobic Sim and watches as madness slowly takes over. What really kills it is the final experiment:
When you create a Sim, it records a copy of them. This allowed me to go back to the menu and start the game over with a fresh genetic clone of Subject Beef and Turbo Sexaphonic. With science marching along next to me, I moved them into the burned-out, haunted remains of my old facility to recreate our grand experiment. What happened next is a true story: the clone rummaged through the trash for exactly 25 hours, then ran to the pool to sink and die. It's like the first thing he did after being created was remember what I had done. Going over all this data, I can conclude that science and all the dark-sided Gozar-summoning magic it brings with it can kiss my ass.
- Related to this is when Brockway wrote an article about gun violence and violent video games. One of his rhetorical suggestions was that we as a society ditch Call of Duty and play the more peaceful game series, The Sims. Cue everyone in the comments section asking him if he's ever played the game (or at least read Seanbaby's article) and swapping all the different creative ways they've murdered their Sims and other characters from supposed non-violent video games (ie, Rollercoaster Tycoon) in ways that Call of Duty could only dream of. As one commentor put it, at least the NPCs in Call of Duty shoot back.
- The 17 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Propaganda Posters mights seriously be the funniest thing. Number 13 in particular... "If this were a smoking ad, you wouldn't be reading this right now because your dad would have died of lung cancer when he was 11."
- Number 13 is the image for Public Service Announcement. Now try to look at it the same after reading their interpretation: "If the ghost of chalk Hitler is so pleased by people driving alone, why does he look so terribly sad? Maybe because the stone cold pimp in the driver's seat just made him watch while his dick played hopscotch with the ghost of chalk Eva Braun."
- And Number 1. It's a poster trying to promote peace between Taiwan and China... depicting a bunch of nubile Asian women in bikinis laying about. "Problem? Who said there's a problem? This is the best damn thing we've ever seen."
- Michael Bay Presents: Fishing.
- 6 Brilliant Inventions That Look Like Gag Gifts. The first item on the list is Powdered Water. The author mentions a classic joke email about Dumb Blonde Inventions, that features things like "solar-powered flashlight," "pedal-powered wheel chair" and "powdered water". But after the entry explains that powdered water, or rather "dry water", is a really useful thing, the author remarks "So we guess we should go looking for a pedal-powered wheelchair now?". Guess what's the next item on the list.
- 4 Great Sex Advice Books for People Who Hate Sex. Especially the last one.
- Put DOB, Swaim, and Abe Epperson in liveblog with a bunch of rambunctious commenters for an hour, and watch the chuckles pour in.
- 6 Movie Plots That Could Have Been Solved In Minutes, particularly #6.
- 32 insane movie ideas built on existing movie titles. Funniest. Photoshop. Contest. EVER.
- Even more hilarious is that one of those "ideas"- "Red Dawn Of The Dead" is actually a real unproduced script, not sure whether the Cracked writers knew about it or not, but it sure is an amazing coindidence. You can read it here.
- The Sadness of Toy Story measured in Tears.
- Anything involving Popsicle Pete, the herald.
- 15 Unintentionally Perverted Toys for Children. ALL ABOARD THE DICK SLIDE!
- If Every (famous) Person Got What They Deserved: the #3 entry? PRESIDENT Bruce Campbell.
- Seanbaby's explanation for the Kool-Aid Man's wall-smashing tendencies: "He's a creature made entirely out of tap water, sugar and a pouch of carcinogens. His body can't decide whether it wants to evacuate its liquid, run as fast as it can or die, so he just charges the nearest building in a desperate attempt at all three."
- From this article, starting with #6:
According to Joseph, his friends had left the party reading quotes from the bible to each other and were on their way to assist the homeless. According to the police, the group was shooting off flamethrowers and wheeling a giant cannon down the street toward an orphanage. The truth is probably somewhere in between.
Joseph was rushed to the hospital where doctors discovered the 19 bullet-holes in his body. The attending physician later testified that Joseph was "probably in severe pain." Dr. Obvious likely went on to say that the red stuff pouring out of Joseph's body was "probably blood."
When the doctors at the field hospital found out he had a whole, working rocket inside him, there was the usual panic and screaming until someone finally calmed down enough to try and save his life. This was despite the fact that the army manual called for him to be dumped far away from everyone and treated last. Seriously, nothing makes you more unpopular to a group than having a live bomb inside you.
Back in 2006, a guy in Oregon got really depressed, probably because he realized he lived in Oregon. He decided it was time to end his life and after ruling out faster, better, more proven alternatives, he decided he would end it all by shooting himself in the head with a nailgun (we've all been there, right?). We're going to go out on a limb and assume that he was probably a bit disappointed when the first nail pierced his skull and he found himself still alive and in Oregon.
He was serious about ending it all though and kept pulling the trigger on the nail gun like a guy waiting for an elevator. By the time he was done, he had a dozen nails embedded in his head. It's unclear why he stopped but a good guess is because it really hurts to shoot nails into your skull.
- 9 Self Defense Gadgets Your Mugger Will Find Hilarious .
- The 6 Most WTF Special Edition Comics Ever Released
- That encyclopedia is hilarious. To the people that doubt the hilarity of it, it's Trope Namer for And That's Terrible.
- Special mention should also go to #5 the Knight Gallery. There's nothing quite as amusing as looking at Batman's Fashion Journal.
- 10 Mustache Styles That Must Be Stopped. Especially number two, the 'Finger Mustache'. The Running Gag of this article is that people don't actually look as cool as they think they do when wearing these mustaches. This represented by showing one picture of what you think you look like (which shows an image of a cool or stylish person) and what you actually look like (accompanied by an image of a geeky or creepy person). In number two, it shows the picture of the Finger Mustache for the 'what you think you look like' category. For the 'what you actually look like' category, it shows a picture of a douche. Literally.
- There's also #6. "The American Standard"... The "cool guy" photo is young, 1970's Ron Jeremy. The "stupid-looking guy photo"... present-day Ron Jeremy!
- The Robert Brockway article "5 Terrifying Things Movies Don't Tell You About Los Angeles", which is about how much Los Angeles sucks, includes a brief section on how jobs require you to have pretty headshots even when you're not going to be seen by the customers and Brockway posts a few of said headshots of his coworkers. Now, roughly half the comments are about how attractive Soren Bowie is , with many people apparently forgetting about the rest of the article.
- Fitting with Soren's Stupid Sexy Flanders tendencies, the description that Soren "only occasionally hunts men for sport" can also be interpreted with homoerotic undertones.
- The at least partially deranged look on Robert Brockway's face in the "defensive cell phone pic [his] wife snapped after she came home from shopping and realized she forgot the Jameson."
- Liquor is the other lesbian mother of invention
- The 7 Best Kinds of Monkeys: A Drunk Column
- Cracked gives us the greatest break-up ballad ''ever''.
- 6 Superfriends Villains That Didn't Give a @#%*. From the increasingly lower "Amount of a shit given in regards to physics and reason" to some of the madcap reimaginings of screencaps taken right from the show:
- Shrink rays are very commonplace, it seems...
(Lex Luthor is flying a ship and has the shrunken down Hall of Justice next to him) Lex Luthor
: You little guys okay in there? Someone from inside
: FUCK YOU!
- The actual quotes from the episodes are ridiculous:
: I can't believe it! A moon creature, as big as the— Superman
: THIS IS A JOB FOR SUPERMAN! (flies off) Apache Chief
: (indignant glare) Seanbaby
: Look, we get that everyone on the team who isn't you is a little bit pointless, Superman, but when you're being attacked by something big and you're standing next to the guy whose power is exactly that
, shouting "THIS IS A JOB FOR SUPERMAN!" is a lot like saying, "You're only here for the Native American employee tax incentives!"
- "Colossus, a Giant of Giants" summed up in two panels:
- And once again, the actual quote:
: Our computers show that this is a giant strand of hair! Apache Chief
: And that's what's blocking the sun's rays? Seanbaby
: It's good to know that after the Earth collides into cosmic facial hair, it will only take two professional super heroes and a computer several minutes to figure out what's going on. Apache Chief and Superman are looking right at a picture of Earth in a beard and they're still puzzling their way through it.. "Superman. Earth's buildings are being demolished by pubic lice
. There are trace amounts of soup in the atmosphere. My people do not grow hair of the facials, yet my Indian senses are warning me... this! May be a beard
- This... disturbingly logical extrapolation from the failure of the latest Bat-gadget:
Robin: "Wait a second, Batman. If this Bat Insect Repellent is useless against insects, why have we been carrying tubes of it around in our body cavities? Batman? I deserve an answer, Batman."
- A comment sums up all of it up perfectly:
What. The. Epic. Fuck?
- The 5 Craziest War Stories (All Happened on the Same Ship). Especially #4 and #3.
- One from the forums; both the Ballad of Douche Quadbike and the resulting aftermath are pure gold.
- This article discusses the Carnivore Confusion of the Hamburglar living in a world where hamburgers are people.
- "7 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy" has its horror watered down a bit with some funny image captions. Like the one about "cheeseburger crotch" which shows a horrified woman holding a cheeseburger with this caption:
Oh, we forgot to tell you not to read this during lunch.
- 7 WTF Military Weapons You Won't Believe They Actually Built on the efficacy of Russian tanks; "Dammit, they found our one weakness; anything that isn't snow."
- The deconstruction of terrible writing in zombie flicks, as well as Ian inadvertantly revealing his scat fetish.
- The forays into glorious insanity that are Robert Brockway's Chaz Blazer articles.
Ever since I blacked out in the bathrooms at Beso and woke up next to that crying gypsy woman, I can only hear letters as notes of music.
- The caption for Lesson # 3 in Cracked Topics: World War 2: "We don't know what's worse, if this is our propaganda, or yours." The image is of a giant samurai with Imperial Japanese and Nazi German flags behind him killing everything on the ocean with a katana while the smoke of burning ships rise beneath his feet.
- Since 7/8/12, a picture of a creepy clown (specifically Pennywise) has appeared in the sidebar. The sidebar that gets stuck on the last picture. Cue the Cracked commentators panic over the clown following them.
- Toon People.
- This video: A brilliant Deconstruction of Boba Fett's Memetic Badass status has this as its climax:
Cody Johnston: Well, in the Extended Universe...
Michael Swaim: (Hard Indignant Slap in the Face)
- 6 Things No One Tells You About Living on a Farm. You'll never look at a bucket of fried chicken the same way again, especially after seeing the words, "Family Sized Rapists Bucket". The comments section is also stuffed with hilarious stories of people growing up on equally horrifying farms.
- 6 Most Terrifying Foods.
- 5, Casu Marzu, aka maggot cheese.
This, dear reader, is a medium-sized lump of Sweet Fucking Christ.
And, there may actually be a market for this. Self-loathing is a powerful force in this economy (see the diet section of your local supermarket) and there' times you get low enough that, damn it, you feel like you deserve nothing better than infested cheese.
Do you wince at the thought of swallowing a tequila worm? Imagine how you'd feel during a session on this bastard. Whoops, I swallowed a dead mouse! Whoops, there goes another one! Whoops, I just puked my entire body out of my nose!
Who are you going to find in America that's OK with drinking dead fetus juice as a way to improve their own health? OK, other than lawyers.
Of all the dishes, this is the one most likely to be mistaken for a threatening message from the mob. It's a sheep' head. Boiled.
No wonder why the Iraqis keep blowing themselves up. Wouldn't you, if every evening meal was a festival of death?
- 1, balut, aka a duck fetus.
They are typically sold by street vendors at night, out of buckets of warm sand. You can spot the vendors because of their glowing red eyes, and the faint, otherworldly sound of children screaming.
Actually, marketed properly, these eggs could be a damn good motivator. When you've looked death in the face at breakfast time, what the hell else can the day throw at you?
- The Ten Most Ridiculous Album Cover Trends of All Time gives us the wonderful images of men sitting cross-legged in wicker chairs. They must be seen to be believed.
- The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time is hilarious, especially if you know a lot about the presidents on the list. Also, they compare George Washington to the HULK.
- Brockway builds a bike.
- 10 Most Insane Acts of Violence in Kickboxing History. Seanbaby's strikes with his gross hyperboles. In fact, probably the whole article could count as big article of funny, but to be more specific...
Glaube's sweetest weapon is a gator kick he calls the "Brazilian Kick." It's an attack that looks like his thigh and shin can't agree on what they're doing. It starts low so your opponent's elbow comes down to protect his body, then your kneecap dislodges and your foot swings over his gloves and into his betrayed face. You can't trust Glaube's leg. Glaube's leg will invite you over for sex and then sell you Amway. Poisoned Amway.
as a Japanese hero, biased judges always sent his fights into extra "tie-breaking" rounds. Musashi could get pummeled into an amublance and the judges would chase after it to tell him he still has an extra round to fight. If you punch Musashi in the eye, the Japanese judges write that down as "Musashi sternly gazes at opponent's honorless fist: 75 points." When Musashi dies, Japanese ringside teams will exhume his body for a tie-breaker round against the robots that killed him.
Counter fighting against Glaube Feitosa is like playing catch with hot soup — it only ends quickly and stupidly.
Feitosa backed Musashi up with punches, threw a Brazilian Kick, then a front kick to the face. Musashi awesomely blocked and dodged all of this, but he was out of room. He bounced off the ropes just as Feitosa went into the air with a flying knee. Geologists can't explain why the ground shook for a moment, but wise men say that it was the erections of ancient war gods raging under the Earth.
Kaman wears trunks with a rainbow across the crotch. Why? Because he wants you to picture how badly he could kill you if you said something about it. Plus, it makes it impossible to tell whether he's going to fuck you or your wife.
Piotrowski collapsed to a knee, swinging the whole time. Then this crazy bastard wobbled back to his feet only to have the referee stop the fight. Why? Because Piotrowski was completely god damn asleep. Rob Kaman shattered the part of his brain that tells your body when it's in a coma. The referee held his unconscious body, but he was holding it more back than he was up. Which is a pretty ballsy thing to do to a guy who just turned into a zombie right in front of you.
- Remi Bonjasky vs Akebono:
For two rounds Remy Bonjasky punched and kicked Akebono as he helplessly shambled in a tiny circle. Chocolate rabbits have more natural defenses than Akebono. I didn't know if Remy was toying with him or waiting for the ice cream inside to melt just to see what would happen. It was so embarrassing that I think the Japanese subtitles tried to trick the audience into thinking they were watching a panther kill a bean bag. Then, in the third round, Remy landed a head kick. Akebono looked so dead that local restaurant owners panicked. To this day, it's the most violent thing ever done to butter. They say that if you watch this fight while you're cooking, your cream sauce will break.
- Buakaw Por Pramuk vs. Masato: Ass Kicking of the Eight Limbs:
In the first round, Buakaw opened a Muay Thai school on Masato. Thai survivors of Japan's WWII invasion watch this and say, "Jesus, take it easy on the Japanese fella."
Most Thai fighters like to go slow in the first round and feel their opponent out. So if a Thai fighter spent the first round beating you like you were filled with candy, terrible things are in your future. Buakaw hunted Masato in a way that no behavioral forensics investigator would call human. At one point he boots Masato into the ropes, spins him around, and kicks both legs out from under him. Masato was so confused where he was, he had to spit to figure out which way was up like an avalanche victim.
After this one-sided fight went the distance, it seemed pretty easy for the Japanese judges to pick a winner — the awesome guy without all the footprints on his face. But on the other hand, Masato is Japanese. So they called it a tie and made them fight a fourth round. Coincidentally, four is the same number of years this insane decision took off Masato's lifespan.
The extra round went like the others. Buakaw filmed a How To Break A Man's Will With Muay Thai instructional tape all over Masato's legs, body, and head. Masato kept clinching to try and rest, but Muay Thai doesn't use the clinch for resting. As soon as any hug started, Buakaw either kneed an organ to death or spiked Masato into the mat like a football. After that, the judges didn't send it to a fifth round, probably because Masato's life insurance didn't cover suicide.
In comical slow motion, Sapp bent down and contorted his face in pain, surprise, and 8 emotions only buffalo have names for. He looked like he was trying to act out Total Recall for a deaf person. Something in his skull broke and it was taking a very long time for all the pain signals to reach the twin brains located in buttocky clusters of muscles in his calves.
As it would be explained to him later at the minotaur clinic, Cro Cop broke his orbital bone. Then they of course asked him to leave. His doctor didn't go to 12 years of minotaur school to treat a filthy cyclops.
- In a similar vein, the 6 least sportsmanlike Moments in MMA:
When a person gets knocked out, strange things happen. Sometimes you wake up quickly and have no idea what happened. Sometimes you stay unconscious until the A-Team is done saving everyone in your illegal sweatshop. In John Matua's case, his brain got confused and told every part of his body to go jogging in a different direction. So he hit the ground stiff and twitching. Tank Abbott, with the class one would expect from central casting's idea of a prison movie extra, looked back at the body and mocked his seizure. Mocked his seizure
. That's the kind of thing that makes Satan shuffle the papers on his desk and say, "Shit, I don't even think I have a form for that."
- A Book of Insults Just For the UFC. After expositing the Jerkass nature of Josh Koscheck (mocking, bullying, and general douchebaggery towards everyone involved), Seanbaby started writing down insults about Josh. However, he was under contract to write a book for a publisher at the time, who owned everything he wrote. So it was turned into a children's book: "1001 Josh Kos-BACKS!"
: Josh Koscheck, when the rest of us were learning right from wrong, was your wrestling coach teaching you how to fist a wrestling coach
? (Clipart of kids holding a banner reading "Gotcha fucker!")
- There are various "chapters" of this "book", such as one on getting personal:
- Cyriaque Lamar's 5 Great Songs to Immediately Ruin a Party, featuring such absurd classics as the relentlessly macho "Life at the Outpost" by the Skatt Bros., Paul Stanley's hilariously frenzied stage banter ("AWRIIIGHT!"), and possibly the best example of Giftedly Bad in music history, Shooby Taylor, the "Human Horn".
- Cracked's "historically accurate" Disney film, mixing idealistic princesses with the worst of the Dark Ages.
- Eight videogame moments that happened completely by accident holds quite a few comedic gems, both in the article itself and in the commenters' own gaming stories. Highlights of the latter include the incredible Hulk Hogan, the conga line of doom and the kidnapping orc biker.
- "Restroom Etiquette: Since There Seems to be Some Confusion." Starts with a hysterical illustration and just gets better from there.
- Great Moments in Gratuitous Sci-fi Nudity somehow lost all instances of "rn" due to a formatting error, causing spelling errors like "Retu of the Living Dead," and "Hoy 15-year-old." The comment section is a beautiful stream of snark.
- The 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever and its sequel.
- 13 Ghosts told the story of Buck Zorba, a young boy who used a pair of "ghost goggles" to navigate through a haunted house stocked with an assortment of spirits that included a murderous chef, a burning skeleton, a ghostly lion, and other challenges suitable for a party of four third-level adventurers.
- If Banner Ads Were Forced To Be Truthful, at least until you get to #1.
- The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap.
- 7 Charming Amenities of the World's Grossest Motel Room.
- The 40 Most Inappropriate Children's Book Covers.
- The story behind how a photo of Soren became a heavily used photo for advertising locksmiths. The photo came from an article Soren wrote on another site on how to break into your own car (after locking your keys inside it). Locksmiths started using the photo, and it spread across the internet. A member of Cracked found the photo and submitted it in a Photoplasty (Possibly because it just happened to look a lot like Soren) where Soren found the photo, wondered where it came from, did a quick search, and found it plastered all over the internet. And then after jokingly submitting a new photo for people to use, some people actually swapped the photos, suggesting that either somebody from the site contacted them, or a lot of Locksmiths just happened to read Cracked.
- If Theme Parks Just Didn't Give a F#@k.
- The 6 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Celebrity Instagrams, particularly #6 and #2.
- The Adventures of Dick Earthquake: Jedi Shithead. From the completely counter-intuitive, antithesis-of-Min-Maxing setup (picking Scoundrel and Council, meaning his accompanying droid had more health than he, refusal to commit to either Jedi or Sith and taking the worst parts of both sides (not enough dark side points to use things like Force Lightning effectively), to the fact that he has no idea how to use a lightsaber. And how did he actually beat Darth Malak? Via land mines, running away, and drugs. Lots and lots of drugs—a literal galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, laughers, and screamers. And it took about 20 minutes to win the fight.
Dick's moral compass pointed in two directions: hell and back.
- 4 Ways 'Grand Theft Auto V' Turned My Son Into a Monster has plenty of funny throughout, but the real gold hits in item number one, where John Cheese claims that Grand Theft Auto V turned his son into an ice-cold killer when a spider came into the room. How did Cheese react to the spider?
As soon as he exclaimed the word "spider," I jumped into immediate action, leaping up onto a nearby chair to make myself appear larger and more frightening to the spider. In a brave effort to scare it away, thus mercifully sparing its life, I let out a high-pitched scream and released an abundance of saline from my eyes, known by wise men to be a natural spider repellent.
Despite my heroic attempts, it stayed in place, taunting us with its steadfast grip on our floor. That's when my son showed his true colors. With a gaze as cold as arctic night, he lifted his foot. And without the slightest hint of emotion, he brought it down. Just like that, he was a killer. A victim of Grand Theft Auto V, forever damned to a life of unforgivable sin.
[picture of a shoe] In spider legend, it is known as the Eater of Worlds.
Slowly and cautiously, I backed out of the room. As my son watched me, his eyes showed confusion, but his heart showed the home of the devil.
I've since burned down my house to cleanse our tainted possessions, and my wife brought me to a magic doctor who gave me anti-devil pills to keep the dark infection away.
- The 5 Most Baffling Pieces of Christmas-Themed Fanfiction, especially the ending:
- One of the fake book covers here.
Are you on a tireless search for the manliest way to shave your balls?
- The narrator's obviously apathetic apology to the town that he turned into TheHungerGames.
To the surprised weekend janitor who discovered me, the children and the complicated and — if we could all just step back and get real for a second — objectively impressive maze/deathtrap that I built...
- It may have absolutely nothing to do with the subject of the article itself, but the Kenny Loggins joke in Robert Evans' "5 Weapons Myths You Probably Believe (Thanks to Movies)" is way more hilarious than it probably should be.
- This seriously manly article.
: All titles are also up for grabs as band names
- If Everyday Objects went to WAR. If this isn't the most utterly hilarious photoplasty on Cracked EVER, what is?
- In much the same vein as Seanbaby, almost anything Tom Reimann has written for Cracked has been absolutely hilarious, whether it's recapping a Fat Boys / Freddy Krueger crossover music video, providing blow-by-blow commentary for cinema's greatest Curb Stomp Battles, or describing Jaws 3-D as, accidentally, a brilliant psychological thriller.
- The 6 Most Needlessly Dangerous Jackie Chan Stunts. It's a love letter to Jackie Chan's on-screen badassery and insanity, but it's not without its... issues with said stunts. Like the "hot coal crab walk" from Drunken Master II:
: HOLY SHIT, YOU REALLY DID IT! Jackie Chan
: GLBBB! Ken Lo
: I'M COMING TO KICK YOU
! Jackie Chan
: BLGGHBLG! Ken Lo
: OH I'M REALLY
COMING! Jackie Chan
: GBB! BHHGBH! Ken Lo
: AND... IT'S ALMOST KICK TIME! Jesus, Jackie are you okay? Jackie Chan
: GGGB... Ken Lo
: OH NO, I MISSED MY KICK! Seriously, dude— are you alright? Jackie Chan
- The 43 Most Overused Movie Tropes.
- The start of 6 Insane Stereotypes That You See In Every Movie has Swaim blurting out "Gay people are magic!'', which elicits a Screw This, I'm Outta Here! from Soren.
- And the ending, when Swaim realizes that, because he's left-handed, he plays into the Hollywood stereotype that lefties are only fit for supporting roles.
- This. Guess who was 12?
- Five Reasons Megatron Should Have Fired Starscream Years Ago. All five reasons happen within the first fifteen minutes of the first episode.
- On the subject of a multiplayer mod for Just Cause 2:
Most mods aren't offered any support by game developers, and in some cases the developers even try to shut mods down. The developers of Just Cause 2, however, took one look at a picture of 2,000 people surfing fighter jets into an active volcano and realized that it would be a crime against humanity to stand in their way. So they gave the mod their blessing, which means it got an official release through Steam, where you can buy it for the modest price of free.
- This combination of Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick, Noodle Incident and Once Killed a Man with a Noodle Implement seen in the #4 entry of The 5 Creepiest Death Rituals from Around the World (Part 2):
Quick: What's the first thing that happens when a person dies? Sure, there's shock and sadness and the occasional influx of tabloid journalists because there's no way anyone could do that with a bowling ball and lighter fluid and not wind up in a newspaper postmortem.
- 5 Mundane Things that caused Earth shattering destruction. Huge amounts of Epic Fail!
- MANN VALENTINE'S MEAT-JUICE.
- 7 Pieces of Brain-Rotting Crap Made by Artistic Geinuses. Missteps, rare misses, being Only in It for the Money... but what stands out from the latter is a Rice Krispies jingle written by... The Rolling Stones.
Mick: Keith, stop pouring sugar all over it. You're getting hyper.
Keith: ... sugar?
- 5 Beloved Superheroes who are Actually Really Stupid. Thor's...unfamiliarity with Earth is rife for humor. Like in the first screencap taken from the Avengers movie, where Thor fights Cap...
Captain America: Wait wait shit! I know you're upset, but this will probably kill me!
Thor: FUUUUCK! THEEE!!!
- This article. Read about the Manticore.
- From 6 Hidden Glitches That Make Famous Video Games Better, there was an entry about how in Assassin's Creed 3, there are some random glitches that make it look like Connor, the playable character, is uncontrollably masturbating.
So, y'know, imagine finding out that your bold, brave ancestor was also a chronic public masturbator and being unable to do anything about it. Also note that this was not the first time in his family line that Desmond encountered such perversions. Yeah, we're not sure how these guys had ancestors in the first place.
The weirdest, or most awesome, thing about this glitch is that the animation isn't just an "if you look at it a certain way" kind of thing. No, it's almost disturbingly real, and it gets kind of uncomfortable to watch after a few seconds. Like someone put it there on purpose, perhaps to make Connor more relatable to the average gamer.
- Chris Bucholz is notable for being one of the few staff writers that still contributes comedy, has always contributed comedy and, in complete defiance of the website's shift in style, he continues to write hilariously absurd articles. Quite a large chunk of his work would qualify, though given his massive output, here are some standouts:
- Many of his articles tend to start off in a fairly lucid style, and then go off the rails by the second page. "The 12 Most Common Fantasies Teenage Boys Have" being particularly hilarious. It begins with fairly normal examples but by the end...
"Turning a former bully into a friend, and then turning that friend into a club is perhaps the most common fantasy of all. There are a few variants to this fantasy, although the most typical involves you now as the pilot of a large, multi-horse, Voltron-type creature. Obviously."
"#5. Psychological Warfare: Eventually it will come to pass that all of your attackers will escape, and you will no longer be able to actively defend yourself. But don't put your stick away yet! Because the government requires that children go to school, you have a very good idea where to find them on the next weekday and will be able to lie there in ambush. The courts call this Terror Stick Stalking Against a Minor, and it's your constitutional right
"Before we begin, it's important to pin down your motivation for attacking an animal with a bicycle chain. There are two primary reasons why you might want to do this.
1. You have a massive chemical imbalance in your brain
I'm sorry that once revealed and confronted by you, I nakedly screamed, "COME AT ME YOU FASCIST DOG. YOUR PRECIOUS FRICTION CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW." Again, in retrospect, my use of "fascist" was incorrect. This mistake will haunt me for the rest of my days.
I'm really sorry you wrestled varsity in high school. Holy shit.
Without acknowledging any responsibility, I'm sorry about the fire.
is great if you're some kind of sicko interested in boys wearing very few clothes, but its not very much fun for normal people. You're far less likely to be arrested reading Chris Bucholz's new novel Severence. Which depicts nudity gracefully, in its strongest, most natural form. Twelve Stars."
- Their merciless mockery of The Avengers: United They Stand in "The 6 Worst Marvel Cartoons of All Time". But especially the comic strip.
Enter: ULTRON!!! Surrender your world to Ultron! Ant-Man:
AVENGERS ASSEMB— Tigra:
Shut up! I was supposed to say it! Ant Man:
But I'm the team leader! The Vision:
Nuh-uh! Wasp said I
got to be team leader this time! Ultron:
Face Ultron's robotic wrath! Ant Man:
No, that was only if you gave me back my backpack! But then you threw it in the toilet! The Vision:
You still got it back! God! The Vision:
And anyways, fuck you!
You're Ant Man! Ultron:
Ultron's sensors indicate someone needs a time out— Ant Man: (not acknowledging Ultron)
What is that
supposed to mean? Hawkeye:
It means you attract ants and shrink. My dick has the same power when I stick it in Jello. Wasp:
Speaking of which, why didn't any of you guys respond to me e-vite about my Jello mold potluck?! Everyone hates me! The Falcon: I didn't come because crazy white people put their dicks in Jello around here. Hawkeye:
People might like you more if you didn't have your tongue in NFL SuperPro all day! Wasp:
One time! And you and I weren't even going out yet! God! (off-panel)
: You think you're so great, but you suck! (off-panel)
: No, You
: (beat) ULTRON IS WINNING!
- The Toy Story synopsis in 5 Fan Theories About Cartoons That Will Ruin Your Childhood:
- Felix Clay's comments about Kim Kardashian's arse:
And I'm also just going to toss this out there: that's a pretty awesome ass. Like, I get angry looking at that ass, because Kanye West is clearly a dick face and he gets to draw faces on that ass or put nickels in it for fun or whatever, and I feel left out. I'd do literally everything with Kim Kardashian's ass. And the rest of her. This is becoming way more sexist than I'd planned.
- The 6 most Terrifying Examples of Rule 34. Aside from the possible Nausea Fuel that these entries may provide, most of the naughty bits are covered up by Soren Bowie's face—that is, the image from his headshot (see above) whith the eye-fuck look he gives the camera.
- 5 Disasters Caused by Homosexual Superpowers is just dripping with so much sarcasm it's amazing.
- Five Ways Mankind would Screw Up Lightsabers for Everyone. Forcing Reality Ensues on the world's most beloved form of Laser Blade:
"The thin concrete and wooden walls that keep thieves away from us and our cool things obviously won't slow down lightsabers very much at all. This will of course be a problem as soon as lightsabers arrive in our world, but once the wave of displaced workers arrives, it will get a lot worse — just hordes upon hordes of unemployed lumberjacks roaming the suburbs, looking for easy money. There honestly wouldn't be much point in locking your door at night once this happens, so likely is the chance of a burglar-shaped hole appearing in the wall beside it." (Image of a wall with a large elliptical hole in it) Caption
: What's this shit? An irregular oval? Care a little, man!
- The Most Baffling Subtitles in Action Movie History. Somewhere in the murky depths of the Internet, Brockway has dug up an obscure Indonesian action flick subbed into... well, several commenters insist it's English by way of Serbo-Croat, but that doesn't really explain why one character's name is now "Besni F***ing Dog Enthusiast". Or a whole lot of other things, actually.
- Five Children's Games No Child Should Play. Especially "Spank Dora Butt".
- Sometime in August 2015 Cracked columnist Mark Hill was sent an email by a low-quality, misogynistic "men's" website called Wingman Magazine, offering him $100 to plug their website in one of his articles. Mark's response? Writing the article 6 Horseshit Things The Site That Tried To Bribe Me Does, which in true Literal Genie fashion plugged the website 24 times... amidst some of the greatest written smackdowns in Cracked history. A personal favorite:
(in response to some of the website's terrible pickup lines) Jesus, you call those jokes? Now I know what it looks like when a clown has an abortion.
- The 10 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Toys Exported by China ruthlessly mocks the Good Bad Translations on these very bizarre products.
- 35 Famous Movie Scenes Improved With Lines From Other Films gives us "Well that's, like, your opinion, man" said by Private "Pyle" to Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann and The Iron Giant's final moments improved with "WITNESS ME!"
- 7 Famous Movie Roles (With Insane Secret Backstories) runs the gamut of emotions throughout, such as Robert Patrick's method of studying natural predators and the hunting native Americans for his roll as the T1000, to Nathan Lane's minor character's Lifetime Original Movie-esque backstory in The Good Wife (that's all in his head), but the Mood Whiplash in the #1 entry involves the campy 60s Batman series.
The Batman TV show starring Adam West was more of a cartoon than Batman: The Animated Series
. Every extra ounce of grittiness that Christian Bale put into his role nearly 50 years later
was inversely proportional to the amount of silliness that Adam West put into his own. Which is why it's shocking to learn that West came up with his own terrifying backstory for the Joker. (YouTube embed of Batman and the Joker going goddamn surfing) Caption
: Again, for this show.
- "The Best Order to Watch the Star Wars Movies", which sees Luis Prada attempt to come up with his own method which would be better than the "Machete Order"note . Special mention goes to #2: "Attack of the Clones Six Times".
I'm getting desperate here.
- If Time Machines Were Built by Real Men. Seanbaby marks his return by showing us the world of Rip Hunter... TIME MASTER. In an effort to avert a Lame Comeback to George Washington, Rip repeatedly goes back to avert his mistakes...and ends up breaking time and reality as we know it.
- 5 Signs the TV Show You're Watching Is About to Suck, when discussing Supernatural:
This fall, it will move on to its 12th season, and so far it's been five seasons of actual stuff and six seasons of producers hoping that the two leads don't audition for a Marvel movie.
- Seanbaby transcribes $#*! My Dad Says for the deaf. It works about as well as you think it would, while also being ten times funnier than the show it's captioning. Take this series of captions, from a scene in which a man is getting operated on by William Shatner:
Yeah...I stuck my ass against the bars of a wolverine cage. (Audience laughs)
Male 2: note Wait if you're here who is advising the president. (Audience can't believe how fucking funny that is)
- More Seanbaby! His multi- part series of articles brutally dissecting glurgey self-help guides in general and in particular the 'romantic' works of Gregory J.P. Godek (or as Seanbaby likes to refer to him, G.O.D.E.K: G.enetic O.rganism D.esigned for E.rection K.illing), must rank among the most creatively hilarious examples of insult comedy ever. One particularly great bit is in response to Godek's proposed fake letter to the Ford Motor Company:
We at the Ford Motor Company respectfully submit that any beast that lays with you deserves as much discomfort as our aerodynamic design
can provide. Since this letter arrived, our female employees have become sterile. You are the reason STDs want us dead.
In regards to "the elaborate costumery" of your day, we at the Ford Motor Company can only conclude that you write like several dicks
jumped out of your mouth to perform rhythmic gymnastics on the keyboard. We are going to remove 37 safety features from each of our
automobiles in an admittedly desperate but sincere attempt at killing you.
May you scream forever in a Hell of Scorpions,
Ford Motor Company
- The 5 goofiest pranks ever pulled in the middle of wars. Special mention goes to the invisible motorcycle! And before that, the man who taught a toilet how to fly!
- 7 Deadly Things You Won't Believe Most People Survive tells us about how the human body is seemingly Made of Iron, and the circumstances of surviving things like gunshots, stabbings, even plane crashes. In the middle of the stabbings (in this case, to the heart) entry, is a picture of two men in suits, one stabbing the other with a short sword...
- Not a single comic panel in this article has been modified.
- 10 Insane Old Websites Nobody Ever Thought To Delete.
- Being an Adult Isn't What You Thought It Would Be is pretty morose due to the heavy-handed dose of Reality Ensues because Growing Up Sucks, but there's one entry that's hilariously bleak...
#10: I can't wait to make a living playing music!" ... "How did an empty bar manage to yell 'FREEBIRD!' at me?!"
(It's highly recommended that you also read the comments on the articles, sorting by "votes" rather than the default "recent".
They got a goldmine of humor down there.)
- One from the comments section: Comments for Cracked articles are often plagued with spambot ads for dating companies; they have weird spacing to get past the filters... But in the comments for "The Five Stupidest Excuses Ever Given In Political Scandals", which mentions the Rentboy.com dating service, there's a fake ad by commenter Darkstrolm which is a perfect parody.
It’s_the_most_effective_site_in_the_world_to_find_help_with_carrying_luggage,_no_ bag_is_too big,_young_able_men_willing_to_carry_your_load,_we_put_the_ass_in_assistants, perfectly——built——8-inch——cock (uncut), No_anti-gay_lobbyist_or_NARTH_members_
- This comment from "The Spambot Who Seduced Me: A True Story of Forbidden Love" by SuperSloth, especially this bit
I, too, met a wonderful woman, a Nigerian beauty, for whom I desperately tried to fund an egress to these United States. You see, she was royalty by Nigerian crown, and required merely my bank information to facilitate her transportation in dire straits. She never spoke with me again- and I'm quite sure she was a victim of some political assassination- but every time another 5,000 dollars is extracted from my savings account by an unknown benefactor... I always dream it is her.
- The article "Five Prejudices That Video Games Can't Seem To Get Over" has proven unpopular, due mostly to the author over-analyzing everything and making factual errors. This prompted a hilarious response in the comments:
ClaireQuilty: J F Sargent reviews chess: A hideous celebration of race war with blacks and whites seen as forever in a state of conflict (with the tacit but obvious assumption that it is the whites who are attempting to capture and enslave the blacks). The game also reflects a terrible patriarchy in which the "queen" is nothing more than a symbol for the role of women: doomed to forever search for positions that please the dominant male figure, the king, whose lack of movement reveals his ultimate power.
- Whenever Robert Evans interviews a drug dealer/manufacturer/etc., there's at least a couple of comments about potential titles to the next article about immoral criminals. This is probably the funniest example:
- From the comment section of 5 Writing Tips for the People Who Send Me Death Threats
car2n: You think those are threats, Soren? You don't know the definition of "threat", buddy. I will SHOW you what threat MEANS!!!!!!
threat noun ˈthret
1: an expression of intention to inflict evil, injury, or damage
2: one that threatens
3: an indication of something impending ("the sky held a threat of rain")
don't you forget it, buddy.
- This comment on this article on Asexuality:
- 5 Powerful Organizations That Started For Stupid Reasons points out how the KKK's hierarchical titles look like they were cribbed from Dungeons & Dragons (Grand Wizard, Scribes, Goblins, etc). theresabug takes this and runs with it:
"You are traveling on a path alongside a cliff face. You spot an opening in the cliff. The cave is dark, but strangely beckoning."
"I search the cave."
"You light a torch, illuminating the cave, whereupon you discover..."
* everyone at the table leans in*
"What?! Again?! Every time I search anything it's ALWAYS the negro scourge!"
"It's not ALWAYS the negro scourge."
"Almost always. Search a cave, negro scourge. Open a treasure chest, negro scourge. Remember that time I found a bottle? What was in it?"
"What was in the bottle?"
"... the ne-"
"THE NEGRO SCOURGE! How the hell is he even supposed to FIT in a bottle?! Just once I want to find an antebellum belle, or some Yankee gold. This is bullshit Cletus!"
"Hey! You will use my Klan name at this table!"
"This is bullshit, Clairvoyant Goblin."
- Hidden in the comments section for the article featuring "Shooby" Taylor is an exchange that'd make Statler & Waldorf proud:
Commenter #1: Shooby's the man! He lived the dream.
Commenter #2: Unfortunately, it was that dream where you wind up going to school with no pants on.
- "The 6 Most Eerily Convincing Ghost Videos on Youtube" is an article full of freaky videos, especially the last one, which shows a demon composed of human hands. However, this comment serves as an extremely effective and hilarious form of Nightmare Retardant:
Trying to get to sleep after watching that last video? Just imagine all those hands covered in novelty foam fingers. You're welcome for that image.
- 6 True Stories From History Creepier Than Any Horror Movie includes Roman serial killer(-slash-sometime Imperial advisor) Locusta, who was "supposedly publicly raped to death by a wild animal [some sources say a giraffe]." Commenter The Townshend proceeds to envision the run-up to that decision:
"Alright, Locusta, you've been found guilty. Let's look up what the punishment is for serial killing by poisoning. Uh, here it is: 'Death by Girappe'? That's not a word."
[Other judge]: "How's it spelled?"
"I think it's a typo, like some idiot added a bunch of letters to 'rape.'"
"Hang on, maybe it's 'Giraffe,' but they turned the f's into p's."
"Well what the hell is death by Giraffe? They won't eat her. Do we have to have her trampled by giraffes? Because I don't think we have enough giraffes for that."
"Maybe you were right about it being rape. Or grape?"
"Or… what if it's both?"
"Rape and Grape?"
"No, Rape and Giraffe? I mean if you had to come up with one word that combined 'rape' and 'giraffe' wouldn't it be 'Girappe?'"
"I guess. So we have her raped… by a giraffe?"
"That's my best guess. But how do we get that done? We don't have any giraffes trained to rape murderers to death!"
"You may be in luck, I think I know a guy."
"I just gotta know, will he have a giraffe already?"
"Probably not, we're gonna have to let him borrow one from a zoo or something."
"Okay, so he'll make it so the giraffe can––"
"So should it go down in public or…?"
- Lord-z's comment on 6 Famous Films (You Had No Idea Were Hell Behind The Scenes) describing the relationship between Mad Artists Werner Herzog and Klaus Kinski is one of the most beautifully crafted comments ever written:
- This response to The 5 Most Insulting Defenses of Nerd Racism:
"All I have to say is that, as a black man, I have no desire to watch a movie
about a black guy who's always on fire."
- From 4 Great Questions Raised By Movies Too Dumb To Answer Them, courtesy of Tugaguyd and MaoTseFunk:
Villain: "You're not brave enough to do what's necessary!"
Nick Fury: "No. I'm brave enough not to do it."
Villain: "...you're brave enough not to do 'what's necessary'?... That doesn't make much sense, man."
Darth Vader: "That's what I've been trying to get at, man! *exhale*"
- From 6 Disasters With Details So Awful, History Left Them Out:
Sickbastard: Geezus! All week on Cracked it's been Rape, murder, North Korea, assholes, and historical tragedies. I need a drink and some puppies!
Archaeology Dalek: We've also got an article about Kanye West tomorrow.
Sickbastard: Oh God, the fucking cherry on top!
- From The 6 Most Hilarious Failures in Music Censorship History, this was in response to the line "They are just as likely to be reminded of the horrors of war by an ad for arthritis cream":
It was 0700 hours on some god forsaken island in the Pacific. Nearly my whole platoon was wiped out and those of us left were bloody and
beaten. Johnny, the damn fool hero, grabbed for his gun and started a charge. But when he went to aim and shoot he locked up.
"My hand!" he shouted. "My arthritis is acting up! Why didn't I pack some Ben-Gay!?"
The image of him dying will haunt me forever[,] but I couldn't help but snicker at "Ben-Gay."
- Daru's response to the article 5 Reasons Final Fantasy Failed Worse Than Any Franchise Ever: