History Funny / Cracked

29th Jul '16 4:59:53 PM BugsFan17
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-->It was 0700 hours on some god forsaken island in the Pacific. Nearly my whole platoon was wiped out and those of us left were bloody and -->beaten. Johnny, the damn fool hero, grabbed for his gun and started a charge. But when he went to aim and shoot he locked up.

to:

-->It was 0700 hours on some god forsaken island in the Pacific. Nearly my whole platoon was wiped out and those of us left were bloody and and
-->beaten. Johnny, the damn fool hero, grabbed for his gun and started a charge. But when he went to aim and shoot he locked up.
29th Jul '16 4:58:43 PM BugsFan17
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-->'''Sickbastard''': Oh God, the fucking cherry on top!

to:

-->'''Sickbastard''': Oh God, the fucking cherry on top!top!
* From [[http://www.cracked.com/article_20209_the-6-most-hilarious-failures-in-music-censorship-history_p2.html?wa_user1=5&wa_user2=Music&wa_user3=article&wa_user4=recommended The 6 Most Hilarious Failures in Music Censorship History]], this was in response to the line "They are just as likely to be reminded of the horrors of war by an ad for arthritis cream":
-->It was 0700 hours on some god forsaken island in the Pacific. Nearly my whole platoon was wiped out and those of us left were bloody and -->beaten. Johnny, the damn fool hero, grabbed for his gun and started a charge. But when he went to aim and shoot he locked up.

-->"My hand!" he shouted. "My arthritis is acting up! Why didn't I pack some Bengay!?"

-->The image of him dying will haunt me forever[,] but I couldn't help but snicker at "Bengay."
24th Jul '16 5:02:59 PM BugsFan17
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->Dear Mr. Godek,

->We at the Ford Motor Company respectfully submit that any beast that lays with you deserves as much discomfort as our aerodynamic design
->can provide. Since this letter arrived, our female employees have become sterile. You are the reason STDs want us dead.

->In regards to "the elaborate costumery" of your day, we at the Ford Motor Company can only conclude that you write like several dicks
->jumped out of your mouth to perform rhythmic gymnastics on the keyboard. We are going to remove 37 safety features from each of our
->automobiles in an admittedly desperate but sincere attempt at killing you.

->May you scream forever in a Hell of Scorpions,

->Ford Motor Company

to:

->Dear -->Dear Mr. Godek,

->We -->We at the Ford Motor Company respectfully submit that any beast that lays with you deserves as much discomfort as our aerodynamic design
->can -->can provide. Since this letter arrived, our female employees have become sterile. You are the reason STDs [=STDs=] want us dead.

->In -->In regards to "the elaborate costumery" of your day, we at the Ford Motor Company can only conclude that you write like several dicks
->jumped -->jumped out of your mouth to perform rhythmic gymnastics on the keyboard. We are going to remove 37 safety features from each of our
->automobiles -->automobiles in an admittedly desperate but sincere attempt at killing you.

->May -->May you scream forever in a Hell of Scorpions,

->Ford -->Ford Motor Company
24th Jul '16 5:01:40 PM BugsFan17
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to:

* More Seanbaby! His series of articles on Gregory J.P. Godek, author of some of the most incomprehensible books ever on how to be "romantic," are among his funniest works. One particularly great bit is in response to Godek's fake letter to the Ford Motor Company:
->Dear Mr. Godek,

->We at the Ford Motor Company respectfully submit that any beast that lays with you deserves as much discomfort as our aerodynamic design
->can provide. Since this letter arrived, our female employees have become sterile. You are the reason STDs want us dead.

->In regards to "the elaborate costumery" of your day, we at the Ford Motor Company can only conclude that you write like several dicks
->jumped out of your mouth to perform rhythmic gymnastics on the keyboard. We are going to remove 37 safety features from each of our
->automobiles in an admittedly desperate but sincere attempt at killing you.

->May you scream forever in a Hell of Scorpions,

->Ford Motor Company
22nd Jul '16 8:25:01 PM BugsFan17
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* Seanbaby transcribes ''Series/ShitMyDadSays'' for the deaf. [[HijinksEnsue It works about as well as you think it would]], while also being ten times funnier than the show it's captioning. Take this series of captions, from a scene in which a man is getting operated on by Creator/WilliamShatner:
-->'''Male 1:''' Yeah...I stuck my ass against the bars of a wolverine cage. ''([[LaughTrack Audience laughs)''

to:

* Seanbaby transcribes [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-worst-comedy-tv-explained-to-deaf-people/#ixzz33GTzYkoH transcribes]] ''Series/ShitMyDadSays'' for the deaf. [[HijinksEnsue It works about as well as you think it would]], while also being ten times funnier than the show it's captioning. Take this series of captions, from a scene in which a man is getting operated on by Creator/WilliamShatner:
-->'''Male 1:''' Yeah...I stuck my ass against the bars of a wolverine cage. ''([[LaughTrack Audience laughs)''laughs]])''



-->'''[[LemmonyNarrator Seanbaby]]:''' Wow, I thought they weren't trying before. [[BlackComedy I've seen better comedy from real doctors when they explain the abortion options to a]] Creator/DaneCook [[BlackComedy groupie.]] Looks like the writers typed "INT. DAY: A DUDE'S BUTTHOLE" and figured they were done working for the week...[[NotSoDifferent I guess I can respect that.]] At least when [[ItMakesSenseInContext William Shatner spends an entire scene with his hand up an Aryan]] they keep the racist jokes to a minimum. While I'm on the subject, deaf people, [[CrossesTheLineTwice I've always wondered if there are racial slurs in sign language.]] [[RefugeInAudacity Like if you're signing "Filipino," is there a mean way to hold your nose?]] And when deaf people start to get crazy in bed, do they have a safe gesture? [[NoodleIncident Because that would explain why deaf girls]] [[SelfDeprecation always call me for traveling]] [[CasanovaWannabe when shit gets weird.]]

to:

-->'''[[LemmonyNarrator -->'''[[LemonyNarrator Seanbaby]]:''' Wow, [[FromBadToWorse I thought they they]] [[TheyJustDidntCare weren't trying before. before.]] [[BlackComedy I've seen better comedy from real doctors when they explain the abortion options to a]] Creator/DaneCook [[BlackComedy groupie.]] Looks like the writers typed "INT. DAY: A DUDE'S BUTTHOLE" and figured they were done working for the week...[[NotSoDifferent I guess I can respect that.]] At least when [[ItMakesSenseInContext William Shatner spends an entire scene with his hand up an Aryan]] they keep the racist jokes to a minimum. While I'm on the subject, deaf people, [[CrossesTheLineTwice I've always wondered if there are racial slurs in sign language.]] [[RefugeInAudacity Like if you're signing "Filipino," is there a mean way to hold your nose?]] And when deaf people start to get crazy in bed, do they have a safe gesture? [[NoodleIncident Because that would explain why deaf girls]] [[SelfDeprecation always call me for traveling]] [[CasanovaWannabe when shit gets weird.]]
22nd Jul '16 8:21:31 PM BugsFan17
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to:

* Seanbaby transcribes ''Series/ShitMyDadSays'' for the deaf. [[HijinksEnsue It works about as well as you think it would]], while also being ten times funnier than the show it's captioning. Take this series of captions, from a scene in which a man is getting operated on by Creator/WilliamShatner:
-->'''Male 1:''' Yeah...I stuck my ass against the bars of a wolverine cage. ''([[LaughTrack Audience laughs)''
-->'''Male 2:''' [[note]] William Shatner's character [[/note]] Wait if you're here who is advising the president. ''(Audience can't believe how fucking funny that is)''
-->'''[[LemmonyNarrator Seanbaby]]:''' Wow, I thought they weren't trying before. [[BlackComedy I've seen better comedy from real doctors when they explain the abortion options to a]] Creator/DaneCook [[BlackComedy groupie.]] Looks like the writers typed "INT. DAY: A DUDE'S BUTTHOLE" and figured they were done working for the week...[[NotSoDifferent I guess I can respect that.]] At least when [[ItMakesSenseInContext William Shatner spends an entire scene with his hand up an Aryan]] they keep the racist jokes to a minimum. While I'm on the subject, deaf people, [[CrossesTheLineTwice I've always wondered if there are racial slurs in sign language.]] [[RefugeInAudacity Like if you're signing "Filipino," is there a mean way to hold your nose?]] And when deaf people start to get crazy in bed, do they have a safe gesture? [[NoodleIncident Because that would explain why deaf girls]] [[SelfDeprecation always call me for traveling]] [[CasanovaWannabe when shit gets weird.]]
1st Jul '16 8:18:45 AM wuggles
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to:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-events-that-spell-doom-popular-tv-shows_p2/ 5 Signs the TV Show You're Watching Is About to Suck]], when discussing ''Series/{{Supernatural}}'':
-->This fall, it will move on to its 12th season, and so far it's been five seasons of actual stuff and six seasons of producers hoping that the two leads don't audition for a Marvel movie.
18th Jun '16 12:04:05 AM Zadia
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-->'''Nick Fury:''' "[[ShutUpHannibal You sit your black ass down]] [[ActorAllusion Mufasa,]] I don't recall asking for your opinion!"

to:

-->'''Nick Fury:''' "[[ShutUpHannibal You sit your black ass down]] [[ActorAllusion Mufasa,]] I don't recall asking for your opinion!"opinion!"
* From [[http://www.cracked.com/article_24146_6-disasters-with-details-so-awful-history-left-them-out_p2.html 6 Disasters With Details So Awful, History Left Them Out]]:
-->'''Sickbastard''': Geezus! All week on Cracked it's been Rape, murder, North Korea, assholes, and historical tragedies. I need a drink and some puppies!
-->'''Archaeology Dalek''': We've also got an article about Kanye West tomorrow.
-->'''Sickbastard''': Oh God, the fucking cherry on top!
27th Apr '16 12:56:36 AM erforce
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_1708_35-famous-lines-that-fit-perfectly-in-other-movies 35 Famous Movie Scenes Improved With Lines From Other Films]] gives us "[[Film/TheBigLebowski Well that's, like,]] your ''opinion'', man" said by [[spoiler:[[FullMetalJacket Private "Pyle" to Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann]]]] and [[spoiler:Film/TheIronGiant's]] final moments improved with '''[[Film/MadMaxFuryRoad "WITNESS ME!"]]'''

to:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_1708_35-famous-lines-that-fit-perfectly-in-other-movies 35 Famous Movie Scenes Improved With Lines From Other Films]] gives us "[[Film/TheBigLebowski Well that's, like,]] your ''opinion'', man" said by [[spoiler:[[FullMetalJacket [[spoiler:[[Film/FullMetalJacket Private "Pyle" to Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann]]]] and [[spoiler:Film/TheIronGiant's]] final moments improved with '''[[Film/MadMaxFuryRoad "WITNESS ME!"]]'''
24th Apr '16 7:48:24 AM DoctorSleep
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--> "All I have to say is that, as a black man, I have no desire to watch [[Film/FantasticFour2015 a movie]] about a black guy who's always on fire."

to:

--> "All I have to say is that, as a black man, I have no desire to watch [[Film/FantasticFour2015 a movie]] about a black guy who's always on fire.""
* From [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-tough-questions-movies-didnt-have-balls-to-answer/ 4 Great Questions Raised By Movies Too Dumb To Answer Them]], courtesy of Tugaguyd and [=MaoTseFunk=]:
-->'''Villain:''' "You're not brave enough to do what's necessary!"
-->'''Nick Fury:''' "No. I'm brave enough not to do it."

-->'''Villain:''' "...you're brave enough not to do 'what's necessary'?... That doesn't make much sense man'"
-->'''Nick Fury:''' "You...I....Just stop with your space-nazi crap. [[InsaneTrollLogic You know what profound s**t I'm getting at here]]"
-->'''Villain:''' "I don't know, in a way [[StrawmanHasAPoint the monopoly of violence is an essential element to state-craft.]] This is merely an advanced form of it. Your notion of freedom from tyranny paradoxically requires a universal suppression of freedom by a centralized authority"
-->'''Darth Vader:''' "That's what I've been trying to get at, man! *exhale*"
-->'''Nick Fury:''' "[[ShutUpHannibal You sit your black ass down]] [[ActorAllusion Mufasa,]] I don't recall asking for your opinion!"
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