History Funny / Cracked

21st Jul '17 11:26:36 AM Psyclone
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'''Seanbaby''': It's good to know that after the Earth collides into cosmic facial hair, it will only take two professional super heroes and a computer several minutes to figure out what's going on. Apache Chief and Superman are looking right at a picture of Earth in a beard and they're still puzzling their way through it.\\
'''Apache Chief''': Superman. [[FridgeHorror Earth's buildings are being demolished by pubic lice]]. There are trace amounts of soup in the atmosphere. My people do not grow hair of the facials, yet my Indian senses are warning me... this! May be a '''beard'''!"

to:

'''Seanbaby''': It's good to know that after the Earth collides into cosmic facial hair, it will only take two professional super heroes and a computer several minutes to figure out what's going on. Apache Chief and Superman are looking right at a picture of Earth in a beard and they're still puzzling their way through it.\\
'''Apache Chief''': Superman.
it.. "Superman. [[FridgeHorror Earth's buildings are being demolished by pubic lice]]. There are trace amounts of soup in the atmosphere. My people do not grow hair of the facials, yet my Indian senses are warning me... this! May be a '''beard'''!"
21st Jul '17 11:26:05 AM Psyclone
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'''Apache Chief''': '''[[CrazyAwesome INDIAN WRESTLING IN OUTER SPACE]]!!!'''\\

to:

'''Apache Chief''': '''[[CrazyAwesome INDIAN WRESTLING IN OUTER SPACE]]!!!'''\\SPACE]]!!!'''
**** And once again, the actual quote:
----->'''Superman''': [[CaptainObvious Our computers show that this is a giant strand of hair!]]\\
'''Apache Chief''': And that's what's blocking the sun's rays?\\
14th Jul '17 8:00:34 PM nombretomado
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-amazing-video-game-moments-that-happened-by-accident/ Eight videogame moments that happened completely by accident]] holds quite a few comedic gems, both in the article itself and in the commenters' own gaming stories. Highlights of the latter include [[WWESmackdown the incredible Hulk Hogan]], [[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsIVOblivion the conga line of doom]] and [[VideoGame/WorldOfWarcraft the kidnapping orc biker]].

to:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-amazing-video-game-moments-that-happened-by-accident/ Eight videogame moments that happened completely by accident]] holds quite a few comedic gems, both in the article itself and in the commenters' own gaming stories. Highlights of the latter include [[WWESmackdown [[Wrestling/WWESmackDown the incredible Hulk Hogan]], [[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsIVOblivion the conga line of doom]] and [[VideoGame/WorldOfWarcraft the kidnapping orc biker]].
7th Jul '17 3:20:36 PM AriRockefeller
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to:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/pictofacts-732-26-ways-being-adult-isnt-what-you-thought-it-would-be/ Being an Adult Isn't What You Thought It Would Be]] is pretty morose due to the heavy-handed dose of RealityEnsues because GrowingUpSucks, but there's one entry that's hilariously [[BlackComedy bleak]]...
-->'''#10''': I can't wait to make a living playing music!" ... "How did ''an empty bar'' manage to yell 'FREEBIRD!' at me?!"
28th May '17 6:36:38 PM MistrDragn
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Added DiffLines:

** His Steath Advertisement article for his book, ''Severence'' [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-books-that-dont-deserve-amount-hate-they-get/ "5 Books That Don't Deserve The Amount Of Hate They Get"]], especially the fake Amazon reviews from users such as 'Chris Borchles'
-->"[[Literature/LordOfTheFlies This book]] is great if you're some kind of sicko interested in boys wearing very few clothes, but its not very much fun for normal people. You're far less likely to be arrested reading Chris Bucholz's new novel Severence. Which depicts nudity gracefully, in its strongest, most natural form. Twelve Stars."
28th May '17 6:20:27 PM MistrDragn
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--> ''"Turning a former bully into a friend, and then turning that friend into a club is perhaps the most common fantasy of all. There are a few variants to this fantasy, although the most typical involves you now as the pilot of a large, multi-horse, Voltron-type creature. Obviously."''\\

to:

--> ''"Turning "Turning a former bully into a friend, and then turning that friend into a club is perhaps the most common fantasy of all. There are a few variants to this fantasy, although the most typical involves you now as the pilot of a large, multi-horse, Voltron-type creature. Obviously."''\\
"



** Many of his most [[CrossingTheLineTwice demented]] articles are also his most hilarious. [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-win-fight-against-twenty-children/ "How To Win A Fight Against 20 Children"]], [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-to-attack-children-with-stick/ "5 Ways To Attack Children With A Stick"]] and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-tips-properly-attacking-animals-with-bicycle-chain/ "4 Tips For Properly Attacking Animals With A Bicycle Chain]] come most immediately to mind, [[RefugeInAudacity especially]] the latter two:

to:

** Many of his most [[CrossingTheLineTwice demented]] articles are also his most hilarious. [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-win-fight-against-twenty-children/ "How To Win A Fight Against 20 Children"]], [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-to-attack-children-with-stick/ "5 Ways To Attack Children With A Stick"]] and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-tips-properly-attacking-animals-with-bicycle-chain/ "4 Tips For Properly Attacking Animals animals With A Bicycle Chain]] come most immediately to mind, [[RefugeInAudacity especially]] the latter two:
two:




--> "Before we begin, it's important to pin down your motivation for attacking an animal with a bicycle chain. There are two primary reasons why you might want to do this.
-->1. You have a massive chemical imbalance in your brain
-->2. Other."\\

to:

\n--> "Before we begin, it's important to pin down your motivation for attacking an animal with a bicycle chain. There are two primary reasons why you might want to do this. \n-->1. \\
1.
You have a massive chemical imbalance in your brain
-->2.
brain\\
2.
Other."\\
"



** [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/14-simple-things-you-can-do-now-to-change-world/ 14 Things Even An Idiot Like You Can Do To Save The World]]. After a series of articles that readers complained were too preachy, Chris Bucholz swoops in and satirises his colleagues' self-righteousness by providing advice that gets more psychotic the further you read. What started out with [[CaptainObvious ''#14. Be Nice To People'']] ended with [[ComicallyMissingthePoint ''#1. Go To The Bathroom In Your Yard, Then Throw It Into Your Neighbors' Yards'']].


Added DiffLines:

** [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/14-simple-things-you-can-do-now-to-change-world/ 14 Things Even An Idiot Like You Can Do To Save The World]]. After a series of articles that readers complained were too preachy, Chris Bucholz swoops in and satirises his colleagues' self-righteousness by providing advice that gets more psychotic the further you read. What started out with [[CaptainObvious ''#14. Be Nice To People'']] ended with [[ComicallyMissingthePoint ''#1. Go To The Bathroom In Your Yard, Then Throw It Into Your Neighbors' Yards'']].
28th May '17 6:13:14 PM MistrDragn
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* Type "So You" into the search bar, make sure you're not in an environment in which uncontrollable laughter would be inappropriate, and enjoy Chris Bucholz's long-running series of frickle-fracking ''epic'' advice hotline parodies that run on 100% pure InsaneTrollLogic played absolutely straight. (Sample dilemmas: [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/so-your-clone-trying-to-murder-you/ "So Your Clone is Trying to Murder You"]] [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/so-youve-swapped-bodies-with-your-mortal-enemy/ "So You've Swapped Bodies With Your Mortal Enemy"]] [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/so-youve-got-gerbil-stuck-in-your-ass/ "So You've Got a Gerbil Stuck in Your Ass"]] and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/so-primitive-tribe-thinks-youre-god/ "So a Primitive Tribe Thinks You're a God"]].) Despite routinely and inexplicably flying well under the radar for all except a handful of regular readers, they're among the best pieces on the site. Probably the closest thing Cracked has to cult classics.
* Chris Bucholz attempts to apologise to his local [=McDonald's=] for his reaction (ultimately involving an attempt to establish his own rebel nation and a ''lot'' of industrial lube) to their attempt to evict him from the kiddy ballpit in [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/greatest-customer-feedback-ever-sent-to-mcdonalds/ "Greatest Customer Feedback Ever Sent to a McDonald's"]] This, immediately post-lube deployment, is probably the best part:

to:

* Chris Bucholz is notable for being one of the few staff writers that still contributes comedy, has always contributed comedy and, in complete defiance of the website's shift in style, he continues to write hilariously absurd articles. Quite a large chunk of his work would qualify, though given his massive output, here are some standouts:
** Many of his articles tend to start off in a fairly lucid style, and then go off the rails by the second page. [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/12-things-every-teenage-boy-has-fantasized-about/ "The 12 Most Common Fantasies Teenage Boys Have"]] being particularly hilarious. It begins with fairly normal examples but by the end...
--> ''"Turning a former bully into a friend, and then turning that friend into a club is perhaps the most common fantasy of all. There are a few variants to this fantasy, although the most typical involves you now as the pilot of a large, multi-horse, Voltron-type creature. Obviously."''\\

** [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-night-owls-understand-that-morning-people-never-can/ "Five Things Night Owls Understand That Morning People Never Can]] is similar, starting off with talking about how "Nighttime Is The Best Time To Get Stuff Done" and somehow ending up talking about how night owls "Use [their] secret night strength to hold off wrath lords"
** Many of his most [[CrossingTheLineTwice demented]] articles are also his most hilarious. [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-win-fight-against-twenty-children/ "How To Win A Fight Against 20 Children"]], [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-to-attack-children-with-stick/ "5 Ways To Attack Children With A Stick"]] and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-tips-properly-attacking-animals-with-bicycle-chain/ "4 Tips For Properly Attacking Animals With A Bicycle Chain]] come most immediately to mind, [[RefugeInAudacity especially]] the latter two:

--> "#5. Psychological Warfare: Eventually it will come to pass that all of your attackers will escape, and you will no longer be able to actively defend yourself. But don't put your stick away yet! Because the government requires that children go to school, you have a very good idea where to find them on the next weekday and will be able to lie there in ambush. The courts call this Terror Stick Stalking Against a Minor, and it's [[BlatantLies your constitutional right]]."\\

--> "Before we begin, it's important to pin down your motivation for attacking an animal with a bicycle chain. There are two primary reasons why you might want to do this.
-->1. You have a massive chemical imbalance in your brain
-->2. Other."\\

**
Type "So You" into the search bar, make sure you're not in an environment in which uncontrollable laughter would be inappropriate, and enjoy Chris Bucholz's long-running series of frickle-fracking ''epic'' advice hotline parodies that run on 100% pure InsaneTrollLogic played absolutely straight. (Sample dilemmas: [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/so-your-clone-trying-to-murder-you/ "So Your Clone is Trying to Murder You"]] [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/so-youve-swapped-bodies-with-your-mortal-enemy/ "So You've Swapped Bodies With Your Mortal Enemy"]] [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/so-youve-got-gerbil-stuck-in-your-ass/ "So You've Got a Gerbil Stuck in Your Ass"]] and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/so-primitive-tribe-thinks-youre-god/ "So a Primitive Tribe Thinks You're a God"]].) Despite routinely and inexplicably flying well under the radar for all except a handful of regular readers, they're among the best pieces on the site. Probably the closest thing Cracked has to cult classics.
* Chris Bucholz ** Any article he writes under the guise of being an apology. Most notably his attempts to apologise to his local [=McDonald's=] for his reaction (ultimately involving an attempt to establish his own rebel nation and a ''lot'' of industrial lube) to their attempt to evict him from the kiddy ballpit in [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/greatest-customer-feedback-ever-sent-to-mcdonalds/ "Greatest Customer Feedback Ever Sent to a McDonald's"]] This, immediately post-lube deployment, is probably the best part:part:
** [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/14-simple-things-you-can-do-now-to-change-world/ 14 Things Even An Idiot Like You Can Do To Save The World]]. After a series of articles that readers complained were too preachy, Chris Bucholz swoops in and satirises his colleagues' self-righteousness by providing advice that gets more psychotic the further you read. What started out with [[CaptainObvious ''#14. Be Nice To People'']] ended with [[ComicallyMissingthePoint ''#1. Go To The Bathroom In Your Yard, Then Throw It Into Your Neighbors' Yards'']].



** [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/theres-bird-in-house21-how-not-to-proceed/ There's a Bird in the House! How Not to Proceed.]] In which Bucholz' wife almost immediately learns to regret sending her husband downstairs to deal with an errant sparrow. By the time he's done, there are ''two'' birds in the house. Plus a cat... which is covered in PAM nonstick spray. Oh, and a badger...



* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/theres-bird-in-house21-how-not-to-proceed/ There's a Bird in the House! How Not to Proceed.]] In which Bucholz' wife almost immediately learns to regret sending her husband downstairs to deal with an errant sparrow. By the time he's done, there are ''two'' birds in the house. Plus a cat... which is covered in PAM nonstick spray. Oh, and a badger...

to:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/theres-bird-in-house21-how-not-to-proceed/ There's a Bird in the House! How Not to Proceed.]] In which Bucholz' wife almost immediately learns to regret sending her husband downstairs to deal with an errant sparrow. By the time he's done, there are ''two'' birds in the house. Plus a cat... which is covered in PAM nonstick spray. Oh, and a badger...



* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/14-simple-things-you-can-do-now-to-change-world/ 14 Things Even An Idiot Like You Can Do To Save The World]]. After a series of articles that readers complained were too preachy, Chris Bucholz swoops in and satirises his colleagues' self-righteousness by providing advice that gets more psychotic the further you read. What started out with [[CaptainObvious ''#14. Be Nice To People'']] ended with [[ComicallyMissingthePoint ''#1. Go To The Bathroom In Your Yard, Then Throw It Into Your Neighbors' Yards'']].

to:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/14-simple-things-you-can-do-now-to-change-world/ 14 Things Even An Idiot Like You Can Do To Save The World]]. After a series of articles that readers complained were too preachy, Chris Bucholz swoops in and satirises his colleagues' self-righteousness by providing advice that gets more psychotic the further you read. What started out with [[CaptainObvious ''#14. Be Nice To People'']] ended with [[ComicallyMissingthePoint ''#1. Go To The Bathroom In Your Yard, Then Throw It Into Your Neighbors' Yards'']].
28th May '17 10:55:16 AM Spinosegnosaurus77
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to:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_24715_10-hilarious-ancient-websites-that-are-inexplicably-still-up.html 10 Insane Old Websites Nobody Ever Thought To Delete]].
22nd May '17 6:09:04 PM nombretomado
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_143_if-every-website-got-dramatic-movie-adaptation_p2 Cracked's list of posters for possible movies based on websites.]] [[spoiler: [[TVTropes Guess which site was #1.]]]]

to:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_143_if-every-website-got-dramatic-movie-adaptation_p2 Cracked's list of posters for possible movies based on websites.]] [[spoiler: [[TVTropes [[Wiki/TVTropes Guess which site was #1.]]]]
4th May '17 12:51:19 PM YonTroper
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-->The image of him dying will haunt me forever[,] but I couldn't help but snicker at "Ben-Gay."

to:

-->The image of him dying will haunt me forever[,] but I couldn't help but snicker at "Ben-Gay.""
* Daru's response to the article [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-disappointing-reasons-final-fantasy-losing-all-its-fans/ 5 Reasons Final Fantasy Failed Worse Than Any Franchise Ever]]:
-->"[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Old man yells at]] [[VideoGame/FinalFantasyVII Cloud]]"
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