- David Wong gets one for 5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy (But Won't), what are those five things? Wealth, Beauty, Genius, Fame, and Power. The best Take That!, ever.
- Let us not also forget Wong's 7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable. Most of his stuff qualifies, actually, but those two stand out above all the rest.
- They both end with a reassuring message. The first one tells you what will make you happy (friendship, altruism, and religious practices), and the second tells you how to not be miserable, so they do both end on a high note.
- What about The Monkeysphere? One of the few articles that doesn't rely on list-based humor (which is awesome but we all need changes), and uses one of the greatest metaphors ever.
- The guide to how same-sex marriage in the United States will affect people with almost every heading starting with "If You Are A Heterosexual..." ending with "This will not affect you in any way."
- Six Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person will probably make almost everyone reading it feel like a total loser, and probably a little depressed, but that's the point. The message; you can't expect any respect from anyone else, or yourself, if you don't ever do anything for anyone else.
- In one of the Photoshop contests, "If every website got a movie" TV Tropes triumph at #1.
- Seanbaby's fourth of July celebrations.
- Doubling as a Funny Moment, The Ultimate War Simulation, depicting what an actually realistic war simulation would be like.
- John Cheese dropping hard the lesson that going to therapy isn't bad and feeling depressed doesn't make you a freak.
- Not to mention the conclusion of his article "Five Changing Perspectives That Show You've Become an Adult", where he talks about the many letters that he's gotten from teenage fans who've admitted to contemplating suicide. As he writes, learning how to take responsibility for your own mental health is one of the most important parts of growing up.
"I fully realize that plenty of adults go through this — it's not a teenagers-only deal. The difference between an adult and a child in these situations is that a kid is used to being taken care of. If your parents notice you acting weird, they can step in and get you the help you need. But when you're an adult, all of that is on your shoulders, which means you have to recognize that the situation isn't normal, and you have to get up and pursue a cure yourself. Because adults get shit fixed, including themselves. An adult lives, goddamnit."
- Number one in this would give Rasputin a run for his money in the impossible to kill department.
- Luke McKinney's article How Archie's Gay friend Proved The Internet Can Do Good. It is a two-page Take That! at the American Family Association and One Million Moms. It is awesome:
"When Archie is too progressive for you, that's how science identifies you as an earlier species. All those people asking questions about your protest aren't reporters, they're anthropologists trying to work out why you didn't die off before we became Homo sapiens. And if they said so you'd be more upset about the "Homo" part. Instead of evolving from monkeys like the rest of us, your only improvement is flinging shit metaphorically instead of physically. And since several species of monkey enjoy homosexuality and don't say anything, they're two steps ahead of the American Family Association".
- Robert Brockway's Why Ebert Is Wrong article. Both for its slap to the 'no game can compare to a masterpiece' argument, as well as his perfect summation of why gamers care that games be considered art:
And he's already answered his own question: "do we as their consumers become more or less complex, thoughtful, insightful, witty, empathetic, intelligent, philosophical (and so on) by experiencing them?" Anybody who's ever felt even an inkling of something like that from a game is going to be understandably "concerned" when you insist that they're lying.
"Because there is nothing on this earth - not overwhelming odds, nor brutal police states, nor fear, nor violence, nor the kind of horrible, devouring apathy that makes things like death squads for children possible - that will ever, from now until the heat death of this whole screwed universe, force this kid to sit down and put his fucking shirt back on."
- Ian Fortey's 6 Websites That Misunderstand Their Audience (Hilariously) list concludes with the number one site being the WBC's infamous homepage. The last three paragraphs explain their modus operandi in the clearest, most level-headed way possible, in particular the last one:
Arrogance is useless in a vacuum. You can't be right if no one is wrong. You can't win if there isn't a loser. And they can say we're all damned together, but they're the ones that knew it first. They don't admit to being winners or right or any of that, but that's so obviously what it's all for. So who is the website for? It's for themselves, and they're just telling themselves the same thing over and over again. No one who goes there is interested in really learning their point of view. It's like a sideshow, you go to stare. So the real audience is just the people writing it, cyber fapping their own bizarro Jesus C.H.U.D.
dongs like OCD hamsters on a wheel of intolerance. So what's the point? Exactly.
- 6 Moments That Make Video Games Worth It, another fantastic defense of videogames with a particularly awesome description of the moment "when you feel truly powerful for the first time" in Half-Life 2:
The oppressor is up there, many floors above you. He thinks he's safe in his tower, his boot on the neck of the peasants, the status quo forever secure. But he is not safe. You are coming for him.
- In the article "5 Popular Jokes That Only Make People Want To Punch You," John Cheese said that trading puns was the lowest form of humor. Trading puns is also a beloved practice in the Cracked comments section, championed by resident Pungeon Master darkstrolm. Darkstrolm's simple reply to this outrageous claim has, at the time of writing, gained 1397 upvotes (the highest legitimate amount in Cracked history) and stands as a true testament to the greatness of the Cracked commentors and the community that has formed there. Doubled as a Heartwarming Moment.
- 4 Works of Propaganda That Prove Dictators Suck at Photoshop, which ends with this brilliant Take That! towards the dictatorships in question:
In all of the countries mentioned up there, the Internet is heavily monitored and regulated (or, in the case of North Korea, doesn't even exist for regular citizens). They are strict anti-technology cultures because technology fosters the spread of information, the control of which is vital for dictators to retain that unchecked power we mentioned earlier. The end result is a bunch of state officials who couldn't convincingly Photoshop Nazi paraphernalia into a picture of Mel Gibson's living room lording over nations they have engineered to be devoid of anyone they could hire to do it for them. The Onion
has better Photoshop artists, and they manage to trick more people with their fake news than any of these assholes do.
- 5 Reasons the Oscars Matter Even Less than you Thought, which dissects the poor choices that the Academy has made over the years. After explaining the chain of events that led to Citizen Kane losing Best Picture, it ends on a note that reminds viewers of the real way of proving a movie's merit:
The passage of time reveals a movie's true quality, not the number of gold statues it won. Citizen Kane
didn't win the Best Picture, neither did Raging Bull
, or Dr. Strangelove
, or Rear Window
or Star Wars
. Keep that in mind while you're watching the circus, and you'll have a better time all around.
- Eight amazing videogame moments that happened completely by accident holds both hilarious stories and these, with the added bonus of the commenters adding their own tales. Of particular note are "Roadblock" Perez and the rise and fall of the Kherjit khanate
- How 7 iconic Movie Characters would fare in a slasher movie. It ends with Ripley from Alien using the dead body of Optimus Prime as an exoskeleton to fight Willy Wonka after Rocky Balboa made a Heroic Sacrifice to buy her enough time to get ready!
- Derek Bloch's account of escaping from the Church of Happyology in "5 Disturbing Things I Learned in Scientology's 'Space Navy'". Bloch recounts the years of psychological abuse and borderline-slavery that he endured as a Sea Org employee, only to be unceremoniously booted out as soon as the organization found out that he was gay. Even though his family eventually disowned him, he did succeed in building an independent life for himself, he found a supportive network of friends, and he managed to share his story with an online community of fellow ex-Scientologists who knew his pain. The conclusion?
"It's been just about two years since I've spoken with any of [my family], but that's OK. I have friendships now that aren't based on a crazy space cult. And now that I'm out, I know that there aren't millions of loyal Scientologists standing arm in arm across the world. There are barely even 25,000 in the United States. And now there's one fewer."
- Eulogy for the Genius of Adam Sandler, an analysis of the decline in quality of Adam Sandler's movies, presented as a hypothetical eulogy for Sandler from the future. It finishes with a excerpt from Sandler's final interview, in which he has an inspiring epiphany:
"Look, crap has always existed. It's fine to not be good at something. It's even OK to be good at something and still be unentertaining. But what is this pervasive culture of being able to do something well and deliberately dialing it down to the blandest possible incarnation? The Ke$has
and Guy Fieris of this world, the Adam Sandlers. We're all going to die. TRY TO DO SOMETHING BEFORE YOU DIE!
"I'm not talking about the people who try and suck — your Pitbulls
of the world, who were always going to be affably mediocre. I'm talking about people with real ability and awareness who instead elect to autotune their work, pour donkey sauce on it, and otherwise piss in the pool and call it a day. If you have legitimate ability, you don't get to carpet bomb your success with the easiest option to assail the senses. You owe it to everyone who took the time to help you learn your craft to stand the fuck up and MAKE SOMETHING.
"No. Goddamn. Shortcuts."
- Gladstone's article "3 Reasons the Ground Zero Mosque Debate Makes No Sense", calling out its critics for making statements such as, "We all know that they have the right to do it, but should they?"
Gladstone: Let me make something clear. In order to make these statements you must hate two things: logic and America. There is NO way to say that an individual has a protected right to do something and simultaneously criticize your government for not suppressing the execution of that right. There is no way for President Obama or any other president to put a stumbling block in the way of the free exercise of religion without violating the sanctity of that freedom. Should I say it more simply? OK. You can't legally stop people from obeying the law.
The Burlington Coat factory is private property. Those who want to build on it are private citizens. They are violating no law in wanting to build a community center. Under what authority do you propose we stop them? There is no "unless you're a Muslim within X yards of a national tragedy exception" to the free exercise of religion. Do the Gingrichs and Palins and Reids want to start a precedent where you can compel people not to exercise the freedoms guaranteed under our Constitution provided enough people don't like you?
And what are we saying to Muslims? That if they were good Americans they would willingly give up their rights? I can't think of anything less American than that? This is America. We do what we want. And all you have to do to have that right is be a citizen here. And if you're a traitor, well then we will prosecute you for treason and penalize you for taking up arms against the greatest country in the world, but we will NOT start curtailing your freedoms based on mere speculation fueled by lies about what you're building and where you're building it.
In the days following 911 it was very popular to say that we couldn't do anything differently in America or "the terrorists would win." We can't stop driving gas guzzling cars. We can't stop supporting dictators in other parts of the world for financial or political gain. We can't vote for a Democrat. Most of that was rhetoric. Some of it was probably true. But one thing is definitely true: if we ask our leaders to start dishonoring the freedoms that make this country great, the terrorists surely will have won. And I don't want to see that. Because unlike those with power and influence who would lie to you, I love America.
- Gladstone gets another one for "3 Ways 'Checking Your Privilege' Never Fixed Anything", where he exposes some of the ugly implications behind the "Check Your Privilege" movement. Namely: it's built on blind assumptions, it cynically rejects the idea that human beings are capable of empathizing with people who are different from them, and it encourages people to shut down their supposed "oppressors" with snappy Catch Phrases instead of having intelligent conversations with them.
"By now, you're really getting pissed off. You're positive you know who your enemies are, and you're positive their background prevents them from agreeing with you. You feel I'm distorting the whole point of 'check your privilege.' To you, the phrase is noble. The phrase is simply beseeching the wrong-minded power elite to engage in self-reflection and see how their socialization has led them to be narrow-minded, oppressive, and wrong.
I've had friends explain that to me — 'check your privilege' is only trying to start a dialogue. That's almost the equivalent of saying that 'check my cock for your wife's lipstick' would start a dialogue about the state of one's marriage. The phrase is insulting. It's a shortcut allowing you to dismiss the opposing views of your adversary. It does absolutely nothing to illuminate.
If you're a black transsexual woman arguing with some white cisgendered male, and you truly want to explain how his 'privilege' prevents him from understanding your point, your struggle, or simply you, then spouting 'check your privilege' isn't going to help. 'Check your privilege' fosters no mutual understanding. Why not talk about you? Explain you? Share you?
What do you want: to be an understood, accepted part of the world with an equal chance for happiness and success, or just to tell the people you perceive as privileged that they're wrong? What is your goal? What is your endgame?"
- 4 Insane Celebrity Conspiracy Theories We Wish Were True. Coming hot off the heels of #2—a sordid rumor of Demonic Possession in celebrities completely derailed by its racist origins—is a theory that there is more than one of Andrew W.K.. And even though it's clearly false, the author wants it to be true so badly:
"In all of his ventures, he's a paragon of slightly insane but surprisingly insightful positivity, and even the people who have met him and kind of buy into the 'elaborate hoax' theory admit he's one of the nicest guys they've ever met. So, some people are saying there's more than one of this man? To this, I say fuck yeah! I want there to be more Andrews W.K. The world needs more Andrews W.K. In fact, regardless of whether this thing is true, from now on I'm choosing to believe that there are at least a dozen of this guy running around, giving good advice to strangers, making faces on Fox News, going insane on Twitter, and rocking like no men have rocked before or ever will, all the while wearing that trademark smirk on their faces. At night, they all meet in a hidden Andrew W.K. lair and embark on secret missions where they fight crime. With the power of partying.
- In this article, No. 2 talks about how Herodotus discovered that the Egyptians were into Bestiality and weren't just good at banging crocodiles-they were masters of it. This is doubly awesome when you realize that doing the feat would be incredibly dangerous. And finally, it's awesome knowing that some time in Ancient Egypt, there was an Egyptian with a black belt in crocodile banging.
- The Return of the Seanbaby. Just listen to that praise.
- The winner of this photoplasty. EVERYONE say it's one of the best deserved #1, and for good reason.
- Soren gets death threats, some of which are creepy, others not so much. What does he do? Write an article that simultaneously mocks them and laughs it off. That's if the death threats were real and the whole thing isn't just fictional. If not, it's still a pretty cool article.
- Six Common Movie Arguments That Are Always Wrong and Five Stupid Complaints We Always Have About Christopher Nolan Movies quickly and conveniently summarize so many different types of Fan Dumb that anyone who watches movies may want to check them before watching any more movies. For example this sentence perfectly encapsulates why so many people find the It's Not Supposed to Win Oscars argument to excuse bad film making so frustrating:
"I don't want Transformers
to be Atonement
. I want it to be Die Hard
or Iron Man
or Terminator 2
or even True Lies
. Cheesy? Over the top? Full of explosions and ambiguously sketched terrorists? Perfect! I don't care if the hero hangs the bad guy on a missile and fires it into a building while telling him he is fired, as long as he has a reason to do it, as opposed to just checking his watch and going, "Oh, it's time for this scene in the movie."
- This, just this. A massive Take That! at clickbait Internet articles (which Cracked itself is guilty of to the highest degree, but something author David Christopher Bell has literally made a career out of debunking) which especially focuses on websites that profit off of agitating social issues like racism, sexism, and homophobia. In particular, he slams Gawker for their infamous article publicly outing a gay corporate executive:
"That means instead of the headline "Crazy Asshole Blackmails Man," they opted to act as an accomplice to the extortion of a man whose sexuality in no way affects anyone's life but the one they just ruined. Wrap your fucking skull passenger around that slice of journalistic nihilism the next time you consider clicking on another Gawker article. Seriously, as someone who researches the news on a daily basis, I'm telling you to stop reading Gawker right now. They're an insufferable garbage business that doesn't care about the news."
- 4 Important Rivalries Recreated as Super Smash Bros. Fights. All the major rivalries that Cracked has been going on about over the last few years condensed into SSB-style fights. Extra points for the Beatles vs. Yoko Ono battle, which ended with John Lennon coming out of nowhere and avenging Yoko's defeat by effortlessly thrashing his former bandmates.
- If 20 Celebrities Had Real Jobs Instead Of Fame, "Weird Al" Yankovic would still find a way to be famous.
- This one comment from 5 Reasons Mass Shooters Are Not The Kind Of Crazy You Think oozes all sorts of awesome:
Sam Ragsdale: Robert Evans takes an unflinching look at some of the worst aspects of humanity and shows a remarkable compassion for both those affected by these crimes and those who perpetrate them. He looks beyond the veil of fear which so often grips us in our national grief and reveals a shockingly obvious truth about humanity. I think that truth is that we're all human and nothing can totally abolish our humanity.
- J. F. Sargeant's article entitled "4 Things Everyone Gets Wrong About Free Speech and College" ruffled a lot of feathers, but one commentator's anecdote showed how to do a protest with dignity (what's more, they're pretty humble about it):
This kind of reminds me of what happened recently in England. A college invited (in)famous news personality Katie Hopkins
to deliver a speech to the students. However the moment she started, they all got out of their seats and left
, unwilling to entertain her.
I'm not sure which is the correct course of action. Hopefully someone here can enlighten me.
- Robert Brockaway's article entitled "6 People Who Are Ruining Online Gaming" ends with a rant against Hardcore Kids that is equal parts hilarious, awesome, and slightly terrfying:
"Motherfucker, I am 35 years old, and I've been gaming since I was younger than you. You're upset that Far Cry 4's graphics don't run at 60 frames per second? I remember when we didn't have graphics. I spent all night playing MUDs; my graphics were speed-reading. You think Mario is a cliche? I remember when he wasn't a thing. I've been playing games since before Mario. That's like being alive before Jesus. You're all, 'Excuse me, I think I know what I'm talking about — I've been to Bible college,' but you don't realize you're talking to a B.C. motherfucker. You complaining to me about your DLC and ping and tear rate — it's like complaining about your fancy steak being overcooked, when I was around before steak. I was running the Earth before mammals. I was back there eating the goddamn dinosaurs. All chewing on stegosaurus plates and shit. Oh, your meat is dry? My dinner is spikes. Raw spikes.
I'm a casual motherfucker, motherfucker? I am literally old enough to fuck your mother and it wouldn't be weird. I mean, supposing she was into it. People would see us together and they wouldn't be all, 'That's inappropriate.' They'd be like, 'Good for her; they seem nice together.' We'd hold hands and take funny pictures in a photo booth, and when she falls asleep in my arms, spent and satisfied, I'm so old that I wouldn't even get weird about it when she farts in her sleep. Because I not only accept the faults of the human body but actually get some comfort from the humanizing effect it has on her.
That's how 'casual' I am, you little bitch."
- 8 Insanely Passive Aggressive Business Signs is this for anyone who has ever worked in retail or hospitality.
- "Yeah, I just called Confucius an idiot. I'm hardcore, son."
- Cracked has sent Robert Evans (the author of the aforementioned mass shooter article) into Northern Iraq to cover the situation with ISIS. Yes, really. The amount of balls- no, not balls, bravery it takes for Evans, a writer for a comedy site, to do this kind of thing, and write articles about things he's seen first-hand, is astonishing.
- This Is What Safe Spaces & Trigger Warnings Actually Are. Not only does it deconstruct the modern argument that "safe space = no bad opinions", but it tells everyone that they're Older Than They Think, and that they actually serve a purpose: to guarantee people that believe their beliefs/orientation/etc. would get them into serious trouble that they wouldn't be punished for them and they could talk to (in this case, their professors) without fear of retribution.
Some of our more frequent readers might be aware that Cracked only very rarely uses trigger warnings, and I wrote one
of the very few articles we've slapped one on. But here's the reason we did that—that article is about folks who got mauled by bears
. If a reader had been mauled by a bear or faced a similarly gruesome accident, that article could've triggered memories of their previous trauma, and maybe caused them to pass out or get hurt. We care too much about our readers for that. (Image of a grizzly bear) Caption
: Unless those readers are bears, in which case, eat shit.
This same thing happens in real life on college campuses. If a combat veteran attending college on a GI Bill is in a gen-ed history class, and there's video of, say, World War II combat, that could easily trigger that veteran's PTSD. Similarly, people who have survived rape may also be suffering from PTSD, and descriptions of sexual assault can trigger a traumatic episode. A trigger warning is a simple note in the syllabus saying, "Hey, we're going to discuss something that may cause some of you to relive a traumatic life experience. Please prepare accordingly." Those last three words are important, because that combat veteran or that rape survivor will likely actually prepare accordingly
. It's a pretty complex idea, I know. Some people just can't wrap their head around it
. What it doesn't mean
—but what most people think it means
—is, "We might mention something that will hurt your feelings. Go hide in this special room so the bad words don't hurt your precious, fragile ears."
- I Investigated Fox News' Poverty Claims (On My Mom). Through the use of pure, biting sarcasm, John Cheese utterly eviscerates the idea that "all poor people in America are lazy bums leeching off the hard-working taxpayer." Becomes something of a Tear Jerker as well when you take John's upbringing into account.