- John Cheese has a series of incredibly depressing columns about parenting, alcoholism, and life in general. Then he writes one titled 5 Reasons Life Actually Does Gets Better.
- Which is also a Heartwarming Moment for the writer himself; all those depressing articles? They are based on his life experience. He has more than enough justification to complain how the world is unfair and not worth living, yet he wrote an article on how better life can get... *sniffs*
- Another thing that makes this article a major Heartwarming Moment? The comments section. You'd expect an article like this to be berated in considering Cracked's (possibly cynical) nature and target audience, but no. Around 95% of the comments are praises directed towards Cheese about how awesome his article is; some commenters even thanking him for making such an inspirational article. Very few articles on the site are that well-liked.
- "Some people don't make it through. You fucking will."
- And then another John Cheese article, 5 Bits of Advice That Don't Make Sense Until It's Too Late. This one is pretty normal advice until #2, Going to a Counselor Doesn't Mean You're Crazy. The best part is the caption under a picture, which says, "Wanna know a secret? You are completely normal. It happens to all of us."
- From the same article and section:
But understand this (and if you're in the age group I'm talking about, I hope to God that I'm wrong about you not getting this for years): You have more people who care about you than you think. Back when I was fighting that demon (I like to picture myself using a giant anime sword that's on fire), I swore on my soul that not a single person in the world gave a shit whether I lived or died. As I got older and that smothering black veil lifted, I realized how incredibly wrong I was. There were dozens of people who would have been negatively affected by my early check-out. You'll find the same. Even if it turns out that number is two, that should mean something to you because it translates to this: Those two people live in a better world simply because you draw breath.
- 5 Ways You Know It's Time to Get Married. We can say his life has gone from full John to full Cheese.
- Any John Cheese's article about parenting. No doubt that his articles about parenting relates to his struggles to be a good father and prepare his children for life.
- The whole site's attitude towards Toy Story 3. From the chart satirizing its Tear Jerker status, to defending it against Armond White, to the all around affection they seem to show for it (both users and contributors). Seeing this otherwise cynical site have such a soft spot for a movie about talking toys is quite heartwarming indeed.
- I dunno why, but at #2 of People From Your Past Who Will Haunt You on Facebook, I gave an audible "aww~" when I read to What They'll Mean, expecting another snarky answer, but instead getting "How are you? I'd really like to hear from you because you're a great person." Why are weirdos such nice and friendly god damn people?
- What Andrew WK's Twitter Taught Me About Life. Daniel O'Brien is going to be the party.
- One of Soren's videos, "The worst second date ever," features a guy who's dating a girl who doesn't speak English well. He asked her to meet him on a bridge so that they can jump off together to make some sort of complicated message to the world, which she clearly doesn't get. After reading her his poetry/suicide note, he gestures for her to jump off the bridge. She looks confused and scared, but steps forward. He's about to jump and "follow" her when he notices she's just sitting on the side of the bridge and looking out over the water. He's confused for a second, but then sits down next to her and reads her some more of his poetry.
- This article about Kristen Bell. The description of a hypothetical marriage with her is unexpectedly touching.
- The very worst thing about raising kittens until they're ready for adoption, the earlier being things as getting scratched by them and them leaving poo everywhere? Having to give them up.
- The world is getting better.
- The Ten-Minute Suicide Guide. What initially seems like a humourous how-to on killing yourself turns out to be a sneaky argument for why not to do it, in the most bluntly logical way possible - it looks at where you might end up, possible methods, and getting the timing right, and concludes that every option sucks ass.
- And if the description above doesn't sound that heartwarming, go to the article and read the comments and count how many people credit "The Ten Minute Suicide Guide" with convincing them to not kill themselves.
- How Dr. Who Became My Religion: Whovians, rejoice. Someone has put into very simple words a few of the more powerful reasons people love Doctor Who.
- 6 Pro Gay Marriage Arguments. While the whole thing is equal parts awesome, funny and touching, the end is especially beautiful.
But family's not just your gene packet, it's the people who put your well-being ahead of theirs because you'd do the same for them. It's the people you don't worry about getting mad at because no matter how much you scream and swear you know you love each other. It's your clan, and you don't ask each other to be someone else or accept less in life. Instead you work yourself to the bone for them, because when bastards single you out, they're the ones who stand by you, even when fear-mongers tell them they'll go to Hell for it. And if that's who's in Hell, I'd rather go there than Heaven.
- Robert Brockway, after a very bad week, jokingly post an article asking for money and promising ridiculous prizes for people who donated. So many people asked him where the donate button was that he made it a real thing, and he got a ton of positive responses.
- This piece about the death of Amy Winehouse is quite moving.
- David Wong gets one for 5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy (But Won't), what are those five things? Wealth, Beauty, Genius, Fame, and Power. The best Take That!, ever.
- His 7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable. Most of his stuff qualifies, actually, but those two stand out above all the rest.
- What about The Monkeysphere? One of the few articles that don't rely in list based humor (which is awesome but we all need changes), and uses one of the greatest metaphors ever.
- They both end with a reassuring message. The first one tells you what will make you happy (friendship, altruism, and religious practices), and the second tells you tells you how to not be miserable, so they do both end on a high note.
- The last two bullet points in 6 Things Rich People Need to Stop Saying. As (rightly) angry and cynical as most of that article is, the conclusion ends it on a surprisingly heartwarming message: even if you get rich, powerful and charismatic enough to change the world, you can never do it all alone; society doesn't progress because of the efforts of a handful of super-rich men, it takes all of humanity working together; accepting help from others doesn't make you weak — it's the only thing that's made modern civilization possible.
- Most of 8 Tiny Things That Stopped Suicides qualifies, but the ending especially qualifies:
... a person is driven to suicide by a whole bunch of different things, which builds a wall around them, piece by piece, until the last piece falls into place and the wall is sealed so that there's no way out. Sometimes we look at all the problems that build up someone's wall of hopelessness and think there's no way any of the insignificant things we could do would be able to take it all down. But to break the illusion of there being no way out, you don't need to take down the whole wall, you just need to make one crack in it. One puppy lick, one phone call from Laila Ali, one corny song, one internet stranger, one old Australian guy asking if you want to come in for a cup of tea. And one crack in that wall might be all it takes to turn things around and begin the long, tough job of tearing the whole thing down.
- "Apparently, this is what a saint looks like."
- "And this is what a Japanese saint looks like."
- "Remember this on days you want to watch the world burn: for every dickhead bullying gay teenagers there exists a guy like this."
- "Even if nine out of 10 threatened Internet suicides are trolls or attention-getters, I don't care about looking stupid nine times to save one person's life."
- Except for the part they showed where one person pushed a suicidal person off the bridge.
- Most of the comments on that article count as well, but this one (the highest-voted comment) is probably the best: "You can add this article as a ninth thing. Reading this has made me rethink my own plans. Thank you, Cracked."
- And this article...
- Again, you've got the comment section. Sincere, and anyone making a remotely cynical comment about all of this is immediately gunned down.
- 5 Real Animal Friendships Straight Out of a Disney Movie. All of them are truly adorable, but special mentions goes to number 1.
- "Yet there they stood, facing the king of all animals and the leader of its own pride, on his own turf. And the big cat formerly known as Christian, the proudest and most feared lion in all Kenya, took a glance at the two intruders, drew his lungs full, poised to leap... and danced and ran to his old owners like a little kitten, to greet them with the most excited lion hugs he'd given in years."
- From 5 Rulers Whose Idiot Siblings Nearly Screwed The World: Albert Goering, brother of Hermann
(After listing off all of the efforts he made to thwart Nazism, such as forging his brother's signature on thousands of transit papers and aiding the Czech resistance) we like to think his final act summed him up: He was getting old and close to death, and he wanted to do something nice for his housekeeper. So he married her... just so that when he died, she would keep getting a pension check as his widow.
- 6 'Based on a True Story' Movies with Unpleasant Epilogues sounds like it would be a bit of a downer, and it is, since it explains the unpleasant real-life aftermaths of several supposedly feel-good stories. However, the section on Oskar Schindler's string of failures ended on a rather heartwarming note.
Don't take any of this to mean we're diminishing what he did during the war — the sad epilogue in Schindler's life actually makes his heroism during the Holocaust all the more remarkable. This was not a particularly competent or driven or talented man — he had no other successes to his name. But goddamn did the guy step up when the human race needed him to.
- How Archie's Gay Friend Proved the Internet Can Do Good
- 5 Creepy Superhero Origin Stories Movies Wisely Left Out... not quite for itself, but what came of it. #5, Peter Parker being molested as a child, prompted one commenter, then many, to come forward with their own stories of sexual abuse. It resulted in a long thread of people offering support to one another... and perhaps most importantly, reassurances that they were not alone.
- An article sternly debunking drinking myths and asking its readers to drive safely.
- I'm sure plenty of the (good, kind, unforceful) vegans or friends of vegans out there will give this article writer a hug.
- 6 True Stories That Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity
"Because Santa Claus does exist... if we want him to."
- 4 Great Love Stories in Movies for Guys and its summation of the love between William Munny and his late wife.
One of the greatest love stories ever, with not one scene of the couple together, and barely any words explaining their love.
- It's a small one, but seeing how hateful comments are usually downvoted to oblivion restores some faith in humanity.
- It couldn't have been planned this way, but on the same day that twenty-six people were gunned down in a Connecticut school, Dan O'Brien posted this article.
- This article, which shows the absolute willingness of these people to protect others without hurting anyone, even in the middle of war.
- The user account 'OldSaintNick', which surfaced in the comments section around Christmas 2012. He posts in Christmas-related articles saying Christmas-y things, and nobody thumbs him down.
- This article shows some incredibly heartwarming photos.
- This article is like a treatment for pessimism.
- This tribute to Mr. Rogers.
- Moreover, the comments section from that article. It's the sweetest comment section Cracked and indeed most of the internet has ever seen.
- This article about the internet helping people.
- "5 Heartwarming Stories to Restore Your Faith in Celebrities".
- 21 Mind-Blowing Facts That Will Put a Smile On Your Face
- Dan O'Brien can be like this at times. While many of his articles discuss downsides of being an adult, his 4 Signs of Adulthood for Reluctant Grown ups ends with a declaration about the freedom of being an adult (Including choosing Your own food, being able to take trips whenever You like and getting pets) and shows an almost childlike glee at the fact that, as long as You obey the law and don't hurt anyone else, being an adult means being able to do whatever the hell You want.
- 4 Difficult Ways TO Simplify Your Life That Are Worth It encourages people to let go of anger, move past jealousy, not keep track of petty differences and lets Them know that no one has it all figured out and They should just go out and do things.
- This article about the destructive relationships people all too often end up in with family, work and themselves. It seems bleak and cynical at first but each ends with a statement saying that it doesn't have to be like that: We don't have to be trapped in our lives and feel like we're just enduring it all. The ending is almost a tearjerker:
"Whether or not anything comes from this, random words from a random Internet comedy writer, know that we're in a boat together, you and I. Whatever you want to do, I want you to do it. I really do, even though I can't possibly know who you are and what thing it is you want to accomplish, because I know what people are like when they take that chance and it pays off. I know the world benefits from people who achieve great things and are more at peace with themselves, and are happy and satisfied. I know it is good to be good and I want that for everyone as much as I want it for myself."
- While a great deal of 5 Horrible Things You Learn Working at a Convenience Store is overwhelmingly cynical (and for a reason), there are still some great stories to be found in the comments.
- On the 2007 list, 9 Most Unnecessary Greatest Hits Albums ever, Young MC was number 2. Halfway through, the writer decided they just couldn't make fun of him anymore and went on to gush about Young MC's biggest hit, Bust A Move, calling it one of the greatest songs ever.
- 5 Important Milestones of Adulthood Nobody Talks About, especially the last one.
- 5 People whose Major disabilities only made them stronger
- The end of this article, and Soren's completely heartfelt case for why the Voyager spacecraft represents the best of humanity.
It's us on our very best day, and knowing it's out there, beyond our solar system, representing the home team for the first time ever, I can't help but feel proud to be a part of humanity. It's likely never going to be a communication device, but it will still exist as a memory, a photograph of who we were and even if no one sees it, man, we tried. What else could we do?
- David Wong's "6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person" starts out slightly jerkish, but becomes this towards the end when he tells people how they can make the world a better place, and not to worry about critics because they are simply too afraid to do things for themselves so they like to tear down others.
- In a strange way, entry #1 in "The 10 Most Insane Acts of Violence in Kickboxing History" is rather sweet. Seanbaby makes a kickboxing match sound like a beautiful love story.
- This article details what it's like to work at Disney. Even though it has plenty of plights, it's beautiful to see that all the employees believe that it is all worth it, which is what #1 is all about. This story the article's author tells is all sorts of heartwarming:
Once, there was this little wheelchair-bound girl whom I helped to the front of a line for Mickey's magic show. Once the show started, I went over to the merchandise cart and grabbed a Mickey plush, saying I needed it for "guest recovery." While the little girl's dad was holding her up to watch the show, I quickly stuck the Mickey sorcerer plush into her tiny little wheelchair. When he sat her back down, Mickey was waiting right there in the chair for her. The little girl saw it, then turned around to her dad and said, "See! I told you he was magic!"
- The comment section on the same article is full of stories about how nice and sweet Disney employees are, as well as experiences regular people had in brightening kids' lives. It's enough to bring tears to your eyes.
- A second article on Disney's parks, written some time later by a different employee, has much the same format as the first article. A lot of it sucks for the people who don't get to be in costume, but when you get to the last entry, the employee says that Disney, as a company, really treats its employees well.
As a reward for fending off vicious geese and being stabbed in the groin by children
, they throw us impromptu parties and celebrations pretty regularly, just to keep our morale up. They'll have cast appreciation days, where they bring in huge food trucks to serve us all free meals (they even provide a Thanksgiving Feast for everyone who has to work on the holiday). And while most theme park employees don't get any kind of retirement plan, Disney announced they were providing us with a 401K out of the blue. There's a reason turnover is low at these parks, even if the job means the occasional tantrum from a man dressed as a giant chipmunk.
- 5 Hated Groups That Are Going Out Of Their Way To Be Awesome This article not only includes several heartwarming stories about people doing good for the world (as well as several comments about the same groups), it features a Pet The Dog moment to bronies talking about several charity efforts and saying that their connection to MRAs was overblown. It's nice to see Cracked.com cutting some slack to one of their most common targets.
- 4 Reasons the world has never been better.
- In his article about Robin Williams' suicide, David Wong reveals to the audience that the Cracked message boards have a hidden section where the staff coordinate responses to users' suicide threats. According to him, John Cheese once personally tracked down a suicidal reader's location and got an ambulance dispatched to their house (doubles as an Awesome Moment for Cheese).
- Near the end of the article, Wong mentions how John Cheese once (perhaps inadvertently) talked him out of suicide when they were in high school, and how circumstances have arranged themselves in such a way that now, Wong dedicates effort to banning griefers who comment on Cheese's articles telling him to kill himself. Wong himself may not see it that way, but the best word to describe such a thing in the English language would be "loyalty".
- This article. Not only is it the return of John Devore, but it's also manages to be sweet, pessimistic, optimistic, ridiculous, and hilarious all at once.
Everything is going to be OK. Never lose hope. Always hope. Hope doesn't mean things will actually turn out for the best. That's ridiculous. Hope is the only lie that's more important than all of the truths put together. You can never let it die. Regret is the carnivorous lizard-insect that grows inside hope's carcass.
A recent scientific study by scientists showed that human consciousness can exist for up to three minutes after the heart has stopped beating and brain function has ceased. Three whole minutes. Whisper the names of everyone who you love. Keep repeating that list for three minutes. What? You only love your dog? Because dogs are fur angels? Then whisper "Fonzi" over and over and over for three minutes. Say their names. Smile. Say their names again. Then gravity will surrender its hold and you'll fall up into lightless sky.
- This, at the end of the otherwise Nightmare Fuel-laden 7 Things I Learned as an Accomplice to Murder.
You see where this is going: I never bashed anybody's head in with a hammer or threw bags full of body parts into a river, but I obviously still have a lot to feel guilty about.
Editor's Note: No, you really don't.
The greatest responsibility we ever had as kindergartners was to watch Raphael, the class turtle. He escaped. The turtle. Escaped. That one was on us, because even as 5-year-olds, we probably could have caught that turtle. But that would have been the extent of our 5-year-old abilities. We could not have prevented a mass murder with our tiny, Popsicle-sticky fingers. You're totally in the clear on this one, Talia.
- At the end of the article, 6 Things I Learned as an Innocent Man on Death Row, Yarris said this:
"You can go through worse shit than you ever imagined possible and still choose to be the best version of yourself. People ask me how I'm not angry or bitter, and I ask in reply, 'Why would I want to still be in that horrible prison of hate and bitterness of my own choosing?'"
- I Don't Know My Age: 5 Things I Learned in My Isolated Tribe: Although he says he sometimes misses the food from back home and had trouble relating to his peers in the modern world, he's so amazed by stuff we take for granted. Grocery stores, the availability of music, the different types of music, airplanes, faucets, etc. He even says he often finds himself relating to the protagonists of Sci-Fi movies because of their incomprehensibly amazing technology.
- This article which speaks of Christina's regard for her mother.
- The first four items on 5 Ways Being A Legal Prostitute Is Weirder Than You Think mostly concerns how society's hate for sex workers makes the job more difficult. #5, however, ends with a surprisingly sweet story.
I dressed and went down to the bar, and a trucker couple was standing there — a man and a woman in their late 50s. No, they weren't about to pay for a truly novel threesome. They'd heard my singing, and they wanted to meet me... And that was it. Nobody is going to make a claymation special out of that scenario, but still, it made my holiday.
- 5 Strange Realities of Life With a Famous Dad, written by Billy Mays' son. This comments sums it up pretty nicely:
DrPhilsStache: Heh, given the tone of Cracked articles lately, I thought this article would be a bile-filled rant about all the ways Billy Mays mistreated his kid. Instead, I was treated to a wonderful, heart-felt article about the hidden side of a great pitch man. It sounds like he was a great dad (and a genuinely nice guy) and you sound like a great son. Thanks for this.
- In the article "5 Popular Jokes That Only Make People Want To Punch You," John Cheese said that trading puns was the lowest form of humor. Trading puns is also a beloved practice in the Cracked comments section, championed by resident Pungeon Master darkstrolm. Darkstrolm's simple reply to this outrageous claim has, at the time of writing, gained 1397 upvotes (the highest legitimate amount in Cracked history) and stands as a true testament to the greatness of the Cracked commentors and the community that has formed there. Doubled as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
- In the third entry of this article, David Christopher Bell slams online "news" websites for shaming random people caught committing embarrassing crimes, most of them minors, and in the process ruining their lives forever by engaging in what is essentially corporate cyberbullying. The best part though is that in his screenshots of the websites he's mocking, he blurs out the faces and names of the people who are being made fun of, and then refuses to link to the original articles themselves, which he calls "mean-spirited horsepiss".
- #14 in If No One Gave A Sh!t About Celebrities. A magazine telling its reader that they're perfect the way they are is something we may never see in our lifetimes, but it's nice to think about.
- 5 Cruel Movie Moments That Were Adorable Behind The Scenes
- In the article 4 TV Shows You Loved That Were Nightmares Behind the Scenes, it discusses how David Yost, aka the original Blue Power Ranger, was mercilessly mocked on set for being gay and eventually led to him having a nervous breakdown after he quit the show. The author makes sure those homophobes understand how much of an inspiration the Blue Ranger was to him and other nerdy kids, and the comments section is filled with people echoing him, talking about how the Blue Ranger was their favorite and criticizing homophobes.
"I propose that we take every awkward, geeky, and dorky kid who has ever felt inspired by Yost's Blue Ranger, put them in the same room with the allegedly homophobic producers of Power Rangers, then lock the doors and ignore the screams for the next 20 minutes."
- Describing Raul Julia's role in Street Fighter
"He was only doing this movie for his children, and he leapt into it with all the energy and glory of a man leaping on a grenade for the same reason.
" This is a man who knew he was dying and decided to make his own eulogy by levitating 2 meters off the ground and firing lightning into Jean-Claude Van Damme, just so that his kids could watch. He was such a brilliant beacon of intensity that he made a wish for children when he was the one who was dying, and the result still brightens the world today.
- While Felix Clay describes the Bathos of 5 Depressing Things I Saw at My Local Small Town Comic Con, including the lack of line for Alan Thicke and the lack of Kevin Sorbo (and the please-don't-hurt-me style of respect for Kevin Nash), he drops this line about cosplayers:
- 5 Totally CRAZY CEOs Who Valued Humanity Over Profits
- 5 Random Questions You Didn't Know You Wanted Answered is purely informative except for number 1 in which Luis Prada explains that Saran Wrap lost its cling because CEO Fisk Johnson removed PDCV (the chemical that made Saran Wrap cling) due to the toxic gas it produces when burnt in landfills.
Before the change, Saran Wrap's market share was an 18 percent. Today it's at 11 percent. Johnson removed PVDC for the betterment of the human race, knowing it would hurt sales, and he didn't give a shit, and now I want to make a clear plastic film for storing meatloaf our new flag so I can salute it. It's beautiful to hear a corporation do the ethical thing by playing their small part in making the world a cleaner place to live at the risk of profits. For all I know, SC Johnson is trying to turn us into screaming cancerous flesh blobs with plutonium-powered Glade Plug-Ins, but this one act is a nice gesture that corporate giants don't often do willingly. Is my kitchen floor absolutely caked with food that refused to be contained? Yes. But are my lungs Saran-Wrap-gas-free? Hell yes.
- 5 Sworn Enemies Who Formed Inspiring Friendships
- 5 Shocking Ways Enemies Worked Together During Times of War
- 6 Inspiring Tales of Friendship in the Middle of Brutal Wars
- 6 People Saved by Literally the Last Person They Expected
- 5 Shocking Realities of Working With Disturbed Children is chock-full of Nightmare Fuel, but it does end on a good note.
B, at the center for disturbed teens, once spent more than an hour restraining a young man who writhed and wrestled and threatened to "defile" B's pets until the kid finally broke down in the kind of physical and emotional exhaustion that only comes from trying earnestly to claw someone's goddamn eyes out.
"Then something incredible happened: he started to cry. He began talking about his biological mother and how his earliest memory was standing beside her as a 3-year-old when she was killed in a drive-by shooting. It was information no one, not even his psychiatrist, knew. We ended up covering more positive psychological ground with him in the 10 minutes that followed than we had in the previous two years with him."
- Special mention goes to this comment by Khannkabibble
"I go to a university in Cleveland whose tulpa is a crossing guard named Mark. He's a really awesome guy—stands at the intersection of the two busiest streets every weekday morning (when everyone is going to class and hating their lives), waving people across and smiling and talking with everyone. He's the sweetest guy there and I personally know of a few young adults who have gone to him before anyone else in the university police department if they'd been raped, stuck in domestic violence, attacked, etc. Seriously, every student there, regardless of whether they're tired from pulling an all-nighter or hungover, has a smile on their face after crossing the street.
"Anyway, the campus paper interviewed him recently and he revealed that he spend his first fifteen years out of college working as a correctional officer in a Cleveland facility for severely disturbed kids, developmentally disabled and juvenile delinquents alike. He talked about how hard it was at first to get spit, bled, ejactulated, and s**t on at every turn, but then he learned empathy—and that was his greatest tool. When he put himself in the kids' shoes, he learned to only use enough force to restrain and turned from a security guard that some of the teens considered evil to a guy that they could turn to if they were in a tight spot. He handled drug felonies, sexual assaults, and violent outbursts with kindness and understanding instead of anger. He found out that helped the kids more than anything—they just needed an authority figure that was willing to listen.
"Long story short, the facility closed (because Cleveland, y'know), and he was out of a job. My university hired him as a crossing guard, and he was excited because he still got to work with older teens. Still handles himself like the coolest human being ever. Officer Mark, you da real MVP."
- 5 Heartwarming Stories From History Among All The Horror