Which is also a Heartwarming Moment for the writer himself; all those depressing articles? They are based on his life experience. He has more than enough justification to complain how the world is unfair and not worth living, yet he wrote an article on how better life can get...*sniffs*
Another thing that makes this article a major Heartwarming Moment? The comments section. You'd expect an article like this to be berated in considering Cracked's (possibly cynical) nature and target audience, but no. Around 95% of the comments are praises directed towards Cheese about how awesome his article is; some commenters even thanking him for making such an inspirational article. Very few articles on the site are that well-liked.
"Some people don't make it through. You fucking will."
But understand this (and if you're in the age group I'm talking about, I hope to God that I'm wrong about you not getting this for years): You have more people who care about you than you think. Back when I was fighting that demon (I like to picture myself using a giant anime sword that's on fire), I swore on my soul that not a single person in the world gave a shit whether I lived or died. As I got older and that smothering black veil lifted, I realized how incredibly wrong I was. There were dozens of people who would have been negatively affected by my early check-out. You'll find the same. Even if it turns out that number is two, that should mean something to you because it translates to this: Those two people live in a better world simply because you draw breath.
The whole site's attitude towards Toy Story 3. From the chart satirizing its Tear Jerker status, to defending it against Armond White, to the all around affection they seem to show for it (both users and contributors). Seeing this otherwise cynical site have such a soft spot for a movie about talking toys is quite heartwarming indeed.
I dunno why, but at #2 of People From Your Past Who Will Haunt You on Facebook, I gave an audible "aww~" when I read to What They'll Mean, expecting another snarky answer, but instead getting "How are you? I'd really like to hear from you because you're a great person." Why are weirdos such nice and friendly god damn people?
One of Soren's videos, "The worst second date ever," features a guy who's dating a girl who doesn't speak English well. He asked her to meet him on a bridge so that they can jump off together to make some sort of complicated message to the world, which she clearly doesn't get. After reading her his poetry/suicide note, he gestures for her to jump off the bridge. She looks confused and scared, but steps forward. He's about to jump and "follow" her when he notices she's just sitting on the side of the bridge and looking out over the water. He's confused for a second, but then sits down next to her and reads her some more of his poetry.
This article about Kristen Bell. The description of a hypothetical marriage with her is unexpectedly touching.
The very worst thing about raising kittens until they're ready for adoption, the earlier being things as getting scratched by them and them leaving poo everywhere? Having to give them up.
The Ten-Minute Suicide Guide. What initially seems like a humourous how-to on killing yourself turns out to be a sneaky argument for why not to do it, in the most bluntly logical way possible - it looks at where you might end up, possible methods, and getting the timing right, and concludes that every option sucks ass.
But family's not just your gene packet, it's the people who put your well-being ahead of theirs because you'd do the same for them. It's the people you don't worry about getting mad at because no matter how much you scream and swear you know you love each other. It's your clan, and you don't ask each other to be someone else or accept less in life. Instead you work yourself to the bone for them, because when bastards single you out, they're the ones who stand by you, even when fear-mongers tell them they'll go to Hell for it. And if that's who's in Hell, I'd rather go there than Heaven.
Robert Brockway, after a very bad week, jokingly post an article asking for money and promising ridiculous prizes for people who donated. So many people asked him where the donate button was that he made it a real thing, and he got a ton of positive responses.
What about The Monkeysphere? One of the few articles that don't rely in list based humor (which is awesome but we all need changes), and uses one of the greatest metaphors ever.
They both end with a reassuring message. The first one tells you what will make you happy (friendship, altruism, and religious practices), and the second tells you tells you how to not be miserable, so they do both end on a high note.
The last two bullet points in 6 Things Rich People Need to Stop Saying. As (rightly) angry and cynical as most of that article is, the conclusion ends it on a surprisingly heartwarming message: even if you get rich, powerful and charismatic enough to change the world, you can never do it all alone; society doesn't progress because of the efforts of a handful of super-rich men, it takes all of humanity working together; accepting help from others doesn't make you weak — it's the only thing that's made modern civilization possible.
...a person is driven to suicide by a whole bunch of different things, which builds a wall around them, piece by piece, until the last piece falls into place and the wall is sealed so that there's no way out. Sometimes we look at all the problems that build up someone's wall of hopelessness and think there's no way any of the insignificant things we could do would be able to take it all down. But to break the illusion of there being no way out, you don't need to take down the whole wall, you just need to make one crack in it. One puppy lick, one phone call from Laila Ali, one corny song, one internet stranger, one old Australian guy asking if you want to come in for a cup of tea. And one crack in that wall might be all it takes to turn things around and begin the long, tough job of tearing the whole thing down.
"Apparently, this is what a saint looks like."
"And this is what a Japanese saint looks like."
"Remember this on days you want to watch the world burn: for every dickhead bullying gay teenagers there exists a guy like this."
"Even if nine out of 10 threatened Internet suicides are trolls or attention-getters, I don't care about looking stupid nine times to save one person's life."
Except for the part they showed where one person pushed a suicidal person off the bridge.
Most of the comments on that article count as well, but this one (the highest-voted comment) is probably the best: "You can add this article as a ninth thing. Reading this has made me rethink my own plans. Thank you, Cracked."
"Yet there they stood, facing the king of all animals and the leader of its own pride, on his own turf. And the big cat formerly known as Christian, the proudest and most feared lion in all Kenya, took a glance at the two intruders, drew his lungs full, poised to leap... and danced and ran to his old owners like a little kitten, to greet them with the most excited lion hugs he'd given in years."
(After listing off all of the efforts he made to thwart Nazism, such as forging his brother's signature on thousands of transit papers and aiding the Czech resistance) we like to think his final act summed him up: He was getting old and close to death, and he wanted to do something nice for his housekeeper. So he married her ... just so that when he died, she would keep getting a pension check as his widow.
6 'Based on a True Story' Movies with Unpleasant Epilogues sounds like it would be a bit of a downer, and it is, since it explains the unpleasant real-life aftermaths of several supposedly feel-good stories. However, the section on Oskar Schindler's string of failures ended on a rather heartwarming note.
Don't take any of this to mean we're diminishing what he did during the war — the sad epilogue in Schindler's life actually makes his heroism during the Holocaust all the more remarkable. This was not a particularly competent or driven or talented man — he had no other successes to his name. But goddamn did the guy step up when the human race needed him to.
5 Creepy Superhero Origin Stories Movies Wisely Left Out...not quite for itself, but what came of it. #5, Peter Parker being molested as a child, prompted one commenter, then many, to come forward with their own stories of sexual abuse. It resulted in a long thread of people offering support to one another...and perhaps most importantly, reassurances that they were not alone.
Dan O'Brien can be like this at times. While many of his articles discuss downsides of being an adult, his 4 Signs of Adulthood for Reluctant Grown ups ends with a declaration about the freedom of being an adult (Including choosing Your own food, being able to take trips whenever You like and getting pets) and shows an almost childlike glee at the fact that, as long as You obey the law and don't hurt anyone else, being an adult means being able to do whatever the hell You want.
4 Difficult Ways TO Simplify Your Life That Are Worth It encourages people to let go of anger, move past jealousy, not keep track of petty differences and lets Them know that no one has it all figured out and They should just go out and do things.
This article about the destructive relationships people all too often end up in with family, work and themselves. It seems bleak and cynical at first but each ends with a statement saying that it doesn't have to be like that: We don't have to be trapped in our lives and feel like we're just enduring it all. The ending is almost a tearjerker:
"Whether or not anything comes from this, random words from a random Internet comedy writer, know that we're in a boat together, you and I. Whatever you want to do, I want you to do it. I really do, even though I can't possibly know who you are and what thing it is you want to accomplish, because I know what people are like when they take that chance and it pays off. I know the world benefits from people who achieve great things and are more at peace with themselves, and are happy and satisfied. I know it is good to be good and I want that for everyone as much as I want it for myself."
On the 2007 list, 9 Most Unnecessary Greatest Hits Albums ever, Young MC was number 2. Halfway through, the writer decided they just couldn't make fun of him anymore and went on to gush about Young MC's biggest hit, Bust A Move, calling it one of the greatest songs ever.
The end of this article, and Soren's completely heartfelt case for why the Voyager spacecraft represents the best of humanity.
It's us on our very best day, and knowing it's out there, beyond our solar system, representing the home team for the first time ever, I can't help but feel proud to be a part of humanity. It's likely never going to be a communication device, but it will still exist as a memory, a photograph of who we were and even if no one sees it, man, we tried. What else could we do?
The May 2000 issue opened to a cartoon by Mike Ricigliano, showing former MAD artist Don Martin (who jumped ship to Cracked in the early 1990s) being told by St. Peter that "It's an honor to meet you. You've always been one of His favorite cartoonists. We consider you one of the truly great artists of the 20th century. Frankly, we could use a few laughs around here." Cue Don squirting St. Peter with a squirt flower.