"I'm not here to speculate why California Raisins: the Grape Escape was never released. I'm here to give you the investigative reporting you've come to expect from articles like 'Panda Bears Fucking' and 'Suck This, UNICEF.'"
What happens when you mix a fratboy with a nerd
Sean Riley, better known as Seanbaby, is a Caustic Critic
who used to write for Cracked
.com and still works for Electronic Gaming Monthly
. He is famous for his Web site, seanbaby.com
, mostly for his old video game reviews, making fun of the old Super Friends
cartoon series, his collection of the Hostess Cupcake/Twinkies ad comics
and MSTing all of it. He was also a writer on The Adventures Of Chico And Guapo
and wrote the dialogue for the UFC Undisputed
video games (earning him a Guinness World Record; see Overly Narrow Superlative
) and WWE SmackDown vs. RAW 2011
. He's also designing Calculords, a math-based scifi strategy game for the iPhone.
Seanbaby provides examples of:
- Accentuate the Negative
- Occasionally averted. For instance, there's his list of irreplaceable comedy performances, designed as a tribute to Leslie Nielsen and actually praising the people listed.
- Alternate Character Interpretation: Popsicle Pete as an Eldritch Abomination.
- None of you are safe!
- And some obscure comic book character who traipsed around punching everybody without provocation - reborn as The Punchmaster!
- Nobody questions the Punchmaster! *PUNCH!*
- According to him, Green Lantern uses his powers for much less heroic purposes.
- If you ever see cops in a comic book, chances are one of them will be Dick Whiskey: Drunk Cop, accompanied by his equally drunk partner O'Malley.
- He's insisted, across multiple media, that Phil Collins is gay:
Crispin Boyer: Seanbaby, I'm pretty sure Phil Collins
Seanbaby: Then why does he always, at every time, have forty to fifty dicks in his mouth?
Crispin: You don't know the context.
- Anime Hair: He has a very special hairstyle.
- Arcadia: He was raised on a farm, and he goes out of his way in a Cracked article to dispel the illusion that country life is nothing but fresh air, cute animals and friendly, simple folks. It's actually full of mean, stupid animals that defecate on everything and paranoid, gun-wielding psychopaths.
- Badass Biker: In its heyday, the network G4 had a panda mascot named Po-ken. One of the promos had Seanbaby playing "Biker Billy", a boss from Po-ken's (fictional) game, beating up Po-ken in a forest.
- Badass Boast: He's the man who invented being funny on the Internet.
- Berserk Button: He seems to be Driven to Madness by the "romantic" advice laid out in books written by one Gregory J.P. Godek.
- Biting-the-Hand Humor: In EGM's 200th issue, Seanbaby wrote an article that made fun of the seven worst EGM reviews written for games that earned an average score of seven out of ten.
- Boisterous Bruiser
- Broke The Rating Scale:He often invents rating systems for his Cracked articles to explain certain aspects of the works he's dealing with. This dates back to EGM, where he refused to rate a certain game with a number and instead gave it a troll riding a hot dog.
- Call Back: It's common for him to reference some of his old jokes, and many of them are so subtle that only his most dedicated readers will catch them. For example, one of Dick Whiskey's cop buddies is a guy named Fisketti, who first appeared in Seanbaby's article about the Rainbow Raider. The phrase "A real hot dog" is first noted by Seanbaby in his review for "Mr. T's Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool", and shows up again in a Kick-To-The-Groin comic he made for one Probe article about videogame violence.
- Caustic Critic: One of the original online game critics.
- Genius Bruiser
- Hilariously Abusive Childhood:
: I learned how to throw a tomahawk before I learned how to throw a football, which was ridiculous since if we were involved in a ranged altercation, there weren't enough people in the state of Oregon to soak up my family's ammunition supply. My folks used to turn off the electricity on weekends to prepare us for a life of self-sustained everything. I had so many knives and spears stashed in tree forts that my version of Home Alone
would have been rated NC-17, and my parents thought that was rad.
I should have made it clear earlier that when I said, "In the country, all your neighbors are insane," I was mostly talking to the people living next to me.
- Mistaken for Gay: Must have been the leather pants and fancy haircut.
- Monster Clown: All clowns are The Minotaur. All clowns are The Minotaur. There is no escape. It will never be your birthday again.
- Noodle Implements: He likes to talk about these. One in particular involved a sexual position that needed lube that glowed in the dark and kills sharks.
- Overly Narrow Superlative: Seanbaby holds a legitimate Guinness World Record for his script work on UFC Undisputed 2009; the record of note is "Most Commentary Recorded For A Fighting Game".
- Rated M for Manly: Seanbaby likes to play this straight and lampshade it at the same time.
- Red Baron: "The Man who Invented Being Funny on The Internet. "Try to Fit That on a Business Card.
- Small Name, Big Ego: Not Seanbaby himself, but some interesting characters have come out of the woodwork after finding Seanbaby's articles:
- Mike Arkin, who worked on the NES Total Recall (1990) game. Threatened to sue and/or shoot Seanbaby over his review of the game.
- Mark Discordia, who wrote to Nintendo Power during the 90s at the age of 32. After Seanbaby mocked the letter, someone claiming to be Mark had several exchanges with Sean, during which "Mark" made escalating boasts of his sex life, salary, and drug use.
- The whole point of 8 Douchebags Who Found This Article By Googling Themselves.
- Uwe Boll, who challenged Sean to a boxing match after Sean wrote a scathing review of one of his movies. After it was revealed to Boll that Sean practices Muay Thai and was a full head taller than him(whereas the previous reviewers Boll had faced were thin, gangly, and rather short), Boll promptly backed down.
- Talks like a Simile: A large part of his writing style. The analogies in question are rather... colorful.
- The Rival: He's developed a red-hot hatred toward Gregory J.P. Godek, an author who has written several books that are lists of romantic things to do with your lover (Example, 10,000 Ways to Say I Love You.) He has spent several articles completely eviscerating his books.
- Wall of Text: His style of humor can get pretty wordy- he often constructs complex scenarios to set up a punchline. One of his EGM editors once complained to him that his writing was like a house of cards, where removing one sentence makes the whole article fall apart.
- You Gotta Have Blue Hair: Or red hair, or red AND blue hair. As long as it's spiked, it's all good.
- And for his spectacular homemade 4th of July fireworks articles? Ayup: Red, white and blue hair!