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FanFic: My Immortal

redirected from Main.MyImmortal

alt title(s): My Immortal
It was…......... (…) ……….Dumbledore!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).
—My Immortal's first sentence (Ignoring the Author's Note). It Got Worse after that.

Once upon a time, a canon violator rapist SERIAL rapist serial knife rapist serial baby knife rapist and murderer" named Tara Gilesbie produced threw up on a keyboard to create a Fan Fiction that re-defined the meaning of So Bad Its Good. My Immortal is that fanfic.

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is a seventh-year Slytherin who's overwhelmingly beautiful, "goff" and has Draco Malfoy wrapped around her pale finger. Everywhere she goes, her fellow students are smitten by her hot, goffik So Beautiful, It's A Curse body. She's usually surrounded by her friends, Satanist "goffs" who slit their wrists, shop at Hot Topic and move into Slytherin, cry tears of blood, while everyone else (including Dumbledore) is a prep who listens to Avril Lavigne and hates the goffs for no reason.

The plot is mostly centered around Voldemort Vlodemort trying to force Ebony Enoby to kill Harry Vampire. After this, Ebony goes back in time tim to try to prevent Tom Riddle Tom Bombodil from ever becoming Voldemort Volxemort, by making him fall in love with her. Snape Snap and Lupin Loopin are pedophiles who enjoy masturbating masticating and eventually get sent to Azkaban Azerbaijan (or "Abhkazian", that could possibly a product of the Cupertino Problem if not for the fact that the fic has clearly never seen a spellchecker). Then there's some drama between Enoby, Draco Dracola, and Vampire, and...who are we kidding? There's nothing resembling a plot here.

What this fic does have, however, is sex, torture, rape, time travel (Marty McFly makes an inexplicable cameo), guns, goth concerts, ludicrous and confusing nicknames, dramatic entrances, tears of blood, wrist-cutting, homo-/bisexuality, and clothing descriptions worthy of American Psycho. This is not to mention the out of universe drama, ranging from Tara's constant interaction with her incensed reviewers, the rocky relationship between Tara and her best friend, Raven, as well as some back-and-forth between Tara and a mysterious "hacker." The constant spelling mistakes don't help the reader's understanding either. The story may or may not be the work of a Troll. If she is a troll, she's an incredibly skilled, determined, and realistic one. If not, then weep for humanity's future. WEEP.

It can be found here.

An entire minifandom has sprung up, producing:

As you can see, this might just be the best worst most polarizing fanfiction ever written for Harry Potter, or anything else. Go here for the character list.

Warning: This fic will make you drop about 20 IQ points just by reading it. It will make you feel as though your nerves have been set alight. You have been warned. And if that doesn't do it, the drinking game will. Just ask any troper: he/she will vouch for you.

If you want to forget about My Immortal that would be here.

For the Death Note version, see Light And Dark The Adventures Of Dark Yagami.

This fanfic provides examples of:

  • Alternate Character Interpretation: Directly applicable to the writer. She's either an epic Ralph Wiggum Valley Girl who somehow got her hands on a computer and started pressing buttons randomly, or she's an epic Troll who decided to screw with the internet by producing a Troll Fic that would be cursed throughout the ages. Or she started the fic seriously, somehow realised it was hilariously idiotic, and wrote the rest as a troll fic (explaining the sudden build-up of Rouge Angles Of Satin in later chapters). Or, perhaps, she started out as a troll, but her story slowly deteriorated her mind, to the point that the book got progressively worse. Or perhaps she's a completely normal girl who decided one day to write a So Bad Its Good fic for people to read and possibly get some laughs out of it. Either way, most of the internet has agreed that she should be banned from the Internet. Or burned at the stake, depending on your emotions on the subject.
    • What if Tara doesn't exist at all? Maybe Raven is the mastermind behind all this. Think about it...
    • No, they're Time Lords! They're ALL TIME LORDS! It explains everything! And their tardis is Dumbledores Ipod!
    • At the very minimum there's some form of Stylistic Suck, given the nature of the spelling errors. "Da" for "the" is nearly impossible on a normal keyboard.
      • Unintentionally yes, but you'd be surprised at how stupid people are willing to look in order to not type one extra letter.
    • Alternatively, the person who "helped [her] with the spelling" is the troll. Tara just didn't check it over again. Once posted, back to the Parody Ret Con theory.
    • I would like to propose that Tara Gillesbie is, in fact, Alessa Gillespie. That is all.
    • Um..."burned at the stake?" Don't you mean, burned at the steak?
      • Don't you mean "bruned at da spike?"
      • Mmmmmmmm.... Steak......
    • Meanwhile, the characters aren't worth interpreting at all, and if you bother, there really aren't many ways you could do it.
      • Well, there is one interpretation of them which is so obvious that it hardly seems like an "alternate" one: all the "goffs" are Jerkasses, most of the preps are innocent bystanders and Dumbledore is the real hero. And Ebony is an Unreliable Narrator too blind to see all this.
  • Accidental Innuendo: Whether it's actually accidental depends on whether the fic actually is a parody or not, but regular words are occasionally "accidentally" spelled wrong and turned into obscenities, e.g. "Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge" becomes "Mystery of Magic Cornelia Fuck".
  • Adaptation Decay: That's putting it mildly.
  • A Day In The Limelight: Chapter 37 attempts to switch to Draco's point of view, but after 10 lines it's mentioned that "Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater’s room", which makes no sense no matter which way you look at it. Afterwards, the POV apparently switches back to Enoby.
  • Always Chaotic Evil: Preps, apparently.
  • An Offer You Can't Refuse: Voldemort tells Ebony that if she doesn't kill Vampire, she and Draco will die. He never really follows up on that.
    Voldemort: If thou doth not kill him, then I shall kill him anyways!
  • Anti Climax: Chapter 17-18. 17 sets up some fight between "Dumblydore" and Voldemort, but 18 opens with Ebony waking up. It's explained away in a paragraph, where Dumbledore "chased him off" (and then segues into Ebony and Draco having sex to a Linkin Park song...). Of course, most fights end with someone flying away. Rather like The Iliad, only stupid.
  • Anti Hero: Ebony and her friends. They all fight Voldemort, but they disrespect authority and do "pot, coke and crak" (And each other).
  • Arson Murder And Jaywalking: "Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks."
  • Ass Pull: It's painfully obvious that the author makes up the whole thing as she goes.
    • For example, at one point the characters need to find Draco (who Volfemort has bondage, whatever that means). How do they do this? Someone "has an idea" and teleports them into Voldemort's lair. Note that they whine endlessly about stuff much easier to solve than this. BANG.
  • Author Appeal: Everyone Tara likes has the same taste in fashion and music as her.
    • Allegedly. With how incoherent and contradictory it is, even the author's "goff" status is questionable. She seems mostly emo.
  • Author Avatar: Not just Ebony, but every other character to be portrayed in a positive light, since they're all basically clones of her.
    • If it was ever in doubt - the name changes halfway through from (here we go again) Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way to Ebony Dark'ness Dementia TARA Way. The author a bit confused there, methinks.
    • To put any doubts on the matter to rest, there's this little gem: "My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik)".
  • Author Filibuster: Tara constantly stops the plot (or lack thereof) to remind us she hates preps for no reason. And that she's a Yaoi Fangirl.
  • Awesome Mc Coolname: Most of the original Harry Potter character have been given new names. Such as Hermione now being B'loody Mary, Ron being Diablo Diabolo and Harry becoming Vampire.
    • Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way doesn't count because it doesn't make sense.
    • "Navel" becomes "Dracola". Which sounds like a soft drink...
      • Or a cough drop. ("Draaaaaaaaacolaaaaaaa!")
    • Ron being 'Diabolo' (even though it's intended to be Diablo) is funnier when you realise what a Diabolo is.
  • Back From The Dead: Willow, although whether or not "B'loody Mary" was telling the truth about killing her (and letting Loopin have sex with the corpse...) is unknown.
  • Beige Prose: When discussing anything besides Ebony's apperance, the prose becomes very simplistic "I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowy and rainy at the same time."
  • Berserk Button: Don't mess with Dumblydor if he has a headache.
  • Beyond The Impossible: How bad can Tara's spelling get? The strongest case one could make for this being a parody is that no one could possibly make that many typos.
  • Big Damn Hero: Dumbledore at the MCR concert.
    • I wonder how many fans of the Harry Potter books hate that sentence.
  • Big No: Many people use this many times, including how WormSnaketail did it before his death.
    • The readers themselves, much?
  • Bile Fascination: Seriously, this is was the MOST POPULAR THING on the site if the reviews were anything to go by.
    • And what does it say about all of us that we created such a huge page about it?
  • Black And Grey Morality: As this dramatic reading series notes, "Everyone is either a Satanist or a prep and both of them are evil."
  • BLAM Episode: The fic gets progressively more ridiculous and almost nothing is mentioned again after it happens.
  • Bolivian Army Ending: We never see what happens after she uses Avada Kedavra.
  • Bread Eggs Milk Squick: Ebony and "B'loody Mary" (a.k.a. Hermione) discuss how their ex-friend Willow got expelled for skipping classes while watching Das niteMARE b4 xmas. B'loody Mary suddenly mentions that "after Willow got expelled I murdered her and then Loopin did it with her cos he's a necphilak". Ebony's only response is a happy "Kawai".
  • Britain Versus The UK
  • Buffy Speak: "Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face."
  • Bus Crash: Willow would be an example of this if there were any continuity. She is prominently in chapter two and then isn't mentioned again until chapter sixteen in which it's stated she died. But then she comes back from the dead with no explanation.
  • Canon Rape High Score: All bets are off people. Nothing is worse than this. Nothing.
  • Captain Obvious: "All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart."
  • Card Carrying Villain: Voldemort.
  • Character Derailment: Definitely averted. In fact, this is so unbelievably close to the JK Rowling's style of writing Harry Potter that this troper's jaw dropped.
  • Cliche Storm: It's like Tara took one of those Mary Sue Litmus tests, and used every option...
  • Cluster F Bomb: Tara makes liberal use of F-Bombs in this mess of a fanfiction.
    • Here's just one example:
    What the fuck? You torture my fucking bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.
  • Common Mary Sue Traits: "...and I have long ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears..." Make it more obvious, why don't you?
    • Also, after whining about "Snap" and "Loopin" videotaping her and random men wanting her, she exclaims "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A F*CKING CURSE!" This troper facepalmed when she heard that.
  • Completely Missing The Point: "I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!"
  • Conflict Ball: Why do the two groups of daft High School stereotypes hate each other? God knows.
  • Content Warnings: "WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD." (Of course, "excretion" might just be the right word...)
  • Crack Fic: Though perhaps not intentional.
  • Cool Car: Draco has a flying Mercedes-Benz. Notably, one of the actual canon features of the fanfic: at least one flying car does exist in the Potter Verse. Although it's fairly out of character for Malfoy to own an enchanted version of a Muggle invention.
  • Costume Porn: And how. Pretty much ⅓ of the fic is spent to describe what someone is wearing.
    • And it would probably be more if the rest of the story wasn't 1/3 "sex" and 1/3 cutting wrists, being goffik and going to the same concert OVER 9000 times.
  • Crack Fic: It needs to be repeated.
  • Creator Breakdown: The spelling mistakes get more frequent and more blatant as the story goes on.
    • And that isn't even mentioning her raging at the readers.
  • Creator Provincialism: A character is at one point described as having an English accent, which in a(n alleged) Harry Potter fic should not be unusual enough to be commented upon. There are quite a variety of English accents, from Broad Yorkshire to Geordie to Estuary English to BBC to Posh Upperclass Twit, not to mention about a million others, so it does sort of make sense.... sort of. Indeed, this makes "English accent" even less useful as a description.
    • Given the overall quality of the fic, it would be incredibly surprising if the author even knew what an accent was, never mind the regional variations thereof.
  • Cross Over: Marty McFly appears for no real reason to take Ebony back to the present.
    • Darth "Valer" takes Voldemort's place at one point...
    • Socrates, I kid you not. Read chapter 36... Yeah, wrap your mind around that one.
      • A third, unintentional(?) I think she meant to say Tom Riddle, but with this story you never know... one:
    Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was"""""""". Tom Bombodil!1111
    • This could be another point in the Troll argument, since Lord Of The Rings is not for the functionally-illiterate. It is doubtful that the sort of person who could honestly write this tripe would have the wherewithal to even get to the the part about Tom, let alone remember him.
    • Nah. It only takes her overhearing an argument about how the LOTR movies left out Tom Bombadil to make her aware of the name, so she can cram it into her soulless atrocity of ones and zeroes (and I'm not talking about binary).
    • In another cameo involving Voldemort, at one point, Voldemort's past self is referred to as "Tom Anderson".
    ""Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?""
    • I Knew It! She's an Agent! ...infected with a computer virus!
  • Crowning Moment Of Awesome / Crowning Moment Of Funny: See the Crowning Moment page. Whether they're funny and/or awesome is up to you.
  • Crunchtastic: “Yeah shut up!!!!” Snake said preppily.
  • Darker And Edgier
    • Darker, Sadder And Emo-er is more accurate
  • Dark Is Not Evil / Light Is Not Good: Assuming that the author isn't a troll, she would have attempted the first but completly failing, since the main characters are all extra byronic heros (note that if she is a troll it could very well be an aversion/deconstruction). The later is played straight however with the preps (except for Voldemort, if he was indeed reffered to as a "prep"), which are all obsessed with pink and other lively colours and light and have various degrees of morality, ranging from annoyingness to Complete Monster-doom. Gets particularly more evident when the author claims Snape is a christian and Vampire Potter is a satanist.
  • Department Of Redundancy Department: Lots of it. For example, "Magical Magic Creatures".
    • "I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying."
    • Tara insults her flamers by calling them "gay fags".
    • At one point, the story reuses a plot detail involving Vampire's eyes rolling back into his head, his scar changing from a pentagram back into a lightning bolt, and informing Ebony that Volfemort has Draco bondage. Verbatim.
    • And another had her saying Voldemort had no nose, then repeating the exact same thing in the next sentence. To say nothing of the fact that she had already mentioned it earlier.
  • Designated Villain: Dumbledore — wears an Avril Lavigne cape!!
    • Britney doesn't do anything aside from being "a fucking prep".
      • Except in chapter 42 where it's stated by 'Proffessor Trevolry' that Britney freed Snap, Loopin and Hargrid from "Azerbaijan". How or why exactly, Trevolry (and Tara) doesn't bother to go into.
    • It's really quite easy to view Ebony and friends as jerks who bully preps around for no reason and the preps as merely acting in self-defense. Especially when you consider not being a goff makes you evil for being a "prep" and trying to be goffic makes you evil for being a "poser" — it's a Catch-22. And no, you can't become a "real" goff because the goffic shops don't let "posers" buy the "real" goffik items. Apparently, goffs are an exclusive cult in Tara-Land.
  • Did Not Do The Research: In fact, better just make this Critical Research Failure. Tara admits that she bases some of it on the movies because she hasn't read all of the books. This is a very good way of getting Gannon Banned in Harry Potter fandom circles, but everyone's too busy laughing to care.
    • Ebony/Enoby goes to Hogwarts in England, when it is clearly supposed to be in Scotland. Britain Versus The UK played straight.
    • "We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol."
    • and Hot Topic topik was not called Hot Issue ishoo.
    • Let's not forget that Voldemort Volfemort knows about Ebony's relationship with Draco because "[he] hath telekinesis!"
    • Not to mention Hedwig being male, and a human, and Voldemort's gay lover!
    • Does she know what dementia actually is? It's not very goff, kawaii or shmexy.
    • The characters also throw around Avada Kedavra (which is frequently misspelled) quite frequently, even though it's a forbidden spell.
    • Since when does it make one a paedophile to be attracted to a seventeen-year-old, particularly since sixteen is the age of consent in Britain? Okay, it's still not okay to "masticate" while watching a seventeen-year-old bathe, but at least get the words right ...
      • Besides, didn't the books mention that in the wizarding world one becomes a legal adult at age 17?
    • If you want to pick a "depressing" movie, you could do much better than Corpse Bride.
    • "Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)
    • In the 1980s, James (or Jamez) Potter is nicknamed "Samoro", a masculised version of the character Samara's name from American remake of The Ring. A movie which wasn't released until 2002...
      • Although, bizarrely, there is a town in Pakistan named Samoro, which was formerly named Jamesabad — Urdu for Jamestown. Coincidence, incredibly obscure reference ... or MAGIC?
    • Apparently, Hogwarts has math, biology and "Hair of Magic Magical Creatures" classes now.
      • And in said biology class, Ebony did some "advanced biology" work by turning a bloody pentagram into a guitar. That's not biology, that's alchemy. And not very logical alchemy, to boot.
      • You were expecting any kind of logic in this story? You poor fool.
      • Ebony and friends can apparently run in and out of classes whenever they feel like it and not get in trouble. And when they do show up in class, it's usually just long enough to yell at someone, kiss, have sex, etc.
    • Many Satanists don't even believe in Satan. The ones that do typically are not nearly as sinister as Ebony's friends.
    • The author repeatedly gets Crucio mixed up with Crookshanks. For those unfamiliar with Harry Potter, or if you just don't remember, "Crucio" is a magical spell that causes incredible pain. Crookshanks is Hermione's pet cat.
    • Then there's the fact that all it takes to kill Voldemort in this fic is for Enoby to stop wangsting and use a killing curse. Unfortunately, that takes 40 chapters.
      • Only the killing curse, in all its variations, can apparently only damage property, summon mostly useless mooks, bounce "hamlessly against Volzemorte's robes" or send someone "[flying] bck, httn da wall," depending on the author.
    • None of the "goffic" bands "Enoby" and her frends listen to are actually considered goth. They are actually mostly pop punk or mainstream emo. In one of the later chapters the end of the story she lists about 50 actual goth bands she claims to listen to. This list is obviously just copied and pasted from a wiki or web page. Despite the fact that she calls every else this, Tara is actually the quintessential poser.
      • "geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth"
    • The characters are repeatedly described as going "upstairs" to their rooms. They're all Slytherins, so their dorms should be in the dungeons.
    • Dumbledon's iPod turns into a time machine,even though Hermione has said on multiple occassions that elctronics don't work around Hogwarts.
    • Ebony apparently is in a Gothic metal band called Bloody Gothic Rose 666. She describes them as a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The main trouble with this is that influences from two pop-punk bands and a nu-metal band do not make you metal. Even further, gothic metal is an actual genre. It's an offshoot of doom metal that combines with gothic rock that usually has a melancholy atmosphere, heavy keyboards, and dramatic (sometimes female or harsh) vocals in addition to the heavy, slow riffs of doom metal. This genre is done by bands like My Dying Bride, Type O Negative, Paradise Lost, or Anathema. And again, a cross between MCR, Slipknot, and GC would sound nothing like this. Another example of how Tara is probably a bigger poser than anyone she gives that title.
    • And, when she travels back in time, she talks about a Goffik Beatles calendar (of course, as the Beatles ar an ABSOLUTELY Emo Teen Band). And, Volfemort of the eighties seems to know what will happen in the future:
      • He froned confusedly. “noo its called Hot Ishoo.” He smiled skrtvli again. “then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic.” he moaned.
    • And this troper's favorite, considering Hairgrid is a little too old to be a student:
      • “I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
      • (picture him on a broomstick right beside this: 'Snap is spying on me and he is taking a video tape. And Loopin is masticating to it'. Oh, and Dumblydore came out of nowhere, too...
  • Does This Remind You Of Anything: Voldemortserum.
    • Note that all the main characters use real life drugs with no negative consequences whatsoever. And Dumbledore condones smoking pot in school at the very least.
    • Then again, they may not be smoking pot at all — just cigarettes that they think are pot.
  • Don't Explain The Joke: There is precisely one instance of a pun not being pointed out. Even if it had been pointed out, it would still have been the best only good pun in the entire story.
    • Given the number of horrible and seemingly impossibly bad spelling errors, this troper automatically assumed that it was the only unintentional pun in the story.
      • "...the forest where Draco stole my virility..."?
      • No, I think it's where "Serious Blak" is Harry's Vampire's "dogfather".
    • One of the most confusing is "She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan." - Tara uses "pentagram" instead of "cross", because she's a Satanist.
    • One of the worst cases of her pointing something out, in this troper's opinion, was when she intentionally used "bitca" instead of "bitch" referring to a rather obscure line in the Season 2 opener of Buffy. Tara's comment on this otherwise brilliant Shout Out?
      "bufy rox!111"
  • Draco In Leather Pants literally
  • The Dragon: Snap to Voldemort
  • Dramatic Ellipsis: "It was... ... ... ... ... (CHARACTER)!" is used more than a few times.
    • Also used all the time before "sex" scenes: "And then..........we started frenching passively", or some variation thereof, appears about 50 times in the fic.
  • Deus Ex Machina: Dumbledore's appearance at the MCR concert.
  • Dramatic Thunder: “I knew who thou were all along.” he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. “Now I shall kill thee all!!!!!!” Thunder came in da room.
  • Driven To Suicide: Draco. Of course, after being found in his room, dead, he promptly reappears in the story and nobody so much as comments on it. Admittedly, it's possible that the author was trying to imply that Vlodmort had kidnapped him and put a fake corpse in Drako's room, or something.
    • May also apply to the reader.
    • It's implausible that a girl who feels the need to point out every single crappy pun in her "story" (sometimes repeatedly) could have the subtlety to imply anything.
  • The Eighties: Tara randomly decides that Voldemort attended Hogwarts in the 1980s (canonironically, it's the 1940s) - maybe she just couldn't imagine a time before there were "goffs".
  • Emo Teen
  • Epic Fail: If this fic isn't that, then nothing is.
  • Epileptic Trees: Tara comes up with a few: I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!!!!!1111 nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111 (Funnily enough, half of that did turn out to be true)
    • ... That proves it. Tara is actually J.K. Rowling doing the ultimate parody of her own work. It all makes sense!
  • Everyone Is Bi: Or at least, all the guys. The girls aren't, however, because that's gross.
  • Fanfic Chop Suey: Harry Potter is thrown together with what Tara perceives as gothic things.
  • Fantastic Racism: Draco mostly averts this, but once calls Ebony a "fucking poser muggle bitch" in an attempt by the author to prove that he's still in character.
  • Fan Service: Tara presumably thought that the sex scenes were this (see Fetish Retardant and IKEA Erotica).
  • Flanderization: The OOC characterization and writing style get unbelievably worse with each passing chapter, most notably after the time travel segment. Of course, this only applies if you take the viewpoint that Tara is, in fact, an internet troll.
    • The first few chapters were supposedly done with Raven proofreading it, which explains why they're easier to understand than the rest.
  • Fetish Retardant: Pretty much the whole thing. See IKEA Erotica.
    • This scene  * deserves special mention.
  • Follow The Leader: The fanfic spawned hundreds of parody fics.
  • Freudian Excuse: Voldemort Vlodemort Volsemort Darth Valer Voldemint Volxemort. In Professor Trevolry (or Professor Sinister's) own words, "When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?"
  • Freudian Slip: Tara occasionally substitutes her own name for Ebony's.
    • There is at least one instance of the author referring to Sirius as "Sodomize" and Cornelius Fudge as "Cornelio Fuck".
    • An apparent case of Mister Seahorse: "Vampire" attacks Lupin and Snape by "pointing his womb".
  • Fridge Logic: Ebony got her name from her long, ebony black hair. Wait... at what age was she named exactly?
    • And there's also the line 'We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.' Talked...in silence?
    • Anything involving time travel.
    • In chapter six, Ebony meets Harry, asks his name and he introduces himself. Later that same day, Ebony refers to Hermione as her friend. And later still the same day Harry is a member of Ebony's apparently preexisting band, along with Ron. How could she have not met Harry before that day?
    • If Tara really did slit her wrists for each of the thousands of times she got flamed, she's really doing it wrong. Although it would explain why her spelling keeps degenerating as the story goes on.
    • No, it's because she can only die from a steak!
    • Honestly, why try to point out specific logic failings in this story, when it is pretty clearly the entire thing?
  • Funetik Aksent: The author lapses into out of this on multiple occasions. Most famously, the word "goffik".
  • Giftedly Bad: Tara.
  • Glamour Failure: It took until the last paragraph of the fic for Tara to slip up and reveal she's a troll: Look at the page quote and notice what movie Ebony's a fan of.
  • Gratuitous Japanese: Professor Sinister, and to a lesser extent Ebony. Oddly, Ebony likes the word "kawaii".
    • And she uses it incorrectly on almost every occasion, too: kawaii (pronounced 'kawa-ee', not 'kah-why') doesn't map exactly to the English word 'cute'; rather, 'kawaii' describes the concept of cuteness, and carries with it overtones of innocence, youthfulness and childhood. It's essentially the concept of looking like/behaving like a child.
      • However, the 'kah-why' pronunciation does give you a similar word, kowai, which means scary or creepy - so in a way, she's not quite wrong about what this story is.
    • What makes the use of this trope especially strange is that nowhere in the fic does any character indicate liking anime, J-pop, or anything else pertaining to Japanese culture.
    • "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
    • Death is NOT kawaii!
    • The use of "Hajimemashite". On one occasion, Enoby meets up with one of her friends, and the other character says "Hajimemashite, gurl!" Or some such bullcrap. Hajimemashite is what you say to someone upon first meeting them, not something you would say to a friend.
  • Groundhog Day Loop: OMG there's an MCR concert RIGHT NOW! So they go and have sex. Back at school, OMG, there's a MCR concert! Let's go tonight, but first, we have to buy new clothes! Then yay, concert, let's have sex! Ebony then wakes up finds out about the MCR concert!!! NO WAY We should totally go and maybe even have sex! The same paragraph is copy-pasted into about four different chapters.
    • Oddly enough, in some chapters, a scenario happens and it is repeated word for word later in the story. This troper can think of three examples of this. The first being where Harry "Vampire"'s pentagram changes back into a scar revealing Draco's whereabouts (Volfemort has him bondage). The second is when Ebony (or Enoby) go to an MCR concert, only to find out it's not really them, but "Volsemort and da Death Dealers!" The third example is a special case as it happens in two different chapters. Draco is caught doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111. and Willow tries to attack him.
  • Goth: Subversion: Ebony thinks she's a goff, but she's really an Emo Teen.
  • Hero Antagonist: Dumblydum Dumbledork Dumbledore, or whatever the hell his name is sometimes is this.
    • This, in fact, borders on Hardy Boys Investigation. Ebony and friends basically do nothing except whine while Dumbledore flies in to save them every time things get out of hand. And they still hate him for no reason.
  • Hormone Addled Teenager: Everyone. Just...everyone.
  • Ho Yay: Harry "Vampire"/Draco "Snap"/Loopin, and Tom "Satan"/Hedwig
  • Hurricane Of Puns: A ton of really bad puns get used throughout, each one with an author's note pointing it out.
  • I Am Not Shazam: She at one point refers to the band HIM, but in the same sentence then uses it lowercase. She tends to be pretty good on capitalizing band names, so it looks like she meant to refer to the singer Ville Valo.
  • I Got Better: Draco commits suicide. No, he does not attempt suicide, he commits it, and is found dead. This is never mentioned again.
    • And then he was apparently able to have sex right after being tortured for presumably... two days?
    • It's possible that it was ignored because Draco was "in bondage" in Voldemort or something rather than dead...then again either I'm reading too much of this story and trying to make a coherent narrative which is freaking impossible
    • I know I'm giving her too much credit, but it says that "I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn"t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there"s no way I"m writing that) or a steak)"
      • and also, " I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive."
      • mmmm....steak.
    • B'loody Mary also claims that Willow is dead, in this classic excerpt: (Willow later returns without explanation)
    B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do' in japanese). "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)
    "It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.
    Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. "Maybe Willow will die too." I said.
    "Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak."
    "Kawai." I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.
    • Funnily enough, mentioning her expulsion before mentioning her death is sort of in character for Hermione.
  • IKEA Erotica: "He put his thingie into my you-know-what."
  • I Know You Know I Know
    I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn’t want him2 know I knew.
  • Incest Is Relative: "I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie."
  • Incredibly Lame Pun: Every pun in this story will make you want to bash your head against a wall.
  • Informed Attribute: It's mentioned a couple of times that Ebony is bisexual (such as Draco narrating "I'm bi and so is Ebony") but she never shows any sexual interest in any women at all in the entire story.
  • In Name Only: This is further from Harry Potter than the Earth is from Jupiter Andromeda.
  • Invisibility Cloak: Subverted as Vampire's black cloak is apparently as one reader put it, the worst invisibility cloak ever.
    • Plus, it's actually an invincibility coke, so in retrospect Vamp was being a dumbass for expecting it to hide them.
  • Ironic Hell: Ebony, when the fic gets hijacked.
  • Kudzu Plot: Well, if it had a plot...
  • Large Ham: Wayyyyy too many to name. Characters constantly deliver lines in an overly dramatic fashion.
  • The Leisure Suit Larry: Wormtail Snaketail.
  • The Libby: Britney.
    • Arguably, Ebony.
  • Life Embellished: Probably.
  • Logic Bomb: At one point the main characters "talked to each other in silence," which is practically Zen.
  • Mac Guffin: Snap and Loopin's video. Maybe.
  • Malaproper: Tara. Often tries to use big words, and fails.
    "I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco"
  • Mary Sue: Ebony. Just... Ebony. Tara, of course, denies it (despite three four noticeable Freudian slips in which other characters refer to Ebony as "Tata" "Tara" and "TaEbory"), and responded to her preppy haters with this:
    I sed stup flaming ok ebony"s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!
  • Meaningful Name: The "Raven" part of Ebony's name refers to Tara's friend, Raven. After Tara stops being friends with Raven, she changes Ebony's name to "Ebony Darkness Dementia TARA Way". Then, she reverts it back later on.
  • Memetic Mutation:
    • "The forest where Draco stole my virility"
    • "Icy blue eyes like limpid tears"
    • Snowing and raining
    • "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
    • The only way they can be killed is with a c-r-o-s-s or a steak
  • Mexican Standoff: Ebony points one out in the final chapter, though she accidentally calls it a "Latin standoff".
  • Mind Screw
  • Mood Swinger: Ebony has so many mood swings that it makes you wonder if shes bipolar. Draco has a mood swing once.
  • My Chemical Romance: "Vlodemort" and the "Death Dealers" disguise themselves as them on more than one occasion.
    • Which they did by using masks. Yes, in this fic, Voldemort gets his way with Scooby Doo SPAIH tactics.
  • Mister Seahorse: "'ABRA KEDAVRA!' Vampire yelled pointing his womb."
  • My Girl Is Not A Slut: One of the excessive number of author notes pretty much says it just like that. Averted in that in spite of the author's claims, Ebony really is a slut (come on... just randomly screwing "Vampire" Potter in the middle of a crowd, even though she hated him, for no real reason?).
    • Not to mention that she gave out on the first date...and with three different guys.
    • Reverse lampshading (also known as denial):
    You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.
    • If you need to argue about it, you are not making a very strong case for yourself.
  • Names To Run Away From Really Fast: used for the heroine.
  • Narm: All of it. Yes, every single word
    • Some scenes manage to achieve Narm^2.
  • Narm Charm: Why we read this story.
  • Negative Continuity
  • Nightmare Fuel: A literal interpretation of many passages in this story will give you a rather disturbing mental picture. "He put his boys thingie in mine", coming from EBONY, anyone?
  • Nightmare Retardant: Again, the chapter with the "XTREMLY SCRAY" disclaimer.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: Britney, described as a "stupid preppy fucker".
  • No Ending: Tara's account was hacked into twice. The first put up a parody Death Fic as chapter 39 where Ebony dies and canon and sanity are restored. The second attempt locked Tara out completely, meaning that the story abruptly ends when Ebony is about to kill Voldemort.
  • Obligatory Swearing: Again, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
  • Oh My Gods: "Oh my Satan" is used a number of times by the Satanist characters.
  • Our Vampires Are Different: Vampirism seems to be relatively meaningless here.
    • Apparently they can be killed by a cross (a word which Enoby even refuses to say, except when she doesn't) or by a steak (so they should avoid restaurants and butcher's shops).
    • Harry "Vampire" Potter is apparently not a vampire, he just likes the taste of blood.
  • Out Of Character: EVERYONE except possibly Enoby herself.
  • Overly Long Name: Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Enough said.
  • Paedo Hunt: Snape and Lupin are sent to "St. Mango's" because
    they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.
    • Except they aren't. We're told they're being sent to St. Mungo's Mango's and then they just never leave the school with no explanation.
    • Tara Wall Bangingly Ret Cons Wormtail's Snaketail's age just so he can proposition Ebony without being a paedo. Because we all care so much that a murderous Death Eater Dealer who appears in one scene not cross that line.
  • Pale Skinned Brunette: Ebony. Part of being an incredibly obvious Mary Sue.
    • A majority of the characters, from Willow, Vampire, B'loody Mary...
  • Point Of View: Primarily told in first-person, but very briefly switches to second-person in Chapter 37.
  • Plot: Thoroughly averted.
  • Possession Sue: Draco just reeks of this.
  • Power Perversion Potential: Broomsticks as a peeping tom platform.
  • Present Day Past: Made even worse by author's notes talking about it. Tara's friend Raven provides the page quote.
  • Psychic Powers: Ebony and Harry's precognition abilities. (Guess whose power is stronger).
    • Not to mention Voldemort knowing about Ebony and Draco's relationship thanks to "telekinesis."
    • And presumably whatever allowed Enoby and B'loody Mary to talk to each other in silence whilst watching Das niteMARE b4 xmas.
  • Punctuation Shaker: Usually you'd use an apostrophe to indicate that a letter was dropped. Nope. Just look at those character names.
  • Purple Prose: She spends entire paragraphs meticulously describing every last detail of her dress code. Ad nauseam.
  • PWP: There's sort of a plot, but it's mostly an Excuse Plot and doesn't really show up until at least twenty chapters in.
  • Ralph Wiggum (If it isn't a parody, the author.)
  • Random Events Plot
  • Rape Is The New Dead Parents: The fic manages to combine rape and dead parents in a typically off-hand manner.
    It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.
    • Stanism? Stanism? Stanism? STANISM?
    • No, Stan—the accountant in Oregon to whom Crow T. Robot accidentally sold his soul.
    • So their dad cut his wrists with a razor, then raped the wounds?
      • No, he raped them and stuff, and then cut his wrists. I have no idea how that works, though.
    • Just wanted to break in and say that the unintentional substitution of 'masticating' for 'masturbating' creates a whole new image — okay, so they stand around their offices....chewing?
    • The...... SCENERY! Om Nom Nom Nom Nom...
  • Real Life Writes The Plot: The single chapter rename of the main character and expulsion of "Willow" was due to some falling out between Tara and Raven in real life.
  • Ret Con: A ton, each more Wallbangery than the last... as in this example:
    Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )
  • Reverse Funny Aneurysm: "Evony", anyone?
  • Romantic Plot Tumor: Most of the "plot" is focused on a HarryVampire/Ebony/Draco Love Triangle. Even Voldemort forcing Ebony to kill "Vampire" is treated as though it were simply a complication to all the romantic drama.
  • Rouge Angles Of Satin: Is freakin' MADE OF THIS TROPE. Including the main character's name, misspelt half the time as "Enoby".
    • This actually provides some of the most compelling evidence as to this story's likely status as a parody. Not once Only once, probably by accident, is Sirius's name spelled correctly, but every time the word "seriously" appears, it is rendered as "siriusly"—no exceptions.
    • "We started frenching passively".
    • "I gosped... Snap had a cideo camera and Loopin was masticating to it!"
      • And the above "sentence" is made even funnier by the fact that 'masticating' is a fancy word for...chewing.
      • "Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera."
      • "Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke."
      • "Draco and Vampire came to contort me."
      • "I want to shit next to her!1"
      • Possibly one of the worst examples: ""Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?""
      • "yelled" is spelled as "yielded" almost every time.
    • Some of these examples could be explained by an auto-correction feature in a word processor that would assume a misspelled word is actually a different word than intended. Considering she can't even get her own name right, it's unlikely that she would have been able to spell "masticated" or "constipated" properly without auto-correction, for example, regardless of whether or not she meant something else.
  • Sadistic Choice: As mentioned, the flimsy plot hinges primarily on Voldemort giving Ebony the choice between her killing Vampire or him killing both Vampire and Draco (no effort is made to explain why he's bothering to do it this way). There's also the sequence in Chapter 30 when Snape Snap, having taken Ebony, Draco and Vampire captive, shows Ebony the "Dork Mark on his you-know-wut" and threatens to "rap Draco!1" if Ebony doesn't stab Vampire Vrompire (Ebony's agonising over the decision primarily revolves around which of them is the more "smexy"). Neither of these are followed up on.
  • Screw The Rules, I'm Beautiful!: Ebony, of course, although she's only "beautiful" by the standards of this 'verse.
  • Selective Squick: Tara refuses to refer to her Ebony's Enoby's vagina as other than "my you-know-what" or "my thingie", but does not skimp on introducing anal sex, rape, anal rape, torture, etc.
  • Serious Business: The "preps" vs. "goffs" conflict seems to be equal to—nay, synonymous with—that canonical good vs. evil thing.
  • Sequelitis: The original is considered by some to be So Bad Its Good, but My Immortal 2 is just plain painful.
    • All of the sequels were in fact parodies - Tara didn't write any of them. This shows that, no matter how hard many may try, none can match Ms. Gilesbie's literary... um, achievement.
  • Shaped Like Itself: "I started to cry and cry."
    • And you'll never see this twist coming - "He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was...... Voldemort!"
  • Snark Bait: Possibly more so than anything else on this wiki, even Twilight.
  • Snow Means Love: Ebony and Draco first spoke when it was snowing. Most likely just a coincidence.
    • Snowing AND raining!
    • So it was sleeting?
  • So Bad You Keep Reading Because Your Brain Refuses To Accept That Anything This Bad Could Possibly Exist
    • Reading this fanfic is like activating a machine that fires cement blocks at your forehead. Each time you hit the "next chapter" button, the impact nearly knocks you from your seat and threatens to turn your brain into chunky salsa. Yet you keep pushing that button, partly out of the knowledge that (assuming you survive) you can only emerge stronger after this ordeal, partly out of respect for the twisted craftsmanship behind the hideous construct, and partly out of the mistaken belief that the next cement block couldn't possibly hurt as bad as the last one.
      • That, or you keep pushing it due to excessive brain damage.
    • The only thing more mind-poisoning than this is CWC's Sonichu.
  • So Beautiful, It's A Curse: Ebony, of course.
    "Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here?...Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!"
  • So Cool Its Awesome: It's a Pot Hole.
    • It's stated so nobody thinks I actually like it.
  • Spiritual Successor: Several attempts have cropped up, none quite living up up down down left right left right B A to the original. "Ebony In Hogbort" is one example, notable in that it attempts to ramp the Wangst Up To Eleven by claiming Author Existence Failure, a story which didn't entirely convince a Deadpan Snarker in the review section who asked whether the cause was sunlight, holy water or a stake. Entertainingly, it also claims to be written in Farsi and star Aberforth Dumbledore and Zacharias Smith.
    • Shouldn't that be Steak?
  • Stealth Parody: The only positive interpretation of the 'fic. Unfortunately, a frighteningly-accurate parody of truly execrable fan fic can be hard to distinguish from a truly execrable fan fic.
  • Stealth Pun: If it's intentional, Tara writes in a character based on her "gf (ew not in that way)" and names her "Willow."
    • "“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111).” Serious said 2 Snape." — So, yes, it was intentional.
  • Tag Team Suicide: Almost happened with Ebony and Draco.
  • Take That: To reviewers. ("U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?")
    • Argubly "Tara Gilispie" and this story can be looked at as a Take That to us and Intenet Culture and the english language and reality in genral.
    • Assuming it's a parody, it may be a hugely brilliant Take That at self-righteously "unconventional" teenagers who look down on anyone they regard as "mainstream" despite the fact that they themselves are still conforming, only to a different group. Ebony is this sort of snobbery taken Up To Eleven, to the point where she can only see the world in terms of "goffs" and "preps". In her world, "goffiness" is the only quality which human beings can be judged by and anyone who fails to meet her standards is a "prep" by default. And, of course, all the "goff" stuff she likes is actually pretty mainstream, just less obviously "preppy", emphasizing her hypocrisy.
  • Tears Of Blood
  • That Came Out Wrong: "Draco and I came. It was…….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!" .....Okay, either the reveal was really exciting (it wasn't) or those two really need to stop having sex at the first chance. It's seriously getting out of hand. Too bad she didn't learn the first time she did it and used "X came" lines multiple times, for no real purpose, or used her spelling to add the wrongness:
    "Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts."
    "“Oh he’s bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn’t cum.” Vampire said shaking his hed. “U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?”"
  • That Makes Me Feel Angry: Ebony/Tara: "I was so mad and sad."
  • There Are No Therapists: The only way of dealing with life-changing trauma in the MIverse is to become goffik and/or commit suicide.
  • Theres No B In Movie: One of Ebony's favourite films is apparently the infamous Shark Attack 3, a film almost as lovably idiotic as the fic she stars in. Needless to say, this is in keeping with the inconsistency of her supposed personal culture: Shark Attack 3 does not have even the remotest connection to "goffickness".
  • Timey Wimey Ball: The point where the fanfic loses anything resembling coherence.
    • Chapter 11!
      • Was it really coherent that far in? I always felt that point was hit somewhere around chapter 4, at the latest.
  • Wallbanger: Oh gods, do you even have to ask? Complements the Brain Bleach quite nicely.
    • With this fic, it would probably be more effective to ask what is not a Wall Banger.
  • Thirty Sue Pileup: Let us count the ways...
    • Parody Sue: Depends on whether Gilesbie's a troll or not — if so, one of the best examples.
    • Relationship Sue: From the first chapter, Enoby leeches onto Draco and never lets go.
    • Sympathetic Sue: Ebony constantly whines about how hard her life is.
    • Tsundere Sue: She has quite the potty mouth and spends a lot of time yelling at everybody, insulting her friends for no reason, and on occasion laughing at others' misfortunes. But everybody still wants to be around her.
    • Anti Sue: She seems weak and useless...
    • God Mode Sue: ...until she kills Voldermort.
    • Villain Sue: Ebony can be interpreted this way.
    • Fixer Sue: No, Harry, you're supposed to be bisexual!
    • Black Hole Sue: The entire castle and all its residents are distorted to fit Ebony's views of the world.
    • About the only form of Mary Sue which Ebony doesn't fit is Purity Sue/Mary Sue Classic. Naturally, Tara tries to use this to "prove" Ebony isn't a Mary Sue.
  • Troll Fic: Possibly.
  • Undead Tax Exemption: After Ebony goes back in time, she declares that she's a new student and that she's in Slytherin. No one questions this.
  • The Untwist: If you didn't see this one coming, you must not have been paying attention at all:
    “Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…………………………………………………………………..Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”
  • Unusually Uninteresting Sight: At one point, Draco bursts into the Potions dungeon in the middle of a class naked. It's implied that he did not even have underwear on or make an effort to cover himself. No one cares. (And why weren't Ebony and Draco in class anyway?)
  • Very Special Episode: "c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus!"
    • The rly sris issus in question are paedophilia in American schools. Even though Harry Potter is set in Scotland.
      • And of course that in American English it would be "pedophilia."
      • And that it wouldn't be p(a)edophilia anyway because Ebony, the "victim", is seventeen and therefore not biologically or legally (under UK law at least) a child. Perhaps unintentionally, it becomes an Informed Flaw.
      • And another example of Creator Provincialism, since 18 is the U.S. age of consent.
      • And even this isn't universally the case since the age of consent is a state issue.
      • And in most states it's actually 16. It's 18 in California and New York, which is probably why everyone thinks it's 18 everywhere.
  • Villain Protagonist: Arguable.
  • Wangst: Ebony. Constantly. Whines.
    • And this gem from Draco:
    "No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: Apparently, vampires can't even write the word Cross. They sometimes not only forget this but wear cross earrings. Not only that, but they're also vulnerable to "steak."
  • What Do You Mean Its Not Awesome: Tara describes getting dressed with as much care and attention to detail (by her standards, anyway) as other writers describe epic battle sequences.
  • What Happened To The Mouse: Spartacus appears in one sentence...and is never mentioned again.
    • Dobby makes a tiny cameo and never appears again. Professor McGoogle's last appearance was rather early, and Tom Bombidol even comes for a moment.
    • Spartacus was a misspelling for Sirius - which means there's a pretty good chance this is a Troll Fic.
    • basically, anybody in My Immortal whose first name is Tom is Tom Riddle.
      • Except Tom Rid, who is a perfectly non-genocidal shop assistant. Yeah, get your head around that one.
  • Why Dont Ya Just Shoot Him: In chapter 23, Voldemort confronts Ebony, Vampire, and Draco. Voldemort Darth Valer, tells Ebony that she has failed her mission and that now he will kill her and Vampire. Ebony says "Plz don't make me kill him plz!. Voldemort's response is this. "No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling. Really, Voldemort could have just killed Ebony, Draco, and Vampire. Why would Ebony saying no, prevent him from killing them all on the spot.
  • Word Of God: Authors' notes pop up in most chapters, mostly to criticise reviewers as "preps," and excuse her spelling problems and mischaracteriation. One note in Chapter 6 reveals that Dumbledore's swearing is the result of him having a headache.
  • Writer On Board: See Author Filibuster
  • Yaoi Fangirl: Tara interrupts the narrative several times to mention how hot gay/bi men are.
    • Oddly, she insults her reviewers by calling them "gay fags" in the author's notes. And after Evony finds out that Draco has slept with Vampire, she thinks he must have AIDS AIDs!
      • What? How dare you accuse Tara of being a homophone!
  • Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe: Voldemort speaks in this. Nobody really knows why.
  • You Fail Biology Forever: Willow is described as being "thin enough to be anorexic" but having "really big bobs" - physically impossible, of course, but then again, the author is just trying to use a Mary Sue for Wish Fulfillment in two conflicting ways.
    • No, if she had really big BOOBS it would be implausible (though not actually impossible, breast implants existed in The80s, breasts do sometimes grow that way— looks like you have some summer school ahead as well, and Enoby is hardly qualified to diagnose eating disorders anyway). She just has two large friends named Robert who follow her around.
    • Far from impossible. This troper knows a girl that has quite a bosom and is anorexic.
    • Also, look at this lovely string of words: "I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC." Now I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure wrist wounds don't work like other wounds...
  • You Fail Logic Forever: Big time. Begins with Good Charlotte (a muggle band) playing in Hogsmeade, a wizard-only town. Goes down from there.
    • If you are from the future, you can't get hurt? And if you use something that didn't exist yet, then it won't work?
      • And still, Past! VolVlodemort somehow knows when things will happen in the future.
      • A particularly bad one involving time travel - While in the past, Ebony slips "Satan" some "amnesia potion", which doesn't work because "it hasn't been invented yet". And Ebony found said potion in the past. Try to make sense of that.
    • And then there's the somewhat bizarre fact that while most of the characters in this mess are "satinitz", the main antagonist (Volxemoart) is also referred to numerous times as "Satan." Meaning that their enemy and hero are in fact quite openly the same person.
      • This could be yet another confusing nickname (for example, "Vampire" Potter is apparently not actually a vampire, he just likes the taste of blood. In contrast to several other characters who are actual vampires. Why does he have this nickname?) It does seem odd, but what doesn't in this fic?
      • Also, Voldemort is pretty much dark, which by the standards of the story it should mean he would be on the side of the "goffs", not of the preps. At least Snape if reffered to as opting for a "preppy" wardrobe!
  • You Fail Sex Ed Forever: And I quote: "He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation."
    • This troper is a virgin who has never seen any porn and even she thinks something is terribly, terribly wrong with the ... order of events there.
    • How constant is this use of passively as an ironic adverb?
      • The characters occasionally French kiss passively, something one would have thought was impossible.
      • It is possible but only if the kiss is one-sided.
    • Wouldn't that mean "I screamed inactively as he belched"?
    • Took the word right out of my mouth. Gods, this fic is an Engrish-lover's wet dream....
    • And this bit is almost as good: "Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. “OMFG Draco Draco!” I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep."
    • "We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)"
      • So, both of those technically mean she has a ... what? Why? And another one fits inside? Is this even written by a human being?
    • OH GOD!!!!! THE HORROR!!!
    • This fic might ''not'' have been written--or, at least, narrated--by a human. Perhaps Ebony is more than she appears....
  • Your Head A Splode: Reading this fic in one sitting (at least, while sober) is not recommended, as this could be the result.

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