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Fan Fic: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"Dobby relished his groinsaw's roar as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from the astronaut's ruined skull. He turned to Harry, thrusting his bloody, retina-covered pelvis with elfin fervor."
The very first line

There are some Fan Fics that you won't forget. This is one of them. It's a Harry Potter fanfic, just like My Immortal. It's So Bad, It's Good, just like My Immortal, it has extreme Canon Defilement, just like My Immortal. However, the two are different in one key detail: whereas My Immortal was (ostensibly) written by a Wangsty 13 year old girl, this was (ostensibly) written by an insane 13 year old boy; as one reviewer describes it, it is like "enter[ing] an amalgamation of the mindsets of David Lynch and Richard Chase." So, instead of goffic sorrow and vampires, we get groinsaws and demonic astronauts in the very first sentence. Instead of various emo goff bands playing every night in the same wizard town for no apparent reason, we get Fuckslayer, a guitar from a dimension where all screamed for naught, wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals. And yes, that is a direct quote.

What the hell are we talking about? Why, Thirty Hs of course. "Thirty Hs" isn't actually the fanfic's name; like everyone's favorite Eldritch Abomination, it's just shorter and easier to remember than its real name of HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, and can be pronounced without first contracting bronchitis.

Has a wonderfully disturbing Dramatic Reading of the first five chapters. Also has an incredibly hammy reading of the first six chapters, the seventh, the eighth, and the ninth by prolific dramatic reader, manwithoutabody. And another reading of chapters one through seven was produced by Pamachu. In addition, Jake Englishs Mysterious Theater Of Scientific Romance From The Year 3000 has done an MST, which you can see here. This fic also has an Unlimited HHHHHHHHHH Works chant.

Also, the guy who wrote it does stuff with puppets. It's about what you'd expect it to be.

''Thirty Hs'' provides examples of:

  • Action Prologue: Begins with Harry and Dobby, wearing "space armour" adorned with groinsaws and lightning-spitting skulls, fighting astronauts from hell. It only gets better from there.
  • Aerith and Bob: The names of the Inquisitors - Ignatius and Billy.
  • All Just a Dream: Chapter 9 is a daydream from Harry's imagination. It's almost normal compared to the madness of the real life events, though still quite bizarre.
  • Animate Inanimate Object: There are many of them.
  • Artistic License - Biology: Best not to think too hard about how something like a rape ape can exist, unless you want to go stark raving mad.
  • Artistic License - Physics: No, there was never a license. It was the fart of a firefly turned into a ravenous beast, shredding all those in its path, as Harry reached from an atom and split it, killing the fuck out of the beast.
  • Batman Can Breathe in Space: In the second chapter, Harry flies through space on a meteor, with no explanation as to how he can breathe. This may be the least ridiculous thing about the fic.
  • Beeping Computers: In the laboratory of the strange old man and his toothpick weasel, there are computers that serve no purpose beyond soft hums and blinking lights.
  • Behind a Stick: Rape Radbury appears "from behind nothing much". Yet, he's ten feet tall...
  • Black Comedy Rape: The rape ape and Rape Radbury. The astronauts in the first chapter wind up getting raped by demonic spheres in hell.
  • Blatant Lies: This fic is tagged under Angst/Romance, and the characters as Bellatrix Lestrange and Seamus Finnigan.
  • Blue and Orange Morality: None of what Harry or any other character in the fic does seem to follow a set of morals, if they even had some in the first place.
  • Groinsaw Good
  • Cluster F-Bomb: "Fuck" appears more than any other word. Curiously, "fuck" in its literal sense is replaced by "faggart".
  • Corrupt Church
  • Couldn't Find a Pen - so Wahooley tore off his penis just to use it as a pen.
    He used it to tear off his penis and write the 13 commandments of America upon a passing eagle, in cock's blood.
  • Cow Tools: There are explicitly machines that have no purpose except for blinking lights and soft hums in the laboratory.
  • Crack Fic: And how!
  • Crapsack World: The ecology of Surf Ninja Moon X is decimated to the point that the only food left is a cabbage (which was actually cartilage) and mustard sandwich. Which is promptly eaten by Harry.
  • Creepy Crossdresser: Harry wears women's underpants. So do the inquisitors. Because of this, they realize they're all men of the Lord.
  • Dark Is Not Evil: Neither Rape Radbury nor the Eldritch Abomination posing as a scientist seem to be particularly awful people. Then again, anyone looks less awful when Harry is around.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: A borderline example in the line "We are bound in this ligature of lingam, Brother Rape Ape." 'Ligature' and 'lingam' both mean 'symbol', although 'lingam' is often used to refer specifically to phallic symbols. It is the rape ape, after all.
  • Disintegrator Ray: Dobby's armor fires a beam of light at one of the astronauts, boiling his flesh in another dimension.
  • Dissimile: "Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading."
  • Eagleland: Mentioned in the eighth chapter, now turned into some sort of phallus-based hellhole founded in blood. If you can understand what the five Presidents are doing, our hats are off to you, you patriotic (and insane) patriot.
  • Earth-Shattering Kaboom: Harry "kills the fuck out of" two planets during the course of the story, and Dumblecop kicks another one in half.
  • Everything's Better With Rape Apes
  • Everything's Wicked With Weasels: The bald weasel with toothpicks for legs.
  • Evil Weapon: Fuckslayer is a particularly unholy example; it's made out of angel menstrual blood, the horns of Satan and his generals, and heaven itself. Harry stores it in a dimension where all screams for naught. It can also destroy planets.
  • Eye Scream: In the first chapter.
    "How does Ronnie Ron taste, master?"
    Harry spat out an eyeball. "Like some kid with eyes."
    • Dobby's groinsaw is covered in retinas at this time.
  • Faggarting a Sun is Depraved:
    Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles?
  • Fiction 500: Rape Radbury, who "has more money than anyone".
  • Five-Token Band: Parodied with a 5.8 Token Band which has "an array of genders and races that would leave no one unhappy, save for the Eskimos."
  • Follow the Leader: It's spawned a few imitators.
  • For the Evulz: Apparently Harry's motivation, though he doesn't really seem to get a kick out of it. In fact, he seems more annoyed by the insanity than anything else, such as having him harassed by Rape Radbury, being bound by a Rape Ape and left alone as the children of all different nations and ethnicities (save the Eskimos) bind with the Rape Ape to spread amongst the stars, and being harassed by a weasel with toothpicks for legs.
  • Gag Penis: The Rape Ape's body is apparently made up entirely of these.
  • Groin Attack: The groinsaw probably counts as a bizarre inversion.
    • President Wahooey tore off his penis and wrote an America with it.
  • Holy Fuckfire: Harry can encase his fists as well as meteors in it, in order to better kill the fuck out of things.
  • Highly-Visible Ninja: "The silent killers of the night had negated their innate advantage by only plying their craft on surf boards. During the day."
  • Humanoid Abomination:
  • I Call It Vera: Fuckslayer, Harry's unholy guitar.
  • I Have Many Names: Dumbledore's name is different every time.
    "I am no longer Scrumblegort." The ancient man dropped some of the planets he was juggling. "The worlds have shifted. I am Dumblecop, of the Darkmeal."
  • I'm a Humanitarian: Harry is implied to have eaten Ron... although he spits out the eyes.
  • Impossibly Cool Weapon: Harry's guitar, Fuckslayer, hewn from the horns of Satan's Generals, and powered by angels' menstrual blood that boils as it plays. It summons planet-killing asteroids.
  • Incendiary Exponent: Holy fuckfire. For when you absitively, posolutely have to kill the fuck out of everything. Accept no substitutes.
  • Inherently Funny Words: Groinsaws, fuckfire, rape ape, chumpits.
  • In Medias Res: It starts with a battle between Harry, Dobby and demonic astronauts, which, like everything else, has nothing to do with anything and is never explained.
  • In Name Only: Literally, the only similarities with Harry Potter are the names of Harrry, Dobby, Ron and Dumbledore (only the first time). There' s one mention of Hogwarts getting destroyed by Harry.
    • Increasingly more in the eighth chapter, where Harry isn't even mentioned and the only link to Harry Potter is a single mention of "Severus Snapplebottom". The ninth chapter at least mentions him, but only once to say he's daydreaming the events of his section.
  • Insane Troll Logic
    • Take the following sentence:
      Harry: Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them.
    • All the Presidents of the LAND OF AMERICA, one of whom scratches out a list of COMMANDMENTS OF AMERICA from cock's blood. Don't ask about it making sense, just obey.
  • Instant Awesome Just Add Surf Ninja
  • Kill 'em All: Harry's objective. Notable in that he has done so several times.
    Harry: Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them.
  • Killed Off for Real: Harry has killed everyone in the Universe several times, yet Dobby has yet to reappear since Harry chopped his head off.
  • Knight Templar: Harry is tortured by some highly unexpected inquisitors, until they all realize they're men of the Lord.
  • Last of His Kind: A rape ape. No, THE rape ape. The last of his kind after the subjugation of the rapeforest.
  • Lawyer-Friendly Cameo: "Rape Radbury", who writes critically acclaimed fiction that always turns into fact and has more money than anyone.
  • Leg Cannon: Dumblecop's leg is made of pistols. However, he doesn't shoot with it, preferring to kick planets in half.
  • Lighter and Softer: Chapter 9, while still utterly bizzare and filled with violent sexual imagery, has a much more cheery style and is almost entirely about Rainbows and Chocolate. It helps that Harry isn't present for most of this.
  • Lower Deck Episode: Harry takes a break from Fuckslaying to let the Presidents take prominence in chapter eight.
  • Makes Just as Much Sense in Context: Nothing that happens in this fic makes any sense at all.
  • The Men in Black: The old man in the seventh chapter could be interpreted as this, seeing as he's in a laboratory and he has the apparent power to control Harry. He also seems scientific and addresses Harry as "a son". There's also quite a bit of Eldritch Abomination thrown into the mix, seeing as he can remove his own head.
  • Mind Screw: Don't try to make sense of whatever plot it has, just relish in it.
  • New Powers as the Plot Demands: Harry. Then again he might have had them since whenever he became a demonic spawn Physical God.
  • Nineties Anti-Hero: Harry is a hilariously over-the-top example.
  • Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: Many and varied. Vampire Cavemen on Mars stands out as something you've likely never heard before.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: Rape Radbury.
  • Non-Indicative Name
    • The Rape Ape never actually rapes anyone, and neither does Rape Radbury.
    • The Moonbase is specifically not on the moon.
  • Omnicidal Maniac: After killing everybody in the universe, Harry admonishes Dumbledore to conserve food, otherwise they'll starve, and no one will be around to revive them just to kill them again.
  • Our Vampires Are Different: In the second chapter, we get astral vampires which are able to bite even when only their head remains, causing vampire cavemen on Mars when Harry throws the heads back into time to Mars, where, er, they bite cavemen.
  • Parody Sue: Harry, who is also a God-Mode Sue and a Villain Sue.
  • Physical God:
    • Harry, to the point that he can do absolutely anything the writer needs him to do in order to have epic descriptions of whatever the hell is going on in the story. He can see sub-atomic particles by squinting, and somehow killed the fuck out of Mercury (not the god, the actual planet), and then killed the fuck out of Venus with Mercury's carcass.
    • There's also Dumblecop of the Darkmeal, who kicks a planet in half, for no apparent reason, just because he can. With a leg, made out of pistols.
  • Power Metal: Used in manwithoutabody's Dramatic Reading.
  • The Power of Rock: Fuckslayer.
    Dumbledore: Harry, you must rock the fuck out.
  • President Evil
    • Possibly the President of Pangea, who hangs out with omnicidal god Dumbledorp.
    • Possibly the five Presidents.
  • Purple Prose: The fic may read like the ramblings of a Talkative Loon, but at least he's an eloquent one.
  • Random Events Plot: That's putting it lightly.
  • Rated M for Manly: Fuck yes.
  • Rule of Cool: There is absolutely zero logical plot progression, however, there are legs made out of pistols, vampire caveman on Mars and a cursed book with pages MADE OUT OF LASERS and words made out of dragons, made out of motorcycles, making godless love to headless women.
  • Satiating Sandwich: Subverted — Harry does not like the "cabbagewich", which might explain why it was the last piece of food on the planet of Surf Ninjas.
  • Scary Impractical Armor: Dobby's "elfin space armor" has skulls on the shoulders and a groinsaw.
  • Serial Escalation: It's THAT over-the-top and tops itself many times throughout the chapters.
  • Set Right What Once Went Wrong: Inverted.
    Harry then did fly his meteor through space, [DragonForce starts playing] punching astral vampires in half with his fists encased in fuckfire and throwing their ruined heads into the past where they bit cavemen on mars so that history changed and now there are vampire cavemen on mars.
  • Shaped Unlike Itself: Dumbledore calls Harry from his Moonbase which isn't on a moon.
  • Shoulder Cannon: Dobby has a skull on his space armor's shoulders capable of shooting bolts of light out of its eyes.
  • Shout-Out:
    • Harry steals the last sandwich from a planet of Surf Ninjas.
    • The 5.8 children with the Rape Ape might be a reference to the 0.58 child from The Phantom Tollbooth.
    • The seventh chapter may have been influenced by Pokémon, in a deranged sort of way.
    • The first four chapters follow something resembling a logical narrative, albeit a completely deranged one. The fifth chapter, however, begins with a group of inquisitors torturing Harry, apropos of absolutely nothing at all, and ends on a similar Non Sequitur. One might say that no-one expected it.
  • Sinister Geometry: Demonic spheres, who rape you, boys and girls.
  • Sir Not-Appearing-in-This-Trailer: Inverted. The fic is listed under the characters "Bellatrix L. & Seamus F.", neither of whom are even mentioned in the actual story.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: The natural intersection of ludicrously Purple Prose and a Cluster F-Bomb. Definitely intentional.
    Dumblecop: Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles?
  • Space Base: Fumbledorp has a moon base, but it's not on a moon. Considering everything else that happens it wouldn't be surprising if he built himself a Death Star.
  • Spot of Tea: Chumblebort offers Harry tea and "chumpits." Harry declines, as he hates chumpits.
  • Super Sex Organs:
    • Dobby's groinsaw. The title card to the manwithoutabody version (used as the article image on this page) also gives Harry one.
    • The fifth president's form of an infinite grid of squares with vaginas on every one of them.
  • Surreal Horror: The seventh chapter involves warped turtles, bald ferrets with toothpicks for legs, a glass of thumb-water, and the head of an Eldritch Abomination on a spike.
  • Launching Your Groinsaw From Your Crotch Always Works
  • Tomato Surprise: The cabbage and mustard sandwich Harry finds turns out to be cartilage and mustard halfway into the chapter.
  • Too Dumb to Live: The Surf Ninjas of Surf Ninja Moon X, who ate everything in their planet and left one crappy sandwich.
  • Took a Level in Badass: Harry, Scrumblecorn, Dobby.
  • Trailers Always Lie: Similar to the above mentioned pairing between characters who never appear in the fic, the fic is categorized as "Angst/Romance". The summary, on the other hand, is a fairly honest representation of a few of the events in this fic, which is otherwise virtually impossible to summarize.
  • Troll Fic: If it's not, the author is probably in a mental institution. Surprisingly for this sort of thing, the author uses proper punctuation, spelling, and grammar. It's somehow better simply because readers don't have to wade through hundreds of misspellings and misplaced commas everywhere.
  • Unfortunate Names: Rape Radbury.
  • Unusual Weapon Mounting: Dobby's Groinsaw.
  • Villain Protagonist: Harry — so evil he distorts reality. The closest one gets to a proper antagonist is the rape ape, who apparently shackled Harry, and the "scientist" in the seventh chapter, who has apparently imprisoned him in a foul-smelling pit within his nose.
  • What Happened to the Mouse?: Dumbledore completely disappears from the story after Chapter 3.
  • Word Salad Philosophy: The 13 commandments that make up the American cockstitution.
  • World of Badass: Most of the characters featured appear to have the powers of either Eldritch Abominations or Physical Gods.
  • X Meets Y: Various interpretations
  • Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe: Dumblecop, but only for one instance. See Sophisticated as Hell.
  • You Are Number Six: The 5.8 children are treated as such.
  • Your Vagina A Splode: Harry makes "Every vagina in the galaxy explode" after killing the fuck out of Venus, and inside every vagina a booby sang of mortal life's fleeting precipice.


Thinking In Little Green BoxesFanWorks/Harry PotterThe Thorny Rose

alternative title(s): Thirty Hs; HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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