C'mon. Do I really look like the bad guy here?
"When I opened the Vault and destroyed the Destroyer inside — ironic, I know! — I had a Hyperion weapon in my hand. When I cleaned up the frontier and burned that bandit settlement of New Haven to the ground, it was a Hyperion pistol I held in my fist. And goddamned every day as I watch over this planet, as its protector, as its champion, and as its hero, it's Hyperion firearms I put my trust in. Hell, that's why I bought the goddamn company in the first place. This is Handsome Jack, and I'm signing off on Hyperion! What do you guys think? Accent too much?"
— Me, convincing you to buy Hyperion guns. And grenades. And bulletproof shields, and ad sattelites and nuclear-powered rocket launchers and tanks and spaceships and...
Hey there kiddos, Handsome Jack here! Savior of Pandora, bringer of civilization, all that crap. I thought it was high time I finally decided to grace this site with my own person. Which, I gotta admit, is a pretty damn amazing thing to look at.
You see, I've got a simple goal - to make Pandora a better place. Ignore those rumors about me tapping into the planet to awaken some unholy Eridian terror, those are just lies being spread by filthy bandits trying to discredit my efforts. The only reason I'm doing it is to try and find the vault in order to make sure that Pandora's safe. You know, for civilized people. Not for those morons living in Sanctuary who prefer getting by on the skin of their teeth rather than try and join society like other normal folk would.
I was gonna put up my own little backstory here, but there's, ah, not much to really talk about. My name isn't John, no matter who says it - try it, and you're gonna find yourself strangled. Not choked, strangled. There's a difference.
And by the way, to whoever the hell took so damn long to make this freakin' page, I'd like to see you in my office. And the rest of you better get to work on fixing this page up! And make it sound like me!
Wait, what the hell? That psycho bandit who can't stop talking about riding bikes made of meat got a page here too?
Some basic crap you need to know about me
- Abusive Parents: I was protecting my Angel! It's a bandit smear campaign! Emphasis on "smear".
- Oh! Maybe you were talking about my grandma? Yeah, she was totally the worst.
- A.I. Is a Crapshoot: One of my followers decided to make one of these based on me, who then went on to DESTROY MY MOON BASE!! *NO ONE* DESTROYS MY MOON BASE!!!
- Diagnosed by the Audience: "Disorder"? What are you talking about? Let me read that... "Borderline Personality Disorder"
? What kind of crackpot hack came up with that? - Arm Cannon: Oh yeah, my wrist-mounted blasters! I like to think they're a hell of a lot classier than any of the guns I actually sell. When you're the head of Hyperion, you keep the best gadgets for yourself!
- Bad Boss: Someone's itchin' to get strangled...
- Benevolent Boss: That's more like it. Just ask Athena, Nisha, Wilhelm, Claptra- Uh, actually you know what, just Athena. She and I had a good business relationship before I got promoted to head of Hyperion, I gotta watch after my own team after all.
- Beard Of GLORY!: Used to have one. Now I make do with this little stapler thingy on my mask. Now Tassiter, he had a Beard of Evil. After I killed him I used it to pretend I was an evil version of myself. You know, like in that old show. About space, and stuff. What was it again?
- Believing Their Own Lies: Well, I lie. A LOT. But never to myself! THIS IS NOT AN EXAMPLE!!
- Berserk Button: BANDITS! And anyone who calls me "John". And those that hurt my Angel.
- Breakout Villain: Ok, first of all: Not a Villain. Second of all, if I were a villain, preferably of a hit million-dollar-worthy franchise beloved by many, then YES, I think I'd be pretty popular.
- Control Freak: CONTROL FREAK?! You just earned yourself a stranglin', bucko!
- Demoted to Extra: So Rhys handed my A.I. self to Blake and had me turned into a freaking gun based on freaking Tediore firmware. At least I get to kill bandits. Billions and billions of bandits, now calling themselves the Children of the Vault.
- Even Evil Has Loved Ones: My Angel. There's a reason I named her that, you know...
- Expy: Some wiseass here thinks I was cribbed off some anime-styled fighting game villain.
- There's also this Pavi Largo guy. According to that page I just linked, he's a "vain, dim-witted, effeminate rapist and womanizer who wears women's faces as masks." So, nothing like me. I mean, everyone knows I'm not dim-witted! Yeah? Yeah.
- And now I have one in the form of Katagawa Jr. Nice try kid, but you made a big mistake in making a deal with bandits of whatever they're calling themselves these days.
- Fantastic Racism: I friggin' hate those annoying Claptrap units! Lemme tell you, I did the galaxy of a favor when I wiped out their entire line.
- Has a Type: I love a lady with a nice hat. Moxxi, Nisha....
- Hero Antagonist: Yeah, I always thought it was super weird that in my game you play as a bunch of bandits trying to take down my empire instead of the hero who brought order to Pandora!
- Klingon Promotion: Who comes up with this stuff? Anyhoo I did Hyperion a favor by strangling the life out of Tassiter.
- Ain't Too Proud to Beg: *I* died fighting. My AI had to desecrate my legacy by begging for his non-life. Thanks a lot, Nakayama.
- Red Right Hand: If I were evil, then either my mask, my heterochromia, or the scar under my mask would qualify. But I'm not evil, so they're more akin to Face of a Thug than anything.
- Shameless Self-Promoter: Gotta give the people what they want, which is more of me!
- Villainous Legacy: Ironically, I posthumously banded all the bandits into one happy little family led by two fraternal Sirens note .
- My death left Hyperion scrambling to find a successor to my genius, which somehow led to, among other things, a bunch of stupid fanboys making and wearing facsimiles of my mask and an AI copy of myself riding shotgun inside the head of some no-name low-level programmer with delusions of grandeur. Boy, I leave for one second...
- I also had a casino and the customers are still trying to pay off their debt to me!
- The Worf Effect: You're telling me that even with Wilhelm or the Warrior at my disposal, I would still lose to those vodka-guzzling, ammo-wasting borscht peddlers/stroganoff jockeys from Vladof with their oversized tin toys?! I need a freaking drink...
- X Meets Y: Some people have made the comparison that I'm like a cross between Bruce Wayne and The Joker. I'm not sure whether I should be flatered or just strangle them to death. Y'knowhat, I'm just gonna go ahead and strangle them just in case.
What, you're leaving? But I've got so many more stories to tell! Ah, geez...
At least check out my cool games while you're at it! That's right, they're MY games. And no one else's. And somebody better bring me back for real in the third game! Wait, they did? YES! FINALLY! Gearbox finally gives their greatest villain the recognition he- wait, hold on. Rhys did what with the who now? Oh... oh, no...
