"EMMETT CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN I AM READING PROUST!!!!"
Once upon a time, the obsession known as Twilight was (and still is) a great source of parody around the Internet. Mid-2008, two LJ-ers by the names of saint_renegade and oxymoronassoc went on a RP-ing session that greatly exaggerated the characters of Twilight, especially Edward and Emmett Cullen.
Icons and approval abounded, and in total five RP-ing sessions were posted, one official batch of icons, and many, many, many quotes.
Can be read here
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Tropes:
- All Men Are Perverts/All Women Are Prudes: Edward assumes that the kinkier aspects of Emmett and Rosalie's relationship are all Emmett's idea, since Rosalie is "TOO PURE FOR SUCH THINGS."
- Awesome Mc Cool Name: "WE ARE NAMING OUR KID EMMETTALIE IF WE EVER GET ONE...BOY OR GIRL, THAT'S IT'S NAME. IT'LL KICK THIS KID'S ASS. THE MIDDLE NAME IS GOING TO BE BASEBALL, THOUGH."
- The Atoner: Edward becomes this whenever he breaks stuff.
- Auto Erotica: Edward is horrified to learn that Emmett and Rosalie have had sex in his car.
- Camp Straight: Edward is overemotional and campy as hell, but retains his canonical interest in Bella.
- Can't Hold Her Liquor: Bella, apparently. This is almost certainly just Edward overreacting again.
- Canon: In Midnight Sun (2020), it is revealed that the Cullens really do have family meetings. And Edward says himself in Breaking Dawn that he had a lot of time to pick up hobbies, since he wasn't involved with anyone.
- Character Exaggeration: Half—no, all—of the fun.
- Chivalrous Pervert: Emmett when he thinks Edward is raping Bella. "THERE ARE RULES."
- Comedic Sociopathy: Edward's tendencies toward stalking...and emotional abuse...and being pissy...
- Creepy Child: Renesmee. Emmett especially is creeped out by her power ("THAT KID IS CREEPY. I DON'T WANT TO SEE A PLAY BY PLAY OF HER DROOLING ON JACOB WHEN I AM TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME.") and the Wife Husbandry.DUDE YOUR KID IS LIKE 8 MONTHS OLD AND MAKING GOO-GOO EYES AT THE DOG. I DON'T LIKE IT.
- Digital Piracy Is Evil: "THESE PEOPLE HAVE TO FEED THEIR FAMILIES YOU KNOW"
- Dirty Mind-Reading: "YOUR MIND CONFUSES ME EMMETT, PLEASE GO BACK TO THINKING ABOUT FOOTBALL...NO! NO EMMETT I SAID FOOTBALL, MY GOODNESS. NO I DO NOT WONDER WHAT [BELLA] LOOKS LIKE NAKED"
- Emo Teen: Edward, to a ludicrous extent.he's EMOTIONAL, OK
JUST BECAUSE HE HAS FEELINGS - Family-Unfriendly Violence: How Edward sees Emmett's video-game habits.MUST YOU PISTOL WHIP EVERYONE, EMMETT?
- Freudian Excuse: "THESE YOUNG WOMEN HAVE OBVIOUSLY HAD A HARD LIFE SO THEY HAD TO SELL THEIR BODIES ON THE STREETS."
- Homemade Sweater from Hell: Edward knits to "to keep from strangling emmett".he'd like mutter to himself about being 'content with yourself' and shit while knitting
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF - I Am a Monster: Word for word when Edward breaks Emmett's stereo and LET HIS CONTROL SLIP. And again when he uses the word "dick."
- Ikea Erotica: "IT SEEMS PRETTY SIMPLE TO ME, EDWARD" "INSERT TAB A INTO SLOT B"
- Intercourse with You: "NO EMMETT I DO NOT THINK THAT SONG IS ABOUT COPULATION."
- The Internet Is for Porn: This too offends Edward.
- Ivy League for Everyone: At least according to Edward.WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT WANT AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION
EVERYONE WANTS AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION - Jerk Jock: Emmett.
- Murder Simulators: When Emmett changes the music in the Volvo of Justice from Nickelback to 50 Cent, Edward uses this argument.
- My Girl Is Not a Slut: "NO I DO NOT THINK SHE HAS HAD CARNAL RELATIONS WITH MIKE."
- My God, What Have I Done?: Word for word after he breaks the stereo when Emmett swaps his Death Cab for Cutie CDs with KISS.OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE
I WILL REPLACE IT
I WILL ATONE FOR THIS SIN
GOD IS TESTING ME - Neat Freak: Did you know Edward will scrub the grout on the bathroom with a toothbrush?THIS IS GROSS, HOW DO WE LIVE LIKE THIS?
- No Indoor Voice: All of Edward's lines ARE IN CAPITALS. Emmett's too.
- Most of the time. Sometimes the lines will revert to normal writing, which just makes it funnier when they go back to screaming at each other.
- No Periods, Period: Averted. Alice advises Bella on what to do for Edward's sake. And, y'know, Edward tracks Bella's periods.
- Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Emmett.
- Punctuated! For! Emphasis!: "JASPER I KNOW YOU ARE LAUGHING. I CAN READ. YOUR. MIND."
- And later: "[Bella] could DIE. AT. ANY. MOMENT. PEOPLE"
- The Quiet One: Jasper never says anything, though he's just as antagonistic toward Edward as Emmett is.
- Recursive Fanfiction: The fans Socks and Pants wrote an unofficial continuation of the series, copying its distinct style.P: He goes hunting in his leotard
IT BREATHES EMMETT
IT IS ALSO COMPLETELY WASHABLE
S: THE FRESH AIR FEELS NICE ON MY SKIN - Right Through the Wall: Rosalie is loud just to fuck with Edward's ships-in-a-bottle.
- Sensitive Guy and Manly Man: Edward and Emmett, obviously.
- Serious Business: Everything is this with Edward. Scrapbooking. Cleaning. Knitting. Everything.
- Sexy Santa Dress: Emmett tries to get Rosalie to wear one.
- Shotgun Wedding: "YES, IF JACOB KNOCKED RENESSME UP I WOULD MAKE THEM MARRY POSTHASTE. IT WOULD ONLY BE PROPER."
- Sophisticated as Hell: Given Edward tends to speak primarily in archaic patterns, some of the more casual words stand out a little.
- The Straight Man: Jasper is this to Emmett.
- The Talk: Edward discovers much too late that he should have asked Jasper or Carlisle instead of Emmett for advice.IT DID NOT GO WHERE YOU TOLD ME
- Stalker with a Crush: Edward, though that is Canon.
- Team Pet: Emmett refers to Jacob as a dog or pet.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: In one of the roleplays, Edward "rescues" (read: basically kidnaps) a woman who starred in one of Emmett's porn vids (and the horse she was, um, having fun with) and brings them to the Cullen house. Neither the woman nor the horse appear again after that.
- You Need to Get Laid: Edward really needs to get laid. (Unfortunately, judging by the parts set after Breaking Dawn, it didn't help much.)
