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Dammit, Carol!

Robert Hibbs

Actor(s): Robert Hibbs

The founder of the Scary Storytellers Society. The only thing greater than Hibbs' love for scary stories is his crippling loneliness and social ineptitude— he admits that a primary reason for starting the SSS was to spend more time with his friends. He's obsessed with recording everything he can on his Talkboy, ostensibly for "posterity". He seems to spend a lot of time at the local library (something the other boys often mock), making him the most book-smart of the group (not that that's saying much). He lives with his mom, who was supposedly murdered by his brother 15 years ago, along with his dad and other siblings, but no one questions it.

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Robbie Owens

Actor(s): Robbie Owens

Probably the most passably normal of the boys, showing the most signs of a social life (even if they're just parties and orgies). Normal, except for all the masturbating— or "jack attacks" as he calls him. Really, he spends most of his time bashing his trash. It's a wonder his dick skin hasn't hardened into an ostrich leather callous. It seems that he has the ability to regrow his dick in emergency situations (like when he needs to tear it out of a petrified witch vagina ). He experiences the most possession-related issues of the group, and is said to have a "glow" about him, whatever that means.

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Joshua Jenkins

Actor(s): Joshua Jenkins

A complete fraud who's so desperate to fit in with his friends that he'll lie about how long he's known them. Seems to have had the most conservative upbringing of the three—his mom won't even let him drink Surge. Turns out that his family is part of a militant and extremist Christian cult run by a man he believes to be Tim McGraw.

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Uncle Dutch

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Owens' mother's brother. An all-American, blue collar, double-triple-overtime working man who loves drinkin' and fuckin' and Bob Seger, but hates clowns and being pranked.

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Dreddo the Clown

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Dude's a demon clown. Neck still breaks, though.

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Mark Mallowcup

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A calculator salesman fighting the tyranny of Gatorade machines.

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The Ongers

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A creepy family of hicks who lived near Jenkins. They really don't like mailmen.

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Robert Mackey (Robertmackey)

Actor(s): Robert Hibbs

Was once a 26-year-old culinary student with a wife and kids, until he met Fredrico the time vampire. Three days later, he's aged 30 years, his wife's left him and taken the kids, and he now spends all his time drinking coffee and playing Crash Bandicoot just to stay awake. Currently looking for a roommate willing to help him get rid of his unwanted guest. Free room and board.

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Fredrico

Actor(s): Joshua Jenkins

A time vampire from Middle Galaxy Area who drains away his victims' life force by wasting their time with inane, one-sided conversations about every stupid little thing that flits through his head. He's a real friendly guy, though. Absolutely loves gum (especially Juicy Fruit) and Hooters' spicy wings (or "wangs", as he calls them).

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Walter Pith/Perth

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The Tennamens

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The Sumptins

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The Surge Rangers

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Roofus

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Dr. Jeff Blaze

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Gavin

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Zatarains Baby Kane

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Able Abel

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Country Rat/Cunt/Tree/New City Rat and City Rat/Cit/Tee/New Country Rat

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Hibbs' Timeskip Family

Actor(s): Joshua Jenkins (Morticia)

Three years after an unspecified date (but pre-9/11), Hibbs has apparently married a gorgeous Transylvanian woman and fathered two, uh, child sons who are definitely children.

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The Anderson Sisters

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  • Expy

Squatter

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